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Coach Kim: How to stop the fighting in your relationship

11/1/2020

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This was first published on KSL.com

Question:

My spouse and I keep getting in these fights where she does something like ignores me when I am trying to talk to her, and this offends me and I get angry and slam a door, which really offends her and makes her feel attacked, which starts a big fight that lasts all week. The fight morphs and quickly becomes about who treats who worse. And in this drawn out fight, no one wins. After days of being mad and miserable we will start to move past it, but only until one of us offends the other again. What can we do to break this cycle of offending each other?
​
Answer:

The root cause of these fights is you both functioning in a fear state where you feel unsafe with each other, and this is making you wear what I call "mistreatment glasses." Mistreatment glasses means you are subconsciously looking for mistreatment and offenses that will prove that you aren't safe with your partner and that they are the "bad one." Whatever you are looking for you will find. If you are looking for mistreatment, you will find it. If you are looking for proof your partner loves you, you will find that too.

Unfortunately, almost all of us feel unsafe in the world (at the subconscious level), and this keeps us on the defensive a lot of the time. When you feel unsafe, your ego steps up to try and protect you. It does this through defensiveness and casting the other person as the bad one. That is why it feels like a win (to your ego) when you can show that your partner treated you worse and you are the victim. But this is really not a win; no one wins when you get offended by small things and always see your partner as the enemy.

Below is a process you can use when someone offends you. Following it will help you step back out of ego to see the situation more accurately and respond more maturely.

Note: In this article I am only addressing how to deal with the garden variety of arguments, not situations that involve abuse. The National Domestic Violence Hotline has information on how to identify the warning signs of abuse and how one can get help.

See the other person's bad behavior accurately

When someone behaves badly or offends you, there are four possible reasons for this behavior. Knowing them will help you accurately access what is happening in each situation. The four reasons people behave badly:
  1. They were oblivious, not paying attention, missed some things, or had inadvertent bad behavior. They didn't mean to disregard you or mistreat you, they were simply not paying attention.
  2. They are dealing with their own fear issues and their behavior is selfishly focused on finding a sense of safety for themselves. This can include seeking validation, showing off, protecting themselves, being jealous, being controlling, etc. It has been my experience that most bad behavior happens for this reason.
  3. They are in a serious fear state where they are feeling defensive, working to protect themselves, and seeing you as a threat. This line of thinking may not be accurate (you are probably not a threat), but in this state you look that way to them and this is all they can see.
  4. They intentionally wanted to hurt you or do you wrong
Which is most likely true in your case? Really think about this and give your partner a little benefit of the doubt, based on the qualities that attracted you to them in the first place. Are they someone who intentionally desires to hurt you? If they are, this may not be a healthy relationship for you to be in. But most of the time, offenses aren't intentional.

If this offense happened for any of the other three reasons, you must step back, stop taking this personally, and choose to not get offended — because it isn't about you. They don't feel safe in the world, and a person who doesn't feel safe has no choice but to focus on finding a sense of safety; they aren't capable of anything else. They may need some professional help to work on their fears around not being good enough and things not being right. So, the negative coping behaviors can be negated.

Be responsible for your response to the offense

You are responsible for your reactions and responses, and this should be your only concern. It is the only thing you have control over and the only thing that matters now. You must choose to respond with love, not fear.

If you get defensive and respond from a fear state, you are now doing the exact same thing the other person did to you. You are demonstrating fear-based bad behavior, and responding badly back is just as bad as responding badly first. It's the same bad behavior driven by the same cause.

Respond to an offense with love

Offenses and your reactions happen fast though, so you will need to practice and prepare ahead of time to be able to remember these steps in the heat of the moment. You might want to read through this procedure daily or replay past offenses that you reacted badly to, running through these steps to see what you should have done.

Procedure for reacting to offenses:
  1. Recognize your angry, defensive, offended, unbalanced emotions when they are triggered.
  2. Recognize the desire to place blame for those emotions on the other person and see them as the bad guy.
  3. Remember the four real reasons people behave badly. Ask yourself: Is this person intentionally trying to hurt you, or could it be one of the other three reasons that aren't about you at all? If it's one of those, you now have two options: Let it go and ignore it (usually the best option), or speak your truth and ask for better treatment, but do it in a loving, validating way.
Procedure for mutually validating conversations:
  1. See the other person as the same as you. They are not the bad one, and you the good one. You are both good and bad, and you have the same intrinsic value all the time. Do not talk down to the other person or attack them in any way. You are no better than they are.
  2. Ask if they would be open to talking about the relationship and how you could both make it better.
  3. Ask how they are feeling about the relationship. Ask if there is anything you do that bothers them, that they would love to have you work on or change. Ask if there is anything you do that bothers or irritates them. Be humble, teachable and willing to make some changes yourself. Be willing to spend time here, really listening and validating their right to feel the way they do. This is the love part of the conversation and this is where you show them that you are committed to showing up for and caring about them.
  4. Explain how you feel about the behavior they have that bothers you, but do so using more "I" statements than "you" statements. Say things like "when this happens, I feel this way ... ," or "To me, it looks and feels this way and I just wondered if you would be willing to do that differently next time that happens?" Focus on the future behavior you want to see, not the past bad behavior that they can't change. Make sure this is not an attack; it is you sharing how you feel when certain things happen and owning your fear issues.
  5. Tell them it would really help you if they would consider changing one thing moving forward. Focus on only one change in this conversation (others can wait for another time).
  6. Repeat the steps 3-5 again if needed. At this point, the other person might have more to say to you or might get defensive. If this happens, go back to step 3 and ask questions and validate their feelings again. Go through steps 3-5 again and again, until you both feel supported, heard and understood.
This article has a lot of steps to follow, which will be hard to remember in the heat of the moment when you get offended. You will need to read this often and do a lot of mental replay after a fight to go back through what happened and see what you could have done differently. That kind of practice really helps, though.

You and your partner may also need some coaching or counseling to work on the underlying fear issues that cause you to feel unsafe with each other. I find most couples who fight a lot need individual coaching to get their subconscious fears under control before they can create a healthy relationship. Always be willing to take this on and work on yourself.

You can do this.
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Coach Kim: Stop talking down to, interrupting women

10/19/2020

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This was first published on KSL.COM
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Question:

I have noticed lately that many of the men at work and in other meetings I attend interrupt me, cut me off, or talk down to me and the other women in those groups. I am just curious to know if you think there is anything we can do to garner more respect and/or change this? Should we say something when this happens or try to ignore it?

Answer:

Women are often talked over, interrupted or shut down in conversation, especially in environments where they are outnumbered by men. A study from George Washington University found that men were 33% more likely to interrupt women than they were to interrupt other men.

Another study, from researchers at Northwestern Pritzker School of Law, found that this even happens to female Supreme Court Justices, like the late Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Researchers examined 15 years of court transcripts to see how often men, either justices or advocates, interrupted the female justices. Over the last 12 years (when women have comprised only 24% of the bench) female justices being interrupted by men accounted for 32% of interruptions, while female justices interrupting men accounted for only 4% of interruptions.

According to Jessica Bennett, a gender editor at the New York Times, it is not just men who interrupt women. Other women are also more prone to interrupt women, and people of color and LGBTQ+ people fare even worse. The sad truth is we subconsciously see some people as less valuable or less important, and this shows up in the way we communicate.

I believe the crucial first step is committing to see all human beings as having the same value and demonstrating this belief in how we talk to them. Every person deserves to be heard and respected. We must see all human beings as equals, listen without interrupting, and honor their right to think differently than we do.

Obviously, there are also situations where the opposite is true and women interrupt or talk over men. The point of the article is to make us all better at respectful communication.

Practical ways you can be part of the solution

1. Stop before interrupting someone. If you feel the urge to interrupt someone, ask yourself, "Do I just want to ask a quick question to clarify what they are saying? Am I going to invite them to continue afterward, or do I think what I have to say is more important than this person?" If the latter is is the case, choose to keep quiet.

2. Check yourself before giving advice. Before you advise another person ask yourself, "Is there any chance I am explaining something to this person that they already know?" If you think there is any chance they might already know this information, don't insult them by telling them. You could also ask them directly if they would be open to some advice?

3. Ask permission before you share an idea or suggestion, or give advice. Ask the other person if they are open to hearing your idea and give them a comfortable out if they'd rather not hear it. Respect the answer to your permission question and don't forge ahead without permission.

4. Don't use demeaning nicknames like honey, sweetie, love or babe. These are not appropriate unless you are dating or married to the other person, and even then ask how they feel about these terms and make sure they are seen as a compliment, not an insult.

5. Never correct another person's pronunciation or grammar.

6. Avoid sexist or demeaning jokes and misogynistic statements. Call out other people who use them. Explain to them why their behavior is wrong. Watch for situations that make women or other marginalized people feel uncomfortable and stand up for them.

7. Make a committed effort to listen to other people. In any meetings you attend, make sure all the women and marginalized people are respected and heard. Insist that others acknowledge and hear them out. Stop people who are interrupting them.

8. Believe women and what they say. Insist that others do the same.

9. Don't get defensive if a woman — or anyone for that matter — tells you that your words or behavior were offensive or hurtful. Be open to understanding that from another person's perspective things can look and feel different than they feel from your perspective. Apologize and ask questions so you understand what you should do differently in the future. Be teachable.

10. Be careful not to talk over other people. Don't dismiss others' ideas; and if you cannot wait to make a comment, at least politely ask if you can stop them for a second. Then, make sure you invite them to continue afterward.

11. If you are on a board, panel or team, insist that they include a well-rounded number of diverse people. Invite more women or minorities to participate and be included.

12. Teach young people that being feminine is not a bad thing. Don't use phrases like "you hit like a girl." Challenge stereotypes that place women behind men as the weaker sex. Encourage women and girls to see themselves as equal, smart and capable as men.

What to do if you find yourself being talked down to or interrupted

1. Don't take it personally. Interrupting says more about a lack of manners in the other person than it says about you. This experience doesn't mean you are less important or less worthy of respect; it likely means the other person hasn't learned to be aware of how their actions affect other people.

2. Don't blame yourself or see yourself as weak or insecure. This happens because our entire society has been taught patriarchy as the social norm. You allow men to interrupt you because it is deep in your subconscious programming to see it as acceptable. It will take work and time for you to recognize every time it happens and learn to stand up for yourself. Have compassion for yourself during this time.

3. Whenever you are speaking to men, use confident words. Rose Kennedy, from the Atlanta Journal, encourages women to "speak with conviction using words like 'know' instead of 'believe' and 'will' instead of 'might." She says to "lean in and make eye contact," sighting a 1983 study that found men tend to interrupt women more often when they lean away or don't look at the person they're talking to.

4. Practice assertive body language. Do things like keeping your arms out to take up as much space in the room as you can. This is a power position and it changes how people treat you.

5. Be strong and confident without being defensive or overly forceful. You don't have to be angry and defensive to stand up for yourself. You can stand in your power and still be calm, peaceful and kind.

6. If you are interrupted or cut off, you have the following options to respond (which can all be done standing in your power):
  • Keep talking and don't stop to allow the interruption at all. Hopefully, the interrupter will get it: You aren't allowing yourself to be interrupted today.
  • Ask them politely to allow you to finish what you were saying. Do this without malice or venom in your tone. "John, would you mind allowing me to finish what I was saying here, then you can be next?"
  • Allow the interruption, but quickly pick up where you left off afterward. When the person is finished say, "To just finish what I was saying …"
  • Allow the interruption but pull the person aside later, in private. Ask the person if they would ever be open to allowing you to share something you noticed in the conversation earlier. Do not make this an attack, though, or the person will come away hating you instead of learning something. Be respectful and kind, and just ask if they would be open to a little constructive feedback on something that happened earlier, which they might want to be aware of. Explain that you felt cut off and disrespected, but you know they wouldn't do that on purpose (assume this). Ask if moving forward they might be willing to watch for cutting off or interrupting women when they speak. Don't focus on past mistakes. Focus on asking for different behavior in the future.
You might want to share this article with the people at work and even ask your boss if this is something everyone in the office could work on. Bringing this problem into the light and asking others to be aware of it, is the important first step to creating change.

You can do this.
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Coach Kim: 12 tips to stop the perennial arguments in your relationship

10/19/2020

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This was first published on KSL.com

I read in Psychology Today recently that 70% of the most common conflicts in any relationship (even good relationships) are perennial conflicts, which means they are conflicts that never get resolved and happen over and over again.

These conflicts are usually based on character and behavior differences between the two people that irritate the other person. Most of these differences are in a person's subconscious programming and innate wiring, and most are not going to change. I am talking about things like being late all the time or not being organized.

If you want to have a rich and healthy relationship you are going to have to accept some of these things about your partner and quit trying to fundamentally change them. You are going to have to choose to love who they are.

That doesn't mean you can't bring up behaviors that bother you; but if you decide to do that, you better take stock of your own faults, flaws and quirks first. You must decide to forgive your spouse some of their flaws and quirks because you want some of yours forgiven too. You must be more accepting and less critical, let small irritating things go, and try to laugh at the funny ways you are wired differently.

Note: This article does not address relationships where abuse is happening. It is directed to those who have run of the mill conflicts, arguments, offenses and irritations with their partner, but there is no emotional, mental or physical abuse happening. If abuse, infidelity, dishonesty, cruelty, or other problems are in play, acceptance is not the answer and you should seek a mental health professional.

Here are some things you can do to become more accepting of your partner and reduce the perennial conflicts.
  1. Accept that your partner is not going to behave or function in the world the same way you do. They had a different upbringing and different life experiences. They have different perspectives and are wired differently than you are. Expecting them to think and behave as you do is unrealistic.
  2. Understand your way of behaving is not the right way and theirs is not the wrong way; they are just different ways. Your way might be better in your opinion, but that is just an opinion. Everyone is entitled to see the world the way they see it. You will not have a healthy relationship if you make your partner "wrong" every time they behave differently from you. You must give them room to be themselves or you don't really love them.
  3. Accept that you cannot change or "fix" your partner. No amount of begging or pleading or threatening can make another person change. So, if your focus is on changing them (more than accepting them), you are going to have problems.
  4. Accept that your partner may not share the same value system you do. Chances are good that you value different things. Do you highly value being social, getting tasks done, looking good, or appreciating ideas and principles most? Which does your partner value or focus on most? One is not better than another; we are just wired to focus on one most. If you are a principle person and married to a social person, this difference can create lots of challenges. But if you are committed to allowing your partner to be different, and even celebrate the differences, you can make it work.
  5. The more you try to change your partner, the more they will dig in and defend their right to be as they are. Accepting them fully as they are actually leaves your partner room to decide to improve themselves on their own. They might change because they love you and want to give to you, but you only if you don't try to change them. I know this seems counter-intuitive, but it's still true. Encouragement is a better motivator than disappointment.
  6. Don't be disappointed in your partner. If they feel you are disappointed in them, they will be less motivated to try to please you. In fact, your partner will more likely get resentful or passive-aggressive. Accept that they are not perfect, and neither are you. You are both going to disappoint each other on occasion, so think about how you want them to treat you on those days. Show up with love and acceptance and reassure them that they don't have to be perfect to be worthy of your love.
  7. Make a list of your faults, flaws, character deficits, and quirky behaviors. Ask your partner to do the same. Sit together and talk about the flaws that are probably never going to change and will require understanding and working around. If your partner is always late, how can you deal with that and work around it? If they are forgetful, how can you allow that without getting mad every time it happens. You will be willing to forgive them some flaws so they will do the same for you.
  8. Understand your different love languages. Your partner doesn't give or experience love and security the same way you do. The things that make you feel loved may do nothing for them. You must take the time to learn what makes them feel safe and loved, and make sure you are giving that to them daily. They must do the same for you.
  9. Never play the victim. Never blame your spouse as the cause of the problem. Every problem is a two-way street. They might do this irritating thing, but you might also be too sensitive to that thing. You both must stay responsible for what you could do better, and be quick to offer lots of sincere apologies for any little part you play. Apologizing more and blaming less is key.
  10. Remember that the qualities you like in your partner and the qualities you don't like are usually inextricably linked. Every good quality has a shadow-side negative. A person who is disciplined and organized is also picky and hard to please. A person who is always late is also easy going and low key. Try to find the benefits that go with the qualities that bother you and remember you don't get one without the other.
  11. Understand most annoying qualities or flaws aren't that big a deal in the grand scheme of things. How much will this conflict matter in 10 years? Is there any chance you are making a mountain out of a molehill? Would it be more mature to let this one go? Are there more important strengths and good qualities your partner does have? Could you focus on those?
  12. Consider if your partner's flaws are triggering a long-buried issue that really belongs to you. For some irritations, if you didn't already have a sore spot in that area from your past your partner's problem wouldn't bother you. Is there any chance you have fears, triggers or issues — even from your childhood — that are making your partner's fault bigger than it has to be, or adding meaning that isn't really there? This is a good question to ask whenever you get triggered by anything. Take responsibility for your side of every annoyance and be willing to do some work on you.
Perhaps the most important thing to remember is don't give up. Bumps in the road are inevitable, but most can be resolved through increasing your understanding and acceptance of the person you love and yourself. A healthy relationship also requires lots of forgiveness and room for both of you to be imperfect.

You can do this.
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Coach Kim: How to stop the fighting in your relationship

10/12/2020

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This was first published on KSL.com

Question:

My spouse and I keep getting in these fights where she does something like ignores me when I am trying to talk to her, and this offends me and I get angry and slam a door, which really offends her and makes her feel attacked, which starts a big fight that lasts all week. The fight morphs and quickly becomes about who treats who worse. And in this drawn out fight, no one wins. After days of being mad and miserable we will start to move past it, but only until one of us offends the other again. What can we do to break this cycle of offending each other?

Answer:

The root cause of these fights is you both functioning in a fear state where you feel unsafe with each other, and this is making you wear what I call "mistreatment glasses." Mistreatment glasses means you are subconsciously looking for mistreatment and offenses that will prove that you aren't safe with your partner and that they are the "bad one." Whatever you are looking for you will find. If you are looking for mistreatment, you will find it. If you are looking for proof your partner loves you, you will find that too.

Unfortunately, almost all of us feel unsafe in the world (at the subconscious level), and this keeps us on the defensive a lot of the time. When you feel unsafe, your ego steps up to try and protect you. It does this through defensiveness and casting the other person as the bad one. That is why it feels like a win (to your ego) when you can show that your partner treated you worse and you are the victim. But this is really not a win; no one wins when you get offended by small things and always see your partner as the enemy.

Below is a process you can use when someone offends you. Following it will help you step back out of ego to see the situation more accurately and respond more maturely.

Note: In this article I am only addressing how to deal with the garden variety of arguments, not situations that involve abuse. The National Domestic Violence Hotline has information on how to identify the warning signs of abuse and how one can get help.

See the other person's bad behavior accurately

When someone behaves badly or offends you, there are four possible reasons for this behavior. Knowing them will help you accurately access what is happening in each situation. The four reasons people behave badly:
  1. They were oblivious, not paying attention, missed some things, or had inadvertent bad behavior. They didn't mean to disregard you or mistreat you, they were simply not paying attention.
  2. They are dealing with their own fear issues and their behavior is selfishly focused on finding a sense of safety for themselves. This can include seeking validation, showing off, protecting themselves, being jealous, being controlling, etc. It has been my experience that most bad behavior happens for this reason.
  3. They are in a serious fear state where they are feeling defensive, working to protect themselves, and seeing you as a threat. This line of thinking may not be accurate (you are probably not a threat), but in this state you look that way to them and this is all they can see.
  4. They intentionally wanted to hurt you or do you wrong
Which is most likely true in your case? Really think about this and give your partner a little benefit of the doubt, based on the qualities that attracted you to them in the first place. Are they someone who intentionally desires to hurt you? If they are, this may not be a healthy relationship for you to be in. But most of the time, offenses aren't intentional.

If this offense happened for any of the other three reasons, you must step back, stop taking this personally, and choose to not get offended — because it isn't about you. They don't feel safe in the world, and a person who doesn't feel safe has no choice but to focus on finding a sense of safety; they aren't capable of anything else. They may need some professional help to work on their fears around not being good enough and things not being right. So, the negative coping behaviors can be negated.

Be responsible for your response to the offense

You are responsible for your reactions and responses, and this should be your only concern. It is the only thing you have control over and the only thing that matters now. You must choose to respond with love, not fear.

If you get defensive and respond from a fear state, you are now doing the exact same thing the other person did to you. You are demonstrating fear-based bad behavior, and responding badly back is just as bad as responding badly first. It's the same bad behavior driven by the same cause.

Respond to an offense with love

Offenses and your reactions happen fast though, so you will need to practice and prepare ahead of time to be able to remember these steps in the heat of the moment. You might want to read through this procedure daily or replay past offenses that you reacted badly to, running through these steps to see what you should have done.

Procedure for reacting to offenses:
  1. Recognize your angry, defensive, offended, unbalanced emotions when they are triggered.
  2. Recognize the desire to place blame for those emotions on the other person and see them as the bad guy.
  3. Remember the four real reasons people behave badly. Ask yourself: Is this person intentionally trying to hurt you, or could it be one of the other three reasons that aren't about you at all? If it's one of those, you now have two options: Let it go and ignore it (usually the best option), or speak your truth and ask for better treatment, but do it in a loving, validating way.
Procedure for mutually validating conversations:
  1. See the other person as the same as you. They are not the bad one, and you the good one. You are both good and bad, and you have the same intrinsic value all the time. Do not talk down to the other person or attack them in any way. You are no better than they are.
  2. Ask if they would be open to talking about the relationship and how you could both make it better.
  3. Ask how they are feeling about the relationship. Ask if there is anything you do that bothers them, that they would love to have you work on or change. Ask if there is anything you do that bothers or irritates them. Be humble, teachable and willing to make some changes yourself. Be willing to spend time here, really listening and validating their right to feel the way they do. This is the love part of the conversation and this is where you show them that you are committed to showing up for and caring about them.
  4. Explain how you feel about the behavior they have that bothers you, but do so using more "I" statements than "you" statements. Say things like "when this happens, I feel this way ... ," or "To me, it looks and feels this way and I just wondered if you would be willing to do that differently next time that happens?" Focus on the future behavior you want to see, not the past bad behavior that they can't change. Make sure this is not an attack; it is you sharing how you feel when certain things happen and owning your fear issues.
  5. Tell them it would really help you if they would consider changing one thing moving forward. Focus on only one change in this conversation (others can wait for another time).
  6. Repeat the steps 3-5 again if needed. At this point, the other person might have more to say to you or might get defensive. If this happens, go back to step 3 and ask questions and validate their feelings again. Go through steps 3-5 again and again, until you both feel supported, heard and understood.
This article has a lot of steps to follow, which will be hard to remember in the heat of the moment when you get offended. You will need to read this often and do a lot of mental replay after a fight to go back through what happened and see what you could have done differently. That kind of practice really helps, though.

You and your partner may also need some coaching or counseling to work on the underlying fear issues that cause you to feel unsafe with each other. I find most couples who fight a lot need individual coaching to get their subconscious fears under control before they can create a healthy relationship. Always be willing to take this on and work on yourself.

You can do this.
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Are you the problem?

10/5/2020

0 Comments

 
This was first published on KSL.com
​
Question:

I often have problems with co-workers and am often bothered or angry with their behavior. They are inconsiderate and they never take responsibility for what they do wrong. I am thinking of looking for another job, but I am worried that before long the new co-workers would just bother me too. I’d like a job where I didn’t have to deal with people at all, but in my field that doesn’t exist. I realize the problem might be me and not them, but how do you really know? How can I feel less bothered with people?

Answer:

First I want to commend you for being willing to look at the situation and see if you are the problem. That takes courage and the truth is we are always at least part of the problem. If you are often bothered with other people’s behavior or find yourself angry at people on a regular basis, one of two things is happening:
  1. You might have bad luck and run into a lot of difficult, unbalanced people (meaning the problem is them), or
  2. You may be oversensitive to noticing what’s wrong in any situation, you take things too personally, and/or you have a subconscious tendency towards judgment and criticizing (meaning the problem is you).
If you rarely have problems with other people, and only find a few who are difficult to deal with, chances are the problem is more them. If you have people problems all the time, everywhere you go, with lots of types of people, chances are that more of the problem is you. This can be hard to accept though, because in your mind (from your perspective) it may really look like the other people are clearly in the wrong. This can make seeing the truth difficult.

If you are willing to seek the truth and grow, there are some things you can do to check yourself and make sure you aren’t the problem, and make seeing your problem easier to understand.

Strengthen your self-esteem first

To ready yourself for this exercise first remind yourself that you have the exact same intrinsic value as every other human being on the planet, whether you are the problem or not. Life is a classroom and you are here to learn, but you cannot fail or be "not good enough." No matter where you are or what you are struggling with, you still have the same value as everyone else and you are right on track in your classroom journey (or you can believe this if you want to).

This means you are safe to look at your behavior objectively, see problems with it and make changes and there is nothing to fear. You are still OK and safe. Take a minute and tune into this belief.

Ask for honest feedback

You might want to ask some close friends or family members for some candid feedback about your behavior. You might have to reassure these people that you can handle the truth and want to learn. Tell them you really want to see where your perspective might not be accurate. You might also ask them what you could do to improve yourself and show up for other people better. If doing this scares you, work with a coach or counselor to build up your self-esteem first. A coach or counselor may also be a safe place to get some objective feedback. A third-party person can often tell you things a family member or friend would be too scared to say.

Don’t be offended by the feedback. Thank them for being willing to support your learning and take some time alone to step back and look at their perspective. There is a chance it isn’t accurate and they could be projecting their issues onto you. But if you will sit quietly with the information, your gut usually knows what you own and what you don’t.

Check for trust issues

Do you have a hard time believing others have your best interest in mind? Do you delegate or prefer to do things yourself so you know they are done right? Does having control make you feel safer? Do you subconsciously assume other people can’t be trusted? If you have a subconscious tendency to distrust, you may generally feel unsafe in the world. This makes you see everything and everyone as a threat. If you have had this programming your whole life, you may be more confrontational and easy to offend. The important part is that you become aware of this tendency, so you can catch it when it’s happening. Acknowledge that you might be seeing the situation through your "mistreatment lenses." Ask another person who doesn’t have this tendency how they view the situation and be willing to shift your story around the situation to one that is less offending.

Ask yourself these questions:
  1. Do you gossip and find fault with others?
  2. When someone tells you about their bad day, is your response about your bad day?
  3. Do you have a victim story and tell it often?
  4. Do you dominate conversations and struggle to care enough to listen?
  5. Do you give unsolicited advice? Is there any chance it insults others?
  6. Have you ever been told you are controlling?
  7. Do you get really bothered when others are inconsiderate?
  8. Do you have people problems with lots of people?
  9. Do you have a hard time forgiving?
  10. Do you hold grudges?
  11. Do you bring up wrongs from the past in current fights?
  12. If you listed out all your current problems and who is responsible for them, would the list have your name on it?
  13. Have you received feedback from others about your difficult behavior?
If you answered yes to many of these questions, there is a chance that your subconscious programming, which drives your behavior, has some problems. You might have a subconscious tendency to feel unsafe that is causing you to see threats everywhere and in everyone. You don’t mean to be easy to offend or irritate, you just truly feel mistreated, disregarded, and justifiably annoyed with other people all the time.

Don’t have any shame around this — show compassion to yourself and others.

Just own that you may need some work on your fear triggers or some additional healthy thinking skills you haven’t had the opportunity to learn. It’s time to find some professional help to change the underlying fears that drive bad behavior. You are not a bad person, though. You are just a scared, stressed, worried person who needs to learn another way to see and process what goes on around you.

You also need to work on having more compassion and being more tolerant of other people’s bad behavior. Every time you condemn or judge another person for bad behavior and get bothered or annoyed by them, you are subconsciously making a rule that says "there are faults which make some humans unworthy of love." Every time you do this, you are also accepting the same rule for yourself. You are confirming the belief that there are faults in you that could make you unworthy of love too. This will make you need to judge others more to feel better and a vicious cycle is created.

Work on changing this one thing. Be more compassionate and less judgmental of others. Allow them to be flawed and still be worthy of love. Be more patient, forgiving, and let a lot of annoying things go. You will not only get along better with others, but your own self-esteem will improve.

You can do this.
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Coach Kim: How to have difficult conversations without offending

9/28/2020

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This was first published on ksl.com


Question:

I am in a wonderful relationship. I feel very loved, and I love her. We respect each other’s differences and appreciate them. However, something has recently come up: my partner has started smoking socially. I am a religious person and she is not, but that doesn’t bother me. What bothers me is that she is a recovering addict and she’s been sober for two years, but I’m afraid she is going to use smoking to replace her old vice. Would I be controlling or rude if I told her I was concerned by her smoking? She is pretty stressed right now, and I want to help her, but I can’t stand thinking that she’s going to develop another harmful habit.

Answer:

It sounds like what you're asking is how to give negative feedback about another person’s problem or bad habit without making them feel defensive or attacked. Here are some tips and a very soft approach to making these tricky conversations easier.

Treat the other person as an equal

When you treat the other person as an equal, you do not talk down to them. We all have a subconscious tendency to see bad behavior in another person as making them "less good" than we are, and we might accidentally come across as thinking we are "better" if we aren’t careful. It is important that you remember that even though you don’t have this problem or bad habit, you have others. You are not perfect. You have faults and flaws too. Make sure you see the other person as an equal and make them feel honored and respected for their right to be where they are. Remember, they have the same value as you. Don’t talk down or be patronizing.

Focus on gaining understanding

Go into the conversation with your only agenda being to gain understanding and make the other person feel valued. Don’t have an agenda around changing or fixing them; if you do, they will pick up on this and likely get defensive from the start. Go into this conversation with the primary goal of showing them you care about, honor and respect them. You can have a topic in mind — in this case, to understand more about their smoking — but with no agenda around it.

Ask for permission to approach the subject

Ask the other person if they would be willing to have a conversation about smoking so you can know and love them better. Go ahead and let them know the topic you want to talk about, but reassure them that you are going to really listen and will not lecture, push your opinions, or interrupt. Make sure they feel safe with you. If you have not been a good listener in the past, you might have to apologize for that and ask them to please give you another chance to show up better.

Ask non-judgmental questions

Ask them questions about what they think and feel around the topic but make sure the questions don’t sound judgmental. Questions like: "Why in the world would you want to smoke? and "Don’t you know how damaging it is?" are judgmental questions. Instead, try something like "I really want to understand about smoking, I guess I don’t really understand the appeal. Would you be willing to educate me and help me understand why you like it? I promise my asking is not from judgment, but just from wanting to understand you so I can support you better. Would you tell me about what it does for you?" Notice the lack of agenda in that? The other person is not going to be honest and share their feelings if they feel you are going to make them feel wrong or bad. They have to feel they have a safe place to share.

Don't agree or disagree

Don't agree or disagree with what the other person says. Simply listen and validate their right to be where they are and feel the way they do. Say things like, "I can totally see why you might feel that way. Tell me more about that." Remember, you can disagree with what they say or think and still validate their right to feel the way they do. If you strongly disagree with their views, bite your tongue and don’t go there yet.

Be open to making your own changes

If you want someone to hear you, listen to your views, and possibly change their viewpoint or behavior, you must first show them you are also open to changing yours (you might want to read that again). This is the crucial piece. If you are stubbornly dug into your being right, they are going to do the same. If they can feel that you are open to learning, understanding, and even being wrong, they can let their defenses come down because they are safe to do so. They likely will be more open, too. You may have to prove that you are this open by actually bending and admitting you are learning some things here that make you rethink your position.

Ask to share your views

After the other person has had awhile to really explain their views, and they feel heard and validated, then and only then can you ask permission to share your views. Ask them if they know that you love them and only want the best for them. Ask them if they know you are coming from a position of only love, not judgment. Very respectfully ask them if they would be willing to let you share some of your concerns about smoking and why it scares you. Let them know if they don’t feel comfortable hearing your views on this, that is OK too. This makes this a real question, not a rhetorical one. If they say they are not open to hearing your views, you must say, "OK, I respect that" and walk away. Your willingness to honor their answer builds trust in the relationship.

Follow 2 simple rules

When the other person is ready to listen to you, follow these two simple rules:
  1. Use mostly "I" statements, not "you" statements. Say things like, "I get scared by your smoking because I fear it is addictive and can start to take over your life. I am scared about the health risks and don’t want to see you get sick one day. In my opinion, it’s just not worth that risk." Notice these statements are less confrontational than "Your smoking scares me because you have had problems in the past and you could have issues again. You don’t seem to care about your health." Can you see the difference "I" statements make? "You" statements always feel like an attack.
  2. Focus more on their future behavior than their past. They can’t change the past. The only thing they have control over in the future. Ask if they might be willing to consider rethinking smoking moving forward. Ask if there is anything you could do to support them finding another way to cope besides smoking

Love, encourage and validate


If a person feels you are trying to change them, they will always resist changing. If they feel your unconditional love and support, and if you express concern from love and caring (not judgment) and are willing to listen, understand, and even learn something you didn’t know, they will be more open.

The best way to get someone to change something about themselves is through encouragement and positive validation. You could watch for times that she makes good health choices and tell her how awesome she is that she cares about her health and makes those choices. Let her know you admire the way she quit her previous addictive behavior and that you really love and respect her for that (without saying anything about smoking). If you make these comments every once in awhile, she might want to live up to your highest opinion of her and decide to change her habits on her own because she wants to be that person that you see.

Remember, though, you must stay out of judgment and let go of the idea that you are right and she is wrong. Show up with total respect for her and her choices, and just focus on understanding and supporting her. This approach is not controlling or rude as long as you are sincere.

You can do this.
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Coach Kim: Allow people you love to be different from you

9/21/2020

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This was first published on ksl.com

SALT LAKE CITY — In this edition of LIFEadvice, Coach Kim shares some tips and tricks to improve your relationships.
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Question:

My husband feels that when our adult kids come over for Sunday dinner that I act more childlike especially if we are playing some type of game. He thinks adults should never act like children and it bothers him. From my point of view, I work very hard and I enjoy having fun especially with our kids — and since I have to be serious all day at work, it is fun to let up a bit on occasion, but he does not appreciate it. How do I respond to this and what should I do differently? Should I change to please him? Should he want me to change or love me as I am?

Answer:

I have written quite a few times this year about how important it is that we allow others to be different from us. We all have a tendency to think the way we function in the world is the right way, and we subconsciously expect others to be the same and are irritated if they aren’t. This isn’t fair, right or workable in your relationships.

Every person comes with different perspectives, different internal wiring, a unique upbringing, and a different set of past experiences and views. They are, therefore, going to view and do life differently from how you do it. If you cannot allow them (and even honor and respect their right) to be who they are, the relationship is going to be a hard one and may not work.

Here are some tips, tricks, truths and rules of engagement to consider when you run into differences with someone you love:

1. If you have a different way of being that bothers your partner, you need to have a mutually validating conversation about it.

This means a conversation where you listen to their views, thoughts, feelings and concerns, and explore with your partner why the behavior triggers something negative in them. Try to understand why they feel the way they feel and honor and respect their right to feel that way. But this does not necessarily mean you should change the behavior.

2. If someone is unhappy with your behavior, you must ask yourself if you think the behavior is working for you.

Be honest with yourself and willing to see the problems or downsides of the behavior. Be willing to hear the other person's concerns about it and consider changing it. But, if you do this and you authentically like this part of yourself and think it’s working for you, ask them if they would be willing to listen to your feelings about it. Explain why it’s a part of you that is not going to change and that they will have to learn to accept. You could also look for some kind of compromise that might make you both feel honored and respected. But generally, you should not change who you authentically are unless you can see negatives in the behavior and agree that it’s not working for you.

In your specific situation with your childlike side, I tend to think you should honor and validate your partner’s feelings but continue to be you. If it doesn’t feel like a damaging enough or negative behavior that causes any real problems, your partner probably needs to learn to love you are you are.

3. You should always try to let the people you love be their authentic selves.

Allow others to have different views, beliefs, styles, routines and behaviors from yours. Never expect them to be like you. You can expect them to treat you with kindness, respect and love ,of course — and if they don’t, you should definitely talk about that — but personality type differences in behavior should be cherished, laughed at and even celebrated.

4. The key to changing another person’s view, is to be open to changing your life first.

If a person you love has major differences in values or morals, or they have views you really feel are wrong, you can speak your truth about this and even try to educate or change them, but you must do it the right way. You must first be just as willing to listen to their views as you are to talk about your own. You must handle the conversation with respect, seeing them as equal in value (because you aren’t perfect either). If you cannot approach them this way, with humility and respect, they will likely just get defensive and defend their right to be how they are. They will dig in their heels and refuse to change if you aren’t open to changing too.

5. Never assume your way of being is better or right, and others are wrong.

If you want a person to be open to learning and changing, you must be willing to listen and learn from them. You must be open to being wrong and learning something new yourself. This is the only way to encourage openness in them.

6. Be a safe place for each other.

The biggest problem I see in most relationships is that partners don’t feel safe enough to discuss critical issues with each other. They are both too quick to be offended and get defensive. They don’t feel safe with each other because they fear they are going to be made wrong or made to feel they aren’t good enough. The first thing that must change in these relationships is both partners must commit to be a safe place for the other, a place where the other's infinite value will be honored and their self-esteem protected.

7. Loved ones have more power to hurt us and, therefore, we must work twice as hard at being the cure to their fears.

We are all afraid we aren’t good enough and we aren’t safe. These are our deepest, darkest fears. We want, more than anything, to have the people we love most see us as good enough and to feel safe with them. Unfortunately, this sometimes doesn’t happen. The people we love disappoint us, let us down, irritate and offend us, and we in turn get critical and defensive. These fear reactions block our ability to love and cherish these people.

ConclusionIf you want to have healthy, rich, loving relationships, the most important thing you can do is make sure the people you love feel good enough and safe. You can literally be the cure to their core fears, instead of often being the cause. Be careful with criticism. Give lots of validation about everything they do right. Let them know, at the end of the day, they and their self-esteem are safe with you. Make it your No. 1 goal to give validation and reassurance to your partner on a daily basis. This will create a relationship based in love and trust.

You can do this.
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Coach Kim: Who are the people that rankle you?

9/14/2020

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This was first published on ksl.com

SALT LAKE CITY — There are always people in your life who you take issue with or who rub you the wrong way. There may even be some humans you just can’t stand.

It is important that you take stock of these people and why you have strong feelings against them. Maybe they did something that offended you, or they just have personalities that irritate or annoy you. Whatever the problem is, these people are triggering you for a reason, and figuring out the reason behind those triggers is important.

The people who rankle you hold clues about your beliefs, judgments, shame and inner pain. They provide opportunities for you to learn about yourself and heal. But in order to use these experiences to heal yourself, you have to recognize that they aren’t just annoying people; they are perfect teachers in your classroom.

The most important thing they do for you is show you the limits of your love. You are a loving person with love to give to everyone around you, right up until you get to THOSE people. Then, you hit a limit. Your love doesn’t extend that far. This is a place where some really amazing growth can happen if you are willing to ask yourself some questions.
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What does the person represent?

Think about one of these teachers in your life who is showing you the limits of your love. Then ask yourself the following:
  • What does that person represent? In other words, what bad behavior, fear, trait or attribute do they represent to you? There may be a few answers that come to mind.
  • Take each of those traits or behaviors and ask yourself: What is behind this trait or behavior that scares me? What will happen if that (scary thing) happens? What will that mean? See if you can get to the root fear about that behavior and what it means.
  • Take each root fear and ask yourself: Why do I feel threatened or unsafe when it comes to that idea? What about that attribute scares me in some way? Does this come from something in my past or childhood? Is it something that bothers me because of experiences that had nothing to do with this person? Did I have issues with that fear long before this person was even around? If the answer to any of these conditions is "yes," you now know this is your problem, not theirs.

This is where the work starts

Now you get to explore the part of you that feels unsafe by the trait, behavior or fear this person represents. Why do you feel "not good enough" or "not safe" in the world if that trait, behavior, or fear is in play? What healing needs to happen for you so you can heal that part of you?

You may want to find some professional help from a coach or counselor for this work, but whatever you do you cannot keep projecting the problem on and blaming this other person for the way you are being triggered. They are only in your life as a teacher to help you see the place you need to heal so you can work on it.

This idea may be one you have to process and think about before you believe it’s true or worth the work. It will always feel easier to keep blaming and shaming someone else. Your ego will really want to keep making it about other people and their issues because this feels safer. The problem is that teachers will keep coming and this problem will not go away. It will keep showing up until you are ready to work on you.

Everyone you dislike holds a secret of healing and help for you if you are willing to look for it, but there is something else even more helpful they can also give you.\

Learning to love yourself

Another crucial thing you must understand about the people that bother you is they also show you the limits of your love toward yourself. You can only love yourself as much as you can love your neighbors, and you can only love your neighbors as much as you can love yourself. You may not be aware of this connection or want to believe it, but I believe it’s true. If you hate the darkness in yourself, you will hate every bit of darkness you can find in others. If you are hateful toward others, you similarly won’t be able to love yourself.

As long as there are people whose darkness (bad behavior or faults) seem to you to make them unworthy of love, there will also be parts of yourself that you will also see as unworthy of love. It’s like there are two options when it comes to love, and you are going to have to choose one. If you don’t consciously choose one, you will subconsciously choose one, so you have to choose. The two options involve how you determine the value of all human beings.

Option 1 – People can be not good enough. This mindset means you see human value as changeable and something that must be earned. This means life is like a test and you gain points or lose points based on your appearance, performance, property and what others think of you. This also means that some humans have more value than other humans and that judging who is better or worse makes sense. If you choose this option, you will gossip, judge and criticize other people because you need to see them as worse than you to feel better about yourself. You will also battle a terrible fear of not being good enough (and have low self-esteem), no matter how hard you try. You will always find people who have things about them you don’t have and you will never feel good enough. You will also see all human beings as different from you and you will feel separate from them, and this will encourage you to make more divisions and groups, trying to find some group identity that would give you a sense of safety (even though that safety comes only from hating or condemning other people). Can you see this happening in our world right now?

Option 2 – All people are always good enough. This mindset means you see human value as infinite, absolute and unchangeable. This means all humans (without exception) have the exact same intrinsic worth and there is nothing anyone can do that gives them more value than any other human being. There is also nothing you can do to have less value than any other human being. No matter what anyone does they have the same intrinsic worth as the rest of us. This will make you feel connected to the whole human race and you won’t need to form groups and declare some people better or worse. You will understand that we are all equal but different. The more you allow every human being around you to be a struggling, scared student in the classroom of life — just like you — the more compassion you will have for yourself, too. When you allow others' value to be unchangeable and you see them as good enough and worthy of love, even when they are flawed, this also lifts your worth. You will start to have stable, solid self-esteem because there is no possibility of failure. Life is a classroom, not a test, and mistakes create the lessons we need to learn, but they don’t change our value. This mindset makes you feel safer with others and could literally create more peace on Earth.

You get to decide about 20 times a day, which mindset you will choose. Every time you are tempted to judge or find fault in another person you are choosing a mindset. If you choose condemnation and judgment, you must understand you are also choosing that for yourself. If they are not good enough, you aren’t good enough, either. The option you choose for them you also choose for yourself. You can’t have it both ways.

We are on this planet to evolve, grow and learn. Every experience you have here serves that purpose, even feelings of dislike toward other people. Take the time to pay attention and think about these interesting people in your life, I promise it will serve you.

You can do this.
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Coach Kim: 6 ways to improve your relationship this week

8/31/2020

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This was first published on ksl.com
​
Question:

First, I have to say I love reading your weekly articles. The last few weeks have really resonated with me. My girlfriend and I have been together for about four years. Lately, I find myself really wanting affection, validation, a compliment or to feel wanted by her. She used to do little things for me and tell me nice things all the time. Whenever I try to talk to her about it and ask for what I need, she gets angry and feels like I am criticizing her and she feels like she's not good enough. I don't feel like I am doing this with critical intentions. I feel myself getting passive-aggressive about it and feeling bad that she doesn't do these things. I feel like I can't even talk to her about it or she'll just get mad, so I feel like I just have to accept it as it is or give up on the relationship. Do you have any recommendations?

Answer:

I am going to teach you some tricks for having hard conversations about your relationship, but I will also give you some tips for making the relationship more fulfilling and rich. It is definitely worth trying these things before you give up.

It would be a good exercise for every couple to sit together, read this article and discuss how they can do better in all six areas. Relationships take work; being willing to improve yourself and make changes is critical.

1. Learn more about your partner and how they are wired differently from you

Detailed information on how to learn more about your partner and how he or she is wired can be found in an article I wrote called "The anatomy of your relationship." Once you've done this, make sure you are loving them for who they are and giving them room to be themselves. You are never going to make a task-driven and not very emotional person into an attentive, emotional empath. You will (to some degree) have to learn to love who they really are. This doesn’t mean you can’t bring up offenses or request more loving behavior from them, you just have to do it the right way without attacking them or expecting them to be you. I will explain the right way to do so below.

2. Work on managing your own fear triggers

Your No. 1 job in the relationship is to stay in a trust and love state and be responsible for balanced behavior. When done correctly, this takes so much work and effort that you shouldn’t have much time left for trying to fix your partner.

If you have a hard time getting feedback from your partner and tend to get defensive or feel attacked, you may have a fear-of-failure problem that is hindering your ability to show up with love. You are so worried about not being good enough, you can’t access love for your partner. You may need to get some professional help to manage your fear and become more capable of receiving feedback without feeling attacked. A therapist or coach can make this process easier and faster. Likewise, if you are easily offended, overly critical, or judgmental, you may have a fear-of-loss problem you need to work on. Your partner needs you to own these issues and get to work on becoming a more balanced you.

It is also your partner's No. 1 job to stay in a trust and love state. If he or she is not willing to work on themselves, this might not be the healthy relationship you want to be in. That is something you will have to consider.

3. Have mutually validating conversations about what you both need — every week

Make it a weekly tradition that you find some quiet time (every week at the same day and time works best) and ask each other, "How you are feeling about our relationship and what is one thing I could do to show up for you better?" Then, listen and validate, honor and respect their right to be experiencing things the way they are and feeling how they do. Thank them for being open and honest with you and commit to trying to give what they requested. Then, have them do the same for you. Remember, mutually validating conversations are about listening to understand and better love the other person; they are about giving to each other, not trying to get what you need. If you both go into these conversations with a giving mindset, no one should get offended.



4. Become the cure to your partner's core fear

As you learn more about your partner and their differences, figure out what their biggest core fear trigger is. It will likely be something around being not good enough (fear of failure) or feeling taken from or mistreated (fear of loss). Ask lots of questions and figure out what makes them feel the most unsafe in the relationship. Figure out how you can become the cure to that fear and make them feel safe every single day — as much as you are able to, anyway. Most of their fear work ultimately has to be done by them, but you can help by being a constant source of validation and reassurance. Doing your best to make them feel safe with you is guaranteed to make a difference.

5. Make sure your partner feels admired, appreciated, respected and wanted every day

These four things create really rich relationships. Real love happens best when they are all present. If you love your partner but don’t respect or admire them, it won’t be the kind of love they are really after. If your partner loves you but doesn’t appreciate what you do, you won’t feel very loved. The one thing you have control over in this relationship is what you are giving the other person. Try every single day to say and do something that makes your partner feel admired, appreciated, respected and wanted, and you will be amazed at what you get back.

6. Forgive, give the benefit of the doubt, and be slow to get offended

Below are some things that will help you be more forgiving and less easily offended:
  • Know that every healthy, rich relationship is made of two good forgivers. If one or both of you struggle to forgive slights and are easily offended, this relationship is going to be a hard one. If you hold grudges and struggle to let things go, this is a problem you must work on. Expecting your partner to tick you off less, isn’t the solution. A grudge against another person is your problem to solve.
  • Talk to your partner as an equal. Any two people, who spend lots of time together are going to offend, slight, disrespect and bother each other. It is going to happen. Your ability to give your partner the benefit of the doubt that they don’t intentionally desire to hurt you — and to forgive them when they do — is critical. You can still bring up slights and discuss them, but you have to do that from equal ground acknowledging that you make mistakes and aren’t perfect either. Do not talk down to them like they are the bad one. Talk to them as equals with the exact same value, with respect and appreciation for all they do right, too. You never own the high ground and you must remember that.
  • Understand that when you are struggling to love something about your partner, it often means there is a part of yourself you are struggling to love too. It is our subconscious self-hate that we project onto other people, which makes us bothered with them. The more bothered and offended you get, the more self-love work you must do on and for yourself. You cannot love others except for the way you love yourself. If this concept is hard to get your head around, keep thinking about it. The better you get at forgiving and loving the faults and flaws in your partner, the better you will be at loving yourself. Forgive them because you want to feel compassion and forgiveness for yourself, too.
Discuss these areas with your partner and be willing to get some help and work on yourselves if it would make the relationship healthier.

You can do this.
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Coach Kim: Does conflict mean the relationship is doomed?

8/24/2020

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This was first published on ksl.com

Question:

I have been dating a guy for about seven months. We have talked about marriage but are not sure if we are ready. I have some concerns about how critical of each other we both are. He is critical of my clothes, car, cleanliness. I am critical of his schedule and how he doesn’t make time for me. I want to make the relationship works after all the time I have invested into it, but my feeling is that if we are critical of each other now, does that reflect a mismatch of values and perhaps mean it is time to move on? So my question is, how hard should you have to work on a dating relationship to make it work and when is it time to move on?

Answer:

I love this question, but I am going to break it down into the three smaller questions that will make the answer easier to understand.
  1. Why are you both being critical of each other and what’s up with that behavior?
  2. Is it a bad sign that means the relationship is wrong or doomed?
  3. Should you stay together and keep working on it, or when should you move on?
As I answer each of these questions, please ponder some of the conflict behavior in your own relationship and what it means.

1. Why are you two being so critical of each other and what’s up with that behavior?

There are a few reasons this conflict might be happening. People are critical or conflict-prone because:
  • It's an immature way to lift a person's own self-esteem. People tend to criticize others when they are in an unbalanced fear state and deeply afraid they aren’t good enough. One way their ego tries to fix this fear is by looking for anything and everything wrong in other people, situations or institutions around them. The more they can focus on the bad elsewhere, the better they feel about themselves. If others are "more bad," then they must be more good. This is a poor fix though that doesn’t work because, in the end, they know their negativity isn’t the best them. If the person causing conflict is afraid they aren’t good enough, they will project that fear onto you and see you as not enough. Could that be happening?
  • They are fear-of-loss dominant (as I explained in last week’s article) and have a tendency to see what is wrong in every moment or situation and bring it up. This happens because they don’t feel safe in the world unless things are right. They are super observant and opinionated, and they are just really wired to be that way. Are you both (or is one of you) that way? Are you just naturally observant (and critical) of people, even if you don’t mean to be? You are not trying to be critical, you are actually trying to help make everything it’s best. It just comes across as critical to other people. Does this sound like either of you?
  • You are not right for each other, and your gut is sounding alarm bells that this relationship just isn’t right. Maybe you are noticing everything that isn’t right because your gut is screaming, "This is not the right relationship for you!" One or both of you might be getting that message. Sometimes the one person who is getting that signal is the one meant to listen and end this relationship, while the other is meant to experience being left. There are interesting lessons in both experiences. Could that be happening?
Sit and think about each of those options and see if any of them feel accurate about yourself first. Then ask yourself which might be true of your partner. The truth is there, and you will see it if you pose the questions and sit with it for a while. Your inner GPS (your guidance system that always leads to your perfect classroom) always knows the answer.

2. Is it a bad sign that means the relationship is wrong or doomed?

Criticizing one another does not necessarily mean the relationship won’t work, will be too hard, or isn’t right. But there are three things it could mean and, again, you will have to listen to your inner GPS to know which is happening in your case.
  • The criticism in this relationship could be there to teach you something. You may think your primary reason for being in a relationship is to make each other happy, but you are on this planet to grow and learn — and every experience you have is here to facilitate growth. So, this relationship is in your life, because there are things you both must teach and learn from the other. The question is, is this issue (of you both being critical of each other) here to teach you guys something? Maybe you are supposed to keep working on this until you learn those lessons. That is one possibility, and that would mean you are right where you are supposed to be (for now). If this is the case for you, you might consider some professional help to make the learning go faster.
  • Maybe you are a bad match. If the criticism is really getting to you and you are starting to feel like you can never be good enough for this person, it might be time to admit that you two aren't a good match. Your gut might be telling you that this wouldn’t be a healthy relationship for you.
  • You both need to learn to be less critical. I guarantee you are wired differently than your partner and you have different core fears, value systems, upbringings, beliefs and hang-ups. The problem in most relationships is that we all kind of expect our partner should handle life the way we do and see things the way we see them. When they don’t, we think this needs to be fixed. But it might not need fixing at all.
You might really need to learn to love (accurately and fully) this person you decided to love. That means allowing them to be different from you and handle life differently and see the world differently. I actually believe every couple needs to work on doing this, to some degree. Most couples I work with find that a little work on seeing each other accurately and allowing room for the other's quirkiness means they can stop criticizing and let most of the conflict go.

I teach relationship dynamics for a living, and I can tell you that the perfect match for you is rarely someone just like you. You were likely drawn to this person because of their differences. See if you can love those differences, laugh at their quirkiness and stop trying to change them.

3. Should you stay together and keep working on it, or when should you move on?

You are the only one entitled to the answer to this question, but you are entitled to it. Think it out, listen to your gut and make the decision that feels right, then try on the answer for a few hours — or a few days — and see how it feels. Even though breaking up is painful, sad and hard, you will know if it’s the right thing to do.

If you cannot figure out what your gut is saying, you probably have some fear in the way. You may need some help to quiet the fears so you can hear your gut. Again, some professional relationship help can make this easier.

You can do this.
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    These articles were originally published on KSL.COM

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    Kimberly Giles is the president and founder of Claritypoint Life Coaching and 12 SHAPES INC.  She is an author and professional speaker. She was named one of the top 20 advice gurus in the country by Good Morning America in 2010. She appears regularly on local and national TV and Radio.

     She writes a regular weekly advice column that is published on KSL.com every Monday. She is the author of the books Choosing Clarity and The People Guidebook. 

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