Don't give children too much advice

This was first published on KSL.COM

Question:

Our adult child has the worst time making decisions and he hates change. He is always calling us or his siblings for advice on every little decision he has to make. We don’t want to refuse him, but we don’t want to keep making all his decisions for him. He is a great guy, but doesn’t date much either, and I think it’s related to not being comfortable making decisions about who and how to date. How can we help him gain confidence and still show our love?

Answer:

This is a good one for all parents. When our children are young we obviously must help them, but as they grow we must start empowering them to make more and more decisions on their own. This can be scary for parents because we don’t want our child to make mistakes, but we must let go if we want them to become independent adults and eventually leave us.

When your children become teens they usually start fighting for more independence and control. This rebelliousness is supposed to happen and is a natural part of their growth. It must happen if they are going to break away from you some day. It is during this time (and when they are young adults) that you must stop giving advice, instructions and orders and start teaching them to think for themselves. Teaching independent thinking takes more time though than giving advice, so you will have to make a commitment to this.

You will also have to become a little dumber. What I mean is don’t be so quick to give them answers and share what you know. Pretend you don’t know and ask them questions to help them think through the options. Ask them what they think? Brainstorm with them and bounce ideas around, and if necessary throw out some suggestions, but make them figure it out and decide what is best for them.

Benjamin Franklin said, “Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn.:

This is what you must do. Be involved to show you care, but play dumb and force them to think through the options and outcomes by themselves. Ask permission to share the principles below (if relevent) and they will take the fear out of the decision-making process. There is also a great Decision Making Worksheet on my website you could also give to help them make confident decisions that match with their personal values. You might want to use it too.

Principles that lessen the fear in decisions:

• You can’t really make mistakes because life is a classroom and every experience a lesson. Every time you either win or learn something (and either way will serve you). Even choices that turn out bad will teach you something important you needed to learn.
  
  
• You are primarily here on the planet to learn to love yourself and others at a deeper level. Every experience will teach you this in some way.
  
  
• Nothing you do or think (and nothing anyone else does or thinks) can diminish you or change your value, because your value is infinite and absolute. You have the same value no matter what you choose.
  
  
• Your life’s journey is the perfect classroom for you. For one reason or another every experience is perfect. This should take away your fear of loss and make choosing easier.
  
  
• Fear is the root cause of most problems. The way we escape fear is by choosing trust and love. Trust your value is infinite and your journey will be your perfect classroom.
  
  
• Love is almost always the answer in every situation. Sometimes the answer is about loving others and sometimes it is about loving and honoring yourself.
  
  

Reminding someone of these truths is a good place to start, and you cannot lead them astray if you focus on principles.

Here are some other tips for empowering others:

1. Listening is what they need most. Listening to someone validates who they are at the deepest level. Being an active listener is more than just nodding and repeating what they say, though. A good listener is also a good question asker. You can help your child find the answers they are looking for on their own by just asking questions that help them look at the problem from different perspectives. The most powerful way to help someone is asking questions that guide them towards the answer but allow them to figure it out on their own.
   
   

1. Remember the person seeking advice is the one entitled to inspiration about his or her situation. As a life coach, I have learned most people already know the answer to the question they are asking, they just don’t trust their own judgment. Whatever you do, don't let them use you as a crutch. It doesn't serve them. Keep asking questions about what they think and feel until they acknowledge their inner truth knows the right direction. All the answers they need (and are entitled to) the universe will provide for them right when they are supposed to get them. If they aren’t getting the answer yet, they may not be ready. When they are ready and if you are the right teacher, you will be inspired with the right words to say, but avoid giving the answer if you can.
   
   One of my favorite questions when asked for advice is, “Tell me what you were hoping I would say?” Usually they know the answer. They just didn’t trust themselves.
   
   

1. Honor the person by asking permission before you share or give advice. I strongly recommend asking permission questions before you ever give any advice, suggestions or share what you think with anyone. This is a powerful way to show each person you honor and respect them. A permission question may sound like: “Would you be open to another perspective on this?” “Would you be open to a little advice?” “Would you be willing to let me share a couple ideas?” Then wait for a yes. If they say no, respect that. Respecting how they feel this time will build trust, and they will be more likely to listen to you next time.
   
   

1. Recognize when professional help is needed. If someone comes to you for help, but you suspect addiction, mental illness, depression or any other serious situation is in play, you must refer them to a mental health professional, counselor, therapist or doctor. If you aren’t sure whether a professional is appropriate, act on the side of caution and recommend it anyway. Be there to support them, but bring in additional support.
   
   

I hope this helps. Even though your child is an adult, you can still use these ideas to help him learn to trust himself.

If he still struggles I would recommend some life coaching with a certified coach.

You can do this.

Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a life coach, speaker and people skills expert.