Question:

Starting school this year has been rough for my son. He has terrible anxiety and stresses over everything. We can’t seem to convince him, no matter what we say, that his fears are unfounded and he is OK. He is having some panic attacks too, and I’m starting to wonder if he needs medication, but I really really don’t want to go there. Do you have any suggestions for helping him have less anxiety?

Answer:

There are some things you can try before resorting to medication. I’m going to give you suggestions that could help change your child’s fear-based thinking on both the conscious and subconscious levels.

1. Don’t add shame to the fear. Let him know that it’s OK and even normal to feel afraid on occasion. Almost everyone feels some fear or panic when starting something new or meeting new people. Avoid making him feel that something is wrong with him for feeling this way. Say things like “I totally understand why you would feel this way and it’s perfectly normal." Anxiety gets even worse when they become anxious about being anxious. You can really help by not acting too worried.
2. Studies have shown that when people around you believe in you, and believe you can overcome something, it’s a lot easier and more likely to happen. Tell your son often he’s got this, and he’s strong, capable and smart. Tell him everyone has to learn how to deal with fear. He hadn't learned how before, but now he can and you believe in him. This will help him believe in himself.
3. Explain what anxiety and panic attacks are about. They are the body's automatic response to fear, and they happen because your body thinks you are in danger. Everyone’s body does this on occasion. Sometimes the body gets tricked though and it thinks you’re in danger when you really aren’t. Explain his brain is trying to protect him with these “what if” games and scary thoughts, but brains sometimes imagine things that aren’t real. Help him learn to ask “Is this scary thing real or an imagined scary thing my brain made up?” Identifying worries as imagined will help discredit them.
4. In a panic attack or anxiety moment, help your child come to his senses. Have him close his eyes and tell you what he feels, what he hears right now, what he smells right now. Having him use his senses will get his brain focused on what’s real — right now. Also have him pay attention to his breathing and ask if it’s fast or slow, deep or shallow? Is he feeling high energy or low energy? Explain that fast shallow breathing is just the body's way to help you fight physical danger, but slow deep breaths make you feel safer.
5. Get the pent-up, high, anxious energy out. Hand the child a box of tissues and have him grab and throw them hard and fast across the room (or as far as they’ll go) one by one. This won’t break anything and it helps that pent-up energy get released.
6. Teach kids that panic attacks and anxiety pass. They are temporary and you can make it through them in a few minutes (usually 10-15 minutes at the most). Don’t make a big deal about a panic attack. Don't talk about it too much afterwards or tell other people about it, after your child has one. This would make the attacks more significant and add shame to the mix. You want your child to see himself and his anxiety as normal and no big deal. If you see them as a small issue, he will too.
7. If the fear is real, talk about how he could handle specific situations if they come up. Run through some real scenarios and help him think of options in response. If "that" happens, what could he do? Preparing a response in advance will help him feel less scared.
8. Figure out if his fears are about safety and mistreatment, or looking bad and failing. What is the core fear your child is battling? Some kids have a psychological inclination towards a need for control and they feel unsafe or anxious if they don’t have it. Some kids have a huge need for validation because their anxiety is about not being good enough. Others fear rejection or abandonment. Once you understand which fears are at the heart of your child's problems, you will understand what he needs. There is worksheet on my website that explains which fears show up in different personality or psychological types of kids.
9. Teach kids their value can't change. If you child fears failure and not being good enough, you can hep him change the way he sees the value of all human beings at the fundamental principle level, This will also change the way he sees his own value. Teach your child all human beings have the same exact worth and that value cannot change. Help him remember that win or lose, good grades or bad grades, he still has the same value as everyone else. Help him to stop judging others too and he will stop judging himself.
10. Teach your child the world is a safe place. It is in childhood that many of our subconscious beliefs are developed. It is crucial that you teach children to see their world as a safe place while they are young. If they see life as a dangerous place, a fear of loss will haunt them their whole life. Help them understand that although some bad things can happen, they will only happen if they provide important lessons and these lessons will help us grow. Help your children understand that life is not trying to beat them or hurt them; it is only facilitating experiences to help them become better and stronger. This mindset will lay a solid foundation of strength and help your children handle life with confidence. (You may need to change or work on your own beliefs about life before you can teach it. Children learn more from how you live than what you say. You must learn to see life and the universe as a safe place (a divinely created classroom) and overcome your own fears of loss, before you can teach these principles to your children. You may want to seek some professional help on this.)
11. Help your child recognize the difference between fears that help us and fears that hurt us. Fears that help us are fears that motivate us to take action. Fears that hurt us paralyze us and prompt inaction. Being afraid of strangers is a helpful fear because it prompts you to be careful. Being afraid to talk to anyone or meet new people is a hurtful fear. It prompts inaction and prevents you from making friends. Teach him to ask himself, "Will worry or fear about this do anything good?" You can even role play some scary situations and help your child identify if this fear is helpful or not.
12. Teach your child relaxation and self-calming skills. We all need to learn how to calm our fight or flight response. If we learn how to do this as a child, it will serve us our whole life.

If your child's anxiety is still keeping him from enjoying life, I recommend you seek out some professional help and look into natural solutions instead of pharmaceuticals. There are many options out there, but if all else fails get some professional help.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and is a master coach and speaker.

Question:

I read your article last week about parenting and I have a question about it. I can see that I am control focused and I have probably damaged the relationship with my kids because of my high expectations and need for obedience. I think they have lost respect for me too, and think they can never do anything good enough. This has even made them a little passive aggressive, so they tell me what I want to hear to my face, then turn away and do whatever they want. It’s almost like in trying too hard to have control, I now have even less. Is there anything I can do at this point to turn this around?

Answer:

First you must ask yourself if you want control and obedience, or if you are willing to let that go, for self-driven, responsible, wise children who respect you.

It’s super easy, as a parent, to want obedience and control, because these make you feel safer, but in the end I think you will agree that you don’t really want blindly obedient sheep who are easy to control. You want strong, wise, independent children who make good choices for themselves — right?

The reason you subconsciously like control and obedience is that when children misbehave, it triggers both your core fears, failure and loss. Bad behavior makes you afraid you’re failing as a parent (or afraid what others will think of you) and it creates your greatest fear — losing them. So, controlling them seems less scary.

When these fears get triggered in you, your autopilot subconscious reaction (that comes before you have a chance to think) is usually to get angry, emotional, controlling or self-focused. In this place you aren’t even capable of seeing what your child needs in that moment. You are too focused on you. In this place you usually yell, control, punish or push to get whatever you need to quiet your fear.

When you parent like this (from fear) your children will feel it and they know this whole thing is all about you and what you need to make you feel better. This isn’t about them or coming from love.

This is what makes them lose respect for you. Fear is never respect. Fearless strength, wisdom, love and compassion are.

I think you would agree that blind obedience isn’t really what you want. What you really want are happy, wise, well-balanced, mature children who respect you and have a healthy connection with you, which gives you some influence in their lives to help them. So here are some tips to create that:

1) If you want your kids to respect you, you have to be respectable. Respectable means you have control over your subconscious reactions and think before you speak. It means you are mentally and emotionally mature and wise. A respectable parent is a conscious parent, who is showing by example that good decisions pay off and create happiness. You must be someone who practices what you preach and deserves respect. If you struggle with this, I highly recommend some coaching or counseling to work on your fear issues and learn some tools and skills for making your own life better.

2) If you want your kids to respect you, you must be respectful. This means you show them the same level of gracious, kind, mature behavior you would use with peers or adult friends in your life. (But this isn’t about being a lenient friend instead of a parent.) It’s about treating every human being, even the ones in your house, with courtesy and respect, honoring their value as a human being as the same as yours. This means you will ask questions about what they think and feel, and really listen and even care about their opinions. It means you will include them in the process of setting rules and their consequences, because if they have a voice they will respect you and the rules more. If you want respect, you must give it.

3) Watch your attachments and make sure your attachment to “the connection you have with your child” is more important than your attachments to anything else. Most of us have some unhealthy attachments and care too much about tasks, things, ideas, control and approval. These attachments sometimes cause us to put these things before people. On our psychological inclinations chart (on my website) you will see that many of us are overly attached to these things:

Ideas — We only feel safe if our family members fit the expectations or ideas we have about what they should be or do. Anything outside of that ideal feels unsafe. So, you may need conformity so badly you may hurt the people or sacrifice a connection for it. Your children may start to resent your ideals as more important than they are, which means they will further reject it.

Approval — This means your sense of self-worth comes from what others think of you and/or your children. An attachment here will again make children lose respect for you because your neediness and people pleasing come from fear and weakness, not strength or confidence.

Achievement/tasks — This means you attach your value to your performance and you are overly focused on doing everything and doing it perfectly. This may mean you put the projects you do for your family ahead of actually showing up for them emotionally. You may see sitting with them, asking questions and listening, as lazy or less important than cooking, cleaning or working.

4) Remember your children are here to teach you every bit as much as you’re here to teach them. Every problem, power struggle or misbehavior is your perfect lesson or chance to grow. I believe your specific children were sent to you, because your unique challenges are exactly what they need to grow. There are no accidents, and though you aren’t a perfect parent, you are apparently the perfect parent for them. If you mess them up, it will only be in the perfect way they needed to be messed up, so they can spend the rest of their life learning, growing and processing these perfect challenges for them.

5) Be authentic, vulnerable and real with your kids. Let them see you make mistakes, apologize, and learn. Show them you’re a struggling student in the classroom of life too. Let them see you get hurt, forgive, and find balance between caring for yourself and caring for others. Don’t be a drama queen though and subject them to emotional immaturity, but do let them see your heart.

6) Do more listening than talking. Have great conversations that don’t turn into lectures. Listen more because you are actually interested in understanding them, not just guiding them. Help them to explore their options in each situation and figure out why some choices are better than others. Tell them they are smart and should make good decisions for themselves, not for you. Have great conversations about what it means to have integrity, and be honest and responsible. These conversations aren’t about control, though, they are about being authentic and sharing why you have decided to live the way you have. Always ask permission before you talk, share or advise your kids. “Would you be open to letting me share something I’ve learned with you?” This is a great permission question, but honor it if they say no.

7) Understand your child’s unique personality, psychology, fears and values. You can do this by asking lots of questions or you can get some professional help to discover your child’s unique psychological inclinations. Armed with this knowledge you will know exactly what they need.

You can rebuild a healthy connection with your child, but you may also need to sincerely apologize first. Explain how your fears of failure and loss have made you overly attached to control, approval, ideas, task or things. Let them know you are now committed to change that. Work on being more respectable and respectful and you will earn back their respect.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is hosting a parenting workshop on Aug. 25. Please visit her website for information.

Question:

I am in my 50s and have been on disability for three years. Part of my challenge is that I can't do anything physical. My yard is a disaster and is a constant reminder of just how worthless I am. My sweet little wife does everything, and I am so blessed to have her. She is not so lucky to have me. I have been on depression medicine for eight years so I should be fine, but I’m not. I have thoughts of suicide, at least weekly. My focus is gone and I am lost as to what I should do and who I even am. I was once a helper and a problem solver, people talked to me when they had problems to feel better. I don't know where that person is now. What can I do at this point to get my life back?

Answer:

It sounds like you are feeling rather hopeless. The most important thing when going through times of hardship, illness, grief or depression is not to lose hope. You must hold onto belief around two things:

1) This experience is in your life for a reason, and that reason is to serve you in some way.

2) It will change, because no state lasts forever.

Victor Frankl’s book "Man’s Search for Meaning" has always helped me get through rough times, mostly because he has credibility with me when it comes to suffering. If he found the strength (both physically and mentally) to survive a concentration camp, torture and I’m sure horrible discouragement, then I can do it. Frankl said that “suffering ceases to be suffering in the moment it finds meaning.” What he meant was if you see every experience as here for a purpose, to serve your growth, it makes it at least count for something, which helps.

I would recommend you sit down with some paper and answer Frankl’s question to his fellow prisoners after the war, “Can you write down 10 positives this experience has created?”

When you can see the ways this might be making you stronger, wiser, kinder or more compassionate toward others, you will see life as a wise teacher trying to educate you, you will see this whole experience from a more positive perspective.

But when your challenge is one that most likely will last the rest of your life, I have another suggestion (and I have a health problem like this myself, so I know how discouraging it can be). In this situation you must focus on this hour or this day — and no more. If you try to carry the weight of all the coming years today, it will crush you. Don’t think about the long haul. Focus on getting through this hour as positively as you can and keep doing this every hour.

Claritypoint coach Kristena Eden interviewed an inmate from the Utah State Penitentiary recently to talk about hanging on to hope (since this is a place where life often feels hopeless). These are some other key principles that came to light.

1. Keep believing there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Allow room in your heart for dreaming about better times. It is easy to let our dreams go because we just feel they are impossible or we are not good enough to accomplish them. But take a look around your world today. All the amazing technology and the conveniences we now enjoy were at one time thought to be impossible. If you can dream, then you can hang onto hope.

2. Give sincere encouragement to others. This is a big one. Giving encouragement to others is one of the greatest ways to validate them and make them feel valued. You don’t have to agree with what they are choosing in their life, but a few minutes to just ask questions and listen to them can make a world of difference. When other people feel that you care about them, they feel better and you do to. Even when you can’t do much physically, as long as you can talk you can encourage others.

3. Replace destructive thoughts with positive ones. Your thoughts are the building blocks of your quality of life. Your thoughts become feelings, so you want to monitor your thinking and recognize when negative thoughts show up, you have the power and agency to embrace them or replace them. In my book "Choosing Clarity," I teach a four-step process for choosing trust and love in any moment.

1. Trust your value is infinite and absolute and this situation can’t change it.
2. Trust this experience is here to teach you something (and bless you in some way).
3. Choose to see all people as the same (having the same value).
4. Choose to focus on love for yourself or others right now.

You can’t stay in a negative place with a trust and love focus.

4. Be an overcomer, not just a survivor. A survivor is still a victim, an overcomer is a victor who understands it was just a lesson and you were meant to get through. Overcomers don't complain about the hardship forever because they leave it in the past.

5. Focus on gratitude. It doesn’t matter how bad things seem, they could be worse. There are always things to be grateful for. Sometimes it’s things you are grateful you don’t have as much as for what you do have. Count your blessings (especially the small ones) every day and you can’t slide into hopelessness as much. There is a greatGratitude Worksheet on my website you ought to try.

6. Keep your confidence, you are meant to overcome this. You are not in this place to fail or be crushed. You are here to grow and meant to find solutions, courage and strength to get through. The answers you need are around you somewhere, but they may require work and effort to find and only when your lesson is done. For now stay solution focused and ask for help from every resource and person that shows up in your path. Greg Thredgold suffered with depression for 40 years before finding a solution and climbing out. He has written a wonderful book called the "Depression Miracle," where he explains many ways to stay positive and optimistic.

We also highly recommend finding a coach or counselor whose approach works for you. You may have to try a few to find the right one. Don’t give up if the first one doesn’t click. Stay optimistic, because pessimism doesn’t help.

“Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be achieved without hope and confidence” — Helen Keller.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com and is a life coach, speaker and people skills expert. Kristena Eden is a coach with www.corelivingessentials.com

Question:

I have a son who is a very difficult child, and I really struggle to get along with him. That’s probably an understatement. He makes life harder than it needs to be and fights us on everything. He doesn’t do anything until I lose it and get mad or mean. I love him but I don’t like him, and that makes me feel terrible. Any advice on this would be great. I want to have a good relationship with him, but I don’t know how to change this.

Answer:

Children (and people in general) are easier to understand than you think, and if you can understand or get clarity around what makes them tick, you will then know exactly what they need and how to motivate and get along with them.

In my work I have found there are 12 psychological inclinations or types of people (you can learn about them here), but to make understanding your child super simple in this article, I will divide people into two types, which apply to both parents and children:

1. People who need control most to feel safe.
2. People who need approval or validation most to feel safe.

The questions you must ask yourself in order to understand the dynamics of your relationship is: What do I need most and what does my child need most?

Think about this for a minute, because you might already know.

If you are a control-focused parent, you may be overly focused on tasks or things. You may like order and structure and everything in its place. You may run a tight ship and expect obedience. You may lose you temper easy or feel taken from, offended, walked on or mistreated quite often. You may have a victim mentality, at times, about the way life has done you wrong. You may be a perfectionist and be critical when things don’t go the way you think they should. You may have high expectations and might get frustrated or angry when a child doesn’t do what you ask and quickly. You might feel disrespected and try to demand respect. You might behave badly when you feel out of control. (All of these might not apply to you, but some of them will.)

If your child is control-focused (which sounds like yours), you probably have power struggles every day. These children want freedom more than anything else. They may want or insist on making their own choices as much as possible. They might manipulate you to get their way, especially if you are a validation/approval focused parent. Control-focused children may also get passive aggressive if they can’t openly defy you without getting in trouble, and this could make them hard to like. These kids want respect and agency to find their own path, and they will often fight you for it.

If you are a validation and approval focused parent, your greatest fear is failure, looking bad and/or criticism or judgment (not being liked or good enough). You may be quite strict because you are trying to prevent looking bad to others or you could be overly lenient and avoid discipline so your child will like you. If you are like this, your child can subconsciously feel your insecurity and might use these to manipulate you or disrespect you, especially if you get emotional or dramatic when you feel disliked or not good enough. You could also be overly focused on earning your value through your appearance, performance, property or popularity, and your children may feel they come second to your needs for yourself. They could feel this and resent it. Does this sound like you?

If you have a child that needs validation or approval, they might do anything and everything to get your attention. If good behavior doesn’t work, they might try bad behavior. These kids need a great deal of praise and reassurance, and if they don’t get it or aren’t feeling important or special, they could act out. If you are a control-focused parent, who is often frustrated when not obeyed, you may be prone to frustration toward your child. To the approval-seeking child, this may feel like disapproval. If they feel they can’t ever please you, they may give up trying. They may fight with you because they resent not feeling more important. If you are an approval-seeking parent, you might make everything about you and forget to validate your child enough.

Once you have figured out which dynamics are in play in your home, here are some tips for dealing with each other:

1. If you have control-seeking children, they need freedom, lots of choices and respect for their ideas and abilities.They need as much control as you can give them. They will behave better if given choices as much as possible. You should also listen to them, ask questions and include them in decisions, rules and consequences as much as you can.
2. If you have approval-seeking children, they need praise, time, attention and validation. They need confidence-building activities and chances to shine and be appreciated. These kids also want to be heard, so listen to their ideas and opinions and be careful about how much you verbally criticize. These kids need to know they are valued, and you should focus most on their qualities and attributes more than their appearance or performance. This will help them to see their intrinsic, infinite worth. Teach them to see all human beings have the same value, no matter what they do. There is aClaritypoints for Confident Kids worksheet on my website that could help you teach them correct principles around self-worth.
3. If you are a control-seeking parent, you must work on letting go of some control. You must choose your battles carefully and trust the universe or God to handle many of the lessons. The universe is a wise teacher that knows what it’s doing. Things happen to provide each of us the right lessons we need to become better. The more you trust the process of life, the better you will parent. Also see everything your child does as your perfect lesson today. Each experience is here to help you become better. Remember your child is your teacher, every bit as much as you are theirs. Always stay more concerned on fixing yourself and you will have more to give to your kids.
4. If you are an approval-seeking parent, you may need to do some work on your self-worth. You may want to work with a coach or counselor to help you see your value as infinite and unchangeable. You must stop worrying about what people think of you and focus on being the source of love and wisdom in your home. You must show your children mature, confident, loving behavior by example. Robert Fulghum said, “Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.” You must show them you aren’t afraid to make mistakes and your self-worth isn’t in question every day. This will give them permission to see themselves the same way.

Virgina Satir said, “Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open and rules are flexible — the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family.”

You can create this in your home if you accurately figure out what you and your chid need and focus on giving more of that every day. You will be surprised how quickly they respond and behave better when their needs are met. If you need additional help with parenting skills, I highly recommend getting some professional help.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and teaches parenting workshops.

Question:

I don't know if you have addressed the subject of aging, but if you haven't, would you. Although I am not really that old by today's standards (65 years old) getting older is not for wimps. Some days life is very hard alone to struggle through, let alone accompanied by aches and pains, loss of memory and so forth. Do you have some thoughts on this subject?

Answer:

Getting older can be a challenge both physically and psychologically. As you age, your health, memory, strength and stamina decline, but that doesn’t have to get you down. Just like everything else in life, you have the power to choose your perspective on it, and mindset matters

Sophia Loren said, “There is a fountain of youth: it is your mind, your talents, the creativity you bring to your life and the lives of people you love. When you learn to tap this source, you will truly have defeated age.”

Here are 12 ways to stay positive and happy as you age:

1. Think positive and stay optimistic. No matter what happens (in your journey of aging) it could be worse. Be grateful every day for everything you have and everything you are grateful you don’t have. There is a great worksheet for this on my website. Stay committed to looking at the bright side every day and always assume good things are coming your way. Always choose to be optimistic, because the universe usually brings whatever you believe is coming.
2. Think young. North Carolina State University did a study in 2009 that showed memory decline happened only in those people who believed memory declined in old age. It’s mind over matter, and you have more control over that than you think. Another study at Yale found that people who believe getting older is a positive experience lived seven years longer than those who saw it as a negative.
3. Stay busy and active. Remember the old saying, “A body in motion stays in motion.” It’s true. Studies have shown that people who stay active, keep working and retire later have fewer chronic diseases, less risk for Alzheimer’s and stay strong longer. My dad ran seven marathons the year he turned 70 and he is the healthiest, sharpest person I know. I can't match that, but I can do something active every day.
4. Find a life purpose. Find a cause to fight for or people to serve. When you stay focused on accomplishing something, you will feel energized, have less depression and your life will matter. There are so many needs on this planet where you could make a meaningful difference no matter your age.
5. Keeping learning and growing. Create a bucket list with all the things you want to learn (make sure it has at least 150 things on it). Think about hobbies, sports, languages, instruments, art or music. If you keep learning and developing as a person, your mind stays active. If you don’t use it you will lose it. My mother and my father-in-law both took up painting in their 60s and it’s been amazing for their mental and emotional health.
6. Forgive. Don’t hold onto old grudges. If you need help with this, find a coach or counselor to help you shift your perspective. Holding onto pain, guilt, shame or blame is like drinking poison every day, hoping the other person will die. Let it go. It’s time to choose peace.
7. Get a pet. Studies have consistently shown it’s healthy and it reduces depression and loneliness. People with a pet have a 40 percent lower risk of dying from a heart attack too, especially if they have to walk it every day.
8. Laugh often and have fun. George Bernard Shaw said, “You don't stop laughing when you grow old, you grow old when you stop laughing.” Life will always be as fun as you make it. I plan to be the fun old lady that wears funny clothes and makes people smile wherever I go. Every day could have some laughter in it if you look for it.
9. Keep being social. Get out and meet people and get involved in the community. There are people everywhere you could serve. There is no excuse for loneliness. If you want friends and activities, you can have them. If people don’t visit you, join a group, find a center and go visit them.
10. Eat healthy and stay a healthy weight. For many people it’s weight, not age, that slows them down. If you need help in this area, find some because nothing would help you age happier than feeling good about yourself and staying active.
11. Sleep well. Studies have shown that at least eight hours a night could make you live longer and gain less weight.
12. Accept and trust whatever the journey brings. Life rarely turns out the way we expect it to. Some of the surprises will be welcomed and others will be major disappointments. The trick is to trust the process and choose to see everything as good in some way. I believe the universe is constantly conspiring to serve, bless, educate and develop us. Every experience is here to help us become stronger, wiser and more loving. If we trust the journey about this, we resist and complain less and therefore suffer less. Some experiences we’d still rather not have, but if dropping the class isn’t an option, trust it and look for the blessings. I have written many articles about trusting the journey that you can find on my blog.

Also remember that though you are losing your youthful appearance, you are gaining wisdom and perspective. You are more secure, balanced and understanding the older you get and you create less drama and experience more peace. Aren't these what really matters?

Mark Twain said, “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

We can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a life coach, speaker and people skills expert.

Question:

I have hit a rough patch the last few years and think I might be suffering from depression. I don’t know the difference though, between regular discouragement and the kind of depression that justifies talking to a doctor or counselor. I have always thought people with depression just needed to buck up, but I think now it’s not that easy. This dark cloud over me won’t go away no matter how hard I try to think positive. I really don't want to take medication, but how would I know if it’s necessary and what else can I do? I’d love some advice on breaking free from this. Any suggestion is worth a try.

Answer:

Depression is becoming increasingly common in our world. Some experts think the rise in cases of depression is tied to the amount of processed junk food we eat. A University College London study showed that people who ate a lot of fried, processed, high sugar junk food were 58 percent more likely to suffer from clinical depression. Other experts blame heavy metal poisoning, a sedentary lifestyle or even living at high altitude, which may be why so many Utahns have it.

Whatever it is, the World Health Organization estimates that 121 million people around the world are clinically depressed. Many of those live in the USA as 13 percent of Americans are now taking antidepressant drugs. (This figure jumps to 25 percent for women in their 40s and 50s.)

Opinions vary on whether these people really need medication. Some think antidepressants are way over-prescribed and others think they are absolutely necessary, despite the many side effects. I would recommend talking to your doctor and researching all your pharmaceutical and non-pharmaceutical options before you decide what's right for you. If you have mild to moderate depression I offer a homeopathic depression bootcamp that is good option for those who don’t need medication.

Ask yourself the following questions to see if you are chemically depressed, not just sad and struggling:

1. Have you lost interest in activities that you used to enjoy? Are you no longer interested in being social, having sex, playing sports or doing things that used to make you happy?
2. Have you either lost or gained a lot of weight in the last month?
3. Are you either having trouble sleeping or sleeping all the time?
4. Do you feel hopeless and helpless? Is the dark cloud of negativity hanging over you all the time — without any end in sight?
5. Are you much more restless, grouchy, angry or irritable? Do you have a short fuse and feel bothered by almost everyone? Or do you find yourself not caring about anything or anyone? Are you more reactive or impulsive?
6. Are you tired all the time and even small tasks or events wear you out?
7. Do you have trouble concentrating, remembering things or making decisions?Do you have more feelings of inadequacy than ever before? Do you ever think the world and even your family might be better off without you? Do you think about suicide?
8. Do you have more headaches, backaches and stomach pain than you used to? Do you feel generally unwell most of the time?

If you answered yes to more than a few of these, you may be clinically depressed. I recommend you see a medical professional right away because there are many conditions like hormone deficiencies that can also cause it. Then take the time to look into medications and alternative treatments, of which there are many. Every person's body is different, so you may need to try a few things before you find what works for you.

Most importantly, don’t lose hope, because there are answers, and just because you haven’t found yours yet, that doesn’t mean you won’t — and soon. I also recommend talking to a counselor or coach who can teach you some skills for processing and replacing negative thoughts and feelings. With brain illnesses you want to work on the problem from the physical, mental and spiritual side.

Here are nine other suggestions to help you survive and beat depression:

1. Get out in the fresh air and exercise every other day. Studies have shown exercise greatly reduces both depression and anxiety.
2. Eat a healthy diet with lots of fresh fruits and vegetables and lots of water. Cut back on or eliminate caffeine, sweets and processed foods. This creates improvements for many people fast.
3. Learn some techniques for relaxing your body. These will help you pull your body out of a flight or fight (parasympathetic nervous system) response. There is a great worksheet of these on my website that will teach you some techniques for calming yourself down.
4. Get out of your head. Distract yourself from thinking too much. Focus on serving others or get busy with a project, game, movie or anything to get the focus off you and your thoughts.
5. Don’t blame yourself. Greg Thredgold, author of the book The Depression Miracle, says you must remember depression is a brain illness, not a weakness. Don’t let this challenge make you feel inadequate or worthless on top of being miserable. Shame is the last thing you need or deserve. Despite the stigma around depression, you must remember the truth — depression is an illness that can happen to anyone.
6. Take life in small chunks. Greg says to take it one hour or even 15 minutes at a time. Figure out how to make it through today, but no more than that. Don’t let yourself think about weeks or months ahead. Carrying that is too heavy. Just get through the next hour or so as positive as you can.
7. See this experience as a lesson that has shown up in your journey to make you stronger, wiser and more loving.Seeing this challenge as here to serve your growth will mean using it to gain empathy, courage and compassion for others. It will also feel less like a weakness and (more accurately) like an interesting class you got signed up for. Whatever you do don’t self-identify with it. You are experiencing depression, you aren't a depressed person. You are an amazing, valuable, strong person experiencing a very interesting and challenging illness.
8. Remember your value as a human being is exactly the same as every other person on the planet. It is also infinite and absolute and cannot change no matter what you go through. You are good enough right now and always will be. Focus on this truth and with every person you pass this week remind yourself they have the same value as you. The more you give power to this truth, the more you will feel it.
9. If you experience thoughts of suicide, please reach out and tell someone. If you have no friends or family members you feel comfortable talking to, call the crisis line 800-273-8255 or find an ASIST trained coach or counselor.

Hope this helps — you can do this.

Brighter days are coming!