First Published on KSL.COMQuestion:
Life is not a happy place in our home right now. Our marriage is not great, I’m struggling at work and I can’t say that I even felt a shred of happiness all week. Do you have any suggestions when someone is just unhappy with life in general? Answer: Tony Robbins says there are six basic needs you must have to feel happy and fulfilled in life. They are:
You cannot wait for life to change. That would take too long and it is largely out of your control. So, you must focus on the one thing that is in your control — your perspective. You always have the power to choose how you feel in this moment, and your perspective will create your experience. Most people think their reality creates their experience. They think reality forces them to feel a certain way, but it isn’t true. You get to decide how you are going to experience every moment. It is your decisions, not your conditions, that determine your happiness. If you are currently unhappy, then it is time to change your mindset and start choosing to experience certainty, uncertainty, significance, love, growth and contribution. I’m going to tell you exactly how to do this. Then you will need to practice these choices until the concepts cement into your subconscious thinking. 1) Change how you see yourself. (Read this out loud now) I choose to see my value with certainty and my significance as a given. I am a one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable, amazing, divine, human soul and there will never be another me. This makes me infinitely valuable and absolutely significant. My value is never in question and cannot change. I am a student in the classroom of life. I am here to learn and grow, but this is not a test, so I cannot fail. I am always good enough, even though I have more to learn. My value is certain and I have nothing to fear. 2) Change how you see your life. (Read this out loud now) I choose to see life as uncertain but with a purpose. That purpose is growth and my learning to love and contribute. I believe life is a surprising adventure because it has to be that way to facilitate growth. Every experience that shows up in my life is an opportunity to learn something, practice trust or become more loving. Every offense, every challenge and every disappointment is there to help me become a better version of myself. Life is uncertain but everything serves me in some way, so I have nothing to fear. 3) Change how you see your mistakes. (Read this out loud now) Life is a classroom, not a test. This means mistakes don’t diminish my value. A mistake is just a learning experience and I must embrace the lesson, make amends where I can, then let it go. I am here to learn love and forgiveness even toward myself. My mistakes do not affect my value and they make me wiser. I have nothing to fear. 4) Change how you see your body. (Read this out loud now) My body is no more “me” than the shirt I am wearing. My genetics are a class I got signed up for here and though they are creating interesting lessons in my life, my body isn’t who I am. My love is who I am. I am wise and take care of my body (like I would my car) because it is the only one I get, but I don’t identify myself by it. Instead of trying to impress people with my appearance, I go get them with my love. My love can bring all goodness to me. I have nothing to fear. 5) Change how you see money. (Read this out loud now) Money is not the scorecard of my worth. If I see money as the scorecard, it will create a scarcity mindset. Instead, I see money as a resource that helps to facilitate my growth and contributions to the world, but is a resource that is always coming in and going out. I see it like the waves of the ocean, which ebb and flow, but are nothing to fear because they always come back in. I have an abundance mentality around money and trust I will always have all I need and more. There is nothing to fear. (Download theMoney Fear Worksheet from my website if this is a big issue for you.) 6) Change how you see your relationship. (Read this out loud now) The biggest misconception people have about love is they think love is something to get. This is inaccurate. The only love I will ever have is the love I have to give. I forgive my partner on a daily basis for their faults, flaws and fears, which make them incapable of giving love to me. I choose to focus on giving love, not getting it. (Unless this is an abuse situation where leaving may be the more loving choice for all involved.) I understand that my being more loving is the magic that will create the happiness I seek. Tony Robbins says, “Only those who have learned the power of sincere and selfless contribution experience life's deepest joy: true fulfillment.” I promise if you will choose a more accurate mindset, make a bigger commitment to love, connect and contribute to those around you, while understanding your value is certain, even though the journey isn’t — you will experience amazing growth and feel happier. You can do this!
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First Published on KSL.com
Question: I honestly feel my difficult situation is hopeless and it is ripping me apart. I would love some advice on how to cope when you feel all is lost because right now I am just miserable. I’m not suicidal or anything though, just really discouraged by my lot in life. I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels this way. What advice do you have for helping me pull myself up in spite of a hopeless situation? Answer: I appreciate you mentioning that you aren’t suicidal, but if your dark, hopeless feelings don’t go away with an attitude shift, you may still want to visit with a mental health professional to make sure depression is not a factor. Hopelessness is defined as believing your situation is beyond any optimism, impossible or incapable of solution or improvement. It is not a state of depression, but a discouragement in that your just situation can’t be changed. Hopelessness is often a self-fulfilling prophecy too, because when you believe your situation is hopeless, you usually don't try too hard to change it. Then, when you do nothing to change your situation, and nothing changes, you think you were right. Aaron T. Beck, the father of Cognitive Therapy and creator of the Beck Hopelessness Scale, found that everyone has negative, hopeless thoughts that pop up spontaneously at times. The problem is that if you spend too much time in these hopeless thoughts, you can start to believe them. Beck helps people identify their hopeless thoughts, evaluate them for accuracy and change them. This simple, but not easy, process almost always leads to greater happiness and more solutions. The only way to escape the hopelessness cycle is to question your belief about the situation being hopeless. If you can change the belief, you will then put more effort into changing things. However, this can be very hard to do if you've been dealing with your situation for a long time. Just start by choosing to stay open to miraculous possibilities and change your mindset about why this situation is showing up in your life. I love this line from "Impossible," the inspiring song from Rogers and Hammerstein's "Cinderella:" “The world is full of zanys and fools/who don’t believe in sensible rules/and because these daft and dewy eyed dopes, keep building up impossible hopes/impossible things are happening every day.” You know it’s true, miracles happen. I see them all the time. People who thought they couldn’t change who do, and marriages everyone thought were doomed turn around and start to thrive. So don’t throw in the towel too quickly on anything, unless your gut says your perfect journey is to move on. Your inner truth always knows what’s right for you. If your gut says to keep fighting though, don't give up. Start by telling yourself it is possible to change this situation. Even if the situation won’t change, you can always change, or you can change the way you are experiencing the situation and that could change everything. There are many factors that lead to hopelessness. Here are five of those factors and some possible solutions: 1. Not finding an easy answer. The reality is that most problems don't have an easy answer, but they do have an answer and you are meant to find it eventually. If you can’t see the solution or a way to change your attitude about your situation, it doesn’t mean there isn’t one. It just means you still have something to learn from the situation the way it is. When the lesson is over, you will find the solution and things will get better. Just don’t give up until then. I've seen couples struggle with their marriages for 20 years and then finally change it. It wasn't easy, but they kept trying until their efforts paid off. 2. Feeling powerless. You could be in a situation where you feel like you have no power to change anything. In these situations remember you can always change the way you are experiencing the situation. Viktor Frankl, who suffered through the concentration camps during WWII, was powerless to get out. He did, however, discover that he still had power over one thing: to chose his attitude. He chose to find positive things to focus on and to see meaning and purpose in his suffering. You have the power to choose your mindset about your situation too and this will make a difference. You can choose to see life as a classroom and the main purpose of life is to teach you things and help you grow. This means every experience is here to serve that purpose. You can step back from any negative situation — even a hopeless one — and ask “I wonder how this situation is going to help me become a better person?” The answer will put you one step closer to getting the lesson, seeing the situation accurately and getting out. You should never feel powerless because you always have this power. 3. You think you've tried everything. How many times have you said "I've tried everything!" Realistically, you haven't tried everything because that would be impossible. There is a great worksheet on my website resources page that takes you through a brainstorming process to find solutions. The worksheet won’t let you stop until you think of 50 possible solutions. I promise you there are things you haven’t tried, people you could go to for help and resources you haven’t tapped into. Remember this is a lesson and you are going to get something positive from it, and it is most likely meant to be solved. 4. You're focusing on what you can't change instead of what you can change. There are some things you simply cannot change. Don't get caught up focusing on those things. One of my clients told me that her father was diagnosed with a terminal illness and she watched him experience all the stages of grief, including denial, as he came to terms with dying. Finally, he chose to focus on changing how he viewed the situation — the only thing he could change. He decided to look for some good his dying could create. He told his children, "Your mother has always lived under the shadow of supporting me...you just watch and see how she will grow now." He chose to see a benefit in a very difficult trial. Again, even if you can’t change anything else, changing your attitude can make a huge difference. 5. You believe that what you can't change is essential. We don't get upset about unimportant things, we get upset about things we believe are essential. So you have to decide if what you're feeling hopeless about is really essential? You might have a relationship that is ending and feel like you can't live without it. But you lived without it before you were in the relationship, so chances are, you will be able to live after it. A client once said, “I can never be happy unless my wife changes.” I don't believe that is true. You can place those kinds of conditions on your happiness if you want to, but you could also choose to be happy now if you wanted to. Also, remember that you don’t have to carry years of suffering with this difficult situation today. You only have to get through this hour, or this minute choosing to be happy with things as they are. You only have control over how you feel right now. Don’t worry about how you will feel days, months or years from now. Focus on today and choosing happiness in spite of what’s missing. Also, don’t place conditions on happiness. Take it one hour at a time and you can do this! Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com and is a popular coach and speaker. This article was co-written by Lisa Stirland, a Claritypoint Life Coach. First Published on KSL.comQuestion:
I have a pretty negative outlook on life. Not sure why, but things bother me and I get bent out of shape by people and situations quite often. I am pessimistic and I can’t stop being this way. It is just the way I think. Though my family complains about it, I can’t seem to think any other way. How can I change this, when there really are a lot of negative situations around me? Answer: You first must fully accept that your thoughts are in your control. Nothing can make you upset or feel negatively about anything unless you choose to. As a matter of fact, every situation and circumstance is basically neutral and means nothing — until you apply meaning to it. It appears that your subconscious programming (that has been running the show since childhood) is mostly fear-based, so you’re running on negative autopilot most of the time. But you can change this. You can consciously choose positive thoughts in any moment. This is simple to understand, but it is going to take some practice to master. In every situation you must stop and use your brain to make a change. You must change your mindset by asking yourself these simple questions:
I was not happy about this. My automatic response was to be mad and even make her feel bad for being forgetful. But in that moment I chose to stop and use my brain to change my mindset. I decided the only way I could see this (going back) as a good thing was if going back had just saved us from a horrible car accident up the road. If I chose to imagine this outcome, it would completely change my attitude towards my daughter. I might even thank her for forgetting her things and saving our lives. I realize this was a stretch of my imagination, but it still made good sense to experience it this way, because I was going to have to go back no matter what. The only thing in question was my attitude. I could have a negative attitude and make her feel bad, or I could choose to trust the universe that everything happens serves me (even when I can’t see how) and treat my daughter with kindness. Which option feels better to you? I also asked my daughter (in a loving way) to be more careful next time, but I didn’t make her feel guilty because I had chosen to see this detour as our perfect journey. When I get a flat tire, or lose an opportunity, or lose a friend — I chose to trust the universe it knows what it's doing and this circumstance is here to serve me in some way. The universe knows what it's doing. In his amazing book "Man’s Search for Meaning," Viktor Frankl (as a prisoner in a concentration camp) discovered this truth about choosing our thoughts. He found that he had complete control over nothing but his inner state and could choose his attitude even in the worst of circumstances. He further explored this principle as a psychotherapist after the war and taught his patients to look for another reason (even a good reason) that a bad thing might happen. He believed if they could see a positive purpose for it, if the bad thing at least counted for something good, they would suffer less. He explained this principle by telling the story of an old man who came to him for counseling. This man’s wife had passed away, leaving him alone and terribly depressed. Frankl asked the man what would have happened if he had died first, leaving his wife alone. How would she have fared? The man told Frankl that being left alone would have been terrible for her. She greatly depended on the man for support and would have suffered horribly alone. Frankl then proposed the idea that maybe the universe had given him the beautiful opportunity to save her from suffering. What if there was purpose in her passing first? If given the choice wouldn’t he have wanted to spare her that misery and taken the years of loneliness in her place? When the man saw his situation in this light his perspective and his attitude shifted. He could see the good in his situation and it did lessen the suffering. It also helped him to turn the tragedy into a human achievement. He chose to use his time alone to become a wiser, kinder, more giving person instead of a bitter, lonely one. You have this same choice in every situation. You can choose to see positive and grow from a tragedy or setback. You can choose to see every experience as a lesson in your classroom journey. You can use your conscious mind to choose meaning in it and create a more positive picture. Frankl defined conscious as “the intuitive capacity of man to find out the meaning of a situation.” He believed there is unconditional meaning in everything and you can find it if you take the time and put your brain to use. This is the bottom line — you are going to apply meaning to everything anyway, so you might as well do it consciously and choose something positive — don’t let negative thinking run your life. If life is a classroom and you are here to learn and grow (especially to learn to love) then when anything happens (you lose a job, get a flat tire, break your leg, lose an important paper or lose a loved one), stop and ask yourself: What could this situation be here to teach me and how could it help me become more loving? In every negative there is a lesson, a gift of knowledge or a positive side. There is order in the universe and every experience is here to serve your growth and learning. Life is your servant, serving your education — not your enemy. It would change your life if you chose gratitude and curiosity instead of negativity. In my book "Choosing Clarity: The path to fearlessness," I recommend writing an official policy about the nature of life and how you are going to choose to see it. Then read the policy out loud daily. This simple practice will create a more positive attitude, I promise. You can do this! Question:
My mother is a very critical, judgmental person. She always has something negative to say about everything I do and everyone we know. I’m often embarrassed for her because of how quick she is to see the bad in people, and I’m really tired of being on the receiving end of her criticisms. It’s been hard to have a mother (who should love and accept me most) be so negative. Is there anything I can do about this? I’ve tried to talk to her about it but she gets really offended and attacks me for my faults. She thinks she is perfect. Answer: First, you must understand why she is behaving this way. We could all use a better understanding of human nature and why people do what they do. This knowledge will help us to see situations accurately and handle them more appropriately. Here are some basic universal principles of truth regarding human behavior that it would serve us all to learn. 1. Everyone on this planet is scared to death. 2. They are primarily scared of two core things: failure and loss. (They are scared of looking bad and being taken from.) This means they are constantly on the lookout for insults or mistreatment and are quick to be offended by anything that could be construed as either. 3. These fears play out in our subconscious programming and are responsible for 95 percent of our behavior. This means most of the time we don’t know what we are doing or why. 4. Being driven by fear produces a lot of selfish, negative, bad behavior. Fear keeps you focused on yourself. It makes you incapable of showing up for others. Most people are functioning in this state most of the time. 5. Fear also makes us see other people as different from us, which means we see them as either better than us or worse than us. We would subconsciously prefer to see them as worse than us so our subconscious mind looks for the bad in them (casting them as the bad guy) which we think makes us the good one. I call this the Shame and Blame Game. You must understand how the Shame and Blame Game works so you can accurately see when you are playing it and stop yourself and so you can stop getting offended when other people play it. This is the bottom line, the more shame you experience (fear that you aren’t good enough) the more you will subconsciously focus on the bad in others (blame) to distract you from your fear. Your mother is negative because she is scared to death. I would guess from your description that she is has a lot of fear around not being good enough. She may even have some subconscious self-hate going on. This is why she looks for the bad in everyone around her. Her ego actually thinks this will make her feel better, which it doesn’t. I feel bad for her living in all that fear and negativity. It must be an awful place to live. She may also have fears of loss and be easily offended by anyone who makes her feel cheated or taken from. Does she get overly offended if someone cuts in line? Or cuts her off in traffic? Or has things she doesn’t have? Does she hate feeling put out or walked on? She may suffer badly from both core fears. You also want to check yourself for being easily offended by insults or mistreatment. We all do it to some degree, but is it a real sensitive issue for you? I hope understanding the Shame and Blame Game helps you to get conscious about this behavior and have more compassion for her. I hope you can see that her criticisms say more about her than they say about you. This is another important principle of human behavior. 6. Most bad behavior is about the person’s fears about themselves. It is not about you. They may be projecting it at you and casting you as the bad guy, but it is really about their shame. People without shame, don’t need to see the bad in others. As a matter of fact, they usually don’t see it at all. People with good self-esteem are more likely to see the good in others than the bad. I want you to understand this so you won’t take your mothers criticism personally. The reason your mother attacks you if you even hint that she is anything less than perfect is that she is so scared she isn’t good enough, she can’t handle hearing anything that might confirm that. People with low self-esteem can’t handle feedback, it’s too painful. So how do you deal with difficult people like this?
"Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain, but it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving."—Dale Carnegie You can do this! Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness." She offers free coaching calls every Tuesday night. Question:
My husband is struggling at work and, frankly, everywhere else. He is constantly bothered by things people say and do. He is always afraid his performance isn’t good enough. His self-esteem isn’t good and he is almost always frustrated and offended by something. He seems to have lost himself and in some ways he is giving up. I don’t know if there is anything I can do to help him (or advice you could really give me) but I thought it worth a try. I’d do anything to see him happier. Answer: He has fallen into fear and drifting and doesn’t know how to get himself out. This happens to most of us at some point in our life. You may be in an unhappy marriage, but not doing much to change it or fix it. Instead you might be living around each other, carrying years of resentment and being slightly passive aggressive. You may be in fear at work, doing just enough to get by, but not going anywhere. You may be just generally unhappy with yourself and life, but can’t see a way to change it. I call this state — stuck in fear drifting. I got that term from Napoleon Hill and his amazing book "Outwitting the Devil." He says that drifters are the people who dwell in fear and neglect to use their minds to choose their way out. He explains that drifters let other people and situations influence their emotions and they mindlessly react to life with the same old patterns over and over. He claims that 98 percent of us fall into that category. “People who think for themselves never drift, while those who do little or no thinking for themselves are drifters. A drifter is one who permits himself to be influenced and controlled by circumstances outside of his own mind… A drifter accepts whatever life throws in his way without making a protest or putting up a fight. He doesn’t know what he wants from life and spends all of his time getting just that.” “People who think accurately do not drift on any subject. They recognize the power of their own minds. Moreover, they take over that power and yield it to no person or influence” says Hill. Everyone experiences hard times, failures, embarrassments and mistakes. They are part of the classroom of life, but drifters let those disappointments and failures stop them. They let the fear of failure (the fear of not being good enough) convince them it’s safer to stop trying, stretching and shooting high, that it’s safer to pull back and stay where you are. When you set your sights high you are usually disappointed and you could embarrass yourself. Take a minute and honestly assess if you are making plans and setting goals to get what you want out of life — or just drifting through? Napoleon Hill also wrote the famous book, "Think and Grow Rich," one of the bestsellers of all time. In this book he lays out his research on creating success in life. One of the amazing things he discovered interviewing the most successful people of his day was that all of them had experienced great failures and set-backs. Every one without exception had experienced discouraging losses. The difference was their “capacity to surmount failure without being discouraged.” This was “the chief asset of every man who attained outstanding success in any calling.” These people learned to use their minds to choose how they were going to experience those setbacks. They understood they had control over how those failures affected their value and what losses meant. They learned how to see themselves, other people and situations accurately (without fear of not being good enough in the way). They were people with defined purpose who set goals, believed in themselves and didn’t let any situation or person stop them. They understood the classroom of life gives you problems, but it also provides solutions. Hill said, “There is a solution for every legitimate problem no matter how difficult the problem may seem.” But the solution won’t just be handed to you. You are going to have to fight, work, learn and stretch to find it. The important point though is that it is there — and you are meant to find it. The universe doesn’t want you to stay stuck and unhappy — ever. It wants you to learn and grow and change your life. Answers and solutions to your problems are available right now! Here are some suggestions for breaking free from drifting:
If you are having trouble with how to choose them, you may want to find a coach or counselor to help you. I would also highly recommend reading Napoleon Hills books, "Outwitting the Devil" and "Think and Grow Rich." You can do this! Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book CHOOSING CLARITY: The Path to Fearlessness. She offers free coaching calls every Tuesday night. Question:
I’m seriously overwhelmed and discouraged. No matter how hard I work, the list of all the things I’m not doing or not doing good enough is longer than the list of things I do. I feel like I’m failing and can’t see light at the end of the tunnel. There are just not enough hours in the day, and I’m tired of feeling like a failure. Any advice for me? Answer: You are not alone on this one. Trying to do it all and perfectly should be our state motto. When you have internal pressure to be perfect along with unrealistic expectations about what you need to accomplish, discouragement, depression and low self-esteem are inevitable. Perfect isn’t possible, and you simply can’t do it all. Here are some suggestions that might help:
Napoleon Hill (author of "Outwitting the Devil”) said, “Human being are given complete control over nothing save the power to think their own thoughts.” I believe this is truth. When everything else feels out of control, you can control your thoughts. You can choose to feel peaceful, unburdened, safe, loved, valued and good enough. You also should work on your time management skills and get more organized, but without control over your fear-based thoughts that won’t be enough. You must choose your way out of fear. You might want to seek out a professional to help you learn how. Keep working on these principles and you can do it! Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "CHOOSING CLARITY: The Path to Fearlessness." She offers free coaching calls every Tuesday night. Question:
My spouse and I have struggled with marriage problems for years and years. I have begged to go to therapy or counseling but my spouse refuses to let anyone know we are struggling and not perfect. It’s like she would rather get divorced than admit we need help. What can I do? Why are people so reluctant to ask for help? Answer: I’m so glad you asked this question. Just last week, Matt Townsend and I were discussing why so many couples wait until their marriages are hanging by a thread before they seek professional help. At this point awful things have been said and done, and it’s much more difficult to repair the relationship. It breaks our hearts that they don’t ask for help sooner. If you would seek out help at the first sign of trouble, repairing the relationship would be a hundred times easier and you could save yourself years of suffering. If you didn't do that, the best time to ask for help is today. Ask your spouse if she would be open to at least read this article and consider changing her mind. People are reluctant to admit they need help because somewhere in the course of their life they picked up an inaccurate idea (policy) around what it means to ask for help. Here are some common fear-based policies they might have learned in childhood. See if any of them sound familiar:
Refusing to ask for help can also create isolation and make you come across as arrogant. You are literally putting yourself above other people (the mere mortals who need help from other people). You are giving power to the idea that we should all be perfect from the beginning instead of struggling students in the classroom of life. The truth is, we are students in the classroom of life. We are works in progress who at no point are ever going to be perfect and have it all figured out and not need any help from anyone else. There is no such thing as independence. We are all interdependent here. We all serve each other as teachers and students. There is no shame in being the student on occasion. It is what you are meant to be. Learning is what you are here for. Have I shared with you my favorite definition for the word SHAME? It is an acronym — Should Have Already Mastered Everything. How ridiculous is that? You can’t know everything and be an expert at every dimension of living. That isn't possible. You must learn to be honest, genuine and vulnerable and admit you need help once in awhile. You must also remember that doing this does not affect your value. Your value is infinite and absolute (it is not changeable or on the line because life is a classroom, not a test). This means that whether you ask for help or not, your value is the same. When you really understand this principle, it will take the fear of looking bad off the table. You will stop worrying about what others think and focus on learning and growing instead. What you really want is to be a strong, wise person, right? But strong, wise people aren’t those who are trying to impress others with their perfectness. People who are trying to impress are actually terribly afraid they aren’t good enough, which is why they feel they have to impress. They think they must pretend to be perfect to even have value. Real strong and wise people don’t need to pretend anything because they know their value is infinite either way. Real strong, wise people are basically fearless. This means they have no fear of doing anything (or at least they know how to choose this mindset in any situation), which means they can ask for help, be vulnerable and even look stupid, and none of these experiences change how they feel about themselves. Their value is the same regardless of what anyone thinks of them. Strong people ask for help because they understand that in being real enough to admit they don’t know it all, they give other people permission to be imperfect (and still have infinite value) too. They make other people feel more accepted and honored despite their faults. We all like people who are genuine and not trying to impress us. Asking for help in front of your children is the only way to teach your children they have nothing to fear by asking questions and admitting they didn’t know it all. And this is a lesson you want your children to learn. Don’t pass on inaccurate fear-based policies to your kids. Here are some ways you can ease into asking for help (and being more strong and wise):
You can do it! Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "CHOOSING CLARITY: The Path to Fearlessness." She offers free coaching calls every Tuesday night. Question:
I read your article last week on being psychologically mature and I definitely struggle with this. I think I have a hard time controlling my emotions because I feel things deeply and I cannot “not” feel what I’m feeling. Do you have any advice for helping me to stop my reactions and get control of myself? Also, how can I teach my children to get control of themselves so they don’t inherit my bad habits? Answer: Did you watch the biathlon during the Olympics? They are the ones who ski cross-country and shoot target rifles. One of the fascinating things about this event is watching the biathletes control their breathing and stifle their adrenaline after each race portion. If they can’t calm down and breathe slow, they can’t shoot accurately at their targets. You can learn to calm yourself down and get control of your body and your mind too. You have the power to consciously choose your emotions, but it takes Olympic athletes years to learn to do this, and it is going to require effort and practice on your part too. (Also, if you are struggling with depression, this is even more difficult. Depression affects your brain chemistry and makes choosing your emotions really difficult. I recommend talking to your doctor about some medication along with working on the suggestions below to control your thinking.) We all have subconscious policies of fear that create strong emotional reactions to things, and these reactions are kind of like riptides. They are strong and fast and pull us out into dangerous water (bad behavior that creates poor results in our lives) before we even know what’s happening. Understanding riptides can help us learn to escape these damaging emotional reactions. A riptide does not pull a swimmer under water; it simply carries the swimmer away from the shore. If a person caught in a riptide does not understand how riptides work, they will try to swim against it and will eventually exhaust themselves and drown. But if they understand how riptides work, they can easily exit the rip by swimming at a right angle to it. If they swim sideways, parallel to the shore, they can exit the current and return to land safely. Experts recommend this approach if you get caught in a riptide:
Here is a simple procedure you can practice when experiencing strong emotional reactions to calm yourself down and consciously choose a more mature response:
We must realize that we control the weather in our heads and claim the power to choose how we will experience each moment. Then we must teach our children to think for themselves and choose how they want to feel. You can do this by teaching your children the principles mentioned above. Benjamin Franklin said, “Educate your children to self-control, to the habit of holding passion and prejudice and evil tendencies subject to an upright and reasoning will, and you have done much to abolish misery from their future and crimes from society.” It will take some work to master this, but you can do it! Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "CHOOSING CLARITY: The Path to Fearlessness." Shauna Jensen is a certified Claritypoint coach who had the idea for this article. Nelson Mandela said, “The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.”
I think the most amazing part of the Olympics so far, has been watching the losers. Maybe I relate to the experience of having things go wrong since my own life has been pretty messy, but I find myself watching closely to see how athletes handle it when their dreams fall apart. I was glued to the TV when American figure skater Jeremy Abbott, not only made a mistake and fell, but he fell so hard he almost didn’t get up. After lying on the ice for what seemed like forever, he slowly rose to his feet with a hand on his injured hip and the crowd went wild with applause. The fans were applauding his simple effort to rise after a terrible fall. The whole world watched as he took a couple seconds to think about his options: quit, call for help or go on. It appeared that the cheers from the crowd helped him decide. He was going to finish, even injured, even though all his hopes for a medal were gone. It was the most inspiring Olympic moment so far in my opinion. Because Abbott now had nothing left to lose and the pressure to be perfect was gone, he skated for love for himself and his sport and left everything he had on the ice. He was amazing! I admire the skaters who deliver a flawless program and earn the gold medal, but I admire people like Abbott even more. I also admired the way Shaun White handled his loss, and how Body Miller and Ted Ligety, who were also favorites, handled losing. Interestingly, their losses allowed Sandro Viletta, who was in 14th place to take the gold, showing us that sometimes life hands you an unexpected win too. The classroom of life never fails to surprise. Another amazing Olympic moment came watching Dario Cologna, my new favorite Olympian, who took gold in the 15km. This winner waited around for hours to congratulate and shake the hand of the guy who came in last, Roberto Carcelen, the first Peruvian to ever make it to the Winter Games. Carcelen was skiing with a broken rib and barely even made it to the finish line. Cologna deserves more than a gold medal for being a person who honored the effort of the guy who barely made it. Carcelen deserves a standing ovation, too, because he is not a loser in my book, he is a champ. He showed the world what he was made of even more than the winners did. Sticking it out, staying in the game when you really want to quit, hanging on even though you’re in last place and embarrassed by your performance, getting back up when you fall, that takes a lot more courage than winning. It’s the man who doesn’t stay down that really deserves the applause. We appreciate these moments because we relate. We all make mistakes and fall once in a while. Sometimes they are even big falls and we go down hard in front of everyone we know. Often we are ashamed by our stupidity and weakness and we could let these failures affect us. We must learn three lessons from the Olympic athletes who don’t make the podium: 1. Mistake experiences don’t define you They don’t diminish your value as a human being nor make you unworthy of love and admiration. These experiences show up in your life for one reason: to teach you things. They are lessons in the classroom of life or locations on your journey and they probably serve you more than winning does. Winning doesn’t give you the chance to trust that your value is infinite and absolute in the face of proof you aren’t good enough. It doesn’t put that trust to the test and require you to stretch. It is these magic moments when you get to decide to let go of your shame and claim your infinite and absolute value as a one-of-a-kind human being. If you choose to value yourself this way and you cannot be “not good enough” no matter how you perform. 2. Failure experiences are just part of the process of life Keep in mind that life is a classroom not a vacation. You are to learn and grow and the process is not going to be an easy one. Most of the time, your life is not going to meet your expectations and will be disappointing. The question for all of us when things go wrong is, what are you going to do about it? What are you going to do with what you have left? This is where you get to decide who you are going to be: a quitter or a guy like Abbott, who trusts that this losing experience is his perfect journey for some reason, and gets back up and keeps fighting no matter what. These moments do define you. They say more about your character than winning ever could. 3. Mistake experiences make you a better person. Losing can make you stronger, it will also give you empathy and compassion towards the people like Carcelen who finish last because you know what it feels like. Losing on occasion makes you less judgmental. Losing on occasion turns you into someone like Cologna, who values the guy who finished last. If you won all the time you might turn into a critic. Theodore Roosevelt once said, “It is the not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena…who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without err and shortcoming…who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails, while daring greatly.” Brene Brown wrote a wonderful book on this topic called "Daring Greatly." I highly recommend it. Today, I salute the losers of the Olympic Games who were in the arena and dared greatly. I salute all of you, too, all of those whose lives have been difficult and disappointing, who have fallen, failed, stumbled and sometimes hit the ice hard. I salute you for sticking it out and staying in the game even though it was embarrassing. I salute you for using these failure to make yourself better not bitter. I salute you for getting back up and trying again. As a writer, I also win some and lose some. Some weeks I get accolades for my brilliantly written column, other weeks I get torn apart on the comment boards for my poor advice. This has given me some interesting opportunities to experience failing and choosing how to process that. It has, at times, tested my courage to continue. It is scary being vulnerable and facing the critics. Every time you put yourself out there in the public eye and try anything, you take a great risk. Other authors have quit writing for KSL because the negative comments became too much to bear. (Keep this is mind when you choose to criticize those who are doing things you aren’t brave enough to do.) I also got to experience losing on national TV when I was voted off "Good Morning America" in an advice guru contest back in 2010. After a few moments of humiliation when I didn’t make the top seven, I decided to see this experience as a win. I was voted one of the top 20 advice gurus in the country right before I was voted off. I was a winner even though I was a loser and didn’t get enough votes to continue. (Click here to read my old blog post about getting voted off GMA with some more tips on losing.) To be honest, I have been a loser most of my life. In junior high and high school, I ran for office, tried out for cheerleader countless times, and always lost. I lost so many times my dad started calling me Abraham Lincoln. He thought that was funny because old Abe lost eight elections, didn’t get accepted to law school, failed twice in business and spent the rest of his life in debt. He even had a nervous breakdown at least once before becoming one of the greatest presidents in our history. (I know in the end he also died, but we all die in the end.) The point is that losing is not the end and failing doesn’t make you less of a human being. They are just a beautiful part of the human experience called life, though not your favorite part. They give you a chance to find out what you are made of, like Abbott, and stand back up and keep going. They give you a chance to understand you have value above and beyond your performance or appearance. They force you to let go of your need for outside validation and stop worrying what other people think of you. They give you the chance to claim your right to choose how you will see yourself. They help you to discover your love, your compassion and wisdom. Failures also give you the chance to understand and experience the real point of living – to learn and love, and especially to learn to love yourself and others as we are, in our imperfections. Kyo Shiodaira said, “Rather than the strength it takes to not lose, it’s the strength to stand back up after a loss that is sometimes more valuable.” When you get your turn to lose, which you surely will once in a while, remember Abbott, hold your head high, remember your value wasn’t on the line because life’s a classroom not a test. Don’t let it define you. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness." She offers free coaching calls every Tuesday night. Question:
I’m just being honest, but I think you make being positive about life sound easier than it is. When your life has been as hard as mine, anger is pretty justified. My mother was horribly bad at parenting and messed us up and life has never gotten easier. I’m angry and disappointed that my life has been so hard when others have had it so easy. I read your articles and you keep talking about trusting the journey, but it’s not that easy when it always disappoints. How can I when life always lets me down? Answer: I agree with you. It’s not that easy to feel positive when things keep going wrong. I know first hand how miserable, disappointing and discouraging life can be. Mine has not been an easy ride either, but a large part of our suffering is self-inflicted, in that, we are choosing to be frustrated that life didn’t meet our expectations (expectations we created that are nothing but figments of our imagination). We made up these expectations about what our life “should be” and now we feel robbed that we didn’t get it. Is it any surprise this didn’t work? Life was never about meeting our expectations. The answer to end our suffering does not lie in changing our situation and making it right (which usually can’t be done anyway) but in changing how we think about it. You aren’t going to feel better until you change your perspective and see your life more accurately. I am going to help you do that by recommending you adopt a principle of truth about the nature of life: It is what it is. If it was supposed to be something else, it would be. There is perfect order in the universe and everything happens for a reason. Everything from the smallest insect to the largest planet in this galaxy does what it does, when it does, for a reason. The entire universe is a system of order, beauty and purpose. Do you really think your life is an exception to that? Do you believe you (a one-of-a-kind, amazing, and eternal soul) are less important; that you are left to be kicked around by random circumstances with no meaning or purpose to any of it? Could your life really be a bunch of bad-luck accidents that mean nothing and serve no purpose? I just can’t find truth in that idea. It makes no sense. Not when I believe that you are loved, valued, divine and irreplaceable. It makes more sense that the whole universe was created to serve you. That this entire universe is here to facilitate your learning and growth. With this mindset you could accept and embrace “what is” and spend your time looking for the lessons and the blessings instead of complaining about, resisting and regretting that things aren’t different. You must change your expectations. Even William Shakespeare said, “Expectation is the root of all heartache." Expectations are really nothing but thoughts and illusions you made up and to which you have become overly attached. They aren’t real. You must let go of your expectations so you can make peace with life as it is. I recommend that you get some paper and write down all the expectations you had for your life (write every small thing you expected to be different than it is). Then tie that paper to a balloon and let it float away up into the sky and let those expectations all go. Decide to embrace what your life is and stop suffering over made-up illusions. This doesn’t mean you give-up working to make things better, though. You will keep working on improving things, while at the same time understanding that you are where you are for a reason. In this place you can accept people as they are and forgive them for being imperfect and disappointing you. They are in your life as teachers. This means your mother may not have been a perfect mother, but she was the perfect mother for you, for some reason. At least you have the option of seeing it that way. Here are four things you can do to change how you feel about your life: 1. Accept responsibility for creating the expectation that your life should have been different than it is. You created this illusion so you can un-create it. Choose a mindset based in truth that produces less self-pity and suffering. You are here to learn and grow, this is not a vacation. Live in optimism that things will get better, but also in trust that what is — is perfect for some reason too. 2. Practice gratitude. If you are going to compare your life with others at least make sure you compare yourself with those who have less, or have it worse than you, not just those who have more. There are plenty on both sides. Choose gratitude for what you do have, and count your blessings daily. 3. Accept there is meaning and purpose behind every experience. See if you can list 10 positives that the bad situations in your life have created in the world or in you. Look for how your experiences have improved you. Choose to focus on being a better person not a bitter one. 4. Understand that your journey doesn’t define you or have any effect on your value. Your experiences are locations on your journey. They are classes you were signed up for, but they don’t have any bearing on “who you are” or your value. A hard life doesn’t mean you weren’t good enough or loved enough. It just means you signed up for some hard classes. You are not being punished with these classes. They are here to teach you things, but your value isn't on the line. The process to forgive life for disappointing your is the same as the process to forgive another person. In the end you must make one simple decision: Do you want to live with bitterness, regret, rejection, resentment, judgment, criticism and pain or do you want to live in love, trust, acceptance, forgiveness and peace? Every moment of every day you must make this choice and make it carefully, because whatever you send out — you get to live in. I know it’s not easy, but it is that simple. Just keep thinking about it. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in eliminating drama in the workplace. She offers free coaching calls every Tuesday Night. |
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AuthorKimberly Giles is the president and founder of Claritypoint Life Coaching and 12 SHAPES INC. She is an author and professional speaker. She was named one of the top 20 advice gurus in the country by Good Morning America in 2010. She appears regularly on local and national TV and Radio. Archives
March 2022
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