Coach Kim: Doing the right thing with COVID-19 when others won't

This was first published on KSL.COM
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Question:

As the holidays approach, I'm feeling deep uncertainty about having family come to visit. We have managed to social distance visit for most of the summer, taking advantage of strictly outdoor, socially distanced visits. With the colder seasons upon us, I feel like physical visits from family outside our home should stop since we cannot be outside for extended periods of time. I know it's the holiday season, but I just do not feel like it's worth it to get together. The problem I face is that I'm feeling pressure from family members to continue to see each other. Even though we have done visits safely all summer, these holiday events would be face-to-face within our home. Masks would not be worn, and it would not be possible to social distance. It seems reckless to me to observe the holidays in typical fashion during a pandemic. How can I maintain the peace and show respect but also keep pandemic boundaries?

Answer:

In this situation, it sounds like you are going to have to be the bad guy, put your foot down and insist that the family do the right thing and cancel the parties, even if it means having family members angry with you. How do you feel about this? For many people, this is a difficult and scary proposition to share their views in face of opposition.

There are also people who have no problem being the bad guy and sharing their opinion. They think it is easy and struggle to understand why some people can't do it. If you are this type of person (fear of loss dominant, meaning you fear things not being right more than you fear judgment) please understand that for other people (fear of failure dominant, meaning your core fear is inadequacy and feeling not good enough) this is extremely difficult and takes great courage.

There will be many times in life when you will need to enforce a boundary, share an opposing opinion, or deliver bad news in the face of disapproval from people you care about. It is important for you to identify what you are so afraid of before you can beat the fear. See which of these fears resonates with you:

• You fear conflict because you have never learned how to handle it in a strong and loving way.
• You are deeply afraid you aren't good enough. Facing judgment or criticism from others feels like it might prove you aren't enough, and you just can't handle the shame.
• You think you need approval from other people to feel safe in the world. You might be needy for validation, and being disliked might feel like the end of the world to you.
• You hate pushing your agenda or idea onto others because you are afraid of looking conceited, arrogant, bossy or selfish. Looking selfish feels like the ultimate confirmation that you are a bad person. You subconsciously think it's better to please others and sacrifice yourself.
• You aren't comfortable being the leader or making the decisions for a group because you would then be responsible for the outcome. You feel more comfortable letting others lead and prefer to stay in the background.

Can you own which fears are in play for you? It may be all of them. Can you see how this fear is probably holding you back or causing problems in your relationships?

Here are some tips and tricks to help you stand strong and share your views:

1. Take a minute and make sure you know what your opinion is and what outcome you want to happen. You may want to do some research and make sure you feel grounded in your opinion. Commit to yourself that you will not be moved from that stand. Tell yourself why your reasons feel right to you. Commit that, in the end, the other person can disagree but you won't change your mind about what's right for you.
2. Ask around and see if anyone else agrees with your ideas and would take this stand with you. Having one other person on your side would help make you braver.
3. Consider how you can state your opinion in the fewest words possible. Don't overexplain, just state the facts. "We have decided not to attend any family gatherings this year because of the pandemic." No other explanation or details are necessary. Fewer words actually give the other person less to argue about. If they try to change your mind, repeat your same brief statement again. They will quickly realize that is all they are getting.
4. Use "I" statements instead of "you" statements. Say things like, "I feel that the right thing to do is follow the directives given us and not gather this year. In my opinion, it is reckless to gather when lives are at stake. I don't want to put my family at risk." Notice that this is less confrontational than saying "You shouldn't do this" or "No one should be doing this." Just speak for yourself.
5. Consider sending your message by text or email to avoid face-to-face conflict. They may still judge you, but you won't have to deal with them trying to change your mind.
6. Choose to be bulletproof from any poison arrows of judgment or criticism. Imagine yourself with a rubber force field around you. Any negativity or insults bounce right off and can't hurt you. Make sure you don't pick them up later and figuratively stab yourself with them. Leave them on the ground. They can't hurt you without your participation.
7. Doing the right thing for you is not selfish; it is wise and healthy. Setting boundaries and doing what is best for you does not make you selfish, even if the other parties involved think that you are. Maintaining a healthy balance in life is about loving other people and yourself at the same time. This means half the time it is vital that you are taking care of yourself. If you don't, you will soon have nothing to give.
8. Remember that no matter what others think or say about you, you still have the same intrinsic worth as every other person on the planet. Your worth is safe and cannot change. It's impossible to be "not good enough." If you choose, the opinions of other people can be nothing more to you than wispy thoughts that exist in their heads. These thoughts have no power and can't do anything or mean anything to you. You are totally safe. There is nothing to fear.
9. This opportunity to overcome your fears and share your views is your perfect classroom journey or it wouldn't be here. You and the other people involved will all learn the lessons you need from this experience. Allow the universe to be in charge of what happens next and trust that it is serving everyone in some way.
10. Be proud of yourself and your courage to do what is right even in the face of opposition. This should be celebrated.

You are correct that the right thing to do this year is to avoid large family or other gatherings. The smart thing to do is to follow the guidelines from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention when you celebrate the holidays, which include keeping gatherings small or avoiding them altogether. There will be unexpected blessings and discoveries that come from this unusual more isolated holiday season. Be open to seeing this situation as an unexpected blessing instead of a loss. How you feel about it is completely driven by your perspective.

You can do this.