This was first published on ksl.com
Question:

"Recently I watched a person who I’m close to and care about, treat another person I care about very badly. It made me so angry.

I found myself getting more and more angry the more I thought about it. I finally decided I had to say something because it was wrong and if no one else was going to speak up, I needed to.

I put them in their place, and I admit I might have been a little harsh, but I felt right about it. Now people are saying I shouldn’t have said anything.

So, I’m wondering, what would say is the right thing to do? Should we speak up and defend others when they are mistreated or should we just stay quiet?"

Answer:

The answer is…it depends.

It depends on a number of important factors, but before I give those factors to you, I want to make sure you understand that most people believe there are only two ways to respond to mistreatment. They are...

1) You allow the bad behavior to go on (and even allow yourself or other people to get walked on) because you are afraid it would be unkind or mean to speak up.

In this case you may be overly selfless, but also feel you are being nice and loving. People often refer to themselves as too nice here, but usually it is about feeling scared of hurting others. You would rather be mistreated and be a doormat, than speak up and risk hurting another person’s feelings or have them not like you.

2) You speak up and defend yourself and other people, because it is more important to be strong and right, than nice or loving.

In this case you tend to be overly selfish and strong, but sometimes too harsh and unkind. You feel OK about this because you see the other person as a threat to you or others.

People may say you are blunt, but it is more than just being strong enough to be honest, because it often comes from ego and even enjoyment in being right. You may think it’s better to err on the side of harsh and mean, than to be a doormat.

Think about those two options for a minute. Do you subconsciously believe these are your only two options? I’d like to introduce you to a third option.

3) I call this “the middle way” and you basically take the loving (from the 'weaker perspective) and the strong (from the 'mean' perspective) and putting them together. You learn to be both strong and loving at the same time.

This approach means speaking up, but doing it in a validating, kind, uplifting way that honors the value of both parties at the same time.

In order to find the "middle way" you must learn to quiet your fear and come from a space of trust and love instead.

This middle way may be foreign territory to you though, if you never had a parent or role model who behaved like this. You may need some coaching or to get some people skills in order to master it.

Here are 6 factors that should be in place if you are going to speak up or defend against mistreatment the right way:

1. You must trust the infinite, absolute and equal value of every human being on the planet.
   
   This means being very aware that despite errors this other person may have made, they still have the same value as you. This means you are not speaking down to them or treating them like they are less than you. This isn’t about being nice; it’s about being accurate.
   
   You may not have made this mistake, but you have made others. Get off your high horse and make sure you can talk to this person as a peer and as an equal, with respect and even validation of their worth.
   
   
2. You must remember life is a classroom and whatever happened – the reason it happened – is to give someone (or everyone involved) a lesson on being stronger, wiser or more loving.
   
   Everything that happens can be seen this way (if you choose this perspective).
   
   There can be purpose and meaning in every experience and your number one job then, is to figure out the lesson in it for you, before you focus on a lesson for another person.
   
   Sometimes you will be the teacher and it will be your place to give feedback, but other times you are also the student.So, before you put on the teacher's hat and set another person straight, make sure you have taken stock of how this situation can make you more mature, wise or loving. Figure out your lesson first.
   
   
3. Make sure it is really your place to teach this lesson to this person.
   
   Is it really your role or responsibility? If you honestly feel it is your place, go to number 4.
   
   
4. How would God or the universe want or expect this feedback to be given?
   
   Would harsh or mean behavior ever be the right way? Or would it make more sense to handle this with love, respect and validation?
   
   There is an Assessment on my website that shows on paper your subconscious tendency toward harsh mean behavior and/or weak or co-dependent behavior. You might find that interesting to see which way you unconsciously lean.
   
   
5. Would this person be more open to learning, growing or changing from this experience, if they were treated with respect and love?
   
   Sometimes when feedback feels like an attack, the walls go up and people get defensive and when this happens learning is less likely to take place.
   
   Once they get defensive they dig in and defend their bad behavior because the attack is now about their worth as a person. They will not be open to learning anything at this point.
   
   In order to create a space where someone feels safe enough to learn and grow, they must first feel validated and cared about. You must make them feel their worth, then ask if they would be open to some feedback. There is a Mutually Validating Communication Formula Worksheet on my website which will take you through handling conversations this way.
   
   
6. Check yourself and make sure you are coming from a place of love towards all parties involved, not a place judgment and criticism.
   
   Make sure you are not seeing yourself as better than anyone else. Make sure your agenda is to help them becoming stronger, wiser or more loving and the feedback is about serving them not condemning them.

Your original question was, “Should we speak up and defend others when they are mistreated or should we just stay quiet?”

My answer is YES, you should speak up if you can speak up, with the 6 factors above guiding you. If you aren't the right person or can’t do it the right way, then you should stay quiet until you can.

It means in cases where you value the relationship with this other person, and want to have a healthy one relationship, you might check your anger and ego at the door first, so you don’t destroy the relationship. 

Kimberly Giles is the president of www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular life coach, speaker and people skills expert.

This was first published on KSL.COM
Question:

I have a co-worker I’m worried about. She is really down after some major setbacks in her life and she is joking about death in a way that makes me worried she might kill herself. I try to be friendly and supportive, but I don’t know what I should say or do. I can’t find the right words and I don’t want to overstep or offend her. What should I do?

Answer:

There are 117 people who die by suicide every day in our country. In Utah, we lose one person every 15 hours, and the truth is that almost everyone goes through a time in their life when they think about ending it. This means, it is highly likely there is someone around you right now who is at risk for suicide. If we all understood the signs and how to respond, we could make a meaningful difference.

Research indicates that 80 percent of suicidal people make their intentions known to others beforehand and hope someone will reach out and help. These signals may include making a joke or off-hand comment about suicide. If you pick up on any unusual comment or behavior, you must act on it using the steps below.

You may also want to share this article with friends and family because it would make a huge difference if everyone was educated about what to do if you suspect suicide. This is as important as knowing CPR or any other first aid skill because it can save lives.

Here are some simple steps for what to do if you suspect suicide, from the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention:

1. Know the warning signs. People who are thinking of suicide often leave clues. They might say things like “I can’t do this anymore” or “this just isn’t worth it” but more often the signs are subtle. There may be sudden changes in behavior, losing interest in things they used to care about, giving things away or shutting down. People who are going through rough life experiences like mental or physical illness, divorce, bankruptcy, loss of a loved one or losing a job are also more at risk. If you know someone is going through a challenging life experience and they are acting different, pay attention and reach out to them. Listen to your intuition and consider anything that is setting off alarm bells in your head a sign to act on.
   
2. ​Ask them directly if they are having thoughts of suicide. (This is the most important thing to do.) I know it is awkward and you may have fear of offending, but do it anyway. All the research has shown that asking openly about suicide is the best thing you can do to help.  You might say something like, “People who go through challenges like yours often have thoughts of suicide, have you been there?” “You seem really down, will you be honest with me? Are you having any thoughts of killing yourself?” In order to help them, you must get the topic of suicide out in the open. Beating around the bush won’t help. Ask directly and don’t stop if they dodge the question. Once the subject is on the table. …
3. ​Ask what is going on in their life — and listen without giving your opinion or advice. Don’t try to fix what’s wrong in their life. Just ask what’s going on and let them have a safe and quiet space to talk, be heard and supported. This proves someone cares. Say things like, “Tell me more about that” or “That sounds really difficult.” At this point, they just need to know someone cares enough to be there and listen to how they feel. Don’t panic or get scared because your fear won’t help. Stay calm because you are going to involve other people to help. You are not going to handle this by yourself. Also remember that most people don’t really want to die, they just want the pain to stop. Often just talking about their feelings lessens the pain.
4. Ask about their reasons to live. Most people who are having thoughts of suicide are not 100 percent committed to dying yet. They have reasons to end their life, but they also have reasons to live. Find out if they have family members, pets, friends or spiritual beliefs they care about. Ask them to tell you more about these. Say things like, “It sounds like you may have some reasons to stay safe for now.” “Would you be open to letting me help you explore a plan to stick around for now, and find some ways to change the pain you are feeling?” “If there was a way to stop the pain and make things better, would it be worth exploring?” The idea is to focus on reasons to stay safe for now.
   
   
5. Ask directly how serious they have been about suicide, did they have a plan? Ask questions like, “Have you figured out how or when you might take your life?” This helps you to assess if there is an immediate risk. If their plan is imminent or you feel at risk, you should call 911. The Suicide Prevention Lifeline says if desire, capability and a plan are all there, the person is highly at risk. Getting a person to share their plan will lower that risk. You may also ask if they are willing to dismantle that plan and let you keep them safe for now.
   
   

1. Get lots of professional and family (if there is some) support involved as soon as possible. To keep this person safe, you must get other people involved and broaden the shoulder of responsibility. Talk to the person about whom they would be comfortable bringing in. This may include a spouse, parent, child, religious leader, counselor, doctor, friend or even emergency services.
   
   Ask if they would be willing to talk to someone at the Suicide Lifeline 1-800-273-8255 or the Crisis Text Line can be reached by texting “START” to 741-741. Even if the risk of dying isn’t imminent, it would serve them to have additional support and professionals to talk to.
   
   (I highly recommend everyone put those numbers in your cellphone so you have them if you need them.)
   
   

1. The Suicide Prevention Lifeline is there to help you too. They welcome calls from people who are worried about someone, not just those who are suicidal. They are always willing to talk you through what to do and say.
   
   

Shari Sinwelski, associate project director at the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, says, “Suicide prevention is everyone’s responsibility, it’s not just for clinicians or doctors. People are less likely to go to a counselor or a doctor than they are to show warning signs to their friends or family members.”

There is always uncertainty around the decision to die by suicide, and when someone reaches out in love and support, most people respond and are open to other options for dealing with their pain. If there is someone who cares enough to reach out, there is always hope.

Please don’t ignore the signs — you truly can make a difference.

You can do this.

Read some more great information on suicide prevention on the Crisis Center Website 

Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a life coach, speaker and people skills expert.

Question:
How do I stop being so shy and teach my children not to be so shy? I’m afraid of people and most situations and my children have picked up on this and are afraid too. Please help!!!!
Answer:
The good news is scientists have found the gene for shyness. They would have found it sooner but it was hiding behind some other genes.
Just kidding.
But I do have some good advice on this one.
The first crucial step in helping someone change their behavior is making them feel unconditionally loved and accepted for who they are now.
Make sure your child knows it’s OK to feel shy. It happens to everyone, and there is nothing wrong with him. There are actually some interesting advantages to being shy.
Shy people are usually more polite and considerate to others. They tend to pay more attention to things, because they aren’t as busy talking. Shy people may create better friendships, because they go for quality, not quantity. Shy people can be better at working independently and solving problems on their own. They may also be smarter, because they think things through more before they act.

Here are a few things you can do (and do with your children) to help you overcome fear of social interactions:
When going somewhere new, talk to your child and prepare him ahead of time. Talk about the anxiety he might feel and what he might feel afraid of. Talk about ways he can cope with his fears and calm himself down. If you are the shy person, you can think these things through and even journal about them. Write out some options for handling situations you think may happen
Plan some safe and successful social interactions. Plan lots of social events with familiar people as often as you can. This will build confidence for branching out to new settings with new people.
Learn some more social skills. You may want to find a coach or counselor who can teach you some communication and relationship skills. Knowing exactly how to respond to different situations gives you a lot of confidence. Visualize using these skills, practice, and role play with them at home. Practice how you would introduce yourself and start conversations. These are things your children also need to learn, so share what you learn with them.
Dale Carnegie’s book “How to Win Friends and Influence People” is a great book to teach you some of these skills. Carnegie recommends strategies like asking questions and letting other people do the majority of the talking. This makes people feel important and like you. Teaching children these techniques will empower them to handle social situations too.
Model healthy social behaviors yourself. Shyness is a highly genetic trait. You must show your child good social skills by example. If you avoid social situations or are nervous around people, you are teaching your child to fear people. Get some professional help with your own self-esteem and people skills if necessary.
Never criticize your child or embarrass them in public or around their peers. When they make a mistake, help them understand mistakes don't define them. We all make mistakes. They may have made a bad choice, but they are not a bad person. Mistakes are just lessons and nothing to be afraid of. Teach them to see life as a classroom (where we are learning, but our value isn’t in question) not a test (where everything counts on your grade). This one mind-set change will help a lot.
Teach your child that what other people think of him doesn’t matter. People are usually not paying attention to others anyway. They are focused on themselves. Help him understand that other people’s opinions can’t change or hurt him. They don’t mean anything.
Teach creative problem solving. Don’t solve problems for your child. Ask questions and empower him to figure out the answers on his own.
Let your child change slowly. Change is a process and happens slowly, step by step. Help your child to set small goals and make a little progress each week. Let him decide what those goals might be. Encourage things like talking to one new person today.
Visualization is a great way to practice social behavior. He can practice handling social situations differently in his head. Teach your child to practice in his mind until he is ready to try it for real.
The best way to encourage another person to change is by encouragement. Tell your child often how confident and capable he is. If you tell him he is strong and brave, he will believe you.
I would strongly recommend some coaching or counseling to help you overcome your social anxiety. It is an easy fix with a professional who knows how to help. After you get your fears under control, you will be able to teach your children a better way of feeling and responding to life. We also have lots of free resources on our website to help you overcome fear. They would really help too.
You can do this. 

This article was first published on KSL.COM
Question:
Help! I read your article about Not Being a Drama Queen and I have a small business full of women that are driving me crazy with drama and fighting. They are constantly against each other and offending each other. I tried to talk with them but it is getting so out of control. Please help me get them back on track and focused on work. Thank you. I am one stressed-out boss.
Answer:

As the boss, you need to think about creating a more positive corporate culture at work. Corporate culture is not just for big companies by the way, it exists in every company (of every size) whether you officially have one or not. If you don’t define a corporate culture, you will inadvertently create one that is based on you and your employees’ subconscious tendencies, attitudes and reactions. It sounds like the culture you have now is a negative, critical and angry one.

I recommend that you take some time and define your core values and principles on paper. Decide what kind of positive atmosphere you want to create at work. How do you want people to be treated? How do you want conflicts handled? What kind of behavior do you expect from your employees toward each other?

I believe that if you hire people, buy from people, sell to people or serve people (or deal with any other human beings at any level at all) in your business, you need a defined corporate culture that includes policies about people and how they are to be treated, both customers and co-workers.

The way employees treat each other is an often overlooked aspect of business. Most of our policies tend to focus on the delivery of the goods and services. They are more about processes than relationships and behavior. If you will expand your policies to include attitude, communication and interaction with each other, it will create better working environment and more productivity. Studies have shown that the average employee wastes around 2.5 hours a week dealing with office drama and people problems. If you taught your people better relationships skills and made policies about the human behavior part of your company culture, you could increase productivity and make work better for everyone.

We find companies that encourage (and even provide) opportunities for personal growth and development, improving relationship skills or executive coaching, just do better on every level. They are more successful, make more money and retain employees much longer. Investing in coaching, training, seminars or workshops for your people has a huge return on investment.

In the meantime, work on defining your core values and policies around human behavior. Then, put them up where everyone will see them, talk about them often, and live them by example. You may also need to start hiring people that believe in these values and are committed to living them. Make sure following the company’s core values and codes of human behavior are part of each person’s job description and that dishonoring the core values may lead to losing their job.

Here are some questions and suggestions to get you started creating a better corporate culture in your small business:

1. What are the principles and core values that are important to you at work? Here are some ideas: do you value honesty, compassion, work ethic, personal responsibility, respect, creativity, optimism, service, integrity or tolerance? Make a list of all the core values that are important to you.

2. Take an honest inventory of your own behavior and attitudes. Are you living the core values yourself? How can you lead by example and walk the walk, not just talk the talk? Make some specific commitments to improve your own behavior.

3. How do you believe people should be treated at work? What policies could you create to encourage that kind of treatment? Many of the companies I work with use policies like the following:

• It is our corporate policy that all human beings have the same intrinsic value and hence should be treated with the same level of compassion and respect. From the CEO to the mailroom, everyone has the same infinite human worth and deserves to be valued.
• It is our policy that every human being is a student in the classroom of life. They are each learning unique lessons and battling unique challenges. Understanding this means giving each person permission to be "a work in progress," imperfect, yet still deserving of respect. We all have more to learn.
• Because everyone gets a unique classroom journey, there is no level where comparing or judging others serves us. There is a difference between gossip and validating feedback from the appropriate source. We have a policy against gossip and backbiting, while we encourage everyone to stay teachable and open to feedback.
• Each person is the sum of their unique life experiences and knowledge, therefore each will have different ideas and opinions. Each idea deserves to be heard and respected (even if it isn’t the one we decide to go with). We are a speak freely, listen and keep an open mind company. We encourage respectful, mutually validating conversations and have a company procedure for how that is to be done.
• Everyone is scared, broken and in pain at some level. Everyone battles the same two core fears on a daily basis — the fear of failure (the fear they aren’t good enough) and the fear of loss (the fear of being mistreated or taken from). These fears have created broken pieces in most people, which cause them pain. Their fears and pain make them behave badly on occasion. We understand the real reason people behave badly (fear and pain) so we can interact with them more effectively. We understand that everyone needs validation and reassurance to quiet their fears. When we give this to others they become much easier to work with. We see bad behavior accurately and understand that most attacks aren’t about you. They are about the person’s fears.
  
  

4. Define a policy about how disagreements should be handled. This should include a procedure that is taught to everyone and followed. As the leader, you must handle people problems and arguments this way every time. Your people will do what you do, not what you say. So, if you handle problems in a mature, calm, respectful way, you will teach your employees to do the same. In my book, "Choosing Clarity," I outline a step-by-step procedure for having mutually validating conversations to resolve conflict that you could use. This includes talking to people in private, asking questions and listening first, making them feel heard and understood, then asking permission to share your perspective, and learning to use the right language so you don't offend. Find a procedure that works for you and teach it to your people.

5. Do you have a policy about honoring commitments and doing what you say you’re going to do? What should this policy include so everyone is accountable for their own performance. What is your procedure for handling poor performance? Make sure you have one.

6. Do you listen to others? Will you take the time to hear their opinions and show them they are valued? Is this important to you? We think this is one of the most important things you can do as the boss. If you are willing to listen to your people they will feel valued and respected, and they will work harder.

7. Are you on time and do you respect others? Is being on time or treating people right a company value? You could institute a program where employees can submit names of other employees who are doing a great job or treating them right for a reward. Encourage good behavior by rewarding and recognizing it.

These are just a few ideas to get you started. I encourage you to start defining policies, procedures, and core values for your small company right away and start instituting them by living them yourself. If you struggle trying to figure out what your policies should be or are struggling to live them yourself, you may want to hire an executive coach or consultant to help you. You may also consider bringing in some outside people skills training for your employees, sometimes people respond better to outside expert.

Start there and let me know how it goes.

You can do this.

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and an executive coach and corporate trainer.

This article was first published on KSL.com
Question:
I am, admittedly, a drama queen. I overreact to things and am even prone to temper tantrum-like behavior. I get offended easily and am almost always mad, sad or upset about something. What is wrong with me? Can you give me any advice that would help me not feel this way? I know these upset feelings are having a negative effect on my marriage, and I really want to change.
Answer:

I’m going to give it to you straight if that’s OK. You are basically psychologically immature. You let your subconscious programing and your emotions drive. It’s not your fault though. You were probably never taught another way of being, and you have been doing the best you could with what you knew. You may have had a parent who was the same way (reactive, easily offended or emotionally defensive).

Some people were lucky enough to have psychologically mature parents who taught them how to think situations through accurately and logically, and talk about feelings in a respectful way, but I would guess you didn’t get that.

The good news is that you change and learn to handle your life with more wisdom, compassion and mindfulness, but it is going to take some work. I would also strongly suggest getting some professional help. A guide who knows how to get you there would make changing a lot easier.

Tal Ben-Shahar, an author and lecturer at Harvard University and the author of the book "Being Happy," says psychological maturity has three components.

1. The ability to step back from a situation and see it from a more “big picture” perspective, letting go of your first emotional reaction and consciously choosing a more logical response.
2. The capacity to step back and see things from another person’s point of view.
3. The ability to detach from your need to be right and become teachable and open to changing your perspective in any situation.

It takes a lot of self-control to stop your emotional reactions and evaluate a situation logically. It also takes authentic love to go further than your own perspective and put yourself in their shoes and understand how they feel. There are some worksheets on my resources page on my website, which can help you learn to do this. Also, below are some questions you can also ask yourself when you get upset, offended or bothered by something.

Go through this process before you react to anything:

1. How big a deal will this be 10 years from now? Step back from this problem and try to get a long-term perspective on it. Chances are in the long haul this isn’t that big of a deal.
2. Am I taking this more personally than I have to? Most people behave badly only because they are scared themselves.They are either afraid of being insulted or looking bad (failure) or being taken from, cheated or wronged (loss). These two fears drive most human behavior. You must always ask yourself, “What is this person scared of? If you can identify their fear you will understand — it isn’t really about you.
3. What does this other person really want and need? What is the underlying cause of their behavior? Most people behave badly because they need love, attention, reassurance or validation. Bad behavior is not a good way to request validation, but this person may not know a better way. When other people are behaving badly, choose to give them what they really need (even if they don’t deserve it). Being loving is the right answer in most situations.
4. Is my fear of failure (not being good enough) in the way? If you have low self-esteem, this makes you see insults in everything. It makes you blow problems out of proportion and get offended by things that really can’t hurt you. You may need some professional help to improve your self-esteem before your self-control will improve. It’s worth whatever it costs for the peace it will create in your home. You must also remember that nothing can diminish you. Your value is infinite and absolute. You have the same value no matter what others think. You cannot be diminished or hurt without your permission. This means you can choose to see yourself as bulletproof if you want to. You can decide to let offenses bounce off you most of the time. Even if you choose to address an offense, you must do so with the understanding that your value is unchangeable, that way it will be less emotional.
5. Do I remember I get to choose how I will experience each situation? You have the power to choose your emotions. You can choose to be hurt and offended if you want to. You can create all kinds of unnecessary drama around this offense. You can use it to cast the other person as the bad guy so you can feel superior. You could use it to play the victim and get sympathy love, but if you choose this, people will lose respect for you and you will be giving away your power. Instead remember no person and no situation can make you upset. Your thoughts about the situation create your upset feelings. You are the one responsible for those thoughts — so only you can make you upset. Take responsibility for how you choose to feel. You may need to write out all your other options (besides being upset). There are other options and they are probably more mature, wise and loving.
6. Am I seeing this person or people as the same as me? We all have a subconscious tendency to see other people as better or worse than us. This mindset creates a lot of unnecessary drama, self-pity and conflict. In reality, we are all the same. We all have the same value. We are all struggling, scared, divine, amazing human beings in process. We are all students in the classroom of life and we are all afraid we aren’t good enough. When you see people as the same as you, you will respond with more love, compassion and wisdom.
7. Does this person’s bad behavior need to be addressed? There are times it definitely does need to be discussed for the health of the relationship, but you must have this discussion in a strong, loving and validating way. You must set aside your need to be right, superior or angry. You must focus on your love for them and your desire to have a better relationship. You must listen to how they feel and what they think first and honor and respect their right to feel the way they do. You must not disagree or criticize them. After you have listened to them, you must ask permission to share your feelings. It would be wise to use more “I” statements than “you” statements and focus on their future behavior more than their past behavior (which they cannot change). Ask them if, in the future, they would be willing to behave differently. There are instructions for having mutually validating conversations on my website too.

Nathaniel Branden wrote an amazing book in 1969 called "The Psychology of Self-Esteem." In the book he says, “Only if we have a rational approach to our emotions can we be free of paralyzing self-doubt, depression and fear.” I hope these questions will give you a way to step back and process emotions rationally. Again there are many other worksheets on my website that step you through processing emotions, offenses and upsets more accurately.

The path to eliminating the inner drama queen lies in seeing situations more accurately and learning to respond with more maturity, love, wisdom, honesty and compassion. It lies in learning to communicate better with more understanding and respect for yourself and others.

Even if you have never learned to do this, it’s not too late to change.

You can do it.

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a life coach and professional speaker on people skills.

This article was first published on KSL.COM
Question:

My biggest complaint about my family and my job is a lack of appreciation. My spouse and children completely take for granted everything I do for them. They just assume I will always do everything for them, and my needs don’t seem to matter. I feel the same way at work too. I do more than anyone else, yet people act like I’m not important. Is it me? What can I do to feel more appreciated for all I do and give? All I want is my sacrifices to be noticed and appreciated.

Answer:

The real question here is "Do they really not appreciate you, or do you just not feel appreciated?"

If you have insecurities and low self-esteem, no matter what they do or say, it won’t be enough to fill your empty bucket. You will never feel appreciated. The truth is, other people cannot convince you that you have value. When I hear you say “All I want is my sacrifices to be noticed and appreciated,” I think what you are really saying is that you need your value validated. You need someone to fill your bucket, and that means it is probably empty. This tells me you are coming from a place of low self-esteem.

The problem is, the only person who can fill your bucket and keep it full is you. If you continue to make other people responsible for your self-esteem and filling your bucket, which basically has a hole in it because of your negative beliefs about yourself, they will resent it and this will feel a lot like un-appreciation.

If I am wrong and you already have good self-esteem and the people in your life still don’t appreciate you, then one of two things is happening. Either you are surrounded (on all sides) by people who are selfish and focused their needs, which is highly unlikely. Or you are still giving and serving with a (possibly subconscious) sense of neediness, entitlement or obligation behind it, and this is making people ungrateful.

For example, if you feel entitled to gratitude and expect something back from your gifts, this makes your gifts about getting what you need, not giving to them and no one appreciates these kinds of gifts.

Since I’m not sure what is happening in your situation, I’m going to tell you how to solve all these problems. If you will work on these six things, I promise the people in your life will respond with more gratitude.

1. Work on your self-esteem by redefining what gives you — and all human beings — value. You must decide where your value as a human being comes from. Is it based in your appearance, performance and what others think of you? Or is it based in your nature as a child of God and your uniqueness as a one-of-a-kind divine soul? I encourage you to stop trying to earn your value through your appearance, performance and the approval of others. Instead, see your value as infinite and absolute, unchangeable, and not in question at all, because life is a classroom, where you are here to learn, it is not a test to determine your value. If you choose to see life as a classroom not a test, this mindset shift will take most of the pressure off. The more you accept your value as infinite and stay the same no matter what you do, the less validation you will need from other people. You will feel a peaceful sense of true value all the time and your bucket will stay full. This will make you less needy and more attractive to others.
2. Take better care of yourself. Make sure you have a healthy balance between giving to others and taking care of yourself. Remember, you are in charge of making sure your needs are met. If you give too much and never take care of yourself, your family and co-workers will begin to take that for granted. They will expect that behavior and it will be your fault. You will have taught them that your needs aren’t important. If you are asking for what you want and need, and taking care of you, you won't feel overburdened or taken for granted, and you will be teaching them to honor your needs. You will also have a full bucket and more to give.
3. Give to others from a place of love. There are two emotions you can give from: love or fear. Giving from fear means you have low self-esteem and are afraid you aren’t good enough, and that means you are in desperate need of validation and appreciation from others. When you give gifts from this needy place, your gifts have strings attached. You need something back (in the form of validation) from the person you are serving. When you give from this place, it doesn’t feel like a gift. It feels like an obligation and people don't appreciate that. When you give gifts from love, needing nothing in return, it feels like a real gift and people tend to appreciate those. If you are doing steps 1 and 2, you should have a full bucket, and you should be able to give gifts from love. When people feel real love behind your actions, they will appreciate you.
4. Make sure you are giving because you want to not from a sense of obligation. If you give or serve because you are supposed to, need to, have to or should, the truth is, you don’t really want to. That again, is not much of a gift. It is a forced gift and no one really appreciates a gift you didn’t want to give in the first place. In your mind, they should really appreciate these gifts even more, because you sacrificed to give them, but they won’t. They don’t want a gift that is laced with guilt. They only want a gift or service that comes from your heart because you wanted to give it.
5. Stop trying to get appreciated. I hope you are hearing this idea behind all the other steps. If you want to be appreciated you must stop trying to get appreciated. Your neediness is making everything you do about you. When you stop trying to get appreciation and start giving to the people in your life from a true sense of love, you will be naturally appreciated.
6. Be grateful and give more appreciation. There is a law in this universe called “You get what you give." This means if you want more appreciation, you must give more appreciation. Shower the people in your life with gratitude for every little thing they do. Make sure appreciating others is a core part of who you are. But again remember, this has to be real gratitude. You can’t fake this. You may need to spend some time putting on paper all the things you are truly grateful for. Try to imagine your life without them and find a true sense of appreciation.

Tony Robbins said, “Change your expectation to appreciation and the world changes instantly.

I promise, the fastest way to change other people is to change yourself. When you change YOU, and choose to live from love instead of fear and lack, they cannot respond to you the way the same way. Give more love to yourself and others, focus less on your fear, and this situation will change.

You can do this.

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular speaker on people skills www.speakerkimgiles.com

First published on KSL.COM
Question:

I have a really difficult mother-in-law, who continually disrespects my wife and I and our ability to parent our children. She often manipulates us with guilt to get us to do what she wants us to do, yet nothing we ever do is good enough either. When my wife has tried to talk to her mom about her behavior it blows up and she ends up mad at us. Whenever my wife and I fight my wife also runs to her mom with all the details, which is making the situation even worse. I am hoping you have some advice on the in-law topic that would be helpful to me and many others who have in-law challenges.

Answer:

I think it might serve us all to get some clarity on the problem and define some rules of engagement for everyone to follow.

Most of these mother-in-law relationship problems are created because the mother-in-law is suffering from a fear of loss. This is the fear of losing out, missing out, being mistreated or being taken from at some level. Many women feel like they are literally losing their child (a child who has the been the focus of their attention for many years) when the child marries. The mother-in-law may get controlling, needy and selfish in an effort to hold on, stay involved and feel a sense of importance in your life. They may subconsciously see the spouse as a threat and try to undermine the relationship (this could be a conscious effort, but it could also happen subconsciously.) Most of these women are trying to be good, loving people, but their fear is making them needy and selfish and they are missing your needs.

The problem with trying to talk to a person (who is suffering from this much fear) about their behavior, is they will only see it as an attack. If you can’t talk to her about the issues, then you must work on the tips below for you (including enforcing strong boundaries) and hope she gets it after a while. Or you could share this article with her and ask her for some other specific ways you could treat her better. Focus on how you can treat her better because you want to improve your relationship, and hope that she sees the wisdom in treating you better too.

Your mother-in-law is not a bad person though, she is just a scared person. What she needs is reassurance, validation, appreciation and to know that she is important and valued, and the good news is, you can give her these things without letting her control your life. You must enforce strong, resolute, but loving, boundaries with her and then let her process through any anger or drama she choses to experience about your boundaries on her own. You cannot feel guilty about it. The less you join in the drama, the more pointless the drama will become for her.

Here are some simple relationship rules for all married people and mothers-in-law to live by.

For all mothers-in-law:

1. Let your child and their spouse do things their own way. Let them learn to parent on their own (unless they ask for your advice). Respect their parenting decisions and trust that whatever they decide will be the perfect classroom journey for that child. It is not your job to intervene unless there is abuse or neglect happening.
   
   
2. Don’t be greedy. Understand that they (your child and their spouse) are going to need time alone, time with their spouse’s family, and time with your family. This means you are never going to get as much time as you’d like. That is just the way it has to be. Get used to it. Understand that the more demanding you are the less they’ll want to be with you. Instead of feeling left out, explore the possibility that there is a reason you are supposed to focus your time on your other children or your own spouse right now.
   
   
3. Let your child’s spouse be their first priority. If you love him/her you must let them choose their spouse over you. It’s supposed to be that way. If you make your child put you first, it will weaken their marriage, which will hurt them. Put your child’s needs before your own — that is a parent’s job
   
   
4. If you don’t like a situation or have concerns about your child, then talk to them privately in a loving, validating way. (If you don’t know how to have a mutually validating conversation get my book and learn how — its the most important life skill you can gain. The book is also full of family relationship advice.)
   
   
5. Compliment your child and their spouse as much as possible — never criticize. Criticism will poison your relationship. If you have a helpful suggestion, ask permission to share it. Say, “Would you kids be open to a suggestion on how you might handle this situation, or would you rather me stay out of it. I’m totally fine either way.” Don’t feel bad if they want to figure it out on their own.
   
   
6. Never say anything negative about your child’s spouse. Your job is to have compassion and love for everyone. If your child comes to you with complaints about their spouse understand they are sharing feelings (feelings that may change later). They are also sharing perspective, not necessarily truth. There are always two sides to every story. Try not to take sides, just be a listening ear and a source of support and love. As much as possible, encourage your child to stay loyal to their spouse on every level and to seek out professional help at the first sign of trouble.
   
   
7. Work on being a good friend to your child’s spouse. This means being loyal, supportive, understanding and compassionate to them. If you don’t like this person, get over it. For now, they are your family and your job is to love them as they are. This is what Godlike love is all about and this may be your perfect classroom to learn it.
   
   
8. Respect their space. Don’t stop by unannounced, don’t clean things they didn’t ask you to clean, walk in without knocking, or assume everything in their life is your business. Healthy boundaries create healthy relationships. Honor their wishes for their children. Don’t overly spoil or give your grandkids things their parents don’t want them to have. Honor their role as the parents and they will want you involved more often.
   
   
9. Don’t buy your daughter-in-law clothes or home decor as gifts, since her style might be different from yours. Gift cards honor who she is and prevent anyone getting offended.
   
   
10. In every situation try to put yourself in their shoes and think about how they might feel. Recognize your own fears of loss and set them aside — trust everything will be fine and act from love. Remember that your child and their spouse just want to be respected, admired, appreciated and wanted. Be a mother-in-law who gives this, and you will get it back.
    
    

Dr. Phil says, “You are a guest in their marriage and a guest in their home. You have to fold into their rules if you want to be welcome there.”

How to be a great son-in-law or daughter-in-law:

1. Insist that your parents accept your spouse and respect him or her. Do not tolerate them speaking ill of your spouse and DO NOT TAKE YOUR PERSONAL MARRIAGE problems to your parents. Be loyal to your spouse. If you are having problems, talk to your spouse about them or get professional help.
   
   
2. If your parents are causing problems in your marriage, limit the amount of time you spend with them. Your marriage has to come first. If your parents are unkind or disrespectful to your spouse, it is your job to defend him/her. You must be the one to ask your parents to treat your spouse right.
   
   
3. Support your spouse to have a close relationship with their parent if they want that. Don’t get possessive, needy, or worry about being left out. (That would be fear of loss energy, which isn’t attractive.) Show your spouse you support them and have no fear. This kind of love will be noticed and appreciated.
   
   
4. Be loyal to your spouse first. Your spouse has to come before your parents. You can have a close relationship with your parents but when push comes to shove, you must show your spouse they are number one. If you can’t do this, your marriage will suffer and your happiness too. Couples who stick together can handle any in-law problems together.
   
   
5. If you don’t like your mother or father-in-law, that’s fine, but you do have to respect them and care for them. Causing problems between your spouse and his/her parents will make your whole family suffer. Let the grandparents spend time with your children (unless abuse is in the mix) your kids will benefit.
   
   
6. Communicate and set clear boundaries and expectations ahead of time about what you need and expect. Don’t keep quiet, then resent your in-laws for not behaving the way you wanted them to. Just be honest. You can do this with love, by asking questions about how they feel and then asking if you can share what works for you. You really can be strong and loving at the same time.
   
   
7. Treat you in-laws the same way you treat your own parents. If you do anything for your mom, make sure you do it for your mother-in-law too.
   
   
8. Don’t expect parents or in-laws to be your source of free child care — unless they offer to do this for you. Make sure you don’t ask too much.
   
   
9. Ask your mother-in-law for advice on parenting, cooking and anything else she is into. You don’t have to take it. Just show her you appreciate her and admire her. Remember everyone wants to feel respected, admired, appreciated and wanted. Being someone who gives this feels amazing. You will like yourself if you are this kind of giver.

If you are still struggling with this, I highly recommend some relationhips skills training with a professional coach or counselor.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a life coach and speaker.

This article was first published on KSL.COM
Question:
I have a tendency to let people guilt me into doing things I don’t want to do. My mother for instance. I can’t say no to her or maybe the problem is she won’t accept no. She always comes up with logic to counter everything I say. In the end, I always give in and do what she wants. I am just too nice? Do you have any advice for me?
Answer:

Your problem is not that you are too nice. Your problem is that you are weak and afraid of what others think of you. This isn’t a “nice” problem, it's a fear problem. You are so afraid of looking bad, mean or selfish that you put other people’s wants and needs ahead of yours. You are overly selfless, and yes that’s a big problem.

When you consistently sacrifice yourself for others, everyone ends up happy and liking you, except yourself.

The problem is that most of you think you only have two choices when someone asks you to do something you don’t want to do. Option one is to say NO and hurt or disappoint the other person, who then might think less of you (or think you are selfish) which is really terrifying to those of you who already fear you aren’t good enough. This option also feels like you are valuing yourself over the other person, which feels wrong.

Option two is to betray yourself (and value the other person more than yourself) and give the other person what they want. This option feels safer because even though you aren’t happy, you are at least assured the other person likes and approves of you. This option feels more righteous and loving, but at the same time it leaves you feeling taken from.

The good news is there is a third option (one that many people don’t know exists). Instead of being strong and selfish, or loving and weak, you can learn to be strong and loving at the same time. In this place you accurately value yourself and the other person the same amount. You can clearly see everyone's needs as worthy of being honored, yours and theirs. In this place you strike a healthy balance between standing up for yourself and honoring your needs, and sacrificing to serve, love or give to others. If you want to be emotionally happy and healthy you must have this balance.

If you don’t have a healthy balance between giving and receiving there will be problems in your relationships. You may start to resent the people you constantly sacrifice for and they will stop appreciating your sacrifices, because they will take them for granted. You will also have low self-esteem (if you are overly selfless) because you are constantly giving power to the idea that other people are more important than you.

In order to fix this tendency to betray yourself, you must embrace some new principles of truth around your value and life. Read the following often:

Principle 1: What other people think of me is irrelevant. I am the same me no matter what they think. Their opinion doesn't affect or change my value. I have the same infinite, absolute value whether they like me and my decisions or not. I do not need their approval. I just love them and myself where we are.

Principle 2: I teach people how to treat me by how I treat myself. I honor my own needs because I want other people to honor them. If I always put others' needs first, I am literally teaching them that my needs are not important. I believe all human beings have the same value and we are all equally important.

Principle 3: If I disrespect myself and allow people to push me around, they won’t respect me. Weakness is never respected. I may think my sacrifice and love will win their approval, but do I really want approval at the cost of respect? In the end, I will create what I feared. Even though I give them their way, they will think less of me anyway. If I make sure my own needs are met, people will respect me for it.

Principle 4: It is not selfish to take care of my own needs. The Bible says to love your neighbor “as” yourself, not “instead” of yourself. This means I am just as valuable and important as everyone else. When I honor my own needs I demonstrate to the world that all people deserve to be honored and respected. No one is more important than anyone else. My needs and wants should take precedence over others about half the time. This is not selfish, it’s healthy.

Principle 5: If I don’t love myself first, I am not really capable of giving love to others. If I don't value myself, I basically have an empty bucket, which makes me needy all the time. From this place I really have nothing to give others. When I give to others from this place, my gifts have strings attached because I need something (approval) back. From this place all my loving behavior is driven by my need to get validation. That is not love. Real love can only happen when I experience the same amount of love for myself as I feel toward the other person. When I love myself I can give from a full bucket and people will feel this and appreciate my gifts much more.

Using these principles of truth to guide you, I recommend that you redefine your boundaries and write some rules for yourself about when you are going to say YES and when you are going to say NO. Here is an example:

I give to others often, I also say NO to other people’s requests if doing what they want would:

— Make me resent them for asking
— Make me feel taken from
— Force me to miss something that’s important to me
— Push me over the edge of sanity.

This is the loving thing for all concerned. I do not need to hold fear around how others will feel when I say no. I know it is the right thing for me, and that is enough. I will tell them with love that I can’t do it (without having to explain why). In the end, they will respect me for my strength and love.

Taking the time to write on paper exactly how you are going to feel and behave the next time your mother tries to guilt you into giving in will really help. If she won't take your loving no for an answer, say, “Mom, is there anything else I could do to show you I love and respect you, if I can’t do this?” See if there is another way to show her you love her — something that works for you.

It is really hard when you have someone in your life who is overly selfish and doesn’t honor your needs, and there may be times you have to let her be mad at you and process her frustration. She is the one choosing to be bothered, and that isn't any of your business. Let her be mad without letting it affect your self-esteem. Remember that just because she is choosing to feel upset, doesn’t mean you were wrong to say NO. Her opinion and feelings don’t affect your value.

If you really struggle with this problem, I would highly recommend seeking out some professional help with fear and rebuilding self-esteem. It would make a big difference.

You can do this. 

This article was first published on KSL.COM
Question:

I have some friends who complain constantly about their problems but get offended if I give them any advice on fixing what’s wrong. Do they just want to stay where they are? Should I just listen? Is that a good friend? Or is there anything else I can do to get them to listen to me and make changes? Maybe I’m giving advice the wrong way?

Answer:

We all know people we would like to advice, change, or help, but we must handle these situations the right way or people will get offnded, turn a deaf ear or even passive aggressively dig further into their bad behavior.

To give advice the right way you must understand a few basic principles of human behavior. These principles will help you to understand why people react negatively to advice and how you can create a safe space for advice that won’t offend.

This is great information for parents, managers and leaders.

Principle 1: Remember everyone on the planet is battling a deep core fear of failure (a fear that they aren’t good enough), and this fear causes a great deal of pain. 

We also have subconscious programs which encourage us to avoid anything that might trigger this fear. We are never excited about conversations around our need to change because they obviously mean we aren’t good enough now. The more subconscious fear of failure a person has, the less open they are to advice. This is unfortunate because they are the ones who need the advice most, but this is still how it works.

When people have good self-esteem they can handle feedback without pain or fear, but most people don’t have good self-esteem.

Principle 2: People will not be open to advice or changing themselves until they first feel fully accepted as they are right now. 

If they don’t feel accepted now, they will insist on staying where they are until you do. Don’t be discouraged by this. You can fully accept someone as they are right now (even with behaviors you don’t like) and create a safe space where they will be more open to changing. You just have to focus on their intrinsic worth and remember it matters more than their current behavior. Never lose sight of the truth, that they are a one of a kind, irreplaceable being with the same value as you. Loving them unconditionally must come first. Once they feel your love they will be more open to your influence.

Principle 3: Listening to them and validating them — honoring and respecting their right to be who they are — is what most people need most. 

Listening to someone validates their intrinsic worth. Listening without giving advice is a great gift and remember being an active listener is more than just nodding and repeating what they say. A good listener is also a good question-asker. You can often help someone figure out what they need to change on their own by just asking questions that help them look at the problem from different perspectives. The most powerful way to help another person is to empower them to help themselves.

Principle 4: The person to whom this challenge belongs — the one who is in the class — is the only one entitled to inspiration about his or her situation. 

You may have been in a similar situation but that doesn’t mean your right answer is the right answer for them. They are the only one who will know which path is their perfect journey, so don’t forget this and presume to know better.

As a life coach, I have learned most people already know the answers to their problems, they just don’t trust themselves. They are hoping we will tell them what they already know to quiet their fears of being wrong. Don't let them use you as a crutch. It doesn't serve them. Keep asking questions about what they think and feel until they own their inner truth. This technique also leaves room for their inner guidance to direct them. All the answers they need God and the universe will provide. If they aren’t getting the answer yet, they may not be ready for it, or they may still have lessons to learn in this place.

When they are ready and if you are the right teacher for this lesson, you may feel prompted to share and give advice, but make sure you use the fifth principle first.

Principle 5: Always ask permission before you share your story, give advice, make suggestions or tell someone what you think. 

This makes a person feel honored and respected, and it means they really are open to hear you. Never tell another person anything unless you have asked permission to go there first.

A permission question may sound like:

• “Would you be open to another perspective on this?”
• "Would you be open to an observation?"
• “Would you be open to a little advice or would you just like me to be here and listen?”
• “Would you be willing to let me share a couple ideas?”

Then wait for a yes.

If they say no, respect that. Respecting how they feel this time will build a relationship of trust where they will be more likely to trust you next time. Parents, your teens will feel respected when you honor their "no" and they will respect you more back.

Principle 6: Use more "I" statements than "you" statements. People tend to get offended when you start with "you do this" or "you have a tendency to ..." It goes over much better when you say "I have found that when I …” Speak to what you personally know and feel instead of making statements about them.

Principle 7: Focus more on future behavior than past behavior. People get defensive and frustrated when you talk about their past bad behavior because they can’t change it. Instead, focus on their future behavior because that they have control over. “Would you consider in the future, moving forward, working on … ?” “Do you think moving forward it might help to … ?” Also notice how phrasing suggestions as questions delivers them in a softer way.

Principle 8: Base any advice you give on principles of truth. Here are some basic truths which help people to see themselves and their situation more accurately. Most people know these, but they forget them in times of crisis when they are emotional or scared.

Life truths:

• Life is classroom and every experience a lesson.
• You are here to learn, grow and love.
• Nothing you do or think and nothing anyone else does or thinks can diminish you.
• Your value is infinite and absolute.
• Your life’s journey is the perfect classroom for you, for one reason or another.
• Fear is the root cause of every problem.
• The way we escape fear is by choosing trust and love.
• Love means seeing people as the same as you.
• Love means choosing to give validation to others instead of being focused on getting validation. This doesn’t mean you give them what they want, it means you value who they are.
• All bad behavior is a request for love or attention.
• Love is almost always the answer to every problem.
• Sometimes this means loving others, but sometimes it means loving yourself.
• Reminding someone of these truths is a good place to start after you ask permission to talk, and you cannot lead them astray if you focus on principles.

Principle 9: Recognize when professional help is needed. If someone is dealing with addiction, mental illness, depression or any other serious crisis situation, you must refer them to a mental health professional, counselor, therapist or doctor. If you aren’t sure whether a professional is appropriate, err on the side of caution and recommend it anyway.

You can do this.