This was first published on KSL.COM
Question: My wife seems to love our children a lot more than she likes me. She isn’t enthusiastic about intimacy either, and this is a great disappointment to me. Because I don’t feel loved, I find myself frustrated and even angry towards her. I know I hurt her feelings sometimes, but I’m not happy, and this isn’t the marriage I wanted. Having said that, I also don’t want to leave. I want to keep my family together. I am trying to forgive and love her as she is, but it is hard. How am I supposed to deal with this? Is there any way to encourage her to change? Answer: It sounds like what you want is to feel more important, loved and wanted by your wife. The trick to making this happen is to get rid of disappointment. I know it sounds illogical, but your disappointment can be relationship poison that does further damage and infuses your relationship with fear (of failure and loss). The truth is we are all disappointed in our spouses at some level, because no one is perfect and anyone you marry is going to have some faults and flaws. There is a down side to being married to everyone, even you. When you become frustrated with your spouse’s flaws they feel this and subconsciously pull away from you to protect themselves. This happens because all of us are battling two core fears every day, which cause most of our pain and bad behavior. The first is a fear of failure (the fear that we aren’t good enough) and this is our deepest and most painful fear, but fear of loss (the fear of missing out, being robbed or mistreated) is also painful and scary. When you or your spouse experience either of these fears, you end up in a selfish space where your focus is primarily on yourself and getting what you need. In this space you are literally incapable of love. You can’t do fear and love at the same time. I would guess you are both living in fear and therefore not giving enough love to the other. Your wife is probably afraid she isn’t good enough (most women are) which could make her less comfortable with intimacy. Her disinterest in spending time with you triggers your fear of loss. When you feel loss you then act disappointed in her, which makes her feel like a failure even more. This can become a vicious cycle and suck the love from the relationship. This is fixable, but it is going to require a shift in your perspective, some forgiveness and a commitment to being more loving and validating than you ever have before. Here are some things you can do to create more positive feelings, less fear and less disappointment in your marriage: 1. Allow your emotions in and sit with them. Take some time to experience the disappointment you are feeling. You may want to journal about your feelings so you have a chance to express them without further hurting your spouse. What expectation did you have that is causing your greatest pain? 2. Ask yourself, "Are these emotions going to create what I want?" What is it going to create if you keep telling yourself this story of disappointment and continue to feel anger and resentment toward your spouse? Is this going to motivate your spouse to give you what you want? The answer is no, it won’t. Holding onto feelings of disappointment toward your spouse will only trigger more fear of failure in your spouse, which will actually make her less loving toward you. Fear, sadness, self-pity, begging, blaming, nagging and sulking do not create loving feelings. These are fear and lack behaviors, which only create more fear and lack. If you want more love you have to give love, encouragement, praise, appreciation, admiration, respect and kindness. These create more love. 3. Ask yourself, "How can I create what I want?" We recommend you try the encouragement approach and shower your spouse with appreciation, respect, admiration and praise. Instead of focusing on your disappointment, write on paper all the good things about her and who she can be and choose to focus on those. The opposite of disappointment is gratitude. Show your spouse you are grateful to have her in your life and mean it! We have found that when a person feels greatly loved, appreciated, admired and wanted, they become a lot more giving back. Tell her how lucky you are to be married to her and make sure you are not being loving with strings attached. You cannot expect anything back. You must build her up and give to her because you are working on becoming a more loving person, not just to get what you want. If you will consistently show up for her and give more, it should start to change how she feels about you. (If you try these things for a long time and still get nothing back, you may then decide this relationship isn’t working for you. But don’t throw in the towel until you have done your part to give love, to the best of your ability first.) 4. Never cast your spouse as the bad one. It is human nature to want to see others as worse than us. We subconsciously do this because casting anyone else as the bad one makes us feel like the good one, but this is rarely accurate. And all human beings have the same infinite, intrinsic worth and deserve to be treated and respected as your equal. You must also remember that though you may not have the same flaws as your spouse, you do have flaws. Committing to see your spouse as the same as you, especially during conversations with her, will make her feel safer and less defensive. Admit when you are wrong, apologize often and let your spouse see your heart is soft, teachable and open. This will create a safer space for her to do the same. Seeing her as the bad one will not make her want more intimacy either. We like and are drawn to the people who like us. Show her she is wanted, admired and liked, and she will grow more and more fond of you again. 5. Trust that your life is the perfect classroom for you. You are here to learn and grow, and your marriage is the class that will teach you the most important lessons on love. We always marry our greatest teacher (for better or worse) we sign up for this class. This person is going to help you grow by pushing your buttons, triggering your fears and thus help you to stretch and become stronger, wiser and more loving. That is the real purpose of this relationship. (I know this because it's the purpose of our whole journey.) So, figure out and focus on the lessons your unique marriage experience (with your spouse) could be meant to teach you. This is your opportunity to grow in love, strength and wisdom. Marriage is hard because you get to see the very worst of another person, and they get to experience the worst of you, yet you both must learn to forgive and accept each other anyway. This is a challenge, but you are meant to conquer it. You can do this. The more you accept this person and this situation as your perfect classroom and focus on improving you, the better the relationship will be. Once you have created a more safe and loving space in your marriage, you can then communicate with your spouse about what you want to change. You should ask her what you can do better to make her happier and then share what you would really appreciate in the future from her. Just don't have these conversations while in fear and judgment. Communicate only when you are firmly grounded in trust and love. Get a free worksheet to help you process disappointment or take the free fear assessment and start working on your fear issues here. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the CEO of claritypointcoaching.com and an expert in simple psychology. Kristena Eden is a Claritypoint certified coach who works with couples and families.
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This was first published on KSL.COM
Question: Our son was raised in the LDS faith and he has chosen to go the other direction and be in a same-sex relationship. What can we do as parents in this situation? He has gone so far as to take his name off the records of the church. Can you tell us how to help? Answer: There are some ideas, perspectives and tips, which may help you to experience less fear and more peace around this situation. 1) Work on your fears of failure and loss. You must work on eliminating your fears, because fear makes you selfish and incapable of love and love is the path to peace in this situation. The following points should help you experience less fear and clearly see what a love based approach could look like. 2) Remember human value is infinite and absolute. We are all irreplaceable, one-of-a-kind, infinitely and absolutely valued, divine, children of God — all of us — without exception. We all have the exact same intrinsic worth as everyone else, no matter our beliefs, religion, race, sexual orientation or anything else. This means that your child and his life and choices don’t affect your value or his. You are not a failure and have no reason to experience shame about this. Everything that happens is just a lesson on love, but none of the lessons diminish your value. If you remember this idea you will have less fear of failure (fear that you aren’t good enough). 3) The real point and purpose for our being on this planet is to learn love at a deeper level. Everything God has inspired, created or allowed to be created here is here is meant to teach you, grow you and stretch you past your comfort zone, expanding the limits of your love. God created this universe and all the people in it with many interesting differences (including race, religion, culture, ideology, sexual orientation). Everyone on the planet is here (in the classroom of life) to both learn to love and to teach love. Situations like yours challenge you to stretch beyond the limits of your previous loving abilities, they help you learn love at whole new level. If you trust the process of your life and see everything as a lesson, you will have less fear of loss. You will accept your journey as your perfect classroom and not resist this experience as much. If you embrace the lesson as a beautiful opportunity to grow, you will find peace. 4) Whatever you do, don’t let fear divide you or push you away from your child. Make sure your love is bigger than your fear. God created all of us the way we are for a reason. Your job (with this now adult child) is to love, be compassionate, open, accepting and kind. This means embracing your son and his partner too, like you would any other child in your home. Spend the same amount of time with them, listen to them, care about them and don’t let the differences get in the way. If you have trouble with this and your fears of failure or loss overpower you, I highly recommend working with a coach or counselor, who can help you reframe and lessen your fears. 5) Remember love means respect. You can’t have real love without it. When someone has different beliefs than yours, respect means treating them the same way you would treat someone who agrees with you. You must honor their right to believe what they believe and respect their own path to goodness and God. 6) Love means caring for their needs and happiness as much as you care about your own. What your child needs right now is acceptance, support, validation of his worth, and reassurance. Giving him these must be a priority over his meeting your expectations. Trust God that all will be fine in the end, and if it’s not fine - it’s not the end. Trust that the God you believe in is loving and full of grace, wisdom and forgiveness. Trust you have nothing to fear because God is the author of everything. 7) Give up your need to be right. If you insist on taking the stand that your path is right and his is wrong, you will not leave space for a good relationship. You can believe that you are right in your mind — but you must focus outwardly on the beautiful, loving, kind, compassionate, hard working (or whatever other virtues your child has) person your child is. Remember that though he is rejecting your religion, he is not rejecting goodness, love or light. Just because he isn’t on your religion’s definition of the right path, he is still a loving, kind, giving person whom God loves every bit as much as he loves you. The bottom line is you must lose your fears through trust and love, and make sure your child feels respected, admired, appreciated and wanted every day. If you do this you will also like yourself better too. I promise it will feel right. Love without condition, listen without intention and care without expectation. This is the way to peace. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular life coach, speaker and people skills expert. This was first published on KSL.COM
Question: Our daughter recently told us that she no longer believes in God and hasn't for a long time. This came as devastating news to us. Although we were aware that she hadn't been attending church, we thought she was still a believer. I have read your article on When your child rejects your religion every day since and it has been helpful, but I am still finding myself having moments of great sadness, anger, and even panic. Your advice makes sense in my head but my heart is broken. I would like to understand how she came to this conclusion but don't want to put her on the defensive. The result is, I don't contact her as much, because I'm concerned my emotions will spill out. I am praying for her many times a day, as well as for the rest of our family. Any additional advice would be appreciated. Answer: If you are still experiencing sadness, anger and panic, are pulling back and even struggling to spend time with your daughter — you are still coming from fear, not love. I understand why this situation is triggering this fear of loss and failure in you. I really do, but those emotions aren't doing you or your child any good and they may make the situation worse. In the other article on this I explained why unconditional love is the answer when a loved one rejects your religion. The problem is that as long as you are entrenched in fear, you aren’t capable of love. If you can’t change your perspective and get out of fear, your child is going to see you and your religion as unloving. It isn't and you know that you're scared because you love her so much, but your fear energy could make her pull even farther away. You cannot let your fear be bigger than your love. You have to get you more fully in trust about this situation (and out of fear) so you are capable of showing up with real love, peace and acceptance towards your daughter. I encourage you to read and practice trusting the following idea every day for a while: I am not a failure and neither is my loved one. We are here on this planet to experience all kinds of interesting and painful experiences so we can learn and grow, but at no time is our value on the line because life is a classroom, not a test. This means our value is infinite and absolute. It cannot change no matter what we do. None of us have anything to fear. My loved one may sign themselves up for some interesting lessons here, ones I would rather not have them learn. That is not about me. They are choosing their journey and they will find their way through it and in the end it will be OK. I trust their value and mine is secure and that this is the perfect classroom journey for both of us. I choose to trust God, there is nothing to fear, and every experience here is a lesson. I choose to let God's love fill me up every day so I can share his unconditional love with others. I choose to shine with pure love every day. I have the power to do this because there is nothing to fear. (If you want to understand more about why life is a classroom not a test, read this article from December.) Trusting these truths will show your loved one that your religion and your God are based in love. The God you believe in provided a way for all to return safely. He loves us all. Being fearless about this will show her that your faith in God’s goodness, your love for her and your strength are all bigger than your fear. This will earn her respect for you and make her see your religious beliefs as beautiful and inviting. Love is much more attractive than fear. I also have a worksheet for frustrated parents on my website that might also help you with this situation. I encourage you to get it. It will ask you to identify your fear issues (that are really behind you being so upset about your child). You had fear issues about failure or loss (before this) and this situation with your child has just triggered them. This situation is therefore as much your lesson as it is hers. This is your chance to learn how to overcome fear and become stronger, more faithful and more loving. So, instead of trying to fix your child, work on you. Trust God more and choose to act from love and fully accept her as she is, even being proud of her and never say anything negative, critical or guilt-producing. You can do this. You are a child of God (a being who is the essence of perfect love). You have the love inside you to overcome fear. The worksheet will also ask “What does your child need right now?” The answer is your strength, faith, acceptance and love. She needs you to be strong enough to set your needs aside. (Your needs for her to fulfill your wishes, expectations and believe what you believe.) She needs to know you can let go of your needs and show up for her. Spend time with her and (the entire time) keep choosing to trust there is nothing to fear. Spend every minute you have with her building her up. Look for the highest and best qualities in her, and tell her what you see. Focus on her goodness as a person and let her know you are proud of her. This is putting love first. You can do this. “Don’t speak to me about your religion; first show it to me in how you treat other people. Don't tell me how much you love your God; show me in how much you love all His children. Don't preach to me your passion for your faith; teach me through your compassion for your neighbors. In the end, I'm not as interested in what you have to tell or sell or preach or teach, as I am in how you choose to live and give." — Cory Booker Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a life coach, speaker and people skills expert. Question:
I have people in my family that have hurt me over and over again. I hate family holiday parties because a certain member of the family will be there. This person is horrible to me and always has been. I take it personally even though I shouldn’t. Do you have any advice on surviving the holidays and being around this person? Answer: For many people, family gatherings are a huge source of tension, but you can attend that party and even enjoy yourself, if you adopt a healthy mindset first. The question is, are you ready to change YOU in order to feel better? There will be some who read this article and scoff at the whole idea of changing their mindset. They will do this because, in reality, they don’t want to change themselves, they want other people to change. You may also subconsciously want to stay in a place of judgment towards the offending family members and spend the holidays complaining about them. You may do this because being mad and placing blame on these “bad people” makes you feel superior or powerful. If you have low self-esteem issues (and are afraid you aren’t good enough) blaming others might be part of your coping strategy. Be honest with yourself. Is there an ego part of you that likes complaining and gossiping about this person? Or are you ready to grow up and change yourself to feel better? If you are ready to change yourself (because it is the only way to feel better) keep reading. In my article two weeks ago titled Love toward all is the answer, I taught some principles that could help you survive your family parties, but you can’t just read this article once and expect to have a different mindset. You are going to have to adopt some new principles and shift your perspective on yourself and your life completely. Here are some important principles to adopt: Principle 1: We are all irreplaceable, one-of-a-kind, infinitely and absolutely valued, divine, good, loving children of God, and I mean all of us (without exception.) We all have the exact same intrinsic worth as everyone else, because we are all God’s children and part of him. No one can diminish your value and you can't diminish theirs. Principle 2: The real point and purpose for our being on this planet is to learn (because life is a classroom) and the most important lesson we are here to learn is love. If this is truth, it means every single thing that happens to you here is a lesson on learning to love yourself, other people, or God at a deeper level. Principle 3: Every person is having their own custom educational journey here. No one on the planet will get the same classes you got, so you cannot judge, compare or criticize how anyone else is doing. You aren't in their class. Principle 4: The annoying, hurtful, bossy, rude people who show up in your life are there to serve as teachers. Their job is to push your buttons and bring your fears, defensiveness and weaknesses to the surface, so you can work on them. They don’t create your fears or issues, though. They just trigger what is already in you, so you have the chance to become more aware and change. It is really important you see your family situation accurately, as your perfect classroom. There is no accident that this person is in your life. This person is your teacher and you are probably theirs. The lesson you are here to teach each other is about rising above fear and choosing love towards yourself and others. When a person triggers fear in you (through attack or bad behavior), ask yourself the following questions to get some clarity:
If you can rise above your fears (and defensiveness) and remember they can’t hurt you, because you are infinite and absolute, you will be capable of giving them what they need. Doing this will make you feel strong and powerful, much more than being offended does. Your ego thinks being mad is strength, but judgment and anger are really weakness. Fearlessness makes you strong. Remember, you are a unique, irreplaceable, incomparable soul, and nothing anyone thinks or says about you can change your value. You are bulletproof and no one can diminish you without your permission. What others think of you doesn’t matter at all. You are the same you, no matter what. You always remain undiminished. So, don’t give anyone the power to diminish you in your mind. You control this. Everyone is afraid they aren’t good enough, and this fear makes them behave badly. Fear makes people brag, boast, criticize and judge, but they do these things because they are scared about their own value. This behavior can’t hurt you. Just let everything they dish out bounce off. Remember, when other people behave badly, it’s not about you. It’s about their fears about themselves. Treat them with love, kindness and respect. Do this because it’s the kind of person you’ve decided to be. Spend your time at the family party asking questions and listening to others. Show people you value them at the deepest level and see their infinite worth. The more you do this, the better you will feel about yourself. You are a strong, loving, mature, wise person, who responds to every situation with strength and love. You can do this. (There is a new worksheet on my website called the Have a Happy Holiday Mindset. I strongly urge you to print it off and read it a few times a day to internalize these principles before Thanksgiving and Christmas.) Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a life coach, speaker and people skills expert. This was first published on ksl.com
Question: I support gay marriage but my spouse is very against it. Every time the topic comes up, which is often, we end up in an argument. At first we agreed to just never talk about it, but that is proving hard to do. We both feel strongly about our position and we get emotional and angry. We really wish we were on the same page on this. It’s driving a wedge in our marriage. I hate that he sees me as wrong and he hates that I see him as homophobic and mean. Do you have any advice on this? What do you do when you fundamentally disagree at a core level with the person you love most? Answer: This question may benefit all of us, because your marriage is just a microcosm of our society right now. Both sides of this issue have strong opinions and emotions are running high. Maybe it would help if we all learned how to appreciate each other, honor our differences, and respect those who disagree with us. I believe life is a classroom (you hear me say that often) but I believe this classroom was specifically designed to teach us how to love ourselves and other people at a higher level. In order for us to stretch and learn to love at a higher level, God made us all different. God could have made us all the same race, color, size and sexual orientation, but that would have made accepting each other way too easy. What’s the challenge in that? Instead people come in many different sizes, shapes, colors, races and sexual orientation. I believe these differences were intentional, they are here for a reason — so we get the opportunity to learn to love those who are different, which is more difficult to do. Differences give us all kinds of challenges to overcome and grow from. Every experience, issue, difference and disagreement is a lesson to teach you love, though. I believe this is especially true in your marriage. This unique relationship can teach you things you can’t learn anywhere else, because your spouse can push your buttons better than anyone else. Your marriage is your perfect classroom. On top of that, sexual orientation is a tough difference to process for many people, because they just can’t get their head around it or understand it. These types of differences can also cause us to lump whole groups of people into “them” groups opposed to “us” groups and subconsciously see them as the bad guys or the wrong ones. We literally see “these people” and everyone on “their side” as the enemy at the subconscious level. They are the enemy because either they are wrong or I am. Both can’t be right. So your question is really, "How do I genuinely love my enemies and those who strongly disagree with me and see me as wrong?" Here are some things you can do (and we all can do) to stop the fighting and increase our compassion and tolerance for others:
You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a life coach and speaker. This article was first published on KSL.COM
Both of these questions were in response to my last article about dealing with toxic people. I received many comments and letters from people who are dealing with destructive relationships, so I decided to discuss this further. Question 1: I have elderly grandparents and an uncle, who didn’t want anything to do with taking care of them, but the second money came to be involved in the situation he immediately jumped in and demanded they live with him and he should have control of everything. He has taken a lot of their possessions and is consumed with what he can get from the situation. I am really struggling with terrible feelings towards this uncle. The only thing I can think to do at this point is cut him completely out of my life (once my grandmother passes) so I don't have to deal or be around that type of mindset/personality anymore. Any advice or perhaps a different point of view would be helpful. Is there another way to handle this? Question 2: I have a really difficult mother-in-law who constantly puts down her son and me. I always tried to show unconditional love for her but nothing is ever good enough. My husband decided for a while not to communicate with her because it was such a toxic relationship. He has now reconnected with her, but I am very standoffish. It's not that I hold anything against her, it's more of I simply don't care to try anymore. I don't want to live with these feelings, but at the same time I just feel that I need to protect my family. I don't know if I am wrong in not trying to fix things. I feel like I don't need to have a relationship, but I don't want to do anything to hurt my kids, husband or myself. Please help. Answer: In both of these situations you have three options.
If you choose any of the three options above from a space of fear, bitterness, anger, defensiveness, selfishness or revenge, it isn’t going to serve you. But if you choose any of the options from a space of love, wisdom, accuracy and compassion, it will probably work out well. The trick is figuring out which option you are capable of doing from love. Here are what the three options look like from fear versus love. See which love option you feel you can handle. Repair it
You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a life coach and professional speaker. This article was first published on KSL.COM
Question: Thank you for your articles. They are very good. My question is in regards to being a stepchild who feels they have been wronged by a stepparent. In my current state, I feel it is not worth the time and work to fix the relationship I have with my stepmother, who was verbally and physically abusive to me when I was younger. To this day, she is very difficult to talk to and openly shows favoritism to her children over me. Being an adult, I no longer fear her, but find that I am angry with her and resent her for how she treated me and still treats me. I avoid her as much as possible when visiting my father. I have tried to talk to her and tried to be her friend, but every conversation I have with her involves her talking nonstop about herself and her children. She is never interested in me or my wife and children. I cannot overcome my angry feelings towards her. My initial thought is to discuss my feelings with my father, but I do not know if this is a good choice. How do you repair relationships like this and is it worth fixing? I would love some advice. Answer: You asked, “Is it worth the effort to fix?” Of course it is. This situation (and every situation in your life) is here as part of your perfect classroom journey so you can stretch, grow and learn from it. I believe it is not only worth it, but it's what you are meant to do. Though, the “fix” is going to be about changing you, not her. You have no control over her or getting her to behave differently. She also has some serious problems if she abused you as a child, and she is the only one who can fix them. She really needs some professional help to deal with her fear and pain. I know this because it is only hurt people who hurt people. You can fix this situation by changing how you see it and feel about it. You can stop letting her inability to be kind bother you because it really isn’t about you. When you get this, you will also change the way you act around her and she will probably respond to you in a more positive way. The first step to changing how you feel is seeing her behavior accurately. It is highly likely she was abused and walked on as a child too. That abuse has created huge fears of inadequacy (failure) and being mistreated (loss) in her. These fears make her selfish and overly focused on protecting herself and getting reassurance and validation. She was only unkind because she was miserable and scared. That was no excuse, but I want you to see that it wasn't personal. It wasn’t about you. It was about her fears about herself. She took them out on you because you were an easy target. She found that if she focused on being angry with you, it distracted her from dealing with her pain. She just didn’t have the self-esteem or strength to be loving. Her fear and pain made her selfish. I want you to understand this because seeing her accurately is the first step in forgiving her and you must forgive her if want to stop hurting about this. You must also understand abusive people serve a role in our classroom. They help make us into the people we are today. They make us strong and they give us the opportunity to learn to love and see our value in ourselves in spite of them. Can you identify any positives that were created in you or your life because of what she did to you? Are you a better father because you don’t want to be like her? Are you stronger because of what you survived? Are you more aware of others and go out of your way to make them feel safe? When you can see how she served your education and growth, and acted as a teacher in your classroom, you won’t feel as angry. You also won’t see her as evil. You will just see her as a struggling, scared, suffering, student in the classroom of life, just like you. This perspective is one of wisdom, compassion and accuracy, and this should make you feel somewhat better. It should make you more capable of the next step. Once you see the situation and her accurately you must shower her with kindness. It is the best thing you can do. If you continue to be offended and avoid her, you are meeting her fear-based, unloving energy with more unloving energy, and that is never going to make things better. Most of us think if we act mad at someone they will feel our unhappy feelings toward them, feel guilty for hurting us and this will motivate them to change, but this doesn’t happen. Instead, they feel our dislike for them and it makes them dislike us even more. The more hurt you act the more they will mistreat you. Love is a better answer. So, instead of acting hurt and mad, do these four things:
In your email you said, “I cannot overcome my angry feelings towards her.” But this is not true. You can let go and change how you feel. You just haven’t been ready to do it yet. You may subconsciously think you must hold onto your anger to protect yourself. A lot of abused people feel this way, but your anger is hurting you more than it’s protecting you. I promise seeing her accurately and understanding it’s only hurt people who hurt people will help you to let it go. Being angry doesn’t hold her accountable, it is not revenge, it doesn’t protect you and it doesn’t fix or help the situation in any way. Your angry feelings are causing you to suffer. As you go through the four steps mentioned above you will be choosing trust and love over fear and you can let it go. You also said “My initial thought is to discuss my feelings with my father, but I do not know if this is a good choice.” I would guess, at some level, your father already knows how you feel. He just doesn’t know what to do about it. He doesn't have the “people skills” to handle this or he would have. I think you are in a better position to change this — with your love — on your own. There is a great worksheet on my website called "The To Be or Not To Be Offended Worksheet" marked with a yellow star, which may help too. It will be a process to shift your perspective, but you can do it. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular life coach and speaker. This was first published on KSL.COM
Question: I read your articles every week and I love the advice, but here goes my question? I've been with my husband for 10 years and we have one child together. I also have three from a previous marriage and he has four. My problem would be that all our fighting is about each other's kids. We don’t agree with the way the other one handles their children. He doesn’t discipline his well and I resent him for that. I’m practically raising our youngest alone, too, while he is overly focused on his daughter. We are always defending our kids and this is pulling us apart. If you could offer help on this, that would be great. Answer: I would love to give some advice on blending families, especially because 46 percent of marriages today create a step-family and these second or third marriages are much more challenging than we think. The divorce rate for second marriages, when both partners have children, is over 70 percent. These statistics are especially disturbing because most of these couples are unaware of the difficult challenge facing them when they wed. Studies have shown that 80 percent of couples entering a second marriage do nothing up front to prepare themselves for the complexities of the challenge. They think their love should be enough to get them through. But it isn’t. You must get educated about step-families if you are going to make it. I highly recommend getting some books about step-families, attending seminars and classes, or getting some professional help from a coach or counsellor. Things go much smoother when you know what you are doing and have a plan to deal with the inevitable challenges. I also recommend getting professional help at the first sign of trouble, don’t wait until everyone is deeply hurt. Here are some important realities regarding step-families and some tips for making yours work:
You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular life coach and speaker. First published on KSL.COM
Question: I have a really difficult mother-in-law, who continually disrespects my wife and I and our ability to parent our children. She often manipulates us with guilt to get us to do what she wants us to do, yet nothing we ever do is good enough either. When my wife has tried to talk to her mom about her behavior it blows up and she ends up mad at us. Whenever my wife and I fight my wife also runs to her mom with all the details, which is making the situation even worse. I am hoping you have some advice on the in-law topic that would be helpful to me and many others who have in-law challenges. Answer: I think it might serve us all to get some clarity on the problem and define some rules of engagement for everyone to follow. Most of these mother-in-law relationship problems are created because the mother-in-law is suffering from a fear of loss. This is the fear of losing out, missing out, being mistreated or being taken from at some level. Many women feel like they are literally losing their child (a child who has the been the focus of their attention for many years) when the child marries. The mother-in-law may get controlling, needy and selfish in an effort to hold on, stay involved and feel a sense of importance in your life. They may subconsciously see the spouse as a threat and try to undermine the relationship (this could be a conscious effort, but it could also happen subconsciously.) Most of these women are trying to be good, loving people, but their fear is making them needy and selfish and they are missing your needs. The problem with trying to talk to a person (who is suffering from this much fear) about their behavior, is they will only see it as an attack. If you can’t talk to her about the issues, then you must work on the tips below for you (including enforcing strong boundaries) and hope she gets it after a while. Or you could share this article with her and ask her for some other specific ways you could treat her better. Focus on how you can treat her better because you want to improve your relationship, and hope that she sees the wisdom in treating you better too. Your mother-in-law is not a bad person though, she is just a scared person. What she needs is reassurance, validation, appreciation and to know that she is important and valued, and the good news is, you can give her these things without letting her control your life. You must enforce strong, resolute, but loving, boundaries with her and then let her process through any anger or drama she choses to experience about your boundaries on her own. You cannot feel guilty about it. The less you join in the drama, the more pointless the drama will become for her. Here are some simple relationship rules for all married people and mothers-in-law to live by. For all mothers-in-law:
How to be a great son-in-law or daughter-in-law:
You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a life coach and speaker. This article was published first on KSL.com
Question: My friend recently told me that the way my husband treats me is emotional abuse. We have been married for almost 30 years and the way we deal with each other seems pretty normal to me, but I'm wondering now if it is normal. Do other women get yelled at or criticized as much as I do? I know my husband doesn’t see any good in me at all and never has, so we don't have a very loving relationship, but how would I know if his behavior is crossing the line and is abusive? Answer: I'm so glad you asked this question because you are not alone on this. I think a lot of people put up with abuse because they think it's normal. According to a study from the National Clearinghouse on Family Violence, 39 percent of women have suffered emotional abuse by their husbands/partners and this kind of abuse can go on for years for the very reason you described. It is so easy to rationalize, misinterpret or overlook once it feels normal. The problem is not only coming from men though. Women can also be the perpetrators of emotional abuse and the problem with accepting this behavior as normal is that you are teaching the man (or women) in your life that it's OK to treat people this way, so they will never change. We are here (in the classroom of life) to learn about love, and your spouse has some important lessons coming that he really needs to learn. You have (apparently) been selected as the teacher on this one because you may be the only person who can teach him this vital human lesson — it is not okay to be unkind and cruel to other people. You are not serving anyone’s best interest when you allow him to mistreat you. It doesn’t serve you, your spouse, or your children. It sets a terrible example and gives power to the idea that some people have less value than others, which is not true. All people deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. Everyone has disagreements with their spouse on occasion, but some kinds of fighting behavior are not acceptable. I believe there are three types of “bad behavior” in relationships and I want you to be familiar with them so you can tell what is okay or reasonable and what is not. Here are the three categories of bad relationship behavior:
Safe Horizons (a website for victims of abuse) says that without help, children who witness abuse are more vulnerable to being abused themselves as adults or teens, or they are likely to become abusers themselves. The Help Guide Website also has more about the clinical symptoms of emotional abuse that you may want to read. The bottom line is, you deserve to feel safe and respected in your home. In a healthy relationship you should also be able to have mature, rational, mutually validating conversations about problems that arise. If your partner can't do that and is tearing down your self-esteem on a regular basis (so you feel miserable and worthless) and you experience fear whenever they are home, you are probably a victim of emotional or psychological abuse. Your rationalizing this as normal makes sense when it is all you have experienced for most of your adult life, but it is not normal or acceptable. If you love yourself, your children and your spouse at all, you owe it to them all to seek help. It is time for your spouse and children to learn that all people deserve to be treated with kindness, respect and compassion. If you don’t have a religious leader, counselor or coach to go to for help, start with the Utah Domestic Violence Coalition, they can point you in the right direction. I know that change or seeking help sounds scary because ‘the known,’ even though it’s bad, feels safer than the ‘unknown.’ But I promise (and I know this from personal experience) you will grow and learn so much from standing up for yourself. It will be a huge win in the end. There will be some really hard moments, but you are stronger than you think you are, and you really do deserve better. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and is a popular speaker. |
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AuthorKimberly Giles is the president and founder of Claritypoint Life Coaching and 12 SHAPES INC. She is an author and professional speaker. She was named one of the top 20 advice gurus in the country by Good Morning America in 2010. She appears regularly on local and national TV and Radio. Archives
March 2022
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