Searchable Blog Coach Kim Giles from KSL.COM
  • Blog/Articles
  • About
  • Contact
  • Search
  • Blog/Articles
  • About
  • Contact
  • Search

Are you the problem in your relationship?

9/5/2016

1 Comment

 
Picture
This was first published on KSL.COM

Question:

I’m a good looking woman in my 50s and I’m devastated right now because the man I was dating, who I was in love with and who said he was in love with me, broke up with me last year and I still feel horribly torn up about it. I know I have a tendency to be a teller and a screamer, and I don’t like this about myself, but I really think if someone loved me, they should give me a chance to learn how to approach disagreements in a more positive way. But he didn’t give me that chance. I know I also have trust issues, but I just need a good partner to stay with me and help me overcome these issues and communicate better. I am now thinking he didn’t really ever love me, because he wouldn’t stay with me to help me. How can I get someone who will give me a chance to do better?

Answer:

I’m assuming when you say you are a “teller and a screamer” that you have a subconscious tendency to talk a lot, get upset easily, and handle confrontations badly. You also said you have trust issues, which I assume means you are subconsciously on the lookout for mistreatment and insults all the time, and you probably find them quite often too, because you always find what you’re looking for.

I’m going to be blunt with you here, because I really want to help you. The truth is, you cannot expect anyone to love you enough to put up with drama, fear, constant defensiveness, yelling and immature behavior for long. You are going to have to do some serious work on yourself, learn how to process emotions and situations in an accurate way and communicate how you feel with respect towards others. Screaming might make some people listen to you, but I guarantee in the long run it is making people lose respect for you (even your children).

You may have learned screaming and yelling worked for getting what you wanted when you were young, but it’s never going to work for you as an adult. It is time to grow up and get control of yourself. I have some good worksheets on my website for learning to process emotions you should read. They may help you to recognize why you are upset and find some better ways to respond.

If you get offended and see mistreatment often and you are not good at handling disagreements or mistreatment in a calm, respectful way, it’s time to take some responsibility for your relationships and stop looking for others to blame.

I have another important worksheet on my website called the Are You The Problem worksheet and I highly recommend that you fill it out and score yourself. Maybe you will find out you aren’t as bad as you think, but if you are honest with yourself and find you are high on most of the questions, it’s time to get to work changing some things, starting with your policies and procedures.

From 0 to 7 years old, everything you see or experience creates policies, beliefs or conclusions about the world, your value, your family and how things work. You are also experimenting with different procedures or social techniques, and whatever worked (or what you saw most often) became your procedures for dealing with others. If you grew up around some dysfunctional relatives, you may have learned some really bad procedures, but you can break that chain and change your behavior. It will take some work, but you can do it.

I believe changing your subconscious relationship behavior must start with changing some of your fundamental beliefs about yourself, others and life. If you see these things in a fear-based way, you are going to react badly to most situations. With my clients, I start by helping them adopt these two basic principles or policies:

  1. Your intrinsic value is not in question. It is infinite and absolute and no one can diminish it with their opinions, words or actions. All human beings have the same worth, all the time, no matter what. You are different from others (and experiencing a totally different classroom journey than they are) but your value is always the same. Understanding this means not getting as insulted or upset when others don’t like you, approve of you or criticize you. These experiences are just interesting lessons to help you practice being strong, but they don’t affect your value. You must practice trusting this is truth every day and make it one of the policies that governs the way you see yourself and all other people. This principle will quiet your fear of not being good enough, and this fear is usually behind most bad behavior.
  2. You are here on the planet to learn and grow, in a process of becoming. Everything that happens to you is today’s lesson to help you get there. These lessons are always opportunities to step it up and become more wise, loving, strong and in control of yourself. This is what the process of maturing is all about. Your family members and friends all serve as teachers in your life. When they offend or upset you, it’s just today’s chance to practice being mature and wise. The more you work at seeing each experience accurately — as today’s lesson — the less upset and out of control you will be.
Each of us suffer to some degree (every day) with the same two core fears, the fear of failure (that we might not be good enough) and the fear of loss (that we might be taken from or treated unfairly). Most of us are more sensitive to one of the two than the other. You can ask yourself, “Am I more often upset because I feel insulted or not good enough? Or because I feel taken from or mistreated?” Once you understand which is a bigger trigger for you, you will also know which of the two principles above you need to work on most.

If you get insulted easy, keep working on seeing all human beings as having the same infinite value. If you experience loss more, practice seeing your life and every thing that happens as your perfect classroom every day. These will help you over-react less and become more mature and calm.

I also recommend that you consider getting some coaching or attend classes on relationship, communication and mindfulness skills. They would make a huge difference in your next relationship. I also think it's time to let go of the hurt over that last one. It was a lesson and taught you some things, but it's time to move on and trust that better things lie ahead.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a life coach, speaker and people skills expert.

1 Comment
top essay writing services link
3/29/2017 05:43:36 am

Relationships need full faith in each other and to be supportive in difficulties to each other. The relationships are very sensitive so we need to be careful in making them firm. The breakups in relation may be possible due to mistakes from your side.

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Search for Help

    Visit www.12shapes.com
    and
    Claritypointcoaching.com
    FOR MORE FREE
    RESOURCES
    ​
    Coaching is less expensive than you think -  If you need help we can find you a coach you can afford. 
    Call Tiffany
    801-201-8315

    Categories

    All
    Abuse
    Aging
    Anger
    Blended Families
    Boundaries
    Changing Emotions
    Choices
    Christmas
    Clear Thinking
    Communication
    Critisism
    Dating
    Dealing With The Past
    Decisions
    Depression
    Difficult People
    Discouragement
    Divorce
    Empathy
    Equality
    Family
    Fighting
    Forgiveness
    Goals
    Happiness
    Helping Other People
    Human Behavior
    Illness
    Intimacy
    Kindness
    Listening
    Love
    Marriage
    Mental Health
    Mistakes
    Money
    New Year
    Overcoming Fear
    Overwhelm
    Pandemic
    Parenting
    People Skills
    Pornography
    Procrastination
    Regret
    Relationships
    Religion
    Responsibility
    Self Care
    Self-care
    Self Esteem
    Self Improvement
    Selfpity
    Sex
    Solving Problems
    Step Families
    Step-families
    Technology
    Teens
    Tragedy
    Trusting Life
    Trust Issues
    Values
    Victim Mentality
    Work

    Take the Clarity Assessment
    Join our Mailing List

    Author

    Kimberly Giles is the president and founder of Claritypoint Life Coaching and 12 SHAPES INC.  She is an author and professional speaker. She was named one of the top 20 advice gurus in the country by Good Morning America in 2010. She appears regularly on local and national TV and Radio.

     She writes a regular weekly advice column that is published on KSL.com every Monday. She is the author of the books Choosing Clarity and The People Guidebook. 

    Go to www.12shapes.com to improve all your relationships. 


    Archives​

    March 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    December 2011
    October 2011
    September 2011
    August 2011
    July 2011
    June 2011
    May 2011
    April 2011

    RSS Feed

Proudly powered by Weebly