Question:
I really enjoy your weekly columns on KSL.com. I read last week's article about dealing with criticism and found it very insightful. This article was addressed to the person on the receiving end of the criticism. If I may, I'd like to suggest another article with the critical person as the target audience. How can one start facing those core fears and stop being critical? Answer: The first step to changing your negative behavior is to get conscious of how you are behaving and why. There is always a reason (or a payoff you are getting) for behaving this way. It is the real reason you do it. Once you can see clearly why you do it and what triggers it, you then have the power to catch yourself and choose something better. Neuroscientists tell us that our subconscious programing is the real problem behind most of our behavior problems. Somewhere along the line (usually in childhood) you learned this bad behavior and thought it was a good thing (a win on some level) and so you have continued to do it. Dr. David Krueger said, “Behavioral patterns and belief systems downloaded especially from parents in the first years of life become automatic... Neuroscientists estimate that about 95% of our behaviors and core beliefs are pre-programmed in the subconscious mind, operating on autopilot.” The ideas, beliefs or behavior patterns we learn in childhood become the rules that dictate the way we respond to life and the world, even if they are ineffective and relationship damaging. Eric Berne M.D. published an interesting book on this subject, back in 1964, called Games People Play. It this book he describes these subconscious rituals or behavior patterns as games. You can recognize a psychological game because it is a slightly manipulative or self-serving behavior and includes a selfish maneuver to get a payoff, which makes the game worth playing. I believe this payoff is mostly about the quieting your core fear of failure or loss. Most of the time you are trying to quiet your fear of failure and shame. In last week’s article I mentioned the Shame and Blame Game. This is the one you are playing if you are critical and quick to judge other people. On the outside you may just look like a negative person, but it’s really about looking for faults in others so you can shift your shame (fear of not being good enough) onto someone else. The more bad you see or point out in others, the more your own shame is lessened. When you cast them as the bad guy, it makes you the good guy. At least that is what you think will happen. In reality putting other people down only makes you feel better temporarily, because focusing on their shame doesn’t really take yours away. It just distracts you for a minute. Here are some other psychological games you might have learned as a child and still play as an adult: The Self-Pity Card Game: This happens when someone calls you on some bad behavior and you immediately (subconsciously) play the self-pity card, asking them to excuse your bad behavior and feel sorry for you. You may say things like, “It is just that everything is going wrong for me right now, I’m having a horrible day, I have no friends, or I’m just so depressed that's why I behaved badly.” You basically use self-pity to manipulate your way out of being responsible for your behavior. The downside to this game (and all games) is eventually people will lose respect for you and in the end, feeling pity towards you isn’t love. The Sympathy Card Game: This happens when you constantly talk about how bad you have it or how terrible you are. This is a subconscious game to get validation or reassurance from other people. People play this game on Facebook when they leave posts like “Worst Day Ever” but they don’t leave an explanation about what happened. They do this because they are subconsciously making people prove they care enough to ask. This game is a subtle and immature way to get love and attention. It’s Their Fault That I Can’t… Game: This game is about blaming someone else for making it impossible for you to do something you really should be doing. The payoff here is this gives you a great excuse for not being who you should be. “It’s my husband’s fault that I don’t eat healthy and keep gaining weight. I just can’t get him to stop eating junk food, so it’s what I have to buy.” I’m so Overwhelmed: If you constantly talk about how overworked, tired, and overwhelmed you are, you might be playing this game. You might even subconsciously take on too much, to make sure you stay in this state. There are a lot of payoffs with this game. You have a good excuse to turn down anything you don’t want to do. You get validation from what a hard worker you are and you get to use the self-pity card to excuse your bad behavior. You may be subconsciously choosing to feel terrible and overburdened all the time, because these payoffs are so desirable. You Don’t Love Me: This is a common game in many marriages where one or both parties are looking for proof (in the other’s behavior) that they aren’t really loved, liked, wanted or appreciated. If you are subconsciously looking for evidence that your spouse doesn’t love you, you will find it. You will find whatever you are trying to find. It won’t necessarily be accurate though. When your wife is too tired for sex it probably has more to do with her chasing small children all day, giving too much without taking care of herself, or her own body or sexuality issues. It may not be because she doesn’t love you. But if you are playing the You Don’t Love Me game, the goal here is to gather evidence that makes her the bad guy so you (by default) are the victim and good guy. This is about gathering evidence about who loves who less, so you can cast her as the bad one and thereby win the game. Wives may also look for mean or disrespectful comments as proof they aren’t loved, thereby also giving them an excuse not to have sex or be loving to him - since he doesn’t really love her. The payoff here is that you gets to behave badly (be unloving) and then blame the other person for it. This game will destroy your marriage if you don’t wake up and stop it. The good news is - You have the power to change your behavior! You can wake up and choose more accurate, loving, mature behavior. You may also want to take the free Fear Assessmenton my website. It will show you some of your subconscious behavior patterns on paper and this will be a good first step to discovering your subconscious patterns. Then, you can start by questioning why you are behaving the way you are. Why are you behaving this way? What are you afraid of? What is the behavior giving you? What is the payoff? How could you subconsciously see this bad behavior as a win? What is this behavior really going to create in your life? Is this what you really want? What do you really want? What kind of person do you want to be? What are the core values or principles you believe in and want to live by? Asking and answering these questions will get you started. Once you identify the behavior you can start watching for it and choosing something better. If you have a hard time seeing your negative behavior or knowing how to change it, you may want to get some professional help. You also need to work on your self-esteem and learn how to escape your subconscious fears. I have written many articles on this subject and you can find them all here on KSL.com. You can do this! Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness." She offers free coaching calls every Tuesday night.
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Question:
My husband is struggling at work and, frankly, everywhere else. He is constantly bothered by things people say and do. He is always afraid his performance isn’t good enough. His self-esteem isn’t good and he is almost always frustrated and offended by something. He seems to have lost himself and in some ways he is giving up. I don’t know if there is anything I can do to help him (or advice you could really give me) but I thought it worth a try. I’d do anything to see him happier. Answer: He has fallen into fear and drifting and doesn’t know how to get himself out. This happens to most of us at some point in our life. You may be in an unhappy marriage, but not doing much to change it or fix it. Instead you might be living around each other, carrying years of resentment and being slightly passive aggressive. You may be in fear at work, doing just enough to get by, but not going anywhere. You may be just generally unhappy with yourself and life, but can’t see a way to change it. I call this state — stuck in fear drifting. I got that term from Napoleon Hill and his amazing book "Outwitting the Devil." He says that drifters are the people who dwell in fear and neglect to use their minds to choose their way out. He explains that drifters let other people and situations influence their emotions and they mindlessly react to life with the same old patterns over and over. He claims that 98 percent of us fall into that category. “People who think for themselves never drift, while those who do little or no thinking for themselves are drifters. A drifter is one who permits himself to be influenced and controlled by circumstances outside of his own mind… A drifter accepts whatever life throws in his way without making a protest or putting up a fight. He doesn’t know what he wants from life and spends all of his time getting just that.” “People who think accurately do not drift on any subject. They recognize the power of their own minds. Moreover, they take over that power and yield it to no person or influence” says Hill. Everyone experiences hard times, failures, embarrassments and mistakes. They are part of the classroom of life, but drifters let those disappointments and failures stop them. They let the fear of failure (the fear of not being good enough) convince them it’s safer to stop trying, stretching and shooting high, that it’s safer to pull back and stay where you are. When you set your sights high you are usually disappointed and you could embarrass yourself. Take a minute and honestly assess if you are making plans and setting goals to get what you want out of life — or just drifting through? Napoleon Hill also wrote the famous book, "Think and Grow Rich," one of the bestsellers of all time. In this book he lays out his research on creating success in life. One of the amazing things he discovered interviewing the most successful people of his day was that all of them had experienced great failures and set-backs. Every one without exception had experienced discouraging losses. The difference was their “capacity to surmount failure without being discouraged.” This was “the chief asset of every man who attained outstanding success in any calling.” These people learned to use their minds to choose how they were going to experience those setbacks. They understood they had control over how those failures affected their value and what losses meant. They learned how to see themselves, other people and situations accurately (without fear of not being good enough in the way). They were people with defined purpose who set goals, believed in themselves and didn’t let any situation or person stop them. They understood the classroom of life gives you problems, but it also provides solutions. Hill said, “There is a solution for every legitimate problem no matter how difficult the problem may seem.” But the solution won’t just be handed to you. You are going to have to fight, work, learn and stretch to find it. The important point though is that it is there — and you are meant to find it. The universe doesn’t want you to stay stuck and unhappy — ever. It wants you to learn and grow and change your life. Answers and solutions to your problems are available right now! Here are some suggestions for breaking free from drifting:
If you are having trouble with how to choose them, you may want to find a coach or counselor to help you. I would also highly recommend reading Napoleon Hills books, "Outwitting the Devil" and "Think and Grow Rich." You can do this! Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book CHOOSING CLARITY: The Path to Fearlessness. She offers free coaching calls every Tuesday night. Question:
My spouse and I have struggled with marriage problems for years and years. I have begged to go to therapy or counseling but my spouse refuses to let anyone know we are struggling and not perfect. It’s like she would rather get divorced than admit we need help. What can I do? Why are people so reluctant to ask for help? Answer: I’m so glad you asked this question. Just last week, Matt Townsend and I were discussing why so many couples wait until their marriages are hanging by a thread before they seek professional help. At this point awful things have been said and done, and it’s much more difficult to repair the relationship. It breaks our hearts that they don’t ask for help sooner. If you would seek out help at the first sign of trouble, repairing the relationship would be a hundred times easier and you could save yourself years of suffering. If you didn't do that, the best time to ask for help is today. Ask your spouse if she would be open to at least read this article and consider changing her mind. People are reluctant to admit they need help because somewhere in the course of their life they picked up an inaccurate idea (policy) around what it means to ask for help. Here are some common fear-based policies they might have learned in childhood. See if any of them sound familiar:
Refusing to ask for help can also create isolation and make you come across as arrogant. You are literally putting yourself above other people (the mere mortals who need help from other people). You are giving power to the idea that we should all be perfect from the beginning instead of struggling students in the classroom of life. The truth is, we are students in the classroom of life. We are works in progress who at no point are ever going to be perfect and have it all figured out and not need any help from anyone else. There is no such thing as independence. We are all interdependent here. We all serve each other as teachers and students. There is no shame in being the student on occasion. It is what you are meant to be. Learning is what you are here for. Have I shared with you my favorite definition for the word SHAME? It is an acronym — Should Have Already Mastered Everything. How ridiculous is that? You can’t know everything and be an expert at every dimension of living. That isn't possible. You must learn to be honest, genuine and vulnerable and admit you need help once in awhile. You must also remember that doing this does not affect your value. Your value is infinite and absolute (it is not changeable or on the line because life is a classroom, not a test). This means that whether you ask for help or not, your value is the same. When you really understand this principle, it will take the fear of looking bad off the table. You will stop worrying about what others think and focus on learning and growing instead. What you really want is to be a strong, wise person, right? But strong, wise people aren’t those who are trying to impress others with their perfectness. People who are trying to impress are actually terribly afraid they aren’t good enough, which is why they feel they have to impress. They think they must pretend to be perfect to even have value. Real strong and wise people don’t need to pretend anything because they know their value is infinite either way. Real strong, wise people are basically fearless. This means they have no fear of doing anything (or at least they know how to choose this mindset in any situation), which means they can ask for help, be vulnerable and even look stupid, and none of these experiences change how they feel about themselves. Their value is the same regardless of what anyone thinks of them. Strong people ask for help because they understand that in being real enough to admit they don’t know it all, they give other people permission to be imperfect (and still have infinite value) too. They make other people feel more accepted and honored despite their faults. We all like people who are genuine and not trying to impress us. Asking for help in front of your children is the only way to teach your children they have nothing to fear by asking questions and admitting they didn’t know it all. And this is a lesson you want your children to learn. Don’t pass on inaccurate fear-based policies to your kids. Here are some ways you can ease into asking for help (and being more strong and wise):
You can do it! Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "CHOOSING CLARITY: The Path to Fearlessness." She offers free coaching calls every Tuesday night. Question:
I read your article last week on being psychologically mature and I definitely struggle with this. I think I have a hard time controlling my emotions because I feel things deeply and I cannot “not” feel what I’m feeling. Do you have any advice for helping me to stop my reactions and get control of myself? Also, how can I teach my children to get control of themselves so they don’t inherit my bad habits? Answer: Did you watch the biathlon during the Olympics? They are the ones who ski cross-country and shoot target rifles. One of the fascinating things about this event is watching the biathletes control their breathing and stifle their adrenaline after each race portion. If they can’t calm down and breathe slow, they can’t shoot accurately at their targets. You can learn to calm yourself down and get control of your body and your mind too. You have the power to consciously choose your emotions, but it takes Olympic athletes years to learn to do this, and it is going to require effort and practice on your part too. (Also, if you are struggling with depression, this is even more difficult. Depression affects your brain chemistry and makes choosing your emotions really difficult. I recommend talking to your doctor about some medication along with working on the suggestions below to control your thinking.) We all have subconscious policies of fear that create strong emotional reactions to things, and these reactions are kind of like riptides. They are strong and fast and pull us out into dangerous water (bad behavior that creates poor results in our lives) before we even know what’s happening. Understanding riptides can help us learn to escape these damaging emotional reactions. A riptide does not pull a swimmer under water; it simply carries the swimmer away from the shore. If a person caught in a riptide does not understand how riptides work, they will try to swim against it and will eventually exhaust themselves and drown. But if they understand how riptides work, they can easily exit the rip by swimming at a right angle to it. If they swim sideways, parallel to the shore, they can exit the current and return to land safely. Experts recommend this approach if you get caught in a riptide:
Here is a simple procedure you can practice when experiencing strong emotional reactions to calm yourself down and consciously choose a more mature response:
We must realize that we control the weather in our heads and claim the power to choose how we will experience each moment. Then we must teach our children to think for themselves and choose how they want to feel. You can do this by teaching your children the principles mentioned above. Benjamin Franklin said, “Educate your children to self-control, to the habit of holding passion and prejudice and evil tendencies subject to an upright and reasoning will, and you have done much to abolish misery from their future and crimes from society.” It will take some work to master this, but you can do it! Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "CHOOSING CLARITY: The Path to Fearlessness." Shauna Jensen is a certified Claritypoint coach who had the idea for this article. Question:
My spouse says that I’m immature because I get offended easy and have a hard time knowing how to handle those situations. I know I get emotional and reactive at times and I have a hard time communicating how I feel. I blame others for making me mad and I often resort to sulking or giving them the quiet treatment until they get the clue that something’s wrong. Can I learn how to handle things with more “maturity” and how could one do that? Answer: We call this psychological or emotional maturity and this is something you can definitely work on and change. The problem is how, because they don’t teach this in school (though they should). So where are you going to learn it? Some people were lucky enough to have psychologically mature parents who taught them how to think situations through accurately and logically and talk about their thoughts and feelings. But many of you didn’t get that. Many of you had a parent who was a bad communicator, a drama queen, easily offended, reactive or closed off. These good people didn’t know a better way to behave and they did the best they could, but they didn’t handle life in a mature, calm thoughtful way. You can break the cycle of immature behavior, though, and learn how to respond more appropriately. You can develop what I call CLARITY (the ability to see yourself, other people and situations accurately). You can and must learn how to do this if you want to have healthy relationships. Here are some questions you can ask yourself to test your psychological maturity:
Tal Ben-Shahar, an author and lecturer at Harvard University and the author of "Being Happy," says psychological maturity has three components. The first is the ability to step back from a situation and see it from a more “big picture” perspective, letting go of your first emotional reaction and choosing a more logical response. The second is the capacity to step back and see things from another person’s point of view. The third is the ability to detach from your need to be right and be teachable and open to changing your perspective. He encourages readers to be mindful and aware of their current perspective. Are you seeing this situation from only a current, here and now, emotional perspective or can you see this issue from a long-range perspective that is more rational than emotional? How big of a deal will this issue be five years from now? What is the long-range outcome I’d like to create with this person, not just how I feel like behaving right now? It takes self-control to stop your emotional reactions and step back and evaluate a situation more logically. It takes authentic love for other people to go further than your own perspective and put yourself in another person’s shoes and really understand how they feel. There are many worksheets on my resources page on my website which will step you learn to do this. Nathaniel Branden wrote an amazing book in 1969 called "The Psychology of Self-Esteem." In the book he attaches psychological maturity to a healthy sense of self-worth. He believes that as human beings we are destined to be thinkers, not instinctive reactors. When we react without thinking, with little awareness of others, or from a place of fear, we will end up hating ourselves. He believes it is only when we gain control of ourselves and our emotions and learn to think through situations and respond rationally, that we really like ourselves. I agree that there is a connection because as I teach my clients how to think more clearly about themselves, people and life, the result is an almost immediate increase in self-esteem. Braden says psychological maturity is the ability to think about principles, not emotions. Psychological immaturity is being overtaken with emotion and losing sight of the bigger picture. He says, “Only if we have a rational approach to our emotions can we be free of paralyzing self-doubt, depression and fear.” In my book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness," I recommend writing a set of personal policies (principles) and procedures (processes) that help you to think through situations more logically and respond more maturely. You must have a policy about your value and what or who you will allow to diminish you. You must have a procedure for handling situations when someone offends you. You need a process to run through in your mind to help you calm down and look at things from another’s’ perspective. Then you must start practicing these new techniques until they become second nature. If you invest conscious effort at this and remind yourself often about the importance of thinking situations through before responding, you will gain more and more control over your life and behavior, and your self-esteem will improve. Don't be discouraged if it feels difficult at first. Many of my clients initially feel it is impossible to change this behavior, but I promise: You can do it. We help clients change this kind of behavior daily. It just takes education and practice. Set a small goal to work on one aspect of your psychological maturity each week. Put a reminder (as your wallpaper on your phone) to remind you to see things from another’s perspective, think before reacting, or choose trust over fear. If you work on it one piece at a time, you can do this. You may also want to seek out a coach or counsellor to help. A little professional guidance goes a long way. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book CHOOSING CLARITY: The Path to Fearlessness. She offers free coaching calls every Tuesday night. Question:
I have so much noise in my head it’s ridiculous. I over-think, doubt, worry and imagine terrible things which are probably not real. I know I worry way too much about what other people are thinking and this causes a lot of my stress. What can I do to quiet the noise in my head? Answer: If you spend an unreasonable amount of time in your head, and often get stuck going round and round with stressful (and mostly unproductive) thoughts, you are an over-thinker. This subconscious habit is most likely draining your energy and distracting you from the situation at hand. Over-thinkers often waste energy rehashing their past mistakes (which they cannot change), over-thinking meaningless small issues in their present, or creating imagined scenarios that could (but probably won’t) play out in their future. Thinking problems through logically is a wise course of action, but over-thinkers spend an unreasonable amount of time with doubts and fears, which get in the way of good problem-solving and can create analysis paralysis. Over-thinking can also contribute to depression, anxiety and co-dependence. I will not address over-thinking, which accompanies these kinds of conditions, because they are out of the scope of my training. (Due to some questions from my last column, I’d like to clarify this.) As a life coach, my advice is not meant to treat, diagnose or advise those in need of a licensed mental health professional. There is a great book on over-thinking by Susan Nolan-Hoeksema, Ph.D, called "Women Who Think too Much," which I highly recommend. Hoeksema says the first thing you must do to change over-thinking is “to recognize that over-thinking is not your friend. It is not giving you deep insights. Instead, it is stealing away your power over your own thoughts and feelings.” I agree, you cannot continue to let your thoughts control you, you must learn to control your thoughts — and they are controllable, though it may take some work and practice to learn how. Here are some tips for getting control of your thinking: 1) Don’t take your thoughts so seriously. Just because it popped into your mind doesn’t make it true, meaningful, real, or worth the time to think about. The first question you must ask yourself is “Does this train of thought serve me in any way?”Does it do me any good to waste time and energy here? 2) Look at the big picture. Does this issue or idea really matter? In the long run, big picture of my life, does it even matter? Most of the things you lose sleep over aren’t. 3) What is this thinking distracting me from? Who am I missing showing up for because I’m lost in my own head? What am I not paying attention to that would serve me more? 4) Set aside a small amount of time to spend on this (that isn’t right now). This is a great technique that works for me. I pretend there is a closet in my head, I throw these negative, fear-based thoughts in there and slam the door. I then decide to spend 15 minutes on this concern later tonight, but until then I will leave them in the closet. If they sneak out during the day, I just throw them back in and lock the door. When the appointed time arrives that night, I set a timer for 15 minutes and really dwell on over-thinking the issue. I dive in and soak in the fear. I also use the technique below. 5) Get productive about it. Is there something I can do about this issue? Get out some paper and write down all your possible options in response. Include what you think the outcome of each option might be. If there is something positive and constructive that can be done — do it. If there is nothing you can do — decide to trust the universe that however it turns out, it will be your perfect journey. 6) Remember that you are more bulletproof than your mind thinks you are. No one can diminish who you are. No matter what they do or say, you are the same you. Your value is not on the line here either because life is a classroom, not a test. This means everything that happens to you is a lesson, but your value is infinite and absolute and doesn't change. (At least you have the option of seeing yourself this way if you want to.) 7) In every moment of your day, you get to choose your inner state and this is a simple choice because there are really only two options: fear or trust and love. To beat over-thinking you must start using your power to consciously choose trust and love. Trust that your value is infinite and your life will always be your perfect classroom, this means there is really nothing to fear. (At least you have the option of seeing your life this way if you want to.) Or you can choose fear. stress, over-thinking and create unnecessary suffering. How do you want to experience this moment? In my book, "Choosing Clarity," I recommend that you make some official personal policies or rules about what goes on in your head. Here are some policies relative to your thinking that would cut down greatly on your stress and worry: Make a policy against worrying about what other people think. What other people think of you is irrelevant. It doesn’t mean anything and it doesn’t affect you (unless you let it.) Opinions have no power. Their opinions don’t change who you are. Negative thinking is just a chance to practice choosing to trust in your real value. Make a policy against worrying about how you look. Who you are has nothing to do with how you look. Your value is not based on your appearance. Your love is who you are. Spend some time every morning trying to look your best, then go get them with your love. Your love is what people remember and care about anyway. Make a policy against worrying about past mistakes. The past is dead and gone, you cannot change it and it doesn’t define you or determine your value (unless you let it.) Past mistakes were just locations on your journey through life, they were classes you signed yourself up for, but they don’t mean anything about who you are now. Let go of the idea of SHAME that you Should Have Already Mastered Everything. You are a student in the classroom of life and a work in progress, and you are good enough right now. Terry Josephson said, “No matter where you go or what you do, you live your entire life within the confines of your head.” The good news is that you get to control the weather there. You can choose peace anytime you want, though this may take some work and practice if you are really practiced at over-thinking fear. Start with trusting you are good enough, because your value is absolute. Then practice trusting that your life will always be the perfect classroom for you and that everything happens for a reason, to serve your process of growth. These two choices bring peace. “Being content is perhaps no less easy than playing the violin well; and requires no less practice.” — Alain de Botton Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness." She offers free coaching calls every Tuesday night. Question:
Every Christmas my family throws a big party (at their big house) and expects us each to bring expensive gifts we cannot afford. I have tried to explain this doesn’t work for us, but they keep doing it. I am really upset, hurt and offended by this. This year I finally stood up for myself and told them we would not be coming nor exchanging gifts with them. Now, they won’t talk to us. How can I get them to understand our position and be more understanding? Answer: You will need to have a conversation with them to straighten this out, but you must be able to do this calmly, without going to a victim place, or attacking them or you will only make things worse. The first thing you must do is step back and make sure you are seeing this situation accurately and have let go of your upset feelings. You must have this conversation from a place of trust (feeling safe) and love (compassion for them). You must also get accurate about why you are hurt. I learned a powerful lesson reading "A Course in Miracles": You are never upset for the reason you think. You are not upset because they keep doing this every Christmas and aren’t listening to you. You are upset because of the meaning you are applying to their actions. You probably think their behavior means they don’t care about you, they are selfish, they don’t understand your situation or they think they are better than you. But these ideas aren’t necessarily true. And these ideas only hurt you, because you are already afraid you aren’t as good as they are or as blessed. These fears already cause you pain. Their actions only aggravated the pain you have already chosen to suffer with. Their actions hurt you because they hit your self-inflicted sore spot. You must understand you made up these sore spot fears (of not being as good or as blessed). They are coming from you and they are not real — and they are not their fault. These family members hurt you only because you take what they say or do, make it into a dagger and stab yourself with it. You need to autopsy your thoughts about this situation and these people and check them for accuracy. Some of this hurt and upset is your own fault. I am going to give you a Christmas gift today. This is a tool you can go through every time you get upset to give your thoughts a check for accuracy: Download the "To Be or Not to Be Upset" worksheet on my website. 1. What did the person say or do? 2. What meaning am I applying to their actions? What am I thinking this means? 3. Is this really true? Do I have any reason for wanting to believe the meaning I applied is true? Does it do anything for me? Does it earn me victim status or sympathy love? 4. Could there be any other reasons they might be behaving this way? Something that is totally about them and not about me at all? What are they focused on or afraid of? 5. Are you diminishable? Can their actions, thoughts or words actually hurt or diminish you or make you less than who you are? 6. If you cannot be hurt or diminished (unless you choose to be) is there really anything to get upset about? Can you let this situation just be what it is without letting it hurt? If you could see yourself and the other person accurately (as infinite, absolute, perfect students in the classroom of life) you would see there is nothing to fear and therefore no reason to ever be upset. Everything is a lesson to serve you and your value isn’t on the line. (Unless you need to create victim drama to feel validated or get attention, but this would be a very immature choice and you would have to own that you are creating the whole thing to serve that purpose alone, and this has nothing to do with them.) 7. Are you really upset about what they did? Or are you upset because of the thoughts and fears (that you have chosen to create, own and live with) from you and their actions only brought to the surface? 8) Do you have any other options? Could you choose to experience this in a different way? I realize you might not be ready to see this situation accurately. You may want to keep casting them as the bad guys and playing the victim, but I’m hoping you would rather feel better. The path to feeling better is through love, forgiveness, honesty, accuracy, kind communication and respect for yourself and others. My advice is to call those family members, own the fact that you let your own fears create this problem and you want to apologize. Own the fact you interpreted their actions inaccurately and chose to take offense. Ask them if you can start over. Ask them if you can explain your current situation and why these parties and the gift exchange is uncomfortable for you. Tell them you want to spend time with the family, but you don’t want to spend money you don’t have, or feel inadequate because you can’t. Ask them for their ideas on solving this. Share your honest feelings without going to a victim place. One option is not going to the party, but with an understanding that it’s not personal and you are fine with it. See what other win/wins the two of you can come up with. If they chose to be offended and cast you as the bad guy (which could happen), you will have another choice to make. Remember your value is infinite, and you can still choose love and forgiveness again. It is not worth being upset over other people’s choices. Love them where they are and choose peace. You can do this. Remember these principles of truth:
Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought-after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in eliminating drama in the workplace. She offers free coaching calls every Tuesday night. Question:
My family thinks that I get offended and defensive too easily. I admit I may be a little over sensitive to feeling insulted, but I am not going to just let people hurt my feelings without saying something. If people say or do things that hurt me, I’m not going to just ignore it. They claim they walk on egg shells around me, which hurts to hear (and frankly offends me), but I am willing to work on this because it’s not who I want to be. Could give me some advice? Answer: Don’t be offended by your family or friends bringing this to your attention. They love you and want you to experience more peace and less unnecessary suffering. This problem is usually tied to a subconscious victim mentality. It is highly likely that you experienced being insulted, put down, treated unfairly or wronged at some point in your life that has made you overly sensitive to these types of experiences. Your subconscious mind is now constantly on guard to protect you. This behavior is also tied to your fear of failure (not being good enough) and your fear of loss (being taken from). When someone says anything that could possibly be interpreted to mean that you aren’t perfect, or is a sign they might take from you, you subconsciously see this person as the enemy and treat them accordingly. The problem is that if this keeps up, you will eventually push everyone in your life away and you will be safe from harm, but you will also be alone. Here are five principles that will help with this problem: (I recommend you read these daily and commit to adopting them.) 1. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Most of the people in your life are good people who love you and mean you no harm. When they have moments of selfishness you must remember these are driven by their own fears of failure or loss. In that moment, they are worried about their own safety and can’t see how their behavior affects you. They do not intentionally mean to harm you, they just experience moments of oblivious selfishness. (You do the same thing when your fears get triggered.) When someone offends you, you can choose to see their behavior as unintentional, oblivious selfishness driven by fear. If you do this, you can let most offenses go. This person is more scared, than mean or bad. 2. Don’t take anything personally. Understand that 90 percent of what other people do or say is about their own fears and is not about you. Even behavior that looks and feels like an attack is actually about their fear. Don Miguel Ruiz in the book "The Four Agreements" says, “Taking things personally is the maximum expression of selfishness because we make the assumption that everything is about me.” Don’t make everything about you. When someone offends you, stop and put yourself in their shoes for a minute. What are they experiencing? What are they afraid of? What do they need in this moment? Choose to make this moment about showing up for them. (I realize you may feel unprotected here, but you are actually safer than you would be if you were defensive. Defense makes real the illusion that you can be hurt. Letting go of your need to defend, makes real the idea that you are bulletproof.) 3. See yourself as bulletproof. You are a one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable, infinitely valuable human soul. Your value is therefore infinite and absolute and cannot be changed by anyone or anything. Nothing anyone says or does to you can change your value or diminish you in any way, unless you choose to let it. Because of this truth, any pain you suffer over the words or deeds of other people is self-inflicted. They can’t hurt you without your permission. Instead of getting defensive, which subconsciously means you see yourself as vulnerable, choose to put down your defenses and smile, consciously choosing to see yourself as bulletproof and indestructible. Remember how Superman just smiles while bank robbers shoot at him. He isn’t offended they are trying to kill him because he can’t be killed. Your ultimate protection lies in believing they can’t hurt you. 4. Decide not to be a victim. You get to choose how you want to experience your life and you have only two choices: You can see yourself as a vulnerable, weak, picked on, powerless victim in dangerous world, constantly at the mercy of all the bad things and bad people around you, or you can choose to see yourself as a strong, bulletproof, powerful creator of your life, in a beautiful world that is constantly serving you and who can’t be diminished by anything or anyone. How do you want to live? If you choose a victim mentality you may earn some sympathy love and pity from people around you, but you will not earn their respect. You will also be choosing a life of grief and unnecessary drama. I recommend you make it your official policy to see yourself as safe, and the world as a perfect classroom constantly conspiring to serve your process of becoming. Choose to see yourself and the world as safe and you will experience more joy and peace. 5. Choose a forgiveness mentality. You get to choose how you want to see other people and you have only two choices: You can see people as flawed, evil, guilty, messed up, mean and mostly undeserving of mercy and forgiveness, or you can see people as perfect, struggling, scared, divine, amazing students in the classroom of life, deserving of mercy, compassion and in need of education and learning. But you must understand that what you choose for them you also choose for yourself. If you choose a judgmental, condemning mindset toward others you will also subconsciously feel flawed, evil, guilty, messed up and undeserving of mercy and forgiveness. Your self-esteem will suffer and will never feel good enough. That is just how it works. If you choose to see all men as perfect, struggling, scared, divine, amazing students in the classroom of life, in need of more education and learning, you are going to feel better about yourself and have good self-esteem. (If you don’t believe me this is true, experiment with it yourself.) I promise you get what you give. Choose to see everyone as good enough as they are and you will finally feel good enough yourself. Understanding these principles will help you to see situations, people and yourself more accurately. You will now understand how fear affects their behavior and the fearful way you experience it. You will also have the power to choose love and truth instead. If some of these concepts are new to you, you may need to re-read them and process them for a while. You may also want to work with a counselor or coach to improve your self-esteem and eliminate the fear behind your need to be offended. (This article did not address serious mistreatment or abuse. If you are experiencing either, you should remove yourself from the situation and seek professional help. This article only addressed minor offenses and a propensity for drama and overreacting.) Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker. You can take a free fear assessment on her website to see if being offended is an issue for you. Question:
I have issues with worrying about everything. I over-analyze and over-think every situation, and it drives my family crazy. I am seriously scared of all the bad things that can happen and experience anxiety all the time. I also worry too much about what other people think of us. I need to stop worrying, but I just can’t stop the noise in my head. Any advice? Answer: I think it is safe to say you are addicted to fear. A fear-a-holic is someone who is addicted to the experience of fear and anxiety such that it decreases their ability to function and negatively affects their relationships. I recognize the symptoms because I used to be one, too. Now, I have learned to use some specific principles of truth to change my thinking and choose the opposite of fear in every situation. The opposite or antithesis state of fear is the state of trust and love. When you choose to be in a state of trust and love, you literally can't experience fear. The emotions can't exist at the same time, in the same place. I call the state of trust and love "clarity," because it is the only state where the fog of fear is out of the way, so you can see your life as it really is. Most fear-based thoughts can be completely wiped out with a simple choice to trust God and focus on loving people in that moment. But you can also employ the principles used by Alcoholics Anonymous, which apply to overcoming any type of addiction. Here are 12 steps to break an addiction to fear: 1) Admit you are powerless when dwelling in fear. Fear makes you feel weak, vulnerable, selfish and protective, and these emotions don't serve you. 2) Admit you need a power greater than you to help. Choose to acknowledge that trusting God, his safety and his love are the answer. They are the only way to real security and peace. 3) Commit to turn your life and will over to a higher power. This means you will choose to trust God about two important things that will eliminate your two core fears (the fear of failure and the fear of loss) that most often steal your peace.
5) Admit that you are ready to let a higher power help you. You cannot feel safe and peaceful, nor eliminate fear on your own. You must trust God to be in charge of your journey and your value. 6) Let God remove your defects. We all have faults, weakness and less-than-perfect features, but they do not affect our value. God knows that these defects serve you in your process of growth. They also make you more compassionate and less judgmental. Turn these defects over to him and don’t let them make you feel inadequate anymore. 7) Ask God to remove your shortcomings. Accept his forgiveness for all your past mistakes. You experience too much fear, guilt and shame around the fact that you weren’t perfect in the past. Let God erase them all, and he will. You have nothing to fear. God gives this gift so you can focus on loving him, yourself and other people instead. 8) Make a list of people you have hurt by being afraid (and, therefore, selfish). Fear kept you focused on yourself, and in this state you missed what the people around you needed. Make a list of all the people you might have neglected while focused on your fears. 9) Make direct amends to those you hurt. How can you choose love over fear and start showing up for these people? How has fear caused conflicts and contention in your relationships? Figure out what you were afraid of and apologize for letting your fear create bad behavior. 10) Continue to take a personal inventory daily and admit when you let fear steal your peace. Start writing your fears on paper. This will show you how ridiculous most of them are. This will also show you the real reason you feel angry, stressed, resentful or discouraged. Write down how you could choose trust and love in each situation. 11) Through prayer and meditation, connect to God more often. Prayer is a wonderful way to officially place your concerns and worries in his hands, so you can trust him. 12) Share what you are learning. You learn a ton from teaching these principles of truth. (That’s how I quit living in fear.) Look for opportunities to teach trust and love to others. Hope this helps. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem. Question:
I get extremely jealous of my adult siblings. They have life better than I do and it’s difficult to watch them go on trips, get new houses and new cars, and know that I will never have those things. I’m trying to be happy for them, but I admit, deep down I’m extremely sick of seeing it all. I can’t stop feeling bothered that life is so unfair. Do you have any advice, because I don’t like feeling this way? Answer: J.R. Ward said, “Welcome to the wonderful world of jealousy. For the price of admission you get a splitting headache, a nearly irresistible urge to commit murder and an inferiority complex. Yipee.” My advice is — choose to feel differently. Some people believe their feelings are out of their control and can’t be changed, but that is not true. Your conscious mind has the power to override your subconscious thoughts and fears and change the way you feel about anything, at any moment. You must own that you have that power and are responsible for that choice. Until you own this, and start consciously choosing your emotions and state of mind, you will always be a victim and feel powerless. You must consciously choose how you are going to feel about yourself, your life and your siblings. You must choose love over fear to get your power back. Understand that jealousy is a fear problem. (I know that some of you are still not convinced that every problem is a fear problem, but I assure you it’s true.) Jealousy is a serious fear problem because it triggers both of your deepest, darkest core fears: the fear of failure (not being good enough), and the fear of loss (that your life won’t be good enough). Jealousy could not happen if you saw your value and your life accurately — if you were solidly grounded in the truth about your infinite and absolute value, as a one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable, amazing soul. If you embrace this truth, you will never feel less than other people. Robert Heinlein said, “A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity.” Jealousy is a sign that your subconscious mind (entrenched in fear) is looking for proof that other people are better than you. You subconsciously believe if they have more than you, or if life has rewarded them with things you didn’t get, then they must be better than you. Why else would God bless them more? None of this is true. Your life is a perfect classroom journey, custom made just for you, to serve your unique process of learning. Your siblings got signed up for different classes than you did, for a reason. There are no accidents. Your unique path is going to teach you the lessons you need most. Remember, your value as a human being is the same as theirs, regardless of their quality of life or what they have. We all have the same value, we just required different lessons and therefore made different choices. I recommend the following exercise to work through your jealous feelings: 1. Write your feelings on paper and describe them in detail. Instead of trying to stuff these feelings, embrace them fully and feel the pain they create as acutely as possible. Lean into the feelings instead of resisting them. You will work through them faster if you embrace and let yourself process them. What are they here to teach you? What kind of behavior are they encouraging? Why does your sibling’s happiness threaten you? Does their success take anything away from you? Does feeling jealous serve you at any level? Does it motivate you to create more success yourself? Write the answers to these questions on paper. 2. Separate the ego/scarcity/fear part of you that likes jealous feelings, from the spirit/abundance/ love part of you that doesn’t want to be here. Which side do you want to let drive your life? Who do you want to be? In every moment, you get to choose your state, and there are only two options. You can live from a place of love, abundance and peace or you can live from fear, scarcity and discontent. How do you want to live? You must consciously make this choice on a daily — and sometimes hourly — basis.Write down your commitment to choose love. 3. Make a written rule against comparing yourself with other people. There is no level where comparing serves anyone. Make an official policy against it. 4. Remember life is a package deal and each life path comes with some blessings and some trials. If you had another person’s blessings, you would also have to take their trials. 5. Don’t doubt yourself and your own abilities. You can accomplish almost anything you want if you set your mind to. If you want more from life, believe in yourself and go create it. 6. Carefully choose your thoughts. Every thought matters. Choose to think only positive, loving thoughts about yourself and other people. In doing this you are choosing abundance and blessings for everyone. Choose to see the world as abundant and overflowing with enough for all. 7. Choose gratitude for what you have, every minute of every day. Gratitude is one of the most positive emotions you can choose. When you live from a place of gratitude, you are accepting all love and blessings from the universe and opening the door wide to receive more. Also remember, there are people on the planet who would be jealous of you. Count every small blessing and embrace gratitude. Hope this helps. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem. |
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AuthorKimberly Giles is the president and founder of Claritypoint Life Coaching and 12 SHAPES INC. She is an author and professional speaker. She was named one of the top 20 advice gurus in the country by Good Morning America in 2010. She appears regularly on local and national TV and Radio. Archives
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