Coach Kim: Does conflict mean the relationship is doomed?

This was first published on ksl.com

Question:

I have been dating a guy for about seven months. We have talked about marriage but are not sure if we are ready. I have some concerns about how critical of each other we both are. He is critical of my clothes, car, cleanliness. I am critical of his schedule and how he doesn’t make time for me. I want to make the relationship works after all the time I have invested into it, but my feeling is that if we are critical of each other now, does that reflect a mismatch of values and perhaps mean it is time to move on? So my question is, how hard should you have to work on a dating relationship to make it work and when is it time to move on?

Answer:

I love this question, but I am going to break it down into the three smaller questions that will make the answer easier to understand.

1. Why are you both being critical of each other and what’s up with that behavior?
2. Is it a bad sign that means the relationship is wrong or doomed?
3. Should you stay together and keep working on it, or when should you move on?

As I answer each of these questions, please ponder some of the conflict behavior in your own relationship and what it means.

1. Why are you two being so critical of each other and what’s up with that behavior?

There are a few reasons this conflict might be happening. People are critical or conflict-prone because:

• It's an immature way to lift a person's own self-esteem. People tend to criticize others when they are in an unbalanced fear state and deeply afraid they aren’t good enough. One way their ego tries to fix this fear is by looking for anything and everything wrong in other people, situations or institutions around them. The more they can focus on the bad elsewhere, the better they feel about themselves. If others are "more bad," then they must be more good. This is a poor fix though that doesn’t work because, in the end, they know their negativity isn’t the best them. If the person causing conflict is afraid they aren’t good enough, they will project that fear onto you and see you as not enough. Could that be happening?
• They are fear-of-loss dominant (as I explained in last week’s article) and have a tendency to see what is wrong in every moment or situation and bring it up. This happens because they don’t feel safe in the world unless things are right. They are super observant and opinionated, and they are just really wired to be that way. Are you both (or is one of you) that way? Are you just naturally observant (and critical) of people, even if you don’t mean to be? You are not trying to be critical, you are actually trying to help make everything it’s best. It just comes across as critical to other people. Does this sound like either of you?
• You are not right for each other, and your gut is sounding alarm bells that this relationship just isn’t right. Maybe you are noticing everything that isn’t right because your gut is screaming, "This is not the right relationship for you!" One or both of you might be getting that message. Sometimes the one person who is getting that signal is the one meant to listen and end this relationship, while the other is meant to experience being left. There are interesting lessons in both experiences. Could that be happening?

Sit and think about each of those options and see if any of them feel accurate about yourself first. Then ask yourself which might be true of your partner. The truth is there, and you will see it if you pose the questions and sit with it for a while. Your inner GPS (your guidance system that always leads to your perfect classroom) always knows the answer.

2. Is it a bad sign that means the relationship is wrong or doomed?

Criticizing one another does not necessarily mean the relationship won’t work, will be too hard, or isn’t right. But there are three things it could mean and, again, you will have to listen to your inner GPS to know which is happening in your case.

• The criticism in this relationship could be there to teach you something. You may think your primary reason for being in a relationship is to make each other happy, but you are on this planet to grow and learn — and every experience you have is here to facilitate growth. So, this relationship is in your life, because there are things you both must teach and learn from the other. The question is, is this issue (of you both being critical of each other) here to teach you guys something? Maybe you are supposed to keep working on this until you learn those lessons. That is one possibility, and that would mean you are right where you are supposed to be (for now). If this is the case for you, you might consider some professional help to make the learning go faster.
• Maybe you are a bad match. If the criticism is really getting to you and you are starting to feel like you can never be good enough for this person, it might be time to admit that you two aren't a good match. Your gut might be telling you that this wouldn’t be a healthy relationship for you.
• You both need to learn to be less critical. I guarantee you are wired differently than your partner and you have different core fears, value systems, upbringings, beliefs and hang-ups. The problem in most relationships is that we all kind of expect our partner should handle life the way we do and see things the way we see them. When they don’t, we think this needs to be fixed. But it might not need fixing at all.

You might really need to learn to love (accurately and fully) this person you decided to love. That means allowing them to be different from you and handle life differently and see the world differently. I actually believe every couple needs to work on doing this, to some degree. Most couples I work with find that a little work on seeing each other accurately and allowing room for the other's quirkiness means they can stop criticizing and let most of the conflict go.

I teach relationship dynamics for a living, and I can tell you that the perfect match for you is rarely someone just like you. You were likely drawn to this person because of their differences. See if you can love those differences, laugh at their quirkiness and stop trying to change them.

3. Should you stay together and keep working on it, or when should you move on?

You are the only one entitled to the answer to this question, but you are entitled to it. Think it out, listen to your gut and make the decision that feels right, then try on the answer for a few hours — or a few days — and see how it feels. Even though breaking up is painful, sad and hard, you will know if it’s the right thing to do.

If you cannot figure out what your gut is saying, you probably have some fear in the way. You may need some help to quiet the fears so you can hear your gut. Again, some professional relationship help can make this easier.

You can do this.