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There is a lady I work with who apparently hates me for no reason. She finds fault in everything I do and says rude things about me under her breath. I’ve about had it with her behavior, but I’m not sure how to handle it. If I tell someone about it, I will look like a complainer. I think I need to say something to her but don’t want to make it worse. Any suggestions?
I am going to answer your question by giving you a simple procedure you can use every time someone behaves badly. This process will help you to see the situation accurately and respond appropriately. I’m also going to teach you some basic principles of human behavior that will help you understand her thinking.
Principle 1: Fear drives most human behavior and it drives 90 percent of bad behavior.
Principle 2: If someone is behaving badly, it is usually not about you. It is usually about their fears about themselves. They might be taking it out on you, but it’s not really about you.
Principle 3: There are two core fears that drive most bad behavior. They are…
Principle 5: If most bad behavior is motivated by fear, then most bad behavior is really a request for love or validation. That is what this person needs.
These five principles can help you understand why people behave badly. She might be casting you as the bad guy, because she is afraid she isn’t good enough (a fear of failure behavior), and the more she sees you as a bad person, the better she feels about herself.
Or she might be making you the bad guy because she is afraid of losing her job, and for some reason, she sees you as a threat (a fear of loss behavior).
Here is a simple procedure you can use to help you find an appropriate response:
It helps if you see this person as the same as you, not worse than you. Remember that you are not perfect either. You are also a scared, struggling, divine, amazing student in the classroom of life, just like her. Seeing her as the same as you, will help you feel compassion and love.
You must be very careful not to let her fear trigger your fear. If someone is casting you as the bad guy, it’s very easy to take that personally (because you are also scared you aren’t good enough) and cast them as the bad guy.
Don’t let this happen. Remember your value is infinite and absolute, and what this person thinks of you is irrelevant. You are the same you no matter what.
This is what I would do. Decide to love her through this. Sincerely validate and edify her every chance you get. Be kind, loving and respectful. This will completely throw her off because she is hoping you will behave badly back so she will have more proof of how bad you are.
Don’t do it.
I promise that being loving and respectful, even to someone who doesn’t deserve it, is the right way to go. Sometimes treating people as if they are better than they are currently behaving pushes them in that direction.
If you see them as a kind person, who treats people with respect and you even tell her what a good person she is, she might want to live up to your high opinion of her. You might encourage her to change herself.
It’s worth a try.
You can do this.
Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem.
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These articles were originally published on KSL.COM
Kimberly Giles is the president and founder of Claritypoint Life Coaching and 12 SHAPES INC. She is an author and professional speaker. She was named one of the top 20 advice gurus in the country by Good Morning America in 2010. She appears regularly on local and national TV and Radio.