This article was first published on KSL.COM
Question:

I have some friends who complain constantly about their problems but get offended if I give them any advice on fixing what’s wrong. Do they just want to stay where they are? Should I just listen? Is that a good friend? Or is there anything else I can do to get them to listen to me and make changes? Maybe I’m giving advice the wrong way?

Answer:

We all know people we would like to advice, change, or help, but we must handle these situations the right way or people will get offnded, turn a deaf ear or even passive aggressively dig further into their bad behavior.

To give advice the right way you must understand a few basic principles of human behavior. These principles will help you to understand why people react negatively to advice and how you can create a safe space for advice that won’t offend.

This is great information for parents, managers and leaders.

Principle 1: Remember everyone on the planet is battling a deep core fear of failure (a fear that they aren’t good enough), and this fear causes a great deal of pain. 

We also have subconscious programs which encourage us to avoid anything that might trigger this fear. We are never excited about conversations around our need to change because they obviously mean we aren’t good enough now. The more subconscious fear of failure a person has, the less open they are to advice. This is unfortunate because they are the ones who need the advice most, but this is still how it works.

When people have good self-esteem they can handle feedback without pain or fear, but most people don’t have good self-esteem.

Principle 2: People will not be open to advice or changing themselves until they first feel fully accepted as they are right now. 

If they don’t feel accepted now, they will insist on staying where they are until you do. Don’t be discouraged by this. You can fully accept someone as they are right now (even with behaviors you don’t like) and create a safe space where they will be more open to changing. You just have to focus on their intrinsic worth and remember it matters more than their current behavior. Never lose sight of the truth, that they are a one of a kind, irreplaceable being with the same value as you. Loving them unconditionally must come first. Once they feel your love they will be more open to your influence.

Principle 3: Listening to them and validating them — honoring and respecting their right to be who they are — is what most people need most. 

Listening to someone validates their intrinsic worth. Listening without giving advice is a great gift and remember being an active listener is more than just nodding and repeating what they say. A good listener is also a good question-asker. You can often help someone figure out what they need to change on their own by just asking questions that help them look at the problem from different perspectives. The most powerful way to help another person is to empower them to help themselves.

Principle 4: The person to whom this challenge belongs — the one who is in the class — is the only one entitled to inspiration about his or her situation. 

You may have been in a similar situation but that doesn’t mean your right answer is the right answer for them. They are the only one who will know which path is their perfect journey, so don’t forget this and presume to know better.

As a life coach, I have learned most people already know the answers to their problems, they just don’t trust themselves. They are hoping we will tell them what they already know to quiet their fears of being wrong. Don't let them use you as a crutch. It doesn't serve them. Keep asking questions about what they think and feel until they own their inner truth. This technique also leaves room for their inner guidance to direct them. All the answers they need God and the universe will provide. If they aren’t getting the answer yet, they may not be ready for it, or they may still have lessons to learn in this place.

When they are ready and if you are the right teacher for this lesson, you may feel prompted to share and give advice, but make sure you use the fifth principle first.

Principle 5: Always ask permission before you share your story, give advice, make suggestions or tell someone what you think. 

This makes a person feel honored and respected, and it means they really are open to hear you. Never tell another person anything unless you have asked permission to go there first.

A permission question may sound like:

• “Would you be open to another perspective on this?”
• "Would you be open to an observation?"
• “Would you be open to a little advice or would you just like me to be here and listen?”
• “Would you be willing to let me share a couple ideas?”

Then wait for a yes.

If they say no, respect that. Respecting how they feel this time will build a relationship of trust where they will be more likely to trust you next time. Parents, your teens will feel respected when you honor their "no" and they will respect you more back.

Principle 6: Use more "I" statements than "you" statements. People tend to get offended when you start with "you do this" or "you have a tendency to ..." It goes over much better when you say "I have found that when I …” Speak to what you personally know and feel instead of making statements about them.

Principle 7: Focus more on future behavior than past behavior. People get defensive and frustrated when you talk about their past bad behavior because they can’t change it. Instead, focus on their future behavior because that they have control over. “Would you consider in the future, moving forward, working on … ?” “Do you think moving forward it might help to … ?” Also notice how phrasing suggestions as questions delivers them in a softer way.

Principle 8: Base any advice you give on principles of truth. Here are some basic truths which help people to see themselves and their situation more accurately. Most people know these, but they forget them in times of crisis when they are emotional or scared.

Life truths:

• Life is classroom and every experience a lesson.
• You are here to learn, grow and love.
• Nothing you do or think and nothing anyone else does or thinks can diminish you.
• Your value is infinite and absolute.
• Your life’s journey is the perfect classroom for you, for one reason or another.
• Fear is the root cause of every problem.
• The way we escape fear is by choosing trust and love.
• Love means seeing people as the same as you.
• Love means choosing to give validation to others instead of being focused on getting validation. This doesn’t mean you give them what they want, it means you value who they are.
• All bad behavior is a request for love or attention.
• Love is almost always the answer to every problem.
• Sometimes this means loving others, but sometimes it means loving yourself.
• Reminding someone of these truths is a good place to start after you ask permission to talk, and you cannot lead them astray if you focus on principles.

Principle 9: Recognize when professional help is needed. If someone is dealing with addiction, mental illness, depression or any other serious crisis situation, you must refer them to a mental health professional, counselor, therapist or doctor. If you aren’t sure whether a professional is appropriate, err on the side of caution and recommend it anyway.

You can do this. 

This article was first published on KSL.COM
Question:
I read your News Year’s article about all people having the same value, but I frankly disagree. People who hurt others, destroy property or cause trouble are bad people and those who work hard and do right things are good people. I also disagree with those who want to give a trophy to every kid, so no one loses or feels bad, and I think you are in that camp saying that virtuous choices don’t mean anything and we should all be treated the same regardless of our behavior. How can I teach my children to be good people if they have the same value either way?
Answer:

Let me explain my philosophy a different way and see if it makes more sense. There are definitely human beings who behave in a more responsible, mature, kind, law-abiding (conscientious) way than others, but are they intrinsically of more worth than other people?

I personally would classify them as "more conscientious beings," not as having “more intrinsic value.” Can you see the difference?

I believe there are basically two mindset options when it comes to seeing the value of people.

1. The first philosophy says human beings must prove their intrinsic and extrinsic value, because they are both in question. I call this a “Life is a Test” mindset. This mindset implies that extrinsic factors like performance and appearance determine a person’s intrinsic worth. When we have this mindset we tend to compare, judge and criticize others and even cast people (especially people who are different) as worse than us, in an effort to feel better about ourselves. This mindset creates a subconscious class system of sorts, where we feel better when we classify others as worse, which can lead to discrimination, racism, arrogance, hate and mistreatment.
2. The second philosophy is the “Life is a Classroom” mindset. This mindset says that all human beings have the same intrinsic value, which never changes and is not on the line. It says that all people deserve compassion and respect because of their intrinsic worth. Even if some people are better educated or are taught to be conscientious beings, while others aren’t given this advantage, they still have the same intrinsic worth. The classroom philosophy says that you can have infinite, absolute, intrinsic value and still have lots to learn on the extrinsic level.
   
   

Understand that if we took a person who grew up with value-driven parents and a person whose parents didn’t care about moral values and switched their places from birth, they would probably turn out exactly like the other person did. This reality helps us to understand that we can’t get intrinsic value from extrinsic advantages or circumstances. We must treat all people as having the same intrinsic value regardless of where they are in their extrinsic growth.

This doesn't mean we trust everyone or want to hang out with everyone — but it does mean we respect everyone.

Let me explain this using the sports analogy you mentioned, because I agree with you that the winners should get the trophies. Having winners and losers in a game is healthy and teaches kids to work hard and roll with the punches in life, but they should also be taught that winning doesn’t make you intrinsically better than the losers. It just means you worked harder, were blessed with more athletic ability, or had parents who spent more time practicing with you. That is why you won, but winning does not make you more deserving of respect or kindness. You still have the same intrinsic value as the losers.

Your hard work and conscientiousness will pay off and benefit you in life, but your virtuous behavior does not make other people less than you. They are just "less conscientious" than you. They are in a different place in their journey.

It is really important that children learn this correctly, because if they start thinking that those who win are better than those who lose, this can bleed over into seeing people who are different from them as less than them. It is a short jump from seeing the T-ball team that lost as less than you, to seeing those of a different color, or who live in a different neighborhood, or who go to a different church, as less than you.

I think when you said you wanted to teach your children to be "good people" you weren’t talking about their value being higher than others, you were talking about them being conscientious, responsible, kind people who are driven by moral values and principles. This is something it would serve all of us to work on and teach our children, but it doesn’t involve being better than anyone else.

It is about virtues and principles — not value and worth. We must work on being good people without looking down on people who aren’t working on it yet. That is the trick.

Here are some rules for being a conscientious human to practice and teach your children:

1. See life as a classroom. You are on this planet to grow, learn, develop your character and especially to learn to love God, life, yourself and other people. Every experience you encounter is here to teach you something.
   
   
2. Understand that you have a unique set of classes. Everyone on the planet is in their own unique classroom journey. There will never be another person who gets the same journey as you, so comparing yourself with others makes no sense. Also remember that you have no idea what another person's journey has been like.
   
   
3. Be responsible for yourself. Work hard to take care of your own needs and don't expect others to take care of you. Clean up your messes, pay your bills, do the work assigned to you and take care of your things. (Having said that, conscientious people also ask for help when they need it and give help to others.)
   
   
4. Be respectful. Respect the rights of other people. Don’t do anything that takes from others. Respect their property, their time, their opinions and their feelings. Be on time. Don’t deface or destroy things that don’t belong to you. Don’t steal or say disrespectful things. You don’t have to agree with the opinions of others, but you do have to honor and respect their right to think and live the way they do.
   
   
5. Be kind. Everyone deserves to be treated with kindness (make this the core principle of your life). Make sure you apologize when you do wrong, say please and thank you, and acknowledge the people around you. Never say or do anything that is cruel, hurtful, harmful or degrading toward any other being (human or animal). This says more about your character than anything else.
   
   
6. Be honest and keep commitments. People would rather hear the truth, even if it hurts, is boring or is bad news. Be genuine, own your mistakes, accept yourself as you are, and expect others to do the same. If you commit to be somewhere or do something, do it. If you don’t think you can do it, don’t commit. Understand that people can feel dishonesty (in your energy) even if they don’t know you are lying. Being an honest person will create a positive, confident energy people are drawn to.
   
   
7. Trust the process of life. The universe is a wise teacher and it will always deliver the perfect lessons you need. Some of these lessons will be painful, but you will suffer more if you resist them. Accept them as your perfect classroom and work on figuring out the lesson. The sooner you learn the lesson, the quicker you can move on. If you don’t get the lesson, it will repeat until you do.
   
   
8. Be patient. This is part of trusting the process of life. The universe knows what it’s doing, and waiting is sometimes your perfect journey. Be patient with people and remember that a slower process of learning doesn’t make them less than you.
   
   
9. Be a giver. Look for ways to give, lift, help and serve other people. Give compliments, appreciation, acts of kindness, donate to good causes, let other cars merge in, hold doors open for people, and give good tips. There is a universal law called "You get what you give.” The more you give, the more the universe will send abundance and love your way. Be a giver and you will be rich.
   
   
10. Be a forgiver. Of course you will experience some anger, but don’t live there. Be quick to allow others to make mistakes, be imperfect and need more education, because you do too. Remember that offenses are in your life to help you grow and become wiser, stronger and more loving. Figure out how an offense (against you) served your education and it will be easier to let it go. Remember when you allow others to have 'intrinsic value' even though they make mistakes, you will have that same standard for yourself. Good forgivers always have good self-esteem. If your self-esteem is bad, practice forgiving.
    
    
11. Treat everyone as an equal. Do this because you understand the principle of intrinsic value. Remember we are all one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable human souls with the same worth — we are just taking different classes on a different journey. Everyone deserves respect and kindness.
    
    
12. Be mindful. Pay attention to what you think and feel in every moment. Understand you are the one in control of your thoughts and emotions. No one can make you upset, hurt your feelings or make you feel small, unless you let them. You are responsible for your inner state, your reactions and your behavior. Consciously choose a love-based response instead of reacting from fear.
    
    

All of these will take practice and patience, but reviewing them often and teaching them to your children will keep the goal in mind.

In my New Year’s article I talked about changing yourself and changing the world. I still believe you are either part of the solution or you’re part of the problem, and the problems on this planet won’t be solved by pointing fingers at others. They will be solved by working on YOU — the only person you have any control over.

Robert S. Hartman said, “The good takes time; one cannot be good in a hurry. … This is why peace will not come through so-called strong men. They look for easy and fast solutions. It will come through men of patience, compassion and humility — men of faith.”

You are the solution and you can do this! 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a coach and speaker.

This article was published first on KSL.com
Question:
My friend recently told me that the way my husband treats me is emotional abuse. We have been married for almost 30 years and the way we deal with each other seems pretty normal to me, but I'm wondering now if it is normal. Do other women get yelled at or criticized as much as I do? I know my husband doesn’t see any good in me at all and never has, so we don't have a very loving relationship, but how would I know if his behavior is crossing the line and is abusive?
Answer:

I'm so glad you asked this question because you are not alone on this. I think a lot of people put up with abuse because they think it's normal.

According to a study from the National Clearinghouse on Family Violence, 39 percent of women have suffered emotional abuse by their husbands/partners and this kind of abuse can go on for years for the very reason you described. It is so easy to rationalize, misinterpret or overlook once it feels normal.

The problem is not only coming from men though. Women can also be the perpetrators of emotional abuse and the problem with accepting this behavior as normal is that you are teaching the man (or women) in your life that it's OK to treat people this way, so they will never change.

We are here (in the classroom of life) to learn about love, and your spouse has some important lessons coming that he really needs to learn. You have (apparently) been selected as the teacher on this one because you may be the only person who can teach him this vital human lesson — it is not okay to be unkind and cruel to other people.

You are not serving anyone’s best interest when you allow him to mistreat you. It doesn’t serve you, your spouse, or your children. It sets a terrible example and gives power to the idea that some people have less value than others, which is not true. All people deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.

Everyone has disagreements with their spouse on occasion, but some kinds of fighting behavior are not acceptable. I believe there are three types of “bad behavior” in relationships and I want you to be familiar with them so you can tell what is okay or reasonable and what is not.

Here are the three categories of bad relationship behavior:

1. Garden variety offenses caused by fear and stress.  When people are stressed, hungry, tired or overwhelmed, they get grouchy and selfish. If, on occasion, your spouse has one of these fear-based, bad behavior moments (and it doesn’t happen very often, like every day or week) then you should just forgive them, understand it wasn’t really about you (it’s their fears about themselves) and let it roll off without another thought. These rare and minor offenses that you should let go without bringing them up and causing drama about them. No one is perfect and everyone will have a bad day on occasion, snap, lose their temper or say something stupid. When your partner offends you with this kind of behavior, don’t make a big deal about it. Forgive them and let it go. You will do this because you want your small “mess-ups” to be forgiven, too.
   
2. Offensive behavior which happens either too often, is hurtful or harsh. This behavior should be brought up and worked on. It should not be ignored.
   This kind of treatment includes: unintentionally saying something hurtful, being inconsiderate or unkind, criticizing you on occasion, talking down to you, or doing something that is basically selfish or thoughtless. If these behaviors show up often (every week) you should have some conversations about it and ask your spouse to treat you differently in the future. (If your partner doesn’t work to change these behaviors, you don’t see any noticeable results, and/or your partner refuses professional help of any kind, you may move this behavior to category three.)
3. Bad behavior that should not be tolerated. (This includes inappropriate behavior from category two that isn’t changing and has become frequent or behavior that has escalated to any of the things mentioned below.)
   
   Also keep in mind that these behaviors toward a child are also unacceptable. If your spouse treats your children this way, you must do something to protect them and get help.
   
   These types of behavior are unacceptable: Calling you names, repeatedly putting you down, comparing you with others to show how inadequate you are, intentionally hurting your feelings, belittling you on a regular basis, ignoring you, controlling you or punishing you for small offenses (not getting dishes washed or something cleaned well enough), insulting you, lying to you, intimidating or threatening you, breaking promises, breaking things, correcting everything you say, cutting you off from your family and friends, the silent treatment for hours or days, forcing you to own responsibility for every problem, checking up on you and being overly suspicious, nitpicking, verbal intimidation, lengthy interrogations or lectures, refusing to honor your requests for time and space, demanding sex, temper tantrums to get what they want, out of control or irrational behavior and physical violence of any kind whatsoever — these should not be tolerated.
   
   

If you are experiencing this kind of behavior in your relationship, please don’t accept it as normal and let it continue. You must seek some professional help and do something about this, especially if there are children in your home. I often hear people in abusive relationships say they are staying for their children and don’t want to break up the family. You must understand that even watching this kind of abuse is damaging your children.

Safe Horizons (a website for victims of abuse) says that without help, children who witness abuse are more vulnerable to being abused themselves as adults or teens, or they are likely to become abusers themselves.

The Help Guide Website also has more about the clinical symptoms of emotional abuse that you may want to read.

The bottom line is, you deserve to feel safe and respected in your home. In a healthy relationship you should also be able to have mature, rational, mutually validating conversations about problems that arise. If your partner can't do that and is tearing down your self-esteem on a regular basis (so you feel miserable and worthless) and you experience fear whenever they are home, you are probably a victim of emotional or psychological abuse. Your rationalizing this as normal makes sense when it is all you have experienced for most of your adult life, but it is not normal or acceptable.

If you love yourself, your children and your spouse at all, you owe it to them all to seek help. It is time for your spouse and children to learn that all people deserve to be treated with kindness, respect and compassion.

If you don’t have a religious leader, counselor or coach to go to for help, start with the Utah Domestic Violence Coalition, they can point you in the right direction.

I know that change or seeking help sounds scary because ‘the known,’ even though it’s bad, feels safer than the ‘unknown.’ But I promise (and I know this from personal experience) you will grow and learn so much from standing up for yourself. It will be a huge win in the end. There will be some really hard moments, but you are stronger than you think you are, and you really do deserve better.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and is a popular speaker.

This article was first published on KSL.COM
Question:
My spouse has anger issues. She has been mad at me for years and can’t seem to let it go. She also expresses a lot of anger towards other people. She can invent reasons to be angry at anyone. I don’t understand her anger and it concerns me, especially when I’m sometimes the target of it. Is there anything I can do?
Answer:

First, I want you (and I believe it would serve us all) to better understand the psychology behind anger. It usually comes from these three factors:

1. A fear of not being good enough, valued or important, which creates a tendency to cast blame at others.
   
2. A feeling of being wronged, taken from or insulted (victimized).
   
3. Sometimes it includes an addiction to the chemical rush that comes with anger and can make one feel powerful.
   
   

If you look behind someone’s anger you will usually find some insecurity (though they may be covering it up with ego) and an incident where they felt taken from, treated badly or insulted at some level. The funny thing about this (anger triggering) experience is that it doesn’t have to be real, logical or even make sense for the brain to latch onto it, and the more addicted to anger someone is the easier these moments are to invent.

A victim experience can even be created when someone has done something wrong themselves and you have just called them on their bad behavior. Because they don’t want to be responsible for their behavior, they subconsciously focus on how mean you were for bringing it up. (Many of you have experienced this with your spouse or significant other.)

I experienced this recently when I was pulled over by the police for running a stop sign. It was a very interesting anger experience. My first thought (driven by my subconscious programming) was to think of an excuse that might get me out of being responsible for that partial stop. I hoped that this police officer would be nice (and not be a jerk) about my very slight offense and let me off with a warning, but the officer did her job, handled me in a very matter of fact way, and gave me a ticket.

I was not happy about this and I honestly felt mistreated. I experienced a great deal of anger towards this officer because I felt wronged. I did stop at that stop sign, just not long enough, apparently, but there was no reason to be so rude about it — that was my thinking. There was even a part of my ego that wanted to say something mean to her about what a rude person she was. I didn’t, because I'm pretty emotionally mature and nonreactive, but my ego side sure wanted to.

Instead, I sat in the car for a minute and really experienced my angry emotions. The amount of anger I had towards this officer, who was just doing her job, was amazing. I realized this experience could help me to understand why some people, who have more police “interactions” because of their skin color or ethnicity (which is a reality) would start to feel a great deal of anger towards the police.

I also understand it because I have an African-American daughter who gets followed around stores by nervous employees all the time. This can create some anger in both of us, but fortunately, we are able to see that it isn’t really about us (it’s about their fear) so we strive to ignore it.

I tell you this because I want you to understand that your spouse probably suffers from a general fear of being insulted or taken from all the time. This may come from her past and is a part of her subconscious programming. She probably also suffers from low self-esteem (though again, she might cover this with pride and ego) and to compensate for this she will subconsciously look for offenses to be angry about, because being angry at “them or you” makes her ego feel powerful and somewhat better about herself. By casting you or someone else as the bad guy, it feels like by default, that makes her the good guy.

So, now that you better understand her psychology, your question was is there anything you can do?

First, understand when the anger is directed at you that it isn’t really about you. It is really a projection of her fears about herself and need to feel powerful and right by making others wrong. You must see her anger accurately for what it is, so you won’t let it bother you too much. It is her problem. Don’t take it on and suffer over it.

Second, be nice, kind, calm and logical and treat her with all the respect and love that you can, even when she doesn’t deserve it. Praise her and validate her whenever possible too (about any good behavior you see). This is the last thing she expects as she is subconsciously hoping you will behave badly back, so she can further cast you as the bad one. Being kind will throw her off her game, and it may actually force her to see she is the one behaving badly. This is what you want.

Don’t cast any stones or point out that she is in the wrong. You want her to realize this on her own (it’s much more powerful this way.) Having said that, if a lot of time goes by and she just isn’t seeing her anger issues or working on them, you may need to get a professional involved who can help her to see how her behavior is a problem and show her how to change it. It works a lot better if a third-party professional, not you, is the one to point out her need to learn forgiveness.

I also mentioned in last week’s article (about the most important New Year's resolution you could make) that we all need to start seeing other people as the same as us, and not cast them as the bad guys, because this is the real answer to stopping hate and anger. Make sure you read it if you missed it and remember that we are all imperfect, struggling, scared human beings doing the best we can with what we know and we all have the exact same value.

If you would commit to see other people (and especially your spouse) accurately this year and never see yourself as better, it will take your ego out of the picture and bring love, tolerance and acceptance back in. We must stop casting our spouse, neighbors, the police or people who are different from us as the bad guys. We must remember that anger towards another person or group of people will hurt you more than it will hurt them.

Buddha said, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; but you are the one who gets burned.”

Understand that every experience where you feel wronged or insulted is there to help you grow, learn to forgive and become a better person. It is your lesson on forgiveness, tolerance, understanding and becoming more mature (not theirs).

Even in situations when a wrong needs to be brought up, you must do it from a place of love for the other person, not seeing them as the bad guy. It must be handled from a place of forgiveness, seeing the other person as the same as you, as a struggling human being who has much more to learn.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a coach and speaker.

This article was first published on KSL.COM
Web Tease: Coach Kim's yearly New Year's resolution article. This year she challenges us to see all people as having the same value and make a stand for human rights, tolerance and love.
 
For the last two years in January I have recommended one resolution that would have the biggest impact on your life. In 2013 I wrote about improving communication skills and thereby improving your relationships at home and work. In 2014 I recommended forgiving yourself and others as this would greatly improve your self-esteem and quality of life. This year, I would like to recommend a resolution that could not only change your life — but may also change the world.

There is a great deal of hate sweeping our planet right now. There is terrible racial conflict in our country and fighting over differences in religion, race and sexual orientation, happening around the world. As we have watched the fighting, beheadings, riots and terrorism on TV, we, at our house, find ourselves asking the same question over and over, “What can we do to change this?”

This question can leave us feeling powerless at times, but the truth is, one person can make a difference. People like Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr., who successfully made a big difference in the world, started out as regular people like you and me. They were regular people who decided to speak out for truth, but because their ideas were truth, it resonated with people and movements were born.

I am going to tell how you can help, speak out, stand up and make your voice heard in defense of truth to encourage equality, respect, unity and love in the world, but before I do that I want you to understand the real root of the problem.

The real problem behind these conflicts is a problematic tendency of human nature that makes all of us subconsciously see those who are different from us (in any way) as less than or worse than us. We basically assume that if we are different from another person, one of us must be better and the other worse. Since we don’t want to be the bad one, we subconsciously look for the bad in the other person so we can cast them as the bad guy, making us feel like the good guy. This can happen in a split second without us even consciously realizing we are doing it.

If you put any two people in a room, they will immediately (subconsciously) either feel intimidated and less than the other person, or slightly better and above the other. The factors influencing this viewpoint may be racial, social, economic or educational, but the more different they are from each other, the more fear and discomfort will be generated. We are also subconsciously afraid of things we don’t understand. So, people who are vastly different from us make us even more uncomfortable. This is why we struggle to accept those of different cultures or sexual orientation. Since we have a hard time understanding them, the difference generates more fear.

Have you noticed how we flock to those who are most like us? We are always more comfortable around our own kind, though we can change this by pushing ourselves out of our comfort zones and over time we can become comfortable around anyone. The problem is that most of us don’t push ourselves to do this. We just stay with our group.

This simple subconscious tendency to fear those who are different is responsible for most of the conflict, fighting, war, prejudice, racism, discrimination and hate on the planet. This tendency to see ourselves as better than others and think that our way is the right way and everyone else is wrong — is dividing countries, communities and even families. It is separating us and drawing all kinds of lines of division. We divide ourselves by political party, religion, neighborhood, which mayonnaise we use, which soda we drink and which school or sports team we cheer for, and then we declare ourselves as better than ‘those people’ and cast them as the enemy.

This has to stop.

But the only way to stop it is to change the way we think about and see each other, and this change has to happen inside the head of every person individually.

The problem is, the only person you have any control over is you.

So, that is where you must start. You must work on changing you.

You can start this year by committing to see all people as the same as you. This is the resolution I recommend in 2015. Practice not letting differences scare you, make you uncomfortable, suspicious or angry. You can practice letting all men be free to be who they are and not see yourself as better than anyone else. You can commit to treat all people as one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable, amazing, divine human beings with the same value as you. You can work on treating people with respect, kindness and acceptance everywhere you go.

You can also check your behavior at all times by asking yourself if the behavior is lawful, kind, respectful, honest or helpful. If it isn’t going to further the cause of liberty, love and brotherhood with all people — don’t say it or don’t do it.

You can also join the march for tolerance, racial unity and peace online, right now. In the old days, people had to gather in a public place to march (to be seen and heard) and draw attention to a cause. You can now reach the world at home through social media.

Visit www.itakethechallenge.com to read more about how to join the march for tolerance and peace on social media. Make a sign, then film a video or take a picture and post them on social media with your commitment to be the solution. Use #iamthesolution with your post. I took the challenge and my video is on Facebook.

Then, directly challenge (call out) three of your friends or neighbors to do the same. Together we could literally flood social media with videos and pictures of people advocating for love, tolerance and unity. Then (and most importantly) back it up with your behavior this year. Make a commitment to actually live what you profess.

Don’t wait to act on this. Do it today. Don’t worry about how you look or the quality of the film. Just do it.

If Martin Luther King Jr. was still here and was organizing a march in your town today, would you join in? Would you be willing to speak out and let the world know that you commit to see all people as equal in value and deserving of respect, justice, tolerance and love?

This is your chance.

The world needs to see and hear from the silent majority who don’t make the news and who aren’t racist, angry or intolerant. It needs to hear from people who understand looting and anger aren’t going to change things. It needs to hear from you.

We need to flood the Internet in 2015 with commitments of peace, equality and love. Remember if you aren’t part of the solution, then you are part of the problem.

Edmund Burke said, “All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.”

Please do something.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a coach and speaker.