Convincing others you’ve changed

In response to my last article, on putting your past behind you, I received the following question:

I have no problem putting the past behind me, but how do I convince others (i.e., employers, family) to leave my past in the past? Everything about our society —criminal records, credit scores, driving records, marriage and divorce records, property records, religious records — track our performance. Our society is built on the idea that your past defines you. So, how can I get people to give me another chance? Any advice?

Answer:

Most people won’t believe you’ve changed until they see a proven track record of better behavior. As a matter of fact, most people consider your past behavior the best predictor of your future behavior, so it can be hard to convince them you’ve changed.

You can’t let that bother you.

Your past is what it is and people will think what they're going to think. These things are out of your control. So, don’t waste time and energy worrying about them.

It’s what you think (about yourself) that matters.

The most powerful thing you have is your right to decide who you want to be today. You cannot change who you were yesterday, and each day is a chance to start over and re-invent yourself.

If other people are unwilling to give you a second chance, that is none of your business. You are in the business of working on how you feel about you. This is the only thing you can do.

As you gain confidence in yourself and let your past go, other people will feel this. When you know who you are, it changes how other people feel about you.

If you believe in you, eventually others will too.

This works. I know this from experience.

If you read my story on ksl.com, you will find that my own past has been rather messy. Some people may question how I can be a life coach when my own life has been so problematic. I worried about how I would overcome my past mistakes, including two divorces, and garner the respect to be taken seriously. Would anyone listen to my advice?

The one thing I had was confidence in myself. I knew what my past mistakes had taught me and what I, now, had to offer. I knew how the amazing things I had learned could help other people.

Other people may have doubted my abilities based on my past track record, but I didn’t. I knew who I was.

I genuinely own my past mistakes, but I do not hold onto shame or regret around them. I am grateful for my past because it helped me become who I am today. It served me and my process of becoming.

Your life experiences have taught you some important lessons, too. They have made you wise and understanding. They have given you empathy and compassion. It is time for you to embrace these lessons and let go of the shame and regrets.

If you can do this, over time, other people will too.

Remember, confidence is extremely attractive. A confident person with a colorful past can actually interview better than an insecure candidate with a spotless past. A small business owner whose company failed knows a lot more than the candidate who never tried and never failed. That's because the man who failed knows what not to do.

You will gain back the respect of other people when you own who you are today. If you show up with strength and confidence, other people will respect that.

Don’t worry about the people who judge you.

It’s what you think that matters. 

You can gain better self-esteem by working of these four things:

1. Trust that your value is infinite and absolute. You are an irreplaceable, incomparable soul in the classroom of life, becoming better all the time. You are learning and growing daily, and you don’t have to be perfect to be perfectly on track. Choose to see yourself as bulletproof — you are the same you no matter what anyone else thinks.
2. Choose to focus more on loving, lifting and serving other people. Get the focus off you and your insecurities about your past, and focus on other people instead. You will like who you are.
3. Be more responsible for your life and your choices. Do the things you are accountable for and let the things out of your control go. Decide who you are going to be today. Own the power to change the course of your life and do it. Contact a credit repair company, a counselor or a coach and fix whatever is broken. Don't procrastinate doing what needs to be done to change things.
4. Increase your skill set and your ability to respond to life. Learn new communication and relationship skills, read books, keep learning and growing continually. The smarter you get, the better you feel.

I hope this helps. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes Clarity: seeing life accurately and repairing self esteem.