Searchable Blog Coach Kim Giles from KSL.COM
  • Blog/Articles
  • About
  • Contact
  • Search
  • Blog/Articles
  • About
  • Contact
  • Search

Parenting series Part 3 — helping an anxious child

8/30/2016

0 Comments

 
Picture
Question:

Starting school this year has been rough for my son. He has terrible anxiety and stresses over everything. We can’t seem to convince him, no matter what we say, that his fears are unfounded and he is OK. He is having some panic attacks too, and I’m starting to wonder if he needs medication, but I really really don’t want to go there. Do you have any suggestions for helping him have less anxiety?

Answer:

There are some things you can try before resorting to medication. I’m going to give you suggestions that could help change your child’s fear-based thinking on both the conscious and subconscious levels.

  1. Don’t add shame to the fear. Let him know that it’s OK and even normal to feel afraid on occasion. Almost everyone feels some fear or panic when starting something new or meeting new people. Avoid making him feel that something is wrong with him for feeling this way. Say things like “I totally understand why you would feel this way and it’s perfectly normal." Anxiety gets even worse when they become anxious about being anxious. You can really help by not acting too worried.
  2. Studies have shown that when people around you believe in you, and believe you can overcome something, it’s a lot easier and more likely to happen. Tell your son often he’s got this, and he’s strong, capable and smart. Tell him everyone has to learn how to deal with fear. He hadn't learned how before, but now he can and you believe in him. This will help him believe in himself.
  3. Explain what anxiety and panic attacks are about. They are the body's automatic response to fear, and they happen because your body thinks you are in danger. Everyone’s body does this on occasion. Sometimes the body gets tricked though and it thinks you’re in danger when you really aren’t. Explain his brain is trying to protect him with these “what if” games and scary thoughts, but brains sometimes imagine things that aren’t real. Help him learn to ask “Is this scary thing real or an imagined scary thing my brain made up?” Identifying worries as imagined will help discredit them.
  4. In a panic attack or anxiety moment, help your child come to his senses. Have him close his eyes and tell you what he feels, what he hears right now, what he smells right now. Having him use his senses will get his brain focused on what’s real — right now. Also have him pay attention to his breathing and ask if it’s fast or slow, deep or shallow? Is he feeling high energy or low energy? Explain that fast shallow breathing is just the body's way to help you fight physical danger, but slow deep breaths make you feel safer.
  5. Get the pent-up, high, anxious energy out. Hand the child a box of tissues and have him grab and throw them hard and fast across the room (or as far as they’ll go) one by one. This won’t break anything and it helps that pent-up energy get released.
  6. Teach kids that panic attacks and anxiety pass. They are temporary and you can make it through them in a few minutes (usually 10-15 minutes at the most). Don’t make a big deal about a panic attack. Don't talk about it too much afterwards or tell other people about it, after your child has one. This would make the attacks more significant and add shame to the mix. You want your child to see himself and his anxiety as normal and no big deal. If you see them as a small issue, he will too.
  7. If the fear is real, talk about how he could handle specific situations if they come up. Run through some real scenarios and help him think of options in response. If "that" happens, what could he do? Preparing a response in advance will help him feel less scared.
  8. Figure out if his fears are about safety and mistreatment, or looking bad and failing. What is the core fear your child is battling? Some kids have a psychological inclination towards a need for control and they feel unsafe or anxious if they don’t have it. Some kids have a huge need for validation because their anxiety is about not being good enough. Others fear rejection or abandonment. Once you understand which fears are at the heart of your child's problems, you will understand what he needs. There is worksheet on my website that explains which fears show up in different personality or psychological types of kids.
  9. Teach kids their value can't change. If you child fears failure and not being good enough, you can hep him change the way he sees the value of all human beings at the fundamental principle level, This will also change the way he sees his own value. Teach your child all human beings have the same exact worth and that value cannot change. Help him remember that win or lose, good grades or bad grades, he still has the same value as everyone else. Help him to stop judging others too and he will stop judging himself.
  10. Teach your child the world is a safe place. It is in childhood that many of our subconscious beliefs are developed. It is crucial that you teach children to see their world as a safe place while they are young. If they see life as a dangerous place, a fear of loss will haunt them their whole life. Help them understand that although some bad things can happen, they will only happen if they provide important lessons and these lessons will help us grow. Help your children understand that life is not trying to beat them or hurt them; it is only facilitating experiences to help them become better and stronger. This mindset will lay a solid foundation of strength and help your children handle life with confidence. (You may need to change or work on your own beliefs about life before you can teach it. Children learn more from how you live than what you say. You must learn to see life and the universe as a safe place (a divinely created classroom) and overcome your own fears of loss, before you can teach these principles to your children. You may want to seek some professional help on this.)
  11. Help your child recognize the difference between fears that help us and fears that hurt us. Fears that help us are fears that motivate us to take action. Fears that hurt us paralyze us and prompt inaction. Being afraid of strangers is a helpful fear because it prompts you to be careful. Being afraid to talk to anyone or meet new people is a hurtful fear. It prompts inaction and prevents you from making friends. Teach him to ask himself, "Will worry or fear about this do anything good?" You can even role play some scary situations and help your child identify if this fear is helpful or not.
  12. Teach your child relaxation and self-calming skills. We all need to learn how to calm our fight or flight response. If we learn how to do this as a child, it will serve us our whole life.
If your child's anxiety is still keeping him from enjoying life, I recommend you seek out some professional help and look into natural solutions instead of pharmaceuticals. There are many options out there, but if all else fails get some professional help.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and is a master coach and speaker.
0 Comments



Leave a Reply.

    Search for Help

    Visit www.12shapes.com
    and
    Claritypointcoaching.com
    FOR MORE FREE
    RESOURCES
    ​
    Coaching is less expensive than you think -  If you need help we can find you a coach you can afford. 
    Call Tiffany
    801-201-8315

    Categories

    All
    Abuse
    Aging
    Anger
    Blended Families
    Boundaries
    Changing Emotions
    Choices
    Christmas
    Clear Thinking
    Communication
    Critisism
    Dating
    Dealing With The Past
    Decisions
    Depression
    Difficult People
    Discouragement
    Divorce
    Empathy
    Equality
    Family
    Fighting
    Forgiveness
    Goals
    Happiness
    Helping Other People
    Human Behavior
    Illness
    Intimacy
    Kindness
    Listening
    Love
    Marriage
    Mental Health
    Mistakes
    Money
    New Year
    Overcoming Fear
    Overwhelm
    Pandemic
    Parenting
    People Skills
    Pornography
    Procrastination
    Regret
    Relationships
    Religion
    Responsibility
    Self Care
    Self-care
    Self Esteem
    Self Improvement
    Selfpity
    Sex
    Solving Problems
    Step Families
    Step-families
    Technology
    Teens
    Tragedy
    Trusting Life
    Trust Issues
    Values
    Victim Mentality
    Work

    Take the Clarity Assessment
    Join our Mailing List

    Author

    Kimberly Giles is the president and founder of Claritypoint Life Coaching and 12 SHAPES INC.  She is an author and professional speaker. She was named one of the top 20 advice gurus in the country by Good Morning America in 2010. She appears regularly on local and national TV and Radio.

     She writes a regular weekly advice column that is published on KSL.com every Monday. She is the author of the books Choosing Clarity and The People Guidebook. 

    Go to www.12shapes.com to improve all your relationships. 


    Archives​

    March 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    December 2011
    October 2011
    September 2011
    August 2011
    July 2011
    June 2011
    May 2011
    April 2011

    RSS Feed

Proudly powered by Weebly