Question:

I’m a 40-year-old woman and I am truly struggling with the relationship between myself and my parents. From the time I was 19 to now, our relationship has continually gone downhill. I believe this has to do with differing life choices, values and lack of respect for our different views. At times I would like to resolve the issues, but the majority of the time, I’m fine not having a relationship with them. What would be your advice on how this should be handled? Should I try to get counseling with my parents and I? Should I just accept it’s an unhealthy relationship and move on? Avoid and evade them? I acknowledge that I’m as much of the problem as they are ... and that I’m holding on to some hard feelings. So what could or should I do?

Answer:

Most relationships are worth trying to salvage and improve, especially with your family members. It's hard to avoid your relatives and if you are going to have to interact with them, you will want these hard feelings repaired. So here are some things you could try:

Work on Forgiving all involved (them and yourself) for all your past wrongs to make this easier — work on these 5 perspective shifts.

1. Understand their bad behavior is driven by fear. We are all scared, struggling students in the classroom of life, who are scared of both failure and loss all the time and those fears are the reasons we sometimes feel unsafe and behave badly. When you understand your parents are just scared people and their behavior is about their fear (it isn’t really about you), you might have more compassion and less judgment toward them. Their value system may have taught them to have great fear about your value system. They may not be able to separate loving you from fearing for you, and when they react from this fear, the behavior isn’t very loving or validating. Understand this isn’t personal, it’s just hard for them to access their love when they are so scared.
2. We all have the same value no matter what we do. No one is better or less than anyone else, despite their values and choices. This is a choice you make to view all human beings as having the same value. This perspective helps to make you bulletproof, so nothing anyone else says can diminish you.
3. The universe is your perfect classroom. If you choose to see this conflict as your perfect classroom and here to serve you and them, you won’t have as much fear, stress and charge around it. You won’t feel as threatened and you will show up with more love toward them. Choose to believe you got these parents for a reason, because you could both teach each other important lessons that apparently you both need. Resolving the conflict and learning to love people with different values is part of this lesson. So, embrace the challenge to stretch the limits of your love.
4. Not forgiving them for past wrongs isn’t doing anyone any good. It isn’t hurting them and it’s not helping you. It won’t create justice and it won’t protect you from further pain. It will make you feel better, lighter and happier, though, if you can forgive.
5. Forgiving gets a lot easier when you trust the universe that it knows what it’s doing, and this is a perfect classroom lesson on love for all of you.

Once you have worked on forgiving and shifting your mindset, you may decide to have a loving, mutually validating conversation with them. I taught how to do that in this article. These conversations mean, upfront, you do a lot of listening (not talking) and validating their right to their thoughts, feelings, ideas and opinions (even if you don’t agree with them.) It will require you to remember nothing they say diminishes you unless you decide to let it. If you handle this conversation exactly as we advise and don’t let them trigger you and pull you into fear, this could fix the whole thing.

Get a professional involved to help you have a conversation with them. We do these types of meetings with families all the time, and we have found it works best if we meet with each person separately first, to prepare them for the meeting together. Find some professional who will do this prep work so a family meeting session accomplishes as much as possible. This also makes people more willing to attend this kind of meeting because they have had the chance to tell their side to the professional beforehand.

If family members are unwilling or unable to change 

If they feel threatened or unsafe about any kind of conversation or meeting, or if they are unable to accept any fault on their side, or show any willingness to change or work with you, you are then left with two options:

1. Be in their life, but don’t let them hurt you. This means seeing them accurately as people who are not capable of behaving better, and then not taking what they do or say personally, or let it hurt you. This requires great strength and wisdom. So, you might need some professional help yourself to get here. You will have to become bulletproof and let all offenses bounce off.
2. Avoid and stay away from them. If you can’t be around them without feeling beaten down, hurt, or offended, then avoiding them might be the loving choice. It is loving toward yourself. Remember you are just as important as everyone else is, so making a loving choice to take care of you is not selfish, it’s wise.

You might also want to read this article about when family members have different beliefs and values, and how to handle that. It would be very helpful.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles and Nicole Cunningham are the human behavior experts behind www.12.shapes.com. They host a weekly Relationship Radio show on

This was first published on KSL.COM

Question:

I just read your article on adult children rejecting the parent’s religion and I agree with what you’re saying, however, my heart is still hurting. I understand my pain is all about me and that I need to just love them, but I can’t help resenting my son and his wife for causing me this pain. He is my only son and I resent his wife taking him away from the way he was raised. I find myself resenting them and not wanting to hang out with them. I don’t want to feel this way, but my heart is so sad that there will not be baby blessings, baptisms and temple marriages for my grandchildren. I'm just not sure how to bridge the gap, stop grieving and feeling so emotional about it. Thank you for any thoughts on this.

Answer:

First, we want you to choose a perspective about why we are on this planet. Most people feel we are on the planet to do two things: 1. Learn, grow and become the best version of ourselves we can be and 2. To love and serve others and try to make a difference in their lives. We find these two ideas are consistent with most religions and life philosophies.

If you think these two ideas feel like truth to you, you might consider seeing life as a classroom. This philosophy means that everything that shows up in your life is there for one primary reason — to help you learn to love at a higher level.

We believe this experience might be in your life for that very reason. It has the potential to stretch you out of your comfort zone and teach you to love, forgive and accept people when it’s harder to do. It’s easy to love and accept people that are the same as us, it’s much more challenging to love those who are different. It’s especially difficult if their choices trigger fear of loss in you.

We want to make sure you really understand what a “fear of loss experience” is, as we define it. We believe there are two simple core fears which cause most of our suffering.

The first is the fear of failure and you experience this whenever you feel you aren’t good enough, or get insulted or criticized. This fear causes suffering, insecurity, stress and sadness as it makes us feel inadequate. This fear is easier to understand since you experience it to some degree every day.

Fear of failure experiences give you wonderful opportunities for growth. They can help you practice not caring what others think of you, getting your self-esteem from your intrinsic value instead of your appearance, or trusting that all human beings have the same value.

Fear of loss is also a wonderful classroom opportunity for growth. Loss is triggered whenever this moment or event (that you didn’t want to happen) is taking away from the quality of your life. If you get stuck in traffic, on the way to a big meeting, and you hate to be late — you are having a loss experience.

You can feel loss whenever people mistreat you or take from you, but you can also experience loss when life itself doesn’t turn out the way you wanted it to. You can feel robbed by life when you don’t get blessings or experiences other people get. Whenever you find yourself in self-pity around what you have been dealt, you are having a loss experience.

This is the most important part of this article we want to make sure you get this point – Life isn’t fair and no one gets the journey they wanted. They get the journey that fosters their growth best.

If we always got what we wanted, we wouldn’t grow, and that’s the point of the whole thing. One of the best things you can do for your mental health is to throw all your expectations about how your life should look out the window now.

Life is not going to meet your expectations. It’s going to be messy, ugly, painful and even embarrassing at times. It’s going to include some wins and some losses and sometimes it’s going to pull the rug out from under you completely. If you haven’t had those experiences yet, they are probably still coming.


We are not telling you this to scare you, because life is also going to be rich, wonderful, sweet, beautiful, amazing and thrilling too. The point is it’s going to surprise you and if you stay attached to your expectations, about how it should look at each stage, this is only going to create misery.

Instead, we recommend that you choose to trust the journey, the universe, or your higher power that it knows what it’s doing. Whatever interesting twist or turn your life has taken, that you didn’t see coming or didn’t want, it has a purpose for being here, and that purpose is always to serve you.

Having your son leave your religion is definitely not what you wanted, but it’s not as bad as a lot of other challenges you could be having. Talk to some people who have a child with cancer, or a child that died, or people who have a host of other awful challenges that life can throw at people. The truth is that you still have much more to be grateful for than you have loss.

Here are some things you can do to feel better about your situation:

1. Be grateful. Every day make a list of things you are grateful for in your life. This list will always be longer than the list of what isn’t right. Focus on your blessings every time you feel loss pain.
2. Find people to serve, who have it worse. Or even make a list of all the losses you could be having that would be worse than this one. Get rid of your self-pity around your situation and understand it does you no good.
3. See the universe as a wise teacher and trust it knows what it’s doing. Choose to see life as a perfect classroom that is providing the exact lessons you, your son and his family need to learn the lessons they need to learn.
4. Let go of the picture of what you thought life should look like. That was a fantasy and when you stay attached to it, think about it and wish for it, you create suffering. Choose to trust life instead.
5. Focus on how this could make you better, wiser or more loving. This is the most positive thing you can do. Focus on becoming a better you (not on fixing anyone else). This experience could make you more trusting, more unselfish, more faithful, peaceful and unconditionally loving. This is probably the whole reason you are having this experience so it deserves your focus. Every time you want to change your son, work on changing yourself instead.
6. Let go of the idea that you are right and they are wrong. Understand that from another person’s perspective your right is wrong. It’s all perspective and you must honor every person’s right to believe what they believe, and have the same value as you.
7. Love unconditionally. This means sincerely loving, giving and serving without any comments about your disappointment, feelings of sadness, or fear. For this to be sincere though, you really need to stop being afraid or sad. You must hand your fear over to your higher power and trust (that in perfect love and wisdom) everything will be fine. When you do this you actually release your son from needing to please you.
8. Release your son from needing to meet your expectations. This means you must need nothing from him and only be there to give love to him and his family. You don’t need them to please you or live a certain way for you, because you know you are safe, whole and cared for all the time. You are lacking nothing. If everything that shows up in your life is there to serve and bless you, then you are not deprived in any way. There is no loss if all is perfect.

Just play with this idea and see if it changes how much pain you feel. We find it completely changes loss experiences for us. We realize this idea (that you always get your perfect journey) is not something we can prove is true, but you also can’t prove it’s not true. This means you can, and actually have to, choose a perspective.

You can see yourself as at risk of having your life ruined, being taken from, robbed or deprived if you want to, but it will only create suffering. Or you can play with seeing yourself as whole, blessed and well. You could actually believe you can’t be deprived because the whole universe is conspiring to bless and educate you all the time. If it is always for your benefit, it’s not a loss. From this place of wholeness, it is a lot easier to love others unconditionally and let go of the pain.

Play with it and see how you feel.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular life coach, speaker and people skills expert.

This was first published on KSL.COM

Question:

I am about to get married for the second time and my fiancé and I both have children from our first marriages. I heard the odds of these second marriages are dismal and I’m wondering what advice you have for us, that might make it more likely to work out.

Answer:

You are right, the odds are against you. The divorce rate for remarriage is 40 percent. 

We believe in first marriages children are a more stabilizing factor, which can actually bind the couple together, where in second or third marriages, they can destabilize the relationship and in some cases purposefully undermine it. If the family has no education about the challenges of blending and enters these marriages unprepared for the difficulties, it is even more likely that children can disrupt the couple’s relationship.

Most people think they will automatically be more successful the second time around, because of what they learned from the failure of their previous marriages. Unfortunately, this doesn’t appear to be true. Most people make the same mistakes again and again, especially if they don’t get some coaching, training, education, skills or tools that they didn’t have before to help them do their new relationships differently.

Diane Sollee, a family therapist and director of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education says, "It seems that people would be older and wiser, or learn from the mistakes of a failed first marriage. … But that's like saying if you lose a football game, you'll win the next one. You might, but only if you learn some new plays before you go back on the field."

Experts agree the one way to beat the odds is to get educated about step-parenting and blending families. Studies have shown that premarital education of some kind can substantially reduce divorce rates. Couples who seek out professional help and education about creating healthy relationships are more satisfied with their relationships and stay together longer.

Unfortunately, most couples don't seek help. So, we are glad you are seeking out information — that is increasing your odds of success already.

Here are our top tips for making blended families work:

1. Set realistic expectations.

A second or third marriage is much more complicated than a first, especially when children are involved. Everyone is coming into this new family with war wounds, baggage and issues from what went wrong the first time, so you are going to have to be even more patient, understanding and prepared for bumps and difficulties.

You must be realistic about the time it takes for children to bond with step-parents and step-siblings. Don’t expect them to feel like family right away. It takes a long time, and each person will get there at their own time. The older the child, the longer this takes, so don’t be surprised if older children take years or even a decade to get used to this new family arrangement.

2. Learn what the most common challenges are ahead of time, and make a plan to deal with them.

Here are some of the most common difficulties:

• Differences in values: One family might be used to a really clean organized home, while the other was more laid back. You need to talk about all the things that are important to each of you and that bother each of you ahead of time, and work out some compromises. Both families will need to be willing to bend and be flexible on some level if you want this to work.

• Differences in parenting styles: Family or house rules need to be determined and set together as a couple, or even with the children’s input, (they are more likely to respect the rules if they have some say in them). Make sure the expectations, rules and consequences are all decided on ahead of time and agreed on. You might consider having the natural parent of each child do the disciplining.

• Unfairness issues: You will need to make sure that children as much as possible are treated the same. It is very common for step-siblings to feel jealous, and this triggers fear of loss that leads to angry or passive aggressive behavior.

• Misunderstandings: We highly recommend that you gain some new communication skills, and make sure you both know the right, mutually validating way to approach family members to talk things through. This is gold, and will assure you can work through any issues that arise.

• Stepkids not liking you: It is normal for children to go through at least a phase of rejecting a new stepparent in their life. Even if you had a good relationship with a child during the dating process, some form of rejection may still show up. If you see this coming, you will be better prepared to ride your way through it.

3. Honor the role of the natural parent.

As a stepparent, you will never be the same as a natural parent. You must respect the natural parent’s role and adjust to a new kind of role yourself. Your stepparent role is more like that of a caring uncle or aunt who can be there to provide support, encouragement and even guidance, but always honor the natural parent's right to be the decision maker and the one to discipline their children.

4. Don’t expect or demand anyone to bond, but expect and demand everyone be respected.

It is not realistic to expect everyone in a blended family to like each other, but you should expect mutual respect. If your stepfamily is going to work, children and parents must respect everyone else in the home. This means listening to their thoughts and feelings and respecting their right to feel the way they do. Respect must happen in every interaction.

5. Understand blending takes time.

It will take longer than you think, probably years longer, and this blending process cannot be rushed. Everyone involved needs time to process their pain, guilt and confusion around this divorce and remarriage. Couples will often pressure children to love their new stepparent right away. This kind of pressure will hinder the process. Give each child the time and space to accept their new stepparent and adjust to the new arrangement on their own time. If you let them set the pace, they will have a more positive experience.

6. Work on yourself. 

Don’t focus on finding a better spouse the second time; focus on being a better spouse this time, and things will go better. Work on being less selfish and more giving than you used to be. Get some personal coaching or counseling and work to repair self-esteem issues, trust issues or emotional issues you are still carrying from your first relationship. Because conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship, better communication skills are critical. Learn how to set your opinions aside up front and ask about how the other person feels first. Listen and validate his or her feelings by honoring their right to think and feel the way they do, even when you don’t agree. Then ask if they would be open to hearing your thoughts, and speak your truth with love while looking for ways to create win-wins.

7. Face all problems as a team.

Try to step back from every conflict and look at it from a united perspective as a couple against a problem or challenge, not against each other. Even if a conflict is about one partner’s behavior, still work it through together as a team trying to make your marriage better. If you commit now to not let any challenge come between you, and communicate with love, you can work through anything.

8. Give your spouse room to learn and grow.

Your spouse has never been a stepparent before, or at least not with your kids. You both need some time to figure the whole thing out. Love is about letting someone be imperfect and in process. It’s about being patient and not expecting them to do everything right and right away.

You can expect children to try to sabotage the relationship, ex-spouses to be difficult and stepsiblings to not get along. These are all par for course, but committed couples can make it work. Just seek out professional help before and throughout the relationship to increase your odds of success.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles and Nicole Cunningham are master coaches and relationship experts who founded www.claritypointcoaching.com and www.12shapes.com. They are the hosts of Relationship Radio on Voice America.

Question:

I want you to address in a column what you do when family members aren't speaking. How do you tactfully handle family holiday parties when they refuse to be in the same place as each other, but you have to invite them both? One has issued an ultimatum that they want us to choose sides, which we feel is not the right thing to do. Is there any way to navigate these bad relationships or fix them? Please give us some advice.

Answer:

Many people suffer from depression and anxiety around the holidays. Some have it because they have no family to be with, others have it because they do have family to be with. Family gatherings can be a real challenge if there is resentment, hurt feelings, and conflict between your guests.

We recommend you send this article to both parties and tell them you love and support them, and just want everyone to suffer less this holiday season. Explain that you have no judgment around this issue and totally understand how hard it is to deal with these conflicts, but you just want to help both sides heal.

I believe we are on this planet for one reason — to learn, grow and become better. Our main objective is to learn to love ourselves and other people at a deeper level. If this is true, forgiving would be the No. 1 most important lesson, and it's a challenging one too because our ego side really likes to hold onto judgment.

It’s easy to love people who are kind and good to us. Loving people who hurt us is the challenge that pushes us and forces us to rise. It shows us the limits of our love and gives us the chance to stretch and grow them.

If you are going to change how you feel about an offense, you will need to learn to look at the situation in a new way. This article is going to help you do that. You may feel like you aren’t ready, but "I'm not ready" is just an excuse we use when we can't articulate the real reason we don't want to forgive.

You must identify the real reason you are holding onto this offense and don't want to forgive it. Here are some possibilities:

• Do you think staying angry protects you from further mistreatment and forgiving would allow more of it?
• Is staying mad (and casting this person as the bad guy in your story) allowing you to avoid looking at your own faults, mistakes or pain? Sometimes it’s less painful to be mad than it is to deal with your part in whatever happened. Do you need to see the other person as the bad one in order to feel good about yourself?
• Are you using anger and hurt as an excuse to keep people away from you, because you actually have issues with dealing with emotions and relationships, and you would rather avoid the whole thing? Is your anger justifying or giving you a reason not to process your emotions or learn better relationship skills, yet blame it on someone else?
• Are you waiting to see more shame and guilt on the other person before you can forgive? Do you feel like they haven’t been punished enough?

Now, here is the truth about each of those:

• Staying mad doesn’t protect you from further mistreatment. Good boundaries enforced with strength and love do. You can forgive and still be safe.
• You are here on this planet to work on fixing YOU, that should be your main focus. You must stop pointing fingers at others and work on growing, learning and becoming better and more loving yourself. That is your job.
• If you have issues around emotions you must stop avoiding them and learn how to process them in a healthy way. You must learn this so YOU can have a happy, rich, fulfilled life. Staying mad at others to avoid your feelings will never create happiness. Learning some improved relationship skills will also make your life better.
• Every day you have to choose if you would rather be right or happy. Your ego wants to be right, but it’s the wrong choice. Choosing happiness is the way to go.
• Forgiving does not require that the other person be punished or repent first. If you wait for that you will only be hurting yourself and your family longer.

Here are a couple of principles that might help you to forgive and let go:

1. Remember none of us are perfect.

This person did something wrong and it sounds like this was an especially painful wrong, but you aren’t perfect either. You may not have made this mistake, but you have made others. You must remember that you are both imperfect, struggling students in the classroom of life, with lots more to learn, who both deserve forgiveness.

You don’t want every mistake you ever made held against you forever. In order to feel forgiven for your past wrongs, you must give others the same.

2. You alone are responsible for the pain you are experiencing.

No situation can cause you pain without your participation in it. Your thoughts and feelings are under your control and this means no one can take away your pain or give you pain. You alone have that power. If you struggle to understand this principle, read my previous KSL article about choosing to be upset.

You must grasp the truth that you are in control of your thoughts and feelings. You can feel better right now if you want to. You don’t have to wait until you feel ready to forgive. You can choose to be ready now.

3. The other person is guilty of bad behavior, but you both have the same infinite and absolute value. 

You both have the same value no matter how many mistakes either of you makes. This is true because life is a classroom, not a test, and our value isn't on the line.

That does not mean we can sit back and stop improving though. It means our lack of knowledge and need for improvement doesn’t affect our intrinsic value. We have the same intrinsic value regardless of the amount of learning we still need to do. You want this principle to be true because you want it to be true for you.

4. Forgiveness happens best when you see yourself and others accurately

Forgiveness will happen when you see yourself and others as innocent, completely forgiven, struggling, scared, messed up, but perfect students in the classroom of life, with lots more to learn. Most of us think forgiving is about seeing people as guilty and then trying to pardon them for those mistakes. If you try to forgive this way it will never happen. You will still be hung up on the fact they are guilty. Forgiveness will never work when it’s a gift undeserved.

Instead, let all the wrongs, pain and hurt on both sides of this be wiped clean of all selfish, fear-based, bad behavior. It is time to let go and accept divine forgiveness for both of you. Let the other person be a “work in progress” and don’t crucify yourself or them for mistakes. Accept the gift of forgiveness and see life as a classroom where mistakes don’t count against our value. We can just all erase them all and try again.

5. Forgiveness is the key to happiness and it is the only way to peace, confidence and security.

This is universal law. The key to forgiveness lies in one very simple choice that you must make over and over every day. What energy do you want to live in? You have two options — you can live in judgment, blame and anger energy? Or forgiveness, peace and joy energy?

Judgment energy means you stand in judgment of others, condemning and crucifying them for past mistakes. If you choose this mindset, you are giving power to the idea that people can be "not good enough" and should be judged harshly, which will come back on you too. You will always struggle with your own self-esteem and this energy will feel heavy, negative and unhappy.

Your other option is a forgiveness energy. Here you choose to forgive yourself and others, and completely let go of every misconceived, stupid, selfish, fear-based mistake either of you has ever made. You choose to see these mistakes for what they really are, bad behavior born of confusion, self-doubt, lack of knowledge, low self-esteem and fear. In this place, you choose to see everyone as innocent and forgiven and let them (and you) start over with a clean slate every day.

If you choose this mindset, you will feel safe, loved, whole and good about yourself and this energy will be light, peaceful and happy.

The question is: How do you want to live?

Consider letting go of the past offense and showing up at the family gathering with nothing but love and compassion in your heart. This doesn’t mean you have to be close to or deal with the other person, but it does mean treating them with respect, compassion and kindness. It means understanding that negative feelings hurt you more than they hurt them. It means choosing to focus on gratitude and being the love in the room, then on the past and casting blame.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com and 12shapes.com - She is the author of the new e-book Fearless Forgiving: The clarity path to peace - you can get this inexpensive e-book on amazon here.

This was first published on KSL.com

Question:
I have been married for over 20 years. During this time, I have tried unsuccessfully to make my wife happy. I have initiated counseling sessions several times only to come out worse for going. I recently had a friend say they think I'm a victim of emotional abuse from my wife. I have tried to see her side of things and understand where my wife is coming from and to even work on myself. But am I using this as an excuse? Do many men get emotionally abused? When do you work on yourself and when do you insist a wife's behavior isn’t ok? 
Answer:
If you want a healthy relationship, you must constantly work on yourself AND you must insist your partner do the same.  If your partner is abusive (which we will determine below) and they are unwilling admit their behavior is wrong, change the attitudes that drive the behavior and get professional help, there may be cause for you to leave.
We say this, because you teach people how to treat you by what you allow. If you are willing to keep living with someone who is emotionally abusive, why should they change?
If they know you are too scared to leave or are a pushover, they have no motivation to change anything, and it takes a great deal of motivation for an abuser to change their ways and give up the power they get from the abuse. 
We also want to reassure you that abuse by women against men is not uncommon at all. Both genders are actually almost equally abused. One report showed that “40% of victims of severe physical violence are men, who are victimized by their intimate partners, and men are also more often the victim of psychological aggression.”  You can read more about this on www.batteredmen.org. 
Also, remember we are in the classroom of life to learn about love. So, allowing someone to mistreat you is denying them an important lesson they have coming. It is not ok to disrespect, insult or be cruel to any human being.  Someone has to teach that to your spouse and the universe has selected you.
We want to clarify what behaviors constitute abuse though, because some of you are so used to abusive behavior, you actually think it’s normal and therefore ok. Everyone has disagreements with their spouse, but some kinds of fighting behaviors are not acceptable, ever. We believe there are three types of bad behavior that show up in relationships and we want you to recognize them so you know what is okay and what is not.
Here are the three categories of bad relationship behavior:

1. Garden variety bad behavior caused by fear and stress.  When people are stressed, hungry, tired, or overwhelmed, they get grouchy and selfish. If on occasion, your spouse has one of these bad behavior moments (and it doesn’t happen often) you should just forgive them, understand it wasn’t really about you (it’s their fears about themselves) and let it roll off. No one is perfect and everyone will snap, lose their temper or say something selfish  on occasion. When your partner offends you with this kind of behavior, forgive them and let it go, because you want your small “mess-ups” to be forgiven, too. If you have a lot of this in your home though, some fear-focused Life Coaching would make a huge difference. 
   
   
2. Offensive behavior that should be brought up, worked on and not ignored.  This kind of treatment includes: unintentionally being inconsiderate or unkind, criticizing you on a rare occasion, talking down to you, or doing something that is selfish or thoughtless. If these behaviors show up often (every week) you should definitely have some conversations about it and ask for different behavior in the future. You would also benefit from some professional help or coaching and you should ask your partner to participate in it too. (If your partner won’t work on these behaviors, you don’t see any noticeable improvements, and/or your partner refuses professional help, you may move the behavior to category three.)
   
   
3. Abusive behavior that is not acceptable. (This includes inappropriate behavior from category two that isn’t changing, has become too frequent, or has escalated to any of the things mentioned below.) Also keep in mind that these behaviors toward a child are also unacceptable. If your spouse treats your children this way, you must do something to protect them and get professional help involved.

These types of behavior are unacceptable:

• Calling you insulting names or labels
• Yelling and screaming
• Repeatedly putting you down
• Comparing you with others to show how inadequate you are
• Intentionally hurting your feelings
• Socially isolating you
• Belittling you on a regular basis
• Ignoring you
• Disapproving and contemptuous looks
• Blaming you for their problems
• Controlling you or punishing you for small offenses (not getting dishes washed or something cleaned well enough)
• Threatening to leave and take your children away
• Threatening to kill themselves
• Falsely obtaining a restraining order against you
• Lying to you
• Intimidating or threatening you
• Breaking things
• Correcting everything you say
• Always taking the opposite view from yours
• Cutting you off from your family and friends
• The silent treatment for hours or days
• Forcing you to own responsibility for every problem
• Checking up on you and being overly suspicious
• Nitpicking and lengthy interrogations or lectures
• Refusing to honor your requests for time and space
• Withholding affection
• Demanding sex
• Temper tantrums to get what they want
• Discounting your perceptions and feelings
• Constantly denying anything is wrong
• Verbal abuse that attacks your nature and abilities, so you begin to believe there is something wrong with you.
• Out of control or irrational behavior and physical violence of any kind whatsoever — these should not be tolerated.

If you are experiencing this kind of behavior regularly, please don’t accept it as normal and let it continue. You can also take an Emotional Abuse test at this link.
If you are seeing signs of abuse, you should seek professional help and do something about it right now, especially if there are children in your home. We often hear people in abusive relationships say they are “staying for their children” and don’t want to break up the family. You must understand that even watching this kind of abuse can damage your children. Safe Horizons (a website for victims of abuse) says that without help, children who witness abuse are more vulnerable to being abused themselves as adults or teens, or they are likely to become abusers themselves. 

You and your children deserve to feel safe and respected in your home. You should also be able to have mature, rational, mutually validating conversations about problems that arise with your spouse. If your partner can't do that and is tearing down your self-esteem on a regular basis (so you feel miserable and worthless) and you experience fear whenever they are home, you are probably a victim of abuse.
Your rationalizing this behavior as normal makes sense, if it is all you have ever experienced, but it is not normal or acceptable. If you love yourself, your children and your spouse at all, you owe it to them all to seek help. It is time for your spouse and children to learn that all people deserve to be treated with kindness and respect
If you don’t have a religious leader, counselor, or coach to go to for help, start with the Utah Domestic Violence Coalition, they can point you in the right direction.

We know that change and seeking help sounds scary because ‘the known’ even though it’s bad, feels safer than the ‘unknown’. But you will all grow and learn so much it will be a win in the end. There will be some hard moments, but you are stronger than you think you are, and you deserve better.

You can do this. 

This was first published on KSL.COM

SALT LAKE CITY — In this edition of LIFEadvice, coaches Kim Giles and Nicole Cunningham share tips and tricks for getting more help around the house.

Question:

I’m getting more and more resentful as the years go by with all the work I do to keep the house and family running. I feel unappreciated about it and I’m just getting tired of these tasks. My family is not much help either. Unless I nag and yell, no one lifts a finger to help out. Do you have any advice for my overwhelming and lack of motivation?

Answer:

Many parents experience resentment and are overwhelmed about the work it takes to keep the home clean and running smoothly. But choosing a martyr story and feeling anger or resentment about it will push other family members away and make them even less interested in helping.

In order to change things at your house, you must first take responsibility for your emotions and for creating a situation where no one helps you. You are at least partly to blame because you have either not asked for help or you are not handling it the right way.

You may have too many expectations or timelines (like wanting it done now or you’ll do it yourself) or you may communicate poorly what you need and how you want it done. If you are someone who complains about the quality of the job they do, you may have created a place where they can’t please you — so they’ve given up.
Ask yourself:

• What environment have you created in your family when it comes to household tasks and chores?
• Are you too attached to the tasks being done right or perfectly?
• Would you rather do it yourself as it’s quicker and easier than taking the time to teach the children?
• Do you get a benefit from your martyr story?

Here are some simple ways to drop the martyr story and include your children in the maintaining of the home:

1. Detach from perfectionismUnfortunately, many parents are attached to tasks done correctly and they have a hard time embracing the learning process and rewarding attempts made by their children to help. These parents experience fear of loss, that they are going to lose quality of life by forgoing the standards they desire.

A practical way to adjust your perfectionism is to show your family you appreciate their efforts even if they aren’t up to your standards. The most common mistake we see from parents is going in to straighten things up after their children’s attempt to help. This tells your child their efforts weren’t good enough and this results in them being less willing to do the job again (at least not with the same enthusiasm).

Instead, reward their efforts. Language such as, “Tim, I love how you straightened your bed cover like that.” Instead of, “Tim, you did a good job, but your forgot to tuck in the bottom sheet and you still have a pair of shoes that needs to go into the closet.” Your intentions are good in teaching them quality, but all your child hears is “I have failed, my best is never good enough and why do I even bother.”

The kids in our Tuesday night teen class say feeling like a failure is the primary reason they are not willing to help out around the house. You may think it’s because they’re lazy, but they say parents will be mad at them either way, so why try.

2. See every experience with your children as your perfect classroomParents often feel fear of loss when they come home to find the children have made a mess in their house. You may have exaggerated angry reactions because you feel robbed or taken from. You feel robbed of the time and energy it will take to put things right. Instead of being triggered by fear, this is a beautiful opportunity to look at your need to be in control and why you have to have things perfectly clean.
Many parents are too invested in the opinions of other people and what their clean house says about their value. You may need to remind yourself your value is not tied to your house, and a happy family is more important than a house that looks like a museum. Whatever happens today in your home is your classroom and a chance to practice being the loving, mature, strong, kind, wise adult you really want to be. Every mess is a chance to practice seeing your value as infinite and not tied to any situation.

3. Be realisticYou must have realistic expectations before asking your children to clean anything. You may want to clean it with them a few times first, so they are clear of your expectations. It also helps to be specific — “Tim, I would like you to clean your room, don't forget to make the bed and put all of your shoes in the closet.”
​
Set them up for success by allowing a realistic time frame instead of placing high demands when there is little time or energy to achieve them. Setting your children up to succeed in their efforts maintains the enthusiasm and willingness to help you.

Children as young as 8 to 13 can learn most skills through watching you. Simple tasks such as taking the trash out, feeding the dog, collecting the mail and making their beds every day.
Children younger than this can participate by cleaning up their toys or drawing materials, and learning to dress themselves and buckle themselves in their car seats.
Teenagers and young adults can participate by maintaining the yard, washing cars, cooking meals and completing weekly laundry. Household tasks with weekly repetition provide great learning opportunities for your children.

Many parents at our weekly free parenting classes are uncomfortable with the idea of their children doing tasks wrong or not doing them. If your expectations are realistic though, you can allow children to make mistakes, to not follow through on their jobs, or not do the best job the first time and use these as positive learning opportunities.

Instead of just yelling and demanding, take the time to talk through why they made the choice they did and what do they think about the job they did. When you take the time for this kind of learning you will make your child feel respected and you will give your children the skills to be a functional adult someday, which is definitely worth the time and effort.

By taking the time to allocate household tasks that are age appropriate and showing your children how to do them, you give them a sense of achievement while also relieving your burden.

Sit down and discuss the chores with the whole family so each person realizes what the tasks are and that this is an equal work zone. Explain your expectations and that everyone must pull their weight so no one has more responsibility or tasks than the others.

As time goes on you can also invite flexibility and freedom and let the children rotate on specific tasks or swap with other family members. We heard about one son paying his sister to do his laundry, this is actually a great “real life” experience. You can do it yourself or pay someone to do it.
Another great idea is to tell kids they can either do their chores or they can hire the “Mom’s Cleaning Service” to do them. If the chores aren’t done by this specific date, then you will do them, but it will cost them. This cost comes out of their allowance. If they do their chores, they get the money, but if not you keep the money. You must be fine with it either way, so they get the freedom to choose. (This works really well with children who like control and choices.)

You can approach parenting without a martyr complex and become a calm, wise leader and get the whole family involved, if you just take the time to make this happen.

You can do this.
​

This was first published on KSL.COM

Question:I admit I have high standards and expect my kids to excel and get really good grades, but I would feel like a bad parent if I didn’t. My husband and I are both over achievers who have post-graduate degrees, and we have been successful in business. Of course we want the same kind of life for our kids. A friend recently asked me if I think I put too much pressure on them and I guess I’m not sure. I think maybe there is a fine line between too much pressure and not enough, at least in my opinion. I also expect my kids to be pretty independent and responsible, but this friend made me feel like she thinks I’m there for my kids enough. I would be open to an outside opinion on what’s too much pressure, I really want to be a good parent and raise them right. Your articles have been helpful in the past so I thought I would ask.
Answer:The thing you must be aware of is more and more kids from affluent families, who have supportive parents, are suffering from depression, anxiety, low self-esteem and substance abuse, and these kids are the most at risk for suicide.
An article in The Atlantic magazine about the suicide rate in Palo Alto, California, showed how often kids from wealthy families end up stressed, miserable and suicidal. The author, Hanna Rosin, said the major factor for these kids is pressure from parents that leaves them tired, discouraged and feeling alone.
There is an interesting book called "The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids," which might interest you. Author Madeline Levine says there is a toxic combination that happens when there is too much pressure to succeed and not enough connection with their parents. Those two together create the risk.
She says parents are too often over-involved in some things while being under-involved in others. For example, they care a lot about grades but don't take time to listen and connect.
Here are some warning signs that your child may be at risk:

• Feeling tired all the time
• Trouble sleeping
• Never at home
• Eating disorders or changes in diet
• Lack of motivation
• Lying
• Cheating
• Drugs, alcohol abuse
• Hanging out with under-achieving friends

Now add those signs to these signs that you might be a parent who puts too much pressure on your children:

• You are a high-stress person, a perfectionist or extremely picky.
• You are highly organized and need things clean and in the right places at all times or you feel unsafe and stressed out.
• You are overly attached to specific outcomes like them making the varsity team as a junior, or winning a scholarship to a specific school.
• You get overly upset or have emotional reactions to bad grades, lost games or bad performances.
• You take every situation too seriously. The high school game, one bad grade, not making the team, these are not life or death situations. If they feel life or death to you, your expectations may be too high.
• You fight with your spouse about your expectations and standards, and no one can make you happy.
• Your feedback is more critical than positive.
• You insist on being involved in every decision and micromanage every activity.
• You over-schedule kids with too many activities.
• You compare this child’s performance, grades, abilities or achievements with another child’s.

If you see some of both of these lists in your family, you need to rethink your behavior and/or upskill and learn some better ways to parent. There are many free resources for parents on my website, and we offer free weekly classes for parents/adults and teens too.
You must be realistic about the world you live in today; 5,400 teens take their life every year, and untreated or unrecognized depression is the No. 1 cause.
Seventy percent of teens today suffer from at least one episode of depression before adulthood. Academic stress, family financial struggles, romantic problems, peer pressure, divorce and traumatic life events are usually the catalyst, but a lack of good mental and emotional coping skills then turns into depression or anxiety.
Psychotherapist Karen Ruskin, Ph.D, says parents need to be supportive, not pushy. She says "the key is to be your child's biggest fan and nurturer” and make sure their mental and emotional health are your main concern. Many parents struggle to teach kids how to process emotions, because they don’t know how. You can’t teach what you don’t know.
Parents must upskill themselves first and become more mentally and emotionally resilient. Then, make it a high priority to teach children how to handle life and maintain confidence and self-esteem.
Here are a couple of other important things you must do:
1. Allow failuresThis means not overreacting from fear when they happen, and making sure a child knows their value as a person is not tied to their performance, grades, sporting events or anything else. Teach kids their intrinsic value is the same as every other person on the planet and nothing can change it. They cannot be less than anyone else and they can’t be better either.
When failure happen say, “Well the good news is that doesn’t change your value at all. How do you feel about it? Is there anything to be learned for next time? Is there anything I could do to help?” When you have failures, you must also model a healthy way of handling them.
2. Teach life is a classroom, not a testThis goes along with No. 1 — make sure they see every experience as an interesting lesson that showed up to help them grow, but doesn’t affect their value at all.
3. Teach and model good self careIt is your job to make sure you feel good and are creating a life you want to live in. Parents who model this behavior give kids permission to make life enjoyable and recognize when they are emotionally drained and what they need to do to get back up, Make sure you don’t call yourself stupid, live in constant stress and panic, and are unhappy most of the time. These behaviors teach kids all the wrong lessons. If you need help getting your own life and thinking on track, get some.
4. Teach kids to follow their own inner truth about what is right for themTeach them to make their own decisions by letting them. They sometimes need guidance and to learn how to stick to things that are hard, but teach them that they alone are entitled to choose what activities, sports and hobbies are right for them and honor their feelings.
5. Spend quality time asking questions and listeningThis is probably the most important thing you can do. Make sure they feel heard and understood and that you honor and respect their right to their own ideas and opinions. Respect and caring is a two-way street, and you must give it if you want it back.
You must remember the most important thing your child needs to make it in the world isn’t an ivy league education or perfect grades, it’s a good sense of self-worth.
Children who see themselves as capable, strong, smart and valuable rise to the top as adults wherever they go. Make sure instilling confidence and teaching healthy ways to process emotions is your first priority.
Give them lots of opportunities to solve their own problems (with you just asking smart questions to guide them), make decisions and experience the consequences from their choices. Saving them from loss or disappointment won’t prepare them for the real world. Be OK with some failures now, while they cost less.
If you need help to calm down your own perfectionism fears and high expectations, reach out to a good counselor or coach who specializes in overcoming fear. A little professional guidance can change things fast.
You can do this.

​Many of us didn’t learn mature communication skills or how to process emotions with clarity from our families, and they don’t teach these skills in school or at church. Many people never have the opportunity to learn a better way or how to think positively unless they seek it out on their own. You cannot just sit back and blame your parents though, you must take personal responsibility for your lack of skills and find someone to help you. There are many courses, seminars, coaches and experts who can help improve your communication skills and gain tools to help you handle yourself better. And the truth is - You can’t do better, until you know better.
 
In this article I will show you five common bad “people skills” habits, with some suggestions for changing them. These come from Patrick King’s book People Tactics:
 
#1 Not being fully present in conversations:
 
You may think more about what you want to say next, than you really listen, or you might be thinking about something else altogether and not listening at all. You may give people the impression you don’t care about them or wish you were somewhere else. You are going to have to work on changing this if you want good relationships.  If a conversation is boring you, you must own it’s partly your fault, because you aren’t engaged in making it meaningful by asking questions and getting to know this other human being.

One of the best new people skills you can practice is making every human being you talk to feel valued, by asking about and validating their ideas, opinions and stories. Choose to see every human being as having something important to teach you. Ask more questions, listen and give them all your attention. This will create rich, caring, respectful relationships. Choose to be more curious about other people, ask more questions about them and show they matter. Drop or set aside your concerns and opinions. Really focus on the person in front of you. Don’t just listen, but really hear them, especially the people closest to you. Echo back what they say and honor and respect their right to think or feel different from you. This takes commitment, but you can do it.
 
#2 Your world is black and white:
 
This means you believe your ideas, opinions or feelings are right and anything else is wrong. You also see the world with a strong moral compass, where there is no grey. Patrick King says, “This habit is particularly toxic because people who have this mindset are very judgmental.” They have a tendency to see themselves as better or smarter than others. If people sense this tendency in you, they may avoid conversations with you or avoid you altogether. If this is your spouse or child that isn’t engaging with you anymore – that is a big problem.
 
The way you can change this habit is to first, change the way you see the value of all human beings. You must choose to see all people as having the same value and that value doesn’t change – it is infinite and absolute. Choose to remember that though someone thinks or acts differently from you, they still have the same value. Remind yourself that your perspective is one perspective (it is not truth). Also understand the more opinionated and stubborn you are, the less connected you will be with others.

When you insist on being right and making others wrong, they feel you don’t value them as a person. This happens because most peole have attached their worth to their ideas and opinions. You must remember this and resist the need to be right all the time, so people will feel valued and like you. Choose to tell people you respect their right to their views and way of doing things (even your children). For some people with certain Psychological Inclinations, this black or white viewpoint takes a lot of work to change. If you’d like to know more about Psychological Inclinations check this link out.
 
#3 You are a conversational narcissist and dominate conversations:
 
Do you love to hear the sound of your own voice and like to talk about your opinions too much? Do you realize after a conversation that you didn’t leave room for anyone else?  Usually this need to talk too much comes from a deep fear of not being good enough. This fear drives your need to talk so you feel validated or you are trying to prove how smart or important you are.
 
To fix this bad habit you need to do some work on your own sense of intrinsic value. Choose to see every person as having the same value, and you will soon realize that counts for you too. The more secure you get the less you will need to talk about yourself. Challenge yourself to spend every conversation asking questions and listening instead of talking, because it’s the kind of person you really want to be. Showing up for others and making them feel important, will in the end, make you feel better about yourself than talking does.
 
#4 You give unsolicited advice or opinions:
 
Be honest with yourself. Is this something you do? Do you honestly mean well and want to help others, but accidently come off as a know it all?  You must understand unsolicited advice is an insult.  It makes others feel small, dumb or helpless no matter how well intentioned it is. If this is something you do, make a new rule you never give advice unless you ask permission first.  “Are you open to some advice on that?” This is a great way to make sure you aren’t stepping on anyone’s toes.  If they say no, honor that. Often people bring up a topic because they want to process out loud, more than they want your opinion. They need listening, more than input most of the time. Ask if they want help solving the problem, or just a listening ear? Then honor what they say. If they aren’t open to advice, respect that and let it go. It takes maturity and self-control to be this respectful, but it pays off big in most relationships. This one alone could completely change your relationship with your kids.
 
#5 Assuming you already know what someone feels and thinks:
 
If you haven’t asked questions and listened (today) then you don’t know where they are. One of the biggest insults in conversations is assuming you know what someone feels, thinks, does or did. Even if you were there, you don’t have any idea what went on in someone’s head or heart. To honor and respect other human beings, you must ask questions and listen to them, before you ever take action or say anything. Don’t assume anything.
 
If you want good relationships, you must listen more than you talk.  You must work on controlling your fears, so you don’t let your emotions create dramatic reactions.  I have written many articles on overcoming your fears and there is a great free e-book on processing emotions on my website that might help. You may also want to take our free Clarity Assessment because it will show you (on paper) your subconscious tendencies toward being right, talking too much or not listening to others.
 
If you are not creating the kind of relationships you want, or are getting consistent feedback that your reactions and behavior are out of control, immature or dramatic, own it and do something about it. I don’t know how to change – is no excuse. Life is a classroom and you are here to grow, so you must be actively looking for ways to improve yourself.  Coaching is a great place to start, to gain new skills and have some support to get there.
 
You can do this.

This was first published on KSL.com

Question:
Part of me hates the holidays because the family gatherings end up making me feel horrible about myself and I really don’t need more of that. I already struggle with feeling I’m not good enough so add in my relatives, who are all more successful and have perfect families, with tons of expensive presents and it’s no fun at all. Anything I can do to feel better about myself when around them all?
Answer:
​
During the Holiday season many of us find ourselves feeling more down than up. We all want to be present and spend time with our family, we just don’t want the conflict, confrontation, feelings of jealousy and inferiority that usually accompany these events. Fortunately a simple shift in mindset could help you to get through the holidays without any negative feelings.
 
The first step is to understand where the negative feelings come from. You (and everyone else on the planet) are suffering from a severe case of Fear of Failure (the fear that you aren’t good enough). Everyone does battle with this fear, to some degree, on a daily basis. But the holidays can trigger you more than any other time of the year. When your fear of failure gets triggered, your emotions, thinking and behavior can get negative fast. We all exhibit our worst behavior when we feel inferior.
 
For some of us this fear drives us to over compensate and show off, toot our own horn and try to get attention. For others it encourages them to shrink back, stay quiet and even be invisable if possible. Some people get grouchy and mean, while others are too nice and try to win approval through people pleasing. The types of bad behavior that fear of failure creates are countless, but none of them bring out the authentic you or make you capable of love.
 
Unfortunately, at Christmas there are always questions asked by friends and relatives about how we are doing and what’s new in our lives. Some families also tease and use sarcastic humor, which can make you ridiculed, judged or criticized. If you have had a tough year with many challenges, lessons of loss, or trials, these questions can lead to huge feelings of failure and could make you uncomfortable and defensive. Most of the family conflicts we see at Christmas, are the result of being offended by others, jealousy or being triggered with feeling that you are not enough.  If you are not able to financially give at the level you would like to, or the gifts under the tree are few, this can also trigger huge feelings of not being enough.
 
Comparison to others is the fastest way to lose your confidence and feel bad about yourself. And it’s so easy to do. You need only go to Facebook and see what clothes other people are wearing, where they are on holiday, their new car, parties, friends and their amazing job, and it’s easy to feel deflated and believe your life is not measuring up.
 
Here are ____ ways to stop the comparison:

1. Remember why you are here. This is not a shopping or sight-seeing trip. This is not a contest and ‘he with the most toys wins’. This is not a beauty pageant or a best parenting race, and it is definitely not a test. You are here on this planet for one reason – to learn and grow in character and capability. The purpose of this journey is growth and education and nothing more. If you want an amazing family party experience this year, ask this magic question to everyone there, “Tell me what you learned this year? What did life teach you this year?”
2. Trust the classroom. If the purpose for being here is to learn, you must choose to see the universe as your wise teacher and trust it knows what it’s doing. Each of us have a very different journey based on the lessons and experiences we need to make us a greater source of love in the world. Some of us have perceived easier or harder classes than others, but the truth is your journey is perfect for you. It is exactly as it needs to be. You are never failing or off track. You are right where you need to be, having the perfect lessons you needed, to make you more loving, wise, compassionate and connected to other people. Stop experiencing loss or disappointment about your journey and choose a great trust in God and the universe. Ask everyone at your parties what they learned this year and reflect on the great lessons your classroom taught you. This will bring peace. 
3. Change the way you determine your value. To instantly feel better about yourself and eliminate the fear of failure in any moment, just choose to believe that all human beings have the exact same intrinsic value that doesn’t and cannot change. This works because your fear of failure comes from the fact you believe human value is changeable and goes up and down (based on your appearance, performance, property and what others think of you). This is why you subconsciously believe people with more presents under the tree, who are thinner, who go on more trips, or have more friends, are better than you. This is only a perspective, it is not truth. You can choose to see all human beings as having the same infinite, absolute, unchanging value if you want to. This would mean every family member has the same value. Our life lessons or experiences may be very different, but that doesn’t affect our value. Your value is not tied to the clothes you wear, the car you drive, your success at work, or the amount of money in your bank account. Your value is infinite, absolute and unchangeable, because it is based on the fact you are unique, one of a kind human soul, which makes you priceless. 
4. Remember why we are different. God made us all different, in different races, cultures, religions, political parties, sexual orientations, colors and sizes for one reason… it makes us stretch our ability to love. So, when you are around friend and family who are different from you (richer, poorer, more emotional, more controlling, more loud, more quiet, more accomplished, more balanced, or who have the perfect family) you must see them as a teacher in your journey, to stretch your ability to love. Instead of being critical, annoyed, gossiping or judging them. Instead ask the magic question and discover what they could teach you. 
5. Choose how you feel in every moment. This power to choose how you feel gives you control over how you feel and show up in every moment. Making the decision to see human value and the purpose of the journey accurately, is a decision that all of us can make in every moment. This holiday season decide how you want to feel. Show up for yourself and others as the greatest source of love you can be. Pause before you go into a Christmas event and remind yourself - I am enough, my value cannot be diminished by myself or others, we are all on our perfect journey and what we are all learning is what should be celebrated. Take a deep breath and decide to be the love in the room, to ask the magic question and make them feel important. When you focus on pouring your love into others, you will have peace about yourself and a much better time. 

 
There is a worksheet on my website that will help you maintain a healthy, positive, holiday mindset. You can download it here. Read it a few times daily all through the month.
 
You can do this.

First published on ksl.com

Question:

Please help us with our 17-year-old son. Despite all our best efforts and role modeling, we have raised an entitled child that expects things in life he hasn’t earned. He has been jumping from job to job, because he feels they are too boring or the pay is too low. He instead spends his time hanging with friends, sleeping too much, or arguing with us that we aren’t there for him, although we pay for everything and he even has access to a car. Honestly the entitlement attitude is wearing thin, but we don’t know how to fix it. We can see that we made life too easy on him, because when things don’t go his way he sulks and acts like he hates us, or blows up in anger over small things. How can we get him to accept some responsibility for his life now, without pushing him away?

Answer:

We are seeing this more and more with the teens we work with. These aren’t bad kids, they just didn’t learn how to be responsible hardworking contributors as children, despite their parents best efforts to teach it. They are also displaying repressed anger and confusion about who they are, where they are going and how to get there.

It is going to take getting tough and enforcing some real consequences, and doing it consistently, to instill better work ethic and cure the entitlement in your son now. The attention-seeking, excuse-making behavior happens because teenagers seek negative attention over no attention at all, and often they don’t know a better way to ask for the love and attention they need.

It is a time of great change and confusion for teens, and often their entitled behavior comes from fear they don’t know how to get what they need on their own. If you can look beyond the sense of entitlement, you will see a child who is desperately lost and scared. He has huge fear of failure (the fear he isn’t good enough) and this is creating the selfish, egotistical behavior. You will have to be very encouraging, validating and firm with your consequences to fix this.

Introducing new rules that encourage better behavior is essential, but it must also include having lots of mutually validating conversations, where your teen feels heard, validated and encouraged. This ensures you are addressing the underlying fear issues while maintaining a loving connection. The best way to have this conversation is gently, with love, and frequently. There is a communication worksheet on my website to help you do this. Constantly reassure them you are there for them and you believe in them.

Set aside some time every week to do something (one on one) with your teen. Getting food together is usually your best bet. Then, work at listening and asking questions more than you talk. This is difficult for most parents and will take time and practice to master. You may consider some life coaching for yourself, so you get the tools and skills you need to really connect with and help your child.

Here are some ways you can teach work ethic and eliminate a sense of entitlement in your teen:

1. Start teaching work ethic early. If you missed your chance to teach these things when they were young (which would have been ideal), today is the earliest time you have. So start today. It is never too late to have a positive influence on your child.
2. Demonstrate work ethic yourself. If you don’t live what you teach, they will listen to your actions more than your words. Work along side them whenever possible. Make sure you are modeling responsible behavior and don’t complain about work either, share the satisfaction you feel from a job well done.
3. Communicate often and include them in the planning of rules and consequences. Open, honest conversation builds a connection that will keep you in a place of influence with your child. Together assign chores with incentives if done, and consequences if not done. Figure out what their currency is (what do they care about?) is it the car privilege, phone privileges, what would hurt them if they lost it? Lovingly and consistently enforce consequences if chores, school or other responsibilities aren’t done. Make them responsible for cooking meals a few times a week, taking the trash out, or keeping the car they drive clean. These simple chores teach them to respect the property and efforts of others and prepare them to one day live on their own and be able to handle it.
4. Make driving a car a privilege. Do not promise to buy your teenager a car, instead commit to paying half of whatever they raise, working and saving on their own or make it completely their responsibility to get their own car. In previous generations, we had to walk, ride our bikes and use public transport. Such services are still available today, but many of our youths believe this is below them. If they must ride the bus, very quickly they will begin to adjust their entitlement attitude about a vehicle, and even show gratitude when they use your car as well.
5. Instigate rules and boundaries about mobile phones. If you are paying your child’s phone bill, this may be something to rethink. This again is a privilege, it costs money. Make them pay their own phone bill or insist on a prepaid phone where they must continue to recharge the credit. If you are going to turn off their phone (if chores aren’t done) make sure you have outlined that ahead of time. Don’t decide to take away privileges without explaining that consequence ahead of time.
6. If your child still lives with you, instigate some low-cost board arrangement. This doesn’t have to be a large sum of money, but just enough that they show gratitude and do not treat your home like a hotel. As small as $50 per month may adjust the entitlement attitude and make them realize living in a nice place costs money.
7. Encourage them to volunteer or do something that benefits others. This is a powerful way to encourage gratitude. Go with them and show them how you get filled up doing service.
8. Encourage them and tell them you believe in them. They are more scared than you realize and need validation and reassurance often.
9. Remember you teach people how to treat you, even your children. Be mindful about the attitude and behavior you accept from your teen. Don’t accept less than you deserve. Set boundaries and let them know you would love to talk to them, when they can do it with respect. Again, you must model this behavior yourself, not let your emotions get out of control.

Maybe you have let a lot of things go in the past, because you didn’t have the energy to wrestle verbally and emotionally with your teen. Maybe you feel like you have failed your child already. This is NOT the case. A more grateful attitude and work ethic can still be instilled, but it’s your job to be the parent, not to be the friend. It’s your responsibility to make them functional members of society.

If you are struggling with this, get some professional help yourself and quick. You may benefit from some parent coaching while you get another coach to work with your teen. Either way, some consistent tough love and consequences are in order, and we promise the sooner you do it, the sooner you will get a son who cares about his future, wants to be successful, and cares about others. Professional help makes a huge difference.

It’s a critical right time now, and you still hold more power than you realize. Use consistent rules and consequences to reshape his attitude. You will be doing him and the rest of the world a big favor by doing this.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the CEO of claritypointcoaching.com and a master executive coach. Nicole Cunningham is a master coach who specializes in working with teens.