This article was first published on KSL.COM
Question: I have a tendency to let people guilt me into doing things I don’t want to do. My mother for instance. I can’t say no to her or maybe the problem is she won’t accept no. She always comes up with logic to counter everything I say. In the end, I always give in and do what she wants. I am just too nice? Do you have any advice for me? Answer: Your problem is not that you are too nice. Your problem is that you are weak and afraid of what others think of you. This isn’t a “nice” problem, it's a fear problem. You are so afraid of looking bad, mean or selfish that you put other people’s wants and needs ahead of yours. You are overly selfless, and yes that’s a big problem. When you consistently sacrifice yourself for others, everyone ends up happy and liking you, except yourself. The problem is that most of you think you only have two choices when someone asks you to do something you don’t want to do. Option one is to say NO and hurt or disappoint the other person, who then might think less of you (or think you are selfish) which is really terrifying to those of you who already fear you aren’t good enough. This option also feels like you are valuing yourself over the other person, which feels wrong. Option two is to betray yourself (and value the other person more than yourself) and give the other person what they want. This option feels safer because even though you aren’t happy, you are at least assured the other person likes and approves of you. This option feels more righteous and loving, but at the same time it leaves you feeling taken from. The good news is there is a third option (one that many people don’t know exists). Instead of being strong and selfish, or loving and weak, you can learn to be strong and loving at the same time. In this place you accurately value yourself and the other person the same amount. You can clearly see everyone's needs as worthy of being honored, yours and theirs. In this place you strike a healthy balance between standing up for yourself and honoring your needs, and sacrificing to serve, love or give to others. If you want to be emotionally happy and healthy you must have this balance. If you don’t have a healthy balance between giving and receiving there will be problems in your relationships. You may start to resent the people you constantly sacrifice for and they will stop appreciating your sacrifices, because they will take them for granted. You will also have low self-esteem (if you are overly selfless) because you are constantly giving power to the idea that other people are more important than you. In order to fix this tendency to betray yourself, you must embrace some new principles of truth around your value and life. Read the following often: Principle 1: What other people think of me is irrelevant. I am the same me no matter what they think. Their opinion doesn't affect or change my value. I have the same infinite, absolute value whether they like me and my decisions or not. I do not need their approval. I just love them and myself where we are. Principle 2: I teach people how to treat me by how I treat myself. I honor my own needs because I want other people to honor them. If I always put others' needs first, I am literally teaching them that my needs are not important. I believe all human beings have the same value and we are all equally important. Principle 3: If I disrespect myself and allow people to push me around, they won’t respect me. Weakness is never respected. I may think my sacrifice and love will win their approval, but do I really want approval at the cost of respect? In the end, I will create what I feared. Even though I give them their way, they will think less of me anyway. If I make sure my own needs are met, people will respect me for it. Principle 4: It is not selfish to take care of my own needs. The Bible says to love your neighbor “as” yourself, not “instead” of yourself. This means I am just as valuable and important as everyone else. When I honor my own needs I demonstrate to the world that all people deserve to be honored and respected. No one is more important than anyone else. My needs and wants should take precedence over others about half the time. This is not selfish, it’s healthy. Principle 5: If I don’t love myself first, I am not really capable of giving love to others. If I don't value myself, I basically have an empty bucket, which makes me needy all the time. From this place I really have nothing to give others. When I give to others from this place, my gifts have strings attached because I need something (approval) back. From this place all my loving behavior is driven by my need to get validation. That is not love. Real love can only happen when I experience the same amount of love for myself as I feel toward the other person. When I love myself I can give from a full bucket and people will feel this and appreciate my gifts much more. Using these principles of truth to guide you, I recommend that you redefine your boundaries and write some rules for yourself about when you are going to say YES and when you are going to say NO. Here is an example: I give to others often, I also say NO to other people’s requests if doing what they want would: — Make me resent them for asking — Make me feel taken from — Force me to miss something that’s important to me — Push me over the edge of sanity. This is the loving thing for all concerned. I do not need to hold fear around how others will feel when I say no. I know it is the right thing for me, and that is enough. I will tell them with love that I can’t do it (without having to explain why). In the end, they will respect me for my strength and love. Taking the time to write on paper exactly how you are going to feel and behave the next time your mother tries to guilt you into giving in will really help. If she won't take your loving no for an answer, say, “Mom, is there anything else I could do to show you I love and respect you, if I can’t do this?” See if there is another way to show her you love her — something that works for you. It is really hard when you have someone in your life who is overly selfish and doesn’t honor your needs, and there may be times you have to let her be mad at you and process her frustration. She is the one choosing to be bothered, and that isn't any of your business. Let her be mad without letting it affect your self-esteem. Remember that just because she is choosing to feel upset, doesn’t mean you were wrong to say NO. Her opinion and feelings don’t affect your value. If you really struggle with this problem, I would highly recommend seeking out some professional help with fear and rebuilding self-esteem. It would make a big difference. You can do this.
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This article was first published on KSL.com
Question: I have trouble with my emotions getting out of control. I can get angry and blow up at people. I also get offended sometimes and hold onto it for weeks. I am a good person, and I care deeply about my family and friends, but I admit that sometimes I don’t really care about other people. I’ve been told I have a hard heart, and it hurts to hear that because I don’t mean to. I think I inherited these tendencies from my dad and they are deeply ingrained. Is there a way to change them? Answer: Yes, you can change your inherited programming, but it will take some time and work. You may even want some professional help with it. It would make the process faster, but you can learn to use conscious choice to soften your heart and get it more emotionally healthy. Since it is Heart Health Month (February) I’d like to give you some advice on developing a more emotionally healthy heart. We read a great deal about how emotions can affect our health, but did you know that people who are emotionally heart healthy (compassionate, calm and balanced) have better relationships, more success and generally live longer? They do. Here are six steps to improve your emotional heart health:
You can literally practice being mindful, grateful, flexible, tolerate and compassionate. Just set an intention to work on one each day. You will be amazed at the happiness they create. You can do this. This article was first published on KSL.COM
Question: I have made so many mistakes and I can’t repair the damage of my bad choices. My self-esteem is awful because I can’t forgive myself. How can I let these mistakes go when the reality of what I did is so bad? The fact is my value (especially in the eyes of other people) is forever affected by my choices. I know you say that my divine value is infinite, but what good is that if everyone sees me as a bad person? Answer: It will only make a difference if you believe it does. I believe you are not the sum of your past decisions and your value isn't affected by your mistakes. But these ideas have no power unless you decide they are truth for you. Trust me. You can see yourself and your life in a new way that will lessen the pain you are experiencing, and your changing your mindset may affect the way others see you. Self-forgiveness is extremely important because it impacts the amount of love you have to give to others now. Here are my five secrets to forgiving your past mistakes:
I know it may see difficult right now to take control and change your mindset around your past — but you can do it with work and practice. (If it seems too hard you may want to seek some professional help.) Gary Zukav, who wrote "Seat of the Soul," said, “By choosing your thoughts and by selecting which emotional currents you will release and which you will reinforce, you determine the quality of your light. You determine the effects that you will have upon others and the nature of the experiences of your life.” You can do this. This article was first published on KSL.COM
Web Tease: Coach Kim's yearly New Year's resolution article. This year she challenges us to see all people as having the same value and make a stand for human rights, tolerance and love. For the last two years in January I have recommended one resolution that would have the biggest impact on your life. In 2013 I wrote about improving communication skills and thereby improving your relationships at home and work. In 2014 I recommended forgiving yourself and others as this would greatly improve your self-esteem and quality of life. This year, I would like to recommend a resolution that could not only change your life — but may also change the world. There is a great deal of hate sweeping our planet right now. There is terrible racial conflict in our country and fighting over differences in religion, race and sexual orientation, happening around the world. As we have watched the fighting, beheadings, riots and terrorism on TV, we, at our house, find ourselves asking the same question over and over, “What can we do to change this?” This question can leave us feeling powerless at times, but the truth is, one person can make a difference. People like Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr., who successfully made a big difference in the world, started out as regular people like you and me. They were regular people who decided to speak out for truth, but because their ideas were truth, it resonated with people and movements were born. I am going to tell how you can help, speak out, stand up and make your voice heard in defense of truth to encourage equality, respect, unity and love in the world, but before I do that I want you to understand the real root of the problem. The real problem behind these conflicts is a problematic tendency of human nature that makes all of us subconsciously see those who are different from us (in any way) as less than or worse than us. We basically assume that if we are different from another person, one of us must be better and the other worse. Since we don’t want to be the bad one, we subconsciously look for the bad in the other person so we can cast them as the bad guy, making us feel like the good guy. This can happen in a split second without us even consciously realizing we are doing it. If you put any two people in a room, they will immediately (subconsciously) either feel intimidated and less than the other person, or slightly better and above the other. The factors influencing this viewpoint may be racial, social, economic or educational, but the more different they are from each other, the more fear and discomfort will be generated. We are also subconsciously afraid of things we don’t understand. So, people who are vastly different from us make us even more uncomfortable. This is why we struggle to accept those of different cultures or sexual orientation. Since we have a hard time understanding them, the difference generates more fear. Have you noticed how we flock to those who are most like us? We are always more comfortable around our own kind, though we can change this by pushing ourselves out of our comfort zones and over time we can become comfortable around anyone. The problem is that most of us don’t push ourselves to do this. We just stay with our group. This simple subconscious tendency to fear those who are different is responsible for most of the conflict, fighting, war, prejudice, racism, discrimination and hate on the planet. This tendency to see ourselves as better than others and think that our way is the right way and everyone else is wrong — is dividing countries, communities and even families. It is separating us and drawing all kinds of lines of division. We divide ourselves by political party, religion, neighborhood, which mayonnaise we use, which soda we drink and which school or sports team we cheer for, and then we declare ourselves as better than ‘those people’ and cast them as the enemy. This has to stop. But the only way to stop it is to change the way we think about and see each other, and this change has to happen inside the head of every person individually. The problem is, the only person you have any control over is you. So, that is where you must start. You must work on changing you. You can start this year by committing to see all people as the same as you. This is the resolution I recommend in 2015. Practice not letting differences scare you, make you uncomfortable, suspicious or angry. You can practice letting all men be free to be who they are and not see yourself as better than anyone else. You can commit to treat all people as one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable, amazing, divine human beings with the same value as you. You can work on treating people with respect, kindness and acceptance everywhere you go. You can also check your behavior at all times by asking yourself if the behavior is lawful, kind, respectful, honest or helpful. If it isn’t going to further the cause of liberty, love and brotherhood with all people — don’t say it or don’t do it. You can also join the march for tolerance, racial unity and peace online, right now. In the old days, people had to gather in a public place to march (to be seen and heard) and draw attention to a cause. You can now reach the world at home through social media. Visit www.itakethechallenge.com to read more about how to join the march for tolerance and peace on social media. Make a sign, then film a video or take a picture and post them on social media with your commitment to be the solution. Use #iamthesolution with your post. I took the challenge and my video is on Facebook. Then, directly challenge (call out) three of your friends or neighbors to do the same. Together we could literally flood social media with videos and pictures of people advocating for love, tolerance and unity. Then (and most importantly) back it up with your behavior this year. Make a commitment to actually live what you profess. Don’t wait to act on this. Do it today. Don’t worry about how you look or the quality of the film. Just do it. If Martin Luther King Jr. was still here and was organizing a march in your town today, would you join in? Would you be willing to speak out and let the world know that you commit to see all people as equal in value and deserving of respect, justice, tolerance and love? This is your chance. The world needs to see and hear from the silent majority who don’t make the news and who aren’t racist, angry or intolerant. It needs to hear from people who understand looting and anger aren’t going to change things. It needs to hear from you. We need to flood the Internet in 2015 with commitments of peace, equality and love. Remember if you aren’t part of the solution, then you are part of the problem. Edmund Burke said, “All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.” Please do something. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a coach and speaker. This article was first published on ksl.com
Question: Things at work have been extra stressful lately. With changes in management, policies and procedures I find myself missing important deadlines. This leaves me feeling unnecessarily rushed, stressed and incompetent. Any suggestions for helping me get my act together at work? Answer: In order to properly address your question I would ask if this is an external (work) or internal (you) problem or a mixture of both? Ask yourself if you are missing deadlines because you are worried you will not measure up to new responsibilities. Are you afraid of looking bad to the new boss? Are you falling behind because you do not like the new management or its rules? Is there any part of you that is resisting the changes you are now required to make? These questions can help you realize if this is an external or internal problem. As children we were required, encouraged and/or forced to do many things. Now as adults many of us feel resentment when asked to do things we do not want to do. That includes things we know are good for us. We feel rebellious and subconsciously resist being pushed. This could cause some subconscious sabotage at work. In every dimension of life there needs to be accountability. This means learning to hold yourself accountable, be responsible and to do what is asked of you, whether you want to or not. This also applies to tasks you are trying to force yourself to do that don't involve other people. Achieving personal goals takes time, commitment and dedicated effort. Like an out-of-shape muscle our personal-responsibility muscle needs to be consistently worked on, to keep it strong and in shape. If missing deadlines is something you have always struggled with consider what Linda Galindo writes about in her book "The 85% Solution." “You can keep doing what hasn't worked for you in the past if you want to, but it's not going to work for you in the future, either," the book reads. "A lack of personal accountability is at the heart of chronic stress. It saps us of productivity. It wastes our time. It makes us less satisfied with our jobs, our relationships and ourselves.” On her blog Galindo states. “If you don’t like structure, you probably need it. What will seem counterintuitive at first is the amount of structure required to realize lower stress, greater productivity and the satisfaction of completing each day completely in time.” Galindo recommends that you schedule each step to increase your productivity. “When you agree to do something, put on your calendar the time it will require, not only the deadline. If you are going to write a report, for example, block time for research, writing and revision. When you schedule a meeting set aside time to prepare for the meeting and for follow-up activities such as preparing and distributing the minutes.” Maybe you have generally been able to meet your deadlines in the past and you are now experiencing growing pains in a restructuring environment. Realize these challenges may be temporary but still require you to put in extra time until you are in a workable rhythm with the increased demands. If you have determined the problem is external and cannot be fixed by becoming more organized or spending more time at the office you may need to get creative to find solutions. Are there others in the company who would be willing and available assist you with some of your assignments? Is there anything you have been asked to do that isn’t time sensitive that you can table until the prioritized projects are completed? Do you need to request extra help be hired? If the problem is a combination of external and internal factors the most important thing you can do is to be very clear about what you can and can’t reasonably do within the timeframe provided. Often fear of not wanting to be the employee who can’t get it done may tempt you to take on too much. This will cause extra stress and in such an environment you will make more mistakes. The next important step is to make sure that you follow through 100 percent on any commitments you have made. If snags come up and challenge the deadline or pending results on the projects you have agreed to, speak up as soon as possible. When you do fall short on not getting the job done and done well — own up to it 100 percent. You brought up feeling incompetent. The way to ensure you can trust yourself and feel confident in what you do, is to accept your wins and your losses are not you and don't affect your value. You must separate your intrinsic value from your performance and work. When you do make mistakes, make no excuses. People will respect you more, and you will respect yourself more when you take your licks, learn from them, and recommit to doing whatever it takes to not let the same mistake happen again. Our losses teach us much more than our wins ever could. The only man who hasn’t fallen is the one who never got up and tried. Being a person of integrity is being someone who takes full accountability when they mess up. Pay attention to any thoughts you have along the way that tell you lies such as: you aren’t smart enough, educated enough, experienced enough, etc. Challenge these thoughts and work to see the situation and yourself in the situation accurately. Make the decision to see your life as a classroom with lessons to practice each day you give yourself (and others) permission and space to be a work in progress. Everyone feels in over his or her head at times, but if you are taking steps to ensure you have what you need to accomplish every task in a workable timeframe and then go about doing everything in your power to make it happen your confidence in your abilities will grow and you will find a new level of success. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. Shauna Jensen, who co-wrote this article, is also a popular local Claritypoint Coach. This article was first published on KSL.com
Question: I am struggling at work and I don’t know why or how to fix myself. I’m doing enough to get by, but I hold back and drop the ball on occasion. I procrastinate until the last minute and then do a rush job instead of my best work. I know I am the problem, but how do I change this and get more motivated at work? Answer: This is not a motivation problem, it’s a fear problem. Jon Acuff, author of the book, "Start: Punch Fear in the Face, Escape Average and Do Work that Matters," was asked in an interview with Forbes Magazine what prevents most people from reaching their full potential at work. His answer, “The most common trap is fear. Fear never bothers you if you’re average, but the second you dare to be more than ordinary, fear awakens.” You are either battling a fear of failure or a fear of success at work. In my experience these two fears are always the culprit when you feel like you have one foot on the gas and the other on the break. The fear of failure is the most common, and it is a fear of looking bad, being embarrassed or being found out as not good enough. It is tied to your fear of what others think of you and will make you procrastinate doing things you are afraid you won't do perfectly. It also prevents you from trying new things, taking risks or putting your full effort into projects. A fear of success (though it sounds counterintuitive) is a fear of achieving more or shooting higher because you lack confidence in your abilities long-term. You are afraid of the responsibilities and commitments that will come with stepping it up and raising the bar. You may be afraid you can't handle the pressures of a higher position, so it feel safer to be average. Forbes also asked Acuff why most people decide to travel down the average path. “The truth is that they don’t decide," he said. "The only thing you have to do on the average path is not die. You graduate from high school or college and effectively shift into neutral. Sure, you’re not moving that fast but you’re getting great gas mileage and you are making some progress, if you want to call it that. But you’re coasting. Eventually, you’ll roll your way right into the grave.” Don’t settle for average at work. There is no reason to let your subconscious fears drive your career. You have the power to change your thinking and do better. You just have to believe it’s possible and do the work to overcome your fears, which isn’t that hard if you know how. You may want to find a coach or counselor to help you. You may also want to visit my website and take the free Fear Assessment, it will show you on paper which of these two fears is an issue for you. Here are 14 things successful people do to get past fear and reach their potential: 1. Recognize the benefits you are getting from shooting low. What do you get from keeping the bar low? What are you afraid of losing if you succeed? Free time? Your excuse to be lazy? Would trying harder mean finding out you aren’t good enough? Does it feel safer to play small? Own the reasons your subconscious mind thinks drifting is the best path. Decide you don’t want these benefits as much as you want success. 2. Focus on your assets and what you are good at, not your deficits and weaknesses. We all have both, but successful people focus more on what they have going for them, than what they don’t. Watch out for a tendency to shoot down your own ideas with excuses and negatives. If you catch yourself doing this, stop. Think of a positive possibility for every negative you come up with. 3. Know what your gifts are and focus on those. Don’t waste time trying to be good at everything. What are you best at? Focus all your time and energy there. Delegate or pass off the tasks that you are bad, OK, or even adequate at. Focus on your unique genius as much as you can. 4. Take risks in small doses — one step at a time. Raise the bar and slowly step out of your comfort zone. You can handle the next step. You’re ready for that. Take one small step outside your comfort zone today and do the same tomorrow. All successful people are risk-takers and they can do this because they aren't afraid of some failure. 5. Don’t take failure personally. Jonathon Brown from the University of Washington found that people lacking self-esteem take failure personally. They think failure means they aren’t smart, competent or good enough. Successful people understand that failure is about the issue or the technique. It isn’t about them. You can’t be a failure. Failure is an event, not a person. Many of us attach our self-worth to mistakes. This makes no sense. You are not the idea, the performance, the property or the experience. You are the amazing being who will learn and grow from the experience. Failures do not define you. 6. Accept failure as a part of success. Barbara Sher, the author of "Wishcraft," said “If you try and fail, you won’t feel as bad as you think. You’ll gain experience, education, contacts and self-confidence.” All successful people have a history of failures, but they understand failures are the path to experience. Failures makes you stronger and smarter. People who have tried and failed know more than people who never tried. 7. Gain knowledge — knowledge eliminates fear. What skills would make you feel more confident? Sign up for a class to improve those skills. Marie Curie said “Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that (you) may fear less.” 8. Choose to focus on love. The law of the universe says you can feel only one emotion at a time. If you choose to focus on love and serving others, it is impossible to feel fear. How can you make your work about giving to others and not about you? 9. Visualize yourself comfortably handling more responsibility. If you can’t see it, you can’t achieve it. Visualize yourself carrying responsibilities with ease and confidence. This really helps. 10. Don’t blame others. Take full responsibility for what you do and don’t do. This will show you that you’re in control and have the power to create better results. Blame shifts responsibility, but it also shifts power away from you. 11. Cultivate relationships. If you have been a loner because it felt safer this must stop. The road to more success is paved by the valuable relationships you develop in your field. If you aren’t good at this, you may need some executive coaching to work on your communication and relationship skills. 12. Work hard. There are many people who want to be successful, but there are very few who are willing to work hard enough to get it. There is no easy, effortless, short road to real success. They only way is to work hard and not give up until you get there. Do the things others are not willing to do. 13. Create more value than you are paid for. I learned the secret to success from Og Mandino’s famous book "The Greatest Secret in the World." He said the secret is “to render more and better service than is expected of you, no matter what your task may be.” In other words go farther, work harder and provide more value than your employer expects. So few people will do this, you will stand out everywhere you go. 14. Write your story now. Sit down with some paper and imagine yourself old and gray at the end of your life. If you could look back and see yourself now at this time, what do you want this next chapter to look like? Write the story the way you want it to play out. Read this daily. This harnesses the power of intention and you won’t believe how powerful it is. You can do this! Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular coach and speaker. This article was first published on KSL.com
Question: I am so stressed out that I’m falling apart physically. I’m sick, tired, worried and grouchy most of the time. In this state, I’m not the greatest parent and my marriage is struggling. The problem is I can’t change my situation. I have to keep this job and I have to keep giving to my family. So how do I change my feelings, outlook and behavior when I’m stuck in this situation. My stress isn’t going anywhere, so how do I handle it better? Answer: The Urban Dictionary defines burned-out as “What occurs when you overwork yourself into a state of limited mental acuity, depleted emotions and strength completely drained from your body.” You sound burned-out and running on empty. You cannot live for extended periods of time without serious negative effects on your body and spirit. You also can't show up for others when you have nothing to give. Even though you can’t change the situation that is causing your stress, There are lots of things you can do that would make a huge difference and fill your emotional tank back up. First, you must identify all the things in your life that are draining your tank:
Some people struggle with self-care because they associate it with being lazy, self-indulgent or selfish. It is very important you don’t think this way. Keeping your own tank full is not self-indulgent, it is wise. You also perform better with a full tank. You are more creative, effective, giving and powerful when you are filled up emotionally. Self-care is not self-indulgent. It is a sign of self-respect. If people in your life don’t get this, that is not your problem. Even if they are bothered. If they reset you for this, they probably need some self care too, but feel too guilty to take it. Also, if you have given too much for too long, the people in your life may have grown accustomed to your giving all the time and they now take your sacrifices for granted. They expect you to give without ever taking care of you. The only way to change this (so they appreciate you more) is to show them that you are valuable and take care of yourself. This may mean saying no and on occasion sacrificing their needs for yours. They may not like this at first, but they will respect you more in the end for doing it, I promise. (Though don't go overboard and become selfish either. You must find a healthy balance.) Here are some signs that your emotional tank is running low and you need more self-care:
You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular coach and speaker. This article was first published on KSL.comQuestion:
I watch the news and I get depressed. There are so many problems and scary things unfolding. Our country seems to be falling apart, violence and hate is everywhere. It’s hard not to get discouraged. I wish I could do something to make a difference, but I don’t have influence or money. Do you have any advice for those of us getting depressed by the state of the world and feeling helpless to do anything? Answer: In one of my favorite Michael Jackson songs, he says, “You have to start with the man in the mirror. If you want to make the world a better place, then look at yourself, and make a change.” I believe this is true. Changing the world starts with each of us working on ourselves. You can’t personally fix the big problems in the world, but there are a lot of things you CAN control and make right in your own life that will greatly influence the world and people around you, and if we all did this — we could change everything. Think about it — most of the big things that have happened on this planet for both good and evil — started with one person. Martin Luther King Jr. was only 26 years old when he started leading the civil rights movement and all he did was speak up about his ideas. He had no clue the impact his ideas would have. Steve Jobs believed that every single soul on this planet should and could “make a dent in the universe” even just in their family, their community or their place of business, and if we all did this, great things could happen. A single drop of water in the middle of a lake sends out ripples that reach almost every corner. In the same way, every time you make a good choice, do a random act of kindness, choose love over fear, or choose to see another person as the same as you, ripples of good energy are sent out into the universe. The problem is that most of us don’t think our small efforts matter, so we don’t try hard enough. We can’t see these ripples of positive energy we send into the world, so we think we aren’t powerful, but we are. Albert Einstein said, “The world will not be destroyed by those who do evil but by those who watch them, without doing anything.” You cannot continue to think you don’t matter. We all matter. We are not small and powerless. We have incredible power, and using that power starts with controlling what happens in our own heads and our own behavior. One of my favorite authors, Napoleon Hill, said, “Human beings are given complete control over nothing save the power to think their own thoughts.” The sad part is that most of us deny we have this power over our minds. We honestly believe outside influences force us to think or feel the way we do. We think people can make us mad or hurt our feelings, but this isn’t true. You have complete control over what you think and feel. No one can make you mad without your permission. No one can hurt your feelings without your participation. You decide whether or not to be upset, how you will feel about events or people, and how you will behave. You can choose trust, love, honesty, tolerance, forgiveness, kindness and peace in every moment of your day. You can do that, and if enough of us did, we could completely outnumber the ones choosing judgment, arrogance, hate, criticism, racism, dishonesty and war. You also have power to influence the people around you. You can show them another way to live with your peaceful, tolerant, loving, honest, genuine, trusting energy. You can literally push them away from fear and toward love. When you choose to live in love, you send out energy that attracts others to join you. You may not be able to change THE world today — but you can change YOUR world today! If you are bothered with the violence, distrust, judgment, and division that you see in the world right now, especially in the Middle East or Ferguson, Missouri, you can be part of the solution right now by making sure you see the people around you accurately. You must see past the differences and love people where they are. Most of the conflict on this planet happens because we see ourselves as different from other people and subconsciously assume that some of us must be better and some of us worse. Differences like race, religion, political party and ideology divide us and we subconsciously see others as the bad guys. It would be a huge step toward changing the world if YOU (and all of us) would consciously choose to see every human being (that crosses our path) as having the same value we do. We must stop seeing ourselves as better than others. We must choose to honor and respect their right to be on their journey and have their own beliefs. This means choosing to love those with different religious beliefs, sexual orientation, economic or social class, those from a different neighborhood, who cheer for the rival college, who vote for the other party or who think your religion is crazy. All of them have the same value as you. They are not the bad guys just because they think different, look different, or act different. If you could start there, making that change, you could change the world. You could eliminate racism, prejudice, judgment, criticism and hate from your own head and heart, which will attract others to you. Don’t worry, this doesn't mean giving up your values. It just means choosing to see love as the highest law. Here are some things you can control today that can make you better. You can control:
You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular coach and speaker. This was first published on KSL.COM
Question: There is almost no physical intimacy in my marriage and I miss the sexual activity I thought I would have when I got married. I find myself resenting my wife and feeling frustrated because I did not get married to see how long I could go without sex. I feel discouraged with myself because I should be able to "suck it up" and stop having these feelings of resentment. I keep telling myself that maybe this is a challenge I am supposed to overcome, yet I sometimes talk to a friend who says I'm crazy to put up with it. Any suggestions? Answer: I get letters with basically this same question at least twice a week, so you are not alone on this one. I’d like to address the problem and then give some suggestions to both husbands and wives on fixing this situation. For many, the heart of the problem is that while most boys grow up hearing positive things about sex, most women grew up hearing nothing but shameful negatives. Women who were sexual were seen as sluts, and sex was talked about like it was dirty and wrong. As teens, many women are still curious about sex, which means they are open to learning about it, but now they have the negative subconscious programming. Needless to say, many women from Christian families are ill-prepared for marriage and don't understand how important sex is in their relationship and how beautiful it can be. Then, add to that resentment, hurt feelings and betrayals of trust that often happen (like criticism that makes a woman feel emotionally unsafe) or to find out that a husband has been looking at pornography (which makes sex feel more dirty) and many women lose interest in the whole thing. This is a complex issue and it can’t be fixed in an article, but repairing the intimacy in your relationship is vital. You cannot have a healthy relationship without it. There is a reason they call it “making love.” It is the most meaningful way to express love for another person. Also remember the main reason you are here on this planet is to learn and grow, and especially to learn to love. Your marriage is going to be the most important class you will take on this subject. So whatever the disconnect is between you and your wife, you are both going to have to grow and become more loving to fix it. Here are some things each spouse can do to start the process of repairing intimacy in their marriage. Husbands: 1) Be more kind, appreciative and validating: Most women can’t feel amorous when they don't feel emotionally safe. Does your wife feel resentful, angry or walked on at any level? If you are prone to criticism, sarcasm, negative comments or if you just don’t give enough positive validation, this could be a huge part of the problem. Your wife needs to feel admired, appreciated and cherished. She needs to see that you feel lucky to be married to such an amazing woman. (If you have been disappointed because of her sexuality issues and she feels this, it could be making her pull away further to protect herself.) She needs to be showered with praise and appreciation for who she is, as she is. Nothing makes a woman more interested in a man than him thinking she is the most amazing woman in the world. 2) Be the kind of man she can look up to: If you are voluntarily slacking in your responsibilities either in or out of the home, you need to step it up. This may mean exercising and getting in shape, spending less time in front of the TV or finding a better job. You may even ask her what you could be doing that would make her admire you more. She may want to see you deal with some of your own self-esteem, abandonment, career or emotional issues. This could mean getting some professional help and working on you. If you do this and gain some confidence, that will also make you more attractive. 3) Be more generous and giving: This means setting aside your own needs and focusing more on what she needs. This may mean helping around the house and with the children more. It could also mean honoring her feelings when she needs a good night’s rest. Being resentful or complaining that she isn't meeting your needs, isn't showing love and it makes you just as unloving as her. Most couples find it works better if you let the woman initiate sex. I know you fear that if you do this, it will never happen, but being patient and giving her a chance to do this could reverse the cycle of her feeling taken from and you feeling rejected. Now, she might feel more motivated to give to you, and trust me, it will mean more to you when she does. Remember, women must feel emotionally safe and totally admired, accepted and cherished for every part of who they are before they can give sex as an expression of love. When you give more to them, they will want to give more to you. (If she doesn't respond to this, there are deeper issues in play.) 4) Avoid pornography: Pornography will harm your marriage in two ways. One, it will create unrealistic expectations that a normal wife and mother will not be comfortable fulfilling and two, it will trigger body image fears and feelings of betrayal that are difficult for a woman to get past. If a pornography problem has already created these issues in your marriage, you may both need some professional help to repair them. The good news is that you can repair them. They are not the end of the world, but you must get some help. Wives: 1) See a doctor or mental health professional: If you suspect a physical or psychological problem is in play, seek out some professional help. There are hormone imbalances and medications that can negatively affect libido. You also want to make sure you don’t have experiences in your past that are creating negative feelings around sex. 2) Be more forgiving: I believe forgiveness is the No. 1 lesson you are here to learn in the classroom of life, and your marriage is the class where you will learn it. You must understand that you are no better than your spouse. You have the same exact value (even if he has made mistakes). You may not have made those mistakes, but you have made other ones, and your inability to forgive him is every bit as bad as his faults and weaknesses. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but you need to hear this. You are in here to learn to become a better, more loving person. If you don’t learn this lesson now and forgive him for being imperfect, the universe will keep bringing this lesson back until you do. I have written numerous articles on forgiveness that may help, and there are two forgiveness worksheets on mywebsite that might help. (Obviously, if you have an abusive spouse, then you need professional help immediately. But most of you just have a struggling, scared and occasionally clueless spouse who should be forgiven and given another chance, just like you. ) 3) Be more generous and giving: This means setting aside your needs and focusing more on giving to your spouse and caring for him. This will mean initiating sex and doing it often. Sex is a more meaningful experience for all involved if the woman initiates it and enjoys it. A man desperately wants to be wanted by his wife and honestly gets more out of pleasing you than getting his own needs met. Your man wants sex to be an expression of love for each other, and a “quicky” that gets it over fast isn’t fulfilling to him at all. (Imagine how you would feel if he told you to go take a relaxing bubble bath as his gift to you — “Oh but can you just jump in and out real quick.”) That is not an expression of love. I know that as a mother you give and give, and some nights you have nothing left, but you must set aside time and energy to give to your spouse if you want a marriage that lasts and a spouse who takes care of you. 4) Work on your self-esteem: If you have body image issues or suffer from fears that you aren’t good enough, you are literally incapable of giving love the way you should be. Most women suffer greatly from feelings of inadequacy, and these feelings must be repaired if you want a healthy marriage. We believe most people need professional coaching or counseling to change this. Ask your spouse to help pay for this, because a confident woman has more to give. 5) Communicate: Tell your husband exactly what he can do or change that would make you more attracted to him. Be frank and honest and kind. If there is no way that you can get past issues, or the issues are things he can’t change, you need to be honest about that too, so he can decide if this relationship is right for him. I believe you should try everything in your power to repair your marriage and learn the powerful lessons your relationship can teach you, but for some of you the lesson could mean loving yourself enough to get out, especially if the other person isn’t capable or interested in changing. Only you know which path is right for you. Just make sure you have done the work on yourself first and learned how to forgive. That way you won't repeat the same pattern. I would say don't "suck it up live with it." Instead, take action and get some help to fix the underlying issues. You can do this! First Published on KSL.comQuestion:
I have a pretty negative outlook on life. Not sure why, but things bother me and I get bent out of shape by people and situations quite often. I am pessimistic and I can’t stop being this way. It is just the way I think. Though my family complains about it, I can’t seem to think any other way. How can I change this, when there really are a lot of negative situations around me? Answer: You first must fully accept that your thoughts are in your control. Nothing can make you upset or feel negatively about anything unless you choose to. As a matter of fact, every situation and circumstance is basically neutral and means nothing — until you apply meaning to it. It appears that your subconscious programming (that has been running the show since childhood) is mostly fear-based, so you’re running on negative autopilot most of the time. But you can change this. You can consciously choose positive thoughts in any moment. This is simple to understand, but it is going to take some practice to master. In every situation you must stop and use your brain to make a change. You must change your mindset by asking yourself these simple questions:
I was not happy about this. My automatic response was to be mad and even make her feel bad for being forgetful. But in that moment I chose to stop and use my brain to change my mindset. I decided the only way I could see this (going back) as a good thing was if going back had just saved us from a horrible car accident up the road. If I chose to imagine this outcome, it would completely change my attitude towards my daughter. I might even thank her for forgetting her things and saving our lives. I realize this was a stretch of my imagination, but it still made good sense to experience it this way, because I was going to have to go back no matter what. The only thing in question was my attitude. I could have a negative attitude and make her feel bad, or I could choose to trust the universe that everything happens serves me (even when I can’t see how) and treat my daughter with kindness. Which option feels better to you? I also asked my daughter (in a loving way) to be more careful next time, but I didn’t make her feel guilty because I had chosen to see this detour as our perfect journey. When I get a flat tire, or lose an opportunity, or lose a friend — I chose to trust the universe it knows what it's doing and this circumstance is here to serve me in some way. The universe knows what it's doing. In his amazing book "Man’s Search for Meaning," Viktor Frankl (as a prisoner in a concentration camp) discovered this truth about choosing our thoughts. He found that he had complete control over nothing but his inner state and could choose his attitude even in the worst of circumstances. He further explored this principle as a psychotherapist after the war and taught his patients to look for another reason (even a good reason) that a bad thing might happen. He believed if they could see a positive purpose for it, if the bad thing at least counted for something good, they would suffer less. He explained this principle by telling the story of an old man who came to him for counseling. This man’s wife had passed away, leaving him alone and terribly depressed. Frankl asked the man what would have happened if he had died first, leaving his wife alone. How would she have fared? The man told Frankl that being left alone would have been terrible for her. She greatly depended on the man for support and would have suffered horribly alone. Frankl then proposed the idea that maybe the universe had given him the beautiful opportunity to save her from suffering. What if there was purpose in her passing first? If given the choice wouldn’t he have wanted to spare her that misery and taken the years of loneliness in her place? When the man saw his situation in this light his perspective and his attitude shifted. He could see the good in his situation and it did lessen the suffering. It also helped him to turn the tragedy into a human achievement. He chose to use his time alone to become a wiser, kinder, more giving person instead of a bitter, lonely one. You have this same choice in every situation. You can choose to see positive and grow from a tragedy or setback. You can choose to see every experience as a lesson in your classroom journey. You can use your conscious mind to choose meaning in it and create a more positive picture. Frankl defined conscious as “the intuitive capacity of man to find out the meaning of a situation.” He believed there is unconditional meaning in everything and you can find it if you take the time and put your brain to use. This is the bottom line — you are going to apply meaning to everything anyway, so you might as well do it consciously and choose something positive — don’t let negative thinking run your life. If life is a classroom and you are here to learn and grow (especially to learn to love) then when anything happens (you lose a job, get a flat tire, break your leg, lose an important paper or lose a loved one), stop and ask yourself: What could this situation be here to teach me and how could it help me become more loving? In every negative there is a lesson, a gift of knowledge or a positive side. There is order in the universe and every experience is here to serve your growth and learning. Life is your servant, serving your education — not your enemy. It would change your life if you chose gratitude and curiosity instead of negativity. In my book "Choosing Clarity: The path to fearlessness," I recommend writing an official policy about the nature of life and how you are going to choose to see it. Then read the policy out loud daily. This simple practice will create a more positive attitude, I promise. You can do this! |
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AuthorKimberly Giles is the president and founder of Claritypoint Life Coaching and 12 SHAPES INC. She is an author and professional speaker. She was named one of the top 20 advice gurus in the country by Good Morning America in 2010. She appears regularly on local and national TV and Radio. Archives
March 2022
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