Why people behave badly

Question:

There is a lady I work with who apparently hates me for no reason. She finds fault in everything I do and says rude things about me under her breath. I’ve about had it with her behavior, but I’m not sure how to handle it. If I tell someone about it, I will look like a complainer. I think I need to say something to her but don’t want to make it worse. Any suggestions?

Answer:

I am going to answer your question by giving you a simple procedure you can use every time someone behaves badly. This process will help you to see the situation accurately and respond appropriately. I’m also going to teach you some basic principles of human behavior that will help you understand her thinking.

Principle 1: Fear drives most human behavior and it drives 90 percent of bad behavior.

Principle 2: If someone is behaving badly, it is usually not about you. It is usually about their fears about themselves. They might be taking it out on you, but it’s not really about you.

Principle 3: There are two core fears that drive most bad behavior. They are…

1. A fear of not being good enough (the fear of failure).
2. A fear that my life’s not going to be good enough (the fear of loss).

Principle 4: People often cast you as the bad guy so they can feel better about themselves and feel like the good guy. Just because they create this story, doesn’t make it true.

Principle 5: If most bad behavior is motivated by fear, then most bad behavior is really a request for love or validation. That is what this person needs.

These five principles can help you understand why people behave badly. She might be casting you as the bad guy, because she is afraid she isn’t good enough (a fear of failure behavior), and the more she sees you as a bad person, the better she feels about herself.

Or she might be making you the bad guy because she is afraid of losing her job, and for some reason, she sees you as a threat (a fear of loss behavior).

Here is a simple procedure you can use to help you find an appropriate response:

• What is this person afraid of? Which of the two core fears seem likely? You must figure out what she is afraid of and understand how that fear is driving her behavior, so you will see her accurately.
• What does this person need? What could put her fear to rest, so she would not need to behave badly anymore? Most of the time this person needs love, attention or validation. Just understanding what she is afraid of and what she needs, will change the way you see the situation.
• What is in your control and what is your responsibility in this situation? Take some time to get clear on this. It is not your responsibility to fix this person’s self-esteem. That is out of your control. What is in your control? What is your responsibility?
• Most of the time the only things in your control and your responsibility are your feelings and your actions. What would be the best (and most appropriate) way to feel and act in this situation?
• Write down some options. You could forgive her and let it go since it is her problem. You could have a validating conversation with her. What else?
• Then, cross out the fear-motivated options and choose a love-motivated option that feels right to you.

Choosing loving feelings towards someone who is behaving badly can be difficult, but you can do it.

It helps if you see this person as the same as you, not worse than you. Remember that you are not perfect either. You are also a scared, struggling, divine, amazing student in the classroom of life, just like her. Seeing her as the same as you, will help you feel compassion and love.

You must be very careful not to let her fear trigger your fear. If someone is casting you as the bad guy, it’s very easy to take that personally (because you are also scared you aren’t good enough) and cast them as the bad guy.

Don’t let this happen. Remember your value is infinite and absolute, and what this person thinks of you is irrelevant. You are the same you no matter what.

This is what I would do. Decide to love her through this. Sincerely validate and edify her every chance you get. Be kind, loving and respectful. This will completely throw her off because she is hoping you will behave badly back so she will have more proof of how bad you are.

Don’t do it.

I promise that being loving and respectful, even to someone who doesn’t deserve it, is the right way to go. Sometimes treating people as if they are better than they are currently behaving pushes them in that direction.

If you see them as a kind person, who treats people with respect and you even tell her what a good person she is, she might want to live up to your high opinion of her. You might encourage her to change herself.

It’s worth a try.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem.