Coach Kim: Your most important goal in 2020

This was first published on KSL.com

For the last eight years, I have given you a new year’s resolution that, in my opinion, would make the greatest positive impact on your life in the upcoming year. (You can read the past 8 years articles here.)

This year being 2020, and the beginning of a new decade, I think it’s a great time for starting fresh and making a change. The goal I recommend you consider this year is to get some professional help to take stock of your subconscious beliefs and learn how to change the beliefs that aren’t serving you.

This will require professional help because it is difficult to see your subconscious patterns and change them on your own. I highly recommend you find a counselor or coach who is trained to do this kind of work. The truth is, you cannot work on yourself alone at the same level you can with someone to help you. It is much easier to see the negative patterns in other people’s behavior than it is to see your own.

A caring, well-trained coach or counselor can give you new tools and skills that will make you more emotionally intelligent and balanced. He or she can help you understand how your programs of fear are driving your behavior and help you change them on a subconscious level.

Trust me: A coach or counselor who can guide you through this process will help you become stronger, wiser and more loving than you ever thought you could be. That is the greatest gift you can give yourself and those you love this year.

Damaging beliefs

To get you started, here is a list of the most common and damaging beliefs that might be causing havoc in your life:

• I should be afraid of what others think of me.
• I am not good enough.
• I am not safe.
• I have to be perfect or they won’t love me.
• I am not loved or lovable.
• This is all I deserve.
• I need control to be safe.
• It’s safer to stay quiet and not speak up.
• I must sacrifice my needs because others’ needs are more important.
• I always disappoint others.
• If they knew the real me, they wouldn’t love me.
• Asking for or getting help is a sign of weakness.
• I should be ashamed of myself.
• If I don’t take care of myself, who will?
• Don’t put anyone else out.
• If they don’t like me, I have no value.
• I will always be in debt.
• People like me always struggle financially
• People always leave me.
• People always take from me or mistreat me, so I have to stay on guard all the time.
• This is as good as it gets.
• I must defend myself all the time.
• Staying mad at people protects me from mistreatment.
• No one cares about me.

Remember, these are not facts; they are just beliefs. That means you can change them anytime you want to. Sit with each of them a minute and make a note of the beliefs you might have in play.

These beliefs become the lens through which we see ourselves and our world. They filter all our experiences and determine how we feel about ourselves and life. They also drive our behavior — especially negative, unbalanced behavior. These beliefs stop us from being the person we want to be.

Changing your beliefs

Most of these beliefs play out on a subconscious level, though, so you may not be aware of how much they drive your life. But you can become aware, and that is the first step to changing them.

Here is an exercise to help you change some beliefs:

1. Take each belief you think you have and journal about the pros and cons of the belief. Ponder what that belief has given you and why your ego mind thinks it’s a good belief. Usually, you hold onto false beliefs because they make you careful or protect you at some level, but they always come with a cost.
2. Write down the costs in having that belief, and then write a new belief that would serve you better. It is important that you do this on paper, as it will make the process more concrete and help you to internalize and commit to the new belief. You might want to get a small journal and write your beliefs there, creating a new policies and procedures booklet for your life and behavior.
3. Read your new beliefs daily. Every time you behave badly, get offended, lash out, react in anger, or find yourself procrastinating, read through that list of beliefs and see if one of them is in play at that moment.

Fears that you aren’t good enough or aren’t safe are the most common beliefs behind bad behavior. Agin, find a professional who can specifically help you change those two beliefs. If you can start feeling safer in the world and better about yourself, it will be a gamechanger that will shift all your relationships for the better.

When you feel safe, you have a full bucket and something to give the people in your life. When you feel unsafe, your entire focus will be on you and finding safety, and you won’t have anything to give.

If your relationships are struggling, your self-esteem is low, you are going through some big life changes, or you are feeling depressed or anxious, care about yourself enough to get some help. Don't spend another day stuck here. There are answers to your questions and changes you can make that will quickly change how you feel and behave. Don't wait and live in fear any longer.

You can do this.