This was first published on KSL.com
Question: My wife and I keep having the same fight over the same thing, again and again. It comes down to feeling second to her phone, her social media, her work and the kids, especially at night. My question is, how do I overcome those feelings and stop feeling I am not that important to her? How do I get more of her attention? Every time I bring it up I must do it wrong, because it blows up into a huge fight, which drives more of a wedge between us. Hit me with your knowledge, Coach. Answer: I’m going to give you a process to help you find the right response to any relationship problem, so you can find the answer yourself every time. We call this process “The Clarity Questions,” and you can download it as a worksheet on our website. Let’s run through the process, pretending it’s a night when you want your wife’s attention, but she is on her phone. You may have to walk away from the situation when this happens and run through the steps on paper, then come back. Step 1: Remember your value (and hers) are not in question. You both have the same value, and no one is better or worse than the other. You are both struggling, scared students in the classroom of life, and you both behave badly at times. Make sure you remember you aren’t perfect either, so you aren’t coming from a place of judgment as the good one, casting them as the bad one. Step 2: Remember life is a classroom and the universe has one goal, to grow you and help you become better and more loving. If this is truth, then this experience (with this person) is today’s lesson for your growth. This situation is your chance to learn to be more mature, balanced and kind. If you see the situation as your classroom, you will handle it with more love and maturity. Step 3: Identify what is bothering you, using nothing but the facts, and use “I” statements more than “you” statements. This needs to be a statement owning what you are choosing to experience. Don’t bring up all their past mistakes or your past baggage nor apply meaning to their behavior. This step can be hard to do. You may need feedback from someone who isn’t emotionally involved to accurately see what the raw facts are. Your's might sound like, “My spouse is on her phone and I am choosing to feel unloved and alone because of that.” (Don’t say this to her yet — just accurately own what the situation is.) Step 4: Get really clear on what you want. The way you handle this situation is going to create what happens next. What outcome do you want? Your's might sound like, “I want more of my spouse’s undivided attention tonight and I’d like her to want to spend time with me.” The goal is to figure out what behavior would create what you want. This is the most important step, because without it you might behave in a way that creates the exact opposite of what you really want. Step 5: Write down (on paper) all your behavior options. Take your time and write down every option you can think of (both good and bad). Then write next to each option what outcome you think that behavior is likely to create. Here are some possible options and their outcomes: Option 1: You can say nothing, but let it bother you, fester and create resentment. What would this create? Your feelings won't go away and will probably get bigger and bigger until you eventually explode in anger and create an even bigger wedge in your relationship. Option 2: You could just blurt out what you are feeling and tell her being on her phone at night really bothers you and makes you feel unloved, and you think she cares more about Facebook than she cares about you. What might that create? This will probably trigger her fear of not being good enough, because criticism brings out the fear of failure in almost everyone unless you handle it the right way (and just blurting it out isn’t the right way). This approach is also selfish and doesn’t show any concern about her and what she wants or needs. So, she will probably react in fear, by either lashing back about your faults to prove she isn’t the only one who isn’t perfect, or she will get defensive and pull away from you further. Neither of those are going to create what you want, and there definitely won’t be any intimacy tonight because defensiveness doesn’t create the mood. Option 3: You could have a mutually validating conversation. This is the best option if your relationship is struggling. There are details on how to do these conversations right in my book, "Choosing Clarity," but basically you make the first part of the conversation about her and her feelings by asking questions and listening. Ask her if you make her feel loved enough and is there anything you could do to make her feel more loved? (Ask for feedback about your behavior and be willing to take it.) This will make her more open to doing the same. After you spend time asking questions, listening and validating her, ask if you could ask her a favor. Then, using “I” statements more than “you” statements, explain that you love her so much and would love to spend a little more time with her at night. (Make sure you have a loving WHY for this, though). You want to spend time with her because you love her company so much, because she’s so fun and so beautiful, and you love time with her. Notice, it’s not about only your needs getting met, it’s about love, not fear or lack. It’s a good practice once a week, to ask your spouse what you could do to make them feel more loved, wanted, admired and appreciated. This would do wonders for your marriage. We are teaching these kinds of tips at our Marriage Mastery in April. What might that create? Caring about her first, then asking for what you want, should make her like the idea of spending more time with you. Make sure you are fun, happy and giving her lots of positive validation (all day, every day) about how amazing she is, and she will be crazy about you. Seeing her as loving, giving, affectionate and fun (and telling her this is who you see) will encourage more of that behavior. Telling her she is rude, self-centered and always on her phone will only create more of that, because what you see is what you get. Option 4: Distract her. (This is the best option if your relationship is pretty good.) Remember when you had small children fighting over a toy. The fastest way to end the fight was to distract them with something better. All you had to say was, “Who wants ice cream?” and the fight was over. Next time she is on her phone at night, instead of getting in fear and starting a fight, choose love and fun. Tempt her with something better, something she loves. Just start kissing her, massage her feet, nibble on her ear. If you don’t know what your spouse loves more than her phone, ask her! “What could I do that would tempt you away from social media tonight and make you wildly happy?” What might that create? A fun night spending time together and a marriage that is more fun than demanding, defensive and resentful, which is what you wanted! Step 6: Choose the option that feels the most loving, mature and balanced. Sometimes we get stuck in ego though and don’t want to choose love. Our ego wants to win the fight and make the other person pay for their bad behavior. It likes to stay mad and cast your spouse as the bad one. If you find yourself here and lack the motivation to show up with love, try imagining yourself years from now looking back at this moment. What kind of behavior towards your spouse right now would make you proud of yourself? Choose to take the high road, forgive, be kind and loving towards your spouse, and be the first to apologize, because you will like yourself in the long run if you do. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a life coach, speaker and people skills expert.
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I think my spouse loves me, but I’m not sure what we have is really love. It feels more like we need each other to make us feel good. Because of this we fight a lot and always feel disappointed by the other. I’m also confused about the way you talk about trusting the journey in your articles. I get that this is so we will stop getting bent out of shape when things don’t go our way. You write about trusting the universe that things are the way they are, for a reason. But I feel if I just trust the journey to give me what’s best for me, I will become too content and I won’t try to get what I want or need. That doesn’t feel right to me. Are you saying it’s healthy to trust the universe and just be happy with whatever I get? I also think I need help on the love side, because we are always unhappy with each other. Any advice would be great. Answer: You are confused on love and trust because you can see the far enemies, but you are missing the near enemies. Let me explain. Almost every emotion has a far-enemy that is it’s diametric opposite and a near-enemy that is a close counterfeit. The far-enemies are easy to spot, because they are so negative, but the near-enemies masquerade as good emotions, so they are tricky to see. Here are some examples: Compassion: Real compassion is empathy for a brother or sister (a soul like you) and their pain. It involves feeling their pain and truly wanting to lift it from them, because you care about their welfare. When I traveled to India I saw thousands of people who are suffering in great poverty for instance, and I felt great compassion for them. The far-enemy of compassion is cruelty or not caring, even wishing harm on another person. This mean-spirited, unkind behavior is obviously negative and wrong. This would be going to India and seeing the poverty and not really caring or even mocking or rejecting the people. The near-enemy of compassion though is pity. Pity looks and feels a lot like compassion except for one thing. It is seeing the other person as below you or less than you. You look down at them and their struggles from a subtle place of superiority. You might feel sorry for this person, more than you feel their pain with them. When it comes to compassion, you must check yourself to make sure you are seeing the other person as having the same value as you, regardless of what they are going through. In a Third World country you must check that you aren’t seeing the poor people as beneath you in any way (which is easy to do when people are dirty, poorly dressed or less educated). You have to watch for pity. Love: This is caring about the welfare of another person more than your own. It is wanting them to have joy, security and peace regardless of what you get in return. Real love can only happen when you need nothing. If you come from an insecure, needy place where you don’t feel safe, valued or whole yourself, you aren’t capable of showing up with real love. Everything you give will have subconscious strings attached, because you need caring, validation or reassurance back from the other person. The far-enemy of love is cruelty or hatred. This is obviously negative and is easy to spot. The near-enemy of love is attachment or co-dependency. Here your actions towards a spouse look and even feel like love. The difference is that you are clingy, needy or dependent on getting what you need back from the other person. Overly attached spouses may be controlling, stifling or needy of time, attention or validation from their partner. You might need a great deal of attention or demonstrations of love from your spouse in order to feel safe and secure. You are giving so that you will then receive what you want. You must check your love on occasion to make sure it’s unconditional and has no strings attached. Make sure any loving service is given as a gift, expecting nothing in return. When you show up this way, your spouse will feel the authentic love and usually reciprocate. Trust: Real trust is choosing to have confidence in the surety of something. When I talk about trusting God, the universe or the journey through life, I’m talking about trusting there is order, purpose and meaning in everything that happens. You can choose to trust God that things happen for a reason and everything that happens is here to serve you and your education. Real trust means you can set a goal and strive to reach it, working with passion and love towards what you want, but without devastating attachment to the outcome, because you trust the universe or God to always deliver what is best for you in the end. This creates equanimity (feeling the same peaceful feeling when things go wrong that you do when they go right). This can happen if you choose to trust God that he knows what he’s doing and choose to feel safe all the time. The far-enemy of trust is fear. This is a feeling of being unsafe, insecure or at risk. From here you work like crazy to get the outcome or goal you’ve set, but you are without trust in something bigger than yourself, so you think everything depends on you and your efforts. You have no confidence in the universe or God to back you up. This is a stressful worrisome place to live from. It often includes dramatic, emotional reactions when things don’t go your way. It can include feelings of loss, mistreatment, jealousy or that life is unfair. Here you are overly attached to what you think the outcome should be, and the attachment sets you up for suffering and disappointment. The near-enemy of trust is apathy or disconnection. These may look and feel like trust, because they are without stress or what feels like fear, but they are really still fear in disguise. Apathy is a choice to remain unattached or indifferent to outcomes, because it feels safer than caring. If you don’t care about the outcome, you can’t be hurt or disappointed. Here you aren’t upset if things go wrong, but it’s not because you trust a higher power is in charge, and this outcome must have purpose in your life. It’s just because you’ve become detached. You don’t want to live motivated by fear and stress, but you also don’t want to get so detached that you don’t care either. Too content would mean not setting goals and working toward what you desire at all. We recommend working hard and being very motivated to get or create what you desire, but doing it from a place of trust and love. This requires you to choose a perspective of trust with the universe that it is always conspiring to serve you and your growth. Trust it to work with your desires and choices to create your perfect classroom every day. Then, work like crazy to create what you want, from a place of passion and love for yourself, others, God or life. Be love motivated instead of fear motivated. You might want to download our free e–book on trust to help you get out of fear. The more you trust God that you are good enough, because your value isn’t on the line and trust you are always safe in his hands, you will become more and more capable of real love. This happens because as your feelings of security, peace and confidence increase, your ability to give to others increases. Only a very secure person is capable of giving real love. We strongly recommend that couples who aren’t happy in their marriages seek out individual coaching for each of them right away. If you would both work independently on your self-esteem and fear issues, you will find you can start giving real love and experiencing the richness of a healthy relationship. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a life coach, speaker and people skills expert. By Nicole Cunningham and Kim Giles
This was first published on KSL.com Question: My wife continues to bring up all of my mistakes from the past with any little issue in our marriage. No matter how many times I apologize and try to make amends, it seems that nothing is ever good enough for her. I’m trying to be patient and hope things will change, but everything is always my fault. We have some really big issues in our marriage which I want to solve, but how can I even begin when she says I am the problem and she isn’t? There is fault on both sides. Answer: In order for you to get some peace here and learn to communicate with your spouse without fighting, you must first see her and your behavior more accurately. We all hurt people when we are in pain or fear. No matter what the circumstances are, it is only from our pain that we attack others. This means that attacks are really more about the attacker and their fears, than they are about you, the victim. Think about that for a minute. To understand your wife (and her need to continually bring up the past) I encourage you to look deeper into her life and heart, with a greater level of compassion. When she brings up the pain she has experienced and holds it over your head, it’s just because she is still hurting and scared. She also finds it necessary to cast you as the bad one, because seeing her own faults would be more painful than she can emotionally handle. All bad behavior comes from two core fears, the fear of failure, not being good enough and the fear of loss, being taken from or losing out. When you can clearly see which fear is in play with your wife (and it could be both of them) you will see the attacks differently. You will also have more compassion, because you will see her as scared more than mean or bad. When you see her bad behavior as fear, you will begin to disassociate yourself from the attack and experience more compassion for her and yourself. There is a great Understanding Your Marriage worksheet on my website, which will help you to delve deeper into the fears that are showing up in your marriage. I encourage you to fill it out and be really honest with yourself. It takes a brave, rational and objective person to be able to disassociate from their pain and fear, and see the ways they have contributed to a problem. Most of us are not good at this. Instead, we exhibit a lot of blaming, projecting behavior. There are several ways you can bring more compassion and love into the conflicts and confrontation you experience in your home: 1) Choose to see every attack as a request for love. People who attack you are in pain, because of their fears for and about themselves. If they have a fear of failure they need reassurance and validation that they are still worthy of love and understanding. They need to be reminded that all people have the same value. If they have fear of loss they need reassurance that things will work out ok. I tell my spouse and children, if I get mad or upset, just remind me that I’m good enough and that God’s got me safe in his hands, and I will probably calm right down. (I only get upset when I have forgotten these two truths.) 2) Choose to see meaning in everything. I love to read about the strength and optimism of Victor Frankl, an Austrian psychiatrist and a Holocaust survivor. He was the first to discover that when you see meaning in every experience, even the most brutal ones, you will suffer less. I choose to see life is a classroom and believe we are here to learn and grow. This brings meaning to every interaction with my spouse, because I see it as today’s lesson on love. When I see every interaction as a lesson I naturally challenge myself to be more mature and show up with more love. This small perspective shift will allow you to suffer less in the problems. 3) Focus on improving yourself. Viktor Frankl said, “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”This is one way to face negativity, criticism and fear. Take them as a challenge and rise above the attacks and choose love anyway. When you refuse to take the bait and join in the fight, it also highlights your spouse’s immature behavior and she can see it better. She would prefer you to sink to her level and behave badly back (this would give her more ammunition to cast you as the bad one). If you refuse to sink to her level and calmly show up with grace and kindness, she will be forced to see that she’s the one who is in the wrong. Don’t do this from ego though, to show you are better than her. Remember you have the same value all the time, you are just learning different lessons. 4) Healthy Communication - Accept responsibility that you are 50 percent of the problem in your communication. Even if the way your spouse behaves is not heathy, you can still create change and be more respectful and loving. It’s not easy to stay respectful when you are being attacked, but you can do it with some new tools and practice. There is a great worksheet on mutually validating conversations on my website. It involves being willing to see her as the same as you (not casting her as the bad one) and being willing to ask questions and listen first, before you ask her to understand you. When someone is in fear and attacking you, what they need most is validation and reassurance to calm their fear. Only when their fear is quieted will they be capable of hearing you. 5) Focus on the future not the past. Too often we drag up the past and use it to toxify the present. When we bring up the past we are also talking about things the other person can’t change and it makes people frustrated and defensive. Make the decision to keep the focus on future behavior not past behavior. The future they have control over and we can make changes there. Be prepared to ask your spouse if she would be willing to let the past go and focus on what you are both willing to do differently moving forward. (You might want to each write down on paper all the things in the past you are still hurt about. Agree to let them go and forgive, so you can both do better moving forward. Put these papers in a box and bury them deep in the backyard. Make an agreement that you won’t bring up those past mistakes ever again, unless you are willing to go dig up the box first to do so.) Healing relationships takes time and takes commitment. See if your spouse wants a better relationship than the one you currently have, and explain that you can’t create happiness at the same level of thinking you were at when you created the problems. You must learn something new. Find a course, coach or counselor who specializes in dealing with fear and upskilling your communication, and preferably one who works with each of you independently. We find that couples do better when each person works to fix their side of the problems on their own first. Despite all of the pain and the uncertainty, remain in trust that this is your perfect classroom. This set of circumstances has shown up for a reason (to help you grow) and it is exactly where you are meant to be. You always marry your best teacher and when you choose to see her as your teacher (who is meant to push your buttons so you can work on them) it will change how you feel. You can do this. This was first published on KSL.COM and 10 other publications
Question: My relationship with my adult children is not good. They are disrespectful and unkind in spite of all I have done for them. They have hurt me deeply in the past, but I forgive them, why can’t they forgive me for past mistakes? I have had so many things go wrong in my life the last few years and I just need them to understand I’m doing the best I can. How can I get them to see how their behavior isn’t right? How can I get them to stop blaming and shaming me? Answer: (KSL readers: Please go easy on this person in the comments.) The problem is you cannot change or fix other people. You can have a mutually validating conversation with them and really listen and validate them, after which you ask to share how you feel and ask for different behavior moving forward, but that doesn’t gaurantee they will change, and their future behavior is totally out of your control. The only person whose behavior you have any control over is yours. The path to change or fix any situation starts with taking personal responsibility, owning your part in it, and working on your part. Often we are so wrapped up in our fear of not being good enough that we prefer to cast the blame on others. When we do this it just makes the situation worse, and no one wants to be around a person in shame and blame. It takes a very motivated, mature and clear person to be willing to see their role in every problem, take responsibility and be willing to grow and to change. Ironically, this is the kind of person that everyone wants to be around. We all want people in our lives who are clear, have appropriately proportionate reactions and behaviors, and who own their mistakes and apologize when they make one. We are drawn to and respect people who are strong enough to own their faults. However, too often, we see people too afraid to wear any responsibility for their actions and decisions at all, and usually their lives and relationships continue to spiral downhill. Stop here for a minute and ask yourself an important question. As you were reading the first part of this article … were your thoughts on how others really need to own their part, or were you honestly thinking about your own behavior? If you were already in blame mode and more focused on how the other people in your life need to read this and own their part, chances are this is a pattern in your life and you are struggling to own your part. (If you were focused on your own behavior, you are probably good at seeing your own part. Some of you may even have the opposite problem of blaming everything on yourself and you may need to do some work on repairing your self-esteem.) Either way, you probably have some deep fear of not being good enough. You may have had this fear most of your life and it may have created a subconscious tendency to point fingers, judge and even be angry at other people, because focusing on how bad they are quiets your own fear of failure a bit. (Or you may always point the finger at yourself. What we are shooting for here is balance.) Please be honest with yourself about your pattern, especially if it's a tendency to point fingers. You probably don’t consciously chose to blame others though and take the victim role. You subconsciously do it. It is just the way you were programmed to see things throughout your life. The good news is, you can change it. One of the best ways to take greater personal responsibility in your life is to realize that this situation, though it may not be all your fault, is your responsibility. Unless you take responsibility for the lesson showing up (because you apparently have something to learn in it or a way to grow from it) you won’t have any power to change it. You must own that. Though others may need to change too, your focus must stay on becoming more mature, wise, calm, balanced and loving yourself. You must work on you. You may not like how this sounds, but the buck really does begin and end with YOU and your behavior. In every person’s life there is a time when they must step up and take responsibility for what they have created around them and for their own happiness. It is no one else’s job or responsibility to make you happy! Look around you and take note of what is working and what isn’t working in your behavior. If being mad and angry at the kids isn’t making you happy, you might want to try something different. If telling them how horrible they are treating you isn’t making them love and respect you, you might want to gain some other skills or tools to try. If the people you love don't want to spend time with you, what behavior in you might be causing that? Where is the stress, unhappiness or imbalance in your life showing up? What are you willing to change in yourself to create something different? There are many ways in which you can take personal responsibility and create change in your life:
I promise you, when your children see you take personal responsibility for your part of the problems and see you learning, growing and changing, they will not only feel more open and loving towards you, but they may be more likely to look at their own bad behavior and be ready to grow too. We all desire more connectivity, respect and a life with less conflict and confrontation. Understanding your own behavioral patterns and getting some new tools and techniques to express yourself and connect with others really can change everything. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness." Nicole Cunningham is a master coach and psychological inclination expert. This was first published on KSL.COM
Question: I’m a good looking woman in my 50s and I’m devastated right now because the man I was dating, who I was in love with and who said he was in love with me, broke up with me last year and I still feel horribly torn up about it. I know I have a tendency to be a teller and a screamer, and I don’t like this about myself, but I really think if someone loved me, they should give me a chance to learn how to approach disagreements in a more positive way. But he didn’t give me that chance. I know I also have trust issues, but I just need a good partner to stay with me and help me overcome these issues and communicate better. I am now thinking he didn’t really ever love me, because he wouldn’t stay with me to help me. How can I get someone who will give me a chance to do better? Answer: I’m assuming when you say you are a “teller and a screamer” that you have a subconscious tendency to talk a lot, get upset easily, and handle confrontations badly. You also said you have trust issues, which I assume means you are subconsciously on the lookout for mistreatment and insults all the time, and you probably find them quite often too, because you always find what you’re looking for. I’m going to be blunt with you here, because I really want to help you. The truth is, you cannot expect anyone to love you enough to put up with drama, fear, constant defensiveness, yelling and immature behavior for long. You are going to have to do some serious work on yourself, learn how to process emotions and situations in an accurate way and communicate how you feel with respect towards others. Screaming might make some people listen to you, but I guarantee in the long run it is making people lose respect for you (even your children). You may have learned screaming and yelling worked for getting what you wanted when you were young, but it’s never going to work for you as an adult. It is time to grow up and get control of yourself. I have some good worksheets on my website for learning to process emotions you should read. They may help you to recognize why you are upset and find some better ways to respond. If you get offended and see mistreatment often and you are not good at handling disagreements or mistreatment in a calm, respectful way, it’s time to take some responsibility for your relationships and stop looking for others to blame. I have another important worksheet on my website called the Are You The Problem worksheet and I highly recommend that you fill it out and score yourself. Maybe you will find out you aren’t as bad as you think, but if you are honest with yourself and find you are high on most of the questions, it’s time to get to work changing some things, starting with your policies and procedures. From 0 to 7 years old, everything you see or experience creates policies, beliefs or conclusions about the world, your value, your family and how things work. You are also experimenting with different procedures or social techniques, and whatever worked (or what you saw most often) became your procedures for dealing with others. If you grew up around some dysfunctional relatives, you may have learned some really bad procedures, but you can break that chain and change your behavior. It will take some work, but you can do it. I believe changing your subconscious relationship behavior must start with changing some of your fundamental beliefs about yourself, others and life. If you see these things in a fear-based way, you are going to react badly to most situations. With my clients, I start by helping them adopt these two basic principles or policies:
If you get insulted easy, keep working on seeing all human beings as having the same infinite value. If you experience loss more, practice seeing your life and every thing that happens as your perfect classroom every day. These will help you over-react less and become more mature and calm. I also recommend that you consider getting some coaching or attend classes on relationship, communication and mindfulness skills. They would make a huge difference in your next relationship. I also think it's time to let go of the hurt over that last one. It was a lesson and taught you some things, but it's time to move on and trust that better things lie ahead. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a life coach, speaker and people skills expert. This was first published on KSL.COM
Question: My husband jumps at every request his adult daughter asks of him and she is constantly asking her dad for help on different needed repairs. He is very attentive and will quickly run to help. I've been needing repairs in our home too and I don't see him having that same desire to help me. Should I let this bother me and just let it go? I just don’t feel as valued as his daughter. A relationship takes a lot of work and I'm willing to put in the work, but I feel that I'm putting in more than he is. He also really hurts me when we have disagreements. He keeps every negative, critical thing about me in his head and spouts them off every time we fight. As a result my self esteem is suffering. I walk away from disagreements wanting to get out of this marriage more than work on myself. I’ve tried to explain to him the damage he is causing but he responds by listing things I’ve done to cause damage too. We are both in our second marriages but I don’t know how to stay in a relationship where most of the time an argument ends with me feeling like I’m the one at fault, I’m the one with most of the issues. What can I do? Answer: Here are three things you can do to turn this situation around and bring the love back.
If you don’t like how these conversations end, you must learn how to validate his worth and make him feel safe and valued, then ask for what you need. The steps above will help you do this, but you must also fix your fears, self-worth issues and stop keeping score. There is a Understanding your Marriage Questionnaire on my website which will let you take an honest inventory of the ways fear is poisoning your relationship. You should both fill it out on your own after reading this article. I also recommend getting some professional help now, before you both hurt each other any more. People tend to wait to ask for help, until it’s almost too late. Don’t do that. Asking for help is a sign of strength not weakness. You can do this. Click here to read other Marriage Advice articles by Coach Kim Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular life coach, speaker and people skills expert. This was first published on KSL.com
Co-written by Martin Hurlburt Question: Help! My husband and I get along great in almost every way, except money. I don’t know why, but when we talk about it, it always leads to frustration, hurt feelings and even quarrels. We love each other and we really want to stop this bickering. What can we do? Answer: That is a great question. For this one I turned to my friend and behavioral finance expert Martin Hurlburt to help me give you some good advice. Even couples who are kind and loving with great relationships often struggle to see eye to eye when it comes to managing money. It’s been said that money is a leading cause of divorce. But that is not true. It is a lack of communication and respect for differences on how we view money that leads to the frustration and fighting. Why does this happen? And what can you do to avoid conflict over money? Martin has made it his life’s work to answer that question. He says, “Misunderstandings and frustrations between spouses when it comes to managing finances come about because each person views money differently. Each person has their own unique money personality. Your money personality is basically the lens through which you view your entire financial world. It impacts how you earn, save, spend, manage and invest your money.” Imagine you’re driving on the freeway at 75 mph. It’s a speed you feel comfortable. Suddenly, someone whizzes by you at 90 mph. What do you think of that person? Do you praise their driving skills and ability to go fast? No! You probably think they are a danger on the streets and ought to lose their license. While you are in the middle of that thought, you come up behind someone who is driving 10 mph slower than you and you can’t get around them. What do you think of that person? Do you praise their cautious nature? No! You probably think they are a danger on the streets and ought to lose their license too. We each tend to drive at a speed that is comfortable for us and we think that anyone who drives faster or slower than us is dangerous and wrong. The same kind of thinking applies to the way you manage your money. You will always lean towards doing it in a way that feels comfortable to you and you can’t really understand anyone who takes more or less risk than you. You can’t understand someone who saves, spends, or invests differently than you do. But chances are pretty good you didn’t marry someone with the same views, thoughts and emotions around money as you. This is what leads to conflicts in a marriage and not the money itself. There are five basic money personalities: 1. Spender 2. Saver 3. Adventurer 4. Steward 5. Avoider One personality is not better than another. (Remember no human being has more value than any other — even if you disagree with them.) You should not try to change your spouse either, just recognize, understand and respect each other, because each of the personality types has its pros and cons. In fact, blending together your two unique personalities may help you make better choices as a couple than you ever could individually. You will begin to manage your money more effectively and reduce your levels of stress when you embrace your personality rather than ignore it or try to override it. It’s simple to find out what your money personality is with a simple questionnaire on www.IfMoneyCouldTalk.com. You will find a link on the home page. Click on it and answer some questions. For each one, choose the answer that first pops into your head without overthinking it. You’ll then get a report within two business days. It will outline the strengths and weaknesses of each personality profile, including yours. The report will also give you ideas on how to better manage your money and still be who you are. To increase understanding between husband and wife, each person should take the money personality profile on their own. And then compare the results. Many couples have reported to me that this was an eye-opening experience and well worth the time. It gave them insights that they had never seen before. There is also a worksheet on my website about money fear and how your fears affect the way you handle money, which you might find interesting. Again both you and your spouse should fill it out and compare what money represents to each of you. Then you can create a compromise that honors you both Imagine that a couple is driving across country. The husband wants to drive 12 hours a day and get there as soon as possible. His wife likes to stop at places of interest along the way and enjoy the journey. Do you think that might cause some conflict? And who is right? Neither one is right or wrong. They are just different. If they each understand and respect how the other feels, they will have a much more peaceful journey than if they each try to prove that their way is right. An example of the compromise might look like this: Instead of three 12-hour days of driving, the husband might agree to five days of just over seven hours each. And instead of wanting to stop at every historic marker along the way, the wife might agree to plan in advance and pick just one or two places of interest each day. If you would like to get on the road to leading a happier, less stressful and more productive life, the first step on your journey is to discover your money personality and then work together to create a win/win compromise that works for both of you. You both will have to give a little, but you will get a little too. Make sure you are always willing to listen to your spouse and honor and respect how they feel before asking them to give you the same. If you both focus on honoring the other, you can have these conversations without conflict. You can do this. Martin Hurlburt is a speaker, author and personal wealth manager. He strives to help people simplify, unify and multiply their wealth. Contact him at www.IfMoneyCouldTalk.com. Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a life coach, speaker and people skills expert. This was first published on KSL.com
co-written by Kristena Eden Question: When my husband and I were first married we were so happy. It seemed like everything was easy and he could do nothing wrong. Now it seems like he purposefully tries to make my life miserable or at least doesn't care how I feel. I have less and less respect for him and we fight more often. I think our marriage is completely broken. Is there a way to get back that love we once had? Answer: There are ways to create more love, respect and attraction in your marriage, but it probably won't ever be like it was at the beginning, nor should it, because it could be something even better. In the book "The Lifecycle Stages of a Marriage" by Barbara Markey, ND, Ph.D., she explains that relationships proceed in three basic stages. We call them the newlywed stage, the cooperative stage and then the endearing stage. The newlywed stage is the stage of romance and giddy feelings. We are high and the love hormone is racing. We feel that nothing can go wrong. This stage is filled with passion, and we find it easy to give and give, fulfilling all our partner's needs. We tend to romanticize and idealize the “idea” of marriage in this stage. Here, we think because we have the perfect partner we will stay in this stage forever. When this stage starts to shift and change to the next stage, we sometimes feel our love is broken. The cooperative stage is the problem-solving stage. Here, you both start putting most of your efforts into your jobs, raising kids or paying the bills. You may even feel that you’re more in a business relationship than a marriage. This is a stage of utility where you are trading services and here, you have to work at remembering why you even married. You may forget who you are here, and life may be filled with stress and fear. You may have fear you are not good enough and fear of loss that makes your spouse feel like the enemy. You may feel that you have lost real love, but that is only because it's different than before and the sacrifices and struggles of this stage may feel overwhelming. It is at this stage you need to remember that every worthy end we obtain comes with great work. As Thomas Edison states, “The three great essentials to achieve anything worthwhile are, first, hard work; second, stick-to-itiveness; third, common sense.” It takes a great deal of common sense, hard work and maturity to get through this stage of life still admiring and caring for each other. As you and your spouse work your way through this part of life, your character is tested and you will have many opportunities to see your spouse at their best and worst. You will watch them growing, stumbling, rising and learning in the classroom of life. You will have many opportunities to be forgiving in this stage and give your spouse space to learn and be a work in progress — since that is what you both are. You will also have many opportunities to ask forgiveness for your mistakes, faults and flaws. Hopefully as you both fight your way through this stage and life's challenges you will begin to admire each other and focus on the goodness you have inside you. This begins to create the final stage. The endearing stage is the last and best stage. This is the most stable of all the stages and the most rich. This is where you begin to truly know and love the other person. You thought you loved them at the beginning, but you now realize that was just infatuation and attraction, it wasn't real love. Real love is about admiring, respecting, appreciating and honoring the intrinsic worth of this amazing human being your married. It is truly caring for them and their happiness as much as you care about your own (or even more.) It is a space where you love their character, their virtues, their talents, their quirks, their faults and their weaknesses. You now understand both their light and their darkness, but you choose to forgive their faults and completely embrace their light. This is a stage of mature love, understanding and wisdom. By the time you reach this stage, you have probably better learned how to communicate and solve problems together. It is here that you finally know who you are and also who you married. You have learned how to lift each other and how to understand each other at a deeper level. Your expectations are no longer fantasized, they are now realistic, understandable and acceptable. You have arrived at a place of peace. Not perfect bliss with no problems, but a place of deep devotion and connection. So, what is the key to making it through the broken times and achieving the enduring stage? It lies in focusing on admiration for their efforts, their striving, their intentions and their intrinsic worth. They won't ever be perfect and they will continually disappoint you (as you will them), but if you will focus on their goodness and give them the same level of forgiveness and compassion you want back, you can get here. Here are a few other suggestions: Get professional help at the first sign of trouble. Don't wait years (like so many do) until the hurt is deep and the wounds are mortal. A little help from an expert, right now, can make fixing your relationship much easier and faster. If you haven't found someone you both like, keep looking and find someone who can work with you both individually so your focus stays on fixing yourself, not your spouse.
You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com and a life coach, speaker and people skills expert. Kristena Eden is also an author, speaker and Claritypoint coach. This was first published on KSL.COM
Question: I’ve been with my fiancé for 5 years now. In those 5 years, there has been some unfaithfulness and pain she has caused me several times. I will go for long periods of time where I can be happy and just love her but every so often that pain comes up again. Something small can remind me of the hurt she caused and I’m back to square one. I want to truly forgive her so I can be a good husband and won't constantly remind her of what she did to me. But I am still fearful she will hurt me again. Though, I do not want to be. Do you have any steps or any advice for me to get completely healed, so I can love and forgive 100 percent? Please help in any way that you can. Answer: If you can’t let go of the past and forgive, you cannot have a healthy relationship. Healthy, loving relationships are built on a foundation of trust, admiration for each other’s character, respect and appreciation. If you don’t have these things, you won’t be happy and the marriage won’t work. But, I would advise you to take a minute and make sure trusting this person is a good idea first. These feelings could be your intuition telling you this person can’t be trusted. Because there was infidelity more than once, just make sure your distrust comes from irrational fear, not your intuition warning you there is a problem. I wrote an article on When your intuition says your spouse is cheating you might want to read. It explains how to tell the difference between intuition and fear. If you are sure your distrust is fear (and, therefore, your problem to overcome) follow the advice in this article. Here are some ideas to make forgiving faster: 1. Understand you are responsible for your pain. No situation or person can cause you pain. You choose it because your thoughts and your attitude are in your control. No one can take away your pain or give you pain. You alone have that power. If you struggle to understand this principle, download the To Be or Not To Be Upset Worksheet on my website. You must understand you are in control if you haven’t let go of this issue, and it is because the fear has driven part of you that wants to hold onto it. What does holding onto anger about this give you? Answer that question to make sure ego isn’t in play and you don’t have some victim issues. You could subconsciously benefit from your victim story and you could need some help to change that. 2. Choose the perspective that life is a classroom. If this is true, life is constantly conspiring to educate you (make you stronger, wiser and more loving) and this experience is a perfect lesson in your classroom for some reason. It might be here to deepen your loving abilities or teach you how to forgive (the most important skill needed to create a good marriage). If you see your past experiences as your lessons, ones you apparently needed, you won’t take her behavior so personally. It wasn’t really about you being good not enough or you her inability to love you, it was a lesson to help you both grow and become strong enough to make a good marriage work now. At least you could choose this perspective as your story if you wanted to and you will feel more peace about it. Everything you experience is filtered through perspective, so you might as well choose a perspective that serves you, rather than a fearful one. 3. The other person is guilty of bad behavior, but you both have the same infinite and absolute value.This is true because your intrinsic value as a human being cannot change (at least that is a perspective I highly recommend). Forgiveness is easier when you see yourself and other people as innocent, struggling, scared, messed up, but still perfectly valuable students in the classroom of life with lots to learn. This is a very different way to go about forgiveness. The old way is to see someone as guilty and condemn them for their mistakes, and then try to pardon them, because you know you should. This never really works because you are always hung up on the fact that they are guilty. Forgiveness is easier when you let go of judgment altogether and choose to see both of you as infinitely valuable students in the classroom of life, who have nothing to fear because your value isn’t in question. Every mistake is a lesson, but it doesn’t change your value. This idea may take some work to internalize but it will make forgiving much easier. Choose to remind yourself often that all people have the same value. 4. You get what you give. You must give innocence and infinite value to the other person if you want it for yourself. You can’t have it both ways. You can live in judgment of others, condemning and crucifying them for past mistakes if you want to, but if you choose this, you will always experience low self-esteem yourself too. This happens because you are choosing a judgment mindset, and giving power to the idea that people can be NOT good enough and if you choose this, it will always affect how you see yourself too. Your other option is to forgive everyone and completely let go of every misconceived, stupid, selfish, fear-based mistake you or they make. Choose to see both as innocent and forgiven by perfect love, and let them and yourself start over with a clean slate every day. If you choose this you will feel safe, loved, whole and good about yourself. Every time you choose a judgment or mindset remember that you reap what you sow. Choose forgiveness because you want it too. 5. You create what you believe. If you choose distrust and fear your fiance doesn’t really want you, you may literally push her feelings that direction. This happens because your distrust will make you behave in a suspicious, fear based way (that isn’t loving) and this unloving, suspicious behavior will eventually make her fall out of love with you. If you choose distrust you will be the poison that kills your relationship. If you choose to trust and behave in a loving way every day, you could be the love that makes the relationship work and keeps her there. Choose trust because it creates what you want to happen. 6. Bury the past. I recommend you both write down all the past mistakes that you are still holding against each other. Then get a box and put all those mistakes inside it. Together find a spot to bury the box and bury it deep. Commit to each other to let the past go and promise to never bring up anything in that box again unless you are willing to dig up the box first. This is a great way to commit to forgiveness. There is also a Forgiveness Formula Worksheet on my website which may also help you forgive faster. You may want to fill that out. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular life coach, speaker and people skills expert. This was first published on KSL.COM
Question: My wife seems to love our children a lot more than she likes me. She isn’t enthusiastic about intimacy either, and this is a great disappointment to me. Because I don’t feel loved, I find myself frustrated and even angry towards her. I know I hurt her feelings sometimes, but I’m not happy, and this isn’t the marriage I wanted. Having said that, I also don’t want to leave. I want to keep my family together. I am trying to forgive and love her as she is, but it is hard. How am I supposed to deal with this? Is there any way to encourage her to change? Answer: It sounds like what you want is to feel more important, loved and wanted by your wife. The trick to making this happen is to get rid of disappointment. I know it sounds illogical, but your disappointment can be relationship poison that does further damage and infuses your relationship with fear (of failure and loss). The truth is we are all disappointed in our spouses at some level, because no one is perfect and anyone you marry is going to have some faults and flaws. There is a down side to being married to everyone, even you. When you become frustrated with your spouse’s flaws they feel this and subconsciously pull away from you to protect themselves. This happens because all of us are battling two core fears every day, which cause most of our pain and bad behavior. The first is a fear of failure (the fear that we aren’t good enough) and this is our deepest and most painful fear, but fear of loss (the fear of missing out, being robbed or mistreated) is also painful and scary. When you or your spouse experience either of these fears, you end up in a selfish space where your focus is primarily on yourself and getting what you need. In this space you are literally incapable of love. You can’t do fear and love at the same time. I would guess you are both living in fear and therefore not giving enough love to the other. Your wife is probably afraid she isn’t good enough (most women are) which could make her less comfortable with intimacy. Her disinterest in spending time with you triggers your fear of loss. When you feel loss you then act disappointed in her, which makes her feel like a failure even more. This can become a vicious cycle and suck the love from the relationship. This is fixable, but it is going to require a shift in your perspective, some forgiveness and a commitment to being more loving and validating than you ever have before. Here are some things you can do to create more positive feelings, less fear and less disappointment in your marriage: 1. Allow your emotions in and sit with them. Take some time to experience the disappointment you are feeling. You may want to journal about your feelings so you have a chance to express them without further hurting your spouse. What expectation did you have that is causing your greatest pain? 2. Ask yourself, "Are these emotions going to create what I want?" What is it going to create if you keep telling yourself this story of disappointment and continue to feel anger and resentment toward your spouse? Is this going to motivate your spouse to give you what you want? The answer is no, it won’t. Holding onto feelings of disappointment toward your spouse will only trigger more fear of failure in your spouse, which will actually make her less loving toward you. Fear, sadness, self-pity, begging, blaming, nagging and sulking do not create loving feelings. These are fear and lack behaviors, which only create more fear and lack. If you want more love you have to give love, encouragement, praise, appreciation, admiration, respect and kindness. These create more love. 3. Ask yourself, "How can I create what I want?" We recommend you try the encouragement approach and shower your spouse with appreciation, respect, admiration and praise. Instead of focusing on your disappointment, write on paper all the good things about her and who she can be and choose to focus on those. The opposite of disappointment is gratitude. Show your spouse you are grateful to have her in your life and mean it! We have found that when a person feels greatly loved, appreciated, admired and wanted, they become a lot more giving back. Tell her how lucky you are to be married to her and make sure you are not being loving with strings attached. You cannot expect anything back. You must build her up and give to her because you are working on becoming a more loving person, not just to get what you want. If you will consistently show up for her and give more, it should start to change how she feels about you. (If you try these things for a long time and still get nothing back, you may then decide this relationship isn’t working for you. But don’t throw in the towel until you have done your part to give love, to the best of your ability first.) 4. Never cast your spouse as the bad one. It is human nature to want to see others as worse than us. We subconsciously do this because casting anyone else as the bad one makes us feel like the good one, but this is rarely accurate. And all human beings have the same infinite, intrinsic worth and deserve to be treated and respected as your equal. You must also remember that though you may not have the same flaws as your spouse, you do have flaws. Committing to see your spouse as the same as you, especially during conversations with her, will make her feel safer and less defensive. Admit when you are wrong, apologize often and let your spouse see your heart is soft, teachable and open. This will create a safer space for her to do the same. Seeing her as the bad one will not make her want more intimacy either. We like and are drawn to the people who like us. Show her she is wanted, admired and liked, and she will grow more and more fond of you again. 5. Trust that your life is the perfect classroom for you. You are here to learn and grow, and your marriage is the class that will teach you the most important lessons on love. We always marry our greatest teacher (for better or worse) we sign up for this class. This person is going to help you grow by pushing your buttons, triggering your fears and thus help you to stretch and become stronger, wiser and more loving. That is the real purpose of this relationship. (I know this because it's the purpose of our whole journey.) So, figure out and focus on the lessons your unique marriage experience (with your spouse) could be meant to teach you. This is your opportunity to grow in love, strength and wisdom. Marriage is hard because you get to see the very worst of another person, and they get to experience the worst of you, yet you both must learn to forgive and accept each other anyway. This is a challenge, but you are meant to conquer it. You can do this. The more you accept this person and this situation as your perfect classroom and focus on improving you, the better the relationship will be. Once you have created a more safe and loving space in your marriage, you can then communicate with your spouse about what you want to change. You should ask her what you can do better to make her happier and then share what you would really appreciate in the future from her. Just don't have these conversations while in fear and judgment. Communicate only when you are firmly grounded in trust and love. Get a free worksheet to help you process disappointment or take the free fear assessment and start working on your fear issues here. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the CEO of claritypointcoaching.com and an expert in simple psychology. Kristena Eden is a Claritypoint certified coach who works with couples and families. |
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AuthorKimberly Giles is the president and founder of Claritypoint Life Coaching and 12 SHAPES INC. She is an author and professional speaker. She was named one of the top 20 advice gurus in the country by Good Morning America in 2010. She appears regularly on local and national TV and Radio. Archives
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