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Question: I consider myself a pretty optimistic person. My husband on the other hand is very negative, holds tons of resentment and is always complaining. It really is hard to be around all the negativity from him and his entire family. It's definitely a coping mechanism they all have developed. I get annoyed and shut down when he's like this and when I have ever tried to talk to him about it he gets very defensive and withdraws himself. He says he feels he can't talk to me about a lot of stuff because he doesn't want to upset me or sound like he is complaining too much... Please tell me how I can find peace with this because I know I can't make him change. I want to strengthen our relationship and communication, but I feel lost on what to do. I also worry the negative attitude will rub off on my children and that really bothers me. Answer: In my last two articles I’ve addressed levels of consciousness and the effects of negative fear-based thinking on your life, but when your spouse is filling your world with negative energy, they can easily pull you down with them. Your significant other has more power to affect your mood than anyone else because of how important they are to you, but that is no excuse for giving your power away. You can and must remain in control of yourself and your emotions every day, especially when your spouse is struggling. You going down (in energy and spirit) with them, won’t help anyone. Here are some things you can do to maintain your positive energy in any situation and influence your negative spouse to get more positive. First, you must understand a couple basic principles of human behavior that will help you see your spouse’s behavior accurately and remain in control of your attitude. Principle 1: All bad behavior is based in that person’s fears for and about them. Most of the time a person with a negative attitude is either terribly afraid they might not be good enough (they have a fear of failure) or they are afraid of loss (being walked on, taken from, or mistreated). These two core fears make them see everyone as a threat. That can also make them overly sensitive to feeling offended, put down or cheated and they will often see offenses that aren’t really there. They may also be subconsciously selfish (overly focused on their own concerns and needs) and have a hard time seeing anyone else’s. Make sure you don't take their lack of attention towards you personally. It is about their fear about themselves. It is not about you. Principle 2: People in fear will complain and point out the bad in everything and everyone. They do this because if they stay focused on the bad outside themselves, it distracts them from the bad they are afraid is inside them. If they can cast anyone or anything as “the bad one” that subconsciously makes them feel like they must be the “good one.” This is just one of the quirky subconscious ways we humans deal with fear of failure and we all do this (even you at times) so don’t stand in judgment here. We call this tendency the “shame and blame game.” When you feel shame or fear about yourself, you automatically look for someone else and their bad to focus on. I want you to understand this because I’m pretty sure your husband is battling some internal fears of failure or loss. It probably helps him at some level to focus on the bad in everything around him so he doesn’t have to deal with his fear. It would be better if he could escape the fear and focus on the positive, of course, but until he learns to do that, you are right, this is his coping mechanism. I find it helps me to accurately understand why people do this so I don’t take anything they say personally, especially when the blame comes my way. Make sure you choose forgiveness, compassion and accuracy towards your husband and understand that his negative attitude could even be serving a purpose in your life. Yes, I said that. His negative attitude, like everything else in the classroom of life is here to serve you in some way. This may be serving you by providing a beautiful opportunity to practice choosing a positive attitude when it’s hard to do. This relationship is helping you learn to be stronger, wiser and more loving. Every time he is negative, you get to practice choosing gratitude, unconditional love and peace. If you see your situation this way, you will focus more on your own behavior, instead of being bothered by his. There are some great articles about choosing your mindset and not getting upset by things on my website. They might help you to gain more control over your emotions when things get rough at home. (Look for the white arrow.) There are also a couple of things you could also do to help him change his negative outlook (and that secret to a happy marriage is coming). Don't go into this trying to change your husband. You have to go into this determined to love your husband more, not change him, and trust that love often creates change. If you do this right, you won’t change him - he will change himself. Then, everyone wins. (These suggestions, by the way, also apply to teens, parents or anyone else you would like to influence for the better.) 1 - Understand that every person (especially your spouse and children) wants to feel these four things on a daily basis. More than anything else they want to feel:
If you answered no, this is the problem in your relationship. You are probably bringing fear, disappointment, resentment and rejection energy into your marriage and no marriage can survive that for long. Understand that every interaction you have with your spouse is creating either more love energy or more fear energy in the relationship. Over time, whichever you have brought more of wins. You might even keep a tally of every interaction you have during a week and mark down a point for love if you made them feel those four things, and one for fear, if you brought anything negative into the conversation. This is a great way to see how you're doing. These interactions are also influencing the way your partner sees himself. If you want to help this person to feel better about himself and life, this is one thing you can do to help him. Make sure you do or say something everyday that makes your spouse (child or parent) feel respected, admired, appreciated and wanted. Make this your number one focus. You cannot be responsible for fixing this person’s self-esteem, because in the end he/she is the only one in control of it, but if you do these four things, every day, you can literally change the way he/she sees their self. You can lessen their fear of failure. I mean, if a man is respected, admired, appreciated and wanted by his wife, he must not be failing too bad. Right? This is the real secret to a happy marriage. Each person must make their spouse feel respected, admired, appreciate and wanted every day. 2) The second thing you might try is an approach we call the Encouragement Technique. Basically, you sit down with a pen and paper and describe this person at their very best. How would they behave if they were being the person they have the potential to be. Get a clear picture of this amazing person on paper. Then look for opportunities to tell them this is who they are, right now. Thank them for being that way (even if they hardly are). In your case, you might look for anything positive in his outlook and say, “Babe you are such a positive person these days. I love how your outlook on life has changed lately. You are an amazing man who sees the good in everyone. I sure love that about you.” If you say these kinds of things often enough, your husband will literally start seeing himself as a positive person. This technique works because people want to live up to your highest opinion of them. (Some people say they feel like they are lying when they first try this technique, but I think of it more as seeing the best in the person, even before they can see it.) It works amazingly well on kids, too. Keep telling them how amazing, smart, kind and honest they are, and if you say it often enough, this is who they will become. Remember, love is always the answer. No amount of nagging, talking, pointing things out, begging for changes, or threatening will ever change a situation the way love can. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular life coach and speaker.
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Question: Our marriage is in trouble. We both get offended and hurt all the time. I don’t want this much contention in my life and I know my wife doesn’t either, but neither one of us knows how to fix it. We have tried counseling and honestly it made things worse, all we did is fight with a mediator. We never learned to change ourselves. Is there any other options to make some real changes? Answer: When everything else hasn’t worked, chances are you have some deep subconscious fears of failure and loss that are creating problems in your relationship. You and your spouse probably have some inaccurate beliefs about yourself and life too, which are creating defensiveness, selfishness and resentment. Here are some common signs of a fear problem in your subconscious programming. See if any of these sound familiar.
The problem in most marriages is selfishness and defensiveness, and both of these are caused by fear. There is a worksheet called “Understanding your Marriage” on the website too and it will help you to see how fear is affecting your relationship and why. You and your spouse should both fill this out individually. I suspect your wife is terribly afraid of failure. She may be afraid she isn’t good enough as a wife and mother. She may have body-image issues or she may be afraid she can’t measure up in other ways. These fears are playing out in her subconscious programming. She doesn’t want to be easily offended or resentful, it just happens automatically. Remember, subconscious thought processes create your emotions. You are likely to feel offended before you understand why. You are offended because you are subconsciously afraid you aren’t good enough and you are projecting that fear onto your spouse. Because you don’t think you’re good enough, you will believe your spouse doesn’t think you’re good enough either. Then, you will unintentionally look for proof that you are right about this. When you find this proof, which could really be inaccurate perceptions of the events, you will use it to cast him or her as the bad person and that will create growing resentment in the relationship. Fear thinking is quite irrational, yet it feels real. As the husband you may also battle fears of failure at work, your own body-image issues, fears of loss or not measuring up or fears of not being appreciated. You also won’t mean to get offended or mad so easy, but it will happen subconsciously. If your wife starts complaining about her life, which is really about her fears about herself not being good enough, this could trigger your fear of failure you were already battling all day at work and because you feel subconsciously responsible for your wife's happiness. You might feel mad and resentful that she’s not happy and assume it's about you. Your fears of not being good enough could lead to criticizing her. You don’t want to feel or behave this way, you are just subconsciously reacting in the only way you know how. That doesn’t mean you both can’t change it though. You have the power to change your conscious and subconscious fears and beliefs. It will take some work though. There are many coaches and counselors out there who specialize in this kind of cognitive work. I highly recommend you keep looking for a professional to help you do this. It makes changing much easier. The first step to changing your subconscious programming is to understand it and become conscious of how and why you react to situations the way you do. Start paying more attention when you get bothered, offended or upset. See if you can tell what you are really afraid of — failure (looking bad, being rejected or not good enough) or afraid of loss (losing out or being taken from at some level). Just identifying what is happening will help a great deal. You both also need to do some work on your self-esteem. Repairing your own self-esteem is the best thing you can do for your marriage. You must also start watching for offenses and consciously noticing your reactions. You will start to see that your automatic reaction isn’t your only choice. You could choose not to react. You could respond instead from a place of trust and love. The next time your spouse insults you, remember the insult is just words or thoughts and these can’t actually diminish who you are, they cannot change you or determine your value. Most thoughts and words are coming from someone who isn’t seeing you or the situation accurately anyway. Their fears are skewing their perspective and the insult probably has more to do with how they are feeling about themselves, than it does about you. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t check yourself though. Is there any truth to it? Is there a lesson for you here? Could it serve you to learn something from this feedback? But also remind yourself that it’s just a lesson and it doesn’t mean you are inadequate as a person in any way. Your value is not on the line. You have more to learn, but you are good enough as you are right now. Just remember most marriage problems are happening because one or both spouses is afraid and suffering from self-esteem problems (fear of failure) or is overly sensitive to feeling taken from or not being in control. These are subconscious fear problems and nothing will get better until the underlying fear issue is addressed. You may want to read my five-part series on Repairing your Marriage that was published on KSL earlier this year. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular coach and speaker. This article was first published on KSL.com
Question: The main issue in our relationship is that my husband chooses to believe that I have cheated on him when I haven’t. I have been faithful to him. I hardly ever leave the house. I work from home and have given him no reason at all to think this. People have said to me that usually the accuser is the guilty one, but in my heart I don’t believe he has cheated on me either. I just don’t know what to do anymore. How can I get him to trust me and stop being afraid of this all the time? Answer: You can’t really fix this on your own. Your husband will probably need some professional help to deal with his control, fear and trust issues. I will tell you a few things that may help you to understand where it's coming from though. Most people, who have deep trust issues, have experienced one or more of the following, which have created deep wounds at the subconscious level. See if any of these sound familiar. Did he have a controlling, fearful, inconsistent, angry parent that didn’t make him feel safe? Did he experience the loss or betrayal of a parent or loved one? Did he have a parent who was distant, cold or unloving? Did he have a loved one with excessive anger or control issues? Does he have some deep, unresolved self-esteem issues, poor body image, or rejection in childhood that has stayed with him? Was he controlled by a parent and does he project his fear of being controlled onto you, even though he is the one who is controlling? People who grow up with a very controlling, manipulative parent or experienced loss as a child are often distrustful of their spouses. This kind of childhood pain can create powerful subconscious anger, rage, distrust or control issues which they may project onto you, even with no evidence to support it. Some people with these kinds of childhood problems end up with conditions like narcissism or borderline personality disorder. (You may want to read about these conditions and see if the symptoms sound familiar.) If your husband has a problem like this, nothing but professional help is going to change things. If he refuses to get help and continues to be controlling, distrustful or angry, you will have to decide if you can live with it or want out. If the situation is not quite that serious — or in the meantime while you are waiting to get help — here are a few things experts say you could do: Be an open book. Be totally honest about everything you do (and unafraid to be that way). Let him have total access to your cellphone, email and social media. Let him know that you have nothing to hide and no fear about him seeing everything you do. The less scared you are, the more calm you will create in your home. Stay in trust that your value is infinite and absolute, and doesn’t change based on what he thinks, says or does. You are bulletproof and good enough all the time, no matter what mood he is in or how bad he sees you today. Your value doesn’t change! This will prevent you from being hurt or getting defensive. Let everything bounce off. I know this is hard to do but it is the only way to not get pulled into his drama and anger. Stay calm and cool. It’s not a fight without two participants. If you are unafraid and calm it will be no fun to fight with you. You must stay bulletproof no matter what he says. When he accuses you, say, "You can choose to believe that but it doesn't make it true. I stand by my love for you." Remember that every mean comment is a projection of his pain. It is not really about you. He is miserable and scared and doesn’t want to own it alone. Seeing this situation accurately will help you not get pulled in. Remember life is a classroom to teach us love and we always marry our greatest teachers. This is a chance for you to learn to choose love over defensiveness — at a really serious level. You must start seeing past the blame and accusations and see the wounded, scared soul that he is. When you see each comment as today’s lesson to teach you to be calm and loving, you will show up with more love for him. This mature response may calm him down, too. I have written about this story before, but I think it really applies here. There is an old legend that a man started insulting and verbally abusing Buddha. Buddha let the man go on for a while, then asked, “May I ask you a question?” The man responded, "What?” Buddha said, “If someone offers you a gift and you decline to accept it, who does it belong to?” The man said, “Then it belongs to the person who offered it. He must keep it.” “That is correct," and with that, Buddha walked away. Number five is based on this idea. Don’t take his distrust personally. It is not really about you. It is about his subconscious insecurity. He has some serious fear and self-worth issues and they aren’t about you. You can try to reassure and validate him, but at the end of the day you cannot be responsible for his issues or fix them. He has to do that. Keep asking him (calmly) to join you in some marriage counseling. Tell him you really want a better, happier marriage and "everyone is doing it these days." This is true, more people than ever are reaching out for professional help. Marriage counseling doesn’t have the stigma it had in the past. Explain to him that asking for help is a sign of his strength, not weakness. (As I said before, if he refuses to get help, you will have to decide if it’s your perfect journey to stick it out or leave.) Don’t cast him as the bad guy because of these trust issues. You both are souls with infinite absolute value — the same value. He is just scared — he is not a bad person. Make sure you choose to see both of you as the same, struggling scared students in the classroom of life, doing the best you can with what you know. See him as a equal and remember that you have issues and flaws, too. If you always choose to see him as the same as you, you won’t talk down to him, which would make him even angrier. You may want to consider burying the past together. Get two pieces of paper and each of you write all the things that your spouse has done in the past that you still have pain and hurt about. Put those lists in a shoebox and bury them in the backyard. (Bury them deep.) Make a commitment not to bring those issues up ever again unless you first go dip the box up. Unless you are willing to do that, you can’t bring those issues back. This helps to facilitate mutual forgiveness for many couples. I know how painful these situations can be and my heart goes out to you. You may want to read my book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" for more tips on eliminating fear from your marriage. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular coach and speaker. This article was first published on KSL.com
Questions: 1) For the past several years my wife has acted like I have horrible cooties. She pulls away from any touch, sometimes gives me "the look" that she is annoyed when I tell her I love her. It hurts so much when she refuses to allow me to show any physical affection or love and I'm not talking about the S word. I gave up on that long ago. I would be happy with a cuddle or a hug or even a pat on the back. I love my wife and I am committed to her and sticking with her, but this situation hurts. Any advice? 2) I am suffering with grief and discouragement because my wife refuses to have physical intimacy with me. I cannot be happy in life without this. I want my life to include being with someone who loves me and wants me. I am considering leaving her because I believe I have the right to be happy, even though it will cause issues with our grown children. This is the most difficult decision of my life. Am I right that I deserve happiness and if she refuses to be loving towards me, I have the right to leave? Answer: I decided to answer these two questions together because though one person has decided to stay in their marriage and one is deciding to leave — what they are both seeking (happiness) is the same and the answer to gaining this happiness is also the same. (I would ask readers on the comment boards to be compassionate towards these people and their situations and honor their right to follow their own hearts about what is right for them. I appreciate you not judging them for their choices.) I wrote a recent article on creating more intimacy in marriage if you are interested in that. It is important and we should try to fix this important part of a good relationship. But this article is going to address how to be happy when life disappoints you and I believe this may be one of the most important articles I’ve ever written. I hope everyone will read it, share it and ponder the truth of the principles behind it. When you understood these principles you will be able to choose happiness in any situation of life. Here are five important universal principles about the nature of life: Principle 1: It is the nature of the universe that everything changes. Every misery, problem, blessing and joy is impermanent. They come and go, ebb and flow. In every situation you can accurately say “this too will pass” because though some situation take longer to change, everything eventually changes. You can see the truth of this in nature, the seasons and in life and death. Principle 2: In every moment there will be things in your life that you don’t like and wish weren’t there. You may have health problems, financial problems, a leaky roof, a mean neighbor, or a wife who is struggling with love. You can experience a great deal of aversion towards these horrible things and their presence in your life. You can create feelings of misery, anger or self-pity. Your disappointment and frustration towards these less than ideal circumstances can create suffering. Principle 3: In every moment of your life there are things you want but don’t have. You can have intense and painful cravings for these missing things. You may have an urge to shop and buy things to feel better, drink alcohol, take drugs, you may obsess over clothes, your house or hobbies, you may watch too much television or overeat. You may ache because you want a child, to be married or have a better marriage to someone who is more affectionate. All of this can lead to craving, which creates misery and suffering. Principle 4: In every moment of your life there are great things you do have in your life and are glad you have. You may take these things for granted, though, until you lose them. When you experience loss, your perspective often shifts and you realize how grateful you were for the blessing. There are countless good things to be grateful for every moment of your life. Principle 5: In every moment of your life there are bad things that are not in your life, which you are also grateful for. These are often taken for granted until they happen to someone near you. This causes your perspective to shift and you realize how grateful you are not to have that in your life. When we put these five principles together it gives us what I call “The Law of the Nature of Life.” It says everything is impermanent and changing, always shifting between these four categories every day, but all four categories always exist in one’s life — all the time. Your misery or happiness is based on your focus and how you choose to see, feel and think about your life as it is. This is the one critically important secret of happiness: You are causing your suffering with your craving and aversion towards "what is." You can end your misery right now with a shift in your perspective. You can choose gratitude and happiness in this moment. I know in moments of intense suffering and heartache it is hard to accept this idea. You will want to believe your circumstances are responsible for your misery. You will want to be a victim of the situation, but this doesn’t change the truth. You get to decide how happy each moment will be. Your life will never be perfect. There will always be problems, but you can focus on what’s right in your life and understand that everything is here for a perfect reason to help you learn and grow. Life is a classroom and every experience is here to educate you and teach you love. To the first man who has decided to stay in his marriage even though it is painful and difficult, this is my advice: If you want relief from suffering, you will have to focus on what you do have. You must decide to be grateful and happy as things are and refuse to dwell in misery, craving or aversion. It is not easy to do, though. I’m battling chronic health issues myself that I wish I didn’t have, and it is a battle night and day to choose happiness over misery, but I promise you — you have the power to do this. As you practice this you will also show up less needy and more confident around your wife. You will be able to give acts of service to her without any strings attached. There is a chance this change in you could change the environment in your marriage, but you can’t start craving this outcome. You must let go of needing or expecting it to be better and be happy now. I find that ViPassana meditation really helps me, and you may want to work with a coach or counselor who can help you learn to control your thinking. There is also a new worksheet on my website that shows the nature of life and helps you inventory your situation daily and choose gratitude. To the second man who is thinking about leaving his wife: I would recommend that you work on shifting your perspective and learning to be happy now before you make the choice to leave. If you don’t learn how to be grateful and happy in this moment, you may find yourself in a new situation (which will still have something missing because that is the nature of life) and you may still be unhappy. If you would work on choosing happiness now, it will do one of two things. It will either create more love in your marriage or you will still know that leaving is right for you, but you will leave with the skills to create happiness wherever you end up. There are obviously periods of situational suffering and misery in life where you are entitled to some disappointment, grief, misery and pain — and it is OK and normal to experience this. You should feel unhappy, mourn, have a pity-party and feel a sense of loss, but you shouldn't live there. Understanding the true nature of life and learning to focus on the blessings will help you to accept situations you can’t change and choose to be happy anyway. Buddha said, “Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.” He meant that your situation does not determine your happiness. The way you choose to think and feel about life does. You have the power to be at peace right now. I know this is a hard one — but you can do it. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a coach and speaker. This article was first published on KSL.com
Question: My spouse has done some things that really bother me. He is now committed to making our marriage work, but I just can’t let his past bad behavior go. I’m trying to forgive, but I can’t seen to really get there and there is a definite wedge between us. I have no idea how to fix it? Is there anyway to fully repair our relationship and be happy with him again? Answer: It is possible to fix your relationship and even fall back in love again, but it is only possible if you are both willing to forgive past mistakes and see this situation accurately as a lesson in love. I believe life is a classroom and every experience you get here is a lesson with the primary purpose of teaching you how to love yourself and other people at a deeper level. If that is true, it makes sense that you would get a lot of opportunities to forgive past mistakes, faults, flaws, differences and disagreements. It is in doing this you learn real love. I believe that your family (children and spouse) are going to be your primary forgiveness classroom because they are the ones who best push your buttons, scare you and hurt you. You must choose to see these family problems accurately — as lessons in love. This will change how you feel about them. Here are a couple principles of truth that will help you to better understand and practice forgiveness:
If you continue to struggle with forgiveness, I really encourage you to work with a counselor or coach who can help you battle the mindset issues that make forgiveness difficult. I also have some forgiveness worksheets on my website that may help. You can do this! Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular coach and speaker. Question:
Every time I read or hear something about improving communication I try it with my husband and we do better for a little while, but then we have a disagreement and always seem to fall back into our old ways. How can we stop this cycle? I know we won't ever be perfect at it, but how can we not fall into our same traps all the time? Answer: You are definitely not alone on this. It is human nature to slide back into old habits, even if we know better. A study in the Oct. 20, 2005, issue of Nature, by Ann Graybiel, a professor at MIT, showed that neuron activity in the brain gets set when we form a habit. Changing that behavior is difficult, because the brain’s neuro pathways want to keep doing what they’ve always done. But you do have the power to change. The first step is becoming aware of your subconscious habits of thinking and the traps that trigger your old behavior. (You may want to take the Fear Assessment on my website, to see your subconscious programs and how they affect you.) In this last communication article I want to share five common pitfalls of communication with which many couples struggle. They come from Dr. John Lund. 1. Asking leading questions There are a couple of ways we do this. One is we ask for someone's opinion when we don't really want an answer, like if you ask your husband if you should buy a new coffee table when you've already decided you want to buy it. Another way is when we ask a question hoping for a specific answer, like while driving home, a woman says to her husband, "Do you want to stop and get a treat on our way?" and he takes the question literally and responds, "No, thanks, I'd rather just get home." Well, she's hurt because she wanted to stop! What she should say is, "I would like to stop and get a treat, is that OK with you?" We have to watch for a subconscious tendency to do this because it is game-playing. We need to shoot straight and just ask for what we want. 2. Mixed messages There are three ways that we send messages (communication signals) to each other: facial expressions or body language; tone of voice; and the actual words. Sometimes these communication signals don't match up and these are a mixed message. For example, if I have asked my son several times to clean his room and he still hasn't done it, I might say to him in a tense voice, "Will you please clean your room?" He then tells me not to get so mad and I respond, "I said please." The negative tone of voice and the positive words don't match up. We pay the most attention to facial expressions and body language, tone of voice is second, and the actual words are last. My son hears my tone of voice and that discounts the word "please." So we need to work on making sure our body language and tone of voice agree and hold each other accountable for our words only (this is content communication that we talked about last week). 3. Don't ask if you don't want to know This is a common area where women may not communicate clearly. Think about asking your husband if he thinks you should rearrange the living room furniture (when you already know you want to) and he says no. Now, you have created a problem. You asked his opinion, but you are going to reject it because it isn’t the answer you wanted. According to Lund, men are known to defend their opinion even if it's not the best idea because they are really subconsciously defending their ego. So, it would be better to tell your husband that you are going to move the furniture and ask for his help doing it. Another option is to say upfront, "I'd like to move the furniture. You have some really good insights though, so will you give me your opinion, but then support whatever decision I make?" 4. Hint-dropping Again, women are more notorious for this than men. You might comment about how bad the garbage smells, hoping your husband will jump up and take the garbage out. Or you might mention several times how amazing your friend's husband is because he cooks dinner every Sunday, hoping your husband will start doing that. In general, husbands want their wives to be happy and would rather just be told in a loving way what you would appreciate from them. Hint-dropping can be game-playing and you will always build a better relationship if you shoot straight. 5. If you have to ask, it doesn't count Another way to say it is, "If you really care about me, you would know." This is probably the most common and most detrimental communication pitfall, and we hear this from our clients all the time. What you're really expecting is someone to read your mind and that is not realistic. Movies and other media have created an expectation of a spouse who always knows the right things to say and do at exactly the right time, but it doesn't happen that way in real life. Expecting someone to read your mind and know what you want is again, playing games. You must ask for what you want and need and then appreciate having a spouse who is a great responder. The bottom line is that we all have fears, we all make mistakes and we all want to be loved and valued as we are. You and your spouse have different challenges, weaknesses and faults, but you both have good intentions to treat each other right. Neither of you wants to say the wrong thing and start arguments. You must give your spouse the benefit of the doubt more often and remember to see them as the same as you. You are both struggling students in the classroom of life, doing the best you can with what you know, with the exact same intrinsic value. No one is worse and no one is the bad guy. Be patient with yourself and each other, because behavioral changes can't happen overnight. Keep practicing and commit to forgiving each other when you mess up and over time — you can do this — you can create a better relationship. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.claritypointcoaching.com. Lisa Stirland is a Claritypoint Coach. You can learn more about Dr. John Lund at www.drlund.com First Published on KSL.COMQuestion:
I read your article last week on communication. My husband and I do pretty well, but we often get into a fight when I try to tell him about something that's bothering me. I try not to sound attacking, but he always seems to get defensive and then I wish I hadn't said anything. Should I just keep my frustrations in and deal with them myself or is there a way I can approach him that won't create conflict? Answer: I don't recommend that you just keep your frustrations in and try to ignore them or sweep them under the rug. There are kind, honest, healthy ways to discuss what bothers you that won’t create conflict. Hopefully you got the worksheet on Validating Communication Formula from our website last week. It is a great place to start. It might also help to learn some basics about men and communication. According to Dr. John Lund, author and psychologist, men are naturally defensive all the time, which means when you try to talk to your husband about something that's bothering you, his initial reaction will almost always be defensive. They are subconsciously programmed to defend, which makes sense because of their protector role. They also have fear around not being good enough, like we all do. If you have something you want him to work on, you might want to start the conversation with something he does well or that you love about him. Or start by asking questions about how he feels about the situation. Listen to him and honor and respect his right to see the situation the way he does. This will ease his fear and make him feel validated. It's always a good idea to start every conversation with some validation. Then, most men want to know three things about a conversation before it starts. If you will tell your husband these three things up front, both of you will be happier with the outcome. John Gottman, a leading authority on relationships, wrote the book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" (New York: Crown Publishers Inc., 1999). In it he writes about 650 couples that he studied for up to 14 years and how starting conversations right affected their relationships. He found that "96% of the time you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first 3 minutes! A harsh startup simply dooms you to failure. So if you begin a discussion that way, you might as well pull the plug, take a breather, and start over." Try these three things the next time you start a conversation with your husband and see if it doesn’t go much smoother. 1. Is this going to be painful? Nobody likes to be blindsided by criticism. Think about what you want to tell your husband and mentally rate it on a scale from 1-10, 10 being something he would be very hurt by. Let's say you decide it's a 4. You could approach him by saying something like, "Honey, I would like to talk to you about something and I would say it's a 4 (so it’s not a big deal and won’t hurt). When would be a good time to do that?" He then has the option to talk to you now or giving you a time later that would be better for him. Asking a permission question will lessen his defensiveness and make him feel respected. If it's not going to be very painful, most of the time he'll want to talk about it right now, but if you've given it a pretty high score, he might want time to prepare himself emotionally to hear what you have to say. He might also have a lot on his mind or be in the middle of a project right now, so no matter what the score, it would be better for him to talk about it later. However, if he decides to talk later, tell him not to worry or second guess what it is about and start getting defensive before he even knows. Let him know there is nothing to worry about until then. Ask him for a time within the next 24 hours and make sure it happens. 2. How long is it going to take? Men use a third fewer words than women, so they hit information overload long before a woman is done talking. This causes them to tune out and even feel trapped by a long conversation. Decide beforehand how much time you think you'll need (keep it short) and let him know. So again, you might start your conversation by saying, "Honey, I would like to talk to you about something and I would say it's a 4. It will take about 15 minutes. When would be a good time to do that?" It is very important for you to stay within the time limit you give him. He needs to trust that when you say 15 minutes, you don't really mean an hour. Give him a realistic time frame and stick to it. If you do this every time you talk, he will trust you more and he will feel more respected. 3. What do you want from me when this conversation is over? Men are also natural problem solvers, and this shows up in most conversations. When a woman talks to a man about something that's bothering her, he automatically tries to solve the problem or fix the situation. He even feels responsible to do this. Most men get bothered when their wife isn’t happy because they feel subconsciously responsible for it. Usually women just want to be heard and understood and don’t expect anything. Be careful not to expect your husband to be able to read your mind on this though, and you also must know what you want before starting the conversation. Some ideas of what you might want are solutions, feedback, his opinion or even just to listen. Make sure you clearly communicate what you want up front. When you ask for something, make sure you are focused on future behavior (that he has control over) and not just complaining about his past behavior (which he cannot fix or control). If you put these tips together, your conversation might now start like this, "Honey, I would like to talk to you about something and I would say it's a 4. It will only take about 15 minutes and I just want you to listen to how I'm feeling and do one small specific thing differently moving forward. Is this a good time or when would be better?" When the time comes to have this conversation, follow the communication formula worksheet step by step. It would be amazing to reduce your misunderstandings from 40 out of every 200 to only three out of every 200, and Lund says that making sure you start this way and say exactly what you mean (using content communication from last week) can do that. Start practicing this with easy conversations about a topic that doesn't have too much negative emotion around it. Work your way up to the touchy subjects. You may even want to practice with visualization first. You can talk about anything if you come from trust and love instead of fear and it won't create conflict. It just takes practice. You can do this! Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.claritypointcoaching.com. Lisa Stirland is also a Claritypoint coach. You can learn more about John Lund at www.drlund.com. First Published on KSL.COM
Question: My wife and I really struggle with communication. We are so different in our communication styles and sometimes we just don't get each other. We've tried reading books and doing what they suggest, like reflective listening, but it still isn't working very well. Do you have some other suggestions to help us work through things better? Answer: Communication is a critical part of a good relationship, and it sounds like you've been working on it, which is the first step in the right direction. It might also help to know some of the differences in how men and women communicate and how to use what Dr. John Lund, therapist and author, calls "content communication," which helps eliminate misunderstandings. As you have probably noticed, women typically want to talk more than men, and that's why you may sometimes feel like you've reached your limit long before your wife is done. This is normal, and your wife should not feel like it's because you don't care or you're not interested. She needs to understand it's a guy thing. Lund says that communication signals involve much more than just words. We communicate with our body language, facial expression and tone of voice too. Men, on average, use 7,000 communication signals per day and women use 21,000 (see Pease, Alan and Barbara, "Why Men Don't Listen and Why Women Can't Read Maps," New York: Broadway Books, 2001). So it's no wonder that men hit their limit long before women do. By the time you're done, she's just getting started. Another way that men and women communicate differently is that efficiency of words is very important for men, but not so much for women. Lund has found that men tend to become impatient with inefficiency from other people, and then they start to finish sentences for others and interrupt. This is something you can be aware of when talking to you wife. It's also true that women interrupt, but for a different reason. They usually interrupt to add more detail which, by the way, men perceive as unnecessary. Does your wife ever feel like she has to pry information out of you? This could be because of your need for efficiency and her need for more detail. Also notice that when you talk, it's probably mostly about giving information and your wife will probably talk more about feelings and emotions as a way to process them. Neither is right or wrong, it's just something you both need to be aware of when trying to connect with each other. One last difference is something Lund calls personalization. You may have heard it said that men are good at compartmentalizing — taking all of the experiences throughout the day, putting each of them into separate compartments and not letting them mix together. Most women are not good at this. Personalization is when women make connections with all the information they process, and then they integrate this information and internalize it. Here's an example. Let's say you're having dinner with some friends (at their house) and you say to your wife, "Wow, this pie is really good, don't you think?" Because your wife personalizes, she's thinking, "He wants me to make pie like this." She has gone through an entire process of connecting your statement with a lot of her own thoughts and then applying it all to herself. If she had said the same thing to you, you probably would have thought, "Yep, good pie." This is also why you and your wife could have a small argument in the morning and you're OK with being intimate that night but she isn't. You have compartmentalized (it's two completely different situations) and she has internalized (the two situations get mixed together and affect each other). This tendency towards personalization sometimes means women see things that aren't really there. This is something we have to work on. We have to learn to step back and make sure what we are thinking is accurate. Now, think about a time when your wife asked you to go somewhere with her and your response was, "Yah sure" but your tone of voice was not very excited. Your wife is getting a mixed message because your communication signals (words and tone of voice) don't match up. So which one does she believe? We pay more attention to facial expressions and body language (55 percent) than to tone of voice (37 percent) or the actual words (8 percent) (see Smith, Dennis and Williamson, L. Keith, "Interpersonal Communication," Dubuque, Iowa: W.C. Brown Co., 1981). Your wife would probably assume that you didn't want to go because she believes your tone of voice more than your words. But it's still a guessing game, and we get it wrong a lot. This is where what Lund calls "content communication" comes in handy. It's really quite a simple idea. All you have to do is completely ignore all communication signals except for the actual words. This means that no matter how much your body language and tone of voice conflict with your words, we only believe your words. You and your wife would have to agree ahead of time to communicate this way. Lund, in his book "For All Eternity," says, "As content communicators, you must own your words and your feelings. Remember, you are under obligation to say what you mean and to be held accountable for your words." Through several studies he has done, he found that if we pay attention to all of the communication signals, we misunderstand each other at least 20 percent of the time. But if we use content communication, we misunderstand only three out of every 200 communications. One of my clients has tried this with her husband, and he loves it. He will ask if she wants to go to a movie and reminds her to use content communication — then he trusts that he's getting an honest answer. Changing the way you communicate is difficult because it's hard to override your subconscious habits and hold back your responses to body language and tone of voice. It is going to take some practice to get there, but I think this is a great place to start. Also make sure to download the validating conversations worksheet from our website. Couples who know how to have validating conversations can work through almost anything. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.claritypointcoaching.com. Lisa Stirland is also a Claritypoint coach. You can get more information about John Lund and his communication tips at www.drlund.com. This was first published on KSL.COM
Question: There is almost no physical intimacy in my marriage and I miss the sexual activity I thought I would have when I got married. I find myself resenting my wife and feeling frustrated because I did not get married to see how long I could go without sex. I feel discouraged with myself because I should be able to "suck it up" and stop having these feelings of resentment. I keep telling myself that maybe this is a challenge I am supposed to overcome, yet I sometimes talk to a friend who says I'm crazy to put up with it. Any suggestions? Answer: I get letters with basically this same question at least twice a week, so you are not alone on this one. I’d like to address the problem and then give some suggestions to both husbands and wives on fixing this situation. For many, the heart of the problem is that while most boys grow up hearing positive things about sex, most women grew up hearing nothing but shameful negatives. Women who were sexual were seen as sluts, and sex was talked about like it was dirty and wrong. As teens, many women are still curious about sex, which means they are open to learning about it, but now they have the negative subconscious programming. Needless to say, many women from Christian families are ill-prepared for marriage and don't understand how important sex is in their relationship and how beautiful it can be. Then, add to that resentment, hurt feelings and betrayals of trust that often happen (like criticism that makes a woman feel emotionally unsafe) or to find out that a husband has been looking at pornography (which makes sex feel more dirty) and many women lose interest in the whole thing. This is a complex issue and it can’t be fixed in an article, but repairing the intimacy in your relationship is vital. You cannot have a healthy relationship without it. There is a reason they call it “making love.” It is the most meaningful way to express love for another person. Also remember the main reason you are here on this planet is to learn and grow, and especially to learn to love. Your marriage is going to be the most important class you will take on this subject. So whatever the disconnect is between you and your wife, you are both going to have to grow and become more loving to fix it. Here are some things each spouse can do to start the process of repairing intimacy in their marriage. Husbands: 1) Be more kind, appreciative and validating: Most women can’t feel amorous when they don't feel emotionally safe. Does your wife feel resentful, angry or walked on at any level? If you are prone to criticism, sarcasm, negative comments or if you just don’t give enough positive validation, this could be a huge part of the problem. Your wife needs to feel admired, appreciated and cherished. She needs to see that you feel lucky to be married to such an amazing woman. (If you have been disappointed because of her sexuality issues and she feels this, it could be making her pull away further to protect herself.) She needs to be showered with praise and appreciation for who she is, as she is. Nothing makes a woman more interested in a man than him thinking she is the most amazing woman in the world. 2) Be the kind of man she can look up to: If you are voluntarily slacking in your responsibilities either in or out of the home, you need to step it up. This may mean exercising and getting in shape, spending less time in front of the TV or finding a better job. You may even ask her what you could be doing that would make her admire you more. She may want to see you deal with some of your own self-esteem, abandonment, career or emotional issues. This could mean getting some professional help and working on you. If you do this and gain some confidence, that will also make you more attractive. 3) Be more generous and giving: This means setting aside your own needs and focusing more on what she needs. This may mean helping around the house and with the children more. It could also mean honoring her feelings when she needs a good night’s rest. Being resentful or complaining that she isn't meeting your needs, isn't showing love and it makes you just as unloving as her. Most couples find it works better if you let the woman initiate sex. I know you fear that if you do this, it will never happen, but being patient and giving her a chance to do this could reverse the cycle of her feeling taken from and you feeling rejected. Now, she might feel more motivated to give to you, and trust me, it will mean more to you when she does. Remember, women must feel emotionally safe and totally admired, accepted and cherished for every part of who they are before they can give sex as an expression of love. When you give more to them, they will want to give more to you. (If she doesn't respond to this, there are deeper issues in play.) 4) Avoid pornography: Pornography will harm your marriage in two ways. One, it will create unrealistic expectations that a normal wife and mother will not be comfortable fulfilling and two, it will trigger body image fears and feelings of betrayal that are difficult for a woman to get past. If a pornography problem has already created these issues in your marriage, you may both need some professional help to repair them. The good news is that you can repair them. They are not the end of the world, but you must get some help. Wives: 1) See a doctor or mental health professional: If you suspect a physical or psychological problem is in play, seek out some professional help. There are hormone imbalances and medications that can negatively affect libido. You also want to make sure you don’t have experiences in your past that are creating negative feelings around sex. 2) Be more forgiving: I believe forgiveness is the No. 1 lesson you are here to learn in the classroom of life, and your marriage is the class where you will learn it. You must understand that you are no better than your spouse. You have the same exact value (even if he has made mistakes). You may not have made those mistakes, but you have made other ones, and your inability to forgive him is every bit as bad as his faults and weaknesses. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but you need to hear this. You are in here to learn to become a better, more loving person. If you don’t learn this lesson now and forgive him for being imperfect, the universe will keep bringing this lesson back until you do. I have written numerous articles on forgiveness that may help, and there are two forgiveness worksheets on mywebsite that might help. (Obviously, if you have an abusive spouse, then you need professional help immediately. But most of you just have a struggling, scared and occasionally clueless spouse who should be forgiven and given another chance, just like you. ) 3) Be more generous and giving: This means setting aside your needs and focusing more on giving to your spouse and caring for him. This will mean initiating sex and doing it often. Sex is a more meaningful experience for all involved if the woman initiates it and enjoys it. A man desperately wants to be wanted by his wife and honestly gets more out of pleasing you than getting his own needs met. Your man wants sex to be an expression of love for each other, and a “quicky” that gets it over fast isn’t fulfilling to him at all. (Imagine how you would feel if he told you to go take a relaxing bubble bath as his gift to you — “Oh but can you just jump in and out real quick.”) That is not an expression of love. I know that as a mother you give and give, and some nights you have nothing left, but you must set aside time and energy to give to your spouse if you want a marriage that lasts and a spouse who takes care of you. 4) Work on your self-esteem: If you have body image issues or suffer from fears that you aren’t good enough, you are literally incapable of giving love the way you should be. Most women suffer greatly from feelings of inadequacy, and these feelings must be repaired if you want a healthy marriage. We believe most people need professional coaching or counseling to change this. Ask your spouse to help pay for this, because a confident woman has more to give. 5) Communicate: Tell your husband exactly what he can do or change that would make you more attracted to him. Be frank and honest and kind. If there is no way that you can get past issues, or the issues are things he can’t change, you need to be honest about that too, so he can decide if this relationship is right for him. I believe you should try everything in your power to repair your marriage and learn the powerful lessons your relationship can teach you, but for some of you the lesson could mean loving yourself enough to get out, especially if the other person isn’t capable or interested in changing. Only you know which path is right for you. Just make sure you have done the work on yourself first and learned how to forgive. That way you won't repeat the same pattern. I would say don't "suck it up live with it." Instead, take action and get some help to fix the underlying issues. You can do this! First published on KSL.com
Question: My husband is very sarcastic and I have struggled to know how to cope with his sarcastic remarks. Some of my hurt comes from fear that he is actually feeling what he says and that sarcasm is his passive-aggressive way to convey what he really feels. I have a hard time deciphering what is joking versus what is real when he talks. I have tried to talk to him about it, but he says I need to lighten up. I'm trying to combat it from within but need a little bit more of a boost. Can you help with this? Answer: You may want to ask your spouse to read this article because once he understands why he is sarcastic, he may be more motivated to change it. Oscar Wilde said “Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.” This is because sarcastic comments, though humorous, are usually passive-aggressive, mean and uncomfortable for the people receiving them. The dictionary defines sarcasm as “the use of irony to mock or convey contempt; a sharply ironical taunt; sneering or cutting remark.” None of these sound like validating communication to me. If you use sarcasm you must ask yourself, what are you trying to accomplish with your communication? What kind of relationship do you want? Are you striving to be funny at the expense of others? Or do you want to build relationships of trust and love? Do you care how other people feel? Or are you only interested in entertaining yourself? Sarcastic people often see teasing as tough love and believe people should be able to handle it. They also think saying “just kidding” after a sarcastic remark makes it OK, even if it hurts. They usually see themselves as funny people, even if they are the only ones laughing. In reality, sarcastic people usually have a fear problem. (I know some of you aren’t convinced yet, that every problem is a fear problem, but keep looking at it because it’s true.) They are usually battling either a fear of not being good enough (the fear of failure) or the fear of being taken from (the fear of loss). They need to step back and figure out why they need to be sarcastic. Here are some common reasons you might be sarcastic: 1. You fear you aren’t good enough, so you subconsciously put others down so you can feel superior.The worse you feel about yourself the more biting your remarks toward others could be. Insecure people have to put others down or tease them, in order to feel important and of value themselves. If this is your issue you may need some professional help to improve your self-worth. 2. Sarcasm is also a way of asking for what you want when you are scared to ask for it directly. You might crack a joke about your wife’s crazy shoes because you don’t know how to just say you don’t like them. But your sarcastic remark leaves your wife unsure about what you really think. Were you joking or serious? If you don’t know how to say things in a way that won’t hurt, you make a joke, which usually still hurts, but creates a space where if she takes offense, it’s her problem. If this is your issue, you need to improve your communication skills. 3. Sarcasm may be passive-aggressive anger. This happens because you feel taken from, insulted or annoyed by this person and you really want to take a jab at them. Sarcasm is a way to take a jab without being seen as mean. A joke absolves you of responsibility for their feelings. If this is your issue, you need to learn how to resolve the issue you are angry about. 4. You may feel angry at life for the disappointments or abuse you have suffered. Sarcasm can be a way to take out your anger toward life or vent your frustration. The more life does you wrong, the more biting your remarks toward others could be. If this is your issue you need to learn how to use your life experiences to make you better not bitter. 5. If you were teased in a cruel way, put down or made to feel inferior as a child, you may be subconsciously trying to get the upper hand now. You may look down on others and jokingly strike at them as a way to feel superior and powerful. Again, you may need some help to improve your self-esteem so you can show up with love. 6. You like to get attention by entertaining those around you with humor. You probably need this attention to validate your worth. You need this attention so badly you will do it at the expense of other people. Fear creates subconsciously selfish behavior, but this can be fixed. There are lots of way to be funny without hurting other people. Just take a minute, if you are the sarcastic person, and honestly ask yourself if any of these issues could be behind your sarcastic comments. John Haiman, a linguist at Malcalester College says “People who use sarcasm are rarely kidding. The words come from an authentic place, but it’s wrapped up as a joke for protection. Essentially, sarcasm is a survival technique for the insecure. It’s used to make yourself appear stronger and better, but it’s not said with enough seriousness for anyone to accuse you of being a jerk.” You may need to practice “think before you speak." This means checking yourself before you make a comment. Is it... true, helpful, inspiring, necessary and kind. You can be funny all you want, but if you do it at the expense of other people there will be consequences. People will not feel safe with you or like you. If the people on the receiving end of your sarcasm are your friends and family this cost will be high. If you are living with a sarcastic person here are a couple suggestions for dealing with it:
You must also continue to work on feeling bulletproof, no matter what anyone does or says. As you become stronger your husband will be forced to see his own insecurities for what they are. I hope he will be open to changing, but either way you can be happy and feel good about yourself. Just keep reminding yourself that his comments can't diminish you. Your value is absolute. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular coach and speaker. |
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AuthorKimberly Giles is the president and founder of Claritypoint Life Coaching and 12 SHAPES INC. She is an author and professional speaker. She was named one of the top 20 advice gurus in the country by Good Morning America in 2010. She appears regularly on local and national TV and Radio. Archives
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