What other people think is irrelevant

Question:

I always have the feeling that people are judging me and my self-esteem often depends entirely on how they treat me (or how I perceive their treatment). I worry about wearing the right clothes and saying the right things. I know people probably aren’t that focused on me, but I can’t stop worrying about what they think. How can I stop being afraid?

Answer:

Everyone deals with the fear of judgment at some level. It makes no sense that we give other people this much power over how we feel about ourselves, but we often do.

This happens to you more when you aren't sure who you are. If you worry about what others think of you, you may need to clearly define who you are and what affects your value, once and for all.

Clearly defining these two things will help you to take your power back.

I believe your value is infinite and absolute (unchangeable) because you are a one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable human soul. I believe nothing you do, nothing anyone else says, thinks or does to you, and no situation in your life, can change your value. You are the same no matter what they think.

I believe you are as bulletproof as Superman. Offenses, insults and judgments can just bounce off, if you experience them that way. No one can hurt you without your permission.

I believe you are (literally) your love for yourself, people and life, and your love is the source of your value. That's why you can't lose who you are. If you would focus on being the love everywhere you go, the fear of judgment would stop, because you can't do fear and love at the same time.

Here are some other things you can do to diminish the fear.

• Instead of resisting these feelings, or beating yourself up for having them, step back and let yourself really experience them. Fear and judgment are an interesting thing to experience. If you step back and pay attention, you will see they can't hurt you. They aren’t even real. You have the power to replace these fears with truth.

• The truth is, what others think of you is irrelevant. Julien Smith said, “Judgment and fear will never stop, but they don’t actually do anything either.” What other people think of you doesn’t change you or affect your value at all. Their opinion doesn’t mean anything. You are the same you no matter what they think. Remind yourself of this often.

• Clarify what is real and what you are assuming. You have a tendency to project your own fears about yourself onto other people. You think they think of you what you think of you. If you have low self-esteem, you will subconsciously project that and assume no one values you either. The truth is, most people are not thinking about you at all (and if they did, their opinions are still irrelevant.)
• Stay present in the now. Most of what you fear hasn't happened yet and it makes no sense to suffer about tomorrow today.

• Decide to be a strong person. Don’t let situations or people take your sense of who you are away from you. Make a commitment to be a strong person who knows who he is. Just making this commitment helps.

• Decide to see mistakes, goof-ups and accidents accurately. These are just experiences or lessons on your journey through life. They have nothing to do with your value. Choose to see every experience of judgment as an interesting lesson to help you work on your self-esteem.

• Choose to focus on giving love and validation to others when you feel fear. There is no faster way to escape your fear than choosing to focus on someone else. If you want to discover the true depth of your love, focus on loving, the very person that is judging you. This is not easy to do — but you can do it.

If these suggestions don’t help, I strongly recommend working with a counselor or coach to help you gain a stronger sense of your own identity. A little professional help can make a huge difference.

Hope this helps. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a life coach and speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem.