Helping children overcome fear

Question:

My child is scared of almost everything. I think he is more worried about safety than a 9-year-old should be. (He is not excited about Halloween at all.) How can I help him overcome these fears and have more fun?

Answer:

Halloween is a great time to talk to children about scary things and dealing with fear. Here are a couple suggestions:

1. Never make fun or dismiss your child's fears as stupid. Making comments like, “Don’t be such a baby,” or laughing at children for being afraid can cause long-term damage to their self-esteem. Make sure your child knows that everyone experiences fear and it’s a perfectly normal experience. Make sure your child feels safe coming to you to discuss his fears.
2. Listen more than you talk. Parents must learn to be great question askers and great listeners. When possible, ask questions that will guide your child to figure out the truth about his fears on his own. This creates confidence and builds self-esteem, while also making your child feel important.
3. Help your child recognize the difference between fears that help us and fears that hurt us. Fears that help usmotivate us to be smart and take action. Fears that hurt us paralyze us and prompt inaction. Being afraid of (and staying away from) strangers is a helpful fear because it prompts you to be careful. Being afraid to talk to anyone or meet new people is a hurtful fear. It prompts inaction and prevents you from making friends. Any fear that holds you back from life or from being you is a fear you want to overcome. Help your child to see the difference and empower them to take action in every situation.
4. Lay a solid foundation of trust by teaching your child that his world is a safe place. It is in childhood that many of our subconscious beliefs are developed. It is crucial that you teach children to see their world as a safe place now. If they see life as a dangerous place, fear will haunt them for the rest of their lives.

Help your child to see life as a classroom (a safe place to learn and grow) instead of a testing center (a place where their value and safety is on the line.) Help him understand that although bad things can happen, every experience is a lesson, and is in his life to help him grow.

Help your child understand that life is not trying to beat us or hurt us; it is facilitating experiences to help us grow and become better and stronger. (Life is on your side!) Even though bad things do happen on occasion, we are not alone and in the end we will be OK.

This mindset will lay a solid foundation of strength and help your child handle life with confidence.

(You may need to change your own beliefs about life first. Remember, children learn more from who you are and how you live than what you say. You must learn to see life as a safe experience and overcome your own fears before you can teach them, because you can't fake trust. If life feels threatening and unsafe to you, you may want to seek some professional help yourself.)

5. Discuss ways to see a situation accurately (because fear can skew the truth). Teach your child how to process a situation accurately and recognize what’s real and what’s not. Halloween is a great time to work on this one. Help him to see that most of the time the things we are afraid of aren't real, don’t happen, or aren’t as bad as we thought they were.

Fear exaggerates things and makes them seem worse than they really are. Teach your child how to step back from a fear and get to the truth about it. You can even role play some scary situations and help your child identify what's real.

6. Teach your child relaxation and self-calming skills. We all need to learn ways to calm ourselves down when we are stressed or scared. Teach your child how to use slow breathing, visualization or prayer to let go of fear.

8. If your child's fear is still keeping him from enjoying life, seek out some professional help. 

Hope this helps make Halloween more fun! 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem.