This was first published on KSL.com

I read in Psychology Today recently that 70% of the most common conflicts in any relationship (even good relationships) are perennial conflicts, which means they are conflicts that never get resolved and happen over and over again.

These conflicts are usually based on character and behavior differences between the two people that irritate the other person. Most of these differences are in a person's subconscious programming and innate wiring, and most are not going to change. I am talking about things like being late all the time or not being organized.

If you want to have a rich and healthy relationship you are going to have to accept some of these things about your partner and quit trying to fundamentally change them. You are going to have to choose to love who they are.

That doesn't mean you can't bring up behaviors that bother you; but if you decide to do that, you better take stock of your own faults, flaws and quirks first. You must decide to forgive your spouse some of their flaws and quirks because you want some of yours forgiven too. You must be more accepting and less critical, let small irritating things go, and try to laugh at the funny ways you are wired differently.

Note: This article does not address relationships where abuse is happening. It is directed to those who have run of the mill conflicts, arguments, offenses and irritations with their partner, but there is no emotional, mental or physical abuse happening. If abuse, infidelity, dishonesty, cruelty, or other problems are in play, acceptance is not the answer and you should seek a mental health professional.

Here are some things you can do to become more accepting of your partner and reduce the perennial conflicts.

1. Accept that your partner is not going to behave or function in the world the same way you do. They had a different upbringing and different life experiences. They have different perspectives and are wired differently than you are. Expecting them to think and behave as you do is unrealistic.
2. Understand your way of behaving is not the right way and theirs is not the wrong way; they are just different ways. Your way might be better in your opinion, but that is just an opinion. Everyone is entitled to see the world the way they see it. You will not have a healthy relationship if you make your partner "wrong" every time they behave differently from you. You must give them room to be themselves or you don't really love them.
3. Accept that you cannot change or "fix" your partner. No amount of begging or pleading or threatening can make another person change. So, if your focus is on changing them (more than accepting them), you are going to have problems.
4. Accept that your partner may not share the same value system you do. Chances are good that you value different things. Do you highly value being social, getting tasks done, looking good, or appreciating ideas and principles most? Which does your partner value or focus on most? One is not better than another; we are just wired to focus on one most. If you are a principle person and married to a social person, this difference can create lots of challenges. But if you are committed to allowing your partner to be different, and even celebrate the differences, you can make it work.
5. The more you try to change your partner, the more they will dig in and defend their right to be as they are. Accepting them fully as they are actually leaves your partner room to decide to improve themselves on their own. They might change because they love you and want to give to you, but you only if you don't try to change them. I know this seems counter-intuitive, but it's still true. Encouragement is a better motivator than disappointment.
6. Don't be disappointed in your partner. If they feel you are disappointed in them, they will be less motivated to try to please you. In fact, your partner will more likely get resentful or passive-aggressive. Accept that they are not perfect, and neither are you. You are both going to disappoint each other on occasion, so think about how you want them to treat you on those days. Show up with love and acceptance and reassure them that they don't have to be perfect to be worthy of your love.
7. Make a list of your faults, flaws, character deficits, and quirky behaviors. Ask your partner to do the same. Sit together and talk about the flaws that are probably never going to change and will require understanding and working around. If your partner is always late, how can you deal with that and work around it? If they are forgetful, how can you allow that without getting mad every time it happens. You will be willing to forgive them some flaws so they will do the same for you.
8. Understand your different love languages. Your partner doesn't give or experience love and security the same way you do. The things that make you feel loved may do nothing for them. You must take the time to learn what makes them feel safe and loved, and make sure you are giving that to them daily. They must do the same for you.
9. Never play the victim. Never blame your spouse as the cause of the problem. Every problem is a two-way street. They might do this irritating thing, but you might also be too sensitive to that thing. You both must stay responsible for what you could do better, and be quick to offer lots of sincere apologies for any little part you play. Apologizing more and blaming less is key.
10. Remember that the qualities you like in your partner and the qualities you don't like are usually inextricably linked. Every good quality has a shadow-side negative. A person who is disciplined and organized is also picky and hard to please. A person who is always late is also easy going and low key. Try to find the benefits that go with the qualities that bother you and remember you don't get one without the other.
11. Understand most annoying qualities or flaws aren't that big a deal in the grand scheme of things. How much will this conflict matter in 10 years? Is there any chance you are making a mountain out of a molehill? Would it be more mature to let this one go? Are there more important strengths and good qualities your partner does have? Could you focus on those?
12. Consider if your partner's flaws are triggering a long-buried issue that really belongs to you. For some irritations, if you didn't already have a sore spot in that area from your past your partner's problem wouldn't bother you. Is there any chance you have fears, triggers or issues — even from your childhood — that are making your partner's fault bigger than it has to be, or adding meaning that isn't really there? This is a good question to ask whenever you get triggered by anything. Take responsibility for your side of every annoyance and be willing to do some work on you.

Perhaps the most important thing to remember is don't give up. Bumps in the road are inevitable, but most can be resolved through increasing your understanding and acceptance of the person you love and yourself. A healthy relationship also requires lots of forgiveness and room for both of you to be imperfect.

You can do this.

This was first published on KSL.com

Question:

My spouse and I keep getting in these fights where she does something like ignores me when I am trying to talk to her, and this offends me and I get angry and slam a door, which really offends her and makes her feel attacked, which starts a big fight that lasts all week. The fight morphs and quickly becomes about who treats who worse. And in this drawn out fight, no one wins. After days of being mad and miserable we will start to move past it, but only until one of us offends the other again. What can we do to break this cycle of offending each other?

Answer:

The root cause of these fights is you both functioning in a fear state where you feel unsafe with each other, and this is making you wear what I call "mistreatment glasses." Mistreatment glasses means you are subconsciously looking for mistreatment and offenses that will prove that you aren't safe with your partner and that they are the "bad one." Whatever you are looking for you will find. If you are looking for mistreatment, you will find it. If you are looking for proof your partner loves you, you will find that too.

Unfortunately, almost all of us feel unsafe in the world (at the subconscious level), and this keeps us on the defensive a lot of the time. When you feel unsafe, your ego steps up to try and protect you. It does this through defensiveness and casting the other person as the bad one. That is why it feels like a win (to your ego) when you can show that your partner treated you worse and you are the victim. But this is really not a win; no one wins when you get offended by small things and always see your partner as the enemy.

Below is a process you can use when someone offends you. Following it will help you step back out of ego to see the situation more accurately and respond more maturely.

Note: In this article I am only addressing how to deal with the garden variety of arguments, not situations that involve abuse. The National Domestic Violence Hotline has information on how to identify the warning signs of abuse and how one can get help.

See the other person's bad behavior accurately

When someone behaves badly or offends you, there are four possible reasons for this behavior. Knowing them will help you accurately access what is happening in each situation. The four reasons people behave badly:

1. They were oblivious, not paying attention, missed some things, or had inadvertent bad behavior. They didn't mean to disregard you or mistreat you, they were simply not paying attention.
2. They are dealing with their own fear issues and their behavior is selfishly focused on finding a sense of safety for themselves. This can include seeking validation, showing off, protecting themselves, being jealous, being controlling, etc. It has been my experience that most bad behavior happens for this reason.
3. They are in a serious fear state where they are feeling defensive, working to protect themselves, and seeing you as a threat. This line of thinking may not be accurate (you are probably not a threat), but in this state you look that way to them and this is all they can see.
4. They intentionally wanted to hurt you or do you wrong

Which is most likely true in your case? Really think about this and give your partner a little benefit of the doubt, based on the qualities that attracted you to them in the first place. Are they someone who intentionally desires to hurt you? If they are, this may not be a healthy relationship for you to be in. But most of the time, offenses aren't intentional.

If this offense happened for any of the other three reasons, you must step back, stop taking this personally, and choose to not get offended — because it isn't about you. They don't feel safe in the world, and a person who doesn't feel safe has no choice but to focus on finding a sense of safety; they aren't capable of anything else. They may need some professional help to work on their fears around not being good enough and things not being right. So, the negative coping behaviors can be negated.

Be responsible for your response to the offense

You are responsible for your reactions and responses, and this should be your only concern. It is the only thing you have control over and the only thing that matters now. You must choose to respond with love, not fear.

If you get defensive and respond from a fear state, you are now doing the exact same thing the other person did to you. You are demonstrating fear-based bad behavior, and responding badly back is just as bad as responding badly first. It's the same bad behavior driven by the same cause.

Respond to an offense with love

Offenses and your reactions happen fast though, so you will need to practice and prepare ahead of time to be able to remember these steps in the heat of the moment. You might want to read through this procedure daily or replay past offenses that you reacted badly to, running through these steps to see what you should have done.

Procedure for reacting to offenses:

1. Recognize your angry, defensive, offended, unbalanced emotions when they are triggered.
2. Recognize the desire to place blame for those emotions on the other person and see them as the bad guy.
3. Remember the four real reasons people behave badly. Ask yourself: Is this person intentionally trying to hurt you, or could it be one of the other three reasons that aren't about you at all? If it's one of those, you now have two options: Let it go and ignore it (usually the best option), or speak your truth and ask for better treatment, but do it in a loving, validating way.

Procedure for mutually validating conversations:

1. See the other person as the same as you. They are not the bad one, and you the good one. You are both good and bad, and you have the same intrinsic value all the time. Do not talk down to the other person or attack them in any way. You are no better than they are.
2. Ask if they would be open to talking about the relationship and how you could both make it better.
3. Ask how they are feeling about the relationship. Ask if there is anything you do that bothers them, that they would love to have you work on or change. Ask if there is anything you do that bothers or irritates them. Be humble, teachable and willing to make some changes yourself. Be willing to spend time here, really listening and validating their right to feel the way they do. This is the love part of the conversation and this is where you show them that you are committed to showing up for and caring about them.
4. Explain how you feel about the behavior they have that bothers you, but do so using more "I" statements than "you" statements. Say things like "when this happens, I feel this way ... ," or "To me, it looks and feels this way and I just wondered if you would be willing to do that differently next time that happens?" Focus on the future behavior you want to see, not the past bad behavior that they can't change. Make sure this is not an attack; it is you sharing how you feel when certain things happen and owning your fear issues.
5. Tell them it would really help you if they would consider changing one thing moving forward. Focus on only one change in this conversation (others can wait for another time).
6. Repeat the steps 3-5 again if needed. At this point, the other person might have more to say to you or might get defensive. If this happens, go back to step 3 and ask questions and validate their feelings again. Go through steps 3-5 again and again, until you both feel supported, heard and understood.

This article has a lot of steps to follow, which will be hard to remember in the heat of the moment when you get offended. You will need to read this often and do a lot of mental replay after a fight to go back through what happened and see what you could have done differently. That kind of practice really helps, though.

You and your partner may also need some coaching or counseling to work on the underlying fear issues that cause you to feel unsafe with each other. I find most couples who fight a lot need individual coaching to get their subconscious fears under control before they can create a healthy relationship. Always be willing to take this on and work on yourself.

You can do this.

This was first published on ksl.com

SALT LAKE CITY — In this edition of LIFEadvice, Coach Kim shares some tips and tricks to improve your relationships.
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Question:

My husband feels that when our adult kids come over for Sunday dinner that I act more childlike especially if we are playing some type of game. He thinks adults should never act like children and it bothers him. From my point of view, I work very hard and I enjoy having fun especially with our kids — and since I have to be serious all day at work, it is fun to let up a bit on occasion, but he does not appreciate it. How do I respond to this and what should I do differently? Should I change to please him? Should he want me to change or love me as I am?

Answer:

I have written quite a few times this year about how important it is that we allow others to be different from us. We all have a tendency to think the way we function in the world is the right way, and we subconsciously expect others to be the same and are irritated if they aren’t. This isn’t fair, right or workable in your relationships.

Every person comes with different perspectives, different internal wiring, a unique upbringing, and a different set of past experiences and views. They are, therefore, going to view and do life differently from how you do it. If you cannot allow them (and even honor and respect their right) to be who they are, the relationship is going to be a hard one and may not work.

Here are some tips, tricks, truths and rules of engagement to consider when you run into differences with someone you love:

1. If you have a different way of being that bothers your partner, you need to have a mutually validating conversation about it.

This means a conversation where you listen to their views, thoughts, feelings and concerns, and explore with your partner why the behavior triggers something negative in them. Try to understand why they feel the way they feel and honor and respect their right to feel that way. But this does not necessarily mean you should change the behavior.

2. If someone is unhappy with your behavior, you must ask yourself if you think the behavior is working for you.

Be honest with yourself and willing to see the problems or downsides of the behavior. Be willing to hear the other person's concerns about it and consider changing it. But, if you do this and you authentically like this part of yourself and think it’s working for you, ask them if they would be willing to listen to your feelings about it. Explain why it’s a part of you that is not going to change and that they will have to learn to accept. You could also look for some kind of compromise that might make you both feel honored and respected. But generally, you should not change who you authentically are unless you can see negatives in the behavior and agree that it’s not working for you.

In your specific situation with your childlike side, I tend to think you should honor and validate your partner’s feelings but continue to be you. If it doesn’t feel like a damaging enough or negative behavior that causes any real problems, your partner probably needs to learn to love you are you are.

3. You should always try to let the people you love be their authentic selves.

Allow others to have different views, beliefs, styles, routines and behaviors from yours. Never expect them to be like you. You can expect them to treat you with kindness, respect and love ,of course — and if they don’t, you should definitely talk about that — but personality type differences in behavior should be cherished, laughed at and even celebrated.

4. The key to changing another person’s view, is to be open to changing your life first.

If a person you love has major differences in values or morals, or they have views you really feel are wrong, you can speak your truth about this and even try to educate or change them, but you must do it the right way. You must first be just as willing to listen to their views as you are to talk about your own. You must handle the conversation with respect, seeing them as equal in value (because you aren’t perfect either). If you cannot approach them this way, with humility and respect, they will likely just get defensive and defend their right to be how they are. They will dig in their heels and refuse to change if you aren’t open to changing too.

5. Never assume your way of being is better or right, and others are wrong.

If you want a person to be open to learning and changing, you must be willing to listen and learn from them. You must be open to being wrong and learning something new yourself. This is the only way to encourage openness in them.

6. Be a safe place for each other.

The biggest problem I see in most relationships is that partners don’t feel safe enough to discuss critical issues with each other. They are both too quick to be offended and get defensive. They don’t feel safe with each other because they fear they are going to be made wrong or made to feel they aren’t good enough. The first thing that must change in these relationships is both partners must commit to be a safe place for the other, a place where the other's infinite value will be honored and their self-esteem protected.

7. Loved ones have more power to hurt us and, therefore, we must work twice as hard at being the cure to their fears.

We are all afraid we aren’t good enough and we aren’t safe. These are our deepest, darkest fears. We want, more than anything, to have the people we love most see us as good enough and to feel safe with them. Unfortunately, this sometimes doesn’t happen. The people we love disappoint us, let us down, irritate and offend us, and we in turn get critical and defensive. These fear reactions block our ability to love and cherish these people.

ConclusionIf you want to have healthy, rich, loving relationships, the most important thing you can do is make sure the people you love feel good enough and safe. You can literally be the cure to their core fears, instead of often being the cause. Be careful with criticism. Give lots of validation about everything they do right. Let them know, at the end of the day, they and their self-esteem are safe with you. Make it your No. 1 goal to give validation and reassurance to your partner on a daily basis. This will create a relationship based in love and trust.

You can do this.

This was first published on ksl.com
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Question:

First, I have to say I love reading your weekly articles. The last few weeks have really resonated with me. My girlfriend and I have been together for about four years. Lately, I find myself really wanting affection, validation, a compliment or to feel wanted by her. She used to do little things for me and tell me nice things all the time. Whenever I try to talk to her about it and ask for what I need, she gets angry and feels like I am criticizing her and she feels like she's not good enough. I don't feel like I am doing this with critical intentions. I feel myself getting passive-aggressive about it and feeling bad that she doesn't do these things. I feel like I can't even talk to her about it or she'll just get mad, so I feel like I just have to accept it as it is or give up on the relationship. Do you have any recommendations?

Answer:

I am going to teach you some tricks for having hard conversations about your relationship, but I will also give you some tips for making the relationship more fulfilling and rich. It is definitely worth trying these things before you give up.

It would be a good exercise for every couple to sit together, read this article and discuss how they can do better in all six areas. Relationships take work; being willing to improve yourself and make changes is critical.

1. Learn more about your partner and how they are wired differently from you

Detailed information on how to learn more about your partner and how he or she is wired can be found in an article I wrote called "The anatomy of your relationship." Once you've done this, make sure you are loving them for who they are and giving them room to be themselves. You are never going to make a task-driven and not very emotional person into an attentive, emotional empath. You will (to some degree) have to learn to love who they really are. This doesn’t mean you can’t bring up offenses or request more loving behavior from them, you just have to do it the right way without attacking them or expecting them to be you. I will explain the right way to do so below.

2. Work on managing your own fear triggers

Your No. 1 job in the relationship is to stay in a trust and love state and be responsible for balanced behavior. When done correctly, this takes so much work and effort that you shouldn’t have much time left for trying to fix your partner.

If you have a hard time getting feedback from your partner and tend to get defensive or feel attacked, you may have a fear-of-failure problem that is hindering your ability to show up with love. You are so worried about not being good enough, you can’t access love for your partner. You may need to get some professional help to manage your fear and become more capable of receiving feedback without feeling attacked. A therapist or coach can make this process easier and faster. Likewise, if you are easily offended, overly critical, or judgmental, you may have a fear-of-loss problem you need to work on. Your partner needs you to own these issues and get to work on becoming a more balanced you.

It is also your partner's No. 1 job to stay in a trust and love state. If he or she is not willing to work on themselves, this might not be the healthy relationship you want to be in. That is something you will have to consider.

3. Have mutually validating conversations about what you both need — every week

Make it a weekly tradition that you find some quiet time (every week at the same day and time works best) and ask each other, "How you are feeling about our relationship and what is one thing I could do to show up for you better?" Then, listen and validate, honor and respect their right to be experiencing things the way they are and feeling how they do. Thank them for being open and honest with you and commit to trying to give what they requested. Then, have them do the same for you. Remember, mutually validating conversations are about listening to understand and better love the other person; they are about giving to each other, not trying to get what you need. If you both go into these conversations with a giving mindset, no one should get offended.



4. Become the cure to your partner's core fear

As you learn more about your partner and their differences, figure out what their biggest core fear trigger is. It will likely be something around being not good enough (fear of failure) or feeling taken from or mistreated (fear of loss). Ask lots of questions and figure out what makes them feel the most unsafe in the relationship. Figure out how you can become the cure to that fear and make them feel safe every single day — as much as you are able to, anyway. Most of their fear work ultimately has to be done by them, but you can help by being a constant source of validation and reassurance. Doing your best to make them feel safe with you is guaranteed to make a difference.

5. Make sure your partner feels admired, appreciated, respected and wanted every day

These four things create really rich relationships. Real love happens best when they are all present. If you love your partner but don’t respect or admire them, it won’t be the kind of love they are really after. If your partner loves you but doesn’t appreciate what you do, you won’t feel very loved. The one thing you have control over in this relationship is what you are giving the other person. Try every single day to say and do something that makes your partner feel admired, appreciated, respected and wanted, and you will be amazed at what you get back.

6. Forgive, give the benefit of the doubt, and be slow to get offended

Below are some things that will help you be more forgiving and less easily offended:

• Know that every healthy, rich relationship is made of two good forgivers. If one or both of you struggle to forgive slights and are easily offended, this relationship is going to be a hard one. If you hold grudges and struggle to let things go, this is a problem you must work on. Expecting your partner to tick you off less, isn’t the solution. A grudge against another person is your problem to solve.
• Talk to your partner as an equal. Any two people, who spend lots of time together are going to offend, slight, disrespect and bother each other. It is going to happen. Your ability to give your partner the benefit of the doubt that they don’t intentionally desire to hurt you — and to forgive them when they do — is critical. You can still bring up slights and discuss them, but you have to do that from equal ground acknowledging that you make mistakes and aren’t perfect either. Do not talk down to them like they are the bad one. Talk to them as equals with the exact same value, with respect and appreciation for all they do right, too. You never own the high ground and you must remember that.
• Understand that when you are struggling to love something about your partner, it often means there is a part of yourself you are struggling to love too. It is our subconscious self-hate that we project onto other people, which makes us bothered with them. The more bothered and offended you get, the more self-love work you must do on and for yourself. You cannot love others except for the way you love yourself. If this concept is hard to get your head around, keep thinking about it. The better you get at forgiving and loving the faults and flaws in your partner, the better you will be at loving yourself. Forgive them because you want to feel compassion and forgiveness for yourself, too.

Discuss these areas with your partner and be willing to get some help and work on yourselves if it would make the relationship healthier.

You can do this.

This was first published on ksl.com

Question:

I have been dating a guy for about seven months. We have talked about marriage but are not sure if we are ready. I have some concerns about how critical of each other we both are. He is critical of my clothes, car, cleanliness. I am critical of his schedule and how he doesn’t make time for me. I want to make the relationship works after all the time I have invested into it, but my feeling is that if we are critical of each other now, does that reflect a mismatch of values and perhaps mean it is time to move on? So my question is, how hard should you have to work on a dating relationship to make it work and when is it time to move on?

Answer:

I love this question, but I am going to break it down into the three smaller questions that will make the answer easier to understand.

1. Why are you both being critical of each other and what’s up with that behavior?
2. Is it a bad sign that means the relationship is wrong or doomed?
3. Should you stay together and keep working on it, or when should you move on?

As I answer each of these questions, please ponder some of the conflict behavior in your own relationship and what it means.

1. Why are you two being so critical of each other and what’s up with that behavior?

There are a few reasons this conflict might be happening. People are critical or conflict-prone because:

• It's an immature way to lift a person's own self-esteem. People tend to criticize others when they are in an unbalanced fear state and deeply afraid they aren’t good enough. One way their ego tries to fix this fear is by looking for anything and everything wrong in other people, situations or institutions around them. The more they can focus on the bad elsewhere, the better they feel about themselves. If others are "more bad," then they must be more good. This is a poor fix though that doesn’t work because, in the end, they know their negativity isn’t the best them. If the person causing conflict is afraid they aren’t good enough, they will project that fear onto you and see you as not enough. Could that be happening?
• They are fear-of-loss dominant (as I explained in last week’s article) and have a tendency to see what is wrong in every moment or situation and bring it up. This happens because they don’t feel safe in the world unless things are right. They are super observant and opinionated, and they are just really wired to be that way. Are you both (or is one of you) that way? Are you just naturally observant (and critical) of people, even if you don’t mean to be? You are not trying to be critical, you are actually trying to help make everything it’s best. It just comes across as critical to other people. Does this sound like either of you?
• You are not right for each other, and your gut is sounding alarm bells that this relationship just isn’t right. Maybe you are noticing everything that isn’t right because your gut is screaming, "This is not the right relationship for you!" One or both of you might be getting that message. Sometimes the one person who is getting that signal is the one meant to listen and end this relationship, while the other is meant to experience being left. There are interesting lessons in both experiences. Could that be happening?

Sit and think about each of those options and see if any of them feel accurate about yourself first. Then ask yourself which might be true of your partner. The truth is there, and you will see it if you pose the questions and sit with it for a while. Your inner GPS (your guidance system that always leads to your perfect classroom) always knows the answer.

2. Is it a bad sign that means the relationship is wrong or doomed?

Criticizing one another does not necessarily mean the relationship won’t work, will be too hard, or isn’t right. But there are three things it could mean and, again, you will have to listen to your inner GPS to know which is happening in your case.

• The criticism in this relationship could be there to teach you something. You may think your primary reason for being in a relationship is to make each other happy, but you are on this planet to grow and learn — and every experience you have is here to facilitate growth. So, this relationship is in your life, because there are things you both must teach and learn from the other. The question is, is this issue (of you both being critical of each other) here to teach you guys something? Maybe you are supposed to keep working on this until you learn those lessons. That is one possibility, and that would mean you are right where you are supposed to be (for now). If this is the case for you, you might consider some professional help to make the learning go faster.
• Maybe you are a bad match. If the criticism is really getting to you and you are starting to feel like you can never be good enough for this person, it might be time to admit that you two aren't a good match. Your gut might be telling you that this wouldn’t be a healthy relationship for you.
• You both need to learn to be less critical. I guarantee you are wired differently than your partner and you have different core fears, value systems, upbringings, beliefs and hang-ups. The problem in most relationships is that we all kind of expect our partner should handle life the way we do and see things the way we see them. When they don’t, we think this needs to be fixed. But it might not need fixing at all.

You might really need to learn to love (accurately and fully) this person you decided to love. That means allowing them to be different from you and handle life differently and see the world differently. I actually believe every couple needs to work on doing this, to some degree. Most couples I work with find that a little work on seeing each other accurately and allowing room for the other's quirkiness means they can stop criticizing and let most of the conflict go.

I teach relationship dynamics for a living, and I can tell you that the perfect match for you is rarely someone just like you. You were likely drawn to this person because of their differences. See if you can love those differences, laugh at their quirkiness and stop trying to change them.

3. Should you stay together and keep working on it, or when should you move on?

You are the only one entitled to the answer to this question, but you are entitled to it. Think it out, listen to your gut and make the decision that feels right, then try on the answer for a few hours — or a few days — and see how it feels. Even though breaking up is painful, sad and hard, you will know if it’s the right thing to do.

If you cannot figure out what your gut is saying, you probably have some fear in the way. You may need some help to quiet the fears so you can hear your gut. Again, some professional relationship help can make this easier.

You can do this.

This was first published on KSL.COM

I had a client ask me about the anatomy of the argument they keep having over and over throughout their marriage. They have noticed that other couples say the same thing: they always argue over the same thing or around the same basic issue. So, I thought that maybe I would explain a simple way to take apart that argument and see what is really happening.

The first thing you need to understand is that fear is in play. I believe there are two fears we all battle with every day, and have done so since we were small children. They are the fear of failure (that I might not be good enough) and the fear of loss (that I am not safe). We all experience both of these, but each person has one that is more dominant.

Find the fear

When thinking about your most common argument, it’s important to figure out which fear is in play for each of you. Ask the following questions to determine which fear is dominant for you, and then for your partner.

Fear of failure questions

• Do you have a lot of insecurity?
• Can you be a people pleaser?
• Do you sometimes struggle to speak your truth and instead let yourself be treated like a doormat?
• Do you worry too much about what others think?
• Do you get really hurt or offended when someone accuses you of acting wrong or behaving badly?
• Do you just really want everyone to be happy so you can relax and not feel like a failure?

If you answered yes to most of these questions, you are probably fear-of-failure dominant.

Fear of loss questions

• Do you have lots of opinions and are not shy about sharing them?
• Do you speak your truth well and sometimes offend people?
• Do you need a certain amount of control of situations to really feel safe?
• Are you opinionated and picky or particular about how things should be done?
• Do you easily notice what is wrong in any situation?
• Are you sensitive about feeling taken from or taken advantage of?
• Do you get bothered when your money is wasted or people don’t do what they should be doing?

If you answered yes to most of these questions you might be fear-of-loss dominant.

Study the fight

The reason it is important to know a person’s core fear is that once you understand where their fear is based, you also know the key trigger that knocks them out of balance and brings out their bad behavior. Most of your arguments will be the same basic fear getting triggered.

People who are fear-of-failure dominant get offended when they feel judged, criticized, rejected, unloved, abandoned or insulted.

People who are fear-of-loss dominant get offended when they feel taken from, mistreated, disregarded, disrespected or like they are losing something.

Think back on your most common argument or disagreement you have with a person. Which one of the above offenses happened first? Someone started this argument when they felt one of those things. Can you see which fear was in play first?

When their first fear was triggered, the person reacted and behaved in a way that triggered the other person’s fear. Can you see which fear that was?

Whenever you react from fear, the behavior that results is almost always selfish and focused solely on protecting yourself. This behavior makes the other person feel unsafe. When you are so focused on protecting yourself, you are not going to be thinking about protecting the other person. It is important that you can see behavior that the first person displayed, or what they said that got the second person triggered, too.

What did the first person’s behavior make the second person feel? Did they feel ...

1. Judged, criticized, rejected, unloved, abandoned or insulted
2. Taken from, mistreated, disregarded, disrespected or like they are losing something

When both parties have their core fear triggered, each person involved in the argument is selfishly focused on protecting his or herself and his or her interests. In this state, no one is capable of showing up with love, understanding or validation for the other person. They both feel too unsafe to talk about the real issues. Suddenly, the whole argument has become all about seeing yourself as wronged and defending yourself.

See the solution

It is critical to understand the anatomy of these arguments so you can see the solution. At the end of the day, you both just want to feel safe, loved, respected, admired and wanted by your partner. This argument is really about the fact that you don’t feel that way.

So, the answer to ending this argument for good is to learn how to make your partner feel safe, loved, respected, admired and wanted when they first get triggered.

What if you could pause right at the beginning of the argument, when the first trigger happens, and ask yourself:

1. What is my partner really afraid of here?
2. What does my partner need to calm, validate or reassure them and bring back a feeling of safety?
3. How could I give my partner what they need instead of getting defensive and focusing on protecting myself?
4. What would it look like if I tried to listen to understand my partner (not reply) and recognized this issue is about their fears about themselves more than it is about me?
5. What could I do in this moment to make my partner feel safe, loved, respected, admired and wanted?

Mary and John

Let me give you an example of how this works:

Mary and her husband John live on a tight budget and are very careful in stretching their paycheck to the end of the month. John opens the fridge and finds a bag of salad that has gone bad and has to be thrown out. He turns to Mary and in anger says "That is just great! Why didn’t you use this before it sat in the fridge and rotted? What’s the matter with you?" Mary yells back, "Why do you have to be such a jerk? You are the worst husband ever." The argument escalates from there.

Let’s take this one apart: This argument started when John got triggered by fear of loss. He was already worried about not having enough money this month, and seeing food go bad triggered that fear. But notice that he doesn’t see it as a money fear problem; he inaccurately sees it as Mary’s problem. So, he aimed his bad reaction right at Mary, insulting and verbally attacking her.

This, of course, triggered Mary’s fear of failure, as John was accusing her of being careless and wasteful. But instead of recognizing what John’s fear was really about (the money fear), she goes on the defense and attacks him back. Now, both John and Mary feel unsafe with each other and instead of addressing the actual fear issue, they have made the argument about each other.

​Conclusion

The truth is that most bad behavior is a cry for help, love or reassurance because the person is scared of something; it’s always more about the person’s fears about themselves than it is about you.

People who are grouchy and rude and attack you for small mistakes, or right out of the blue, are usually battling a huge fear that they aren’t good enough; however, they aren't conscious of that, so they project their self-hate onto you, which is easier for them than facing it.

Many people who feel mistreated, taken from, or are easily offended are really angry at life for disappointing them. They can’t punish life for their losses, so they project the problem onto everyone around them. If you can start stepping back and looking at each argument through this filter, you will find they are easier to understand and resolve than you think.

You can do this.

This was first published on KSL.com

I have received numerous questions lately that involve stepfamilies or blended families, and I understand why. All family relationships can be hard, but these families face many more challenges than a biological family. Additionally, people who haven’t been in a blended family before are often unprepared to handle them.

Many couples marry thinking their love will be enough to make the family work, but they soon find out that’s not true. To create a successful blended family you will need to learn about the challenges and gain some new skills.

The statistics

I share the following statistics from Pew Research and the Stepfamily Foundation not to discourage you, but to motivate you to get some help, education, skills and tools so your blended family can beat these odds.

• 1,300 stepfamilies are formed every day.
• 1 in 4 Americans is a stepparent, a stepchild, or has some other form of a blended family; that means almost 100 million people.
• 50% of first marriages end in divorce.
• 75% of those first marriage divorcees will remarry at some time.
• 60-75% (depending on the source) of blended families or second marriages end in divorce.
• 75% of stepfamilies complain about a lack of resources to help them.

Fortunately, that last statistic is changing, as there are more resources today than ever before. I highly recommend that couples who are in a blended family or are thinking about getting married, find a coach or counselor who is familiar with the challenges. You should also find every book, conference or seminar you can on the topic and read them together. These steps can considerably up your chances of making it. Knowledge and awareness of the challenges make all the difference.

Tips for blended families

Jeannette Lofas, an author and stepfamily expert, says the No. 1 factor in the success or failure of a blended family comes down to getting outside education, help and resources to deal with the inevitable challenges. Here are some important facts about blended families, from her book “Step Parenting,” which I highly recommend.

1. A blended family is very different from a biological family.

The issues that arise in a blended family will be some you haven’t ever had to deal with before. In a birth family, there are natural roles everyone falls into; but in a blended family, these roles can look very different.

No stepmother can fully replace the child’s actual mother (even if she is deceased). The stepmother role is a unique one that most people have never had before. The rules are completely different, and the same goes for the father, mother, stepfather, and even the oldest child, who now might not be the oldest anymore.

It takes time for everyone to understand and master their new roles. This cannot happen overnight and the road will be bumpy. All parties must be patient, easy-going, and slow to get offended or defensive. Everyone has to give everyone else some slack to learn and get comfortable with their new roles.

2. Love is not required, but respect is.

You cannot force your child to love a stepparent, but you will need a firm rule about respect, consideration and kindness. These are required from all parties all the time, even from the adults toward the children.

Everyone has the right to be honored, respected, heard and thanked for what they do. If a child or adult is struggling with giving respect, that is a sign that a conversation needs to happen where they can express their frustrations, pain or fears around the situation. As the adult, you must be able to listen to the child’s feelings and honor their right to have them, even if they are attacks at some level.

Everyone has the right to their feelings, but being disrespectful is not an option. If the adults are behaving emotionally or defensively, they need to seek some professional help with processing their own fears and feelings so they will be able to show up mature and stable and earn the family’s respect.

3. Your individual emotional intelligence is vitality important.

If you struggle with strong emotions, losing your temper, feeling mistreated or offended, you may want to seek some professional help to work on your triggers. Do not wait to see if things improve. Get professional help at the first sign of trouble. Every expert I talk to says this is the No. 1 thing they recommend. It is so much easier to fix relationships and families at the onset than to wait until things get really bad.

4. Blame the stepfamily situation, not the people involved.

Lofas says "One of the greatest mistakes is blaming yourself for the feelings and difficulties of the stepfamily situation. Such blame only makes you feel helpless, and it often keeps you from taking steps to deal with the problems."

It is not easy for anyone to be a stepparent. It is not easy for any child to have a stepparent. The entire experience is complicated and, at some level, can be scary or threatening. Everyone needs someone to talk to and resources to help them sort through the emotions involved.

5. Remember that transfer moments can be painful.

Every time children go from one home to the other (these transfer moments), all the pain around the divorce is brought to the surface again. Expect children to struggle and have emotions that can lead to behavior issues at these times. Overlook most of this and give them some room to feel bothered and even act out to some degree, because this type of behavior is natural as they process loss.

6. Everyone will have feelings of guilt.

Parents feel guilty for breaking up the family and loving someone their kids don’t like. Stepparents feel guilty that they can’t feel loving feelings toward these children that don’t belong to them. Children feel guilty for liking the stepparent or for disappointing the parent they aren’t with.

All this guilt leads to feelings of failure, which creates all kinds of bad behavior. A trained professional can help you process the guilt and, again, blame it on the situation, not on yourself.

7. Stepcouples should set rules together — alone.

Stepcouples must spend a great deal of time having validating conversations about rules, consequences, boundaries and who will do the disciplining and how. Do not have these conversations in front of the children. These things need to be worked out in private and then facilitated the right way (usually, this means having the biological parent do the discipline when possible).

Everyone must have a voice and feel heard and validated about their feelings. Even if you disagree, it will go over better if the other party at least feels heard. If you don’t have the skills to have these conversations in a validating and productive way, seek some professional help to learn how.

These are just a few tips and tricks to shine the light on some of the challenges stepfamilies face. In upcoming LifeAdvice articles, I am going to share advice and tips for fathers, mothers and stepparents in their unique roles. There is also a conference on blended families coming to Utah on Jan. 21 that I highly recommend you attend if you have, or are considering having, a blended family.

You can do this.

This was first published on KSL.COM

​I was asked recently what changes in your people skills that would most improve your relationships. This is a great question, because your ability to create healthy relationships is the key to happiness in life. You can’t feel happy, fulfilled, and good about life, if your relationships are stressed, unsafe, or confrontational.
 
This is especially true with your significant other. If that special relationship is strained or in trouble, it can suck the joy from every other part of your life.
 
Below are my top five people skills tips that would improve your relationships fast:
 

1. Allow people to be different from you. You have a subconscious tendency to think the way you navigate the world, handle problems, and treat people is the right way and anyone who functions differently is wrong. If you will accept the idea that different isn’t necessarily better or worse, it’s just different, this one change could be profound. In my coaching program I teach there are 12 types of people in the world and every type has good behaviors and bad behaviors. None of them have only good and no bad. This means everyone has bad behaviors, even you. They are just different bad behaviors than other people have, but they are just as bad.
   
   The most powerful change you can make to improve your relationships is learn to understand how the people close to you are wired, how they see the world, and what their triggers are. Then, you can stop expecting them to act like you, and accept them more fully for who they are.

 

1. Give the benefit of the doubt.  The people in your life are inherently good. They have no desire to do you wrong or hurt you. When they do offend you, it is usually unintentional. It is usually because they were in a fear state and therefore overly worried about themselves (you do this too). It is a game changer when you decide to assume the best of them, instead of looking for the worst. Assume they mean well and were just clueless in that moment. Stop making them into the bad guy, remember we are all doing our best with what we know in that moment. It’s just that we need to know more.
   
   Give the people you love room to be a work in progress. We are all students in the classroom of life and we are never going to be perfect. Give the people in your life allowance to make mistakes and go easier on them when they make one, because you want them to go easy on you, when you make one.
   
   
2. Ask questions and listen, more than you talk. The heart of every relationship lies in how you talk to each other. If you talk more than you listen, you won’t have good relationships. Talking is all about you and is not loving or validating. Only asking questions because you truly want to understand and show love to the other person, validates their worth in your life. Listen to understand not just to figure out what to say next. Set your thoughts and feeling aside and really listen to what they think and feel. Spend time here and ask enough questions that you gain understanding about how they see the world and why. You will be amazed at what you didn’t know about the people you love most.

 

1. Be a safe place without judgment. What everyone wants most from their important relationships is safety. We all want someone who we are completely safe with, who has our back, knows our intentions are good, because they know our soul, and who sees the good in us, even on our bad, immature, of balance days. Be that person. Be the safest place in the world for the person you love. Make sure they can tell you anything and you will listen without judgment, understand, and not make it a about them. If you have trouble doing this, it is because you don’t feel safe in the world yourself. If you don’t feel safe, you will be overly focused on getting a sense of safety for yourself, and you will have nothing to give. Get some professional coaching or counselling to work on your own fear issues. When you are on solid ground yourself, you can focus on giving that to others.

 

1. Forgive and let the past go. Forgiveness becomes easier when you understand that life is a classroom and you always attract the people, who will be your perfect teachers. They are in your life to trigger your issues, push your buttons and bring your fears to the surface, so you can work on them. This means any past offenses, were the perfect classroom experiences you needed.
   
   Real forgiveness is about healing your perception around other people and their behavior. When you change the way you see them and the offense, you will immediately change how you feel about it. Choose to see any offense as perfect for you, and the pain will lessen. It didn’t happen to you, it happened for you. It isn’t a loss experience, if it was here to served you.
   
   Also remember, there is nothing that exists, that God did not make, and chance plays no part in His plans. This means you are safe in His hands all the time. Nothing can diminish your intrinsic value, nor bring you a journey that is anything less than perfect for you. In order to be offended, you have to believe that you are vulnerable in some way. If you trust God fully, you are never vulnerable and cannot be wronged. You can only be educated and taught.

 
I realize this may be a new and even mind blowing perspective for some of you, which might even take a while and some work to understand, but it is the path to amazing relationships and greater happiness.  
 
You can do this.

This was first published on ksl.com

Question:

What should I do when my spouse gets mad at one of our kids, but becomes irrationally angry with yelling, arguing, and generally makes a "mountain out of a mole hill”. Should I support my spouse and whatever punishment and behavior they use with the kids, even though I don’t agree? Or should I tell my spouse to please walk away because they are losing it, and let me handle it (which will make them mad at me)? How can we have different parenting styles and not have conflict over them? I also worry that my kids like me more because I am more in control, and it’s made my spouse the bad guy. How are they not the bad guy, when they behave this badly?

Answer:

So, what you are really asking is, “Is it more important to put up a united front in front of the kids or is it more important to stop my partner from parenting badly (with out of control emotion or anger) directed at our child?”

Obviously, both are important and doing both, at the same time, should be your goal, but if you have to choose one (in a tense moment), you should choose to protect your child, while never making your spouse feel small or bad. Below are some suggestions for handling these intervention moments with love and support.

Defuse the Situation:

You must learn how to defuse the situation in a respectful, loving, way towards your spouse, who is already upset and triggered. If you step into this situation from a position of anger, holier than though self-righteousness, or ego, you are going to create conflict and resentment. You must learn speak to your spouse as an equal, who is as equally flawed, because both of you are imperfect, struggling, scared, students in the classroom of life, who make mistakes. You cannot cast the first stone. You must speak to your spouse with love and compassion for their fears and pain in this moment. You must make them safe with you, while also making your child safe.

Create a time-out rule in your home:

Defusing the situation with love, means having careful, mutually validating, conversations (which I have outlined in previous articles) to pick a safe word or agree on a time out rule. This means both of you, will agree ahead of time, if either of you says that word or calls time out (which you will do if you feel the situation is being driven by fear not love), you both agree to stop talking and step away from the situation to cool down.

You both must agree to take some time and get your fear own triggers under control (your number one job as a human). You must learn how to choose trust in your infinite value and trust in the universe as your perfect classroom, to pull yourself together. Then, talk to each other about this situation and get on the same page before you talk to the child. Make sure both of you feel validated, heard, understood, honored, and respected for your feelings. Never talk down to your spouse or make them feel like the bad guy (you are equally as bad in other areas).

There will be times when you must act quickly though, and you don’t have time for all this communicating, so, in those situations, just use the safe word, as a clue to your spouse that they sound scared. You will use that safe word to love and support them, not to shame them.

Remember, their “out of control” parenting behavior is happening, because they are scared of failure or loss, not because they are a bad person or a bad parent. That is why you need a safe word. You need a word to remind each other that unsafe feelings and behavior are showing up and the real loving you may not come through. You both need to make sure it’s love, not fear, that is doing the parenting.

I highly recommend getting some coaching or counseling if reactive fear responses happen regularly. A good coach can help you figure out what your fear triggers are and teach you how to quiet them so you can parent at your best.

Dos and Don’ts in parenting:

1. Don’t respond when you are out of control or angry. Take the time to step away and remind yourself God has you, you are not failing or losing your child. This experience is just part of your classroom, to help you grow.
2. When you react in fear, your response is always something that makes you feel safe. If you parent from love, it is not about you and so you are focused on what your child needs. You have to learn to quiet your fears of failure and loss, so you can parent unselfishly and not make everything about you.
3. Raising your voice on occasion is inevitable, but swearing, yelling, hateful anger, and violence are not acceptable, ever. If this behavior shows up often, you need to get some professional help to work on this.
4. Respect has to be earned. Children respect parents who are emotional intelligence. If you are out of control, overly emotional, inconsistent, or immature in your reactions, they will not respect you. You will feel this and it might make you even more angry, then, this becomes a vicious cycle. You must fix this by getting some help, apologizing for poor past behavior and making changes.
5. Lecturing a child for long periods of time, saying the same things over and over, creates resentment and disrespect, more than it changes behavior. A productive parenting conversation involves more listening (by you) than talking. Asking questions will help you truly understand your child and what drove their behavior, but you have to create a safe space for them or they won’t let you in, and you will have little influence.
6. If you want influence with your child, you get this through connection and safety, not lecturing, yelling, or punishing. Respectful conversations where you honor their thoughts and feelings, creates connection.
7. You can have control or connection, but rarely both. Control means they will do what you say in front of you, Connection means you have influence in how they behave away from you.
8. Don’t ever compare your child with siblings or friends.
9. Don’t relish in being the good parent, while casting your spouse as the bad one (especially if you are divorced). Be a united front that has good communication so your child can love and respect both of you.
10. Don’t criticize your spouse in front of the kids. If you want to talk about bad behavior that bothers you, do it in private, and be prepared to own your bad behavior too. Give your spouse room to ask you for behavior changes. Even ask for the feedback and often as you give some.
11. Make sure you parent as a team. Every problem should be addressed as the two of you against the problem, not each of you against the other.
12. Take time to listen, ask questions, validate, honor and respect your spouse’s thoughts, feelings, ideas, opinions, fears and concerns, before you share yours.
13. Apologize, sincerely, for you past bad behavior and own that you have work to do and things to learn. Make your marriage a place of personal growth and provide a safe place where you can both own your weaknesses without feeling judged.
14. Don’t be so soft on the kids that you force your spouse to be the bad guy. If you tend toward being too nice or lenient, that is just as bad as being too angry or strict. Own that you may need to do some work on the fear issues that drive your leniency.

I highly recommend the Parenting with Love and Logic books and The Conscious Parent, by Shefali Tsbary. They are my go to books for parenting ideas and help.

You can do this.