Question:
My daughter is angry, difficult and unmotivated. She has been breaking rules and I suspect she is making some really bad choices when she is away from home. I hate that I have no relationship with her except to try to enforce rules because she won’t talk to me. Every interaction with her is strained right now, and I don’t know how to change this and get my sweet daughter back. Answer: She is still your sweet daughter, she is just scared and in pain. When someone is functioning from fear and pain, they often aren't very nice and get defensive easy. It also sounds like you have reached the stage where she is doing whatever she wants, so the days of trying to control her are over. The more you try to control her, the more she will pull away from you emotionally. What works at this stage is to become a “side by side” partner in figuring life out with your teen. But the key to creating this connection is to respect them, trust them and give them a heavy dose of unconditional love and appreciation. If you can do these things, she will let you be a partner and even talk to you. Shefali Tsabary, author of "The Conscious Parent," says, “If our teens are failing at school or are unmotivated, it’s because they are trying to tell us something is wrong … if you respond with control or dogmatism, you will only push them further away. The less rigid you are with them, the more likely they are to maintain a relationship with you. If you are overbearing and possessive, this will only serve to catapult them further into negative behavior. … At this point we have to remove ourselves from any illusion we can control their life. The only way to gain access to them is through rebuilding our lost connection.” Rebuilding your connection is going to happen through acceptance, trust, respect and unconditional love. You must accept her as she is right now. This is not about accepting her behavior, it is about accepting her as a human being as she is, where she is. You must set aside your expectations for how you wanted her to be and show her that who she is now — is good enough for you. You must show that her bad behavior doesn’t scare you, because you know she is gold inside and will figure the rest out in time. Acceptance means focusing on your child’s intrinsic qualities more than on her performance. This may mean you get to learn how to be in awe of every human soul and their goodness, potential and intrinsic value, more than you ever have before. We are all one-of-a-kind, powerful, unique, irreplaceable, amazing, divine, infinitely valuable beings even if we are not acting like one right now. You are truly lucky to have this amazing soul in your life. She is in your life to teach you lessons and she deserves your admiration, appreciation, love and acceptance as much as you or any other person on the planet does. Shefali Tsabary recommends saying things like: You amaze me. I'm so lucky to be your parent. I am in awe of who you are. I am amazed by your spirit and spunk. Your capacity for kindness and fun are so beautiful. Your ability to imagine is extraordinary. You have greatness in you, kid. You are a special person. I see such huge potential in your future because of your strength and fire, or quiet mindfulness, or interesting creative ideas. Whatever your child has inside them (as far as qualities and attributes) make sure you see them and praise them often. Don’t worry about results or performance at this point. If you focus on helping her see and accept her own goodness and value, the accomplishments will follow eventually, but without some acceptance and appreciation for who she is now, she can’t and won’t have the confidence to achieve. You can still talk about performance in terms of what she learned from each experience and might do better next time, but make sure she understands her performance isn't tied to her value. You must also trust God and the universe that your child is safe in this journey, as are you. Life is a classroom, and though the journey may be a rough one and your child may suffer and learn some things the hard way, in the big real end, everything is going to be OK. When you trust God and the universe about this, you will have less fear and more connection. You must also trust your teen to make good choices (even if you have some fear that they won’t.) You must do this because if they can feel you don’t trust them, it further damages their self-worth and your connection with them. It's always better to trust and be wrong than to distrust and be wrong. When she feels you trust her ability to make it in life, she is more likely to want to live up to your belief in her. If she feels you don’t trust her to make it, she is more likely to live up to that too. (If they have proven you can't trust them, you still have no control, so telling them you trust them anyway won't hurt and it may motivate or inspire them.) You must respect your teen. This means honoring their right to choose their own path and be their own person. It means listening more than you talk and actually respecting how they think and feel. It means biting your tongue and asking permission before you give advice or make suggestions. It means creating a safe place where they can talk to you about anything. If this is hard for you to do, you may need to get some professional help to work on your own fears first. Remember respect is a two-way street, and if you want to get it you must give it. Unconditional love is what they need most. Your daughter needs to feel that you are on her side regardless of her performance, grades, appearance or religious standing. They must feel unconditionally loved where they are right now. What most parents don’t realize is that a deep fear of inadequacy is the real problem with most kids, and the cure is not criticism or punishment for bad behavior (that was only a cry for help anyway). They need boundaries but they also need to feel your unconditional love, admiration, respect and trust because this helps them to feel their intrinsic worth, which will patch up the real issue that caused the bad behavior to begin with. Here are seven important things you can do to help your child at any age:
You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a coach and speaker.
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This article was first published on KSL.com
Question: I have a preteen who is struggling with school and I want to learn how to better communicate with him so we can have peace and love in our relationship now and in the coming years. I realize that I get upset when he doesn't get his work done because I have a fear of him failing and of not being a good parent. What else can I do to stop reacting badly when I get triggered? What else can I do to build a more peaceful relationship with him? Answer: There are four things you must do to get your reacting (temper, panic and anxiety) under control so you can be a better parent.
Understand that you have fears around failure and loss that trigger you and produce reactive bad behavior — and you would be dealing with these issues whether your child was in your life or not. This means your child cannot be blamed for your anger, frustration, anxiety and fear of looking bad or losing control. Your emotions and bad behavior (which do show up when your child triggers you) are not really about them. These situations with your child are just showing you your issues so you can work on them. Tsabary said, “Through our children we get orchestra seats to the complex theatrics of our own immaturity. They awaken our unresolved emotional issues from our childhood. Nevertheless, because our children are vulnerable and mostly powerless, we feel free to blame them for our reactivity.” We must stop doing this and grow up, which leads us to the next step…
Whenever someone attacks or offends you, you get to decide is it a cut through water, which is immediately gone, a cut through sand, which might be gone by tomorrow, or a cut through stone, which will be there for decades. I recommend being water. Learning to live with calm acceptance of situations, lovingly and calmly working through emotions to create what you want, without attachment to the outcome, because you trust the process of life — this will create the mature, loving, peaceful relationship you want with your son. Just keep working on controlling yourself. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular coach and speaker. This article was first published on KSL.COM
Question: We have a daughter that we are struggling with. She is independent and stubborn and she rebels against everything we say. She has also rejected our religion, which causes us great heartache, and she is very disrespectful. We are really at a loss at what else to do to control her and wondered if you had any advice? Do you ever work with wayward teens or young adults? Answer: I do recommend coaching for some teens, but it is usually much more effective to get the parents in coaching. You (the parents) are the ones who have the power to change the relationship with your child. You are the only one who can. My advice to you is to work on these three things: 1) Seeing your parenting job in a new way; 2) not trying to control and instead work to connect with your child; and 3) work on being more conscious — less scared and more loving. I will explain each of these in detail. Seeing your parenting job in a new way is the first step to changing this relationship. You must remember that you are here in the classroom of life to learn and love — and you and your child are both the students and the teachers here. You will teach your child many important things, but she will probably teach you more than you will ever teach her. In my favorite parenting book “The Conscious Parent” by Shefali Tsabary, he says, “It’s my experience that the relationship between parent and child exists for the primary purpose of the parent's transformation, and only secondary for the raising of the child.” This idea completely changed the way I parent. Your children will be your greatest teachers and you must start seeing them this way, if you are going to repair your relationship. Your children are your greatest teachers because: 1) They have the ability to trigger your two core fears better than anyone else. When your child behaves badly, it triggers your fear of failure as a parent (looking bad) and your fear of loss (losing them). No one can scare you as well as your children, and your behavior is its worst when you are scared. It is really a beautiful thing to have these little people around you day and night who can so effectively trigger your fears and give you so many opportunities to practice growing up, trusting God, letting go of your attachments, your need for control and your need for approval. Isn’t that an amazing gift? 2) They have picked up most of your fears and bad habits and when they act out, they are usually mirroring back to you your own behavior or subconscious anger or pain. This gives you the opportunity to see it and become more conscious of why you carry that anger and pain. Have you noticed that you always struggle most with the child who is most like you? This is because they are showing you what you need to work on and it bothers you. Tsabary says, “The inappropriate behavior of your children is a call to increased consciousness on your part” This child is in your life to help you grow, learn and overcome your shortcomings and fears. If you see your daughter as your teacher, it will change everything. You will be more focused on changing you (the one thing you have control over) instead of trying to control her. I promise this will help. Stop trying to control and instead work to connect with your child. I think the biggest problem in most families is that they are parenting from a place of ego, control, force, fear and neediness. (If you are doing this it is because it’s what you learned from your parents.) Your parents were probably afraid and suffering from self-esteem and anger issues, and because of this they parented with a top down style. Top down means having an "I am the boss, I have the power and the control, and you must meet my expectations and do what I say … or else" kind of attitude. Ego-driven parents are mainly focused on getting the behavior they need from their children. They need the children to make them look good and feel a sense of safety and control. (Can you own some of this in yourself?) Imagine trying to create a relationship with a friend or co-worker from this space. Do you think they would like you? Or would they rebel and push against being treated this way? Of course they would. The oppressed and controlled always rebel. Tsabary says if you want to connect with your child you must set aside any sense of superiority over them, let go of your expectations about how they should behave, stop trying to control them, and make your number one job being aware of your ego and fear, get it under control, and choose love toward your child. I find it helps to remember that I am not really in charge of this child and their education - God is. He is also good at this job and doesn’t need me to control or force anyone. He just wants me to learn, serve and love. This does not mean being overly permissive though. You must still have boundaries and discipline in your parenting, but you must enforce them from a place of trust, love, mutual respect and understanding, not from a place of force, control or ego. You can do this by listening, honoring and respecting your child more. This is how connection happens. You must honor their unique essence, their ideas and feelings. You must ask questions and create a safe place (without judgment or fear) where they can share what they are experiencing and talk through those experiences. You could even occupy a space that says “How about we look at life and the options it presents and figure out what makes the most sense as far as your choices, and do it together?” I once asked my son if he would be honest with me about behavior I suspected was happening. He said, I can do that mom, if you can promise me you can handle the truth without freaking out (reacting from your fear). He was asking me if I could set my stuff aside and not make his choices about me. Could I really show up for him and talk about what he was experiencing without fear and judgment in the mix? Could I keep this about him, support and love? If you want a real connection with your daughter, you must stop trying to control her. You must put all your effort into unconditional love and connection with her. You are both struggling students in the classroom of life, with much more to learn. You must not squelch her spirit or her self-worth with disapproval and control. You can still set limits and have rules in your home, but you must enforce them with open, honest, calm, loving, rational conversations. There is a worksheet on my website for Mutually Validating Conversations that might help you learn to do this. Work on being more conscious — less scared and more loving. Tsabary said, “To parent consciously we have to become astute observers of our own behavior when we are with our children.” I have found a very simple way to do this. Understand that there are really only two options, In every moment you are in one of two places:
If you show up in love energy people will feel safe with you, respect and honor you, be drawn to you and want to be around you. This is the kind of energy you want in your relationship with your child, one of mutual validation, concern, respect and love. You can create this kind of relationship but it must be earned through love-based behavior, it cannot be demanded. Tsabary says, "While you believe your most important challenge is to raise your children well, there is a more important task you must attend to, which is the foundation of effective parenting. This task is to raise yourself into the most awakened and present individual you can be.” This is going to take some work — but you can do it. Click here to learn about the book "The Conscious Parent." Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a coach and speaker. This article was first published on KSL.COMQuestion:
As a new school year approaches, I am noticing the dread of homework time again at our home. My son, who is still struggling to read, can be having a great day and when I just say the words "It's time for homework," it turns into such a battle and it's hard to know where to push and not let reading be such a negative thing. Do you have some tips for homework time and how I can manage it better? Answer: This is a tricky one because your stubborn child knows you can’t force him to think, write or read. You can force him to sit at the table, but you can’t force much more than that. So force isn’t the way to go. The most important thing is that you don't lose it. A child in meltdown will trigger your two core fears: failure and loss (failing as a parent and losing a child who is headed for failure in life). You must stay in trust about your value and in trust with your classroom journey of life if you are going to help your child. Remember that your value isn’t on the line here, and this isn't the end of the world, no matter how bad tonight is. I am going to address some common homework meltdown, power struggle, and discouragement issues though, and give you some advice for each, but the very first thing you must do (if your child is struggling with homework) is find out if your child has any kind of learning problem. If the homework seems too hard, his reading comprehension seems low or he has trouble with math, it could be a serious disability or even a minor learning style difference. If you suspect this kind of problem, have your child tested and ask the school to help you set up an education plan that works better for him. You could also explore how he learns best on your own. Try teaching him using different methods (visual, verbal and experiential) and see which one he relates to. There is also an article I wrote back in 2012 on tips for starting the school year right you may want to read. Here are some common problems and tips for battling homework fear.
Also remember that each night’s homework is a lesson (in your classroom of life) and another opportunity to practice being wise, mature and loving. You won’t always handle it perfectly, but you will always get another chance to practice tomorrow. Just keep working at it — and you can do this! Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a coach and speaker. This was first published on KSL.COM
Question: There is almost no physical intimacy in my marriage and I miss the sexual activity I thought I would have when I got married. I find myself resenting my wife and feeling frustrated because I did not get married to see how long I could go without sex. I feel discouraged with myself because I should be able to "suck it up" and stop having these feelings of resentment. I keep telling myself that maybe this is a challenge I am supposed to overcome, yet I sometimes talk to a friend who says I'm crazy to put up with it. Any suggestions? Answer: I get letters with basically this same question at least twice a week, so you are not alone on this one. I’d like to address the problem and then give some suggestions to both husbands and wives on fixing this situation. For many, the heart of the problem is that while most boys grow up hearing positive things about sex, most women grew up hearing nothing but shameful negatives. Women who were sexual were seen as sluts, and sex was talked about like it was dirty and wrong. As teens, many women are still curious about sex, which means they are open to learning about it, but now they have the negative subconscious programming. Needless to say, many women from Christian families are ill-prepared for marriage and don't understand how important sex is in their relationship and how beautiful it can be. Then, add to that resentment, hurt feelings and betrayals of trust that often happen (like criticism that makes a woman feel emotionally unsafe) or to find out that a husband has been looking at pornography (which makes sex feel more dirty) and many women lose interest in the whole thing. This is a complex issue and it can’t be fixed in an article, but repairing the intimacy in your relationship is vital. You cannot have a healthy relationship without it. There is a reason they call it “making love.” It is the most meaningful way to express love for another person. Also remember the main reason you are here on this planet is to learn and grow, and especially to learn to love. Your marriage is going to be the most important class you will take on this subject. So whatever the disconnect is between you and your wife, you are both going to have to grow and become more loving to fix it. Here are some things each spouse can do to start the process of repairing intimacy in their marriage. Husbands: 1) Be more kind, appreciative and validating: Most women can’t feel amorous when they don't feel emotionally safe. Does your wife feel resentful, angry or walked on at any level? If you are prone to criticism, sarcasm, negative comments or if you just don’t give enough positive validation, this could be a huge part of the problem. Your wife needs to feel admired, appreciated and cherished. She needs to see that you feel lucky to be married to such an amazing woman. (If you have been disappointed because of her sexuality issues and she feels this, it could be making her pull away further to protect herself.) She needs to be showered with praise and appreciation for who she is, as she is. Nothing makes a woman more interested in a man than him thinking she is the most amazing woman in the world. 2) Be the kind of man she can look up to: If you are voluntarily slacking in your responsibilities either in or out of the home, you need to step it up. This may mean exercising and getting in shape, spending less time in front of the TV or finding a better job. You may even ask her what you could be doing that would make her admire you more. She may want to see you deal with some of your own self-esteem, abandonment, career or emotional issues. This could mean getting some professional help and working on you. If you do this and gain some confidence, that will also make you more attractive. 3) Be more generous and giving: This means setting aside your own needs and focusing more on what she needs. This may mean helping around the house and with the children more. It could also mean honoring her feelings when she needs a good night’s rest. Being resentful or complaining that she isn't meeting your needs, isn't showing love and it makes you just as unloving as her. Most couples find it works better if you let the woman initiate sex. I know you fear that if you do this, it will never happen, but being patient and giving her a chance to do this could reverse the cycle of her feeling taken from and you feeling rejected. Now, she might feel more motivated to give to you, and trust me, it will mean more to you when she does. Remember, women must feel emotionally safe and totally admired, accepted and cherished for every part of who they are before they can give sex as an expression of love. When you give more to them, they will want to give more to you. (If she doesn't respond to this, there are deeper issues in play.) 4) Avoid pornography: Pornography will harm your marriage in two ways. One, it will create unrealistic expectations that a normal wife and mother will not be comfortable fulfilling and two, it will trigger body image fears and feelings of betrayal that are difficult for a woman to get past. If a pornography problem has already created these issues in your marriage, you may both need some professional help to repair them. The good news is that you can repair them. They are not the end of the world, but you must get some help. Wives: 1) See a doctor or mental health professional: If you suspect a physical or psychological problem is in play, seek out some professional help. There are hormone imbalances and medications that can negatively affect libido. You also want to make sure you don’t have experiences in your past that are creating negative feelings around sex. 2) Be more forgiving: I believe forgiveness is the No. 1 lesson you are here to learn in the classroom of life, and your marriage is the class where you will learn it. You must understand that you are no better than your spouse. You have the same exact value (even if he has made mistakes). You may not have made those mistakes, but you have made other ones, and your inability to forgive him is every bit as bad as his faults and weaknesses. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but you need to hear this. You are in here to learn to become a better, more loving person. If you don’t learn this lesson now and forgive him for being imperfect, the universe will keep bringing this lesson back until you do. I have written numerous articles on forgiveness that may help, and there are two forgiveness worksheets on mywebsite that might help. (Obviously, if you have an abusive spouse, then you need professional help immediately. But most of you just have a struggling, scared and occasionally clueless spouse who should be forgiven and given another chance, just like you. ) 3) Be more generous and giving: This means setting aside your needs and focusing more on giving to your spouse and caring for him. This will mean initiating sex and doing it often. Sex is a more meaningful experience for all involved if the woman initiates it and enjoys it. A man desperately wants to be wanted by his wife and honestly gets more out of pleasing you than getting his own needs met. Your man wants sex to be an expression of love for each other, and a “quicky” that gets it over fast isn’t fulfilling to him at all. (Imagine how you would feel if he told you to go take a relaxing bubble bath as his gift to you — “Oh but can you just jump in and out real quick.”) That is not an expression of love. I know that as a mother you give and give, and some nights you have nothing left, but you must set aside time and energy to give to your spouse if you want a marriage that lasts and a spouse who takes care of you. 4) Work on your self-esteem: If you have body image issues or suffer from fears that you aren’t good enough, you are literally incapable of giving love the way you should be. Most women suffer greatly from feelings of inadequacy, and these feelings must be repaired if you want a healthy marriage. We believe most people need professional coaching or counseling to change this. Ask your spouse to help pay for this, because a confident woman has more to give. 5) Communicate: Tell your husband exactly what he can do or change that would make you more attracted to him. Be frank and honest and kind. If there is no way that you can get past issues, or the issues are things he can’t change, you need to be honest about that too, so he can decide if this relationship is right for him. I believe you should try everything in your power to repair your marriage and learn the powerful lessons your relationship can teach you, but for some of you the lesson could mean loving yourself enough to get out, especially if the other person isn’t capable or interested in changing. Only you know which path is right for you. Just make sure you have done the work on yourself first and learned how to forgive. That way you won't repeat the same pattern. I would say don't "suck it up live with it." Instead, take action and get some help to fix the underlying issues. You can do this! First published on KSL.com
Question: My husband is very sarcastic and I have struggled to know how to cope with his sarcastic remarks. Some of my hurt comes from fear that he is actually feeling what he says and that sarcasm is his passive-aggressive way to convey what he really feels. I have a hard time deciphering what is joking versus what is real when he talks. I have tried to talk to him about it, but he says I need to lighten up. I'm trying to combat it from within but need a little bit more of a boost. Can you help with this? Answer: You may want to ask your spouse to read this article because once he understands why he is sarcastic, he may be more motivated to change it. Oscar Wilde said “Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.” This is because sarcastic comments, though humorous, are usually passive-aggressive, mean and uncomfortable for the people receiving them. The dictionary defines sarcasm as “the use of irony to mock or convey contempt; a sharply ironical taunt; sneering or cutting remark.” None of these sound like validating communication to me. If you use sarcasm you must ask yourself, what are you trying to accomplish with your communication? What kind of relationship do you want? Are you striving to be funny at the expense of others? Or do you want to build relationships of trust and love? Do you care how other people feel? Or are you only interested in entertaining yourself? Sarcastic people often see teasing as tough love and believe people should be able to handle it. They also think saying “just kidding” after a sarcastic remark makes it OK, even if it hurts. They usually see themselves as funny people, even if they are the only ones laughing. In reality, sarcastic people usually have a fear problem. (I know some of you aren’t convinced yet, that every problem is a fear problem, but keep looking at it because it’s true.) They are usually battling either a fear of not being good enough (the fear of failure) or the fear of being taken from (the fear of loss). They need to step back and figure out why they need to be sarcastic. Here are some common reasons you might be sarcastic: 1. You fear you aren’t good enough, so you subconsciously put others down so you can feel superior.The worse you feel about yourself the more biting your remarks toward others could be. Insecure people have to put others down or tease them, in order to feel important and of value themselves. If this is your issue you may need some professional help to improve your self-worth. 2. Sarcasm is also a way of asking for what you want when you are scared to ask for it directly. You might crack a joke about your wife’s crazy shoes because you don’t know how to just say you don’t like them. But your sarcastic remark leaves your wife unsure about what you really think. Were you joking or serious? If you don’t know how to say things in a way that won’t hurt, you make a joke, which usually still hurts, but creates a space where if she takes offense, it’s her problem. If this is your issue, you need to improve your communication skills. 3. Sarcasm may be passive-aggressive anger. This happens because you feel taken from, insulted or annoyed by this person and you really want to take a jab at them. Sarcasm is a way to take a jab without being seen as mean. A joke absolves you of responsibility for their feelings. If this is your issue, you need to learn how to resolve the issue you are angry about. 4. You may feel angry at life for the disappointments or abuse you have suffered. Sarcasm can be a way to take out your anger toward life or vent your frustration. The more life does you wrong, the more biting your remarks toward others could be. If this is your issue you need to learn how to use your life experiences to make you better not bitter. 5. If you were teased in a cruel way, put down or made to feel inferior as a child, you may be subconsciously trying to get the upper hand now. You may look down on others and jokingly strike at them as a way to feel superior and powerful. Again, you may need some help to improve your self-esteem so you can show up with love. 6. You like to get attention by entertaining those around you with humor. You probably need this attention to validate your worth. You need this attention so badly you will do it at the expense of other people. Fear creates subconsciously selfish behavior, but this can be fixed. There are lots of way to be funny without hurting other people. Just take a minute, if you are the sarcastic person, and honestly ask yourself if any of these issues could be behind your sarcastic comments. John Haiman, a linguist at Malcalester College says “People who use sarcasm are rarely kidding. The words come from an authentic place, but it’s wrapped up as a joke for protection. Essentially, sarcasm is a survival technique for the insecure. It’s used to make yourself appear stronger and better, but it’s not said with enough seriousness for anyone to accuse you of being a jerk.” You may need to practice “think before you speak." This means checking yourself before you make a comment. Is it... true, helpful, inspiring, necessary and kind. You can be funny all you want, but if you do it at the expense of other people there will be consequences. People will not feel safe with you or like you. If the people on the receiving end of your sarcasm are your friends and family this cost will be high. If you are living with a sarcastic person here are a couple suggestions for dealing with it:
You must also continue to work on feeling bulletproof, no matter what anyone does or says. As you become stronger your husband will be forced to see his own insecurities for what they are. I hope he will be open to changing, but either way you can be happy and feel good about yourself. Just keep reminding yourself that his comments can't diminish you. Your value is absolute. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular coach and speaker. First Published on KSL.comQuestion:
How do I get my family to appreciate all I do for them? I feel largely taken for granted and am rarely thanked. Sometimes I go overboard to do something nice for them, and I hardly get a thank you. Sometimes they even complain about the one thing I didn’t do. How can I get them to appreciate me? Answer: Cynthia Ozick said, “We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude.” I would add, we often take for granted the people who most deserve our gratitude, too. Parents and spouses are often taken for granted because their service or help is expected, and therefore not seen as anything special. There is no question this is wrong. We should appreciate every act of service, however small, done on our behalf. But it is a tricky thing “getting” the people in your life to appreciate you, especially if they weren’t raised with a gratitude attitude. You also have no control over other people, but there are some things you can do differently that may change their attitude toward you. This will mean changing your attitude when you serve people and creating a healthy balance between serving others and taking care of yourself. 1) Make sure you have a healthy sense of your own self-worth If you suffer from low self-esteem, you are always in need of validation from other people to make you feel better. The people in your life can subconsciously feel your neediness, and it makes them see you as a taker, not a giver — even when you are giving to them. It makes them feel that your gifts have strings attached. You are giving to them so that you will get the appreciation and validation you need. Over time, this will even make them resent your gifts of service because they are really about you, not them. When you give gifts of service as real gifts of love, needing nothing in return, it feels like a real gift to the receiver and it is more likely to be appreciated. (You can’t build healthy relationships if you are drowning in fear that you aren’t good enough. You may need to work with a counselor or coach to fix your self-esteem.) 2) Make sure what you are doing is really for them — not for you What I mean is make sure they actually want or care about what you are giving them. Do you know their love language? Do you know what makes them feel loved or are you giving what you wish to receive? For example, I have seen housewives work hard to keep a perfect house when no one in her family cares about having a perfect house except her. You can’t expect them to value what you value. If appreciation is your goal, then do things that are meaningful to them. You may want to actually ask them what gifts mean something to them. If a perfect house is important to you, then clean it for you and don’t worry about appreciation. Men who work night and day to make more money may want to ask their spouse and children if they value having that much money or if they would rather have more time with a happy dad. 3) Make sure you are taking care of your own needs This means sometimes saying no and not doing as much for them. When you start feeling bothered by the amount you are giving and the lack of gratitude, it is usually a sign that you are out of balance. You are probably giving too much and neglecting your own needs. If you give too much and are constantly sacrificing yourself for other people, you are setting a bad example. Yes, that is what I said. You are actually teaching them that YOU don’t matter as much as they do. If you do this for a long time, they will come to see you as less important. They will expect you to sacrifice yourself all the time and they will take those sacrifices for granted. You will also start to resent them for not appreciating you, and this will further damage your relationship. You must get your family used to seeing your value as the same as theirs. This will also make them appreciate the times you sacrifice to serve them. Your gifts will have more value if they are a little more rare. If you have a healthier balance between giving and taking, you will also feel happier and have more to give. Remember it is your job to make sure your needs are met. You must take time every week to nurture yourself and have some fun. Trust me, you will be a better parent and spouse if you do a little less for them and a little more for you. 4) Set an example of gratitude Children learn gratitude by example. Let them see you sending thank-you notes or going out of your way to thank the people in your life. Encourage them to send thank-you notes for every kindness they receive. Make sure you are grateful for every act of kindness or service they render to you. Make appreciation a family tradition. It will also help if you make serving those who are less fortunate a regular family experience. My children had the opportunity to work in orphanages in Mexico growing up, and these experiences created lots of appreciation for their blessings. They also gained a new appreciation for having parents. 5) Tell them how much you appreciate their appreciation Thank them for being thankful. This models good behavior, but it also helps them see themselves as a grateful person. People will become what they think you think they are. If they think you think they are kind, appreciative and grateful, they will want to live up to your high opinion of them. I had the chance to interview Jeffery Froh, Ph.D., and Giacomo Bono, Ph.D., authors of the book "Making Grateful Kids," on the "Matt Townsend Show" in March. They have done some groundbreaking research on how kids excel in life if they learn to be grateful. Children who learned gratitude when they were young went on to create better relationships and experience more success in every area of life than those who weren’t. I highly recommend their book for great tips on raising grateful kids. Instead of nagging, begging or asking for more appreciation, try taking better care of yourself and needing it less while modeling a gratitude attitude yourself. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a coach and speaker. Question:
My mother is a very critical, judgmental person. She always has something negative to say about everything I do and everyone we know. I’m often embarrassed for her because of how quick she is to see the bad in people, and I’m really tired of being on the receiving end of her criticisms. It’s been hard to have a mother (who should love and accept me most) be so negative. Is there anything I can do about this? I’ve tried to talk to her about it but she gets really offended and attacks me for my faults. She thinks she is perfect. Answer: First, you must understand why she is behaving this way. We could all use a better understanding of human nature and why people do what they do. This knowledge will help us to see situations accurately and handle them more appropriately. Here are some basic universal principles of truth regarding human behavior that it would serve us all to learn. 1. Everyone on this planet is scared to death. 2. They are primarily scared of two core things: failure and loss. (They are scared of looking bad and being taken from.) This means they are constantly on the lookout for insults or mistreatment and are quick to be offended by anything that could be construed as either. 3. These fears play out in our subconscious programming and are responsible for 95 percent of our behavior. This means most of the time we don’t know what we are doing or why. 4. Being driven by fear produces a lot of selfish, negative, bad behavior. Fear keeps you focused on yourself. It makes you incapable of showing up for others. Most people are functioning in this state most of the time. 5. Fear also makes us see other people as different from us, which means we see them as either better than us or worse than us. We would subconsciously prefer to see them as worse than us so our subconscious mind looks for the bad in them (casting them as the bad guy) which we think makes us the good one. I call this the Shame and Blame Game. You must understand how the Shame and Blame Game works so you can accurately see when you are playing it and stop yourself and so you can stop getting offended when other people play it. This is the bottom line, the more shame you experience (fear that you aren’t good enough) the more you will subconsciously focus on the bad in others (blame) to distract you from your fear. Your mother is negative because she is scared to death. I would guess from your description that she is has a lot of fear around not being good enough. She may even have some subconscious self-hate going on. This is why she looks for the bad in everyone around her. Her ego actually thinks this will make her feel better, which it doesn’t. I feel bad for her living in all that fear and negativity. It must be an awful place to live. She may also have fears of loss and be easily offended by anyone who makes her feel cheated or taken from. Does she get overly offended if someone cuts in line? Or cuts her off in traffic? Or has things she doesn’t have? Does she hate feeling put out or walked on? She may suffer badly from both core fears. You also want to check yourself for being easily offended by insults or mistreatment. We all do it to some degree, but is it a real sensitive issue for you? I hope understanding the Shame and Blame Game helps you to get conscious about this behavior and have more compassion for her. I hope you can see that her criticisms say more about her than they say about you. This is another important principle of human behavior. 6. Most bad behavior is about the person’s fears about themselves. It is not about you. They may be projecting it at you and casting you as the bad guy, but it is really about their shame. People without shame, don’t need to see the bad in others. As a matter of fact, they usually don’t see it at all. People with good self-esteem are more likely to see the good in others than the bad. I want you to understand this so you won’t take your mothers criticism personally. The reason your mother attacks you if you even hint that she is anything less than perfect is that she is so scared she isn’t good enough, she can’t handle hearing anything that might confirm that. People with low self-esteem can’t handle feedback, it’s too painful. So how do you deal with difficult people like this?
"Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain, but it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving."—Dale Carnegie You can do this! Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness." She offers free coaching calls every Tuesday night. Question:
I get extremely jealous of my adult siblings. They have life better than I do and it’s difficult to watch them go on trips, get new houses and new cars, and know that I will never have those things. I’m trying to be happy for them, but I admit, deep down I’m extremely sick of seeing it all. I can’t stop feeling bothered that life is so unfair. Do you have any advice, because I don’t like feeling this way? Answer: J.R. Ward said, “Welcome to the wonderful world of jealousy. For the price of admission you get a splitting headache, a nearly irresistible urge to commit murder and an inferiority complex. Yipee.” My advice is — choose to feel differently. Some people believe their feelings are out of their control and can’t be changed, but that is not true. Your conscious mind has the power to override your subconscious thoughts and fears and change the way you feel about anything, at any moment. You must own that you have that power and are responsible for that choice. Until you own this, and start consciously choosing your emotions and state of mind, you will always be a victim and feel powerless. You must consciously choose how you are going to feel about yourself, your life and your siblings. You must choose love over fear to get your power back. Understand that jealousy is a fear problem. (I know that some of you are still not convinced that every problem is a fear problem, but I assure you it’s true.) Jealousy is a serious fear problem because it triggers both of your deepest, darkest core fears: the fear of failure (not being good enough), and the fear of loss (that your life won’t be good enough). Jealousy could not happen if you saw your value and your life accurately — if you were solidly grounded in the truth about your infinite and absolute value, as a one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable, amazing soul. If you embrace this truth, you will never feel less than other people. Robert Heinlein said, “A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity.” Jealousy is a sign that your subconscious mind (entrenched in fear) is looking for proof that other people are better than you. You subconsciously believe if they have more than you, or if life has rewarded them with things you didn’t get, then they must be better than you. Why else would God bless them more? None of this is true. Your life is a perfect classroom journey, custom made just for you, to serve your unique process of learning. Your siblings got signed up for different classes than you did, for a reason. There are no accidents. Your unique path is going to teach you the lessons you need most. Remember, your value as a human being is the same as theirs, regardless of their quality of life or what they have. We all have the same value, we just required different lessons and therefore made different choices. I recommend the following exercise to work through your jealous feelings: 1. Write your feelings on paper and describe them in detail. Instead of trying to stuff these feelings, embrace them fully and feel the pain they create as acutely as possible. Lean into the feelings instead of resisting them. You will work through them faster if you embrace and let yourself process them. What are they here to teach you? What kind of behavior are they encouraging? Why does your sibling’s happiness threaten you? Does their success take anything away from you? Does feeling jealous serve you at any level? Does it motivate you to create more success yourself? Write the answers to these questions on paper. 2. Separate the ego/scarcity/fear part of you that likes jealous feelings, from the spirit/abundance/ love part of you that doesn’t want to be here. Which side do you want to let drive your life? Who do you want to be? In every moment, you get to choose your state, and there are only two options. You can live from a place of love, abundance and peace or you can live from fear, scarcity and discontent. How do you want to live? You must consciously make this choice on a daily — and sometimes hourly — basis.Write down your commitment to choose love. 3. Make a written rule against comparing yourself with other people. There is no level where comparing serves anyone. Make an official policy against it. 4. Remember life is a package deal and each life path comes with some blessings and some trials. If you had another person’s blessings, you would also have to take their trials. 5. Don’t doubt yourself and your own abilities. You can accomplish almost anything you want if you set your mind to. If you want more from life, believe in yourself and go create it. 6. Carefully choose your thoughts. Every thought matters. Choose to think only positive, loving thoughts about yourself and other people. In doing this you are choosing abundance and blessings for everyone. Choose to see the world as abundant and overflowing with enough for all. 7. Choose gratitude for what you have, every minute of every day. Gratitude is one of the most positive emotions you can choose. When you live from a place of gratitude, you are accepting all love and blessings from the universe and opening the door wide to receive more. Also remember, there are people on the planet who would be jealous of you. Count every small blessing and embrace gratitude. Hope this helps. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem. Question:
Our family bickers like no other, and after a while it can rank on your nerves. The bickering can and does often end in argument with hurt feelings and misunderstandings. But for some reason, they keep doing it over and over again. Any advice to intervene and stop this behavior? Answer: My main goal in writing this column is to help you understand human behavior better, so you can see situations accurately and respond in a way that will create the results you want. Before I give you some advice to stop the fighting, I’d like to explain why most people bicker and argue. People generally bicker for one of these five reasons:
Let me explain what I mean by the word "validation," though, because it does not mean that you agree with this person. I believe you can completely disagree with everything he or she says, and still validate him as a person. To me, validation is about honoring and respecting another person's right to see the world the way he sees it, and think and feel the way he does. You may not agree with his position, but you can honor his right to be who he is at this point in his journey. You can validate this person's worth as a human being by just being willing to listen to her thoughts and feelings, and honor her right to have them. When you do this, the other person generally calms down. I believe the best answer in any situation is to give love and validation. You may want to remind the other person of your love in the middle of the fight: “In spite of this fighting I love and respect you, and I just want you to remember that my love for you is bigger than this issue.” (I actually use this in my personal life.) Here are some other suggestions that would diminish the amount of bickering: 1) Learn how to have mutually validating conversations. I have a worksheet on my website that explains how. If you will follow the steps exactly, it will greatly improve your relationships. 2) Institute a family time-out rule. Everyone must agree ahead of time to honor this rule. The rule says that if a conversation gets heated and someone calls a time-out, everyone will walk away, go to their corners and calm down before you talk about this issue further. 3) Be accurate with your words. What I mean is, don’t exaggerate, over-generalize or personalize your complaints. John Gottman from the University of Washington did a study on how couples fight and how their words affected the success or failure of their marriages. (You can read about this in the book "Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell). Gottman discovered that if people made an issue personal and turned to character assassination, rather than focusing on specific complaints, the relationship wouldn’t survive. He said to make sure you didn't turn the complaint of, “You left your dishes on the table” into, “You're such a lazy slob.” He could listen to people fight for only a few minutes and predict if their relationship would make it, based on the words they used. 4) Decide to let love override most small issues. Gottman also said people are generally in one of only two states in their relationships: They were either in “positive sentiment override” where they could quickly forgive most offenses because their love would override most the issues, or “negative sentiment override” where they would draw lasting negative conclusions about each other from each offense. In these negative relationships, even good deeds were seen as good deeds from a bad person. If you have an underlying dislike for someone in your family that is showing up in every situation, I would recommend some professional help post-haste. 5) Decide right now to let people be a “work in progress.” A painter hangs a sign like this on a painting when he leaves for lunch, because he doesn’t want anyone to judge it yet. The people in your life are all struggling, scared students in the classroom of life. They have a lot to learn and they need some room and permission to be imperfect and grow. Imagine everyone in your family with that sign around their necks every day and choose to forgive most offenses, because you're imperfect, too. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem. Read about her free Tuesday night coaching call on her website. |
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AuthorKimberly Giles is the president and founder of Claritypoint Life Coaching and 12 SHAPES INC. She is an author and professional speaker. She was named one of the top 20 advice gurus in the country by Good Morning America in 2010. She appears regularly on local and national TV and Radio. Archives
March 2022
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