Question:

My child is getting bullied at school (even though he is only 4 years old). What can I do to help him be more self-confident and sure of himself now and in his future?

Answer:

I am so glad you asked this question because self-confidence is the most precious gift we can give our children. It is also the most important thing you can work on in yourself. A person’s self-worth drastically affects the quality of their marriage, their career and the happiness in their life.

So, my question to you is, how is your self-esteem?

The most powerful way to encourage healthy self-esteem in children is by example, but you can’t give what you don’t have. So if you struggle with fear around not being good enough yourself, I strongly recommend you to get some help with it. Working with a counselor or coach who knows how to change the way you value yourself, can make a huge difference for your whole family.

You must remember life is a classroom (a place of learning and growing), not a test, where your value is constantly on the line. You are “good enough” as you are right now (even though you are imperfect and struggling), because your value is not based in your performance, appearance, property or anything else around you. Your value comes from the fact that you are a one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable human soul made of love, for love and by love. You are like an irreplaceable diamond that has the same value no matter where it is. No matter what you are currently experiencing, you have the same infinite value.

You must also remember that what other people think of you is irrelevant too, because you are the same you, no matter what they think. When you embrace these principles of truth and start living them, your children will follow your lead.

Here are a couple other suggestions for raising confident kids:

1. Give smart praise. What I mean is, focused more on who they are (their character, qualities and attributes) than on how they perform or look. When you praise appearance, it gives children the idea that their values are based there. Praise them for being kind or honest instead. Look for opportunities to help them equate who they are with their goodness on the inside.
2. Don’t give so much praise that they become dependent on hearing validation to feel valued. Say “You should be proud of yourself” more than “I’m proud of you.” This demonstrates that it is what they think of themself that matters. When they ask “Does this look good on me?” Say “What do you think of it?”
3. Give children lots of encouragement in their abilities. Tell them they can do hard things, make good choices and handle tough situations. Tell them they are capable and wise. Build them up and help them to see the amazing person you see in them.
4. Always encourage them to ask for help when needed. It doesn’t mean they aren’t capable — it means they are smart. Smart people ask for help often. Let them know that we all need help at times and there is no shame in doing something badly while they learn to do it better. That is how we learn.
5. Instead of solving problems for kids, teach problem-solving skills and show them how to find solutions on their own. This builds confidence and gives them the skills they need to survive in life.
6. Ask lots of questions and listen to what they think and feel. This makes children feel important and valued. Imagine how important I am, if adults actually listen to what I think. This is one of the most powerful ways to instill confidence and validate people. Make asking questions and listening a daily habit.
7. Set boundaries, rules and consequences in your home. A lack of structure makes children feel unloved and unsafe, but don’t go overboard. Children also need to learn how to make decisions on their own and be responsible for their choices. Give them as much freedom as possible and empower them to make good decisions.
8. Remind them often that life is a classroom, not a testing center. This means there are no mistakes, only lessons and chances to grow. When children make mistakes, focus more on correcting the error in thinking that created the problem, than on punishing them for the behavior. They need to understand why the choice was wrong and what happened inside them when they made that choice. Correcting thinking and helping children to understand themselves is the goal.
9. Remind them that every experience shows up to teach us something. If they are bullied at school, why could that experience be happening? How could it give them a chance to grow?
10. Remind them that what other people think of them doesn’t matter, but you must model this behavior if you want them to believe it. Show by example that you are bulletproof to put-downs.

I also have a confidence program for children we are rolling out to elementary schools this year. It includes 10 "claritypoints," which teach principles of truth and self-esteem. You can download them here and are welcome to use them with your son.

Hope this helps. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought-after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem.

Question:

I get extremely jealous of my adult siblings. They have life better than I do and it’s difficult to watch them go on trips, get new houses and new cars, and know that I will never have those things. I’m trying to be happy for them, but I admit, deep down I’m extremely sick of seeing it all. I can’t stop feeling bothered that life is so unfair. Do you have any advice, because I don’t like feeling this way?

Answer:

J.R. Ward said, “Welcome to the wonderful world of jealousy. For the price of admission you get a splitting headache, a nearly irresistible urge to commit murder and an inferiority complex. Yipee.”

My advice is — choose to feel differently.

Some people believe their feelings are out of their control and can’t be changed, but that is not true. Your conscious mind has the power to override your subconscious thoughts and fears and change the way you feel about anything, at any moment.

You must own that you have that power and are responsible for that choice.

Until you own this, and start consciously choosing your emotions and state of mind, you will always be a victim and feel powerless. You must consciously choose how you are going to feel about yourself, your life and your siblings. You must choose love over fear to get your power back.

Understand that jealousy is a fear problem. (I know that some of you are still not convinced that every problem is a fear problem, but I assure you it’s true.) Jealousy is a serious fear problem because it triggers both of your deepest, darkest core fears: the fear of failure (not being good enough), and the fear of loss (that your life won’t be good enough).

Jealousy could not happen if you saw your value and your life accurately — if you were solidly grounded in the truth about your infinite and absolute value, as a one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable, amazing soul. If you embrace this truth, you will never feel less than other people.

Robert Heinlein said, “A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity.”

Jealousy is a sign that your subconscious mind (entrenched in fear) is looking for proof that other people are better than you. You subconsciously believe if they have more than you, or if life has rewarded them with things you didn’t get, then they must be better than you. Why else would God bless them more?

None of this is true. Your life is a perfect classroom journey, custom made just for you, to serve your unique process of learning. Your siblings got signed up for different classes than you did, for a reason. There are no accidents. Your unique path is going to teach you the lessons you need most.

Remember, your value as a human being is the same as theirs, regardless of their quality of life or what they have. We all have the same value, we just required different lessons and therefore made different choices.

I recommend the following exercise to work through your jealous feelings:

1. Write your feelings on paper and describe them in detail. Instead of trying to stuff these feelings, embrace them fully and feel the pain they create as acutely as possible. Lean into the feelings instead of resisting them. You will work through them faster if you embrace and let yourself process them. What are they here to teach you? What kind of behavior are they encouraging? Why does your sibling’s happiness threaten you? Does their success take anything away from you? Does feeling jealous serve you at any level? Does it motivate you to create more success yourself? Write the answers to these questions on paper.

2. Separate the ego/scarcity/fear part of you that likes jealous feelings, from the spirit/abundance/ love part of you that doesn’t want to be here. Which side do you want to let drive your life? Who do you want to be? In every moment, you get to choose your state, and there are only two options. You can live from a place of love, abundance and peace or you can live from fear, scarcity and discontent.

How do you want to live? You must consciously make this choice on a daily — and sometimes hourly — basis.Write down your commitment to choose love.

3. Make a written rule against comparing yourself with other people. There is no level where comparing serves anyone. Make an official policy against it.

4. Remember life is a package deal and each life path comes with some blessings and some trials. If you had another person’s blessings, you would also have to take their trials.

5. Don’t doubt yourself and your own abilities. You can accomplish almost anything you want if you set your mind to. If you want more from life, believe in yourself and go create it.

6. Carefully choose your thoughts. Every thought matters. Choose to think only positive, loving thoughts about yourself and other people. In doing this you are choosing abundance and blessings for everyone. Choose to see the world as abundant and overflowing with enough for all.

7. Choose gratitude for what you have, every minute of every day. Gratitude is one of the most positive emotions you can choose. When you live from a place of gratitude, you are accepting all love and blessings from the universe and opening the door wide to receive more. Also remember, there are people on the planet who would be jealous of you. Count every small blessing and embrace gratitude.

Hope this helps. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem.

Question:

I have a problem with someone at work. They take every available opportunity to put me down, gossip about me, or make snide comments. I can't leave this job, but I don’t want to create drama by going to my boss. I've got to find a solution to this problem. Any ideas?

Answer:

I would like to recommend a simple, solution-focused process that can help you find solutions to most problems. Many of the questions sent into me at KSL could be easily solved, on your own, by following this simple process.

(If you don’t currently have a pressing people problem, you may want to print this article off and save it anyway, because you will surely have one soon enough.)

I believe we are here on this planet to learn and especially to learn to love both ourselves and other people. Most of the people in your life — and especially the difficult ones — are there primarily to teach you how to love at a deeper level. Difficult people make for amazing learning opportunities.

Get out some scratch paper and follow the process below to find the right solution to this one.

1. Define the problem. You must make sure you really understand the problem. We often assume a lot of things about other people that we don't really know. You might want to ask some more questions and make sure you understand the other person and what is going on in their world. Figure out what they are afraid of (failure or loss) and what they are really trying to accomplish with their current behavior. Are they trying to protect themselves, get validation or just prove they have value? Are they threatened by you? Do they suffer from low self-esteem? Is there any other reason they might be grouchy or unhappy?

2. See if this problem could be broken down into smaller problems. Sometimes problems are more easily solved in pieces. How could you break this one down?

3. Get your fear of failure or loss off the table. If this situation is triggering your fear of not being good enough, it will muddle your ability to see the situation accurately. You can escape fear by choosing to trust that this experience is here to serve you, which means it is meant to be solved. Trust the process of life that however it turns out, it will be OK. Then, choose to trust that your value is infinite and absolute and not affected by this problem. Remember you have the same value no matter what happens. You must get in trust so you can function from a place of clarity.

4. Define the outcome you want. Make sure this is a well-thought-out, unemotional objective that is based in love for yourself and the other person involved. Sometimes the right solution means loving yourself and sometimes it means showing up with love for the other person, but the right solution should be love motivated — not fear motivated.

5. Brainstorm as many possible solutions as you can. Shoot for 50. This will force you to think outside the box and get really creative about all your options. Don't censure, edit or judge your ideas just yet. Write them all down. Who could you ask for help? Write down as many people as you can think of. What other resources are available to you? Write them all down.

6. Bring humor into the situation. This may sound funny but it’s been scientifically proven that humor improves your ability to solve problems. A study, published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, found that people who just watched a funny movie could solve difficult problems 75 percent of the time, while those who watched a movie about math beforehand, only solved it 20 percent of the time. So, make this process fun. Laugh and play with your possibilities while you brainstorm as many solutions as you can.

7. Now, go through your list and cross out all the fear-motivated options. (All the selfish, reactive, destructive or unloving ideas must go.)

8. Now, cross off all the impractical or impossible ideas too. (These were helpful because they often trigger some creative ideas that are possible.)

9. See if you can narrow the remaining options down to your top few. Write each on a card and place them in front of you on the table.

10. Now, see if you can eliminate one that doesn’t feel right. Do it again and eliminate one more. Are there some options that you just can't eliminate? That could be your intuition telling you what to do.

The truth is that you are entitled to intuition about the best course of action in every specific situation. If you trust that you are entitled to guidance and believe it will be there, you will feel it.

(I have clients who use this process to solve all kinds of problems, not just people problems — give it a try.)

Most people problems come down to these two loving options, though.

1. Let it go. Decide to forgive the person for being scared, imperfect or blind to their behavior. Decide to give them permission to be work in progress and choose to see the highest best in them. Most of the time (if you can do this) it is the best option.

2. Have a loving conversation with this person and try to resolve the issue. If you choose this route, follow the steps for mutually validating conversations click here to access a worksheet on how to do that.

Hope this helps. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem.

Question:

I love my spouse, but I don’t trust him. He has never lied or been unfaithful that I know of; it is just a feeling I have. The last few weeks have been very hard for us because my distrust is causing problems. I am moody, unhappy and constantly grilling him about his secretary at work and other women he is around. What is my problem? Why can’t I just trust him?

Answer:

The question is, “Is this feeling of distrust your intuition, or are you projecting your fear (of not being good enough or your fear of loss) onto your spouse?” If your fears are unfounded, you need to work on your self-esteem and choose trust, but you better make sure this nagging feeling isn’t your intuition first.

Studies have shown that 85 percent of women who have a gut feeling that their partner is cheating turn out to be right. Most of the time your gut feelings are highly reliable and worth paying attention to, but your subconscious fears can get in the way and muddle these messages, too. So you must learn how to tell the difference.

Intuition differs from fear in that an intuition message is usually a peaceful one that prompts action, while fear tends come with feelings of anxiety and stress that can paralyze you (like a deer in the headlights) and stop you from action.

Intuition is also more unemotional and based in the moment, while fear feels emotionally charged and focused on the future. Fear is also usually tied, at some level, to experiences you had in the past. If you were cheated on before or were raised to distrust men, you might bring those feelings with you into new relationships. These things could make fear a more likely suspect.

Most people who get an intuition feeling describe it as a quiet knowing, while people who are experiencing fear are more bothered and grouchy. This is not the case 100 percent of the time, but it's a pretty good tell.

I believe your gut can tell you if your feelings are founded in fact or not, if you really listen. You may want to try the following test and see if it brings clarity:

Make the decision that you are going to trust your husband from now on. Assume your distrustful feelings are based in your fears of inadequacy or abandonment. Then, spend the next few days fully committed to trust, working on your self-esteem, reading some books on the subject, and talking to a counselor or coach about overcoming your fears of not being good enough. During this time, see how you feel about your decision. If you feel peaceful and calm, you are on the right track and there was nothing to fear. But, if the feeling of warning won’t go away and continues to nag at you, you probably need to pay attention to it.

I had a client who had a quiet knowing her husband wasn’t faithful for years, but didn’t act on it because she lacked confidence. She recently found out he’d been cheating on her for 20 years. Now, we are working on her self-esteem so she will trust herself in the future.

Having said that, I have another client who let her fear of abandonment that she’d had since childhood create a fear of cheating in her marriage that was completely off base. After years of being questioned and second-guessed, her poor husband finally asked for a divorce. This woman didn’t believe she was worthy of love, and in the end, her fear pushed love away.

To make sure subconscious fears are not clouding your perception of your husband, ask yourself how often you suffer with insecurity or a fear of not being good enough. If this is a big issue for you, or if you have felt unloved, unwanted or unappreciated most of your life, there is a good chance that you are projecting fears onto your spouse.

If this is the case, you must do some work on your self-esteem. Once you can see yourself as amazing, lovable and valued, you will be better able to hear your intuition and know what's true about your husband.

Most of the time it is better to choose love and trust your partner, though. If you choose to trust your spouse and make him feel loved, cherished and wanted every day, and he ends up cheating, it will be his fault and his loss. He will carry the responsibility for wrecking the relationship. But, if you choose to assume the worst of him and live with distrust, fear and suspicion and he doesn’t cheat, it will be you who wrecks the relationship.

I believe trust and love are usually the best answer.

Besides, seeing the absolute best in someone can often push him or her in that direction. If your husband thinks that you think he is wonderful, kind, honest and loving, he will often try to live up to that. But if you think he is dishonest and sleazy, he might as well be that.

Tell your husband how wonderful he is and make sure he feels loved and wanted every day. People who feel adored, wanted and cherished usually don’t cheat. There are exceptions to this rule, of course. There are some situations where loving people who are fully invested in their relationship and are still rejected or cheated on, but they are the exception not the rule. Some of us marry people who are incapable of being honest and committed. If you are in one of those relationships, getting out is your best course of action.

I recommend you choose to be fully engaged in giving love, support, appreciation and affection to your spouse; work to improve your self-esteem; and fully commit to seeing the absolute best in your partner instead of the worst. If you try this for a while and something still feels off, listen to your gut and follow it.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem.