Question:
I struggle with self-esteem because of my weight. In this world, heavy people are less valuable than thin people. That’s just how it is. Do you have any advice that would make me feel better about myself despite being overweight? Answer: It may be true that “the world” values thin people more than overweight people, but that doesn’t mean you have to. You have the power to decide how you will value yourself. You have the power to choose your self-esteem. Everytime I say that on KSL though, someone disagrees with me and says it’s not that easy, that they can't just choose to feel better. So I want to set the record straight on this — you're right, it's not that easy, but it is the only thing that works, and you must do it if you want to feel better. You must take control of your thinking. The power to choose your attitude and state of mind is the one power no one can take from you. We learned this from Victor Frankl during World War II. "We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances." You can deny that you have this power (and many people do) but no one can take it from you. If you let the way other people value you affect how you value yourself, it is your fault, because you don’t have to. You can reclaim the power to value yourself accurately for who you really are, instead of just how you look. You can choose to love yourself exactly as you are right now and reject false standards of worth. You can replace limiting beliefs with principles of truth. Some of these principles are below in bold. Your waist size doesn’t have anything to do with who you are, and it definitely doesn’t determine your value. Who you are is your character, your values, your talents, your faults, your weaknesses, your goodness, your individuality, your spirit and your love. You are much more than your weight. Your value comes from the fact that you are an irreplaceable, one-of-a-kind, incomparable human soul and the offspring of deity. Your value is therefore infinite and absolute and is not on the line. Your value is not on the line because life is a classroom, not a testing center. You are here to learn and grow, not prove your worth. You are the same amazing, unique you, no matter what you do or how you look. Your weight has nothing to do with who you are. You can adopt these universal truths by just repeating them often. All you have to do in any moment is choose to believe and embrace these truths instead of the negative thoughts you've been letting run amok in your head. Here are some other ways you can start valuing yourself accurately: 1) Keep a journal, and when you are feeling inferior because of your weight, write down what triggered those thoughts. Write down the belief, the rule or assumption behind those thoughts. Write down how you could change your mind and think about yourself more accurately. How can you use your power to choose your state of mind to feel strong, beautiful, valuable and safe? 2) Poor body image is the result of rules you subconsciously made and still believe. Rules like (thin people are better than fat people) or (no one will love me if I’m overweight). These limiting beliefs are just not accurate. When you meet people that prove these rules aren’t accurate, take the time to write about them in your journal. There are lots of talented, successful, valuable people with good self-esteem who are overweight. Oprah is a great example. Oprah doesn’t base her value on her weight. She knows she is much more than that. Writing about these people will help debunk those limiting beliefs and replace them with truth. 3) Practice choosing trust. Trust your value is infinite and absolute and not on the line because life is a classroom, not a testing center. You are here to learn and love. You are good enough right now. Trust that who you are is your love for life, yourself and others. Choose to focus more on loving other people than getting their approval. Love is the most powerful way to eliminate fear in any moment. When you focus on love, your fears disappear. 4) Focus on being healthy, not thin. Most of your body shape is genetic. You inherited your physical body shape from your ancestors (bless their souls) and you cannot escape those genes. Focus on taking care of yourself and staying healthy and stop trying to be something you're not. 5) Eat healthy food all the time instead of going on and off a diet. Eat healthy because you value yourself and your health, not because you're trying to earn approval from other people. Their approval is irrelevant. You don’t need it. Self-esteem is about what you (yourself) think. Focus on your goodness. 6) Find a form of exercise that you love to do. Don’t let exercise become torture. Make it a fun part of your full and enjoyable life. Stay active doing things you love to do. 7) Learn how to buy and wear clothes that flatter your figure. Watch TLC’s "What not to Wear," they give you simple rules for dressing a full-figure body on most episodes. If you learn how to shop for the right clothes and dress appropriately, it will make a difference in how you feel. 8) Focus on how you treat people. In the end, people care more about how you treat them than how you look. People are attracted to your personality, talents, weaknesses, strengths, kindness, character, humor and love — all these things are who you are. Be someone who makes others feel loved and valued everywhere you go, and your self-esteem will improve fast. 9) Smile. According to Search Your Love, 67 percent of single men and 78 percent of single women find someone who smiles a bigger turn-on than someone who is thin. Decide today to consciously take charge of your inner state. In every moment, choose to value yourself accurately. It takes some practice, but you can do it. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a life coach and speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem.
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Question:
I have started dating, but every relationship has been a train wreck. I seem to attract people with problems. I have spent most of my life case managing my ex-wife, children and a lot of strays. Any suggestions to help me break this cycle? Answer: It sounds like you may be slightly co-dependent. To find out, ask yourself the following questions: Do you often end up with needy people or “project” people in your life? Do you put other people’s happiness before your own? Do you feel like it’s your responsibility to make sure everyone is happy? Do you need a lot of external validation to feel “good enough”? Do you worry about what others think of you? Do you need a relationship to feel good about yourself? Do you put up with bad behavior longer than you should? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be, at least to some degree, co-dependent. You are in good company, because a lot of people (in this state) have been socially programmed to behave this way. Many believe that sacrificing yourself for others, and putting their needs before yours, makes you righteous. They believe this behavior is “Christ-like” and loving, but it often enables bad behavior and doesn't serve anyone. It is noble on occasion to make sacrifices (because you love someone) and do things for them. But, and this is a big BUT, if you sacrifice yourself all the time (because you need the other person’s approval, or you get a sense of worth from doing it) — you aren’t doing it for the right reasons. You are behaving this way to get what you need (approval) not because it’s what they need. This is a problem. Sometimes you must tell people things they don’t want to hear because it’s the truth and they need to hear it. Sometimes the most loving behavior isn’t nice and doesn’t make others happy. Sometimes you must choose to love yourself and do what’s right for you because you are just as important as these “other people” are. You must have wisdom and balance when it comes to how much you give if you want to create healthy relationships. You must not carry responsibility for other people’s problems and feelings. They aren’t your job. You must stop being nice if it means being a doormat. You must be confident and know who you are and not “need” someone else’s approval to validate your worth. You must be an independent, strong person who wants someone to love, but doesn’t need them to feel complete. You must recognize “neediness” and co-dependence and understand where it comes from. Here are some important principles of human behavior: 1 — Almost all human behavior is driven by a fear of not being good enough or a fear of abandonment or loss. 2 — Most people spend their whole life trying to accomplish things, get approval, or in some other way quiet these fears. 3 — They also expect other people to fill their empty bucket, and if you are the kind of person (who feels fulfilled giving that kind of validation to others) they will find you. They are attracted to people who give too much. 4 — This giving behavior will often get taken for granted. They may also take advantage of your fear (and willingness to give too much) and walk all over you. In the end, they won’t respect you and you will feel bitter and angry because they don’t appreciate what you did for them. Does this sound familiar? I want you to understand that they don’t appreciate what you do because they can tell that everything you do is fear motivated and is about you. You do these nice things because you need validation. This means you are doing these things for yourself, not them. They can also, subconsciously, feel your fear about your own value and this makes them see you as weak and not respect you. You can break this cycle by getting accurate about your value, who you are and what your responsibilities are. Here are some more principles of human behavior that may help you escape your subconscious tendency to give too much: 1 — You must get your sense of self-worth from inside yourself. You must know that your value is infinite and absolute because of the divine, irreplaceable, incomparable nature of your soul. Nothing you do, or don’t do, changes your value. Nothing anyone thinks about you can diminish you. You don’t need anyone else’s approval to know you are good enough. You must choose to see yourself this way. You must choose to see yourself as bulletproof. Your self-esteem is your job and you must see yourself accurately. 2 — You must understand that life is a classroom, not a testing center. You are here to learn and grow. You are not here to prove your value. Every experience in your life is a lesson and every person is a teacher. When you see your life this way, you will see it with less fear and drama. 3 — Everyone else is on their perfect classroom journey, too. Their choices and their experiences are creating important lessons they need to learn. If they make poor choices they need to take responsibility for those choices so they can own the lessons. You must let each person own their own life. 4 — If you (even subconsciously) feel responsible for another person (to make them happy or solve their problems) they will be more than happy to hand over responsibility for their problems to you. That won’t serve either of you. 5 — In each situation, you must get clear about what is in your control and what your responsibilities really are. You must let other people be responsible for their own feelings, their own self-esteem, their own choices and their own problems. You can love them, but you can’t fix them. It’s not your job. You must work on your own self-esteem so you don’t need their approval anymore. That is your job. You may need to work with a counselor or coach to make this happen. When you learn to escape your fears and live in clarity (seeing yourself and other people accurately), you will attract a whole different type of person. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem. Question:
I have been divorced for 21 years and I am not sure how to date anymore. I gave up dating to raise my kids. What do I do to put myself out there and start dating again? It’s a terrifying idea and I could use some advice. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone. Answer: Dating only feels scary because you lack confidence, but you can gain confidence through changing your mindset around the whole thing. I know how to do this because I’ve been in your shoes. I was lost in the single’s scene only three years ago. The whole things was outside my comfort zone and I was leery about rejection, which is an unavoidable part of the experience. I wasn’t sure my self-esteem could handle it. Almost everyone experiences these kinds of fears around dating. There is no other activity (except maybe looking for a job or selling something) that brings as many opportunities to experience your deepest darkest fear — that you might not be good enough. The good news is, you can overcome this fear. Dating doesn’t have to be scary or painful at all. When you change the way you see yourself, the whole experience will change dramatically. You probably have two inaccurate perceptions about yourself that must be corrected right now: 1. You think your value is on the line. You fear rejection because you think it means something relative to your value. It doesn’t. Just because a few people aren’t interested in dating you doesn’t change your value. You are the same good person whether they like you or not. You can choose to experience rejection as a self-esteem crushing experience if you want to, but you don’t have to. You can choose to see yourself as bulletproof and trust that nothing can diminish you. You can choose to trust that your value isn’t on the line and, therefore, there is nothing to fear. 2. You think what other people think of you matters. It doesn’t. You are the same you no matter what anyone else thinks. Their opinions can’t change you or diminish you in any way, unless you let them. You must not give this destructive fear any power over you anymore. When you can see these two things clearly you will have a healthier mindset for dating. Review the following points often (like, every day) to maintain a clear, accurate mindset: Clarity mindset for dating
I asked my husband why he was attracted to me when we first met at a single adult activity. He said my confidence is what set me apart. Confidence (a lack of fear) is very attractive. If you show up this way you will experience less rejection. When you choose to focus on edifying others and making friends (and you stop worrying about yourself and your fears), it will become a fun and uplifting experience. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the president of Claritypoint Life Coaching. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing self-esteem. Listen to her Self Esteem CPR Workshop at www.claritypointcoaching.com Question:
I’ve had a really rough last 10 years. Everything that could go wrong has. I know it looks like I’m not performing very well from the outside but, all things considered, it’s a miracle I’m doing as well as I am. People here in Utah have been very quick to pass judgment on me. I don’t feel much compassion or understanding in regards to my situation. People think they know me and judge me, but they have no idea what a good person I actually am. How do I stay positive in spite of this? Answer: Unfortunately, judging other people is an innate tendency in all of us, but you can learn to see yourself and other people more clearly, understand their behavior better and totally change the way you let their judgments affect you. Here are some principles to help you do that. Principle 1: When other people judge you, understand that it’s not really about you. It’s about their fears. We, as human beings, have a tendency to focus on the bad in other people because it subconsciously makes us feel better about ourselves. Sometimes we focus on (perceived) bad in other people because we want to help them change, because that would make us feel better about ourselves, too. I want you to understand how and why people do this so you can see their behavior accurately (for what it really is). When you can see it is about their need to feel better, it won't hurt you anymore. I want you to understand that their bad behavior (self-righteous judging) is about their fears about their own value. It is not about you. People around here have a lot of fears about not being good enough. They believe they have to be nearly perfect to be okay. Their unrealistically high standards can produce a lot of fear, and they often project these fears onto you. I wish I could repair their self-esteem and take away their fears, so they had the capacity to be more loving and accepting, but I can’t. So, we are going to have to change the way you experience their inaccurate judgments instead. Principle 2: What other people think of you doesn’t really mean anything. Because they think it doesn’t make it true. What they think doesn’t change who you are, either. It doesn’t take away from your value. It doesn’t do anything. It is absolutely meaningless. You are the same you, no matter what they think. This means there is nothing to fear, and if there is nothing to fear, then you shouldn’t let it bother you. Principle 3: They don’t really know who you are, where you’ve been and what you’ve been through. I was walking very slowly down my street yesterday, dressed in workout clothes. A man came jogging towards me from the other direction. As he passed me, he laughed and said in a nasty tone “You’re going to have to pick up the pace, to get any benefit from being out here.” He was making fun of me because he thought my slow walking was my workout, and he actually felt the need to tell me I wasn’t doing it right. What he didn’t know, and couldn’t know, was that I had just finished a three-mile run and was walking slow to cool down. His snide remark didn’t hurt me though, because I knew the truth about myself. I knew that I was doing the right thing for me, in that moment. There are many times in life where you (and God) are the only ones who know the truth about your situation, and sometimes that has to be enough. You know the truth about who you are. Hold onto that. You get to decide how you will value yourself. Don’t give that power away to anyone else. Own your goodness and claim your value. Claim it so tightly that no person and no situation can ever take it away from you again. Principle 3: Where you have been was a location on your journey, it is not who you are. Life is like a road trip. You may spend days driving through Texas, you may even get a flat tire and get stuck there for a while. But that doesn’t change who you are. It doesn’t make you Texan. Texas is just a location on your journey. You will also go through some rough times in life, you may even get stuck there for a while, but that rough period doesn’t define who you are. It is an experience or location on your journey, it isn’t you. The rough times in your past don’t make you a bad person. They were interesting learning experiences you had. Your good heart and your love for God and other people is who you are. You can’t let any situation or location in your past define who you are. Principle 4: What others think of you is none of your business. It is a waste of your energy to spend one minute worrying about it. Instead, spend your time focused on loving people, working hard and being the best, real you. Worrying about what other people think of you is a hard habit to break, especially when you’ve been doing it your whole life, but you can do it. Remember and review these principles of truth. Write them on cards and post them around your house. Repeat them over and over until your subconscious mind gets it. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a life coach and speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem. Question:
I have a friend (for lack of better word) who was really mean to me back in college. She talked behind my back, stole some of my things and never really apologized. I still see her at weddings, reunions and sometimes just around town. I'm normally a confident person, but as soon as I spot her my heart drops down into my stomach and I shrivel into myself. Last time I anticipated seeing her, I got so nervous I could hardly eat. Why does she have this strange power over me, and how can I get past it? Answer: She only has power over you because you are letting her have it. Your subconscious mind thinks you are unsafe around this person. It sees her as a threat, the same way it might react to a grizzly bear. You literally feel threatened and in danger around her. You can take back your power by just changing the way you see yourself. When you learn to see yourself accurately, you will feel safe in any situation. Right now, you see her as a threat because you (inaccurately) believe that you can be hurt or diminished. Your subconscious mind thinks her opinion of you means something (that if they think something negative, it might be true). All of these assumptions are false. Other people can think you are a horrible, stupid, terrible, ugly person, and it won’t change who you actually are. You are the same you no matter what anyone thinks. There is no reason to feel threatened by anyone, because in reality they can’t hurt you. What they think of you should not influence or change the way you feel about yourself. When you know (deep down) that you are amazing, whole, bulletproof and good enough, right now, the fear you experience around this person will disappear. You need to understand how bulletproof, amazing and safe you really are. Your value is never on the line. Your life is a classroom, and you are an irreplaceable, one-of-a-kind soul on a journey of learning and growth. Your value is not in question. Your value is infinite and absolute. This means that nothing anyone says or does can change your value. Nothing you do (or don’t do) can take away from it. Are you getting this? You are exactly who you are meant to be right now. You are right where you are supposed to be on your unique journey of growth. You are literally un-diminishable and no one can hurt you. That is, no one can hurt you or make you feel small without your permission. If they are “making you feel" less than good, it is because you are afraid you are less than good. You are the one seeing yourself that way. If you weren’t afraid of them, their opinions wouldn’t have the power to hurt you. You must choose to see yourself as strong, valuable and good enough. You must know this as truth so firmly that no person or situation can take that knowledge away from you. No matter what they do, say or think about you, you are still the same you. There are three things you can practice that will change how you feel in these situations: 1. Practice knowing the truth about who you are and see yourself accurately. Choose to see yourself as bulletproof, infinitely and absolutely valuable. Choose to feel safe in this moment (and every moment) because no one can really hurt you. 2. Practice seeing the other person accurately. Choose to see this person as a scared, struggling human being in process, just like you. Understand that most people’s bad behavior is driven by a fear that they aren’t good enough. This means that their bad behavior is about their fear about themselves — it isn’t about you. When someone behaves badly toward you, step back from it and choose to see the fear that is driving their behavior. They will often make you out as the bad guy so they can feel better about themselves. Don’t take this personally. Just because they think it’s true doesn’t make it true. When you choose to see this person accurately, you will have more compassion and wisdom. You will see that their bad behavior is really a request for love — all bad behavior is. Decide to love her instead of fearing her. 3. Practice forgiving, by choosing love. Forgiving is really about seeing the situation accurately so it doesn’t hurt you anymore. Forgiving is about choosing love over fear. If you feel threatened, intimidated or less than someone else, you can change the way you feel, in an instant, by choosing to love that person instead. When you choose to focus on brotherly love and compassion for this person and even give them love and validation (even though they don't seem to need it) all your fear will disappear. This is a universal principle of truth: You cannot experience love and fear at the same time. Choose to focus on love and, I promise, you will not only eliminate your fear, you will also feel powerful, strong and fantastic about who you are. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing self esteem and restoring hope. Question:
I know that my spouse loves me, but he and our children don't respect me. I am getting fed up with the disrespectful way they treat me. I ask them to treat me differently, but nothing really changes. My children make fun of me (in a teasing way) but it makes me feel bad. Telling them to stop isn’t working. Is there anything else I can do? Answer: There are a few things you can do to earn their respect, but you must first figure out why this is happening. Here are some possible reasons for this behavior: 1) You treat them with disrespect Do you treat your family in a kind respectful way? Do you honor their thoughts and feelings? Do you listen to them? Do you validate their ideas and opinions? Respect is something that must be earned. If you want someone to respect you, you must first respect them. 2) You don’t express your love for them If your spouse doesn’t feel loved or safe with you, this can cause him to lose respect for you as a person. Respect and love go together. Do you express your love physically and verbally to your spouse? 3) You have self-esteem issues This is a critical one. If you don’t respect yourself, believe in yourself and accurately value who you are, no one else will, either. If you doubt your decisions, worry too much about what others think of you and generally put your needs last, this could be the reason. 4) Your spouse has self-esteem issues If your spouse or children have self-esteem issues (which most people do) they may be over-compensating for their fears by making fun of you or putting you down. This, unfortunately, is a common tendency. Are they picking on you so they can feel powerful or superior? This ego-based, bully behavior should not be tolerated. Things you can do to earn more respect: 1) Treat your family with respect. Make sure you ask questions and listen to how others think and feel. Make sure you honor and respect your family members' right to think and feel the way they do. You must honor their free agency and let them make their own choices (as much as possible). Don’t try to control them. Don’t use force, coercion or threats. Encourage them and point out the goodness in their character often. People respect people who treat them right. 2) Express love for them with confidence. Look for ways to show your family members you love them (but don’t just say the words). Take the golden rule a little further and determine your husband and children's love languages. Make sure you love them the way they want to be loved, not the way you want to be loved. Give, love and edify them (from a place of strength and confidence) and they will respect you. If you give, serve and love them (from a place of fear) because you need their approval, they won’t respect you. This kind of giving is about getting what you need, it is not about them. 3) Work on your self-esteem. Your spouse, children and friends are not responsible for giving you self-worth. You are. You must learn to value yourself. You must honor and respect yourself and ask for what you want and need. No one else is going to take care of you if you don’t. You must trust that you are good enough right now. People with good self-esteem have a strong sense of their place in the world. They understand who they are and why they are here. They trust that they are good enough right now. (If you struggle with this, a counselor or coach could help you change your thinking.) Constantly work on improving yourself, growing and learning. People who are learning new things and developing their talents have a better sense of self-worth. Speak your truth in a loving way. Stand up for yourself without being emotional or dramatic. Drama queens (who play the victim role and beg to be loved) do not earn anyone’s respect. You must handle yourself with confidence. You must keep your emotions and fears under control. You must not lose your temper or cry over small things. This is immature behavior. Working on yourself is the most important thing you can do to improve your relationships. 4) Do not allow others to mistreat you. You should not tolerate disrespect, mistreatment or abuse in any form. You must not allow others to ignore, threaten, make fun of, control or lie to you. This kind of behavior is unacceptable. You deserve to be respected and treated with kindness. You deserve to be listened to and have your thoughts and feelings validated, even if others don’t agree with them. Your family members can also express their viewpoints, but they must do it in a way that doesn’t belittle you or anyone else. You must handle these situations in a strong, mature, confident way. Remember, you are not at risk here. Even if they disrespect you, other people cannot diminish who you are. Your value is infinite and absolute. You have the same value regardless of what others think or say. When you remember this, you take away their power to hurt you. When you feel bulletproof, you will handle these situations with much less fear and emotion. You should refuse to discuss anything unless spoken to with respect. You could physically remove yourself, therefore taking away their opportunity to disrespect you. You can kindly ask people to treat you better and refuse to deal with them until they do. Obviously this is not an easy fix, and it will take some practice — but you can do it. When you change how you feel about yourself and your behavior, people will treat you differently. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing confidence and building self-esteem. Question:
I don't feel like I am really able to open up to people and make emotional connections and attachments anymore. I am extremely self-conscious and have very few close friends and family. What can I do to help myself open up and make those connections again? Answer: It sounds like you suffer from social anxiety, a psychological condition where one experiences intense fear and discomfort in social situations. People who suffer from this disorder are especially worried about what others think of them. They are overly focused on avoiding rejection, embarrassment or looking bad. Does this sound like you? Your fear of rejection will disappear when you realize that rejection doesn’t mean what you think it means. Rejection only feels dangerous because you have attached meaning to the experience. Your subconscious mind says, “If other people think I’m stupid, inferior or worthless, that must mean I am.” This is not accurate. In reality, rejection doesn’t mean anything, except that these people have issues with putting others down so they can feel bigger. It says more about them than it does about you. If these people really do judge you or think less of you — if they have a need to reject others to make everyone else the bad guy — to feel good about themselves, making them the good guy, this is their problem and not yours. It has nothing to do with you. You are the same you, no matter what these people think about you. Nothing they think or say about you can diminish who you are. Your value is infinite and absolute because you are an amazing, one-of-a-kind, incomparable soul. Your value is never on the line. You are bulletproof. There is nothing to be afraid of. Rejection doesn’t mean anything. It only has power over you if you let it. You can take risks, meet people and start conversations with no fear whatsoever about your value, because you cannot be diminished by anything you say or do. You will be the same you regardless. Nothing can diminish who you are. Besides, to be this focused on yourself is out of harmony with being your highest, best self. Being this self-conscious is actually selfish. All fear is. Fear is about you. When you are experiencing fear about your own value, you cannot pay attention to or love anyone else. You are not capable of love because all you can see is you. This behavior is not consistent with who you really are. You are a loving being and it is your true nature to lift, serve and care about others. People who are comfortable in social situations are usually more focused on caring about, lifting and loving other people. They understand their value isn’t on the line, so they don't have to worry about themselves. They will often ask questions about other people and let them do most of the talking. Asking questions and listening is a powerful way to make people feel valued. It is also safer. You are less likely to say the wrong thing when you are mostly just listening. Social anxiety can be overcome. You can change the subconscious program that creates these fears by consciously choosing to trust in your value and love other people. When you start to experience fear, run through the following principles in your mind. You will be amazed at the difference this makes.
Overcoming this fear will be a process. Take your time and ease into it. You are right on track in your process of growth. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought-after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in self-esteem and overcoming fear. Question:
After my wife died, I admit, I had some bad years. I dated a lot of women and went a little crazy. About two years ago, I got myself back together and apologized to my children for my behavior. The problem is my daughter hasn't forgiven me. She will not even talk to me. How can I fix this, what can I do? Answer: I’m afraid there isn’t a lot you can do as far as making her forgive you. As you know, people can be very stubborn when mad. For many people, staying mad is their way of having control over the person who hurt them. Casting you as the bad guy is giving her a sense of control and power. We all have a subconscious tendency to cast other people as the bad guy so we can feel like the good guy (a position of superiority). We do this to quiet our fears around not being good enough. The more we focus on the bad in others, the easier it is to overlook our own faults. When someone latches onto a story, which casts you as the bad guy, they really want to be right about this story. They will spend a lot of time and energy gathering proof about how “bad” you are, whether it’s accurate or not. Letting go of the story (and forgiving you) would feel like losing, and people are not real eager to lose. Most people would rather ruin relationships and even be miserable than let go of their need to be right. A principle is that people often care more about being right than being happy. This need to be right is deeply ingrained in all of us. We even attach our value (as human beings) to being right about the opinions, ideas and stories we’ve created. This ties the experience of being wrong with literally feeling worthless. Many people do not have the confidence and self-esteem to handle being wrong. So they are not open to changing their minds. Understanding these tendencies of human nature will help you to see this situation accurately. You must understand that this behavior is more about her fear than it is about you being bad. Having said that, there are some things you can do that will make it more difficult to cast you as the bad guy and may give her the opportunity to forgive and maintain her ego’s need to be right too. 1. Look for opportunities to be kind, regardless of her behavior back. Keep being kind no matter how she reacts. Do this not because she deserves it but because it is the kind of person you have decided to be. Whatever you do, do not behave badly back. This is what her ego is hoping you will do so that she will have more proof about how bad you are. Stay commited to kindness. 2. Don’t act hurt or offended by her inability to forgive you. Don’t say anything about it or make jokes about her disapproval of you. This will humiliate her and will only add fuel to the fire. 3. Don’t hold a grudge about her holding a grudge. That will get you nowhere. Choose to behave in a loving way. Trust that forgiveness will come when she is ready. This gives her room to change her mind about you without sacrificing her pride. She can slowly start acting normal toward you again without any fanfare. (In other words, don’t make her apologize for not forgiving you. Let her just change her mind like it’s no big deal.) 4. Remember that life is a classroom. This experience is in your life to teach you something. Being made the bad guy is an interesting part of the human condition. What is this experience showing you about yourself? What is it here to teach you? You may learn some amazing lessons about the nature of forgiveness through this experience. It may be an opportunity to see yourself more accurately. Figure out what you are supposed to learn, and the lesson may end sooner. 5. Remember that bad behavior is more about the other person’s fears about themselves than it is about you. Most bad behavior is actually a plea for love and validation. Look for opportunities to validate her thoughts and feelings. Say things like, “I totally understand how you could feel that way.” You are not agreeing, just honoring her right to be where she is. Keep showing her kindness and respect her views. 6. Forgive her for not forgiving you. You can’t ask her to do something you’re not willing to do, so you must forgive first. She is doing the best she can with what she knows. Forgive her for not understanding the power of forgiveness in her life yet. 7. Accept the fact that she may not forgive you. Make a decision to be happy, loving, strong and stable, whether you get redeemed from your past or not. You are the same you either way. You know who you are, and sometimes that has to be enough. I hope this helps. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. Question:
I've had a bad week. I keep making dumb mistakes and wasting my time and money. I'm not usually like this, but lately, I keep doing dumb things. Any advice that would help me get it together? Answer: I have certain philosophies about life you will hear me expound on quite often. One of those happens to be the idea that everything happens for a reason. I don't believe in accidents. I believe life is a classroom — every experience is a lesson, and every person in your life is a teacher. But there are days when it's difficult to figure out what you're supposed to be learning. I had a day like that last week. I got up at 4 a.m. for my Monday "LIFEadvice" segment on KSL TV. It is morning show protocol that when I arrive at the station, I call my producer to come let me in. (When you arrive at night there's no one at the front desk.) When I told her I was there, her response was, "Why are you here?" "What do you mean why am I here? It's Monday. I'm here to do my segment." "But you aren't scheduled for today." She explained they were planning on me next Monday and I had gotten the days mixed up. They didn't have the segment slotted today and couldn't use me. She also explained that last week when she had said she wanted to move my segment from 6:15am to 5:45am, she had meant only that week — not forever. I had assumed she meant forever, so I had arrived extra early too. (Knowing that you got out of bed at a ridiculous hour in the morning for nothing is a little frustrating!) Usually when frustrating things happen I calm myself down with thoughts like, "I wonder why this experience showed up in my life?" "What am I supposed to learn from this?" This is my way of trusting that I'm always where I'm supposed to be. This philosophy makes life more peaceful. It would comfort me to believe I was supposed to get the dates mixed up for some interesting reason, or that there was somethng I was supposed to learn from this frustrating experience. But in this case, I couldn't come up with any good reason for my stupid mistake (except maybe that I need to pay more attention). I was really bothered with myself for being so dumb. The funny part is, this isn't the end of the story. At 3:30 p.m. that day, I had a doctor's appointment to check the progress of my arm surgery last month. So I drove to 5300 South to the new IHC Medical Center. When I arrived, I checked in at the nurses' station and told them I was there to see the doctor. Their response was oddly familiar: "Why are you here?" "For my appointment." "We don't have you down today and the Doctor isn't even here. He is at the Avenues office today." Suddenly I remembered — when I'd made the appointment they told me I would have to go the Avenues office, but I hadn't written that part down in my iPad. It was too late to drive to the other office and still make it home in time for my next client. I would have to reschedule. Now, when you do something this dumb once a day, you can over look it. When you do it twice on the same day you have to wonder what's wrong with you. As I drove home, I pondered about why that day had turned out that way. Was there some reason for those experiences? Was there a lesson I needed to learn from this? A thought immediately came into my mind: "Some days you just get to experience stupid." It is one of the many of human conditions we get to experience on our journey through life. We each will get to experience feeling stupid on occasion (some of us more often than others), but there are interesting and important lessons we learn from these experiences. You may learn to be more patient with other people on their stupid days. You may learn to be less judgemental or self righteous on your smart days. You may need to take another look at how much you are trying to squeeze into a day. There are many lessons you can learn when you get a dose of your own stupid. The bottom line is — the stupid experience is good for us. Next time you get to experience stupid, see it for what it is. Don't waste time stressing about it, beating yourself up, complaining or ranting about it. Just sit back and feel it. Soak up the moment and really enjoy what the stupid experience feels like. See it as a lesson — not a reflection of your value. You are infinitely valuable and nothing you do or don't do could change that. Do not experience shame around this experience. Shame does you no good whatsoever. Shame is the feeling that you "should have already mastered everything." How ridiculous is that? If you had mastered everything, you wouldn't need to be here in the classroom of life. Embrace your less-than-brilliant moments. They only prove you're human like the rest of us. We are all struggling yet amazing, human beings in process, and every day is another lesson. Remember: You're not a stupid person ... you're just experiencing stupid today ... and some days are like that. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes Clarity: seeing yourself, others and situations accurately. In response to my last article, on putting your past behind you, I received the following question:
I have no problem putting the past behind me, but how do I convince others (i.e., employers, family) to leave my past in the past? Everything about our society —criminal records, credit scores, driving records, marriage and divorce records, property records, religious records — track our performance. Our society is built on the idea that your past defines you. So, how can I get people to give me another chance? Any advice? Answer: Most people won’t believe you’ve changed until they see a proven track record of better behavior. As a matter of fact, most people consider your past behavior the best predictor of your future behavior, so it can be hard to convince them you’ve changed. You can’t let that bother you. Your past is what it is and people will think what they're going to think. These things are out of your control. So, don’t waste time and energy worrying about them. It’s what you think (about yourself) that matters. The most powerful thing you have is your right to decide who you want to be today. You cannot change who you were yesterday, and each day is a chance to start over and re-invent yourself. If other people are unwilling to give you a second chance, that is none of your business. You are in the business of working on how you feel about you. This is the only thing you can do. As you gain confidence in yourself and let your past go, other people will feel this. When you know who you are, it changes how other people feel about you. If you believe in you, eventually others will too. This works. I know this from experience. If you read my story on ksl.com, you will find that my own past has been rather messy. Some people may question how I can be a life coach when my own life has been so problematic. I worried about how I would overcome my past mistakes, including two divorces, and garner the respect to be taken seriously. Would anyone listen to my advice? The one thing I had was confidence in myself. I knew what my past mistakes had taught me and what I, now, had to offer. I knew how the amazing things I had learned could help other people. Other people may have doubted my abilities based on my past track record, but I didn’t. I knew who I was. I genuinely own my past mistakes, but I do not hold onto shame or regret around them. I am grateful for my past because it helped me become who I am today. It served me and my process of becoming. Your life experiences have taught you some important lessons, too. They have made you wise and understanding. They have given you empathy and compassion. It is time for you to embrace these lessons and let go of the shame and regrets. If you can do this, over time, other people will too. Remember, confidence is extremely attractive. A confident person with a colorful past can actually interview better than an insecure candidate with a spotless past. A small business owner whose company failed knows a lot more than the candidate who never tried and never failed. That's because the man who failed knows what not to do. You will gain back the respect of other people when you own who you are today. If you show up with strength and confidence, other people will respect that. Don’t worry about the people who judge you. It’s what you think that matters. You can gain better self-esteem by working of these four things:
Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes Clarity: seeing life accurately and repairing self esteem. |
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AuthorKimberly Giles is the president and founder of Claritypoint Life Coaching and 12 SHAPES INC. She is an author and professional speaker. She was named one of the top 20 advice gurus in the country by Good Morning America in 2010. She appears regularly on local and national TV and Radio. Archives
March 2022
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