Question:
I really enjoy your weekly columns on KSL.com. I read last week's article about dealing with criticism and found it very insightful. This article was addressed to the person on the receiving end of the criticism. If I may, I'd like to suggest another article with the critical person as the target audience. How can one start facing those core fears and stop being critical? Answer: The first step to changing your negative behavior is to get conscious of how you are behaving and why. There is always a reason (or a payoff you are getting) for behaving this way. It is the real reason you do it. Once you can see clearly why you do it and what triggers it, you then have the power to catch yourself and choose something better. Neuroscientists tell us that our subconscious programing is the real problem behind most of our behavior problems. Somewhere along the line (usually in childhood) you learned this bad behavior and thought it was a good thing (a win on some level) and so you have continued to do it. Dr. David Krueger said, “Behavioral patterns and belief systems downloaded especially from parents in the first years of life become automatic... Neuroscientists estimate that about 95% of our behaviors and core beliefs are pre-programmed in the subconscious mind, operating on autopilot.” The ideas, beliefs or behavior patterns we learn in childhood become the rules that dictate the way we respond to life and the world, even if they are ineffective and relationship damaging. Eric Berne M.D. published an interesting book on this subject, back in 1964, called Games People Play. It this book he describes these subconscious rituals or behavior patterns as games. You can recognize a psychological game because it is a slightly manipulative or self-serving behavior and includes a selfish maneuver to get a payoff, which makes the game worth playing. I believe this payoff is mostly about the quieting your core fear of failure or loss. Most of the time you are trying to quiet your fear of failure and shame. In last week’s article I mentioned the Shame and Blame Game. This is the one you are playing if you are critical and quick to judge other people. On the outside you may just look like a negative person, but it’s really about looking for faults in others so you can shift your shame (fear of not being good enough) onto someone else. The more bad you see or point out in others, the more your own shame is lessened. When you cast them as the bad guy, it makes you the good guy. At least that is what you think will happen. In reality putting other people down only makes you feel better temporarily, because focusing on their shame doesn’t really take yours away. It just distracts you for a minute. Here are some other psychological games you might have learned as a child and still play as an adult: The Self-Pity Card Game: This happens when someone calls you on some bad behavior and you immediately (subconsciously) play the self-pity card, asking them to excuse your bad behavior and feel sorry for you. You may say things like, “It is just that everything is going wrong for me right now, I’m having a horrible day, I have no friends, or I’m just so depressed that's why I behaved badly.” You basically use self-pity to manipulate your way out of being responsible for your behavior. The downside to this game (and all games) is eventually people will lose respect for you and in the end, feeling pity towards you isn’t love. The Sympathy Card Game: This happens when you constantly talk about how bad you have it or how terrible you are. This is a subconscious game to get validation or reassurance from other people. People play this game on Facebook when they leave posts like “Worst Day Ever” but they don’t leave an explanation about what happened. They do this because they are subconsciously making people prove they care enough to ask. This game is a subtle and immature way to get love and attention. It’s Their Fault That I Can’t… Game: This game is about blaming someone else for making it impossible for you to do something you really should be doing. The payoff here is this gives you a great excuse for not being who you should be. “It’s my husband’s fault that I don’t eat healthy and keep gaining weight. I just can’t get him to stop eating junk food, so it’s what I have to buy.” I’m so Overwhelmed: If you constantly talk about how overworked, tired, and overwhelmed you are, you might be playing this game. You might even subconsciously take on too much, to make sure you stay in this state. There are a lot of payoffs with this game. You have a good excuse to turn down anything you don’t want to do. You get validation from what a hard worker you are and you get to use the self-pity card to excuse your bad behavior. You may be subconsciously choosing to feel terrible and overburdened all the time, because these payoffs are so desirable. You Don’t Love Me: This is a common game in many marriages where one or both parties are looking for proof (in the other’s behavior) that they aren’t really loved, liked, wanted or appreciated. If you are subconsciously looking for evidence that your spouse doesn’t love you, you will find it. You will find whatever you are trying to find. It won’t necessarily be accurate though. When your wife is too tired for sex it probably has more to do with her chasing small children all day, giving too much without taking care of herself, or her own body or sexuality issues. It may not be because she doesn’t love you. But if you are playing the You Don’t Love Me game, the goal here is to gather evidence that makes her the bad guy so you (by default) are the victim and good guy. This is about gathering evidence about who loves who less, so you can cast her as the bad one and thereby win the game. Wives may also look for mean or disrespectful comments as proof they aren’t loved, thereby also giving them an excuse not to have sex or be loving to him - since he doesn’t really love her. The payoff here is that you gets to behave badly (be unloving) and then blame the other person for it. This game will destroy your marriage if you don’t wake up and stop it. The good news is - You have the power to change your behavior! You can wake up and choose more accurate, loving, mature behavior. You may also want to take the free Fear Assessmenton my website. It will show you some of your subconscious behavior patterns on paper and this will be a good first step to discovering your subconscious patterns. Then, you can start by questioning why you are behaving the way you are. Why are you behaving this way? What are you afraid of? What is the behavior giving you? What is the payoff? How could you subconsciously see this bad behavior as a win? What is this behavior really going to create in your life? Is this what you really want? What do you really want? What kind of person do you want to be? What are the core values or principles you believe in and want to live by? Asking and answering these questions will get you started. Once you identify the behavior you can start watching for it and choosing something better. If you have a hard time seeing your negative behavior or knowing how to change it, you may want to get some professional help. You also need to work on your self-esteem and learn how to escape your subconscious fears. I have written many articles on this subject and you can find them all here on KSL.com. You can do this! Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness." She offers free coaching calls every Tuesday night.
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Question:
My mother is a very critical, judgmental person. She always has something negative to say about everything I do and everyone we know. I’m often embarrassed for her because of how quick she is to see the bad in people, and I’m really tired of being on the receiving end of her criticisms. It’s been hard to have a mother (who should love and accept me most) be so negative. Is there anything I can do about this? I’ve tried to talk to her about it but she gets really offended and attacks me for my faults. She thinks she is perfect. Answer: First, you must understand why she is behaving this way. We could all use a better understanding of human nature and why people do what they do. This knowledge will help us to see situations accurately and handle them more appropriately. Here are some basic universal principles of truth regarding human behavior that it would serve us all to learn. 1. Everyone on this planet is scared to death. 2. They are primarily scared of two core things: failure and loss. (They are scared of looking bad and being taken from.) This means they are constantly on the lookout for insults or mistreatment and are quick to be offended by anything that could be construed as either. 3. These fears play out in our subconscious programming and are responsible for 95 percent of our behavior. This means most of the time we don’t know what we are doing or why. 4. Being driven by fear produces a lot of selfish, negative, bad behavior. Fear keeps you focused on yourself. It makes you incapable of showing up for others. Most people are functioning in this state most of the time. 5. Fear also makes us see other people as different from us, which means we see them as either better than us or worse than us. We would subconsciously prefer to see them as worse than us so our subconscious mind looks for the bad in them (casting them as the bad guy) which we think makes us the good one. I call this the Shame and Blame Game. You must understand how the Shame and Blame Game works so you can accurately see when you are playing it and stop yourself and so you can stop getting offended when other people play it. This is the bottom line, the more shame you experience (fear that you aren’t good enough) the more you will subconsciously focus on the bad in others (blame) to distract you from your fear. Your mother is negative because she is scared to death. I would guess from your description that she is has a lot of fear around not being good enough. She may even have some subconscious self-hate going on. This is why she looks for the bad in everyone around her. Her ego actually thinks this will make her feel better, which it doesn’t. I feel bad for her living in all that fear and negativity. It must be an awful place to live. She may also have fears of loss and be easily offended by anyone who makes her feel cheated or taken from. Does she get overly offended if someone cuts in line? Or cuts her off in traffic? Or has things she doesn’t have? Does she hate feeling put out or walked on? She may suffer badly from both core fears. You also want to check yourself for being easily offended by insults or mistreatment. We all do it to some degree, but is it a real sensitive issue for you? I hope understanding the Shame and Blame Game helps you to get conscious about this behavior and have more compassion for her. I hope you can see that her criticisms say more about her than they say about you. This is another important principle of human behavior. 6. Most bad behavior is about the person’s fears about themselves. It is not about you. They may be projecting it at you and casting you as the bad guy, but it is really about their shame. People without shame, don’t need to see the bad in others. As a matter of fact, they usually don’t see it at all. People with good self-esteem are more likely to see the good in others than the bad. I want you to understand this so you won’t take your mothers criticism personally. The reason your mother attacks you if you even hint that she is anything less than perfect is that she is so scared she isn’t good enough, she can’t handle hearing anything that might confirm that. People with low self-esteem can’t handle feedback, it’s too painful. So how do you deal with difficult people like this?
"Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain, but it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving."—Dale Carnegie You can do this! Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness." She offers free coaching calls every Tuesday night. Question:
I read your article on intimidation. However, if the other person has the power to harm us and our career due to his or her position of authority, like refusing a promotion or a pay raise, or even worse, firing us, how then can we not be intimidated and how can we not fear them? After all, they can cause us real problems. I also have a spouse who is threatening to leave the church we both belong to and this scares and intimidates me too. How can I not be scared of these situations when they could really mess up my life? Answer: I’m going to answer your question by giving you a different perspective on these relationships. If you can change the way you see yourself and these people they won’t feel as threatening to you. It is true these people could create some challenges in your life, but the extent to how these challenges causes you to suffer is completely up to you. You have control over how you feel about these people and their behavior. You could see yourself as safe and choose to believe you have nothing to fear. At least you have the option of seeing your life this way, if you want to. You basically have two options when it comes to how you will see and experience your life: Option 1 - You can see your life as a scary and dangerous place where all kinds of bad things can happen, thus robbing you of the journey you deserved to have. You can see people as threats and feel intimidated and scared of them. You can spend your energy protecting and defending yourself from all the hurt or problems they could inflict upon you. Option 2 - You can see your life as a safe, classroom experience where you always get the perfect lesson you need next to help you learn and grow. You can see people as teachers and focus on the ways their behavior could help you become more loving. You can spend your energy giving love to others, loving yourself and creating a peaceful life. I highly recommend Option 2. You can choose to see the perfect in every situation, focus on the lessons, and choose love and forgiveness over judgment and fear. You not only can do this, you are meant to learn to do this as well. You are meant to live in abundance and peace, in spite of the challenges around you. Here are six principles that can help you adopt a more peaceful mindset:
Wisdom means seeing yourself, the other person and the situation accurately. Even if they get you fired, you are still the same you with the same value and the experience of being fired can only hurt you if you let it. It will also not happen unless it is your perfect journey to have it happen because you are meant to learn something from the experience. If your spouse leaves your religion, which disappoints you and affects your children and their faith, then it was the perfect lesson in their classroom journey, too. The universe sent them to your family with these parents for a reason and whatever way you mess them up will be the perfect way they were meant to be messed up so they can have their perfect journey figuring themselves out. No matter what happens your journey — and theirs — is safe and perfect. At least you have the option of seeing your life this way if you want to. Forgiveness means choosing to let go of judgment, condemnation, criticism and fear toward another person because you don’t want to live in fear yourself. There is a universal law we call “You get what you give." This means if you choose to judge people, you will also feel judged by everyone around you. If you see anyone as not good enough, you will feel not good enough yourself. If you choose to see this person as threatening, you will feel threatened everywhere. If you choose to see yourself as bulletproof and this person as an innocent student in the classroom of life with infinite and absolute value no matter how they behave and allow them to be as they are, while still having healthy boundaries and speaking up for yourself when necessary from a space of trust and love, you can change the dynamic of the relationship completely. When you choose to live in trust and love, these people will feel safe with you and stop seeing you as a threat. When they feel safe, they will treat you a lot better. Love has the power to completely change the energy in any relationship. When you choose to see people with wisdom and forgive them for being lost, scared, confused and behaving badly (because you get this way on occasion too), they will also respect you more. They have to. There is a great “High Level Forgiveness Formula Worksheet” on my website resources page that can help you to adopt this mindset. If it sounds difficult, that is only because you aren’t used to seeing life this way, but you can do it with practice. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book CHOOSING CLARITY: The Path to Fearlessness. She offers free coaching calls every Tuesday night. Question:
My family thinks that I get offended and defensive too easily. I admit I may be a little over sensitive to feeling insulted, but I am not going to just let people hurt my feelings without saying something. If people say or do things that hurt me, I’m not going to just ignore it. They claim they walk on egg shells around me, which hurts to hear (and frankly offends me), but I am willing to work on this because it’s not who I want to be. Could give me some advice? Answer: Don’t be offended by your family or friends bringing this to your attention. They love you and want you to experience more peace and less unnecessary suffering. This problem is usually tied to a subconscious victim mentality. It is highly likely that you experienced being insulted, put down, treated unfairly or wronged at some point in your life that has made you overly sensitive to these types of experiences. Your subconscious mind is now constantly on guard to protect you. This behavior is also tied to your fear of failure (not being good enough) and your fear of loss (being taken from). When someone says anything that could possibly be interpreted to mean that you aren’t perfect, or is a sign they might take from you, you subconsciously see this person as the enemy and treat them accordingly. The problem is that if this keeps up, you will eventually push everyone in your life away and you will be safe from harm, but you will also be alone. Here are five principles that will help with this problem: (I recommend you read these daily and commit to adopting them.) 1. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Most of the people in your life are good people who love you and mean you no harm. When they have moments of selfishness you must remember these are driven by their own fears of failure or loss. In that moment, they are worried about their own safety and can’t see how their behavior affects you. They do not intentionally mean to harm you, they just experience moments of oblivious selfishness. (You do the same thing when your fears get triggered.) When someone offends you, you can choose to see their behavior as unintentional, oblivious selfishness driven by fear. If you do this, you can let most offenses go. This person is more scared, than mean or bad. 2. Don’t take anything personally. Understand that 90 percent of what other people do or say is about their own fears and is not about you. Even behavior that looks and feels like an attack is actually about their fear. Don Miguel Ruiz in the book "The Four Agreements" says, “Taking things personally is the maximum expression of selfishness because we make the assumption that everything is about me.” Don’t make everything about you. When someone offends you, stop and put yourself in their shoes for a minute. What are they experiencing? What are they afraid of? What do they need in this moment? Choose to make this moment about showing up for them. (I realize you may feel unprotected here, but you are actually safer than you would be if you were defensive. Defense makes real the illusion that you can be hurt. Letting go of your need to defend, makes real the idea that you are bulletproof.) 3. See yourself as bulletproof. You are a one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable, infinitely valuable human soul. Your value is therefore infinite and absolute and cannot be changed by anyone or anything. Nothing anyone says or does to you can change your value or diminish you in any way, unless you choose to let it. Because of this truth, any pain you suffer over the words or deeds of other people is self-inflicted. They can’t hurt you without your permission. Instead of getting defensive, which subconsciously means you see yourself as vulnerable, choose to put down your defenses and smile, consciously choosing to see yourself as bulletproof and indestructible. Remember how Superman just smiles while bank robbers shoot at him. He isn’t offended they are trying to kill him because he can’t be killed. Your ultimate protection lies in believing they can’t hurt you. 4. Decide not to be a victim. You get to choose how you want to experience your life and you have only two choices: You can see yourself as a vulnerable, weak, picked on, powerless victim in dangerous world, constantly at the mercy of all the bad things and bad people around you, or you can choose to see yourself as a strong, bulletproof, powerful creator of your life, in a beautiful world that is constantly serving you and who can’t be diminished by anything or anyone. How do you want to live? If you choose a victim mentality you may earn some sympathy love and pity from people around you, but you will not earn their respect. You will also be choosing a life of grief and unnecessary drama. I recommend you make it your official policy to see yourself as safe, and the world as a perfect classroom constantly conspiring to serve your process of becoming. Choose to see yourself and the world as safe and you will experience more joy and peace. 5. Choose a forgiveness mentality. You get to choose how you want to see other people and you have only two choices: You can see people as flawed, evil, guilty, messed up, mean and mostly undeserving of mercy and forgiveness, or you can see people as perfect, struggling, scared, divine, amazing students in the classroom of life, deserving of mercy, compassion and in need of education and learning. But you must understand that what you choose for them you also choose for yourself. If you choose a judgmental, condemning mindset toward others you will also subconsciously feel flawed, evil, guilty, messed up and undeserving of mercy and forgiveness. Your self-esteem will suffer and will never feel good enough. That is just how it works. If you choose to see all men as perfect, struggling, scared, divine, amazing students in the classroom of life, in need of more education and learning, you are going to feel better about yourself and have good self-esteem. (If you don’t believe me this is true, experiment with it yourself.) I promise you get what you give. Choose to see everyone as good enough as they are and you will finally feel good enough yourself. Understanding these principles will help you to see situations, people and yourself more accurately. You will now understand how fear affects their behavior and the fearful way you experience it. You will also have the power to choose love and truth instead. If some of these concepts are new to you, you may need to re-read them and process them for a while. You may also want to work with a counselor or coach to improve your self-esteem and eliminate the fear behind your need to be offended. (This article did not address serious mistreatment or abuse. If you are experiencing either, you should remove yourself from the situation and seek professional help. This article only addressed minor offenses and a propensity for drama and overreacting.) Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker. You can take a free fear assessment on her website to see if being offended is an issue for you. Question:
I have a problem with someone at work. They take every available opportunity to put me down, gossip about me, or make snide comments. I can't leave this job, but I don’t want to create drama by going to my boss. I've got to find a solution to this problem. Any ideas? Answer: I would like to recommend a simple, solution-focused process that can help you find solutions to most problems. Many of the questions sent into me at KSL could be easily solved, on your own, by following this simple process. (If you don’t currently have a pressing people problem, you may want to print this article off and save it anyway, because you will surely have one soon enough.) I believe we are here on this planet to learn and especially to learn to love both ourselves and other people. Most of the people in your life — and especially the difficult ones — are there primarily to teach you how to love at a deeper level. Difficult people make for amazing learning opportunities. Get out some scratch paper and follow the process below to find the right solution to this one. 1. Define the problem. You must make sure you really understand the problem. We often assume a lot of things about other people that we don't really know. You might want to ask some more questions and make sure you understand the other person and what is going on in their world. Figure out what they are afraid of (failure or loss) and what they are really trying to accomplish with their current behavior. Are they trying to protect themselves, get validation or just prove they have value? Are they threatened by you? Do they suffer from low self-esteem? Is there any other reason they might be grouchy or unhappy? 2. See if this problem could be broken down into smaller problems. Sometimes problems are more easily solved in pieces. How could you break this one down? 3. Get your fear of failure or loss off the table. If this situation is triggering your fear of not being good enough, it will muddle your ability to see the situation accurately. You can escape fear by choosing to trust that this experience is here to serve you, which means it is meant to be solved. Trust the process of life that however it turns out, it will be OK. Then, choose to trust that your value is infinite and absolute and not affected by this problem. Remember you have the same value no matter what happens. You must get in trust so you can function from a place of clarity. 4. Define the outcome you want. Make sure this is a well-thought-out, unemotional objective that is based in love for yourself and the other person involved. Sometimes the right solution means loving yourself and sometimes it means showing up with love for the other person, but the right solution should be love motivated — not fear motivated. 5. Brainstorm as many possible solutions as you can. Shoot for 50. This will force you to think outside the box and get really creative about all your options. Don't censure, edit or judge your ideas just yet. Write them all down. Who could you ask for help? Write down as many people as you can think of. What other resources are available to you? Write them all down. 6. Bring humor into the situation. This may sound funny but it’s been scientifically proven that humor improves your ability to solve problems. A study, published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, found that people who just watched a funny movie could solve difficult problems 75 percent of the time, while those who watched a movie about math beforehand, only solved it 20 percent of the time. So, make this process fun. Laugh and play with your possibilities while you brainstorm as many solutions as you can. 7. Now, go through your list and cross out all the fear-motivated options. (All the selfish, reactive, destructive or unloving ideas must go.) 8. Now, cross off all the impractical or impossible ideas too. (These were helpful because they often trigger some creative ideas that are possible.) 9. See if you can narrow the remaining options down to your top few. Write each on a card and place them in front of you on the table. 10. Now, see if you can eliminate one that doesn’t feel right. Do it again and eliminate one more. Are there some options that you just can't eliminate? That could be your intuition telling you what to do. The truth is that you are entitled to intuition about the best course of action in every specific situation. If you trust that you are entitled to guidance and believe it will be there, you will feel it. (I have clients who use this process to solve all kinds of problems, not just people problems — give it a try.) Most people problems come down to these two loving options, though. 1. Let it go. Decide to forgive the person for being scared, imperfect or blind to their behavior. Decide to give them permission to be work in progress and choose to see the highest best in them. Most of the time (if you can do this) it is the best option. 2. Have a loving conversation with this person and try to resolve the issue. If you choose this route, follow the steps for mutually validating conversations click here to access a worksheet on how to do that. Hope this helps. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem. Question:
I loved your article on self-sacrifice and I’m trying to take care of myself, but my boyfriend doesn't want me to stand up for myself. When I do, he says I don't really want him in my life anymore. He thinks I’m a mean, selfish person if I get bothered with how I’m treated. Do you have any advice on how to actually transform this relationship? Answer: Your boyfriend is using guilt to manipulate you. So, I’d like to explain how you recognize manipulation and give you some ideas for getting out of or dealing with this person. Here are some common signs you might be in a manipulative relationship (either with a parent, child or significant other): Do you have self-esteem issues? Are you a kind person but also a little bit naïve? Manipulators are subconsciously drawn to people pleasers with low self-esteem because they are easily pushed around. Does this person use guilt to make you do things you don't want to do? Does it seem like every argument ends with you being at fault? Does this person trigger your emotions and then get mad at you for being emotional? Manipulators often figure out what character traits are important to you and then use them to push your buttons and control you. It sounds like your boyfriend knows you are afraid of being seen as selfish or mean, so he is using your desire to be a good person to manipulate you. Does this person do nice things for you and then make you feel obligated and/or guilty because of them? Do you have to keep some things secret and even occasionally lie to this person to protect yourself? Does this person get offended easily? Are you often walking on egg shells worried about doing or saying the wrong thing? Does this person discourage your friendships with other people? Does this person call you repeatedly to find out where you are or what you are doing? Often manipulators are controlling. Does this person criticize your plans or goals and squash your dreams? Are they loving one day and cold the next ? Do they often blame you for how they feel? Are you frustrated and sad more than you're happy in this relationship? Have you tried to break it off numerous times? If these questions are striking a cord, it’s safe to say you are in a manipulative relationship (also remember that manipulation can happen with a parent, a sibling or friend, too.) Here are some suggestions for dealing with this person: 1) If this is a friend or romantic interest, you might want to at least consider ending this relationship post haste. It is highly unlikely that this person is going to change (unless this person agrees to some serious professional help, which most manipulators don’t think they need). It is best to deliver this news quickly and leave the premises so you cannot be manipulated and pulled back in. Sometimes it is best to break these relationships off by email or text to avoid further manipulation. 2) If you decide to end this relationship, you are going to need a good support system to stand by you, and in some cases protect you from conversations with this person. You have the right to refuse to talk about it. 3) You must recognize that your low self-esteem is partly responsible for this situation. You may want to get some professional help from a counselor or coach to work on your self-image. You must learn to see yourself as bulletproof and refuse to let other people determine your value. You are a one-of-a-kind, amazing, irreplaceable being and nothing anyone says or does can diminish you. 4) If this person gets angry and tries to retaliate in any way, do not react or even respond. Let it go and move forward with your life (or in some cases you may need a restraining order). 5) You are also going to need to grow a back bone and establish some boundaries. If this person is a parent or sibling, you can’t break up with them. So, you must have clearly defined boundaries and a strategy for enforcing them. Then you calmly repeat these boundaries over and over until they get it. You won’t be pushed around anymore. 6) You must stop caring what other people think of you (even your relatives). What they think is irrelevant and cannot affect, change or diminish you. They cannot hurt you without your permission. Make it your official policy that it doesn’t matter what this person thinks of you. Harriet Braiker wrote a book called “Who’s Pulling Your Strings?” In it she said, “If you are an approval addict, your behavior is as easy to control as that of any other junkie. All a manipulator need do is a simple two-step process: Give you what you crave, and then threaten to take it away. Every drug dealer in the world plays this game.” You have got to quit playing this game with this person. You must figure out who you are and not let other people tell you different. When you let go of your need for approval and claim the power to determine your value and character, you will be free and invincible. If this is proving difficult, I highly recommend some professional help. Hope this helps. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a life coach and speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem. Question:
Our family bickers like no other, and after a while it can rank on your nerves. The bickering can and does often end in argument with hurt feelings and misunderstandings. But for some reason, they keep doing it over and over again. Any advice to intervene and stop this behavior? Answer: My main goal in writing this column is to help you understand human behavior better, so you can see situations accurately and respond in a way that will create the results you want. Before I give you some advice to stop the fighting, I’d like to explain why most people bicker and argue. People generally bicker for one of these five reasons:
Let me explain what I mean by the word "validation," though, because it does not mean that you agree with this person. I believe you can completely disagree with everything he or she says, and still validate him as a person. To me, validation is about honoring and respecting another person's right to see the world the way he sees it, and think and feel the way he does. You may not agree with his position, but you can honor his right to be who he is at this point in his journey. You can validate this person's worth as a human being by just being willing to listen to her thoughts and feelings, and honor her right to have them. When you do this, the other person generally calms down. I believe the best answer in any situation is to give love and validation. You may want to remind the other person of your love in the middle of the fight: “In spite of this fighting I love and respect you, and I just want you to remember that my love for you is bigger than this issue.” (I actually use this in my personal life.) Here are some other suggestions that would diminish the amount of bickering: 1) Learn how to have mutually validating conversations. I have a worksheet on my website that explains how. If you will follow the steps exactly, it will greatly improve your relationships. 2) Institute a family time-out rule. Everyone must agree ahead of time to honor this rule. The rule says that if a conversation gets heated and someone calls a time-out, everyone will walk away, go to their corners and calm down before you talk about this issue further. 3) Be accurate with your words. What I mean is, don’t exaggerate, over-generalize or personalize your complaints. John Gottman from the University of Washington did a study on how couples fight and how their words affected the success or failure of their marriages. (You can read about this in the book "Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell). Gottman discovered that if people made an issue personal and turned to character assassination, rather than focusing on specific complaints, the relationship wouldn’t survive. He said to make sure you didn't turn the complaint of, “You left your dishes on the table” into, “You're such a lazy slob.” He could listen to people fight for only a few minutes and predict if their relationship would make it, based on the words they used. 4) Decide to let love override most small issues. Gottman also said people are generally in one of only two states in their relationships: They were either in “positive sentiment override” where they could quickly forgive most offenses because their love would override most the issues, or “negative sentiment override” where they would draw lasting negative conclusions about each other from each offense. In these negative relationships, even good deeds were seen as good deeds from a bad person. If you have an underlying dislike for someone in your family that is showing up in every situation, I would recommend some professional help post-haste. 5) Decide right now to let people be a “work in progress.” A painter hangs a sign like this on a painting when he leaves for lunch, because he doesn’t want anyone to judge it yet. The people in your life are all struggling, scared students in the classroom of life. They have a lot to learn and they need some room and permission to be imperfect and grow. Imagine everyone in your family with that sign around their necks every day and choose to forgive most offenses, because you're imperfect, too. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem. Read about her free Tuesday night coaching call on her website. Question:
Growing up (and still to this day), I walk on eggshells around my own mother. I have come to the realization that my mother has been trying to control me my entire life. How do I distance myself from her control, while still being a good daughter? Answer: In these situations, I recommend you get some clarity around what drives your mother’s controlling behavior — so you can see it accurately and not take it personally — and then create some good boundaries and lovingly enforce them. Most controlling parents love their children. They just don’t know how to stop letting their own needs and fears cloud their vision. They truly cannot see past their own issues. Your mother may be bored or lonely. She may feel unimportant or useless if her children are grown. She may feel like her purpose for being here is gone. She may be controlling your life as a way to feel useful. She may really need to get a life of her own, but she may not know how. Or she may have a fear of looking bad to other people. This could make her feel the need to control her children, because how they look reflects on her value as a mother. Many parents are afraid of how their children and their choices make them look. Her fear of not being good enough could be a large part of the problem. Or she may have a fear-of-loss issue. This means she is afraid of losing you physically or spiritually and this fear could drive her to hold on way too tight. She could also have fear around losing her reputation if you make mistakes. Do any of those seem accurate in your situation? Once you understand why she feels the need to control you, you can figure out which of these suggestions might help:
Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in overcoming fear. She offers a free webinar every Tuesday night with info on her website. Question:
I have enjoyed your articles on KSL. I think you have helped me to understand people much better, but I have a friend who is always competing with me. She thinks her kids are better than mine, she thinks her life and all the choices she makes are better than mine. How do I let go and not let this bother me, when she is always comparing her life versus mine, with her life always being "better"? Answer: In these situations, the most important thing is to make sure you are seeing her behavior and the situation accurately. What I mean is, people tend to take this kind of behavior personally, when it’s really not about them. Her need to compare is about her insecurities about herself. She is most likely scared she isn’t good enough. Almost all bad behavior can be traced back to this fear at some level. I believe almost everyone on the planet is battling this fear, on a daily basis. This fear of not being enough creates all kinds of bad behavior in people, including showing off or bragging to make themselves feel more valuable. It causes selfishness because these people cannot see past their own fears enough to see the needs of others. Fear of not being enough keeps their focus on themselves. This fear also makes us see other people as different from us. If others are different, this implies that they have to be either better than you or worse than you. No one wants to feel worse than anyone else, so some people subconsciously look for the bad in others to make themselves feel better. Your friend is probably subconsciously looking for the bad in you (and the good in herself) to quiet her fear of not being enough. Casting others as the bad guy so she can feel like the good guy is a common subconscious way to deal with low self-esteem. This fear also makes people think others have to lose for them to win. Fear makes people see the world from a scarcity perspective. In this place, you feel threatened when anything good happens to anyone else. You are subconsciously afraid that will leave less for you. Now that you understand why your friend is behaving this way, you can choose a better response. Here are some options: 1. You could just ignore the behavior. It’s not about you anyway, and just because your friend sees herself as better than you doesn’t make it true. You have the same infinite absolute value no matter what she thinks or says, so her behavior and comments are really irrelevant. This would be a great option, though it’s not always easy to do. You have to commit to not caring what she says and love her as she is (an imperfect, struggling, scared, student in the classroom of life, just like you.) 2. Love and validate her. I believe that all bad behavior is about a person's fear about himself, which means that all bad behavior is a request for love or validation. Your friend is behaving this way because she isn’t sure she’s good enough, so you could try giving her tons of validation and constantly tell her how amazing she is and how much you look up to her. (I realize you probably aren’t going to want to do this, because we don’t like to reward selfish behavior with validation, but it can make a difference.) After a while, your friend might feel so safe and loved around you that she no longer needs to compare and compete. It can feel powerful and amazing to give love to people who don’t deserve it in that moment. 3. Have a talk with her about it. This has to be done very carefully, because people who are afraid they aren’t good enough can get offended and defensive very easily. You would have to give your friend tons of validation and reassurance first about how much you love her. Then, you would have to ask her if there is anything you could do to be a better friend and show up in support of her better. You would have to be open to making changes to be a better friend yourself (because you can’t ask her to do it if you aren’t willing to). Then, you could ask her if she would be open to making a small change for you, which would really strengthen your friendship. If she says yes, you will tell her that you are really sensitive to feeling that you aren’t good enough (which is true) and you wondered if, moving forward, she would be willing to be careful about not comparing the two of you on any level. You both need to stay centered in the truth that everyone is on their own unique journey (signed up for totally different classes in the classroom of life) and it’s just not healthy to compare. Notice that you are focusing on the future behavior you want to see, not her past bad behavior which she can’t change anyway. If you waste time telling her about her past bad behavior, she will only get defensive. Consider these three options and pick the one that feels right to you. You are the one entitled to know what your perfect lesson in this situation is. It could be about being mature enough to ignore this fear-motivated behavior. It could be about learning to show love to difficult people. Or, it could be about learning how to handle tough conversations in a loving way. You will know what to do. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem. Question:
I like your advice columns on KSL — they really make me stretch and think. One thing that has always bothered me though is the statement you use, "Don't take things too personally." What do you mean by that? Answer: “Don’t take things personally” means you should not let other people's comments, actions, attitudes, opinions or choices affect how you feel about yourself or your life, even if they are a direct and personal attack. (Yes, even direct and personal attacks do not have to be taken personally.) You have the option of saying to yourself, “This person has the right to feel this way if they want to, but I don’t have to agree with them, own their feelings, or let them affect me in any way. That is my right.” One of my favorite authors, Don Miguel Ruiz, in his book "The Four Agreements," says, “There is a huge amount of emotional freedom that comes to you when you take nothing personally … the whole world can gossip about you and send you emotional poison, and if you don’t take it personally, you will not eat it.” You can simply decided not to be affected by the event. Events don’t mean anything until you apply meaning to them anyway. In the past you have applied meaning that caused you pain and suffering, but you have the option of changing how you experience these situations. You could decide to understand that other people's problems are not really about you. This is an important principle of human behavior (so make a note of it) — Most bad behavior is motivated by their own fears about themselves. It is rarely really about you. This means most of their attacks are driven by their own fears of failure or loss, and those fears are their problem. Their fears may cause them to feel threatened by you and even cast you as the bad guy, because it makes them feel safer. But just because they cast you as the bad guy doesn’t mean you are. That is just their story. You do not have to believe the story. You do not have to take it on, adopt it or own it, because doing so will only create unnecessary suffering in your life. Unless, you really are behaving badly. You should always be willing to take a look at yourself and honestly assess if there is any truth to what they say. If there is truth, you may want to learn from this, commit to do better, and then let go of the offense because holding on to it won't serve anyone. If there is no truth behind their attack, you must develop a thicker skin so you can stay in a place of truth, love and peace no matter what anyone says or does around you. You must be able to hold on to the truth about who you are and not let anyone take it from you. Don Miguel Ruiz calls a thick skin “immunity to poison in the middle of hell.” When another person throws their hate, anger and bitterness all over you, you can just peacefully let it slide off. Nothing sticks unless you decide to pick it up and carry it. Don't pick it up and carry it. Don't take it personally. You do not have to stand there and take abuse from anyone, though. I physically remove myself from these types of situations post haste. But if you can’t remove yourself, you are still bulletproof because this person cannot diminish you without your permission. You are bulletproof because you are an infinitely valuable, eternal being whose value cannot be diminished. You do not need to defend yourself, because offenses are only an illusion. They are an illusion because you cannot be diminished. You are the same you no matter what they say or do, and if there is no diminishment possible, there is really no offense possible. If there is no offense, there is no need to defend. You are too bulletproof to need any defense. Superman doesn’t defend himself (or get offended) when people shoot at him because their bullets have no effect. He just stands there and smiles. Why waste the energy being offended? You must know who you are and let that truth override everything else. If they tell you you’re horrible, you can honor and respect their right to think what they think, but you don't have to take it personally and waste energy thinking about it. If our children say, “Mom, that kid says I’m dumb,” my husband always asks, “Well are you dumb?” “No.” “Then what’s the problem?” If you own the truth about who you are, what other people think is irrelevant. Ruiz also says, “by takings things personally, you set yourself up to suffer for nothing.” Don’t sign up for unnecessary suffering. “Your anger, jealousy and envy will all disappear, and even your sadness will simply disappear if you just don’t take things personally.” If you remember this (and stand firm in this truth) you can remain unaffected by anything anyone dishes out, but getting this strong will take some practice. If this is a challenge for you, you might want to get some professional help, from a counselor or coach, to help you improve your self-worth. It will take a little practice, but you can do it. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a life coach and speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem. |
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AuthorKimberly Giles is the president and founder of Claritypoint Life Coaching and 12 SHAPES INC. She is an author and professional speaker. She was named one of the top 20 advice gurus in the country by Good Morning America in 2010. She appears regularly on local and national TV and Radio. Archives
March 2022
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