Coach Kim: The self-esteem test

This was first published on KSL.com

Question:

A coaching client recently asked me, “What does it really mean to have high self-esteem or low self-esteem? When is high self-esteem arrogance? And how do you have high or good self-esteem but make sure you aren’t arrogant?”

Answer:

Self-esteem has been defined as how you generally feel about yourself and your value as a human being. In my opinion, it goes deeper than that. Your self-esteem also shows how emotionally healthy, mature and self-actualized you are.

Are you growing and thriving, or stuck and floundering? People with low self-esteem tend to function in fear and are more ego-driven, while people with high self-esteem tend to function from fearlessness and are love-driven.

Arrogance is an ego-driven judgment that sees some people as less valuable, good, or worthy than other people. I find arrogance to show up more often in people with low self-esteem. That may come as a surprise, but as I explain what low self-esteem is, you will see that only people who doubt their worth need to see others as less than themselves.

People with high self-esteem have less fear of failure and, generally, feel safer in the world. One of the hallmarks of high self-esteem is the ability to acknowledge your flaws and faults, and then take on the work to improve them. You can only do this if you have a solid sense of intrinsic worth that doesn’t change.

After almost 20 years in personal development, I have found only one thing that raises a person’s self-esteem: seeing their intrinsic value as a person (and the value of all human beings) as unchangeable, infinite and absolute.

Below, are my observations of common characteristics found in people with low, medium and high self-esteem. See if you can tell where you function most of the time.

People with low self-esteem:

• Are incapable of acknowledging their faults (often because it’s too painful)
• Are stuck in the past and always rehashing a victim story
• Always feel less than others or better than others (yes, either way)
• Either lack motivation or are trying too hard
• Avoid challenges or doing things they might be bad at
• Can’t handle criticism
• Are easily offended or irritated and will tell you when they are
• Have to share their opinions and give unsolicited advice
• Find relationships are hard and don’t last
• Don’t play if they can’t win
• Demand what they want and need, then are angry if they don't get it
• Complain, gossip, lie, focus on the negative most of the time, and are hard to please
• Have a never-ending need for "something else" (that will make them happy)
• Can bully others with sarcasm and put others down
• Compare themselves with others, and find themselves either always better or terribly worse (may flip-flop between arrogance and a victim story)
• Are perfectionistic and take failures hard
• Let ego drive, and focus mostly on promoting and protecting themselves
• Either must lead and be the boss, or will stay in the background because that feels safer

People with medium self-esteem:

• Feel comfortable communicating with most people
• Can work on improving themselves, get help, and admit when they need to do better
• Can enforce some boundaries
• Can handle taking some risks or being bad at something while they learn it
• Find criticism hurts but can process through it
• May not speak up when offended or hurt
• May not ask for what they want or need because it’s safer not to
• Often won’t share an opinion because it’s safer not to
• Are people pleasers and still need validation and approval from others
• Doubt their decisions and would rather get advice and follow others
• Struggle to say no
• Struggle with asking for what they want and need
• Doubt their abilities and worry about not being good enough
• Compare themselves with others and often feel inferior
• Need validation and approval, may be attention-seeking at times
• Procrastinate because of the fear of failure
• Accept what they get too willingly

People with high self-esteem:

• Can look at negative parts of themselves and work on fixing them
• Can have mutually validating, loving and strong conversations with anyone
• Can listen to others without the need to speak
• Are good at having boundaries
• Feel generally safe in the world
• Can handle criticism and work on improving themselves
• Don’t need to share their stories or opinions and can let others talk instead
• Find respectful, loving relationships are easy
• Can solve problems and focus on solutions, not complaining
• Appreciate other people and are grateful
• Accept people as they are and only work on changing themselves
• Know they can learn anything if they work at it
• Find failures don’t change their sense of value and see such failures as part of getting to success
• Have stopped trying to please others and just do what’s right for themselves
• Are an open book and able to be vulnerable and authentic
• Are hard workers and take on challenges
• Don’t need to gossip or put others down
• Make the best of any situation
• Know they aren’t perfect but a work in progress, and that is good enough

Of course, no one has perfect high self-esteem, because being teachable, authentic, flawed and still learning is part of having high self-esteem. This means what we are really shooting for when we say "high self-esteem" is a peaceful acceptance of our imperfectness.

I find that when people have low self-esteem and are always scared they aren’t good enough, their ego steps in to compensate for that with all kinds of immature, self-absorbed, needy, attention-seeking behaviors. If this is you, thank your ego for trying to protect you but let it know it’s services are no longer needed.

Remember, your value can’t change and you are safe. No matter how you perform or look today, you still have the same value as everyone else. The more you practice this and choose it as your belief or rule on human value, the higher your self-esteem will go — but you won't be arrogant because you'll see everyone else as the same as you. This is the beginning of real self-worth.

You can do this. 

Coach Kim Giles is a popular local executive coach and corporate people skills trainer. She is the CEO and founder of www.claritypointcoaching and www.12shapes.com