This article was first published on KSL.COM
Question: I have a tendency to let people guilt me into doing things I don’t want to do. My mother for instance. I can’t say no to her or maybe the problem is she won’t accept no. She always comes up with logic to counter everything I say. In the end, I always give in and do what she wants. I am just too nice? Do you have any advice for me? Answer: Your problem is not that you are too nice. Your problem is that you are weak and afraid of what others think of you. This isn’t a “nice” problem, it's a fear problem. You are so afraid of looking bad, mean or selfish that you put other people’s wants and needs ahead of yours. You are overly selfless, and yes that’s a big problem. When you consistently sacrifice yourself for others, everyone ends up happy and liking you, except yourself. The problem is that most of you think you only have two choices when someone asks you to do something you don’t want to do. Option one is to say NO and hurt or disappoint the other person, who then might think less of you (or think you are selfish) which is really terrifying to those of you who already fear you aren’t good enough. This option also feels like you are valuing yourself over the other person, which feels wrong. Option two is to betray yourself (and value the other person more than yourself) and give the other person what they want. This option feels safer because even though you aren’t happy, you are at least assured the other person likes and approves of you. This option feels more righteous and loving, but at the same time it leaves you feeling taken from. The good news is there is a third option (one that many people don’t know exists). Instead of being strong and selfish, or loving and weak, you can learn to be strong and loving at the same time. In this place you accurately value yourself and the other person the same amount. You can clearly see everyone's needs as worthy of being honored, yours and theirs. In this place you strike a healthy balance between standing up for yourself and honoring your needs, and sacrificing to serve, love or give to others. If you want to be emotionally happy and healthy you must have this balance. If you don’t have a healthy balance between giving and receiving there will be problems in your relationships. You may start to resent the people you constantly sacrifice for and they will stop appreciating your sacrifices, because they will take them for granted. You will also have low self-esteem (if you are overly selfless) because you are constantly giving power to the idea that other people are more important than you. In order to fix this tendency to betray yourself, you must embrace some new principles of truth around your value and life. Read the following often: Principle 1: What other people think of me is irrelevant. I am the same me no matter what they think. Their opinion doesn't affect or change my value. I have the same infinite, absolute value whether they like me and my decisions or not. I do not need their approval. I just love them and myself where we are. Principle 2: I teach people how to treat me by how I treat myself. I honor my own needs because I want other people to honor them. If I always put others' needs first, I am literally teaching them that my needs are not important. I believe all human beings have the same value and we are all equally important. Principle 3: If I disrespect myself and allow people to push me around, they won’t respect me. Weakness is never respected. I may think my sacrifice and love will win their approval, but do I really want approval at the cost of respect? In the end, I will create what I feared. Even though I give them their way, they will think less of me anyway. If I make sure my own needs are met, people will respect me for it. Principle 4: It is not selfish to take care of my own needs. The Bible says to love your neighbor “as” yourself, not “instead” of yourself. This means I am just as valuable and important as everyone else. When I honor my own needs I demonstrate to the world that all people deserve to be honored and respected. No one is more important than anyone else. My needs and wants should take precedence over others about half the time. This is not selfish, it’s healthy. Principle 5: If I don’t love myself first, I am not really capable of giving love to others. If I don't value myself, I basically have an empty bucket, which makes me needy all the time. From this place I really have nothing to give others. When I give to others from this place, my gifts have strings attached because I need something (approval) back. From this place all my loving behavior is driven by my need to get validation. That is not love. Real love can only happen when I experience the same amount of love for myself as I feel toward the other person. When I love myself I can give from a full bucket and people will feel this and appreciate my gifts much more. Using these principles of truth to guide you, I recommend that you redefine your boundaries and write some rules for yourself about when you are going to say YES and when you are going to say NO. Here is an example: I give to others often, I also say NO to other people’s requests if doing what they want would: — Make me resent them for asking — Make me feel taken from — Force me to miss something that’s important to me — Push me over the edge of sanity. This is the loving thing for all concerned. I do not need to hold fear around how others will feel when I say no. I know it is the right thing for me, and that is enough. I will tell them with love that I can’t do it (without having to explain why). In the end, they will respect me for my strength and love. Taking the time to write on paper exactly how you are going to feel and behave the next time your mother tries to guilt you into giving in will really help. If she won't take your loving no for an answer, say, “Mom, is there anything else I could do to show you I love and respect you, if I can’t do this?” See if there is another way to show her you love her — something that works for you. It is really hard when you have someone in your life who is overly selfish and doesn’t honor your needs, and there may be times you have to let her be mad at you and process her frustration. She is the one choosing to be bothered, and that isn't any of your business. Let her be mad without letting it affect your self-esteem. Remember that just because she is choosing to feel upset, doesn’t mean you were wrong to say NO. Her opinion and feelings don’t affect your value. If you really struggle with this problem, I would highly recommend seeking out some professional help with fear and rebuilding self-esteem. It would make a big difference. You can do this.
0 Comments
This article was first published on KSL.COM
Question: I have some friends who complain constantly about their problems but get offended if I give them any advice on fixing what’s wrong. Do they just want to stay where they are? Should I just listen? Is that a good friend? Or is there anything else I can do to get them to listen to me and make changes? Maybe I’m giving advice the wrong way? Answer: We all know people we would like to advice, change, or help, but we must handle these situations the right way or people will get offnded, turn a deaf ear or even passive aggressively dig further into their bad behavior. To give advice the right way you must understand a few basic principles of human behavior. These principles will help you to understand why people react negatively to advice and how you can create a safe space for advice that won’t offend. This is great information for parents, managers and leaders. Principle 1: Remember everyone on the planet is battling a deep core fear of failure (a fear that they aren’t good enough), and this fear causes a great deal of pain. We also have subconscious programs which encourage us to avoid anything that might trigger this fear. We are never excited about conversations around our need to change because they obviously mean we aren’t good enough now. The more subconscious fear of failure a person has, the less open they are to advice. This is unfortunate because they are the ones who need the advice most, but this is still how it works. When people have good self-esteem they can handle feedback without pain or fear, but most people don’t have good self-esteem. Principle 2: People will not be open to advice or changing themselves until they first feel fully accepted as they are right now. If they don’t feel accepted now, they will insist on staying where they are until you do. Don’t be discouraged by this. You can fully accept someone as they are right now (even with behaviors you don’t like) and create a safe space where they will be more open to changing. You just have to focus on their intrinsic worth and remember it matters more than their current behavior. Never lose sight of the truth, that they are a one of a kind, irreplaceable being with the same value as you. Loving them unconditionally must come first. Once they feel your love they will be more open to your influence. Principle 3: Listening to them and validating them — honoring and respecting their right to be who they are — is what most people need most. Listening to someone validates their intrinsic worth. Listening without giving advice is a great gift and remember being an active listener is more than just nodding and repeating what they say. A good listener is also a good question-asker. You can often help someone figure out what they need to change on their own by just asking questions that help them look at the problem from different perspectives. The most powerful way to help another person is to empower them to help themselves. Principle 4: The person to whom this challenge belongs — the one who is in the class — is the only one entitled to inspiration about his or her situation. You may have been in a similar situation but that doesn’t mean your right answer is the right answer for them. They are the only one who will know which path is their perfect journey, so don’t forget this and presume to know better. As a life coach, I have learned most people already know the answers to their problems, they just don’t trust themselves. They are hoping we will tell them what they already know to quiet their fears of being wrong. Don't let them use you as a crutch. It doesn't serve them. Keep asking questions about what they think and feel until they own their inner truth. This technique also leaves room for their inner guidance to direct them. All the answers they need God and the universe will provide. If they aren’t getting the answer yet, they may not be ready for it, or they may still have lessons to learn in this place. When they are ready and if you are the right teacher for this lesson, you may feel prompted to share and give advice, but make sure you use the fifth principle first. Principle 5: Always ask permission before you share your story, give advice, make suggestions or tell someone what you think. This makes a person feel honored and respected, and it means they really are open to hear you. Never tell another person anything unless you have asked permission to go there first. A permission question may sound like:
If they say no, respect that. Respecting how they feel this time will build a relationship of trust where they will be more likely to trust you next time. Parents, your teens will feel respected when you honor their "no" and they will respect you more back. Principle 6: Use more "I" statements than "you" statements. People tend to get offended when you start with "you do this" or "you have a tendency to ..." It goes over much better when you say "I have found that when I …” Speak to what you personally know and feel instead of making statements about them. Principle 7: Focus more on future behavior than past behavior. People get defensive and frustrated when you talk about their past bad behavior because they can’t change it. Instead, focus on their future behavior because that they have control over. “Would you consider in the future, moving forward, working on … ?” “Do you think moving forward it might help to … ?” Also notice how phrasing suggestions as questions delivers them in a softer way. Principle 8: Base any advice you give on principles of truth. Here are some basic truths which help people to see themselves and their situation more accurately. Most people know these, but they forget them in times of crisis when they are emotional or scared. Life truths:
You can do this. This article was first published on KSL.com
Question: I am so stressed out that I’m falling apart physically. I’m sick, tired, worried and grouchy most of the time. In this state, I’m not the greatest parent and my marriage is struggling. The problem is I can’t change my situation. I have to keep this job and I have to keep giving to my family. So how do I change my feelings, outlook and behavior when I’m stuck in this situation. My stress isn’t going anywhere, so how do I handle it better? Answer: The Urban Dictionary defines burned-out as “What occurs when you overwork yourself into a state of limited mental acuity, depleted emotions and strength completely drained from your body.” You sound burned-out and running on empty. You cannot live for extended periods of time without serious negative effects on your body and spirit. You also can't show up for others when you have nothing to give. Even though you can’t change the situation that is causing your stress, There are lots of things you can do that would make a huge difference and fill your emotional tank back up. First, you must identify all the things in your life that are draining your tank:
Some people struggle with self-care because they associate it with being lazy, self-indulgent or selfish. It is very important you don’t think this way. Keeping your own tank full is not self-indulgent, it is wise. You also perform better with a full tank. You are more creative, effective, giving and powerful when you are filled up emotionally. Self-care is not self-indulgent. It is a sign of self-respect. If people in your life don’t get this, that is not your problem. Even if they are bothered. If they reset you for this, they probably need some self care too, but feel too guilty to take it. Also, if you have given too much for too long, the people in your life may have grown accustomed to your giving all the time and they now take your sacrifices for granted. They expect you to give without ever taking care of you. The only way to change this (so they appreciate you more) is to show them that you are valuable and take care of yourself. This may mean saying no and on occasion sacrificing their needs for yours. They may not like this at first, but they will respect you more in the end for doing it, I promise. (Though don't go overboard and become selfish either. You must find a healthy balance.) Here are some signs that your emotional tank is running low and you need more self-care:
You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular coach and speaker. This article was first published on KSL.COM
Question: Every time I get assigned a big, overwhelming or difficult project at work, the same pattern shows up. I want to start working on it and get it done, but I end up putting it off for weeks or even months. I procrastinate until the last minute and then have to rush it. I never do things as well as I wanted to, either. Why do I repeat this pattern every time? How can I stop getting overwhelmed by big projects and feel more confident and get them done earlier? Answer: Most people think procrastination is a time management issues — but it really isn’t. It is a fear problem. (I know some of you still aren’t convinced yet that almost every problem is a fear problem, but it is.) Joseph R. Ferrari, an associate professor of psychology at DePaul University, says, "Telling someone who procrastinates to buy a weekly planner is like telling someone with chronic depression to just cheer up." It’s a little more complicated than that. The real cause of procrastination is a basic, instinctive, subconscious program that has been with us as long as we have existed as a species, it is our fight and flight response to scary things. This subconscious response is obviously necessary for our survival, but it can cause some serious problems in modern-day life. Imagine you were walking down the street and a hungry crocodile came running out of the bushes at you. What would you do immediately without even thinking about it? You would run! You are literally programmed to always run and hide from scary things if you can. If you can’t run or escape, you will fight, but if running or avoiding the scary thing is an option, you will always choose that. This makes sense when we are talking about wild animals. Avoiding these is a good idea, but you have the same subconscious reaction to big, difficult projects. Your first inclination or unconscious reaction is going to be avoid it, hide or run. The question is what are you afraid of? This is the question you must ask yourself every time we feel overwhelmed or catch yourself procrastinating. “What am I really afraid of that is causing this behavior?” The fear is probably based in one of the two core human fears: failure or loss. You may be afraid you won’t do the project well enough and it subconsciously feels safer to avoid it than to try to not do it perfectly. (This is the fear that made me procrastinate publishing my book for six years. I was deathly afraid it wouldn’t be good enough and I would be a failure.) You could also be afraid of losing your reputation, losing the respect of other people or having the failure affect the way others see you, meaning you would lose their friendship or love. When you are overwhelmed with the size of a project, you might be afraid it’s too big and you will never complete it or that it’s just too complex. It might feel safer to put it off and avoid it so you don’t have to find out that you weren’t capable. Here are some suggestions for conquering your fears and making yourself take action:
You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and is a coach and speaker. First Published on KSL.com
Question: I honestly feel my difficult situation is hopeless and it is ripping me apart. I would love some advice on how to cope when you feel all is lost because right now I am just miserable. I’m not suicidal or anything though, just really discouraged by my lot in life. I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels this way. What advice do you have for helping me pull myself up in spite of a hopeless situation? Answer: I appreciate you mentioning that you aren’t suicidal, but if your dark, hopeless feelings don’t go away with an attitude shift, you may still want to visit with a mental health professional to make sure depression is not a factor. Hopelessness is defined as believing your situation is beyond any optimism, impossible or incapable of solution or improvement. It is not a state of depression, but a discouragement in that your just situation can’t be changed. Hopelessness is often a self-fulfilling prophecy too, because when you believe your situation is hopeless, you usually don't try too hard to change it. Then, when you do nothing to change your situation, and nothing changes, you think you were right. Aaron T. Beck, the father of Cognitive Therapy and creator of the Beck Hopelessness Scale, found that everyone has negative, hopeless thoughts that pop up spontaneously at times. The problem is that if you spend too much time in these hopeless thoughts, you can start to believe them. Beck helps people identify their hopeless thoughts, evaluate them for accuracy and change them. This simple, but not easy, process almost always leads to greater happiness and more solutions. The only way to escape the hopelessness cycle is to question your belief about the situation being hopeless. If you can change the belief, you will then put more effort into changing things. However, this can be very hard to do if you've been dealing with your situation for a long time. Just start by choosing to stay open to miraculous possibilities and change your mindset about why this situation is showing up in your life. I love this line from "Impossible," the inspiring song from Rogers and Hammerstein's "Cinderella:" “The world is full of zanys and fools/who don’t believe in sensible rules/and because these daft and dewy eyed dopes, keep building up impossible hopes/impossible things are happening every day.” You know it’s true, miracles happen. I see them all the time. People who thought they couldn’t change who do, and marriages everyone thought were doomed turn around and start to thrive. So don’t throw in the towel too quickly on anything, unless your gut says your perfect journey is to move on. Your inner truth always knows what’s right for you. If your gut says to keep fighting though, don't give up. Start by telling yourself it is possible to change this situation. Even if the situation won’t change, you can always change, or you can change the way you are experiencing the situation and that could change everything. There are many factors that lead to hopelessness. Here are five of those factors and some possible solutions: 1. Not finding an easy answer. The reality is that most problems don't have an easy answer, but they do have an answer and you are meant to find it eventually. If you can’t see the solution or a way to change your attitude about your situation, it doesn’t mean there isn’t one. It just means you still have something to learn from the situation the way it is. When the lesson is over, you will find the solution and things will get better. Just don’t give up until then. I've seen couples struggle with their marriages for 20 years and then finally change it. It wasn't easy, but they kept trying until their efforts paid off. 2. Feeling powerless. You could be in a situation where you feel like you have no power to change anything. In these situations remember you can always change the way you are experiencing the situation. Viktor Frankl, who suffered through the concentration camps during WWII, was powerless to get out. He did, however, discover that he still had power over one thing: to chose his attitude. He chose to find positive things to focus on and to see meaning and purpose in his suffering. You have the power to choose your mindset about your situation too and this will make a difference. You can choose to see life as a classroom and the main purpose of life is to teach you things and help you grow. This means every experience is here to serve that purpose. You can step back from any negative situation — even a hopeless one — and ask “I wonder how this situation is going to help me become a better person?” The answer will put you one step closer to getting the lesson, seeing the situation accurately and getting out. You should never feel powerless because you always have this power. 3. You think you've tried everything. How many times have you said "I've tried everything!" Realistically, you haven't tried everything because that would be impossible. There is a great worksheet on my website resources page that takes you through a brainstorming process to find solutions. The worksheet won’t let you stop until you think of 50 possible solutions. I promise you there are things you haven’t tried, people you could go to for help and resources you haven’t tapped into. Remember this is a lesson and you are going to get something positive from it, and it is most likely meant to be solved. 4. You're focusing on what you can't change instead of what you can change. There are some things you simply cannot change. Don't get caught up focusing on those things. One of my clients told me that her father was diagnosed with a terminal illness and she watched him experience all the stages of grief, including denial, as he came to terms with dying. Finally, he chose to focus on changing how he viewed the situation — the only thing he could change. He decided to look for some good his dying could create. He told his children, "Your mother has always lived under the shadow of supporting me...you just watch and see how she will grow now." He chose to see a benefit in a very difficult trial. Again, even if you can’t change anything else, changing your attitude can make a huge difference. 5. You believe that what you can't change is essential. We don't get upset about unimportant things, we get upset about things we believe are essential. So you have to decide if what you're feeling hopeless about is really essential? You might have a relationship that is ending and feel like you can't live without it. But you lived without it before you were in the relationship, so chances are, you will be able to live after it. A client once said, “I can never be happy unless my wife changes.” I don't believe that is true. You can place those kinds of conditions on your happiness if you want to, but you could also choose to be happy now if you wanted to. Also, remember that you don’t have to carry years of suffering with this difficult situation today. You only have to get through this hour, or this minute choosing to be happy with things as they are. You only have control over how you feel right now. Don’t worry about how you will feel days, months or years from now. Focus on today and choosing happiness in spite of what’s missing. Also, don’t place conditions on happiness. Take it one hour at a time and you can do this! Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com and is a popular coach and speaker. This article was co-written by Lisa Stirland, a Claritypoint Life Coach. Question:
I really enjoy your weekly columns on KSL.com. I read last week's article about dealing with criticism and found it very insightful. This article was addressed to the person on the receiving end of the criticism. If I may, I'd like to suggest another article with the critical person as the target audience. How can one start facing those core fears and stop being critical? Answer: The first step to changing your negative behavior is to get conscious of how you are behaving and why. There is always a reason (or a payoff you are getting) for behaving this way. It is the real reason you do it. Once you can see clearly why you do it and what triggers it, you then have the power to catch yourself and choose something better. Neuroscientists tell us that our subconscious programing is the real problem behind most of our behavior problems. Somewhere along the line (usually in childhood) you learned this bad behavior and thought it was a good thing (a win on some level) and so you have continued to do it. Dr. David Krueger said, “Behavioral patterns and belief systems downloaded especially from parents in the first years of life become automatic... Neuroscientists estimate that about 95% of our behaviors and core beliefs are pre-programmed in the subconscious mind, operating on autopilot.” The ideas, beliefs or behavior patterns we learn in childhood become the rules that dictate the way we respond to life and the world, even if they are ineffective and relationship damaging. Eric Berne M.D. published an interesting book on this subject, back in 1964, called Games People Play. It this book he describes these subconscious rituals or behavior patterns as games. You can recognize a psychological game because it is a slightly manipulative or self-serving behavior and includes a selfish maneuver to get a payoff, which makes the game worth playing. I believe this payoff is mostly about the quieting your core fear of failure or loss. Most of the time you are trying to quiet your fear of failure and shame. In last week’s article I mentioned the Shame and Blame Game. This is the one you are playing if you are critical and quick to judge other people. On the outside you may just look like a negative person, but it’s really about looking for faults in others so you can shift your shame (fear of not being good enough) onto someone else. The more bad you see or point out in others, the more your own shame is lessened. When you cast them as the bad guy, it makes you the good guy. At least that is what you think will happen. In reality putting other people down only makes you feel better temporarily, because focusing on their shame doesn’t really take yours away. It just distracts you for a minute. Here are some other psychological games you might have learned as a child and still play as an adult: The Self-Pity Card Game: This happens when someone calls you on some bad behavior and you immediately (subconsciously) play the self-pity card, asking them to excuse your bad behavior and feel sorry for you. You may say things like, “It is just that everything is going wrong for me right now, I’m having a horrible day, I have no friends, or I’m just so depressed that's why I behaved badly.” You basically use self-pity to manipulate your way out of being responsible for your behavior. The downside to this game (and all games) is eventually people will lose respect for you and in the end, feeling pity towards you isn’t love. The Sympathy Card Game: This happens when you constantly talk about how bad you have it or how terrible you are. This is a subconscious game to get validation or reassurance from other people. People play this game on Facebook when they leave posts like “Worst Day Ever” but they don’t leave an explanation about what happened. They do this because they are subconsciously making people prove they care enough to ask. This game is a subtle and immature way to get love and attention. It’s Their Fault That I Can’t… Game: This game is about blaming someone else for making it impossible for you to do something you really should be doing. The payoff here is this gives you a great excuse for not being who you should be. “It’s my husband’s fault that I don’t eat healthy and keep gaining weight. I just can’t get him to stop eating junk food, so it’s what I have to buy.” I’m so Overwhelmed: If you constantly talk about how overworked, tired, and overwhelmed you are, you might be playing this game. You might even subconsciously take on too much, to make sure you stay in this state. There are a lot of payoffs with this game. You have a good excuse to turn down anything you don’t want to do. You get validation from what a hard worker you are and you get to use the self-pity card to excuse your bad behavior. You may be subconsciously choosing to feel terrible and overburdened all the time, because these payoffs are so desirable. You Don’t Love Me: This is a common game in many marriages where one or both parties are looking for proof (in the other’s behavior) that they aren’t really loved, liked, wanted or appreciated. If you are subconsciously looking for evidence that your spouse doesn’t love you, you will find it. You will find whatever you are trying to find. It won’t necessarily be accurate though. When your wife is too tired for sex it probably has more to do with her chasing small children all day, giving too much without taking care of herself, or her own body or sexuality issues. It may not be because she doesn’t love you. But if you are playing the You Don’t Love Me game, the goal here is to gather evidence that makes her the bad guy so you (by default) are the victim and good guy. This is about gathering evidence about who loves who less, so you can cast her as the bad one and thereby win the game. Wives may also look for mean or disrespectful comments as proof they aren’t loved, thereby also giving them an excuse not to have sex or be loving to him - since he doesn’t really love her. The payoff here is that you gets to behave badly (be unloving) and then blame the other person for it. This game will destroy your marriage if you don’t wake up and stop it. The good news is - You have the power to change your behavior! You can wake up and choose more accurate, loving, mature behavior. You may also want to take the free Fear Assessmenton my website. It will show you some of your subconscious behavior patterns on paper and this will be a good first step to discovering your subconscious patterns. Then, you can start by questioning why you are behaving the way you are. Why are you behaving this way? What are you afraid of? What is the behavior giving you? What is the payoff? How could you subconsciously see this bad behavior as a win? What is this behavior really going to create in your life? Is this what you really want? What do you really want? What kind of person do you want to be? What are the core values or principles you believe in and want to live by? Asking and answering these questions will get you started. Once you identify the behavior you can start watching for it and choosing something better. If you have a hard time seeing your negative behavior or knowing how to change it, you may want to get some professional help. You also need to work on your self-esteem and learn how to escape your subconscious fears. I have written many articles on this subject and you can find them all here on KSL.com. You can do this! Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness." She offers free coaching calls every Tuesday night. Question:
My husband is struggling at work and, frankly, everywhere else. He is constantly bothered by things people say and do. He is always afraid his performance isn’t good enough. His self-esteem isn’t good and he is almost always frustrated and offended by something. He seems to have lost himself and in some ways he is giving up. I don’t know if there is anything I can do to help him (or advice you could really give me) but I thought it worth a try. I’d do anything to see him happier. Answer: He has fallen into fear and drifting and doesn’t know how to get himself out. This happens to most of us at some point in our life. You may be in an unhappy marriage, but not doing much to change it or fix it. Instead you might be living around each other, carrying years of resentment and being slightly passive aggressive. You may be in fear at work, doing just enough to get by, but not going anywhere. You may be just generally unhappy with yourself and life, but can’t see a way to change it. I call this state — stuck in fear drifting. I got that term from Napoleon Hill and his amazing book "Outwitting the Devil." He says that drifters are the people who dwell in fear and neglect to use their minds to choose their way out. He explains that drifters let other people and situations influence their emotions and they mindlessly react to life with the same old patterns over and over. He claims that 98 percent of us fall into that category. “People who think for themselves never drift, while those who do little or no thinking for themselves are drifters. A drifter is one who permits himself to be influenced and controlled by circumstances outside of his own mind… A drifter accepts whatever life throws in his way without making a protest or putting up a fight. He doesn’t know what he wants from life and spends all of his time getting just that.” “People who think accurately do not drift on any subject. They recognize the power of their own minds. Moreover, they take over that power and yield it to no person or influence” says Hill. Everyone experiences hard times, failures, embarrassments and mistakes. They are part of the classroom of life, but drifters let those disappointments and failures stop them. They let the fear of failure (the fear of not being good enough) convince them it’s safer to stop trying, stretching and shooting high, that it’s safer to pull back and stay where you are. When you set your sights high you are usually disappointed and you could embarrass yourself. Take a minute and honestly assess if you are making plans and setting goals to get what you want out of life — or just drifting through? Napoleon Hill also wrote the famous book, "Think and Grow Rich," one of the bestsellers of all time. In this book he lays out his research on creating success in life. One of the amazing things he discovered interviewing the most successful people of his day was that all of them had experienced great failures and set-backs. Every one without exception had experienced discouraging losses. The difference was their “capacity to surmount failure without being discouraged.” This was “the chief asset of every man who attained outstanding success in any calling.” These people learned to use their minds to choose how they were going to experience those setbacks. They understood they had control over how those failures affected their value and what losses meant. They learned how to see themselves, other people and situations accurately (without fear of not being good enough in the way). They were people with defined purpose who set goals, believed in themselves and didn’t let any situation or person stop them. They understood the classroom of life gives you problems, but it also provides solutions. Hill said, “There is a solution for every legitimate problem no matter how difficult the problem may seem.” But the solution won’t just be handed to you. You are going to have to fight, work, learn and stretch to find it. The important point though is that it is there — and you are meant to find it. The universe doesn’t want you to stay stuck and unhappy — ever. It wants you to learn and grow and change your life. Answers and solutions to your problems are available right now! Here are some suggestions for breaking free from drifting:
If you are having trouble with how to choose them, you may want to find a coach or counselor to help you. I would also highly recommend reading Napoleon Hills books, "Outwitting the Devil" and "Think and Grow Rich." You can do this! Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book CHOOSING CLARITY: The Path to Fearlessness. She offers free coaching calls every Tuesday night. Question:
I’m seriously overwhelmed and discouraged. No matter how hard I work, the list of all the things I’m not doing or not doing good enough is longer than the list of things I do. I feel like I’m failing and can’t see light at the end of the tunnel. There are just not enough hours in the day, and I’m tired of feeling like a failure. Any advice for me? Answer: You are not alone on this one. Trying to do it all and perfectly should be our state motto. When you have internal pressure to be perfect along with unrealistic expectations about what you need to accomplish, discouragement, depression and low self-esteem are inevitable. Perfect isn’t possible, and you simply can’t do it all. Here are some suggestions that might help:
Napoleon Hill (author of "Outwitting the Devil”) said, “Human being are given complete control over nothing save the power to think their own thoughts.” I believe this is truth. When everything else feels out of control, you can control your thoughts. You can choose to feel peaceful, unburdened, safe, loved, valued and good enough. You also should work on your time management skills and get more organized, but without control over your fear-based thoughts that won’t be enough. You must choose your way out of fear. You might want to seek out a professional to help you learn how. Keep working on these principles and you can do it! Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "CHOOSING CLARITY: The Path to Fearlessness." She offers free coaching calls every Tuesday night. Question:
I was having a conversation with my ill husband yesterday about all the challenges in our life and feeling defeated. For the first time in my life ... I feel utterly defeated. How would you address this kind of despair with a non-religious person? Answer: I am so sorry that you have been dealt such a tough hand. I do have some advice and I know it can help, but is it going to require you to stretch a bit. The one thing you absolutely must know is that “despair is optional” even when things are really bad. You have the power to change how you feel about this situation. If you choose to claim that power. You don’t have to experience this situation in a negative, defeated and painful way — even though it seems logical and justified to do so. Despair, defeat and discouragement are choices and there are other options. (A lot of people are resistant to this idea, though. Every time I talk about this principle, someone leaves a comment saying Coach Kim obviously doesn’t “get it” because it’s not that easy.) I agree that it’s not necessarily easy, but it is possible. I could also tell you some of the difficult experiences I’ve been through to prove to you that I do “get it” but you may still not believe me. So, take it from Viktor Frankl who survived being a prisoner in concentration camps during World War II. He knows about suffering better than any of us, and he agrees with me. Frankl believed you could choose a positive mindset and find meaning in a situation, and that in choosing this you might literally suffer less. In his book, "A Man’s Search for Meaning," Frankl said to find this meaning you must figure out what your unique life challenges are asking of you. What are they here to teach you? How could they serve you, other people or the world? He said, “I can see beyond the misery of the situation to the potential for discovering a meaning behind it, and thus to turn an apparently meaningless suffering, into a genuine human achievement.” He continued, “There are no tragic, negative aspects which could not be, by the stand one takes to them, transmuted into positive accomplishments.” He believed that every challenge or trial could be turned into an accomplishment, by simply choosing a positive perspective around it. Let me give you an example. An old man was suffering with great depression because his wife had passed away leaving him alone. Dr. Frankl asked him what would have happened if he had been the one to die first, and his wife had been here alone. He replied that she would have suffered greatly. She would have been even more miserable than he was. Dr. Frankl then asked this man to imagine that he had volunteered to stay here on Earth alone, to spare his wife that suffering. Would that idea change how he felt about his situation? It did, because now there was purpose and meaning to his suffering. When it means something, it is easier to bear. I battle chronic pain on a daily basis. I choose to believe this pain is serving me, because it gives me empathy and helps me connect with other people. It makes me a better coach. You can choose to see your situation in a positive way, too. You can decide to let it shape your character and give you compassion. You can use it to make you stronger, wiser and more loving. You can use it to teach those around you how to be positive in spite of difficulties. Or you can choose depression and defeat. It is totally up to you. Please understand that making this choice is not about positive thinking or mind over matter — it’s about logic and common sense. If you get to choose your mindset and one option will make you more miserable, and the other less miserable, isn’t it just common sense to choose less misery? Whenever I find myself feeling defeated, I take a minute and let myself experience the feeling. Then I decide between two choices. I can continue to think “I can’t help feeling this way,” or I can replace it with, “I don’t have to feel this way.” Which mindset serves you more? Get out some paper and write down your mindset options. You could choose to be angry, defeated, bitter, jealous, depressed or hopeless. You could also choose to trust there is a reason this experience showed up in your life. You could choose to be determined, optimistic, loving, wise and resolute. Then, write down the results each mindset would create in your life. Then, decide who you want to be. Frankl would often ask his patients to imagine themselves at the end of their life looking back at this moment. “How do you want this next chapter to play out?” The answer is usually behavior you could be proud of. I know telling you to dig deeper inside yourself, choose a positive mindset and turn your struggles into a human achievement may not be what you wanted to hear, but you can do it. If it feels impossible, you may want to work with a counselor or coach to help you overcome the subconscious fears that are pulling you back into despair on a daily basis. The library is also full of books that teach you how to turn suffering into a positive, and the more positive material you expose yourself to, the easier it will become. You ought to read "Man’s Search for Meaning" if you haven’t read it. Hope this helps. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem. Question:
My husband has many serious health problems that developed after we got married, and this is taken a huge toll on me. I have to work, take care of our house and our three children basically by myself. I guess I have become disillusioned with what I thought life would be like for me. He complains constantly and I am always tired. It is getting hard for me to be very excited about life. I want the spouse I married, but now things are so different and I have at least 50-plus years to go. What can I do to enjoy life again and make it through this? Answer: Everyone who reads this article will relate to you on some level, because most people are disappointed with their lives and tired of the problems. So what can you do to experience more joy and peace, if you can’t change your situation? There is only one thing you can do. You can change your attitude about your situation by changing the way you see it. To see your current situation in a more positive way, you may have to change your policy on the purpose of your life. Take a minute and think about what you currently see as the purpose and point of your life. You may think life is about being successful, being wealthy, proving your value to God or raising the perfect kids. These are worthy goals, but they aren’t your real purpose for being here. You are primarily here to learn and grow. You are here to experience every aspect of the human condition and gain knowledge and empathy from these experiences. I believe every single thing that happens to you happens to serve your unique process of growing and learning. I believe your life is your perfect classroom. I do not believe in accidents. I believe that every situation in your life is a perfect part of your divine process of learning. I developed this philosophy when studying the work of Viktor Frankl, the author of "Man’s Search for Meaning." In a concentration camp during World War II, experiencing unimaginable suffering, he discovered that a person can, through changing his attitude, change the way he experiences suffering. He said, "Emotion, which is suffering, ceases to be suffering as soon as we form a clear and precise picture of it." You just need to see your situation in a different context. What if you are in this situation — with a sick husband — for a reason? What if it’s not bad luck that brought you here, but this situation was hand-created for your journey, because it would facilitate your growth? If there was a reason for your suffering, you might feel differently about it. I think this situation is helping you to become the person you are meant to be. I think it is forcing you to find out how strong you are. If life had given you a healthy husband, you would not be pushing yourself this hard and you would not be growing the way you are. On your own, you wouldn’t have stretched to become what this situation is forcing you to become. I am sorry that the universe signed you up for this particular struggle, because it is a really difficult one — but I truly believe you are where you are supposed to be, and this situation is serving you in some way. I believe some day you are going to be proud of yourself for surviving this and becoming a better and stronger person in the process. Frankl said, "I can see beyond the misery of the situation, to the potential for discovering a meaning behind it, and thus to turn apparently meaningless suffering into a genuine human achievement." He was talking about you. Your struggle is not meaningless, and it is creating opportuntites for amazing growth. I realize that this doesn’t make your days any easier to handle, though, so I would like to make one more suggestion: Take it one small moment at a time. Don’t focus on the weight of carrying this burden for the next 50-plus years today; that will crush you. Instead, focus on this moment and this moment only. Stay really present and let tomorrow, next month and next year go until you get there. Have you heard the joke about how to eat an elephant? (One small bite at a time.) That is how you must approach your life when it is this difficult. Just make it through this moment or this hour. Focus on what is in your control right now. You can carry the weight of this moment fine. It is the weight of all the moments piled together that gets too heavy. Do not borrow suffering from the future and let it ruin today. Do not let your thoughts get away from you. You have control over your thoughts. You can choose to focus on this moment and trust your future will be what it is meant to be, and you will handle it when you get there. If this is really difficult to do (because you are really good at fear and discouragement), you may need a coach or counselor to help. That may be the very best advice I could give you. There are amazing tricks to healthy thinking you have not had the chance to learn, which could make a big difference. I hope this helps. Hang in there! Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem. |
Visit https://linktr.ee/kimgiles and Claritypointcoaching.com FOR MORE FREE RESOURCES Coaching is less expensive than you think - If you need help we can find you a coach you can afford. Call Tiffany 801-201-8315 Categories
All
AuthorKimberly Giles is the president and founder of Claritypoint Life Coaching and 12 SHAPES INC. She is an author and professional speaker. She was named one of the top 20 advice gurus in the country by Good Morning America in 2010. She appears regularly on local and national TV and Radio. Archives
March 2022
|
Proudly powered by Weebly