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How can person fight anxiety (without the use of medication) when they feel it coming on? I heard there was a way to change your thinking that might help. Can you explain how I can do that? Answer: First, let me clarify that the term “anxiety” can be used to describe a whole range of experiences, from just feeling overwhelmed to serious medical conditions. Anxiety can also be caused by a large number of factors — everything from genetic conditions, brain chemistry problems, substance abuse or just trying to do too much too fast. In this article I am addressing the more common, non-medical condition type. If you suffer from an anxiety disorder, you should talk to a medical professional for advice. The one commonality these anxiety experiences share is that they all get worse when you experience stress. Stress, by the way, is a fear problem. (I know some of my readers are bothered by the fact that I believe every problem is a fear problem, but I assure you it is. If you can't see that yet, keep looking at it.) Facing fear The next time you feel anxiety, ask yourself, “What am I afraid of?” You are either afraid of looking bad, being rejected and failing, or you are afraid of losing something (reputation, money, opportunities, etc.) Once you clearly define the fear, you can process your way out of it with better thinking. Learning how to think situations through in an accurate, positive way will make a huge difference, no matter what kind of anxiety you have (though some forms of anxiety will require medical or professional help along with better thinking). The fastest way to change your thinking is to choose trust in two truths that are the opposite of the two most common fears. The two most common fears that cause anxiety are:
The power of choices Remember: The one power you have in every situation is the power to choose your mindset. We learned this from Victor Frankl, a Viennese psychotherapist who was a prisoner in a Nazi concentration camp. In spite of everything in his life that went wrong, he chose an attitude of trust and love. What many people don’t know about Frankl is that he went on to become the father of logotherapy (a kind of therapy that encourges people to choose how they want to experience each situation). “Logos” is the Greek word that means, “To make meaning out of something.” Frankl believed that you get to decide what each event in your life means, because events don't mean anything until you apply meaning to them. You get to choose your attitude and how every experience will affect your life — but if you don't make this choice, your subconscious mind will choose for you, and it will usually choose fear. Frankl believed that you should reframe each experience in whatever way best serves you (still within the framework of reality, of course). If trusting the process of life and seeing it as a safe process with meaning and purpose gives you peace, you should choose that outlook. I believe choosing to trust that everything happens for a reason serves your process of growth, eliminates fear and makes life better. The formula This is my formula for eliminating anxious thoughts in the moment:
"Nothing in life creates more deep-seated anxieties than the false assumption that life should be free from anxieties and problems." –Unknown You cannot control life and you won't always be able to make it the way you want it, so you might as well just trust it. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem.
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I like your advice columns on KSL — they really make me stretch and think. One thing that has always bothered me though is the statement you use, "Don't take things too personally." What do you mean by that? Answer: “Don’t take things personally” means you should not let other people's comments, actions, attitudes, opinions or choices affect how you feel about yourself or your life, even if they are a direct and personal attack. (Yes, even direct and personal attacks do not have to be taken personally.) You have the option of saying to yourself, “This person has the right to feel this way if they want to, but I don’t have to agree with them, own their feelings, or let them affect me in any way. That is my right.” One of my favorite authors, Don Miguel Ruiz, in his book "The Four Agreements," says, “There is a huge amount of emotional freedom that comes to you when you take nothing personally … the whole world can gossip about you and send you emotional poison, and if you don’t take it personally, you will not eat it.” You can simply decided not to be affected by the event. Events don’t mean anything until you apply meaning to them anyway. In the past you have applied meaning that caused you pain and suffering, but you have the option of changing how you experience these situations. You could decide to understand that other people's problems are not really about you. This is an important principle of human behavior (so make a note of it) — Most bad behavior is motivated by their own fears about themselves. It is rarely really about you. This means most of their attacks are driven by their own fears of failure or loss, and those fears are their problem. Their fears may cause them to feel threatened by you and even cast you as the bad guy, because it makes them feel safer. But just because they cast you as the bad guy doesn’t mean you are. That is just their story. You do not have to believe the story. You do not have to take it on, adopt it or own it, because doing so will only create unnecessary suffering in your life. Unless, you really are behaving badly. You should always be willing to take a look at yourself and honestly assess if there is any truth to what they say. If there is truth, you may want to learn from this, commit to do better, and then let go of the offense because holding on to it won't serve anyone. If there is no truth behind their attack, you must develop a thicker skin so you can stay in a place of truth, love and peace no matter what anyone says or does around you. You must be able to hold on to the truth about who you are and not let anyone take it from you. Don Miguel Ruiz calls a thick skin “immunity to poison in the middle of hell.” When another person throws their hate, anger and bitterness all over you, you can just peacefully let it slide off. Nothing sticks unless you decide to pick it up and carry it. Don't pick it up and carry it. Don't take it personally. You do not have to stand there and take abuse from anyone, though. I physically remove myself from these types of situations post haste. But if you can’t remove yourself, you are still bulletproof because this person cannot diminish you without your permission. You are bulletproof because you are an infinitely valuable, eternal being whose value cannot be diminished. You do not need to defend yourself, because offenses are only an illusion. They are an illusion because you cannot be diminished. You are the same you no matter what they say or do, and if there is no diminishment possible, there is really no offense possible. If there is no offense, there is no need to defend. You are too bulletproof to need any defense. Superman doesn’t defend himself (or get offended) when people shoot at him because their bullets have no effect. He just stands there and smiles. Why waste the energy being offended? You must know who you are and let that truth override everything else. If they tell you you’re horrible, you can honor and respect their right to think what they think, but you don't have to take it personally and waste energy thinking about it. If our children say, “Mom, that kid says I’m dumb,” my husband always asks, “Well are you dumb?” “No.” “Then what’s the problem?” If you own the truth about who you are, what other people think is irrelevant. Ruiz also says, “by takings things personally, you set yourself up to suffer for nothing.” Don’t sign up for unnecessary suffering. “Your anger, jealousy and envy will all disappear, and even your sadness will simply disappear if you just don’t take things personally.” If you remember this (and stand firm in this truth) you can remain unaffected by anything anyone dishes out, but getting this strong will take some practice. If this is a challenge for you, you might want to get some professional help, from a counselor or coach, to help you improve your self-worth. It will take a little practice, but you can do it. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a life coach and speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem. Question:
I have just been called to be a welfare specialist in my LDS ward where we have more than 160 low-income housing apartments. I would like insights into how to coach those who need help in lifting their hopes and lives a little. How can I help them stay optimistic? Answer: I would love to share some tips on choosing a positive mindset, and hopefully you will have opportunities to share these principles with the people you serve. I would recommend you do a lot of listening first, though. People must know that you care, before they care about what you know. Listening shows people that you value them as they are, where they are, and are not just trying to fix them. Then, I would ask if they are open to some advice. Permission questions show people that you honor and respect them. Then you might share the following principles and suggestions. Principle 1: You have the power to choose your attitude. You may not have control over the events in your life, but you do get to choose how you will experience those events. It is the one choice no one can take from you. We learned this from Viktor Frankl, who spent time in Nazi concentration camps. They took everything he had, but they could not take away his power to choose his attitude, he said. Even though he was in the worst situation imaginable, he chose love over fear. You have the power to choose love over fear, too. Principle 2: When choosing your attitude, you have only two choices: fear, or trust and love (every other state falls under one of those). This makes the choice a simple one. In every moment of your life, you can consciously choose a mindset of trust and love, or you can react unconsciously without thinking. If you do this, your subconscious mind will usually choose fear. I recommend consciousness. Conscious choice requires you to wake up and become aware of what you are experiencing and how you are reacting to that experience. You have to get off autopilot and choose how you want to feel in this moment. This will require practice and effort if you have been asleep most of your life. You may also have created some subconscious bad habits: things like taking things too personally, over-generalizing, catastrophizing or creating unnecessary drama to get attention. You will have to start catching these behaviors and consciously choosing something better. The first step is choosing to see the process of life as a safe one. Principle 3: Choosing to see life as a classroom, not a test, will take your fear of failure off the table. When you choose to trust the process of life and see it as your perfect process of growth, it will take the fear of loss off the table. Living from this place will create more peace and joy. I recommend you make this your official policy: life is a classroom and my value isn’t on the line. Give yourself permission to be a work in progress, a person who doesn't have to be perfect. This mindset will change the way you feel about mistakes and misfortune. Dr. Martin Seligman, in his book "Learned Optimism," said the main difference between optimists and pessimists is that pessimists see failure and misfortune as permanent and personal, while optimists see misfortune as non-permanent and non-personal, meaning they don't let mistakes affect their value or define who they are. You get to decide how you want to experience each situation in your life. I highly recommend seeing each experience as a lesson or a location on your journey, which has nothing to do with who you are. Here are some other suggestions for a positive attitude:
I know that it is hard to stay positive when things go wrong, but the only other choice (fear and depression) will make you more miserable — so keep working at choosing trust and love, and it will get easier over time. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem. Question:
I worked hard for 48 years, now I am retired and drawing a pension. My question to you is, “Is it normal to have feelings of guilt for being retired?” Most days I can do chores, projects or whatever comes along, without a thought of guilt. Then all of a sudden I feel guilty about this money I am getting, when I’m not doing anything to earn it. How do I get to the point where I don’t feel embarrassed or guilty about being retired? Answer: You must change the way you see your situation and consciously choose to replace feelings of guilt with something more productive. There are situations where experiencing guilt is appropriate and productive, namely when you do something wrong or mistreat someone. In these situations, a little guilt is a good thing because it motivates you to change, but experiencing guilt when you have done nothing wrong is not appropriate and doesn’t serve anyone. Feeling a sense of guilt because you aren’t working for a living (when you have worked hard your entire life to get here) is unproductive guilt and a waste of energy. it also prevents you from showing up for other people. Your guilt keeps you focused on yourself and your fear of not being good enough, and in this place you might not see other people and their needs. You cannot experience guilt and love at the same time. Guilt is about you, love is about other people. The fastest way out of guilt is to focus on your love for someone else. Your guilt may also be tied to your fears of what other people think of you. If other people (and their judgment of you) weren’t in the mix, you might not feel guilty at all. If this is true for you, remember people who judge you are usually jealous or worried they won’t get what you have. This fear of loss may, at times, cause them to cast you as the bad guy (because it subconsciously makes them feel better) but that doesn’t make it true. You are not a bad person because your situation makes them feel insecure or unsafe. The way they choose to feel about your situation is not your problem. You have no control over how they choose to feel, and it is not your responsibility to feel guilty so they feel better. It would be more productive for you to focus on validating, caring about and encouraging these people, choosing love instead of fear. You may also need to work on your self-esteem. You might see yourself as less valuable because you aren’t working anymore. You may have used your job as your main source of validation and without it your sense of self-worth may have taken a hit. You may need to work on reinventing a new sense of self-worth around who you are now. (You may want to get some help from a coach or counselor to do this.) The following is my recipe for increasing self-esteem and eliminating non-productive guilt: 1) Get busy doing productive things, learning and growing every day. If you stay active and constantly work on improving yourself, your life will have purpose and meaning. 2) Give yourself permission to be a work in progress (a student in the classroom of life). Choose to believe there are no mistakes, only perfect lessons. Embrace the lessons and let guilt and shame go. 3) Trust that your value isn’t on the line and what other people think of you is irrelevant. If they are jealous or judgmental, it is because they are afraid for themselves. It has nothing to do with you. Choose to love them instead of feeling guilty. 4) Choose to see yourself and your value accurately. Choose to see other people as the same as you (not better or worse). Choose to remember your value is infinite and absolute no matter what anyone thinks or does. Your value is the same whether you are working or not. 5) Focus on loving, validating and lifting other people, especially the people who judge you. Push the limits of your love and validate the people you think don’t need it and the people who think they are better than you. You will feel powerful and amazing when you do this. 6) Ask yourself this question often, “Does this attitude serve me or anyone else?” If the answer is no, immediately replace your negative thoughts with something that does serve you. Try gratitude, love or trust. You have the power to choose your attitude in every moment, make sure you are claiming that power and consciously choosing a productive mindset. You are the one who gets to decide how you will feel about your life. You will stop feeling guilty — as soon as you decide not to. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a life coach and speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem. SALT LAKE CITY — Do you find yourself apologizing often? Life Coach Kim Giles gives advice to people who say I'm sorry too often. This is a self-esteem, fear issue and can cause problems in your relationships. Coach Kim gives simple tips for changing this behavior.
Question: I got sick and had to go to the emergency room in the middle of the night. The whole time I kept apologizing to my husband. I felt bad that he had to spend the whole night sitting in the ER waiting to find out what was wrong with me. He was supportive the whole time and never acted put out, but I kept apologizing. He finally got mad at me and asked me to stop. I didn’t notice how often I apologized until then. Now, I realize I say it all the time. Why do I do this, why did it bother him and how can I stop? Answer: Saying sorry is polite when you actually do something wrong, but apologizing all the time, over things that aren’t your fault or aren’t even in your control, can cause problems in your relationships. When you apologize too much, it shows people that you don’t trust them and their love for you. It also says you need their approval to feel safe. I think your husband was frustrated because you basically didn't trust him. Over-apologizing is also a sign of co-dependence — the need to have other people happy, to feel of value. When you are in this place you aren’t really thinking about the other person. You are entirely focused on your fear and need for approval. This behavior may appear loving and concerned about others, but it is actually selfish and focused on you. The first step to changing this behavior is understanding why you behave this way. See if any of the following reasons hit a cord with you: 1) You may just be co-dependent and have a tendency to carry responsibility for things that aren’t your responsibility (like other people’s happiness). You may think it is your job to make sure everyone else is comfortable all the time, but it’s not. Trying to carry this is unrealistic and it bothers people. 2) You may have suffered some kind of abuse in your past and you may be subconsciously terrified of making other people mad at you. (This still happens to me on occasion, by the way.) If you were ever emotionally or physically abused, you walked on eggshells, constantly checking to make sure didn't make anyone mad. You may now project this fear onto other people, who don’t deserve it. 3) You may think self-deprecation is righteous, polite behavior. You may actually think it is good manners to over-apologize. Though it feels polite, over-apologizing is selfish and about getting approval, so it is more likely to make people lose respect for you. Did any of those sound familiar? Once you understand why you over-apologize, you must learn to see yourself and other people accurately, and let go of your need for approval. Here are four things you can work on to change this behavior: 1) You must trust that your value (as an irreplaceable, one-of-a-kind divine soul) is infinite and absolute and does not change. You are always good enough, no matter what anyone thinks of you. When you trust this truth, you won’t need approval to feel okay. You will feel okay all the time. People respect and admire this kind of confidence. 2) You must remember that every situation is in your life to teach you something. It is also the perfect learning experience for the people around you. They are supposed to be having this experience, so you must step back and let them have it. You can always express your love and appreciation for them, though, which is what you should have done at the hospital. 3) In every situation you must step back and check your responsibility. Get out a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. On one side, write down everything that is in your control and is your responsibility, and write everything that’s not on the other. This should give you some clarity. Remember, you are not responsible for how other people choose to feel about a situation. That is their problem. 4) Ask yourself some clarifying questions: “Did I do something either intentionally or unintentionally that warrants an apology? Am I scared the other people or person involved won’t like me or will get mad at me? Is this justified? Or am I applying my fear where it doesn’t belong?” I realize that things happen fast in the moment, though. You won’t have time to stop and think through all these questions every time something happens. So, the best way to practice is to replay past situations in your mind, and run through the questions in regards to those situations. This counts as practice. The more you do this, the faster your brain will get it. If you continue to experience this problem, you may want to consider a little professional coaching or counseling to work on your self-esteem and trust issues. A little professional help can make a huge difference. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem. Question:
I enjoyed your articles about forgiving other people, but how do you forgive yourself and move on when you have made many mistakes? That is what I struggle with. Answer: You are not alone. Most of us hold on to past mistakes and let them affect our self-esteem for way too long. This is not healthy and does not serve anyone. Here are eight suggestions that may help you to forgive yourself: 1. Choose to see past experiences as locations on your journey through life, instead of letting them define who you are If you were on a road trip and drove through Texas, would the time you spent there make you a Texan? Of course not. It was just the location you drove through; it doesn’t change who you are. Your value is the same no matter what you experience along your journey. Mistakes teach you important lessons, but they don’t define who you are — at least they don't have to. You can see them as locations on your journey if you choose to. 2. Give yourself permission to be a work in progress Choose to see life as a classroom, not a testing center. You have the option to believe that your value isn’t on the line here and you are not being graded — you are just here to learn and grow. Seeing life as a classroom helps you focus on the lessons so you can forgive yourself and try to do better next time. 3. Understand how pointless shame is I believe "shame" stands for: should have already mastered everything. That is ridiculous. You are a student in the classroom of life. There is no way could know it all, all the time. Give yourself permission to be an imperfect work in progress. You are learning and growing and that is enough. 4. Figuratively get rid of it for good You could write it down on paper and burn it. You could write what you did, put it in a box and bury it in the backyard. Then make a rule that you can’t bring it up again, unless you dig the box up first. (This exercise is great for couples who keep fighting about the past too.) Bury that stuff deep and let it die there. There is no sense wasting energy on things you can’t change. Focus on the future instead. 5. Learn some new skills Focus on making your future brighter. This is in your control. Be present and find ways to improve yourself daily. Learning new skills is great for your self-esteem. 6. Imagine there is a dark room in your house where you can stash negative thoughts and emotions Every time negative thoughts show up, which aren't worth processing anymore, visualize putting them in the dark room and slamming the door. You can always go in there, if you need to process it some more and dwell in self-pity. But you could also leave the negativity in the dark room forever. This empowers you to have control over what to do with those feelings. 7. Clean out your closets and your house Most people, who hold on to old stuff, are also holding on to old ways of thinking and feeling. When you get rid of your old stuff, you can send your old beliefs, mistakes and fears out with it. Cleaning your house out will make you feel fresh and new on every level. 8. Change it up and try new things Break out of your old ruts and change some things. Try new outfit combinations, new foods, new restaurants, new sports or new kinds of movies. The more you break out of routine and change it up, you will also open yourself up to feel differently about yourself and your life. Steve Maraboli, in his book "Life, the Truth, and Being Free," said “Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don’t.” The past is out of your control; there is nothing you can do to change it. Let it go. Choose joy for today. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem. Question:
I always have the feeling that people are judging me and my self-esteem often depends entirely on how they treat me (or how I perceive their treatment). I worry about wearing the right clothes and saying the right things. I know people probably aren’t that focused on me, but I can’t stop worrying about what they think. How can I stop being afraid? Answer: Everyone deals with the fear of judgment at some level. It makes no sense that we give other people this much power over how we feel about ourselves, but we often do. This happens to you more when you aren't sure who you are. If you worry about what others think of you, you may need to clearly define who you are and what affects your value, once and for all. Clearly defining these two things will help you to take your power back. I believe your value is infinite and absolute (unchangeable) because you are a one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable human soul. I believe nothing you do, nothing anyone else says, thinks or does to you, and no situation in your life, can change your value. You are the same no matter what they think. I believe you are as bulletproof as Superman. Offenses, insults and judgments can just bounce off, if you experience them that way. No one can hurt you without your permission. I believe you are (literally) your love for yourself, people and life, and your love is the source of your value. That's why you can't lose who you are. If you would focus on being the love everywhere you go, the fear of judgment would stop, because you can't do fear and love at the same time. Here are some other things you can do to diminish the fear.
Hope this helps. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a life coach and speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem. Question:
My wife is never satisfied with what we have and it is really hurting our marriage. As soon as we get a new house, she wants a new car, new clothes, new furniture or an expensive vacation. She can’t be happy unless she is getting something new. What can I do to help her be more satisfied with what we have? Answer: The need to buy things, to validate our worth, is a common problem in America. I believe it is a reaction to the two core fears we all struggle with most. The two core fears are: 1) The fear of failure (not being good enough) and 2) the fear of loss (that my life won’t be good enough). Which of these do you think is an issue for your wife? (Readers should ask themselves these same questions.) Is your need for stuff driven by a need to feel better than other people? Does buying stuff give you a sense of value or security? What is the underlying fear you are trying to quiet through shopping? Are you trying to prove your value, get validation from other people, protect or hold onto what you have or get things that will make you feel safe or better about yourself? I believe 80-90 percent of human behavior is driven by these fears. A non-scientific study of Commerce Department data suggests that American consumers spend $1.2 trillion a year on non-essential stuff. Clothes, cars, jewelry, candy and trips would all fall under this category. That’s a lot of things we don’t need just to quiet our fears or make us temporarily happy. The problem with getting ‘things’ to validate your worth or make you feel better is the satisfaction is quickly replaced by the need for other things you still don’t have. You can't get enough stuff to make this feeling of need go away. The only way to win this game is not to play. We must stop basing our value on our appearance and our assets. We must eliminate the underlying subconscious programs of fear that drive this need and replace them with a more accurate one. Your current thought process (subconscious belief) probably says something like … if I have new stuff it makes me feel important or special. If I have the best stuff and lots of it, then I have more value as a person. If I have the best stuff and look good, people will approve of me, which will prove my value. The problem is, none of these are truth. Even though there are some people who will judge you based on your assets, in the end, it won’t matter what they think. You are the same you either way. The people who matter in your life will love you for who you are and how you make them feel. Your love is what matters to them. A new, more accurate belief would be: My value is not affected by what I have. It is not affected by what people think of me or how I compare to other people. It is not affected by how I look or what I have. My value comes from my infinite and absolute worth, my heart and my love. It is based on how I treat people, my choices and my character. I don’t need stuff to feel important and valuable. My sense of value comes from inside me and is based in who I am, not what I have. I will choose to win hearts and make friends with my love. People care more about how I treat them than what I have. I will focus on making other people feel valued instead of trying to validate my own worth through my stuff. Instead of focusing on what I have, I will focus on what I give. I will be a force for love in my family, my neighborhood and my community. I will work hard and do my best at everything I do, and I will do these things because I love God, life, other people and myself. I will be driven by love, not fear. I will not let "things" come before people and my relationships. Changing the way you think about yourself and your life, and focusing on love for others instead of your fears about your value, will help you eliminate a need for stuff over time. This will be a process, though, and will take some time to change. If your wife is open to changing herself, you might show her this article and encourage her to work on a healthy mindset around her value. I would also highly recommend some professional help to work on her self-esteem. At the end of the day, this problem is a self-esteem issue. Most marriage problems are self-esteem issues, in fact, and they have the power to destroy your relationship if you don’t fix them. You may have to insist on some coaching or counseling if necessary. A little professional help on overcoming the two core fears above will do wonders. Remember that life is a classroom and you are in this class together for a reason. You were drawn to this person (your spouse) so you could teach each other important lessons. You are meant to figure this out and grow from the experience. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a life coach and speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem. Question:
I have always compared myself to others, way too much. How do I stop, and how do I stop letting what other people think of me matter so much? Answer: Comparing yourself to others means you haven’t claimed your power to decide how you will value yourself. Without an internal source of self-esteem, you are letting other people — and how you compare to them — determine your value. You can continue to let other people determine how you feel about yourself if you want to, but I wouldn't recommend it. You can change the way you value yourself right now by changing your perspective. You can learn a lot about low self-esteem from watching ABC’s "The Bachelor": It is a perfect case study on what not to do. Many of the women on this show (even the beautiful ones) are desperately in need of external validation because they don’t know who they are, either. These women let this one guy and his interest in them determine their value as a human being. They take rejection way too personally, and this lack of self-worth leads to some pretty immature behavior. These women also spend too much time comparing themselves to each other. If they find fault in another woman (and see her as worse than them) they feel OK, but if another girl is at all pretty, fun or nice, she is seen as a threat, and this creates more insecurity and fear. This fear, the fear of not being good enough, is the single most damaging fear you experience. You must put this fear to rest and stop letting outside influences determine your value. Comparing yourself to others is a waste of time and energy because you are a completely unique, irreplaceable, one-of-a-kind being on a very personal journey of growth and learning. You are incomparable on every level. It would be like comparing a raspberry, grape, strawberry, peach and mango and trying to decide which was best. Their qualities are so different you cannot compare them. You are incomparable, amazing and divine, and it is time for you to own that. But you have a subconscious voice of fear in your head that is going to keep trying to compare you to others and keep you in fear. You are going to have to wake up, catch yourself doing this and stop it. You can choose a different way to value who you are. This is not difficult but will take some practice. Below are five things you can practice choosing, which will help.
Insecurity and neediness are not attractive. Make a new rule in your head, that comparing yourself with other people is not allowed. When you catch yourself going there, stop it. Choose to value yourself accurately. Remember, your real value comes from your love for life, yourself and others; your character; and your values. It does not come from your appearance, your weight or what other people think of you — these things are irrelevant. Stop worrying about your clothes and your hairdo and go get them with your love. Everywhere you go, choose to be a source of love and validation in the room and trust that your value isn’t in question. These small changes will change everything. You can do this. Kimberly Giles gives her advice in the "LIFEadvice" series every Monday on ksl.com. She is the president of Claritypoint Life Coaching and a sought-after life coach and popular speaker. www.claritypointcoaching.com Question:
I enjoyed reading your article “Surviving the Family Holiday Party” and am using the Principles of Truth points in my life. I am an elementary school principal and have been thinking that it would be very good for kids to learn these points. I was wondering if you would word the points differently for kids and share the kids’ points with me. Thank you for your time and the articles you share with all of us. Answer: There are many things you can do to help build confidence in kids. One of the most powerful ways to instill confidence in children is simply be listening to them. When you take time to listen to a child's thoughts, feelings and ideas, you are showing him he is an important person. Below are some principles you could also discuss with children to build a solid foundation of healthy thinking while they are young. This would be a fantastic tool for parents and teachers. I recommend taking one point each week and having a discussion with the children in your class, or family, about what it means. Let them share their ideas about it and discuss why it is true. Then, repeat the point out loud together every day for a week before moving on to the next one. There is also a PDF with these points available online that you can download. If children are taught to see themselves and other people accurately, this will benefit them throughout their lives. Their core fear is that they aren't good enough — this is your core fear, too. These principles give you the power to overcome that fear by claiming the right to choose how you will see yourself. Principles of truth can help me escape fear and remember who I am. • I am a unique, amazing, superhero kind of person. There will never be another me. I am the one who will decide how I will feel about myself. I am my goodness, my character, my talents and my kindness. This is who I am. • What other people think of me doesn’t matter. If they say mean things about me, it doesn’t change my value. I am still the same me. I can ignore mean comments because I am a good and important person, and nothing will ever change that. I know who I am. • My value comes from the fact that I am unique. I don’t waste time comparing myself to other people. I am the perfect me and they are the perfect them. Our differences make us both amazing. • My life is a classroom and I am here to learn and grow. Every experience I have teaches me something. I am right on track in my process of learning. I am doing great. • If I make a mistake, I apologize and work to do better in the future. I am still a good person. It was just a lesson. • No one is better or worse than anyone else. We all have the same value. I choose to see every person as the same as me. • I never gossip, criticize or judge other people. We are all doing the best we can with what we know. We are all learning and growing. I can forgive others. • I am here to help other people. I am always looking for people who need help or friendship. I am a friend to all. I have the power to treat people with love and kindness, even when they don’t deserve it. I do this because I am a kind person. • I choose my attitude in each situation. I can choose to feel bad about myself and scared. Or I can choose to feel like a superhero — strong, safe and loving. I choose a positive attitude every time. • I choose to feel strong, safe and loving. I believe in myself. I have everything I need to succeed in life. I am the amazing me. I hope this is what you had in mind. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem. |
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AuthorKimberly Giles is the president and founder of Claritypoint Life Coaching and 12 SHAPES INC. She is an author and professional speaker. She was named one of the top 20 advice gurus in the country by Good Morning America in 2010. She appears regularly on local and national TV and Radio. Archives
March 2022
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