Question:

I read your recent article about how to tell loved ones you are leaving the family religion. I am having a hard time understanding how my family thinks if someone leaves their religion they are automatically going to be a bad person, who will end up in Hell. What is it about religion that makes people judge others and determine their worth or worthiness, instead of the kind of person they are? And how come we tend to see people with different beliefs as the wrong or bad ones, and think ours are the only right?

Answer:

It will help to understand some things about human behavior. All human beings (without exception) struggle with some fear that they aren’t good enough. We all compare ourselves with others, worry, and stress about our appearance, property, and performance. Since we naturally struggle with insecurity, our subconscious minds have been working, since we were children, to figure out ways to quiet our fear and feel safer in the world. Here are some of the ways we do this:

• We get competitive and try to beat other humans at anything. (If I can win this game, at least I am better than this guy. That will feel good.)
• We become know-it-alls and show-offs trying to prove we have value.
• We get critical and judgmental of other people and their behavior, and we gossip about them, because the more we focus on bad in them, it takes the focus off our own bad.
• We get critical and judgmental of institutions, the government, the church, the schools, anything, and everything, which again takes the focus off our bad.
• We try to establish a sense of identity we can feel confident about, through our work and we make our job who we are. This could quiet your fears for a while, but if you get laid off or downsized, your whole identity goes away and you crash.
• We try to establish a sense of identity in our children and focus our whole life on their accomplishments. This works until they all leave home and aren’t there anymore.
• We join groups that we find amazing, cool, fun, or special and we lean on a group identity and define ourselves and our value by the group. We do this with religions, college alumni groups, sports fan clubs, teams, hobby groups, political party, race, neighborhoods, even things as simple as seeing yourself as a Coke drinker instead of Pepsi drinker. Anything that makes you feel superior to other people, in another group. This is the most common and most harmful of the strategies.

We are seeing this in politics right now. Both sides are dug in on their views for the country as the right ones, and they see those crazy, illogical, immoral, bad, evil people, who don’t share the same views, as dangerous. They are the enemy and there are only two options, you are with them, or you are with us. Some candidates are seeing the danger in this. If we can’t find a grey place in the middle where we all agree, nothing will get done, and we will continue to divide us from each other.

Psychologists call this practice of creating “us” versus “them” groups, othering. We see us as good and those other people as bad. This requires us to see the world in a very binary way. There are only two options, us and them, black and white, good and bad, righteous and evil, taller and shorter, or thinner and fatter. This binary, black and white thinking forces us to remove the grey area (where we might not be enough) and clearly put ourselves in a good group. By yourself you might not be good enough, but this group is good enough, even though you only think that because you are seeing the other guys as worse.

The dangerous thing about this human tendency is, it can be used against us. Advertisers know if they can present a cool identity that you could claim just because of the cool people who use their product, you will buy it because you need the self-esteem boost.

Any organization that wants to keep you buying it’s products or in its ranks, can subtly use this tendency to make you see them as the only good one and everything else as bad or evil. The truth is no person is ever all bad or all good (except maybe a few like Hitler, I will give you that). The rest of us are all grey, and purple, or blue striped, and totally diverse and different from everyone else. So, though othering (dividing yourself and joining groups) can provide a temporary boost to your ego, and quiet your fear, there is a cost.

The cost comes to your relationships. It’s hard to have mutually validating, safe relationship, if you tend to see everyone outside your group as bad or wrong. But that is what you need to do to get the self-esteem boost that being in the group provides.

This is the catch. How can you get the benefits of being in a special, elect, amazing group, yet be able to interact with “them” and not make them wrong, bad, un-elect or evil? There is a way, but let me explain about religion first.

The reason religion creates more fear than any other type of grouping is the beliefs are of eternal consequence (at least thats the belief) and God himself is involved in it. Religion makes us more scared and in this fear state, we are going to be less loving, tolerant, and open and more threatened. The more the other religious group insists they are right, they are obviously saying you are wrong, and that makes them a threat.

What you didn’t ask me was, How can you have safer, less threatening conversations and relationships with people, who have different religious beliefs or who see your beliefs as wrong?

The answer lies in removing the fear. Here are some ways to do that:

1. There is no absolute truth about God and which religion is right. You may believe, because of what you have felt, you know absolute truth, but you can’t prove it. This is what makes religion tricky, there is no way to disprove anything. Anyone can make any claim and you cannot prove them wrong. So, we must all (everyone in every religion) own the fact that our truth feels like truth to us, but we don’t know if it IS the truth. Instead of saying, “My church is the only true one”, go with, “This is the only church for me.” It’s much less threatening and is actually more accurate.
2. Make sure, when you hear about a person, who has left your religion, you don’t dwell on or focus on fear for them, because you will be incapable of showing them love if you do. In any moment, you can either show up in fear or love, but not both. Choose to focus on showing them that your love, friendship, kindness, and happiness doesn’t change because of anything they do or believe. If we all focused on being kind, warm and friendly to each other, we would all be living our religions too.
3. Don’t judge anyone by their religious beliefs or which church they attend. Don’t assume that anyone in that group, is any kind of person (judgmental, evil, deceived, righteous, honest, kind, lost, or wrong), just because they are in that group. Get to know them and put their groups out of your mind. Know them as an individual.
4. Don’t worry so much about which religion they belong to. Treat everyone the same. Honor and respect everyone’s right to believe their truth.
5. If someone tells you they have changed religions and believe yours is false, say, "Okay, I totally respect your right to whatever truth you believe in and I love you the same either way."

Watch what groups you are identifying with and why. Make sure you aren't using black and white thinking to see your groups as better than anyone else. All human beings have the same intrinsic worth, no matter to what they belong.

You can do this. 

Coach Kimberly Giles is a sought after human behavior expert and speaker. She is the founder of 12shapes.com and claritypointcoaching.com and provides corporate team building and people skills training.

This was first published on KSL.com 

Many couples who are having problems in their relationship get stuck because they are both holding onto resentment over past wrongs. This resentment can build up for years around a long list of slights, offenses or mistreatment. Even if you both learn new relationship or communication skills and start behaving better, the long-held resentment can still trigger your ego to keep some distance.

Your ego rises up to protect and promote you; that is its job. It thinks it’s helping you by holding onto anger or past hurts. It thinks this resentment protects you from further mistreatment, but it’s actually making things worse. When you get stuck in resentment, you are creating a relationship that is distant, passive-aggressive, divided, lonely and cold. This is not the relationship you want.

Take a minute and think about the kind of relationship you do want. If you got to design it and create any dynamics, feelings and behaviors you wanted, what would it look like? Would it be safe, full of trust and love, unselfish, giving, kind and understanding? Would it include both parties forgiving quickly and letting the other be a work in progress? How would you handle disagreements and conflict? Take the time to write down on paper what your dream relationship would look like.

Now, remember you are creating a fantasy and real-life can’t ever live up to that, but you also can’t create something better if you can’t see. So, figuring it out is the first step to creating it.

Next, what kind of behaviors would you need to adopt if you wanted to create this? How would you need to show up differently? You don’t have control over the other person, so you have to start by changing your own behavior. You may want to ask a friend, coach, or counselor to help you figure this out if you can’t see it.

Here are some suggestions for making that happen:

1. Remember life is a classroom and your romantic partner is your greatest teacher

You have attracted this person into your life to help you grow and become smarter, wiser and more loving. Their job is to push your buttons and trigger your fear issues, giving you opportunities to see them and work on them. That is why every relationship is a perfect storm of fear. Your fears create behaviors that trigger their fears, and their fears trigger behavior that triggers you even more. Around and around you can go, getting more distant, unsafe and divided.

When you see your relationship as your perfect classroom, you will see “perfect lessons for you” in every past mistreatment. Those weren’t slights; they were triggers to give you a chance to improve yourself. How did you do? Did you react badly and further damage the relationship? What could you have done differently to turn their fear-driven bad behavior around and stopped the cycle? If you focus more on your own past bad behavior and work on fixing that, you will get a lot farther than you would by holding resentment about theirs.

2. See every moment as your chance to forgive and grow

When you see your spouse’s bad behavior as your own school class, you harbor less resentment and handle situations better. You will also feel more motivated to rise to the occasion and take the high road — because the issue isn’t really about mistreatment; it’s about your growth.

I have written many articles on forgiveness for KSL.com. You should look some of them up because every really good relationship is made of two people who are good forgivers. If your relationship is full of resentment, you aren’t forgiving. You might hold onto past hurts because you think it punishes the other person or protects you from future pain, but this isn’t true. It actually creates less love and more mistreatment. Your partner feels the wall you have up, and this makes them afraid for themselves, so they put their wall up.

You will always create exactly what you fear. In focusing on protecting yourself, you are giving no love and you won’t get any back. When you set aside resentment and forgive, and start giving love (even if it’s undeserved), your partner will genuinely want to love you back.

3. Take responsibility for your fear issues

You must take responsibility for your bad behavior in the relationship. Your insecurities and fears (and the bad behavior they create) are your jobs to fix. Try to name your fear triggers when they happen. Are you feeling fear of failure and not feeling good enough? Do you feel taken from or mistreated (which is fear of loss)? Can you tell which fear your spouse is battling? When you can name them, you will also know what you and they need (validation and reassurance).

When you get triggered, instead of either shutting down or exploding, you can say, “I need you to reassure me and love me through the insecurities this has triggered in me. Could you do that?” Or ask, “What do you need right now to make you feel safer with me?” If you can learn to quiet each other’s fears, the relationship will improve fast.

Your partner probably needs you to listen, honor and respect their right to think and feel the way they do. They also need you to own your past bad behavior and apologize for it. Even if you think they behaved worse, own your part and say sorry. Being vulnerable and humble creates a safer space where they are more likely to own their bad behavior too.

If you get angry and fly off the handle (regularly) you are, again, having a fear issue and it is your job to fix it. You only get angry or offended when you fear failure or your fear of loss and feel either insulted, taken from or mistreated. If anger is an issue for you, identify the fear trigger that gets you most of the time and start practicing getting a handle on it, all by yourself. Choose to trust your value cannot be diminished by anyone or anything. If your spouse gets disappointed or frustrated with your behavior, there might be some good lessons there, but you still have the same intrinsic value as everyone else. If you see yourself and your value as unchangeable you won’t get angry as often.

Then, choose to trust the universe that you are safe all the time and can’t fail or lose anything unless it serves you to lose it as part of your perfect classroom. If you choose a perspective of fearlessness and safety, your spouse will no longer be a threat, and you won’t get angry or offended as often.

Resentment is by far one of the most dangerous emotion in your relationships. It can build walls and create disconnection that can even become permanent. Instead of worrying about the past, focus today on showing up with love and kindness, quiet your spouse’s fears with lots of validation and reassurance, show them you see their goodness more than their faults, and be quick to own and apologize when you do wrong. Nothing erases resentment faster than a sincere apology.

You can do this. 

Coach Kim Giles is a human behavior, people skills expert. She is the CEO and founder of 12 Shapes Inc and provides Team Building and People Skills Training for companies and individuals.

This was first published on KSL.com 

Question:

This is kind of a generic question, but things happen and I don’t know how to figure out the right way to respond and fast enough. I am a slow processor and struggle with immediate reactions. I also just wonder if you have a process or way to find the right response in a situation that would help me avoid bad behavior?

Answer:

I am going to share a process in this article you could use to help you find the right solution or response to any issue that may arise, though it is most useful with people problems. This is a procedure that will help you make sure you are seeing the situation, yourself and other people involved accurately — which is the most important part of good decision-making. If you are reacting without the whole story, or you have made up a story that isn’t really true, you are not going to respond appropriately.

We all have a subconscious tendency to apply “story” to events, which complicates them and creates more suffering. For example, if someone says they can’t go out with you this weekend, you might add story that they don’t really like you, you must have offended them, they like other people more than you, or you are just not enough. All of those scenarios are story. The only fact is they can’t go out. The story you tell yourself is fiction, and it is completely in your control. You could tell yourself a different story, one that might create better behavior if you wanted to.

Here is my Clarity Questions Process that will help you remove inaccurate story and choose a balanced, love-motivated response to any problem. Not every question will be relevant every time, but some of them will.

1. Is this problem really about you? Or, is it really about the other person’s fear issues and it just got projected onto you? Remember that it's hurt people who hurt people. Most of the time when they are hateful toward you, they are spewing their own self-hatred and fear of failure at you because they aren’t strong enough to own it. If this is really about them, let it go and work on being balanced, mature and loving yourself.

2. If the problem is about them, what are they afraid of? Are they afraid they aren’t good enough? Are they afraid things won’t be the way they want them to be? Are they afraid of being mistreated? Has this created fear-driven, bad behavior?

3. What are you afraid of about this situation? Is it failure or loss?

4. What do you need to feel safe right now?

5. What do they need to feel safer in the world?

6. Is there anything you can do about this? What is actually in your control? You can only be responsible for things that are in your control. If you have no control, it isn’t your responsibility or your problem. Let it go and work on being balanced, mature and loving yourself.

7. Take 100% responsibility for whatever is in your control. Don’t make excuses. Own that you behaved badly as much as possible because the more you were — or are — responsible for, the more power you have to fix things. (Ego really hates being responsible because it prefers blaming and complaining, but these actions leave you powerless to improve things.)

8. Remember you have the same infinite, absolute, unchanging worth as a human being just like everyone else. We all have the same value, so no part of this situation can diminish you (unless you choose to let it). This will make you feel safer, which will help you to respond in a less selfish manner. When you are afraid of not being good enough, you always respond whichever way will make you feel safer. You won’t be able to focus on the needs of others.

9. Remember that everything about this experience is here to serve your growth and learning. The universe is a wise teacher that knows what it’s doing, and it brought you this problem to stretch the limits of your love and help you become wiser, stronger or more loving. When you accept this situation as happening for you — not to you — you will see it accurately and respond better. Trusting that every experience is the perfect one for you takes away the fear of loss, mistreatment and feelings of being taken from. From this place, you can again respond less selfishly and think about what other people need.

10. Is the other person involved in this situation tired, hungry or incapable of mature behavior because they haven’t had the opportunity to learn a better way of handling life? What has happened in their past that could be affecting their behavior here?

11. Is there any chance that the emotion you are feeling right now is one that has shown up repeatedly throughout your life? Is there any chance you had the fear that this situation is triggering long before this experience with this person? Is it your issue and possibly a big lesson that you still haven’t learned, so it keeps showing up? What could this emotion be here to teach you to do? If you had to solve this emotion inside yourself without involving anyone else, what is the work you probably need to do?

12. What are all your possible responses to this situation? Write down every possible option — even the bad ones. Make sure you write each behavior option down with a good, loving attitude and again with a bad, fearful, defensive attitude. For example, you could speak your truth with anger and hate, or you could speak your truth from trust and love (same option two different attitudes).

13. Next to each option write down what you think the outcome of choosing that behavior would look like.

14. Cross out all the fear-driven, negative, bad behavior options and choose a love-driven, strong yet kind, respectful response that feels right to you.

If you still cannot tell which response is the right one, apply WWJD (What Would Jesus Do?). Most of the time, that is your answer. If you trust your intrinsic value is unchangeable and your journey is the perfect classroom for you, you should be able to respond in a strong and loving fashion, honoring and respecting yourself and your needs along with the other person and theirs. Practice this procedure and it will get easier and easier to see the answer clearly.

You can do this. 

Coach Kimberly Giles is a master executive coach and a popular corporate trainer doing people skills training and team building experiences with her 12 Shapes Relationship System. She is the CEO of https://www.upskillrelationships.com

This was first published on KSL.com

Question:

I read your article last week about members of some religions not being comfortable with non-member neighbors. I wish you would tell me how to tell my family and friends that I have decided to leave the religion I grew up in. I started attending another church this last year and I know my family isn’t going to be thrilled about that, so I have been hiding it. But it shouldn’t be this big a deal, right? I don’t know why I am scared to tell them, but I am. I know it’s fear, like you always say, but how do I get past it and just get them to respect my choice. Any advice that would help me?

Answer:

I have received this question a couple of times before, so it’s time to answer it. And you are right, it is a fear issue. Some people have compared the fear around this, as close to the same fear an LGBTQ+ person experiences coming out of the closet, as it brings up similar fears of rejection from friends and family. The first step is to get clear about what you are really afraid might happen when you break this news. See if any of these fears resonate with you:

• They will think less of me
• They will think I am wrong and being deceived
• They might try to change my mind instead of respecting my choice
• They will think I am going to hell and freak out
• They might be insulted because I think what they believe is wrong
• My friends might not want to be friends anymore
• My friends might lose respect for me because they think I am wrong

Now, go to each of your fears and ask yourself, “Do I really think this would happen? If this happens, what would that mean? What’s going to happen if this happens? If this happened, would it be the end of the world?” Fears are always worse in your mind than they end up being in real life. Try to be realistic and don’t make it bigger than it is.

Here are some things to think about that might help:

Some of those fears are unlikely to happen. If they are really your friends, most people don’t care which church you attend. If they do care and can’t love you where you are, they aren’t really your friends. There are also new people around every corner, and changing your friendships now and then isn’t all bad.

What others think about your choices, your intelligence, or your values doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t change anything about you. You are still you, with the same unchangeable value. Opinions are just flimsy thoughts floating through the heads of other people, they have no power to do or mean anything — unless you give them power. Don’t give them any power.

Decide that the only opinion that matters about your life is yours. No one else has to live with those choices. They may have thoughts about your choices but, in the end, they won’t think much about your life. They have bigger problems in their own lives to worry about.

When you make a decision that other people disagree with, you have two options when you interact with those people: You can approach them afraid of rejection because of this difference — and you will probably be defensive, quiet and tentative about being around them — or you could approach them the same loving way you always have. You can stay in trust that your value is the same as everyone else’s no matter what you do. You can then stay in a loving, outgoing, open state where they will feel your love, not your fear. The way you approach your friends and family will determine the way they respond to you and your news. If you are the same you, it makes it easier for them to be the same them too.

Try speaking your truth to someone in your life that you know is very loving and accepting first. Follow the procedure below to speak your truth lovingly with each person in your life:

1. Ask them if they are in a place right now where you could talk to them about something sensitive. Ask if they could hold a loving space and show up for you because you really need a friend who can. (If they are busy or distracted, wait until they have time to focus on you.)
2. Ask them, “Would you be willing to tell me what you love or appreciate about me?" Let them share. Thank them for the love and support they give you.
3. Tell them what you really love and appreciate about them.
4. Ask if they would be willing to let you share something that has happened in your life and if they would be able to love you through it, even if they don’t agree with your choice. Wait for an answer.
5. Ask them if they could not try to judge you, change your mind, or try to convince you you’re wrong. Could they just listen and support you? Could they give you that? Wait for an answer again. Asking permission questions like these are asking them to show up for you in exactly the way you need. This is a great way to create a space where you feel safer to speak.
6. Share your story and let them know this isn’t about thinking they are wrong and you are right. It’s just asking them if they can respect and honor your choice and still love you, as you are going to respect and honor their truth and love them.

Most emotionally mature people won’t reject a person they care about just because they have different beliefs. They also shouldn’t get into fear about losing you eternally and try to push you toward their belief system. But if they do get fear triggered and try to lay their fear on you in hopes of changing your mind, thank them for loving you so much. If they didn’t love you, they wouldn’t be so scared.

Reassure them that you are going to be fine and you would really appreciate it if they could trust it will work out fine in the end and focus on their love for you instead of their fear. Tell them you really want to maintain a close relationship with them and you know this can and will happen if you both focus on love instead of fear.

The funny thing about religion is there is no ultimate source of absolute truth about God or the afterlife. Even though people say they know their truth is the truth because they feel it’s truth, they can’t prove it. This means we are all choosing a belief system that feels right to us. We cannot prove we are right or that anyone else is wrong. So, we should allow each person to follow the dictates of their own heart and should not push our beliefs on them, nor should we try to make them wrong. You might remind them of this truth and ask them to set aside any fears and trust that we are each in the perfect classroom journey for us.

If you are rejected (which I highly doubt you will be), choose to see even that experience as your perfect classroom journey. It would be a great growth opportunity and a chance to focus on owning your own value and not caring what others think.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is a sought after corporate people skills trainer and is the founder of www.12shapes.com the latest social science for families and businesses. She is the author of the book Choosing Clarity on Amazon.

This was first published on KSL.com

Question:

We recently moved to Utah and love our new home, but my son is having trouble with the other children in our neighborhood. I have actually heard kids tell him they won’t or can’t play with him because he is not a member of the dominant Christian religion here. I have seen them run away when they see him coming. He is a sweet, friendly kid, so I know it’s not him. I also have felt awkward with women in the neighborhood, as they definitely treat me like an outsider. I don’t really care about their friendship, they can like me or not, but my son desperately wants to play with the kids near us. What can I do as a mother? How could I change this situation? I figure there isn’t an easy answer, but I wanted to see what you thought.

Answer:

I am glad you asked this because it's not the first time I have heard about this happening here in Utah. Many find this hard to believe though because The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints teaches tolerance, love and acceptance of others. A song they teach their children to sing in primary says, “Jesus said love everyone. Treat them kindly too.” Church leaders also encourage missionary work and fellowshipping neighbors. But sometimes fear overpowers people's ability to love. Just know, not all Latter-day Saints are like this, and most don’t want this happening in their neighborhood either.

Here are some reasons religious discrimination might happen in your neighborhood and how to eliminate it:

1. Fear is likely the problem

The reason your neighbors are behaving in a way that is inconsistent with their church's beliefs could be that they are scared. They believe their choices could have serious eternal consequences. They may fear their children will be led away from their religion by friends who have different beliefs, and to some, that would be as bad as, or worse than, losing a child to death. They may be scared of you and what you represent, and might believe being around you and your kids will make them or their kids want to leave the church.

I want you to understand it could be fear-driven so you will understand it’s not about you or your kids. It’s about feeling safe. Having said that, it doesn’t make it OK.

2. Differences scare people

It is basic human nature to feel more comfortable with people who are just like you. We all choose friends with whom we have things in common. We do this because we have a subconscious tendency to compare ourselves with others, and differences of any kind inherently mean someone is better (or right) and someone is worse (or wrong). Because of our tendency to compare, it feels safer to stick with people who are more like us, where the risk of "better or worse" isn’t in play. This may be what is motivating your neighbors.

I believe there is a divine purpose in differences in the people around us. Differences stretch us and show us the limits of our love so we can work on them. We are very loving to most people right up to that limit line where fear takes over. Differences provide opportunities to grow and become more loving. We need to fear not growing and stretching (the real reason we are here) more than we fear differences and possibly being wrong.

3. They may fear some specific things in your home

Drinking coffee and alcohol may scare your neighbors or make them uncomfortable. So, if you have coffee or alcohol in your home where kids can see it, they might be scared to allow their children in your house. You might consider keeping it somewhere that cannot be seen or accessed by children (even restaurants in Utah have to keep bar areas separate from dining areas where children eat).

Using the Lord’s name in vain or swearing in general is another thing that could create discomfort.

Being aware of these differences gives you the opportunity to change some things that will make your neighbors more comfortable. You may or may not agree with their reasoning, but the reality is making some small changes could help your children make more friends.

4. Address the kids' parents directly

Learn how to have a mutually validating conversation and create a space where you can honor their beliefs, feelings and fears, and ask them to honor your beliefs, values and needs. This means having a loving conversation where both parties feel understood and not attacked. It might be tempting to let them have it, and either get confrontational or weepy with self-pity; they probably won’t respect either.

Start by asking questions about their beliefs and whether they feel uncomfortable with non-members. If you can ask it from a place of honestly wanting to understand — not accuse or put down — they might be open to talking about it.

After you have listened to them and their views, ask if they would be open to letting you share what your son is experiencing. Don’t use phrases like “you did this" and "your kids did that;" use “we” statements like "we have experienced," "we found," "it’s our observation," etc. Then ask if they would be open to figuring out a way their kids and yours can be friends — a way that would make you both feel more comfortable. Most people are totally open to working this out. They might like to be your friends and have just felt uncomfortable talking about it. Honor and respect their beliefs while also asking them to honor yours.

5. Talk to some of your other Latter-day Saint neighbors

Let other members of the church who live in your neighborhood know what is happening and see if they might be willing to ask others to make sure your children are included.

Good people everywhere, of every religion, believe in treating others as you would want to be treated. The only thing that gets in the way is fear for our own safety and well-being. If we are afraid, our fears make us subconsciously selfish. I am sure your neighbors didn’t intend to hurt your kids; they may just be scared of differences. They just need a little reassurance that you understand them, and you should be able to improve the relationship.

You can do this. 

Coach Kim Giles is the founder and president of Claritypointcoaching.com and www.12shapes.com. She has a podcast called "Explain People" on iTunes and you can read all her articles at coachkimgiles.com

This was first published on KSL.com

Question:

I recently went through a divorce and it was really hard on my kids and myself. To make matters worse, the people, especially neighbors, who I thought were our friends have really disappeared and let us down. They act like divorce is a disease and they are staying away so they don’t catch it. My kids are finding fewer people who want to play with them, and invites to or neighbors houses aren’t coming our way anymore. What is going on with that? These people I thought were my friends, apparently are fair-weather friends and they are nowhere to be found, even though we need friends more than ever. I had heard of this happening to other people but somehow thought my neighbors were different. What can I do, besides moving, to get our friends back in our lives, especially for my kids? How do I handle this?

Answer:

“Mr. Rogers did not adequately prepare you for the people in your neighborhood, did he?”

Though it’s funny, the truth is real people and their behavior are a lot more complicated than we think. People are complicated because we are all wracked with fears about making mistakes, causing trouble, losing things, losing reputation, being uncomfortable, and being seen in a bad light; these fears produce behavior that is selfish and unloving.

Humans are typically not capable of loving behavior when they are in fear and scared about their own well-being. Love and fear are like light and darkness: they can’t both exist at the same time, in the same place. People who are scared for their own safety may have nothing to give anyone else.

It is important you understand this about human behavior because it will help you to see their pulling back from you as their issue, not yours. It is coming from their fears about themselves.

Here are some common fear issues that friends and neighbors might feel when someone they know gets divorced:

They are afraid they will say the wrong thing.

They may be uncomfortable with your situation, because they don’t and can’t know what was really happening behind your closed doors. This leaves them terribly afraid they will say the wrong thing, and unfortunately it feels safer to them to avoid conversation at all.

Their loyalty feels split because they probably like both of you.

Because they don’t really know what was happening in your marriage, they aren’t sure who the bad guy was, or if there was one. They don’t know whose side they should take (it would be nice if they didn’t take sides at all, but they often feel they should). This again leaves them feeling safer and more comfortable staying away from the whole thing.

They are afraid the same thing could happen to them.

Have you noticed if someone close to you has child or spouse die, you suddenly realize that type of tragedy really happens, and could happen to you? People are afraid the same is true with divorce. If it happened to you, it could happen to them. That reminder is scary, so again, it feels safer to stay away from it.

They might be afraid your values have changed.

Often divorce happens because someone made some mistakes, and your neighbors don’t know if something like that happened, or may wonder who was at fault. Since they don’t have that information, they aren’t sure who changed. So, it might feel safer to stay away from both of you. This is terrible to treat people like this, but most of the time it isn’t a conscious decision. They are likely just reacting this way and pulling back subconsciously.

They might think they don’t know you as well as they thought they did.

Most of the time you were pretending you were all right, and no one knew what was really going on in your home. This makes them feel they didn’t really know you, and they are suddenly not sure if the friendship was real either.

I tell you about these fears not to excuse their behavior, but because I want you to see it isn’t about you. They are uncomfortable and scared, and that is their issue not yours. Work to forgive them for being scared, struggling students in the classroom of life, who have much more to learn. Forgive them for being here, because you are also a work in progress.

Here are a few more ideas:

1. Trust yourself. Trust that this new stage of life is your perfect classroom and you are right where you are supposed to be, experiencing the perfect lessons you need right now. This means you should not resist the reality of losing some friendships; they might not be the friends you need anymore. If this is true, you will be guided toward new friends that are actually better for you.
2. Visit your friends. Look for opportunities to stop by and visit the neighbors you still feel drawn to. Maybe bring cookies and ask questions about how they are, thank them for being a great neighbor or friend, (even though they haven’t been lately); this may motivate them to be more friendly in the future. Then address the elephant in the room. Let them know you realize it’s uncomfortable for everyone when people get divorced and it’s often hard to know what to say. Tell them you get that, but you and your kids need friends more than ever right now. Tell them you would be so grateful if they would treat you just like they always did and not let the divorce change that. Tell them you promise not to get offended if they say the wrong thing, because you get it is hard. Addressing the issue head-on and asking them to show up for you makes it feel safer for them to do so. If it works for you, let them know they don’t have to choose sides and give them permission to be friends with both of you.
3. Make new friends. Get out there and make some new friends. Chances are there are other people in the neighborhood who also feel like outsiders. They could be great new friends. Organize a neighborhood party and invite every house of people you don’t know yet. Let them know this is for everyone and you’d love to meet them.

It is common for your friends list to change a bit after a divorce. You truly might not fit in with the same types of people you did before. Instead of resisting this, trust you will be guided to great new friends who will be better supporters for you during this stage of your life.

You can do this. 

This was first published on KSL.com

Question:

I am very frustrated with my mother and some of her answers to things. I find that she lies or tells me things she doesn’t mean all the time. I just want her to tell the truth, even if it’s not what I would like. I think she tells me what she thinks the right answer is, instead. Like when I ask if she is going to go to something, she says no probably not, then she ends up going. Or she says she will talk to my sister about something and then she doesn’t. I have asked her repeatedly to just be honest, but this keeps happening. How can I get her to be honest?

Answer:

This might be happening because she doesn't feel safe enough with you to tell you the truth. Before I explain how to make her feel safer, I want you to understand some things about human beings. I believe, there are only two types of people on this planet:

1. Fear-of-failure dominant people

2. Fear-of-loss dominant people

All fear-of-failure dominant people are severely challenged at speaking their truth, they avoid confrontation, shy away from conflict, and prefer to keep everything and everyone peaceful, no matter the cost. Because of these tendencies, they are often doormats and their tendency to people please can cause a lot of relationship problems.

All fear-of-loss dominant people are very good at speaking their truth, they usually win in confrontation or conflict, and they don’t mind a good argument. Because of these tendencies, they scare the crap out of group one.

From your email, I am fairly confident you are the latter group and it might be hard for you to even imagine why speaking the truth is so hard. It’s always difficult to understand people who are vastly different from us. But fear of failure dominant have a strong subconscious program that says, “It is safer not to speak up.”

Here are two reasons some people lie:

1. They might want to avoid responsibility, trouble or punishment.

2. They don’t feel safe enough to tell you the truth because they are afraid of your reaction.

It sounds to me like your mother is a fear-of-failure dominant person who is terribly afraid to speak her truth to you about some of these issues. This might be because you have had a tendency in the past to react badly, react selfishly, question her motives, argue with her decisions, and otherwise dishonor her right to be where she is and want what she wants.

It is not your job to fix your mother's problems with fear, people-pleasing and lying. But you could do some things to improve the relationship and start making her feel safer with you.

You can do that by doing the following things. (These suggestions would also apply to any relationship where you want the other person to feel safe with you.)

1. Create a space where they can say "no"— and respect and honor that answer. This means letting them know that you can handle a "no" without being disrespectful, passive-aggressive, angry or punishing them. Say something like, “It is OK if you can’t, I would totally understand and I will still love you if you say no.”
2. Create a safe space for them to share their opinion. Again, let them know you really want to understand how they genuinely think and you promise not to disagree, tell them they are wrong or think less of them. If you do disagree, you are at least going to honor and respect their right to their opinion and would never assume you are better, smarter or more right than they are. These are just opinions.
3. If they say they will do something and then don’t, don’t get mad — get curious. Ask them if they would be willing to share what scared them about doing that thing. I promise there is a fear reason. Find out the fear reason and honor and respect their right to be where they are and be afraid of that. Don’t try to fix them. Just ask if they would be willing to talk about a way to do that thing that might not be as scary.
4. Do not talk down to them because they have insecurities you don’t have. Don’t see their fear as weakness or see them as less than you. If you do, they will feel this and not trust you. Instead, honor the fact that while you don’t have this problem, you have plenty of others.
5. Let them have the option of staying silent. They do have the right to keep some things private and not offend you. If they reserve the right to be silent, it's because their words shouldn't be used against them. Criminals have this right; your loved ones should too. Having some things you don’t want to share with others is perfectly fine. Let the other person know that you are here if and when they want to talk, and will provide a safe place with honor and respect if they ever want to share.
6. Let them have the right to do some things without you. I wonder if your mother lies about where she is going because too often you invite yourself to come with her. Give her a safe place to say, "I want to do this on my own," and don’t take that personally. Everyone has a right to feel this way.
7. Be prepared to stay firmly in trust about your value. Look at this experience as your perfect classroom so you don’t get triggered in your own fear issues. Understand this is really not about you; it’s about the other person and what they need right now. Be strong enough to stay calm, loving and respectful no matter what they say. Be prepared to ask questions, listen and not make it about you. (This one is hard and takes practice, but if you can’t handle the truth they won’t give it to you. Decide what you want.)

If you try these suggestions and the person is still lying, there might be more serious problems in play, or they might not believe you can really give them a safe place. They may need a sincere apology from you for all the times you didn’t listen, honor or respect how they felt. Let them know you are sorry and ask for the chance to prove you can do it.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder of 12 Shapes Inc. and the host of a podcast Explain People on iTunes. She is a sought after coach, speaker and corporate people skills trainer.

This was first published on KSL.com

Question:

I love the way you make understanding people’s behavior simple, because there is a lot of behavior I cannot understand. I have a relative who is such a control freak she can’t even come to a family gathering unless it’s going to be her way. She bosses everyone else around and tells you exactly what she thinks about everything, even your life and family. She has no filter and no qualms about speaking her truth, and it honestly drives me nuts. How can we get her to stop being so controlling and obnoxious? How do I deal with such a control freak when her behavior is making me crazy?

Answer:

I have explained before that we all — every person on the planet — battles a fear of failure (insecurity about our value) and a fear of loss (insecure or unsafe in the world) to some degree every day. We all have both fears, but we are all a little more dominant in one or the other.

The control freak you are describing is a fear-of-loss dominant person. I know this by her bad behavior. People who feel unsafe in the world need control to make them feel safer. They also tend to be opinionated and feel the need to share their opinions because this also makes them feel safer. In her mind, all of this controlling, opinionated behavior is actually an attempt to be helpful. She means no harm and is trying to create an environment that would be best for everyone. She is trying to help, but I understand why it doesn’t feel that way.

When a fear-of-loss dominant control freak gives unsolicited advice, suggestions, or correction to a fear-of-failure dominant person, it comes across as criticism, insult and control. Fear-of-failure dominant people get very triggered by those things because they add to their already debilitating fear of not being good enough. We (I am a fear-of-failure dominant person, too) often feel attacked, insulted and controlled when these people try to help us. This can feel very annoying.

The trick is understanding this isn’t about you at all. They aren’t seeing you as less valuable or wrong at all. They are controlling because they don’t trust people, the world or life to keep them safe. They think they are only safe if they control it all.

You might try allowing them control as much as possible with things you don’t care about, and then set loving boundaries on the things you do care about. You could also decide to let them be annoying and controlling and just not let it bother you. Stop being annoyed and just be at peace with what is, allowing them to be who they are until it crosses a boundary you can’t live with.

When a control freak is crossing your boundaries or making you feel disrespected or controlled, here is a good procedure for confronting the issue:

1. Find a private opportunity to talk to them

Don't embarrass them in front of anyone else. Ask if they have a few minutes and are free to chat.

2. Ask them about the situation that bothered you

Ask what they thought and felt about it. Give them a chance to express all their ideas and opinions first. If you don’t do this, they will have trouble listening to you. Letting them have the floor first and asking lots of questions will make them feel valued and cared about. They will begin to feel safer with you, which lays a great foundation for a difficult conversation.

After you have spent some time listening and honoring their right to think and feel the way they do, you should ask some permission questions to create a safe space for you to speak your truth.

3. Ask permission questions

Examples of permission questions are:

• Would you be willing to let me share with you some of my thoughts and feelings about that situation?
• Would you be open to giving me a full 5 minutes to explain my feelings and not interrupt or stop me until I am done?
• Do you know that I love and care about you and only want us to have a good relationship?

4. Honor their answer

If they say no they aren’t able to give you that, say “OK, I respect that” and walk away. This shouldn’t happen because you earned this reciprocation by listening to them. If they say yes and are ready to listen, use the following rules to make sure you handle this right.

5. Use “I” statements

It's important to use "I" statements and make sure to only talk about your own perspective, feelings, ideas, concerns, observations, opinions and thoughts. When you talk about your feelings, opinions and experiences, no one can really argue with you. You have the right to see the world the way you see it and feel what you feel. But if you start using “you” statements, it starts to feel like an attack and makes the other person feel defensive.

Try statements like:

• “When we have these family parties I get a little anxious about expressing what I want to do. I feel like my needs aren’t taken into consideration, and I often feel a little bit controlled or criticized for my ideas. I know these are my issues and I am working on them, but I just wondered, moving forward, if you would be willing to let me be in charge of this part or make sure my ideas are also taken into account?
• "Would you be willing to include me in the plans next time this happens?”
• “Would you be willing to be careful of the ways your behavior might make me or others feel controlled and bossed around?”

6. Focus more on future behavior than on past behavior

If you keep talking about how they behaved in the past, they are just going to get defensive and frustrated because they cannot change or fix the past. If you focus only on their future behavior, this is something they can control. Ask them next time this happens, if they would be willing to handle it differently. I demonstrated this in the example above.

Practice in your head a few times before you have the conversation in real life. Practice to find the perfect permission question and the perfect things you will ask for moving forward.

If this person does get offended by your feedback, that is not your problem. Your job is to speak your truth in the most loving and respectful way you can. How they process the information is none of your business. If they get offended and choose to be mean back, remember nothing this person says or does affects your value and however it goes, it will be the perfect classroom for all involved.

Fear-of-loss dominant people can be scary to talk to because they are fearless, strong, opinionated and often aggressive. For a fear-of-failure dominant person who is already scared of being insulted, wrong or judged, this is really scary. But you can be bulletproof and strong if you trust in your infinite value and perfect journey.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder of the 12 Shapes Relationship System - get the app today, take the quiz, invite friends and learn about your fears and your shape at - app.12shapes.com

This was first published on KSL.com

Question:

We have friends in our neighborhood who recently told us they had left the church we both belonged to. We have always had much in common — kids the same ages, and similar beliefs — so this feels really awkward. We still love them and respect them choosing what is right for them, but it’s like there is a huge elephant in the room when we are together. It feels awkward, so I admit we haven’t reached out to do things with them as much. This is bothering me because I assume they think we don’t want to be friends with them anymore because of their choice. That is really not the case, but I don’t know how to interact with such a huge elephant in the room. There are so many topics that feel off limits now, I feel like we can’t talk about what is going on in our lives, since so much is ward or church related. I also know they drink alcohol now, and since we don’t that also makes socializing awkward. How do we continue a friendship, regardless of this change? Do you have any advice for this situation?

Answer:

I am sure it is awkward for them too, because all differences create fear and discomfort. This happens because we are subconsciously programmed to see the world always in comparison, in terms of better or worse. We compare every single thing in our lives — people, houses, jobs, teams, races, religions, sodas, etc. The problem comes because comparison assumes that if two things are different, one must be better or more right and the other less or more wrong. Because of this, any difference make us feel unsafe.

As human beings, we have a hard time letting different be just different, with no inherent value, or "better" or "worse" attached to it. The trick in your situation, or any situation where you discover differences, is to remind yourself there is nothing to fear; there is no better or worse, there is only different. Seeing the situation this way means you will show up with more love than fear.

Addressing fear

Think about what you are really afraid of if you socialize with them:

• Are you afraid talking about the church at all will bother them (because it might look like you believe your way is best)?
• Are you afraid they will judge you for staying in the church, or are you afraid they will think you are judging them for leaving?
• Are you afraid, on any level, that hanging out with diverse groups of people might push you in that same direction?
• Are you afraid of any faith-related topics coming up and making everyone uncomfortable?

All of these fears do one thing: They interfere with your ability to be genuine, real and unconditionally loving. You cannot access your ability to love if you are in fear. Both can’t exist at the same time in the same place. So, as long as you are caught up in fear, this is going to feel awkward.

I recommend you work on the three things described below to help eliminate the fear, then call your friends up and invite them to do something with your family and show up exactly the same as you always have. There is nothing to fear from differences.

Here are three ways to lessen the fear:

1. Trust that nothing anyone does can make them less valuable than anyone else. Your choices don’t give you more value than other people, and don’t diminish your choice either. We all have the same amount of intrinsic value all the time. Trusting this as truth means you have to give up comparison and judgment. You have to let all humans (no matter their differences) have the same worth. The more you practice giving this to others, the better your own self-worth will become. You will also have less fear in any social situation because nothing can change your value.
2. Trust that each human soul gets a totally unique classroom journey here. You can never judge how anyone else is doing in their perfect "classroom" of life because they are in a totally different class than you are. You will never know why their path went a different direction than yours, and you aren’t even entitled to understand it because it’s not your journey. What you must do is honor and respect their right to be where they are. For some reason, it is the right journey for them. It’s not any of your business why. When you can trust the universe knows what it’s doing, you will feel safer in every situation in your life. You will also let everyone else be safe in their perfect classroom journey, and you won’t feel unsafe, uncomfortable or stressed around them.
3. Your perfect classrooms have crossed paths for a reason: growth for all involved. Growth and learning are why we are on the planet, and this means every person you meet is here to teach you something. The reason there is such diversity on this planet is that differences make us stretch the limits of our love. It’s easy to love people who are just like you. Growth happens when you are forced to stretch and learn to love people who you don’t understand. Instead of pulling away from these friends because it feels safer, lean into the discomfort as a chance to grow and learn. These people and their differences are in your life to teach you something beautiful. Embrace them, and the lessons, without fear.

The 'elephant'

You might want to talk about the elephant in the room up front. Tell them you love their family, and what church they go to, or what they believe, makes no difference to you. Tell them you would love to get together just like you always have, but you have concerns about saying the wrong thing, mentioning your church or accidentally offending them.

Ask what they would feel most comfortable with. Talk about whether you are comfortable with drinking or not. Should you make a rule to leave the religion and church topic out (there are plenty of other things to talk about)?

Tell them there is no judgment from you, whatsoever, because everyone gets to choose their own path and truth. Tell them you respect the amount of courage it must have taken to be true to their beliefs. Ask for forgiveness up front, if you accidentally say something about the church. They are probably equally anxious about hanging out with your family because they fear judgment.

Addressing this right up front takes the elephant out of the room. Then relax and just be normal.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is a marriage, family and relationship coach. She is the founder of www.claritypointcoaching.com and www.12shapes.com She is an entertaining speaker and certifies people interested in being life or executive coaches.

This was first published on KSL.com
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Question:

My spouse and I argue about the same things again and again. It is like we are always having the same fight; we just take breaks of agreeing to disagree in between rounds. We have been to marriage therapy and have learned communication skills, but here we are in the same boat. Can you give us anything different to try?

Answer:

Many people experience a fight that’s always the same issue again and again. This happens when both of you have dug into your position and keep defending it, and neither of you is open to learning, understanding or changing because that would feel like losing the argument. In an argument, your egos are only interested in protecting, promoting and winning for your side. Ego also wants to be right and have the other person be wrong.

The truth is, until you learn to set ego aside, stop defending yourself and communicate with the purpose of understanding the other person and their perspective, learning something new, or creating new solutions you haven’t thought of before, you are going to be stuck here.

Here are some ways to become more open, more creative and more productive when you argue:

1. Know your value isn't in question

Remember this argument is just a perfect classroom experience and your value isn’t in question, so there is nothing to fear. When you choose to see the fight from the perspective that you are safe and have nothing to fear because your value can’t change and your journey is perfect no matter what happens, you won’t get so defensive. In this place you can actually focus on giving love, understanding and validation to the other person because you don’t need anything. This requires practice.

2. Listen to learn

Instead of trying to win, try to understand and learn something you didn’t know before. When ego takes over you only care about being right, being better or getting your way. You are basically selfish and defensive. Instead, try this: Thank your ego for trying to protect you, but tell it you are going to try something new and see if you can learn something about the other person you never knew before.

This will require asking lots of questions, without any agenda other than understanding. If you are sincere about this intention the other person will feel that, and they might actually feel safe enough to really talk to you. Make a commitment to listen for more than just planning what you will say next. Listen with the intention of learning and you will be amazed at how much you didn't know about the other person.

3. Fight as a team

Instead of fighting against each other, make it the two of you — on the same side, as a team — against the problem. Stop trying to convince the other person you are right and pull them to your side. Instead, ask them if the two of you, together, could try to find a new solution.

Get out some paper and brainstorm solutions to this problem. Allow yourselves to bring humor in and get creative. Get online and look for solutions others have recommended. Write down places you could go for help. Don’t stop until you have thought of 50 crazy, creative, new ideas — with none of them being the places you started from.

4. Identify your core fear

In my experience, it’s either fear of failure (not being good enough) or fear of loss (feeling threatened or unsafe in the world). If either you or your partner is fear-of-failure dominant, meaning there is a subconscious tendency toward people-pleasing and insecurity, that person will need a lot of validation around their worth, their performance and their thinking.

If you give a fear-of-failure dominant person a lot of positive feedback, they will feel safer and will be better able to communicate in a productive way. If they feel insulted, criticized or judged, they won’t feel safe with you and will probably stay very defensive.

If either of you is fear-of-loss dominant, meaning you have a subconscious tendency toward feeling mistreated and taken from, that person needs control, reassurance and help making things right, done or clean to feel safe in the world. If you can give a fear-of-loss dominant person these things, they will be better able to communicate in a productive way. This can be a game changer when you get it.

5. Cure the core fear

Become the cure to your partner's core fear every day. If you make sure they feel safe in the world every day — by constantly giving them the kind of validation, praise, help or control they need — they will feel safer with you, which means less defensive and less on edge. It will also mean when you argue, it likely won’t be as tense, scary or mean. If you do this right, your partner will be more likely to support you, too.

6. Learn their values

Figure out what your partner values most. Do they value:

• people, connection, relationship and time with people most?
• tasks, performance and getting things done most?
• things, property, money, art or inventing most?
• ideas, principles, education and knowledge most?

Each of us leans a little more toward one of these value systems, and when you know yours and your partner's, you will understand what motivates them and what fills them up. This could help you understand why your spouse needs the house clean and perfect and gets so irritated when it's not, or why they have such a strong need to be right about their views. Understanding that your value systems are different, but equal (meaning no system is better, they are just different) means you can honor the way they are wired and they can honor you.

The reason couples have the same fight over and over, is because that one issue is the one that triggers both of your core fears. When your core fears get triggered your very worst behavior comes out, and that usually perfectly triggers even more of your partner's fear. It quickly becomes a vicious cycle.

The couples I work with find the solution is very simple: Become the cure, not the cause, of their fear. Learn how to make them feel safe with you and you can talk through anything.

I also recommend a time-out rule that works like this: If either of you feels they are getting triggered and ego is showing up, you can call time out. You both agree to stop, not say another word, and walk away until you can get balanced and in trust and love again. Then you can continue the discussion. Give that a try.

You can do this.