Question:

I read your article on anger and I was wondering if you have some advice for me about being angry with myself. Yesterday I allowed someone to cross my boundary (i.e., I did not want to do something, but they talked me into doing it anyway and I reluctantly agreed). I’m angry at myself for being so weak. How can I stop doing this and how can I let go of the anger toward myself?

Answer:

Being weak, not enforcing your boundaries and getting pushed into things you don't want to do is a common problem. A lot of people have trouble standing their ground and honoring their own needs.

In order to change this behavior, you must figure out why you do it. You are probably weak for one of these three reasons:

1. You might be afraid of being seen as selfish. You might subconsciously believe that taking care of yourself makes you a bad person. If you think this way, other people can use guilt to manipulate you.
2. You might be afraid of rejection if you don’t give others what they want. You may believe what other people think of you matters. You might believe you need their approval to have value. You might betray yourself to get the validation or approval you need.
3. You might be afraid of confrontation. You might believe it’s safer to betray yourself than risk having a fight.

Which of these fears is driving your wishy-washy behavior?

Once you understand the fear behind your weakness, you can write a new, more accurate rule of conduct for yourself. The following principles of truth will help you to do this.

• Principle 1: What other people think of you is irrelevant. You are the same you no matter what they think. Their opinion doesn't affect your value. You have the same infinite, absolute value whether they like you or not.
• Principle 2: You teach people how to treat you by how you treat yourself. You must honor your own needs if you want other people to honor them.
• Principle 3: If you disrespect yourself and allow people to push you around, they won’t respect you. Weakness is never respected. You may think your sacrifice will win their love and approval, but you can’t have love without respect.
• Principle 4: It is not selfish to take care of your own needs. The Bible said to love your neighbor as yourself, not instead of yourself. This means you are just as valuable as everyone else. When you honor your own needs you demonstrate to the world that all people deserve to be honored and protected. No one is more important than anyone else.
• Principle 5: If you don’t love yourself first, you are not really capable of giving love to others. If you don't value yourself, all your loving behavior will be driven by your need to get validation. That is not love. Real love is infinite in scope, so you experience the same amount of love for yourself as you feel toward the other person.

Using these principles of truth to guide you, I recommend that you redefine your boundaries. Decide how you are going to enforce them and why it is the right thing to do. Write this down on paper. Here are some examples:

• I have the right to say no to watching my neighbor's kids, if it would push me over the edge of sanity and make me grouchy toward my family. This is the loving thing for all concerned. I choose not to hold fear around how my neighbor will feel about this. I know it is the right thing, and that is enough. I will tell her with love that I can’t do it (without having to explain why). In the end, she will respect me for my strength and love.
• It is important that I honor my own feelings. If someone asks me to do something I am not comfortable doing, I will say no in a loving way. They will respect me for being true to myself.

Taking the time to write out, on paper, exactly how you are going to choose to feel and behave really helps. You are basically creating an official policy for yourself. Then, read this policy often and practice enforcing it.

Remember, you can be strong and loving at the same time.

You also asked how you can forgive yourself for being weak in the past. I recommend you look at these situations as perfect lessons, not mistakes. They have nothing to do with your value. They happened, so you could see what you are afraid of and learn to change it. Focus on the beautiful lesson this situation provided, and let the rest go.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem.

Question:

There is a lady I work with who apparently hates me for no reason. She finds fault in everything I do and says rude things about me under her breath. I’ve about had it with her behavior, but I’m not sure how to handle it. If I tell someone about it, I will look like a complainer. I think I need to say something to her but don’t want to make it worse. Any suggestions?

Answer:

I am going to answer your question by giving you a simple procedure you can use every time someone behaves badly. This process will help you to see the situation accurately and respond appropriately. I’m also going to teach you some basic principles of human behavior that will help you understand her thinking.

Principle 1: Fear drives most human behavior and it drives 90 percent of bad behavior.

Principle 2: If someone is behaving badly, it is usually not about you. It is usually about their fears about themselves. They might be taking it out on you, but it’s not really about you.

Principle 3: There are two core fears that drive most bad behavior. They are…

1. A fear of not being good enough (the fear of failure).
2. A fear that my life’s not going to be good enough (the fear of loss).

Principle 4: People often cast you as the bad guy so they can feel better about themselves and feel like the good guy. Just because they create this story, doesn’t make it true.

Principle 5: If most bad behavior is motivated by fear, then most bad behavior is really a request for love or validation. That is what this person needs.

These five principles can help you understand why people behave badly. She might be casting you as the bad guy, because she is afraid she isn’t good enough (a fear of failure behavior), and the more she sees you as a bad person, the better she feels about herself.

Or she might be making you the bad guy because she is afraid of losing her job, and for some reason, she sees you as a threat (a fear of loss behavior).

Here is a simple procedure you can use to help you find an appropriate response:

• What is this person afraid of? Which of the two core fears seem likely? You must figure out what she is afraid of and understand how that fear is driving her behavior, so you will see her accurately.
• What does this person need? What could put her fear to rest, so she would not need to behave badly anymore? Most of the time this person needs love, attention or validation. Just understanding what she is afraid of and what she needs, will change the way you see the situation.
• What is in your control and what is your responsibility in this situation? Take some time to get clear on this. It is not your responsibility to fix this person’s self-esteem. That is out of your control. What is in your control? What is your responsibility?
• Most of the time the only things in your control and your responsibility are your feelings and your actions. What would be the best (and most appropriate) way to feel and act in this situation?
• Write down some options. You could forgive her and let it go since it is her problem. You could have a validating conversation with her. What else?
• Then, cross out the fear-motivated options and choose a love-motivated option that feels right to you.

Choosing loving feelings towards someone who is behaving badly can be difficult, but you can do it.

It helps if you see this person as the same as you, not worse than you. Remember that you are not perfect either. You are also a scared, struggling, divine, amazing student in the classroom of life, just like her. Seeing her as the same as you, will help you feel compassion and love.

You must be very careful not to let her fear trigger your fear. If someone is casting you as the bad guy, it’s very easy to take that personally (because you are also scared you aren’t good enough) and cast them as the bad guy.

Don’t let this happen. Remember your value is infinite and absolute, and what this person thinks of you is irrelevant. You are the same you no matter what.

This is what I would do. Decide to love her through this. Sincerely validate and edify her every chance you get. Be kind, loving and respectful. This will completely throw her off because she is hoping you will behave badly back so she will have more proof of how bad you are.

Don’t do it.

I promise that being loving and respectful, even to someone who doesn’t deserve it, is the right way to go. Sometimes treating people as if they are better than they are currently behaving pushes them in that direction.

If you see them as a kind person, who treats people with respect and you even tell her what a good person she is, she might want to live up to your high opinion of her. You might encourage her to change herself.

It’s worth a try.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem.

Question:

My husband and I have been married about four years now and we have accrued some debt. It seems like whenever I speak with my husband about our spending and paying down our debts, we have a fight. He asserts that I am spending too much, while I assert that he is a loose cannon with money. How do we get to be on the same page so that we stop fighting over this issue?

Answer:

Couples fight most about the same two things — money and sex. Fights about sex are usually based in your fear of not being good enough, loved or accepted. Fights about money are usually based in the fear of loss (the fear of losing money and losing control over whatever money represents for you) or a fear of failure.

In order to change the way you communicate about money, you must get clear about your fears. Why do discussions about money trigger fear in each of you?

Figure the answers to these questions first:

What does money represent to you?

And what does it represent to your spouse?

Here are some possibilities:

• Money may represent security and peace of mind but only if there is money saved and in the bank. Without a good amount in savings you may feel unsafe.
• Money to spend may represent freedom. Only when you have money to spend do you feel free. Without it you feel oppressed and unsafe.
• Money could be the scorecard that proves your value as a person (it shouldn’t be, but it often is). Does having money in the bank validate your worth? Or does owning lots of nice things make you feel validated?
• Having too much money could make you feel uncomfortable, greedy or even evil, if you grew up hearing negative things about rich people. You could subconsciously avoid becoming rich.
• You may feel incompetent or inadequate when in comes to managing money, and the whole topic represents failure.
Understanding what money represents to you and your spouse should give you some clarity about why these conversations make you upset.
Then, figure out what you’re afraid of when it comes to money.
Money most likely triggers the fear of failure or the fear of loss. Understanding your spouse’s fear will help you to see their behavior accurately and create win/win compromises that make both of you feel safer.

Are you afraid of not having what you need in the future? Are you afraid of not having the freedom to buy what you want with your own money? Are you afraid of disasters and not being prepared? Are you afraid of being controlled or losing control?

Remember, when you were single you had total control over all financial decisions. Now that you’re married, you have lost some of that control. This could be a large part of the problem because this loss of control could lead to disastrous failure. Together as a team you must create some rules that will lessen your fears.

Make a few rules that calm your own fears, and a few rules that make your spouse feel better. Here are some ideas that might help:

Never fight about money in the moment when your fear is first triggered. Make it your policy to always step back, go through the questions above and get clarity before talking about money with your spouse.

Listen to and validate each other’s feelings. Having mutually validating conversations is the key to a good marriage. Honor and respect your spouse’s right to see the situation the way they see it. Respectfully ask permission to share your feelings and then do so in a kind, loving way. Use “I” statements more than “you” statements and focus more on future behavior than past behavior. Create compromises that put both your fears to rest.

Set rules and limits you are both comfortable with. Create a budget and honor it. Make rules about how much you will spend per week on small things. Agree that on purchases (over a certain amount) you will talk to each other first. Rules like these make everyone feel safer.

Keep the rules — this is the most important way you can honor your commitment to your spouse. You cannot have love without trust.

Be honest. Never lie to your spouse. It’s better to tell them what they won’t want to hear than to lie and destroy the trust in your relationship.

Make a plan to get out of debt and start saving. This creates peace of mind and lessens fear in everyone.

Remember, fear is the real problem here. Figuring out what money represents to each of you, and what you are afraid of, will bring clarity about what rules need to happen in your home.

You should also choose a mindset of wisdom and trust. Make wise decisions and then trust that everything will be okay. Trust and optimism make life a lot more enjoyable.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a life coach and speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem.

Question:

My wife says I have anger issues and I admit I lose my temper more than I’d like. She says I need to work on this, but I’m not sure where to start. Is there anything I can do in the moment to calm down and stop losing my temper?

Answer:

The first thing you must understand is that your anger problem is really a fear problem.

Anger happens when something (or someone) triggers your core fears. The following principles explain your two core fears and how they affect you.

Principle 1: There are only two states from which you can respond to any situation. You can respond from love (and focus on honoring, edifying and validating the other person) or you can respond from fear (and focus on what you need). Every other response or emotion fits into these two categories.

Principle 2: There are two core fears which drive most human behavior. They are the fear of failure (that you won’t be good enough) and the fear of loss (that your life won’t be good enough). The fear of failure is a fear of not being loved, valued, appreciated or wanted. The fear of loss is a fear that you won’t have what you need, want or deserve.

Principle 3: When you experience fear you automatically cast the other person as the bad guy and yourself as the good guy. In order to do this, you will conveniently leave out the good in the other person and the bad in you.

When you experience anger it is usually because you feel ripped off, short changed, unloved, dishonored or mistreated in some way. Take a minute and think about the last time you were angry.

Was it a fear of loss issue or a fear of not being loved, wanted, honored or appreciated issue?

Anger management starts with figuring out what you are afraid of and learning to manage your fear by choosing trust and love (the opposites of fear).

It is also going to mean choosing to see the other person accurately, someone like you, (a work in progress doing the best they can with what they know) and ditching the need to cast them as the bad guy.

Here is a procedure (set of steps) for gaining clarity, seeing the situation accurately and calming yourself:

1) Step back and ask yourself — What am I afraid of here? What am I seeing as a threat to me? Why am I afraid of this? Which core fear is this about?

(Remember that no person or situation can diminish you. Your value is infinite and absolute and whatever happens, this situation is in your life to teach you something.)

2) Figure out why part of you wants to be angry? What is being angry about this giving you? What is it costing you?

3) What is this situation showing you about yourself? How is it giving you a chance to be more loving, wise and mature? What is it here to teach you?

(This situation is in your life to serve your process of growing and learning. When you figure out the lesson, you may see the situation differently and calm down.)

4) Step back and make sure you are seeing the other person (if there is another person involved) accurately. What are they afraid of? Which core fear is driving their behavior?

(All bad behavior is about THEIR fear about themselves. It is not really about you. This means all bad behavior is a request for love and validation.)

5) Choose to see this person as you see yourself. Try to see them the way God would see them. You have the same value and you are both scared, struggling, divine, amazing beings in the classroom of life. Neither is perfect nor all bad. You are the same.

6) Let go of your fear by choosing to trust God and life. Trust that your value isn’t on the line and that your life is the perfect classroom journey for you.

7) Let go of fear by choosing love. How could you choose to be loving towards this person you are angry with?

(This doesn’t mean you trust them or let them hurt you again. It may just mean sending love and forgiveness their way, from afar. Or it could mean giving them the validation they need to quiet their fear.)

8) The only moment in which you have any power is this one. This is the place where you get to decide who you want to be and how you want to live. There are only two choices — love or fear.

How can you claim that power and choose to experience this moment in love? What response would be the most productive and loving one in this moment?

Keep this procedure on hand and run through it when you get angry. After you have done it a few times, you will have it in your head.

If anger continues to be a problem, I highly recommend you get some professional help to change your thinking and eliminate your fears.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem.

Question:

We have a son who wants nothing to do with our religion. This causes us a lot of pain. We can’t support the decision he is making to walk away when we know it is wrong. Besides praying for him, what is the best way to address this?

Answer:

I will give you my opinion, since I am in this situation myself and this approach has worked for us in that we have a beautiful, close, loving relationship with our kids.

Unconditional love is always the answer.

Unconditional love means you edify, honor, cherish and respect him, right where he is right now. It means you see him as the same as you (not as someone who is bad or wrong in any way) and allow him to find his way in life.

Here are some principles which helped us to understand our options.

Principle 1: There are only two states from which you can to respond to any situation. You can respond from love(focused on honoring, edifying and validating the other person) or you can respond from fear (focused on what you need). Every possible response fits into these two categories.

Principle 2: There are two core fears which drive most human behavior. They are the fear of failure and the fear of loss. When you let these two fears drive, your behavior is selfish, not loving.

Principle 3: Fear-based behavior triggers defensiveness, selfishness and resentment in the other person. They can feel that you are focused on your own needs, and this triggers them to get defensive. In this place they will defend their current behavior and resist changing even more.

Let me explain how these principles apply to your situation by giving you some do;s and don’ts.

Don’t blame yourself. Having your adult children reject your religion triggers both your core fears. You are afraid of failure as a parent (if your child leaves the church) and you are afraid of loss (spiritually losing your child). If you continue to focus on these fears, you will make this situation about you and your child will resent you for this.

You can get away from these fears when you choose to trust that your value as a person, and a parent, is not on the line. Life is a classroom, not a test, so you cannot fail. You can trust that even though you weren’t a perfect parent, you were the perfect parent for your child. If you messed him up, you messed him up in the exact way he was meant to be messed up.

Trust the process of life. I believe that your life (and your child’s life) are playing out exactly the way they are supposed to — so you can both learn the specific lessons you are meant to learn here. You can trust this process is a safe one and put your child in God’s hands. You can trust that everything will be OK. You can do this because the only other option is fear and suffering.

Don’t say anything negative about his choices. Don’t criticize his ideas. Don't say, "I told you so," when things go wrong. Don’t say, "Things would go better if you were doing what’s right." Don’t say he should consider making different choices. Statements like these disrepsect him and his process of growth. If you talk down to an adult child you will damage your relationship. Just be quiet and love him through it.

Let life do the teaching. Life is a better teacher than you, and when you say too much, you make it about you again. If you have to say anthing, come from a place of compassion, humility and love. Treat your child as an equal and speak to him with respect.

Don’t manipulate, lecture, blackmail or use guilt,. Don’t say anything that implies you are anything less than totally proud of your kid. Don’t deny love or approval. Don’t grant financial help only if they get active in church. Don’t spend time together talking about what you think they need to hear. This isn't about you.

You don’t have to agree with his choices, but you do have to respect and honor his right to choose his path. You should not act hurt or wounded by his choices. You should not expect him to change so you can feel better. These are selfish, fear-based reactions.

Edify, encourage, listen and validate your child. Spend every minute you have with your child building him up. Ask lots of questions and listen way more than you talk. (Listening is the key to good parenting at any age.) Ask about his thoughts and feelings. Validate, honor and respect his right to see the world the way he sees it. Make sure he feels loved, admired, respected and cherished. Look for the highest and best qualities in him, and tell him what you see every chance you get.

It is only when someone feels totally unconditionally loved for who they are right now that they will ever be open to changing. (Read that again.)

So love your children unconditionally, fully and passionately, and keep seeing the best in them no matter what religion they choose.

(By the way, this is how God parents — and I think he knows what he's doing.)

"Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for, to be what they choose for themselves, without any insistence that they satisfy you." -Wayne Dyer 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem.