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Question: I struggle knowing how to best motivate my husband to exercise. I find him attractive, but I'm concerned for his future health and I admit I also want to be attracted physically to him as we grow older. He has been willing to work out occasionally throughout our marriage, he even trained for and ran a marathon, but his body doesn't seem to change a whole lot. I've encouraged him to try different workouts and push himself, but he just gets mad at me for saying anything. I wish he would catch fire with diet and exercise, just because he wants me to be more attracted to him. Your advice would be very appreciated. I know I’m probably shallow and need to change myself, but is there anyway to motivate someone else to change too? Answer: There are a couple ways you can motivate your spouse to lose weight, but before you try them, you must first step back and look at the story you are telling yourself about his weight. There is definitely a lesson here for you. (Whenever something about someone else is bugging you, it's a sign you have some changing to do too.) It sounds like you have created a story that says “I will only be happy if my spouse loses weight,” meaning you will be unhappy if he doesn’t. You have created a story, which attaches your happiness to an outcome. This is a problem. One of the most powerful things Buddha said is, “It is your resistance to what is that causes your suffering.” This means when you wish things were different than they are, you are creating optional misery that doesn’t have to be there. This is truth because everything you experience is nothing more than perspective. No situation means anything (nor has any power to affect how you feel in any way) until you give it that power. Reality is objective. It is what it is and it means nothing and does nothing. Your husband has genes that make him a larger person. That is the objective reality. This situation cannot make you unhappy now or in the future. It’s the story you have created around the situation that determines how you feel. You’ve created a story that says you can only be attracted to a thinner person and if your spouse doesn’t work out and get thinner you won’t be attracted and therefore happy, but that isn’t necessarily true. Whether you are happy or unhappy (in any moment) is a matter of choice and focus in that moment. It has little to do with your situation. We know this because in every single moment of your life you will have reasons to be unhappy and reasons to be happy. You will have things you don’t like and you will have things you are grateful for. There will be people who have it worse than you and others who have it better. These conditions will always exist in every moment. It is the nature of life. The question is, what story are you telling yourself right now? Are you telling yourself a victim story about how bad you have it? Are you telling yourself a fear story about how bad the future might be? Are you telling yourself a shame story about how inadequate you are? You will be a lot happier if you live in the objective present, stop creating misery stories and focus on what is right in your life. Stop worrying about how you are going to feel about your husband in the future. Choose to feel good about your life right now. Look at all the things that are right in your life and marriage, and focus on those. Create a story about how wonderful it is to be married to a person who has your spouse’s good qualities. Fill out the Nature of Life worksheet on my website, it will help you focus on what’s right instead of what’s wrong. If you are still struggling with control over your mindset, I strongly encourage you to find a coach or counselor who can help you. If you want to have a better marriage and better intimacy, I can tell you exactly how to create that right now. Build your spouse up and tell him constantly how amazing and wonderful he is. Never make him feel he disappoints you on any level. The more admired, respected, appreciated and wanted you make him feel, the more he will love and adore you. This kind of loving behavior is what will create real happiness, connection and great intimacy — much more than weight loss will. If you are really worried about your spouse's health and you feel you must talk to him about his weight, make sure it is a love-motivated conversation, not a fear-motivated one. If you approach him because you are afraid you aren’t going to be attracted to him when he’s older, that’s fear. Fear is selfishness (it’s about you) and your spouse will feel this and will immediately feel the need to protect himself. Fear breeds fear and selfishness. You can't approach your spouse from this place and expect a good outcome. If you approach him because you want him to be healthy, strong and happy, and you are coming from nothing but love, he will feel this and the conversation will go better. Spend a lot of time validating him and telling him how wonderful he is first, though. These kinds of conversations trigger anyone’s deepest fear — the fear of failure that they might not be good enough. They will need a great deal of validation to go with your advice. Follow the Mutually Validating Conversations Worksheet on my website to have this conversations in a validating way. Do more asking questions and listening than talking. Find out what he wants, what his fears and concerns are and what kind of support he wants. No matter what he says, don’t let your fears come into this. You have nothing to fear. Ask how you could support him to get healthier so you can have an amazing life together. Be his support and cheerleader, not his critic or coach. Then, make sure if he tries to make changes you mention everything he is doing right and give him lots of positive encouragement along the way. Especially compliment who he is, his dedication and strength — not just what he looks like. Most importantly, choose to be happy and grateful for what’s right in your life in every moment. It is the real secret to happiness. You can do this.
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This article was first published on ksl.com
Question 1: My wife seems unwilling or unable to find mutually acceptable solutions when we disagree over doing something. She insists she deserves to have things her way and expects me to buy in to her view, and give up any desire for how I would like things done. What is going on here and how do I respond? Question 2: When my spouse asks for my opinion or input on things he doesn't seem to really want it. Unless I am totally gung-ho for his idea or plan, he gets upset and says I never listen to him, even when he has specifically asked what I think. Then, he pulls away and acts like I've done something horrible, that I need to apologize or make up for something. When he acts this way, I feel completely discounted, ignored and un-valued. I also feel betrayed when he asks what I think and then gets angry at me for telling him. My choices seem to be to go along with what he thinks and act excited and don't offer my own opinion, which seems like selling myself out and ensuring that my input/ideas are never part of our plans. Or, continue to answer honestly and get blamed and punished for doing so. I feel trapped and uncertain of how to do things so that there is a better outcome. Answer: Both of you are having what looks like communication problems in your marriage, but the underlying reason you can’t communicate with your spouses is that there are fear of failure issues (the fear of not being good enough) in the way. Let me explain this by giving you a couple of principles of human behavior. When you understand these principles, your spouse's behavior will make more sense. Principle 1: Most of us attach our value as a person to our thoughts, ideas and opinions. This means if people value our thoughts, ideas and opinions and agree with us, we feel validated and valued. If someone disagrees with us, we mistakenly feel they don’t value us as a person. This causes us pain because it triggers our fear of failure. Principle 2: When someone is experiencing fear of failure on the conscious or subconscious level, they become completely focused on themselves and on getting validation and reassurance to quiet their fear. In this place they feel threatened, which will make them selfish, defensive and unable to listen to or show up for you. Principle 3: Everyone on the planet suffers from the fear of failure to some degree on a daily basis. This fear is the root cause of most bad behavior. Whenever someone is behaving in a defensive way, you should step back and see them accurately as scared. You must recognize that what they need is validation and reassurance. You can use these principles to help you handle conversations with your spouse in a better way. The next time your spouse gets defensive because you don’t agree with them, try the following steps:
We also expect our spouse to sacrifice themselves for us, and when they aren’t willing to do that (because their needs are important, too) we cast them as the bad guy, which makes us feel like the good guy temporarily, helping our own fear of failure. But you must understand that expecting your spouse to sacrifice for you and making them responsible for your self-esteem is not love. Continual sacrifice is about scarcity, lack and deprivation, and it breeds resentment and guilt. Instead, we must allow our spouse to have a healthy balance between honoring their own needs and giving gifts of love to us (which are no sacrifice because they are happily given as gifts). If my spouse cannot give me a gift of love in this moment and give me my way, that has to be immediately forgiven, because I understand I will do the same thing at times. If you want to have a happy marriage, you both must work on your self-esteem and fear issues so you can be less needy and more giving. I have many free resources on my website to help you do this, including a "Repair your Marriage" E-book that would really help, and my book "Choosing Clarity" can guide you through eliminating the fear of failure and teach you how to have mutually validating conversations. Remember, your value is not in question because life is a classroom, not a test. This means you need no validation from your spouse. God is the author of your value and because of this, you have nothing to fear. You need nothing from your spouse because God meets all your needs. This attitude will create a healthy relationship based in real love. You can do this. Coach Kim is speaking at the LDS Know our Religion Lecture Series on Jan 6th on "How the Gospel Can Fix Your Self-Esteem Problems (Instead of Adding to Them)" click here and call for tickets. Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular life coach, speaker and people skills expert. Question:
I just read your article on KSL about having a victim mentality. What would you recommend to someone who has a spouse with this victim mindset? The problem is that it terrifies our young kids, and the older ones have seen the behavior so often that they are jaded against it. This probably is making things worse because it makes her believe that truly nobody cares when, in fact, they just realize that there is nothing they can say or do to make things right. My wife stonewalls any effort to communicate about this. I have suggested counseling in the past, but she refuses to acknowledge that she has a problem. How do you help someone break this cycle? Answer: This is tricky because it’s impossible to change or fix other individuals until they decide they are ready (and want) to change, and she really does need some professional help to change how she is feeling, seeing things and behaving. Here are a few things you can do to get her ready and open to changing:
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Question: Help! I read your article about Not Being a Drama Queen and I have a small business full of women that are driving me crazy with drama and fighting. They are constantly against each other and offending each other. I tried to talk with them but it is getting so out of control. Please help me get them back on track and focused on work. Thank you. I am one stressed-out boss. Answer: As the boss, you need to think about creating a more positive corporate culture at work. Corporate culture is not just for big companies by the way, it exists in every company (of every size) whether you officially have one or not. If you don’t define a corporate culture, you will inadvertently create one that is based on you and your employees’ subconscious tendencies, attitudes and reactions. It sounds like the culture you have now is a negative, critical and angry one. I recommend that you take some time and define your core values and principles on paper. Decide what kind of positive atmosphere you want to create at work. How do you want people to be treated? How do you want conflicts handled? What kind of behavior do you expect from your employees toward each other? I believe that if you hire people, buy from people, sell to people or serve people (or deal with any other human beings at any level at all) in your business, you need a defined corporate culture that includes policies about people and how they are to be treated, both customers and co-workers. The way employees treat each other is an often overlooked aspect of business. Most of our policies tend to focus on the delivery of the goods and services. They are more about processes than relationships and behavior. If you will expand your policies to include attitude, communication and interaction with each other, it will create better working environment and more productivity. Studies have shown that the average employee wastes around 2.5 hours a week dealing with office drama and people problems. If you taught your people better relationships skills and made policies about the human behavior part of your company culture, you could increase productivity and make work better for everyone. We find companies that encourage (and even provide) opportunities for personal growth and development, improving relationship skills or executive coaching, just do better on every level. They are more successful, make more money and retain employees much longer. Investing in coaching, training, seminars or workshops for your people has a huge return on investment. In the meantime, work on defining your core values and policies around human behavior. Then, put them up where everyone will see them, talk about them often, and live them by example. You may also need to start hiring people that believe in these values and are committed to living them. Make sure following the company’s core values and codes of human behavior are part of each person’s job description and that dishonoring the core values may lead to losing their job. Here are some questions and suggestions to get you started creating a better corporate culture in your small business: 1. What are the principles and core values that are important to you at work? Here are some ideas: do you value honesty, compassion, work ethic, personal responsibility, respect, creativity, optimism, service, integrity or tolerance? Make a list of all the core values that are important to you. 2. Take an honest inventory of your own behavior and attitudes. Are you living the core values yourself? How can you lead by example and walk the walk, not just talk the talk? Make some specific commitments to improve your own behavior. 3. How do you believe people should be treated at work? What policies could you create to encourage that kind of treatment? Many of the companies I work with use policies like the following:
5. Do you have a policy about honoring commitments and doing what you say you’re going to do? What should this policy include so everyone is accountable for their own performance. What is your procedure for handling poor performance? Make sure you have one. 6. Do you listen to others? Will you take the time to hear their opinions and show them they are valued? Is this important to you? We think this is one of the most important things you can do as the boss. If you are willing to listen to your people they will feel valued and respected, and they will work harder. 7. Are you on time and do you respect others? Is being on time or treating people right a company value? You could institute a program where employees can submit names of other employees who are doing a great job or treating them right for a reward. Encourage good behavior by rewarding and recognizing it. These are just a few ideas to get you started. I encourage you to start defining policies, procedures, and core values for your small company right away and start instituting them by living them yourself. If you struggle trying to figure out what your policies should be or are struggling to live them yourself, you may want to hire an executive coach or consultant to help you. You may also consider bringing in some outside people skills training for your employees, sometimes people respond better to outside expert. Start there and let me know how it goes. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and an executive coach and corporate trainer. This was first published on ksl.com
Question: I support gay marriage but my spouse is very against it. Every time the topic comes up, which is often, we end up in an argument. At first we agreed to just never talk about it, but that is proving hard to do. We both feel strongly about our position and we get emotional and angry. We really wish we were on the same page on this. It’s driving a wedge in our marriage. I hate that he sees me as wrong and he hates that I see him as homophobic and mean. Do you have any advice on this? What do you do when you fundamentally disagree at a core level with the person you love most? Answer: This question may benefit all of us, because your marriage is just a microcosm of our society right now. Both sides of this issue have strong opinions and emotions are running high. Maybe it would help if we all learned how to appreciate each other, honor our differences, and respect those who disagree with us. I believe life is a classroom (you hear me say that often) but I believe this classroom was specifically designed to teach us how to love ourselves and other people at a higher level. In order for us to stretch and learn to love at a higher level, God made us all different. God could have made us all the same race, color, size and sexual orientation, but that would have made accepting each other way too easy. What’s the challenge in that? Instead people come in many different sizes, shapes, colors, races and sexual orientation. I believe these differences were intentional, they are here for a reason — so we get the opportunity to learn to love those who are different, which is more difficult to do. Differences give us all kinds of challenges to overcome and grow from. Every experience, issue, difference and disagreement is a lesson to teach you love, though. I believe this is especially true in your marriage. This unique relationship can teach you things you can’t learn anywhere else, because your spouse can push your buttons better than anyone else. Your marriage is your perfect classroom. On top of that, sexual orientation is a tough difference to process for many people, because they just can’t get their head around it or understand it. These types of differences can also cause us to lump whole groups of people into “them” groups opposed to “us” groups and subconsciously see them as the bad guys or the wrong ones. We literally see “these people” and everyone on “their side” as the enemy at the subconscious level. They are the enemy because either they are wrong or I am. Both can’t be right. So your question is really, "How do I genuinely love my enemies and those who strongly disagree with me and see me as wrong?" Here are some things you can do (and we all can do) to stop the fighting and increase our compassion and tolerance for others:
You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a life coach and speaker. This article was first published on KSL.COM
Question: My biggest complaint about my family and my job is a lack of appreciation. My spouse and children completely take for granted everything I do for them. They just assume I will always do everything for them, and my needs don’t seem to matter. I feel the same way at work too. I do more than anyone else, yet people act like I’m not important. Is it me? What can I do to feel more appreciated for all I do and give? All I want is my sacrifices to be noticed and appreciated. Answer: The real question here is "Do they really not appreciate you, or do you just not feel appreciated?" If you have insecurities and low self-esteem, no matter what they do or say, it won’t be enough to fill your empty bucket. You will never feel appreciated. The truth is, other people cannot convince you that you have value. When I hear you say “All I want is my sacrifices to be noticed and appreciated,” I think what you are really saying is that you need your value validated. You need someone to fill your bucket, and that means it is probably empty. This tells me you are coming from a place of low self-esteem. The problem is, the only person who can fill your bucket and keep it full is you. If you continue to make other people responsible for your self-esteem and filling your bucket, which basically has a hole in it because of your negative beliefs about yourself, they will resent it and this will feel a lot like un-appreciation. If I am wrong and you already have good self-esteem and the people in your life still don’t appreciate you, then one of two things is happening. Either you are surrounded (on all sides) by people who are selfish and focused their needs, which is highly unlikely. Or you are still giving and serving with a (possibly subconscious) sense of neediness, entitlement or obligation behind it, and this is making people ungrateful. For example, if you feel entitled to gratitude and expect something back from your gifts, this makes your gifts about getting what you need, not giving to them and no one appreciates these kinds of gifts. Since I’m not sure what is happening in your situation, I’m going to tell you how to solve all these problems. If you will work on these six things, I promise the people in your life will respond with more gratitude.
I promise, the fastest way to change other people is to change yourself. When you change YOU, and choose to live from love instead of fear and lack, they cannot respond to you the way the same way. Give more love to yourself and others, focus less on your fear, and this situation will change. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular speaker on people skills www.speakerkimgiles.com This was first published on KSL.com
Question: I just found out that my teenage son is viewing pornography with his friends. I am so upset about this I can't sleep or eat, but I am really nervous about bringing it up because I'm pretty sure he will just deny it and get mad at me. Do you have any tips on how to handle a conversation about this the right way and how I can protect my son? Answer: First of all, don't put it off any longer. You must start having conversations about pornography with all your school-aged children and doing it often. Studies are showing that because of smartphones, children are being exposed to pornography as early as 7 years old at school. So, it must become a topic that is addressed often with all your kids.Read this KSL article to learn more. Second, don’t panic and react to this problem emotionally. When you react, you will always do so from a place of fear instead of love. It is very important (especially when dealing with your children) that your response be based in love and wisdom, not fear. I'd like to share with you a process (we teach our coaching clients) for finding the most appropriate response to any problem or situation. I think it would be helpful here.
Any response that is emotional and includes yelling at or berating someone is a fear-based response. Fear-based responses don't work, because they are selfish, disrespectful and focused on making you feel better, not giving your child what he needs. They also tend to cast the other person as a "bad person" or "less than" you, which will make them feel unloved and unvalued. Also, if you respond with fear, your child will miss the lesson completely, because all his attention will be on one thing only — the fact that he has a mean parent. You must choose a love-based response that keeps the focus on your child and the lesson. This response must come without judgment and make him feel loved and valued. Remember, your teen is not a bad person because he has been viewing pornorgraphy. He is a normal person who has been exposed to porn because of a very natural curiosity. What he needs is some education about why this could hurt him and his life down the road. Here are some of your options in this case: 1) You can let him know you are really disappointed in him and get quiet and cold towards him for a while, to get the point across, which will basically shame him. This is an immature, manipulative, fear-based response. Your cold shoulder will make it very clear that you see him as worse than you, and this kind of behavior will destroy any connection you had. It is also a selfish, disrespectful approach, which sends a message loud and clear that your love is conditional. 2) You can get angry, blow up, yell, take away privileges, lecture, or respond emotionally. This kind of response is, again, all about your fears. I know you are scared. You are afraid that your child will get into trouble, stray from the right path in life or become a bad person — and all of this would reflect badly on you. But if you make this about you and your fear, your child will resent you for it. This kind of response will again take the focus off the issue (that he is curious about sex and looking for answers) and again make it all about mean parents. You will also remain in the dark about what is really going on with your child, because this response creates a place where your child will not feel comfortable talking to you about his thoughts and feelings and why this happened in the first place. The other problem with taking away privileges and punishing him is that it won’t stop the behavior. If he wants to look at pornography, he will have many opportunities to do so when you aren’t around. So trying to force good behavior won’t really work. You must handle this in a way that will help him decide this behavior isn’t right for himself so he won’t do it, even when you aren’t there. 3) You could have a mutually validating conversation with him. If you don't know how to do this, there is aworksheet on my website that explains the steps. Basically this is a conversation where both parties end up feeling valued, respected and heard. Before you have this conversation, you must check your fears at the door and make sure your focus is on listening and validating him first. You must also make a conscious decision to see him as the same as you — a struggling, scared but divine, amazing human being in process, learning and growing every day. You must not come from a place of judgment and see him as less than you. You must give him permission to be human, make mistakes and be less than perfect and still deserve your love and respect. Then, you must spend some time asking questions and listening to him (as much as he will talk to you). You can learn important things about your child when you create a safe space where they can share their real thoughts with you. To do this you must come from a place without judgment and listen more than you talk. You must ask questions about what he thinks and feels about porn and his experiences with it, and just listen. You must make sure the number one goal of this conversation is making sure he knows you love him unconditionally, value him and think he is an amazing and good person. The secondary goal will be sharing your thoughts about porn and why it's a problem. But you must put love and understanding first or it won't work. You might ask him questions about his curiosity and let him know that is normal. You can ask him what he thinks about porn and why it might be dangerous. Ask if he understands how it could affect his relationships later in life. The more questions you ask — which give him the opportunity to express exactly what you were going to tell him anyway — the better. After you have really listened to him and he feels loved, you could ask if he would be open to hearing your concerns about porn. You can explain why you don’t view it, how it can change the way you see girls and why that's a problem, how it creates unrealistic expectations around sex and can even become addictive. This is your chance to share your values and why you have decided to live the way you do. There is a great blog post about the long-term effects of pornography that may help you understand what to teach your child. You must help your son see why he should not want to view pornography. You cannot protect him because you will not always be around. He has to understand the dangers and decide to protect himself. I realize that the love-based approach I described above requires a great deal of maturity, wisdom, love and compassion — but you can do it. You can set aside your fears around this and talk to him from love. If you do this, he may handle it better than you think. If he does react in anger, understand it is his shame and pain talking. Let it go and don't take it personally. It's not about you. Just keep telling him you love him no matter what, believe in him, and are here if he ever wants to talk. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a life coach and speaker. This article was first published on KSL.COM
Question: My husband and I have been married about two years and we simply cannot talk about money without it ending in a fight. He gets very angry if I bring up my concerns about our spending habits, but we can't keep going like we are. How do I get him to talk to me about money without him getting angry and attacking me? Answer: Almost everyone fights about money on occasion, because it is a topic that brings out both the fear of loss (the fear of losing money or losing control) and the fear of failure (the fear of making mistakes or not being good enough) and when you or your spouse is functioning from fear, you will tend to be selfish, reactive and unkind. You must understand your spouse gets upset when you try to talk about money, because he's scared or feels threatened in some way. He may be afraid this conversation is going to end with him looking bad or feeling like a failure. Or he may feel you are trying to take from him at some level. In order to change the way you communicate about money, you must get clear about the specific fears money triggers in each of you. If you understand what he fears, you will also understand what he needs. Figure the answers to these questions first: What does money represent to you? And what does it represent to your spouse? Here are some ideas about what money represents. See if these are true for either of you.
Then, figure out what each of you are afraid of when it comes to money. Here are some possibilities:
I recommend that you and your husband go over these questions in detail by yourself and then together as a couple. Get really honest about what triggers your fear and what kind of bad behavior you are prone to when these fears show up. Understand that men, especially, have a great deal of fear of failure and loss around money. If you handle money or conversations about money in a way that triggers these deep and painful fears, the resulting behavior is not going to be good. Scared people aren't very kind. They are focused on one thing only, feeling safer, and if this means lashing back at you, blaming you for the problems or shutting down the entire conversation, that is what they'll do. If you are going to talk about money you must learn to do it from a place of love and understanding about his fears. You must reassure him that he is admired, respected, appreciated and wanted (and you must do this all the time so the foundation is there long before the conversation about money comes up). Before you bring up your concerns about money, ask lots of questions about how he feels about it. What are his concerns, needs, wants and plans? Take the time to listen to his thoughts first and validate, honor and respect his right to those ideas even if you don't agree. After you have spent time listening to him, ask if you can share some of your ideas. Make sure you use 'I' statements and talk about yourself and your observations and fears. Avoid 'you' statements, which feel like an attack. You can download my formula for mutually validating conversations from my website. Then, together as a team, you must create some rules about spending, saving and debt that will lessen both your fears. Make sure both parties agree to following the rules and being honest and loyal to each other. Here are some other tips that may lessen the conflict: Never fight about money in the moment when your fear is first triggered. Make it your policy to step back, identify your fears, and make sure you can treat your spouse with respect and love before talking about money. Listen to and validate each other’s feelings. Having mutually validating conversations is the key to a good marriage. Honor and respect your spouse’s right to see the situation the way they see it. Respectfully ask permission to share your feelings and then do so in a kind, loving way. Focus more on future behavior than past behavior. Ask if they would be open to behaving differently in the future. Create compromises that put both your fears to rest. Set rules and limits you are both comfortable with. Create a budget and honor it. Make rules about how much you will spend per week on small things. Agree that on purchases (over a certain amount) you will talk to each other first. Rules like these make everyone feel safer. Keep the rules. This is the most important way you can honor your commitment to your spouse. You cannot have love without trust. Be honest. Never lie to your spouse. It’s better to tell them what they won’t want to hear, than to lie and destroy the trust in your relationship. Make a plan to get out of debt and start saving. This creates peace of mind and lessens fear in everyone. If you or your spouse have so much fear around money that you just can't get past it, I highly recommend you get some professional help with it. It's the best thing you can do for your family. You can do this. First published on KSL.COM
Question: I have a really difficult mother-in-law, who continually disrespects my wife and I and our ability to parent our children. She often manipulates us with guilt to get us to do what she wants us to do, yet nothing we ever do is good enough either. When my wife has tried to talk to her mom about her behavior it blows up and she ends up mad at us. Whenever my wife and I fight my wife also runs to her mom with all the details, which is making the situation even worse. I am hoping you have some advice on the in-law topic that would be helpful to me and many others who have in-law challenges. Answer: I think it might serve us all to get some clarity on the problem and define some rules of engagement for everyone to follow. Most of these mother-in-law relationship problems are created because the mother-in-law is suffering from a fear of loss. This is the fear of losing out, missing out, being mistreated or being taken from at some level. Many women feel like they are literally losing their child (a child who has the been the focus of their attention for many years) when the child marries. The mother-in-law may get controlling, needy and selfish in an effort to hold on, stay involved and feel a sense of importance in your life. They may subconsciously see the spouse as a threat and try to undermine the relationship (this could be a conscious effort, but it could also happen subconsciously.) Most of these women are trying to be good, loving people, but their fear is making them needy and selfish and they are missing your needs. The problem with trying to talk to a person (who is suffering from this much fear) about their behavior, is they will only see it as an attack. If you can’t talk to her about the issues, then you must work on the tips below for you (including enforcing strong boundaries) and hope she gets it after a while. Or you could share this article with her and ask her for some other specific ways you could treat her better. Focus on how you can treat her better because you want to improve your relationship, and hope that she sees the wisdom in treating you better too. Your mother-in-law is not a bad person though, she is just a scared person. What she needs is reassurance, validation, appreciation and to know that she is important and valued, and the good news is, you can give her these things without letting her control your life. You must enforce strong, resolute, but loving, boundaries with her and then let her process through any anger or drama she choses to experience about your boundaries on her own. You cannot feel guilty about it. The less you join in the drama, the more pointless the drama will become for her. Here are some simple relationship rules for all married people and mothers-in-law to live by. For all mothers-in-law:
How to be a great son-in-law or daughter-in-law:
You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a life coach and speaker. This article was first published on KSL.COM
Question: I have some friends who complain constantly about their problems but get offended if I give them any advice on fixing what’s wrong. Do they just want to stay where they are? Should I just listen? Is that a good friend? Or is there anything else I can do to get them to listen to me and make changes? Maybe I’m giving advice the wrong way? Answer: We all know people we would like to advice, change, or help, but we must handle these situations the right way or people will get offnded, turn a deaf ear or even passive aggressively dig further into their bad behavior. To give advice the right way you must understand a few basic principles of human behavior. These principles will help you to understand why people react negatively to advice and how you can create a safe space for advice that won’t offend. This is great information for parents, managers and leaders. Principle 1: Remember everyone on the planet is battling a deep core fear of failure (a fear that they aren’t good enough), and this fear causes a great deal of pain. We also have subconscious programs which encourage us to avoid anything that might trigger this fear. We are never excited about conversations around our need to change because they obviously mean we aren’t good enough now. The more subconscious fear of failure a person has, the less open they are to advice. This is unfortunate because they are the ones who need the advice most, but this is still how it works. When people have good self-esteem they can handle feedback without pain or fear, but most people don’t have good self-esteem. Principle 2: People will not be open to advice or changing themselves until they first feel fully accepted as they are right now. If they don’t feel accepted now, they will insist on staying where they are until you do. Don’t be discouraged by this. You can fully accept someone as they are right now (even with behaviors you don’t like) and create a safe space where they will be more open to changing. You just have to focus on their intrinsic worth and remember it matters more than their current behavior. Never lose sight of the truth, that they are a one of a kind, irreplaceable being with the same value as you. Loving them unconditionally must come first. Once they feel your love they will be more open to your influence. Principle 3: Listening to them and validating them — honoring and respecting their right to be who they are — is what most people need most. Listening to someone validates their intrinsic worth. Listening without giving advice is a great gift and remember being an active listener is more than just nodding and repeating what they say. A good listener is also a good question-asker. You can often help someone figure out what they need to change on their own by just asking questions that help them look at the problem from different perspectives. The most powerful way to help another person is to empower them to help themselves. Principle 4: The person to whom this challenge belongs — the one who is in the class — is the only one entitled to inspiration about his or her situation. You may have been in a similar situation but that doesn’t mean your right answer is the right answer for them. They are the only one who will know which path is their perfect journey, so don’t forget this and presume to know better. As a life coach, I have learned most people already know the answers to their problems, they just don’t trust themselves. They are hoping we will tell them what they already know to quiet their fears of being wrong. Don't let them use you as a crutch. It doesn't serve them. Keep asking questions about what they think and feel until they own their inner truth. This technique also leaves room for their inner guidance to direct them. All the answers they need God and the universe will provide. If they aren’t getting the answer yet, they may not be ready for it, or they may still have lessons to learn in this place. When they are ready and if you are the right teacher for this lesson, you may feel prompted to share and give advice, but make sure you use the fifth principle first. Principle 5: Always ask permission before you share your story, give advice, make suggestions or tell someone what you think. This makes a person feel honored and respected, and it means they really are open to hear you. Never tell another person anything unless you have asked permission to go there first. A permission question may sound like:
If they say no, respect that. Respecting how they feel this time will build a relationship of trust where they will be more likely to trust you next time. Parents, your teens will feel respected when you honor their "no" and they will respect you more back. Principle 6: Use more "I" statements than "you" statements. People tend to get offended when you start with "you do this" or "you have a tendency to ..." It goes over much better when you say "I have found that when I …” Speak to what you personally know and feel instead of making statements about them. Principle 7: Focus more on future behavior than past behavior. People get defensive and frustrated when you talk about their past bad behavior because they can’t change it. Instead, focus on their future behavior because that they have control over. “Would you consider in the future, moving forward, working on … ?” “Do you think moving forward it might help to … ?” Also notice how phrasing suggestions as questions delivers them in a softer way. Principle 8: Base any advice you give on principles of truth. Here are some basic truths which help people to see themselves and their situation more accurately. Most people know these, but they forget them in times of crisis when they are emotional or scared. Life truths:
You can do this. |
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AuthorKimberly Giles is the president and founder of Claritypoint Life Coaching and 12 SHAPES INC. She is an author and professional speaker. She was named one of the top 20 advice gurus in the country by Good Morning America in 2010. She appears regularly on local and national TV and Radio. Archives
March 2022
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