I get extremely jealous of my adult siblings. They have life better than I do and it’s difficult to watch them go on trips, get new houses and new cars, and know that I will never have those things. I’m trying to be happy for them, but I admit, deep down I’m extremely sick of seeing it all. I can’t stop feeling bothered that life is so unfair. Do you have any advice, because I don’t like feeling this way?
J.R. Ward said, “Welcome to the wonderful world of jealousy. For the price of admission you get a splitting headache, a nearly irresistible urge to commit murder and an inferiority complex. Yipee.”
My advice is — choose to feel differently.
Some people believe their feelings are out of their control and can’t be changed, but that is not true. Your conscious mind has the power to override your subconscious thoughts and fears and change the way you feel about anything, at any moment.
You must own that you have that power and are responsible for that choice.
Until you own this, and start consciously choosing your emotions and state of mind, you will always be a victim and feel powerless. You must consciously choose how you are going to feel about yourself, your life and your siblings. You must choose love over fear to get your power back.
Understand that jealousy is a fear problem. (I know that some of you are still not convinced that every problem is a fear problem, but I assure you it’s true.) Jealousy is a serious fear problem because it triggers both of your deepest, darkest core fears: the fear of failure (not being good enough), and the fear of loss (that your life won’t be good enough).
Jealousy could not happen if you saw your value and your life accurately — if you were solidly grounded in the truth about your infinite and absolute value, as a one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable, amazing soul. If you embrace this truth, you will never feel less than other people.
Robert Heinlein said, “A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity.”
Jealousy is a sign that your subconscious mind (entrenched in fear) is looking for proof that other people are better than you. You subconsciously believe if they have more than you, or if life has rewarded them with things you didn’t get, then they must be better than you. Why else would God bless them more?
None of this is true. Your life is a perfect classroom journey, custom made just for you, to serve your unique process of learning. Your siblings got signed up for different classes than you did, for a reason. There are no accidents. Your unique path is going to teach you the lessons you need most.
Remember, your value as a human being is the same as theirs, regardless of their quality of life or what they have. We all have the same value, we just required different lessons and therefore made different choices.
I recommend the following exercise to work through your jealous feelings:
1. Write your feelings on paper and describe them in detail. Instead of trying to stuff these feelings, embrace them fully and feel the pain they create as acutely as possible. Lean into the feelings instead of resisting them. You will work through them faster if you embrace and let yourself process them. What are they here to teach you? What kind of behavior are they encouraging? Why does your sibling’s happiness threaten you? Does their success take anything away from you? Does feeling jealous serve you at any level? Does it motivate you to create more success yourself? Write the answers to these questions on paper.
2. Separate the ego/scarcity/fear part of you that likes jealous feelings, from the spirit/abundance/ love part of you that doesn’t want to be here. Which side do you want to let drive your life? Who do you want to be? In every moment, you get to choose your state, and there are only two options. You can live from a place of love, abundance and peace or you can live from fear, scarcity and discontent.
How do you want to live? You must consciously make this choice on a daily — and sometimes hourly — basis.Write down your commitment to choose love.
3. Make a written rule against comparing yourself with other people. There is no level where comparing serves anyone. Make an official policy against it.
4. Remember life is a package deal and each life path comes with some blessings and some trials. If you had another person’s blessings, you would also have to take their trials.
5. Don’t doubt yourself and your own abilities. You can accomplish almost anything you want if you set your mind to. If you want more from life, believe in yourself and go create it.
6. Carefully choose your thoughts. Every thought matters. Choose to think only positive, loving thoughts about yourself and other people. In doing this you are choosing abundance and blessings for everyone. Choose to see the world as abundant and overflowing with enough for all.
7. Choose gratitude for what you have, every minute of every day. Gratitude is one of the most positive emotions you can choose. When you live from a place of gratitude, you are accepting all love and blessings from the universe and opening the door wide to receive more. Also remember, there are people on the planet who would be jealous of you. Count every small blessing and embrace gratitude.
Hope this helps.
Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem.
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Kimberly Giles is the president and founder of Claritypoint Life Coaching and 12 SHAPES INC. She is an author and professional speaker. She was named one of the top 20 advice gurus in the country by Good Morning America in 2010. She appears regularly on local and national TV and Radio.