LIFEadvice: Can't we be nice to each other?

Question:

Great column last week on teaching children to be kind, but how do you teach this sort of thing to adults? I have family members who love to rave about the "idiots" in the world. They don't see how much they judge others, and they do a lot of joking at others' expense. It's very upsetting to me. What can I do to encourage them to be kinder?

Answer:

There are some things you can do to encourage kinder behavior from adults, but you have to be careful how you do it. You don’t want to judge them for judging others, or you’re just as bad as they are.

First, you must make sure you are seeing these people and the situation accurately. If you check yourself for accuracy first, your response will always be based in truth.

Second, you can encourage compassion and kindness in others using the "Sneaky Method" — the only way to encourage change in other people. (I’ll explain what that is below.)

Here are four ways to make sure you are seeing this situation clearly:

1. Remember we are all struggling, scared human beings in the classroom of life. This means giving other people permission to be flawed and behave badly at times. We are all growing and learning, and you are not perfect either. Make sure you see other people as the same as you. Just because they are struggling with this issue doesn't make you better than them.
2. Remember that your value isn’t on the line, and either is theirs. Life is a classroom, not a testing center. You and these other people are both in the process of learning and growing. This process is a safe one because your value is already set and is based on your irreplaceable, incomparable value. Nothing this person thinks or says changes a person's value.
3. Remember that fear (of not being good enough) is behind most bad behavior. People say mean things about other people for one reason: It makes them feel superior. If they can make someone else seem worse, they feel a little better. This is a subconscious program, so they are not aware of it. When you can see the insecurity behind their behavior, you will have more compassion for it.
4. Remember that all bad behavior is a request for love. People who gossip about others are in desperate need of validation. Their fear about not being good enough is driving their behavior. They need love and validation more than anything else. Although this behavior makes it hard to love them, but love is what they need.

Once you can see the situation accurately for what it really is, you are ready to respond. Here are some suggestions for handling these situations with love.

1. Whenever possible, ignore bad behavior. You can simply leave the room and refuse to join in gossip-based conversations. Set a good example and make sure you never start gossip-based conversations yourself.
2. Change the topic by asking a question. You have the power to steer a conversation in a more positive direction.
3. Do not accuse or confront those who participate in gossip. This would make them feel small, which is not the goal. The goal is to help them become their highest, best self. The best way to do that is through encouragement.
4. Motivate others to want to change their behavior by recognizing the best in them. This is where the "Sneaky Method" comes into play.

Here is how the "Sneaky Method" works:

Look for an opportunity to thank this person for being such a kind and compassionate person. Tell them how much you appreciate that you never hear them say an unkind word about anyone, and how much you admire that.

You should only have to say this once or twice and this person will not gossip in your presence again. (They may stop gossiping completely.) This works because people want to live up to your highest opinion of them.

People are more motivated to change themselves when you see good in them than they are when you point out their flaws or mistakes.

When you project positive onto a person, you shove them in that direction. This approach almost always works.

Encouragement and love are the best way to help people change.

Hope that helps. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes Clarity: seeing yourself, others and situations accurately.