Question:
How can person fight anxiety (without the use of medication) when they feel it coming on? I heard there was a way to change your thinking that might help. Can you explain how I can do that? Answer: First, let me clarify that the term “anxiety” can be used to describe a whole range of experiences, from just feeling overwhelmed to serious medical conditions. Anxiety can also be caused by a large number of factors — everything from genetic conditions, brain chemistry problems, substance abuse or just trying to do too much too fast. In this article I am addressing the more common, non-medical condition type. If you suffer from an anxiety disorder, you should talk to a medical professional for advice. The one commonality these anxiety experiences share is that they all get worse when you experience stress. Stress, by the way, is a fear problem. (I know some of my readers are bothered by the fact that I believe every problem is a fear problem, but I assure you it is. If you can't see that yet, keep looking at it.) Facing fear The next time you feel anxiety, ask yourself, “What am I afraid of?” You are either afraid of looking bad, being rejected and failing, or you are afraid of losing something (reputation, money, opportunities, etc.) Once you clearly define the fear, you can process your way out of it with better thinking. Learning how to think situations through in an accurate, positive way will make a huge difference, no matter what kind of anxiety you have (though some forms of anxiety will require medical or professional help along with better thinking). The fastest way to change your thinking is to choose trust in two truths that are the opposite of the two most common fears. The two most common fears that cause anxiety are:
The power of choices Remember: The one power you have in every situation is the power to choose your mindset. We learned this from Victor Frankl, a Viennese psychotherapist who was a prisoner in a Nazi concentration camp. In spite of everything in his life that went wrong, he chose an attitude of trust and love. What many people don’t know about Frankl is that he went on to become the father of logotherapy (a kind of therapy that encourges people to choose how they want to experience each situation). “Logos” is the Greek word that means, “To make meaning out of something.” Frankl believed that you get to decide what each event in your life means, because events don't mean anything until you apply meaning to them. You get to choose your attitude and how every experience will affect your life — but if you don't make this choice, your subconscious mind will choose for you, and it will usually choose fear. Frankl believed that you should reframe each experience in whatever way best serves you (still within the framework of reality, of course). If trusting the process of life and seeing it as a safe process with meaning and purpose gives you peace, you should choose that outlook. I believe choosing to trust that everything happens for a reason serves your process of growth, eliminates fear and makes life better. The formula This is my formula for eliminating anxious thoughts in the moment:
"Nothing in life creates more deep-seated anxieties than the false assumption that life should be free from anxieties and problems." –Unknown You cannot control life and you won't always be able to make it the way you want it, so you might as well just trust it. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem.
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Question:
I've been going through a lot and I’m afraid I’m headed for a breakdown. I've been trying so hard to keep it together, but I'm a mess. I'm so worn down, I cry almost every day. Any advice for me? Answer: A breakdown may be just what you need. A breakdown is defined as the loss of ability to function. A breakdown is life’s way of saying that what you’re doing isn’t working and you need to make some changes. It is a sign that some of the things you thought were true may not be. A breakdown is your chance to begin again, question your assummptions, learn some new things and live your life in a different way. Sometimes a breakdown is necessary to get your attention. You may hold onto your bad habits and poor relationship skills forever, thinking that if you keep doing these things long enough, they will eventually work. It often takes a breakdown before you are forced to change your ways. This is not a fun place to be, though, and it's okay to shed some tears. You may need what behavior therapists call a “pre-learning temper tantrum.” So, take a minute and kick and scream with frustration about being here if you need to. Afterward, put on your big kid pants and commit to the work of changing yourself. Changing you will be the key to changing your life, and it’s not going to be an easy or painless process. There will be many more moments of sadness or discouragement along the way, but understand that some pain is not necessarily a bad thing. Pain is just your subconscious mind trying to get your attention; you wouldn’t be as motivated to change yourself if it didn’t hurt a little. It sounds to me like you're ready for a breakthrough. A breakthrough is defined as the act, result or place of surpassing an obstruction, and/or discovering something new. Are you ready to learn something new and change yourself? Here are some ideas to get you started in that process: 1. Make sure you see yourself accurately. Do you know who you are? Do you know that your value is infinite and absolute because you are a one-of-a-kind? Do you know that nothing you do or don’t do changes your value, because life is a classroom, not a testing center? Can you trust that you are right on track in your personal process of growing and learning? Do you realize you are bulletproof and nothing anyone else says or does can diminish you? If not, get some expert help from a counselor or coach who can help you internalize these truths and improve your self-esteem. You might also read some self-help books or talk to other people who have turned breakdowns into breakthroughs and find out what they learned. Seeing yourself accurately is an important first step. 2. Make sure you see other people accurately. If life is a classroom, then the people in your life are there for a specific reason: to help you become a better person. In order to teach you things, they are going to push your buttons, tick you off and let you see your faults and insecurities. This is what they are supposed to do — get used to it. The question is, what are you supposed to learn from having this person in your life? What is dealing with them showing you about yourself? Can you see that the people in your life are scared, struggling human beings, just like you? Can you see that their bad behavior is not about you, but about their own fears about themselves? Could you choose to see their bad behavior as a request for love? That is truly what it is. Could you choose to take the high road and be more loving, not because they deserve it, but because it’s the type of person you want to be? 3. Make sure you see your situation accurately. If life is a classroom, then every situation is a lesson. If this situation is a lesson, then you are meant to find the solution. If you keep at it, you will find the answer. You may need some help, though. Talk to friends, family members, or a counselor or coach about what’s happening, and ask them to help you see what you might be missing. Stay open and don’t be afraid of accepting your mistakes or learning new things. There are so many life, relationship and communication skills out there which you haven’t discovered yet. There is an infinite supply of knowledge about happy, successful living. This information could better your life and take away some of your pain. I recommend you listen to the universe and seek out some new life skills. You can do this. This feeling of discouragement and hopelessness won’t last. Just don’t give up. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in improving self esteem. Question:
I need some help dealing with anxiety. It’s not serious enough for medication, but I do worry all the time about everything. I was hoping you could give me some “life coach advice” on quieting the fears in my head. I drive my husband crazy with my worrying and I wish I could be more peaceful like him. Answer: Here are some principles which may help you change this. Principle: Worry never robs tomorrow of its problems, it only robs today of its joy. Studies have shown most things you worry about will never happen and the things which do happen are usually out of your control, so no amount of worrying could prevent them. This means that worry is a waste of your time and energy. It does not change the outcome of the future at all, but it definitely affects the quality of your life today. You may think that worrying protects you. You may believe worrying helps you avoid or prevent problems. It doesn’t. Doubt, fear and worry are not motivating. They sap your energy, leaving you less able to deal with real problems when they actually happen. Sir William Osler recommended living your life in “day-tight" compartments, meaning you focus on what is in your control today and leave the problems that might happen to tomorrow. Principle: Setting aside a specific time to worry makes worrying more difficult to do. Don’t try to stop worrying. This actually keeps you thinking about not thinking about it, which is actually still thinking about it. Instead, set aside a specific time in your day to do all your worrying. If worry shows up before then, tell yourself, “Not now, I’m going to worry about that later.” When the time comes, give yourself 30 minutes to deeply dwell in worry about everything that's on your mind. You may find it’s difficult to do it that long. Principle: You will find peace by focusing on solutions. During your worry time, instead of dwelling on your fears, focus on solutions to the problem if it actually arises. Spend time researching the issue and make sure you have all the facts. Dean Hawkes of Columbia University said, “Half the worry in the world is caused by people trying to make decisions before they have sufficient knowledge on which to base a decision.” Don't assume anything. Get all the facts, and solutions will be easier to find. Principle: Uncertainty is part of life, and it doesn’t have to scare you. Accept that uncertainty is beautiful part of the adventure of life. Not knowing what tomorrow holds isn’t a bad thing. Just because it is "unknown" shouldn’t scare you. Your future is just as likely to be good as it is bad. Most people would like to know exactly what to expect so they could prepare themselves, but there is a reason life doesn’t work that way: It would ruin the adventure. Life is a fantastic adventure with each day being a journey into a previously untouched place. It's exciting this way. Choose to trust the Universe that things will work out and you will be OK. If you stay positive and stay in trust, you are more likely to attract a positive future. Principle: Focus on being present, and you are always OK. Practice being more present in the moment, because you are always OK right now — and there will never be a moment when it isn’t right now. So you have nothing to worry about. George Macdonald said, “No man ever sank under the burden of the day. It is when tomorrow's burden is added to the burden of today that the weight is more than a man can bear.” Take everything one moment at a time. You can plan for future events, but don't hold fear around them. Choose your emotion in this moment right now. Principle: Fear is a choice. You do not have to be worried or scared about anything. You get to choose your attitude and mindset in each situation. You get to decide how you will experience your life. You can choose to experience each situation with fear or you can choose to ride through it with hope, trust and optimism. You can choose to focus on other people instead of dwelling on your worries. This makes a big difference. You may not believe that you have a choice about your fear — especially if you are in a habit of dwelling in drama and suffering — but you do. Fear is a choice, and so is peace. Choose to trust that your value is infinite and absolute and you are not here to fail. Choose to trust that life is a classroom and every experience a lesson here to teach you something. Choose to trust that things will work out for the best. Choose to trust yourself to find the solutions to problems, because you are meant to. “There is much in the world to make us afraid. There is much more in our faith to make us unafraid.” – Fredick W. Cropp Practice choosing trust instead of worry. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in self esteem. Watch Coach Kim on KSLAM every Monday at 6:15am Question:
I'd like advice on how to help someone who's going through a personal crisis. I know being a shoulder to cry on goes a long way, but what about when it's time to help the person get back on their feet? I have a hard time knowing when to offer advice and when to let the person find their own answers. How do I offer suggestions and guidance without pushing someone too far in one direction or another? Answer: You’re asking for advice for giving advice? I love this question because it gives me the opportunity to share the core principles behind my LIFEadvice articles. Here are my tips for giving good advice to others… Principle: Listening is what they need most. Listening to someone validates who they are at the deepest level. Being an active listener is more than just nodding and repeating what they say, though. A good listener is also a good question asker. You can help someone find the answers they are looking for on their own by just asking questions that help them look at the problem from different perspectives. The most powerful way to help someone is empowering them to help themselves. Principle: The person seeking advice is the one entitled to inspiration about his or her situation. As a life coach, I have learned most people already know the answer to the question they are asking, they just don’t trust their own judgment. Don't let them use you as a crutch. It doesn't serve them. Keep asking questions about what they think and feel until they own their inner truth. This technique leaves room for their inner guidance to direct them. All the answers they need (and are entitled to), God and the universe will provide for them right on time. If they aren’t getting the answer yet, they may not be ready for it. Don’t knock yourself out trying to explain a solution – if they can’t see it, they aren't ready. When they are ready and if you are the right teacher for this lesson, you will be inspired with the right words to say. If the right words aren’t coming, trust there is a reason and keep listening. Principle: Listen for inspiration. You cannot possibly know what’s right for another person but God does know. Be very attentive, at these times, to the whispering of the spirit. It is sacred ground you walk here. Make sure you ask God for guidance and listen for it. Principle: Honoring where the person is means asking permission before you share. I strongly recommend asking permission questions before you give any advice or share what you think about anything. This is a powerful way to show each person you honor and respect them. A permission question may sound like:
If they say no, respect that. Respecting how they feel this time will build trust, and they will be more likely to listen to you next time. Principle: Base the advice you give on principles of truth. I base all my advice on universal principles of truth. If I don’t know the answer, I review principles until they guide me to a solution that feels right. Here are some basic principles which help people to see themselves and their situation more accurately. These are truths most people know, but forget in times of crisis when they are emotional or scared. Core Principles:
Principle: Recognize when professional help is needed. If someone is dealing with addiction, mental illness, depression or any other serious situation, you must refer them to a mental health professional, counselor, therapist or doctor. If you aren’t sure whether a professional is appropriate, err on the side of caution and recommend it anyway. I hope this helps. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker. Watch Kim on KSL TV every Monday at 6:15am. Follow her on Twitter @coachkimgiles Dear Coach Kim:
I’m so overwhelmed and I can’t come close to getting everything done. Can you give me some advice on handling stress so I’m nicer to my family and maybe share some ways to make my days more productive? There are days that make you want to hit your head against the wall, but you have to find a way to chill out. Stress and overwhelm can take a huge toll on your relationships and your health. There are three reasons you may be experiencing overwhelm. Figure out which of the three is the cause of your stress, and you’re on your way to a solution. 1. You have more on your plate than is humanly possible to do. Get realistic about your responsibilities and your schedule. If you want to stay sane, you are going to have to drop some things. You can’t do it all. Look at your priorities and decide what’s most important. Your kids will survive with fewer activities and your house will survive being less than perfect. You don’t have anything to prove. Stop and smell the roses. Literally. Forget what the neighbors think, simplify your life and lower your standards. 2. You could handle what’s on your plate if you were more organized. It’s time to get serious about time management. You may be resistant to adopting a time management system because it feels restrictive, but it will make a huge difference in your life. By the way, making lists does not qualify as time management. There is no time scheduling involved on a list. Lists cause overwhelm. Throw out the lists and use a planner or an electronic equivalent. Figure out what needs to be done and schedule a specific time to do each task. Plan a week at a time instead of a day at a time because there’s more time to work with. If you struggle with this, get some help. 3. Stop using “I’m so overwhelmed” as an excuse to get you out of being more responsible. Some people who dwell in stress and overwhelm talk about it constantly. They are using the telling of this story in order to gain sympathy, get attention or to keep anyone from asking them to do anything else. Take a minute and make sure this isn’t you. What would change if you stopped complaining about your stress and just got to work? It’s time to put on your grown-up pants and take responsibility for your life. This will also involve some time management and prioritizing. Don’t waste time hitting your head against the wall even if it burns calories. Get organized and schedule some time to relax and have fun. “The man who doesn’t relax and hoot a few hoots voluntarily, now and then, is in great danger of hooting hoots and standing on his head for the edification of the pathologist and trained nurse, a little later on.” – Elbert Hubbard |
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AuthorKimberly Giles is the president and founder of Claritypoint Life Coaching and 12 SHAPES INC. She is an author and professional speaker. She was named one of the top 20 advice gurus in the country by Good Morning America in 2010. She appears regularly on local and national TV and Radio. Archives
March 2022
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