This was first published on KSL.com

Question:

I am going through a divorce and it’s really depressing to be here over Christmas. I haven’t even had it in me to put up the tree. It’s the worst time of year to feel alone. Do you have any advice for how to make this a Merry Holiday when I’m lonely?

Answer:

That is a hard situation to be in, but you must decide now if you are going to give into the sadness story or reject that thinking and choose to focus on the positive. You may have to make this choice every five minutes, as the sadness might creep back in, but you can do it and it gets easier with practice. Here are fourteen ways you can make your holiday season easier to get through.

1. Focus on what you do have — not what you don’t have.

How you feel is directly tied to how you're thinking about your situation. Focus on gratitude for everything you have every day. Take some time and write them in a journal each day if necessary.

2. Focus on self-care. 

All that time and energy you would be spending on someone else, you can now spend on loving and caring for yourself. Take advantage of this and treat yourself extra good. Take bubble baths, get massages, buy great lotions and some fresh clothes (use the money you would have spent on presents for a significant other).

3. Don’t create a story around loss or victimhood.

And don’t dwell on the fact that you don’t have anyone to kiss under the mistletoe. That depressing storyline is an attitude option, but it’s not your only choice. You could choose to feel whole, happy and fulfilled. You really can. The one thing you always have power over is your thoughts. Think happy, whole, fulfilled thoughts about how great your life is. If negative story comes in, thank it for showing up with an opinion, but no, thank you.

4. Plan activities with family and friends.

Don’t sit home. Plan things you want to do and invite people to join you. Schedule in all your down time with activities you enjoy.

5. Do service.

When you focus on others, you forget about your problems. There are lots of wonderful places to volunteer and donate time around the holidays or you might pick a cause to work or gather donations or gifts for them.

6. Make sure you get lots of exercise, eat well and sleep.

These three things help all of us have more balanced mental and emotional health. If you feel down, go for a walk, get outside and move, or make yourself a healthy meal. These are important areas of self-care that make a huge difference in how you feel about yourself and life.

7. Get a great book to read over the holidays.

Getting lost in a wonderful adventure or interesting storyline, keeps you from dwelling on your own life too much.

8. If family gatherings help you, then go. 

But if they make you feel worse, don’t go. Don’t attend anything from obligation.

Instead, go out with upbeat friends or plan a party and invite everyone (who has nowhere to go or feels awkward) to join you. Some people call these “A Misfit Toys party”, but we would rather think of them as “Celebrate your perfect classroom even if it’s nonconventional parties”.

9. Create brand new traditions.

If the old ones don’t work right now, don’t create a sad story around that. Decide to create new interesting traditions and decide they will be just as good, just different.

10. Limit the alcohol.

Even though it can numb sad feelings, in the end it will leave you feeling more depressed. Eating healthy and working out would serve you more. Plan fun activities and get high on life, being with friends or having adventures.

11. When the inevitable questions begin about what you’re doing and are you dating, have a response ready that is positive and happy.

You might say you have decided to focus on loving yourself right now and it’s been really good for you. Or have a joke planned and then quickly start asking questions about them and keep them talking as long as possible. If you keep the focus off your life completely by asking questions about everyone else, the parties will be easier.

12. Buy yourself some awesome presents that are just what you wanted.

Get out of town. Sometimes the best way to handle the holidays is to plan a trip and skip the whole thing all together. Go on a fun adventure, a cruise or trip and focus on pampering yourself while you’re there.

13. If tears come, let yourself have a limited amount of time to cry it out.

Cry really good and loud and let all the pain out. You will be amazed at how much better you feel.

14. Watch funny movies, comedians or YouTube videos.

Laugh as much as possible! This really helps you stay upbeat, especially after that good cry.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles and Nicole Cunningham are relationship and human behavior experts, authors and speakers. They host Relationship Radio every Thursday on VoiceAmerica.com Empowerment Channel.

This was first published on KSL.COM

Question:

I was recently blindsided finding out that my spouse has cheated on me, something I never saw coming. This is the last straw though, in a long line of other problems with him and so I have decided on divorce, which I know is the right path for me. But I’m seriously heartbroken, angry and really devastated that he was unfaithful while I loved him so much. The pain of this betrayal is intense and I would love some advice for moving on and recovering from this kind of heartbreak.

Answer:

The pain from betrayal is one of the roughest life experiences there is, and recovery is going to be a process and take some time. The most important thing is to be patient and kind to yourself and allow whatever emotions come up to be there. You will experience shock, anger, self-pity, shame, despair, sadness, and devastation, and these emotions will ebb and flow, coming in and out for a while.

There is no normal in trauma recovery, and the processing is different for everyone. Just don’t add any additional guilt or shame to it, by thinking you should be doing better at any point in time.

Here are some things you can do that will help you move forward:

1. Get the information and answers you need, because you do need to know what happened, how and when. Then, after you have these answers, cut off all contact, of any kind, with the other person.

Continuing contact, even through text or following them on social media, will add to the pain and can lengthen the recovery process. It is better to cut off all contact (as much as possible) and start getting used to not having them in your life. What they do now is none of your business and what you do isn’t theirs. Every time you open that door you are taking a step backward in moving on.

2. Don’t seek revenge.

It might seem like a good idea at first, but in the long run, you will be happier if you take the high road and be a person you are proud of.

3. Understand what is normal in dealing with betrayal and loss.

Searing emotional pain, exhaustion, sleeping too much, not being able to sleep, loss of appetite, comfort eating, anxiety attacks, brain fog, and even dizziness are all normal. Don’t worry this will pass (it might pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass.) You will survive this and the pain won’t last.

4. Make your home or space fresh, new, more organized, or different or consider moving.

You need to reclaim your space as your own and remove anything that reminds you of your ex. You might repaint, rearrange furniture, clean out closets, sell your old stuff and buy new used stuff, anything to create a fresh, new feel and to move towards your new life.

5. Focus on self-care.

Put all the energy you used to put into loving them, into loving you. During this time, you need to give yourself permission to pamper yourself. Do things that fill you up and make you feel good and cared for. Plan time with friends, take bubble baths, get massages, take a vacation, exercise, eat healthy food, anything that is caring and compassionate towards yourself.

6. Make time for emotion processing journaling.

This can be the best therapy and it’s free. Spend time writing all your feelings and thoughts. There is a free worksheet of journaling topics at this link.

7. Make time to relax.

Your stress level is high at this time and meditation, yoga, listening to music, deep breathing, feeling the sun on your face, or enjoying nature will help.

8. If you must go back to work right away, create an imaginary room in your head.

All day when the sad, angry, grieving feelings show up, put them in the room and lock the door. Don’t deal with them now. Then each night, give yourself a specific amount of time to go into that room and feel them all. This might be a good time to journal too.

9. Start a long bucket list.

We recommend one that has at least 150 things on it. List out everywhere you would like to travel, everything you want to learn, every adventure, activity and person you would like to meet.

10. Take a break from your normal routine.

If you were ill or had a death in the family you would take some time off, but with emotional trauma, we don’t allow ourselves to have that. You are going through trauma and you may really need some time out of the rat race to recover.

Cut back to the bare essentials and don’t expect yourself to perform at normal standards. Your thinking will also be slower and you may have less bandwidth to deal with your life. That is normal and won’t last forever. Be patient with it.

11. When you are ready, create a new social life and get out there, have fun, go on adventures and create a life that is joyful and fun.

Find some new friends, look for meetup groups around things you are interested in, find fun things going on in your community and get out there.

12. Don’t jump back into dating too soon.

You are recovering from a major loss and will have some trust issues for a while. Give yourself time to get your balance, confidence and strength back before you’re ready to take on new relationships.

13. Find a support system of people who can help you process loss in a healthy way.

Beware of friends whose comments pull you further into despair or self-pity. Look for friends who validate you, but also help you to feel optimistic about the future.

14. Don’t use substances or food to deal with the pain.

Pain like this has to be processed and felt. If you numb out now, you are only delaying it. At some point, you will have to go through. It’s better to feel it now and move forward sooner.

15. Consider talking to a coach or counselor.

If the pain or despair gets too much reach out to a mental health professional or a coach who can give you skills and tools to process your way through.

There is no easy way through this, unfortunately, but doing these things will help. Know in the end nothing that happens can change your value. You have the same value as everyone else, no matter what.

Don’t worry about what anyone thinks about you either — this experience doesn’t define you or mean you are broken or not enough. It’s just a lesson and can end up serving you in some way if you choose to look for the positive.

Hang in there — you can do this. 

Kimberly Giles and Nicole Cunningham are master life coaches with 30 combined years experience in helping individuals and families create healthy relationships and learn the skills and tools to get through life.

Question:

I got divorced years ago and since then I have been working on my self-confidence and self-worth, and I have become a happier, busier woman. My parents keep asking me if I am ready to find another man. They don’t seem to like my answer that I’m happy being single. I’m sick and tired of the online dating and the way it’s done now. The bottom line is I’m done with dating and I don’t know how to tell my parents that and get them to support me. How would you recommend I tell them (again)?

Answer:

Before I recommend a way to get your parents support for your choices, I want you to understand how social norms or unwritten cultural rules can drive our thoughts, feelings and behavior, and how we all allow these socially accepted beliefs to create cognitive dissonance and suffering in our lives.

From the moment you were born, you have been gathering data about yourself, others, and the world around you. Everything you saw, heard or experienced helped you create conclusions about the rules in your family and community. You learned which behaviors earned you love, attention or approval. You learned what to do to avoid suffering or rejection. Your whole life you have been creating subconscious policies and procedures about living in your world.

The problem is many of these ideas, policies or rules are just ideas and many of them are not serving you either. Many of these beliefs are not even based in fact or reality: they are simply thoughts that have gained more power than they should. But they have been with you for a long time, and you have followed them simply because you didn’t know there was another option.

The following are some examples of these unwritten rules you might have adopted:

• Thin people are better than larger people.
• If you have money you must be materialistic and shallow.
• If you are single, that is lonely and sad, and you can’t be complete unless you’re partnered with someone else.
• Being a taller person is better than being shorter.
• You should always be afraid of what others think of you, because their opinions affect your value as a person.
• It’s safer not to talk too much.
• You shouldn’t let people walk on you even if it means being mean.
• Older women shouldn’t date younger men, but older men can date younger women.
• Money is the scorecard, and the one with the most toys wins.

You get the idea, and these beliefs might be creating fear, guilt, shame or suffering in your life. It is time for all of us to start questioning these subconscious rules and write a new set of policies and procedures based on truth that would serve you more.

Here are 5 ways to challenges your unwritten policies and start consciously choosing new beliefs:

1. Remember you are the only one entitled to know the path through life that’s right for you.

Never let anyone tell you how you should live, what you should want or what you should do next. They are not in the same classroom as you, so their truth isn’t going to be your truth. Give yourself permission to explore many mindset options and choose the way that feels right to you.

2. Be unique.

Own that no one else on the planet will ever get the same journey as you. No one will ever have your genetics, your body, your family, your upbringing and your experiences. We believe this means your perspective and your truth are unique to you, and no one else can see the world the way you see it. This is why you must choose your own way and not let others make your choices.

3. Trust yourself.

Trust you have an inner guidance system (an inner GPS) that will always guide you toward your perfect classroom. It will nudge you and pull you toward the experiences you need to grow and learn in the ways you need. If you ask others for advice, do so because you want to research the options, not because you trust their judgment more than your own.

Once you clarify your options, write each one on an index card and place them in front of you on the table. Then one by one take an option off the table and throw it away, listening to your gut about which you should ditch. Do this until there is only one option left. This kind of exercise helps you practice listening to your own inner guidance system.

4. Let everyone else be unique and trust themselves too.

We all have a tendency to think everyone should see the world the way we see it. “What’s wrong with them that they can’t see what I see? It’s obvious.” They can’t see the world the way you do, because their unique journey has fashioned a unique perspective that you can’t possibly see.

You must give everyone permission to be on their perfect classroom journey. The more you do this, you will also be empowered to claim your journey. Refrain from any judgment about their choices; honor and respect their right to be where they are, and feel what they do.

Remember though, that though we are all very different, we have the exact same intrinsic worth and that cannot change.

5. The amazing and unique souls around you, who choose a vastly different path than yours, are often in your life to teach you tolerance and stretch your ability to love.

It’s easy to love people who agree with you and live like you and by your rules, but it’s much more challenging to love someone who is different. When you choose to see these people as different, but equal in value, and allow them to even teach you something, there will be an amazing richness in your life. They will give you fresh viewpoints and broader understanding of the human experience. Embrace them as they are and let their different choices teach you something.

Once you claim the right to live by the dictates of your own conscience, values, beliefs and preferences, and allow the people around you to do the same, you can then ask the people in your life to honor you, too.

We recommend you sit down with your parents and ask them some questions about why they feel so strongly about you dating and finding someone to love. Really listen to them and honor their right to think and feel the way they do. Spend some time here, and let them know you can understand why they might feel that way. Then ask if they would be willing to let you share what you feel about it, and if they would be willing to honor and respect your right to choose the right path for you. We think you will be surprised how supportive they will be if you share your feelings and ask them to support you moving forward.

We agree that for many people living as a single person can still be a rich, beautiful, happy and fulfilled life. Happiness does not require marriage or a life partner, though many people find great happiness that way. We think you should focus on building the life you want to live — you only get one shot at this life so be true to yourself and live big.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles and Nicole Cunningham are master coaches and the creators behind Claritypointcoaching.com and www.12shapes.com They host Relationship Radio every Thursday on Voice American and on iTunes.

This was first published on KSL.com

Question:

I am, admittedly, a drama queen at times. I hear this from my family and I have had friends comment on it too. I frankly think they are every bit as much the problem as I am. How can I get them to see they are projecting onto me and are also drama queens? How can we all not let things make us over-react?

Answer:

The only person you have any control over is you. So, it makes sense for each of us to focus on being the best version of ourselves we can be. That is actually a big job and could keep us quite busy.

The opposite of over-reaction and drama queen behavior would be the ability to see the world accurately, handle emotions maturely, and thoughtfully respond from a place of trust and love, instead of reacting to situations from fear. We realize that’s a tall order and isn't easy, but we believe working to upskill and reach for that should be the goal.

We all need to work on gaining the self-control to pause before reacting so we'd like to share 7 simple questions you could ask yourself, that would help you to think and respond with more emotional maturity. Though, we realize the hard part is stopping your reaction long enough to remember to ask them. You might want to make them your wallpaper on your phone for a while.

Here are the 7 questions to ask yourself before reacting:

1. How big a deal with this be 10 years from now? If you can tell that 10 years from now, this will be insignificant, then consider letting it go now. If you feel like it still needs to be addressed, ask for some time and space to get clarity around the right (loving and respectful) way to approach it. If you don’t know how, you might want to find a coach or counsellor who could teach you some communication skills around having mutually validating conversations.
   
   
2. Am I taking this more personally than I have to? Most of us only behave badly when we feel threatened. We are either afraid of looking bad or being insulted (failure) or we being mistreated in some way (a loss). These two fears drive most of our bad, reactive behavior. Most of the time, other people's bad behavior isn’t about us at all. They are behaving this way because they feel threatened and unsafe in some way. It is all about their fears about themselves and what’s happening in their life or in their own head. It’s usually not about you (even when they attack you). If you can step back and see the situation accurately, and understand it’s not about you, you are much less likely to respond badly. Remember, your value is the same, no matter what anyone else does, thinks or says. You cannot be diminished and whatever happens in your life, happens to serve your education in some way. So, you really have nothing to fear. When you take the time to pause and remember this, your responses are much more mature.
   
   
3. Is my own fear of not being good enough making this worse? We are all afraid we aren’t good enough at some level, and this fear can get subconsciously projected into every experience we have. You could see everything that happens, as happening because you aren’t good enough. But just because this can be applied to every situation, doesn’t mean it should be or is accurate. You must pause before responding to anything and remind yourself that you have the exact same value as everyone else and nothing can change that. Your value is infinite and absolute. You cannot be wounded, insulted or hurt, without your participation. So, choose to see yourself as bulletproof and let offenses bounce off. You will be surprised how much energy and charge this one simple idea can remove from a situation.
   
   
4. Am I claiming my power to experience each situation the way I choose to? You may not get to choose which situations show up in your life, but you absolutely get to choose how you will feel about them. You can choose to be hurt and offended if you want to. You can create all kinds of unnecessary drama around offenses if you want to. You can use this to cast the other person as the bad guy and feel superior to them, or you could use this to play the victim and get sympathy love - if you want to, but you also have other options. You could choose to claim the power to choose your inner state. You could decide not to allow circumstances or other people to dictate your emotions or behavior. You have the power to feel bulletproof or feel joy, love, or peace in any situation if you want to. Don’t give anyone the power to make you feel anything that doesn’t serve you. They cannot make you upset. You choose to be – or choose not to be. This claiming of your power will calm you down and make you feel more secure too.
   
   
5. Am I seeing the other person or people involved as the same as me? Our fear of not being good enough makes us subconsciously see other people as either better than us or worse than us. This tendency creates unnecessary drama, self-pity and conflict in all our relationships. But you also have the power, in any moment, to choose to see all human beings as the same as you (in value). When you choose to see other people as the same as you, and remember you are imperfect too, you are more likely to respond with love, compassion and wisdom.
   
   
6. What does this person really want and need? What is the underlying cause of their behavior? Most people behave badly because they are scared, and are desperately in need love, attention or validation. Bad behavior is not a good way to request love, attention, and validation, but often these people do not know a better way. When other people are behaving badly if you can recognize what they need and give them love, attention or validation, they quickly become easier to work with. It isn't easy, but you can do it.
   
   
7. Does another person’s bad behavior need to be addressed? As often as possible ignore it, let go and forgive others their bad behavior, especially if you can see it isn’t about you and is their own fear problem. But, there are some circumstances that need to be addressed. When there is a serious problem or behavior that must change, you must learn how to address it in strong, loving and validating way. You must first set aside your need to be right, superior or angry. Then, you must focus on your love for them and your desire to have a good relationship. Then, ask questions about how they feel and think, and listen, honor and respect their right to feel the way they do. Do not agree, disagree or criticize them. After you have listened to them for a while and they feel heard, ask permission to share your feelings. If they are willing to listen, make sure you use more “I” statements than “you” statements and focus totally on their future behavior, not on their past behavior (which they cannot change). Ask them if, in the future, they would be willing to behave differently. This approach works like a charm most of the time.

The holiday season is wrought with stress, family gatherings and opportunities to practice your communication and relationship skills. Go into each event this year with a commitment to practice being your most mindful, aware and mature self. If you go into each event with this intention, it’s a lot more likely to happen.

If you still have a hard time seeing situations accurately and responding in a mature, logical and loving way, you may want to find a counselor or coach to help you. A little professional help can make a big difference.

You can do this.

Kimberly Giles and Nicole Cunningham are popular life coaches, speakers and people skills experts. You can download a worksheet on having mutually validating conversations at http://www.upskillrelationships.com/worksheets