First Published on KSL.COM
Question: Our marriage is in trouble. We both get offended and hurt all the time. I don’t want this much contention in my life and I know my wife doesn’t either, but neither one of us knows how to fix it. We have tried counseling and honestly it made things worse, all we did is fight with a mediator. We never learned to change ourselves. Is there any other options to make some real changes? Answer: When everything else hasn’t worked, chances are you have some deep subconscious fears of failure and loss that are creating problems in your relationship. You and your spouse probably have some inaccurate beliefs about yourself and life too, which are creating defensiveness, selfishness and resentment. Here are some common signs of a fear problem in your subconscious programming. See if any of these sound familiar.
The problem in most marriages is selfishness and defensiveness, and both of these are caused by fear. There is a worksheet called “Understanding your Marriage” on the website too and it will help you to see how fear is affecting your relationship and why. You and your spouse should both fill this out individually. I suspect your wife is terribly afraid of failure. She may be afraid she isn’t good enough as a wife and mother. She may have body-image issues or she may be afraid she can’t measure up in other ways. These fears are playing out in her subconscious programming. She doesn’t want to be easily offended or resentful, it just happens automatically. Remember, subconscious thought processes create your emotions. You are likely to feel offended before you understand why. You are offended because you are subconsciously afraid you aren’t good enough and you are projecting that fear onto your spouse. Because you don’t think you’re good enough, you will believe your spouse doesn’t think you’re good enough either. Then, you will unintentionally look for proof that you are right about this. When you find this proof, which could really be inaccurate perceptions of the events, you will use it to cast him or her as the bad person and that will create growing resentment in the relationship. Fear thinking is quite irrational, yet it feels real. As the husband you may also battle fears of failure at work, your own body-image issues, fears of loss or not measuring up or fears of not being appreciated. You also won’t mean to get offended or mad so easy, but it will happen subconsciously. If your wife starts complaining about her life, which is really about her fears about herself not being good enough, this could trigger your fear of failure you were already battling all day at work and because you feel subconsciously responsible for your wife's happiness. You might feel mad and resentful that she’s not happy and assume it's about you. Your fears of not being good enough could lead to criticizing her. You don’t want to feel or behave this way, you are just subconsciously reacting in the only way you know how. That doesn’t mean you both can’t change it though. You have the power to change your conscious and subconscious fears and beliefs. It will take some work though. There are many coaches and counselors out there who specialize in this kind of cognitive work. I highly recommend you keep looking for a professional to help you do this. It makes changing much easier. The first step to changing your subconscious programming is to understand it and become conscious of how and why you react to situations the way you do. Start paying more attention when you get bothered, offended or upset. See if you can tell what you are really afraid of — failure (looking bad, being rejected or not good enough) or afraid of loss (losing out or being taken from at some level). Just identifying what is happening will help a great deal. You both also need to do some work on your self-esteem. Repairing your own self-esteem is the best thing you can do for your marriage. You must also start watching for offenses and consciously noticing your reactions. You will start to see that your automatic reaction isn’t your only choice. You could choose not to react. You could respond instead from a place of trust and love. The next time your spouse insults you, remember the insult is just words or thoughts and these can’t actually diminish who you are, they cannot change you or determine your value. Most thoughts and words are coming from someone who isn’t seeing you or the situation accurately anyway. Their fears are skewing their perspective and the insult probably has more to do with how they are feeling about themselves, than it does about you. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t check yourself though. Is there any truth to it? Is there a lesson for you here? Could it serve you to learn something from this feedback? But also remind yourself that it’s just a lesson and it doesn’t mean you are inadequate as a person in any way. Your value is not on the line. You have more to learn, but you are good enough as you are right now. Just remember most marriage problems are happening because one or both spouses is afraid and suffering from self-esteem problems (fear of failure) or is overly sensitive to feeling taken from or not being in control. These are subconscious fear problems and nothing will get better until the underlying fear issue is addressed. You may want to read my five-part series on Repairing your Marriage that was published on KSL earlier this year. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular coach and speaker.
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This article was first published on KSL.COMQuestion:
As a new school year approaches, I am noticing the dread of homework time again at our home. My son, who is still struggling to read, can be having a great day and when I just say the words "It's time for homework," it turns into such a battle and it's hard to know where to push and not let reading be such a negative thing. Do you have some tips for homework time and how I can manage it better? Answer: This is a tricky one because your stubborn child knows you can’t force him to think, write or read. You can force him to sit at the table, but you can’t force much more than that. So force isn’t the way to go. The most important thing is that you don't lose it. A child in meltdown will trigger your two core fears: failure and loss (failing as a parent and losing a child who is headed for failure in life). You must stay in trust about your value and in trust with your classroom journey of life if you are going to help your child. Remember that your value isn’t on the line here, and this isn't the end of the world, no matter how bad tonight is. I am going to address some common homework meltdown, power struggle, and discouragement issues though, and give you some advice for each, but the very first thing you must do (if your child is struggling with homework) is find out if your child has any kind of learning problem. If the homework seems too hard, his reading comprehension seems low or he has trouble with math, it could be a serious disability or even a minor learning style difference. If you suspect this kind of problem, have your child tested and ask the school to help you set up an education plan that works better for him. You could also explore how he learns best on your own. Try teaching him using different methods (visual, verbal and experiential) and see which one he relates to. There is also an article I wrote back in 2012 on tips for starting the school year right you may want to read. Here are some common problems and tips for battling homework fear.
Also remember that each night’s homework is a lesson (in your classroom of life) and another opportunity to practice being wise, mature and loving. You won’t always handle it perfectly, but you will always get another chance to practice tomorrow. Just keep working at it — and you can do this! Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a coach and speaker. Question:
Every time I read or hear something about improving communication I try it with my husband and we do better for a little while, but then we have a disagreement and always seem to fall back into our old ways. How can we stop this cycle? I know we won't ever be perfect at it, but how can we not fall into our same traps all the time? Answer: You are definitely not alone on this. It is human nature to slide back into old habits, even if we know better. A study in the Oct. 20, 2005, issue of Nature, by Ann Graybiel, a professor at MIT, showed that neuron activity in the brain gets set when we form a habit. Changing that behavior is difficult, because the brain’s neuro pathways want to keep doing what they’ve always done. But you do have the power to change. The first step is becoming aware of your subconscious habits of thinking and the traps that trigger your old behavior. (You may want to take the Fear Assessment on my website, to see your subconscious programs and how they affect you.) In this last communication article I want to share five common pitfalls of communication with which many couples struggle. They come from Dr. John Lund. 1. Asking leading questions There are a couple of ways we do this. One is we ask for someone's opinion when we don't really want an answer, like if you ask your husband if you should buy a new coffee table when you've already decided you want to buy it. Another way is when we ask a question hoping for a specific answer, like while driving home, a woman says to her husband, "Do you want to stop and get a treat on our way?" and he takes the question literally and responds, "No, thanks, I'd rather just get home." Well, she's hurt because she wanted to stop! What she should say is, "I would like to stop and get a treat, is that OK with you?" We have to watch for a subconscious tendency to do this because it is game-playing. We need to shoot straight and just ask for what we want. 2. Mixed messages There are three ways that we send messages (communication signals) to each other: facial expressions or body language; tone of voice; and the actual words. Sometimes these communication signals don't match up and these are a mixed message. For example, if I have asked my son several times to clean his room and he still hasn't done it, I might say to him in a tense voice, "Will you please clean your room?" He then tells me not to get so mad and I respond, "I said please." The negative tone of voice and the positive words don't match up. We pay the most attention to facial expressions and body language, tone of voice is second, and the actual words are last. My son hears my tone of voice and that discounts the word "please." So we need to work on making sure our body language and tone of voice agree and hold each other accountable for our words only (this is content communication that we talked about last week). 3. Don't ask if you don't want to know This is a common area where women may not communicate clearly. Think about asking your husband if he thinks you should rearrange the living room furniture (when you already know you want to) and he says no. Now, you have created a problem. You asked his opinion, but you are going to reject it because it isn’t the answer you wanted. According to Lund, men are known to defend their opinion even if it's not the best idea because they are really subconsciously defending their ego. So, it would be better to tell your husband that you are going to move the furniture and ask for his help doing it. Another option is to say upfront, "I'd like to move the furniture. You have some really good insights though, so will you give me your opinion, but then support whatever decision I make?" 4. Hint-dropping Again, women are more notorious for this than men. You might comment about how bad the garbage smells, hoping your husband will jump up and take the garbage out. Or you might mention several times how amazing your friend's husband is because he cooks dinner every Sunday, hoping your husband will start doing that. In general, husbands want their wives to be happy and would rather just be told in a loving way what you would appreciate from them. Hint-dropping can be game-playing and you will always build a better relationship if you shoot straight. 5. If you have to ask, it doesn't count Another way to say it is, "If you really care about me, you would know." This is probably the most common and most detrimental communication pitfall, and we hear this from our clients all the time. What you're really expecting is someone to read your mind and that is not realistic. Movies and other media have created an expectation of a spouse who always knows the right things to say and do at exactly the right time, but it doesn't happen that way in real life. Expecting someone to read your mind and know what you want is again, playing games. You must ask for what you want and need and then appreciate having a spouse who is a great responder. The bottom line is that we all have fears, we all make mistakes and we all want to be loved and valued as we are. You and your spouse have different challenges, weaknesses and faults, but you both have good intentions to treat each other right. Neither of you wants to say the wrong thing and start arguments. You must give your spouse the benefit of the doubt more often and remember to see them as the same as you. You are both struggling students in the classroom of life, doing the best you can with what you know, with the exact same intrinsic value. No one is worse and no one is the bad guy. Be patient with yourself and each other, because behavioral changes can't happen overnight. Keep practicing and commit to forgiving each other when you mess up and over time — you can do this — you can create a better relationship. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.claritypointcoaching.com. Lisa Stirland is a Claritypoint Coach. You can learn more about Dr. John Lund at www.drlund.com First Published on KSL.COMQuestion:
I read your article last week on communication. My husband and I do pretty well, but we often get into a fight when I try to tell him about something that's bothering me. I try not to sound attacking, but he always seems to get defensive and then I wish I hadn't said anything. Should I just keep my frustrations in and deal with them myself or is there a way I can approach him that won't create conflict? Answer: I don't recommend that you just keep your frustrations in and try to ignore them or sweep them under the rug. There are kind, honest, healthy ways to discuss what bothers you that won’t create conflict. Hopefully you got the worksheet on Validating Communication Formula from our website last week. It is a great place to start. It might also help to learn some basics about men and communication. According to Dr. John Lund, author and psychologist, men are naturally defensive all the time, which means when you try to talk to your husband about something that's bothering you, his initial reaction will almost always be defensive. They are subconsciously programmed to defend, which makes sense because of their protector role. They also have fear around not being good enough, like we all do. If you have something you want him to work on, you might want to start the conversation with something he does well or that you love about him. Or start by asking questions about how he feels about the situation. Listen to him and honor and respect his right to see the situation the way he does. This will ease his fear and make him feel validated. It's always a good idea to start every conversation with some validation. Then, most men want to know three things about a conversation before it starts. If you will tell your husband these three things up front, both of you will be happier with the outcome. John Gottman, a leading authority on relationships, wrote the book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" (New York: Crown Publishers Inc., 1999). In it he writes about 650 couples that he studied for up to 14 years and how starting conversations right affected their relationships. He found that "96% of the time you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first 3 minutes! A harsh startup simply dooms you to failure. So if you begin a discussion that way, you might as well pull the plug, take a breather, and start over." Try these three things the next time you start a conversation with your husband and see if it doesn’t go much smoother. 1. Is this going to be painful? Nobody likes to be blindsided by criticism. Think about what you want to tell your husband and mentally rate it on a scale from 1-10, 10 being something he would be very hurt by. Let's say you decide it's a 4. You could approach him by saying something like, "Honey, I would like to talk to you about something and I would say it's a 4 (so it’s not a big deal and won’t hurt). When would be a good time to do that?" He then has the option to talk to you now or giving you a time later that would be better for him. Asking a permission question will lessen his defensiveness and make him feel respected. If it's not going to be very painful, most of the time he'll want to talk about it right now, but if you've given it a pretty high score, he might want time to prepare himself emotionally to hear what you have to say. He might also have a lot on his mind or be in the middle of a project right now, so no matter what the score, it would be better for him to talk about it later. However, if he decides to talk later, tell him not to worry or second guess what it is about and start getting defensive before he even knows. Let him know there is nothing to worry about until then. Ask him for a time within the next 24 hours and make sure it happens. 2. How long is it going to take? Men use a third fewer words than women, so they hit information overload long before a woman is done talking. This causes them to tune out and even feel trapped by a long conversation. Decide beforehand how much time you think you'll need (keep it short) and let him know. So again, you might start your conversation by saying, "Honey, I would like to talk to you about something and I would say it's a 4. It will take about 15 minutes. When would be a good time to do that?" It is very important for you to stay within the time limit you give him. He needs to trust that when you say 15 minutes, you don't really mean an hour. Give him a realistic time frame and stick to it. If you do this every time you talk, he will trust you more and he will feel more respected. 3. What do you want from me when this conversation is over? Men are also natural problem solvers, and this shows up in most conversations. When a woman talks to a man about something that's bothering her, he automatically tries to solve the problem or fix the situation. He even feels responsible to do this. Most men get bothered when their wife isn’t happy because they feel subconsciously responsible for it. Usually women just want to be heard and understood and don’t expect anything. Be careful not to expect your husband to be able to read your mind on this though, and you also must know what you want before starting the conversation. Some ideas of what you might want are solutions, feedback, his opinion or even just to listen. Make sure you clearly communicate what you want up front. When you ask for something, make sure you are focused on future behavior (that he has control over) and not just complaining about his past behavior (which he cannot fix or control). If you put these tips together, your conversation might now start like this, "Honey, I would like to talk to you about something and I would say it's a 4. It will only take about 15 minutes and I just want you to listen to how I'm feeling and do one small specific thing differently moving forward. Is this a good time or when would be better?" When the time comes to have this conversation, follow the communication formula worksheet step by step. It would be amazing to reduce your misunderstandings from 40 out of every 200 to only three out of every 200, and Lund says that making sure you start this way and say exactly what you mean (using content communication from last week) can do that. Start practicing this with easy conversations about a topic that doesn't have too much negative emotion around it. Work your way up to the touchy subjects. You may even want to practice with visualization first. You can talk about anything if you come from trust and love instead of fear and it won't create conflict. It just takes practice. You can do this! Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.claritypointcoaching.com. Lisa Stirland is also a Claritypoint coach. You can learn more about John Lund at www.drlund.com. First Published on KSL.COM
Question: My wife and I really struggle with communication. We are so different in our communication styles and sometimes we just don't get each other. We've tried reading books and doing what they suggest, like reflective listening, but it still isn't working very well. Do you have some other suggestions to help us work through things better? Answer: Communication is a critical part of a good relationship, and it sounds like you've been working on it, which is the first step in the right direction. It might also help to know some of the differences in how men and women communicate and how to use what Dr. John Lund, therapist and author, calls "content communication," which helps eliminate misunderstandings. As you have probably noticed, women typically want to talk more than men, and that's why you may sometimes feel like you've reached your limit long before your wife is done. This is normal, and your wife should not feel like it's because you don't care or you're not interested. She needs to understand it's a guy thing. Lund says that communication signals involve much more than just words. We communicate with our body language, facial expression and tone of voice too. Men, on average, use 7,000 communication signals per day and women use 21,000 (see Pease, Alan and Barbara, "Why Men Don't Listen and Why Women Can't Read Maps," New York: Broadway Books, 2001). So it's no wonder that men hit their limit long before women do. By the time you're done, she's just getting started. Another way that men and women communicate differently is that efficiency of words is very important for men, but not so much for women. Lund has found that men tend to become impatient with inefficiency from other people, and then they start to finish sentences for others and interrupt. This is something you can be aware of when talking to you wife. It's also true that women interrupt, but for a different reason. They usually interrupt to add more detail which, by the way, men perceive as unnecessary. Does your wife ever feel like she has to pry information out of you? This could be because of your need for efficiency and her need for more detail. Also notice that when you talk, it's probably mostly about giving information and your wife will probably talk more about feelings and emotions as a way to process them. Neither is right or wrong, it's just something you both need to be aware of when trying to connect with each other. One last difference is something Lund calls personalization. You may have heard it said that men are good at compartmentalizing — taking all of the experiences throughout the day, putting each of them into separate compartments and not letting them mix together. Most women are not good at this. Personalization is when women make connections with all the information they process, and then they integrate this information and internalize it. Here's an example. Let's say you're having dinner with some friends (at their house) and you say to your wife, "Wow, this pie is really good, don't you think?" Because your wife personalizes, she's thinking, "He wants me to make pie like this." She has gone through an entire process of connecting your statement with a lot of her own thoughts and then applying it all to herself. If she had said the same thing to you, you probably would have thought, "Yep, good pie." This is also why you and your wife could have a small argument in the morning and you're OK with being intimate that night but she isn't. You have compartmentalized (it's two completely different situations) and she has internalized (the two situations get mixed together and affect each other). This tendency towards personalization sometimes means women see things that aren't really there. This is something we have to work on. We have to learn to step back and make sure what we are thinking is accurate. Now, think about a time when your wife asked you to go somewhere with her and your response was, "Yah sure" but your tone of voice was not very excited. Your wife is getting a mixed message because your communication signals (words and tone of voice) don't match up. So which one does she believe? We pay more attention to facial expressions and body language (55 percent) than to tone of voice (37 percent) or the actual words (8 percent) (see Smith, Dennis and Williamson, L. Keith, "Interpersonal Communication," Dubuque, Iowa: W.C. Brown Co., 1981). Your wife would probably assume that you didn't want to go because she believes your tone of voice more than your words. But it's still a guessing game, and we get it wrong a lot. This is where what Lund calls "content communication" comes in handy. It's really quite a simple idea. All you have to do is completely ignore all communication signals except for the actual words. This means that no matter how much your body language and tone of voice conflict with your words, we only believe your words. You and your wife would have to agree ahead of time to communicate this way. Lund, in his book "For All Eternity," says, "As content communicators, you must own your words and your feelings. Remember, you are under obligation to say what you mean and to be held accountable for your words." Through several studies he has done, he found that if we pay attention to all of the communication signals, we misunderstand each other at least 20 percent of the time. But if we use content communication, we misunderstand only three out of every 200 communications. One of my clients has tried this with her husband, and he loves it. He will ask if she wants to go to a movie and reminds her to use content communication — then he trusts that he's getting an honest answer. Changing the way you communicate is difficult because it's hard to override your subconscious habits and hold back your responses to body language and tone of voice. It is going to take some practice to get there, but I think this is a great place to start. Also make sure to download the validating conversations worksheet from our website. Couples who know how to have validating conversations can work through almost anything. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.claritypointcoaching.com. Lisa Stirland is also a Claritypoint coach. You can get more information about John Lund and his communication tips at www.drlund.com. First Published on KSL.COMQuestion:
I have a friend who is battling terrible depression, and I often say the wrong things. I want him to know I care and I’d like to help, but I don’t think I’m getting that across and often stick my foot in my mouth. Do you have any advice for how to show up for him better? What can I say to someone who is depressed that would help? Answer: To answer your question, I recruited help from one of my Claritypoint coaches, Greg Thredgold, who has suffered from depression for over 40 years. Thankfully, through the grace of God and a medical miracle, Greg has overcome depression and anxiety and found a passion for helping others deal with this terrifying, lonely and misunderstood disease. The tips in this article come from him. Just so you know, the number of people diagnosed with depression is increasing by 20 percent a year. “At this rate of increase, depression will be the 2nd most disabling condition behind heart disease in the world by 2020” — Seligman, M.E.P. (1990). This means, like it or not, depression will be affecting you or someone you care about soon. It would be good for all of us to have greater understanding and more compassion for those who are affected. Greg said, “The life of a depressed is a lonely hell with no hope in site. For 40 years I found myself walking on a tightrope between giving up and seeing how much more I could take. It is a life of often being ignored by family, friends, and others because they don’t know what to do or say.” Greg said that when well-meaning people would ask “How are you?” his responses were usually not the truth. He translated what certain responses from a depressed person really meant.
Obviously, a depressed person's world is darker than we realize. David Burns said: “Depression can seem worse than terminal cancer, because most cancer patients feel loved and have hope and self-esteem.” Greg said, “I was never looking for my family, friends, or others to have the perfect thing to say or do, and neither are the depressed people in your life. They just don’t want to be treated like a leper. When people don’t know what to do, they often do or say nothing. This means they are letting their fear of saying the wrong thing stop them from showing love at all. This is what you cannot do.” “When a depressed person says, ‘I’m fine,’ look them in the eye and say, ‘No you're not!’ then give them a hug, listen, and just be there. I am only here today because of the tender mercies of a few people who did just this.” He encourages us to reach out to those who are silently screaming for help and even when we feel uncomfortable, show love anyway. Is there anything we should NOT say to a depressed person?
What to say instead: “What can I do to help?”
What to say instead: “I think it’s great that you are trying to get better and working with your doctor. I’ve heard medication can really help some people.”
What to say instead: “I’m not going to abandon you, even if your depression frustrates me.”
What to say instead: “I have a hard time understanding depression. Is there a place I can go or a book I can read that will help me learn more about it?”
What to say instead: "I'm praying for you." Is there anything we could say to a depressed person that might help? “Most people never say anything and basically ignore us. I was so grateful to the people who at least talked to me even if they said the wrong thing. One very special person in my life took the time to ask this question. ‘I don’t know what to say or how to deal with you sometimes. I get scared that I will say the wrong thing. Can you please give me some suggestions on how I can best help you without making it worse?’ This was the only person, other than my immediate family, that ever asked that question, and it meant the world to me. Please take the time to ask this question of the depressed people in your life.” Depression is such a cruel punishment. There are no fevers, no rashes, no blood tests to send people scurrying in concern. Just the slow erosion of the self, as insidious as any cancer. And, like cancer, it is essentially a solitary experience. A room in hell with only your name on the door. -- author unknown “If you have never experienced depression, you cannot possibly understand what it’s like and you might not have the right words, but trust me, just being there is enough. When I was in the depths of depression, there was never a long line of people at the door wanting to help me. But everyone that did was an angel sent from above regardless of what was said or how it was said. Sometimes they said nothing and just listened, which literally saved me at times.” On top of the chemical depression, your friend also deals with shame and fear that he is inadequate and even inferior to you because he struggles with this. He needs to know that you see his value accurately, as the same as yours and everyone else’s. We all struggle with a fear we aren’t good enough, but this is magnified a hundred times in a depressed person. You might want to remind him that depression is a class (a really hard class) he got signed up for (here in the classroom of life) but it doesn’t affect his value at all. You might tell him he is an amazingly strong soul and you admire his strength to keep fighting through it. If you are interested in learning more about Greg’s battle with depression and download the do's and don'ts of depression, visit his website and take the fear assessment. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a coach and speaker. This was first published on KSL.COM
Question: There is a manager I have to deal with in my office who is driving me crazy. She creates problems out of thin air and blames them on me. She sometimes attacks me with ridiculous accusations. I’m apparently the only one with a target on my back, so no one can validate what I’m experiencing. I really don’t know what to do. I can’t leave this job and I can’t have a rational conversation with her because she denies it all. Any advice? Answer: This advice would apply to anyone who has to work (or live) with someone they don’t like and struggle to get along with. We all experience people problems, therefore learning to cope with difficult people is an important life skill. The famous author J.G. Holland said, “The secret of many a man's success in the world resides in his insight into the moods of men and his tact in dealing with them.” Here are nine tips for coping with the difficult people in your life: 1) Understand most bad behavior is based in the difficult person’s fear about themselves. Even when they are attacking you or casting you as the bad guy, they wouldn’t be doing this if they weren’t so scared of looking bad or being taken from. Everyone on this planet is scared of failure (looking bad) and loss (being taken from) to some degree, and these two fears are behind most bad behavior. Step back from every situation and ask yourself, “What is this person scared of?” This manager obviously sees you as a threat in some way. Why? Understanding her fear issues will help you with the next tip …. 2) Don’t take it personally. Just because she is blaming you and casting you as the bad guy doesn’t mean you have to take it, pick it up and own it. You don’t even have to be upset by it. You could let it bounce off you and deny her actions any power to hurt, diminish or bother you. You don’t have to attend every argument you are invited to. There is an old legend that a man started insulting and verbally abusing Buddha. Buddha let the man go on for a while, then asked, “May I ask you a question?” The man responded, ‘What?” “If someone offers you a gift and you decline to accept it, who does it belong to?” The man said, “Then it belongs to the person who offered it. He must keep it.” “That is correct. “ And with that Buddha walked away. 3) Look for the lesson. I recently taught the principle of not taking things personally to a corporate group. One of the "difficult to work with" employees in the group immediately latched onto the idea of not taking things personally to excuse herself from being responsible for her bad behavior. She basically decided to dismiss anyone who had a problem with her. This wasn’t what I meant. When people attack you, complain about you, or are upset over your behavior, you had better step back and check this feedback for accuracy. In a place of trust, seeing life as a classroom, not a test, where your value isn’t in question, you should step back and look at any and all feedback to see if there is truth behind it. Make sure you are mindful of how your behavior affects others. This experience is in your life to teach you something. What is it showing you about yourself? The easiest thing to change in any situation is you. Is there any way you could behave differently to improve this situation? 4) Try to see the situation from the other person’s perspective. What is going on in their world? Are they dealing with a family issue, a divorce or health problems? Are they struggling with their job or clashing with the boss and taking it out on you? If you can put yourself in their shoes, you may gain some compassion and clarity about what’s really going on. Then you might see a way to help them and solve the issue for you both. 5) Don’t react impulsively. An emotional reaction when you are annoyed never produces the best results. Give it a little time and space to make sure you see the situation accurately and are not coming from fear before you say or do anything. But don’t let the problem fester too long, either. It’s better to tackle bad behavior sooner than to dig up something that happened weeks ago. 6) Stop talking about it. If you are talking about this difficult person with everyone who will listen, you are adding negative energy to the problem. Check why you feel the need to do this. Are you doing this to get validation or feel important? Consider focusing on finding solutions instead of gossiping. 7) Treat this person with respect and kindness even if they don’t deserve it. This is the best approach because they will never expect it! Kindness may actually throw them off their game completely. Nothing changes a negative situation faster than refusing to participate in it. It takes two to fight. Look for good in this person and compliment them often. Dig deep and find something in this person to appreciate and be grateful for. The more you thank them for good behavior, the more they will behave that way toward you. Kindness will make it very hard for them to treat you badly in the future. 8) Have a mutually validating conversation. If you decide you must have a conversation with this person about their behavior, follow these steps for best results:
You have more power to change this situation than you think, but a scared, angry, victim mentality will rob you of that power. Your power comes by choosing to act from a place of strength, fearlessness, wisdom and love. You can do this! Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and is a coach, speaker and corporate trainer. First published on KSL.com
Question: My husband is very sarcastic and I have struggled to know how to cope with his sarcastic remarks. Some of my hurt comes from fear that he is actually feeling what he says and that sarcasm is his passive-aggressive way to convey what he really feels. I have a hard time deciphering what is joking versus what is real when he talks. I have tried to talk to him about it, but he says I need to lighten up. I'm trying to combat it from within but need a little bit more of a boost. Can you help with this? Answer: You may want to ask your spouse to read this article because once he understands why he is sarcastic, he may be more motivated to change it. Oscar Wilde said “Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.” This is because sarcastic comments, though humorous, are usually passive-aggressive, mean and uncomfortable for the people receiving them. The dictionary defines sarcasm as “the use of irony to mock or convey contempt; a sharply ironical taunt; sneering or cutting remark.” None of these sound like validating communication to me. If you use sarcasm you must ask yourself, what are you trying to accomplish with your communication? What kind of relationship do you want? Are you striving to be funny at the expense of others? Or do you want to build relationships of trust and love? Do you care how other people feel? Or are you only interested in entertaining yourself? Sarcastic people often see teasing as tough love and believe people should be able to handle it. They also think saying “just kidding” after a sarcastic remark makes it OK, even if it hurts. They usually see themselves as funny people, even if they are the only ones laughing. In reality, sarcastic people usually have a fear problem. (I know some of you aren’t convinced yet, that every problem is a fear problem, but keep looking at it because it’s true.) They are usually battling either a fear of not being good enough (the fear of failure) or the fear of being taken from (the fear of loss). They need to step back and figure out why they need to be sarcastic. Here are some common reasons you might be sarcastic: 1. You fear you aren’t good enough, so you subconsciously put others down so you can feel superior.The worse you feel about yourself the more biting your remarks toward others could be. Insecure people have to put others down or tease them, in order to feel important and of value themselves. If this is your issue you may need some professional help to improve your self-worth. 2. Sarcasm is also a way of asking for what you want when you are scared to ask for it directly. You might crack a joke about your wife’s crazy shoes because you don’t know how to just say you don’t like them. But your sarcastic remark leaves your wife unsure about what you really think. Were you joking or serious? If you don’t know how to say things in a way that won’t hurt, you make a joke, which usually still hurts, but creates a space where if she takes offense, it’s her problem. If this is your issue, you need to improve your communication skills. 3. Sarcasm may be passive-aggressive anger. This happens because you feel taken from, insulted or annoyed by this person and you really want to take a jab at them. Sarcasm is a way to take a jab without being seen as mean. A joke absolves you of responsibility for their feelings. If this is your issue, you need to learn how to resolve the issue you are angry about. 4. You may feel angry at life for the disappointments or abuse you have suffered. Sarcasm can be a way to take out your anger toward life or vent your frustration. The more life does you wrong, the more biting your remarks toward others could be. If this is your issue you need to learn how to use your life experiences to make you better not bitter. 5. If you were teased in a cruel way, put down or made to feel inferior as a child, you may be subconsciously trying to get the upper hand now. You may look down on others and jokingly strike at them as a way to feel superior and powerful. Again, you may need some help to improve your self-esteem so you can show up with love. 6. You like to get attention by entertaining those around you with humor. You probably need this attention to validate your worth. You need this attention so badly you will do it at the expense of other people. Fear creates subconsciously selfish behavior, but this can be fixed. There are lots of way to be funny without hurting other people. Just take a minute, if you are the sarcastic person, and honestly ask yourself if any of these issues could be behind your sarcastic comments. John Haiman, a linguist at Malcalester College says “People who use sarcasm are rarely kidding. The words come from an authentic place, but it’s wrapped up as a joke for protection. Essentially, sarcasm is a survival technique for the insecure. It’s used to make yourself appear stronger and better, but it’s not said with enough seriousness for anyone to accuse you of being a jerk.” You may need to practice “think before you speak." This means checking yourself before you make a comment. Is it... true, helpful, inspiring, necessary and kind. You can be funny all you want, but if you do it at the expense of other people there will be consequences. People will not feel safe with you or like you. If the people on the receiving end of your sarcasm are your friends and family this cost will be high. If you are living with a sarcastic person here are a couple suggestions for dealing with it:
You must also continue to work on feeling bulletproof, no matter what anyone does or says. As you become stronger your husband will be forced to see his own insecurities for what they are. I hope he will be open to changing, but either way you can be happy and feel good about yourself. Just keep reminding yourself that his comments can't diminish you. Your value is absolute. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular coach and speaker. Question:
My spouse and I have struggled with marriage problems for years and years. I have begged to go to therapy or counseling but my spouse refuses to let anyone know we are struggling and not perfect. It’s like she would rather get divorced than admit we need help. What can I do? Why are people so reluctant to ask for help? Answer: I’m so glad you asked this question. Just last week, Matt Townsend and I were discussing why so many couples wait until their marriages are hanging by a thread before they seek professional help. At this point awful things have been said and done, and it’s much more difficult to repair the relationship. It breaks our hearts that they don’t ask for help sooner. If you would seek out help at the first sign of trouble, repairing the relationship would be a hundred times easier and you could save yourself years of suffering. If you didn't do that, the best time to ask for help is today. Ask your spouse if she would be open to at least read this article and consider changing her mind. People are reluctant to admit they need help because somewhere in the course of their life they picked up an inaccurate idea (policy) around what it means to ask for help. Here are some common fear-based policies they might have learned in childhood. See if any of them sound familiar:
Refusing to ask for help can also create isolation and make you come across as arrogant. You are literally putting yourself above other people (the mere mortals who need help from other people). You are giving power to the idea that we should all be perfect from the beginning instead of struggling students in the classroom of life. The truth is, we are students in the classroom of life. We are works in progress who at no point are ever going to be perfect and have it all figured out and not need any help from anyone else. There is no such thing as independence. We are all interdependent here. We all serve each other as teachers and students. There is no shame in being the student on occasion. It is what you are meant to be. Learning is what you are here for. Have I shared with you my favorite definition for the word SHAME? It is an acronym — Should Have Already Mastered Everything. How ridiculous is that? You can’t know everything and be an expert at every dimension of living. That isn't possible. You must learn to be honest, genuine and vulnerable and admit you need help once in awhile. You must also remember that doing this does not affect your value. Your value is infinite and absolute (it is not changeable or on the line because life is a classroom, not a test). This means that whether you ask for help or not, your value is the same. When you really understand this principle, it will take the fear of looking bad off the table. You will stop worrying about what others think and focus on learning and growing instead. What you really want is to be a strong, wise person, right? But strong, wise people aren’t those who are trying to impress others with their perfectness. People who are trying to impress are actually terribly afraid they aren’t good enough, which is why they feel they have to impress. They think they must pretend to be perfect to even have value. Real strong and wise people don’t need to pretend anything because they know their value is infinite either way. Real strong, wise people are basically fearless. This means they have no fear of doing anything (or at least they know how to choose this mindset in any situation), which means they can ask for help, be vulnerable and even look stupid, and none of these experiences change how they feel about themselves. Their value is the same regardless of what anyone thinks of them. Strong people ask for help because they understand that in being real enough to admit they don’t know it all, they give other people permission to be imperfect (and still have infinite value) too. They make other people feel more accepted and honored despite their faults. We all like people who are genuine and not trying to impress us. Asking for help in front of your children is the only way to teach your children they have nothing to fear by asking questions and admitting they didn’t know it all. And this is a lesson you want your children to learn. Don’t pass on inaccurate fear-based policies to your kids. Here are some ways you can ease into asking for help (and being more strong and wise):
You can do it! Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "CHOOSING CLARITY: The Path to Fearlessness." She offers free coaching calls every Tuesday night. Question:
I loved your article about manipulation, but you mentioned that good personal boundaries are important in a healthy relationship. Could you explain that in more detail? What do good personal boundaries look like? How do I know if my relationship is healthy? Answer: I am so glad you asked this question, because a lot of people have boundary issues, especially if at any time in your childhood you experienced abuse (of any kind), teasing or any other experience forced upon you. You may subconsciously feel that you can’t say no, set limits or demand better treatment. You may feel you have to take what you get. You may have lost your voice. When this happens, you may accept inappropriate behavior from others. You may allow someone to make decisions for you. You may feel forced into situations you don’t want to be in. You may have trouble saying no. You may betray your own needs to get approval or love. The problem is that your weak boundaries don't make people love you, they make people lose respect for you. So, you must constantly evaluate your relationships to make sure they are healthy. Is there room in this relationship for both parties to be themselves and be honored as individuals? Deborah Day said, “Evaluating the benefits and drawbacks of any relationship is your responsibility. You do not have to passively accept what is brought to you. You can choose.” I second this. You should never feel stuck with what you are getting. If you aren’t happy, it is your responsibility to explore those feelings and figure out what’s not working for you. You may need to create some healthy boundaries (limits or rules) to protect yourself from unacceptable behavior. Brainstorm each of these four ideas on a piece of scratch paper and come up with some rules that would honor your rights and needs. Think about ways you have been hurt in the past. What rules might have protected you? (I have included some example boundaries — but you must brainstorm the boundaries needed in your situation.) People may not …
You can go overboard with boundaries though and get overly protective of yourself. This is also unhealthy in relationships. If your entire focus is on protecting yourself, you won’t give enough love to keep your relationship alive. We are going for balance. Remember, enforcing boundaries is not about saying you are more important that other people. It is about saying you are as important as other people. You only expect to be treated the way you will also treat others. This is about giving and taking. It is about respecting and caring for yourself and your partner too. In a healthy relationship both parties have varied interests and give each other room to be who they are. They honor and respect each other’s opinions, even when they are different. Good boundaries prevent you from becoming too dependent on (or melded into) the other person. You want the person in your life, because you care about and respect that person, but you don’t need him or her. In a healthy relationship, you don’t depend on the other person for your self-esteem. If you have low self-esteem, and do not have a clear sense of “who you are” and your infinite absolute value, you will often let other people define you, determine your interests, and even your thoughts and emotions. If you struggle with low self-esteem, being pushed around or walked on, you may need to do some work with a coach or counselor to get your power back. Becoming a stronger person with good boundaries will either be the end of your unhealthy relationship or the beginning of a more healthy one. A healthy partner will respect (and even like) your independence and confidence. This is the bottom line, “You determine your value and teach the world how to treat you.” If you don’t protect, defend and care for yourself, you will attract people into your life who don’t do those things either. Real love has to start with a love for self. If you don’t love yourself, then you aren’t capable of a healthy relationship. That is why the best thing you can do for your relationship is to work on you. Hope that brings some clarity. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a life coach and speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem. |
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AuthorKimberly Giles is the president and founder of Claritypoint Life Coaching and 12 SHAPES INC. She is an author and professional speaker. She was named one of the top 20 advice gurus in the country by Good Morning America in 2010. She appears regularly on local and national TV and Radio. Archives
March 2022
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