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Question: My son really lacks self-confidence and is scared of everything. He has so much self-doubt I worry about him the rest of his life. What can I do as a parent to correct this and help him gain confidence and believe in himself more? Answer: I am so glad you asked this question because self-confidence is the most precious gift you can give your children. It is also the most important thing you must work on in yourself. A person’s self-worth drastically affects the quality of their marriage, their career and their general happiness in life. So, the first thing you must do to help your children is check your own self-esteem. Are you plagued by self-doubt? Do you compare yourself to others or talk out loud about how dumb you are, or express fears about being inadequate? If you do, you must stop. The most powerful way to instill confidence in your children is by example, and you can’t give what you don’t have. If you struggle with fear around not being good enough yourself, I strongly recommend you to get some professional help with it. Working with a counselor or coach who knows how to change the way you value yourself will make a huge difference for your whole family. You must also teach your family that life is a classroom (a place of learning and growing), not a test where your value is constantly on the line. You are “good enough” as you are right now, even though you are imperfect and struggling, because your value is not based in your performance, appearance, property or anything else. Your value comes from the fact that you are a one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable human soul made of love, for love and by love. No matter what life lessons you are currently experiencing, you have the same infinite value as everyone else and always will. Make these ideas something you talk about often in your family. When you embrace these principles and start living them, your children will follow your lead. Here are a couple other suggestions for raising confident kids:
You can do this.
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This was first published on ksl.com
Question: I have a daughter who gets frightened too easily and has terrible fears every night. Halloween is making the situation even worse. Do you have any advice on helping a child be less scared or how to help her when she is? Answer: Halloween is a great time to talk to children about scary things and dealing with fear. Here are a couple suggestions on how to do that:
You can do this. Question:
How do I stop being so shy and teach my children not to be so shy? I’m afraid of people and most situations and my children have picked up on this and are afraid too. Please help!!!! Answer: The good news is scientists have found the gene for shyness. They would have found it sooner but it was hiding behind some other genes. Just kidding. But I do have some good advice on this one. The first crucial step in helping someone change their behavior is making them feel unconditionally loved and accepted for who they are now. Make sure your child knows it’s OK to feel shy. It happens to everyone, and there is nothing wrong with him. There are actually some interesting advantages to being shy. Shy people are usually more polite and considerate to others. They tend to pay more attention to things, because they aren’t as busy talking. Shy people may create better friendships, because they go for quality, not quantity. Shy people can be better at working independently and solving problems on their own. They may also be smarter, because they think things through more before they act. Here are a few things you can do (and do with your children) to help you overcome fear of social interactions: When going somewhere new, talk to your child and prepare him ahead of time. Talk about the anxiety he might feel and what he might feel afraid of. Talk about ways he can cope with his fears and calm himself down. If you are the shy person, you can think these things through and even journal about them. Write out some options for handling situations you think may happen Plan some safe and successful social interactions. Plan lots of social events with familiar people as often as you can. This will build confidence for branching out to new settings with new people. Learn some more social skills. You may want to find a coach or counselor who can teach you some communication and relationship skills. Knowing exactly how to respond to different situations gives you a lot of confidence. Visualize using these skills, practice, and role play with them at home. Practice how you would introduce yourself and start conversations. These are things your children also need to learn, so share what you learn with them. Dale Carnegie’s book “How to Win Friends and Influence People” is a great book to teach you some of these skills. Carnegie recommends strategies like asking questions and letting other people do the majority of the talking. This makes people feel important and like you. Teaching children these techniques will empower them to handle social situations too. Model healthy social behaviors yourself. Shyness is a highly genetic trait. You must show your child good social skills by example. If you avoid social situations or are nervous around people, you are teaching your child to fear people. Get some professional help with your own self-esteem and people skills if necessary. Never criticize your child or embarrass them in public or around their peers. When they make a mistake, help them understand mistakes don't define them. We all make mistakes. They may have made a bad choice, but they are not a bad person. Mistakes are just lessons and nothing to be afraid of. Teach them to see life as a classroom (where we are learning, but our value isn’t in question) not a test (where everything counts on your grade). This one mind-set change will help a lot. Teach your child that what other people think of him doesn’t matter. People are usually not paying attention to others anyway. They are focused on themselves. Help him understand that other people’s opinions can’t change or hurt him. They don’t mean anything. Teach creative problem solving. Don’t solve problems for your child. Ask questions and empower him to figure out the answers on his own. Let your child change slowly. Change is a process and happens slowly, step by step. Help your child to set small goals and make a little progress each week. Let him decide what those goals might be. Encourage things like talking to one new person today. Visualization is a great way to practice social behavior. He can practice handling social situations differently in his head. Teach your child to practice in his mind until he is ready to try it for real. The best way to encourage another person to change is by encouragement. Tell your child often how confident and capable he is. If you tell him he is strong and brave, he will believe you. I would strongly recommend some coaching or counseling to help you overcome your social anxiety. It is an easy fix with a professional who knows how to help. After you get your fears under control, you will be able to teach your children a better way of feeling and responding to life. We also have lots of free resources on our website to help you overcome fear. They would really help too. You can do this. This was first published on KSL.COM
Question: My child did not have a good year last year in school and was so relieved when summer came. Now she is getting very anxious, even sick, about going back. She worries about handling the homework and about problems with friends. Is there anything I can do to help her start the year off right with less fear and anxiety? Answer: Here are some things you can do to lessen her anxiety:
Then, brainstorm on paper how she, and you, wants to show up in each of those roles. What kind of a sister does she want to be this year? What kind of a friend does she want to be? What kind of a student would she like to be? Have her write down specific details about how she would like to show up in each role. Also, have her write down some rules or policies that she wants to hold as truths this year. These could be commitments to a healthy way of thinking. Is she going to let the opinions of others crush her this year? Is she going to be in charge of her self-worth? Once she has a clear picture of who she wants to be, get a fresh piece of paper and have her write each statement in present tense, as if she already is them. For example:
This detailed description of the person she (or you) wants to be this year will become the measuring stick for making decisions and responding to situations. Deciding who want to be and how you want to act ahead of time will create self-worth and empower you to be your best. Encourage your daughter to keep this paper handy and read it daily. She may want to read it every morning to start the day off right. My adult clients read theirs 2 or 3 times a day, especially at first. I wrote another article a while back called Giving Kids Amazing Self Confidence. I also recommend you read it. If you would work on those 10 things, especially teaching the principles of truth about life being a classroom and her value being unchangeable, it would give your child a strong foundation to handle whatever happens. If your child suffers from more serious anxiety, I recommend this article by psychologist Karen Young. You may also want to find a local professional to work with her. Also, remember these challenges must be her perfect journey, and she is probably gaining strength and wisdom from them that will help her survive in life. You can't and aren't meant to save her from learning to process fear. Just keep teaching principles of truth, about life and her value, and she will be OK. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular life coach and speaker. This was first published on KSL.COM
Question: How can I teach my children to be kind? I have noticed a tendency to put down, gossip about, or find fault in others. I also have family members who love to judge others and do a lot of joking at others' expense. It's very upsetting to me. What can I do to encourage my family to be kinder? Answer: First, I want you to understand that we all have a subconscious tendency to see people in a negative light, which is at the heart of our unkindness (and our low self-esteem). We do it to ourselves and others. Without consciously realizing it, you automatically look for differences in everyone, and we are constantly trying to figure out where we fit and how we compare to others. This creates a subconscious tendency to focus on the bad in other people, because if you can find a reason to see them as worse than you, it makes you feel like the good guy, or better and safer (and you have less fear of failure). It doesn’t even matter what the criteria of comparison or division is; we latch onto anything that sets us apart. We look for any difference that makes us feel better, kinder, taller, richer, or more anything than the other people around us. We will even divide ourselves based on our preferences seeing Coke people as better than the Pepsi people, Mac people as smarter than PC people, or mayo people as better than Miracle Whip people. Then, we see these others, whether they cheer for the other college team or look different or act different from us, as the enemy. We also look for others, who are on our side, who validate our worth in their mutual hate for the enemy. Remember, we do this because if we can cast another group as the bad guys that makes us feel like the good guys. This fear-based tendency is the cause of most of the problems on the planet. Most of our wars, racism, prejudice, backbiting and bullying all come from our ego’s need to feel better than other people. This behavior is driven by a deep subconscious core fear of not being good enough that we all have to some degree. We create these divisions to give us a sense of self-worth and make us feel special. The problem is that though this behavior may make you feel better about yourself for a moment, it doesn't last. It doesn't produce real self-worth, and it is literally giving power to the idea that some people are better than others and you must prove your worth, which will create a lifetime of low self-esteem. If you watch human nature enough you will see low-self esteem and judging and criticizing others always go hand in hand. They create each other, and the more you do one, the more you get the other. The most important thing you must teach your children is that all human beings have the same intrinsic worth no matter what. We are all unique, divine, irreplaceable, infinitely valuable souls, fighting our way through the classroom of life, scared and struggling most of the time, doing the best we can with what we know. Because life is a classroom, not a test, our value isn't in question though. It is not on the line at all. Our value is infinite and absolute and does not change ever. You must teach your children to see every person on the planet as having the same intrinsic value they do. These people may be in very different classes and in a different place in their unique journey, but their value is the same. Teach your children (and adopt for yourself) this idea as a core belief and it will make your entire life better. You will have more compassion for others and better self-esteem. If you will work on establishing this idea as a core belief in your family and talk about it daily with your children, it will make a profound difference on their kindness. Also, watch for the tendency to compare and divide and use teaching moments to talk about truth and bring compassion to the situation. Here are a few other suggestions for teaching your children to see other people as the same as them:
You will do this even if it's not true. This is not lying, it is seeing the highest best in them before they are even demonstrating it. They have this goodness in their somewhere. This is about seeing the wonderful loving person they have a capacity to be and helping them to see it. You should only have to say this once or twice and this person will not gossip or be unkind to others in your presence again. They may stop gossiping completely. This will work because people want to live up to our highest opinion of them. If you see them as a kind person, they will want to be that. People are also more motivated to change themselves when you see good in them than they are when you point out their flaws or mistakes. This technique works with any kind of human behavior you want to change. Just sincerely compliment them in that area often, and you will project them with positivity in that direction. You can do this! Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular life coach and speaker. This was first published on KSL.COM
Question: I read your articles every week and I love the advice, but here goes my question? I've been with my husband for 10 years and we have one child together. I also have three from a previous marriage and he has four. My problem would be that all our fighting is about each other's kids. We don’t agree with the way the other one handles their children. He doesn’t discipline his well and I resent him for that. I’m practically raising our youngest alone, too, while he is overly focused on his daughter. We are always defending our kids and this is pulling us apart. If you could offer help on this, that would be great. Answer: I would love to give some advice on blending families, especially because 46 percent of marriages today create a step-family and these second or third marriages are much more challenging than we think. The divorce rate for second marriages, when both partners have children, is over 70 percent. These statistics are especially disturbing because most of these couples are unaware of the difficult challenge facing them when they wed. Studies have shown that 80 percent of couples entering a second marriage do nothing up front to prepare themselves for the complexities of the challenge. They think their love should be enough to get them through. But it isn’t. You must get educated about step-families if you are going to make it. I highly recommend getting some books about step-families, attending seminars and classes, or getting some professional help from a coach or counsellor. Things go much smoother when you know what you are doing and have a plan to deal with the inevitable challenges. I also recommend getting professional help at the first sign of trouble, don’t wait until everyone is deeply hurt. Here are some important realities regarding step-families and some tips for making yours work:
You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular life coach and speaker. This was first published on KSL.com
Question: I just found out that my teenage son is viewing pornography with his friends. I am so upset about this I can't sleep or eat, but I am really nervous about bringing it up because I'm pretty sure he will just deny it and get mad at me. Do you have any tips on how to handle a conversation about this the right way and how I can protect my son? Answer: First of all, don't put it off any longer. You must start having conversations about pornography with all your school-aged children and doing it often. Studies are showing that because of smartphones, children are being exposed to pornography as early as 7 years old at school. So, it must become a topic that is addressed often with all your kids.Read this KSL article to learn more. Second, don’t panic and react to this problem emotionally. When you react, you will always do so from a place of fear instead of love. It is very important (especially when dealing with your children) that your response be based in love and wisdom, not fear. I'd like to share with you a process (we teach our coaching clients) for finding the most appropriate response to any problem or situation. I think it would be helpful here.
Any response that is emotional and includes yelling at or berating someone is a fear-based response. Fear-based responses don't work, because they are selfish, disrespectful and focused on making you feel better, not giving your child what he needs. They also tend to cast the other person as a "bad person" or "less than" you, which will make them feel unloved and unvalued. Also, if you respond with fear, your child will miss the lesson completely, because all his attention will be on one thing only — the fact that he has a mean parent. You must choose a love-based response that keeps the focus on your child and the lesson. This response must come without judgment and make him feel loved and valued. Remember, your teen is not a bad person because he has been viewing pornorgraphy. He is a normal person who has been exposed to porn because of a very natural curiosity. What he needs is some education about why this could hurt him and his life down the road. Here are some of your options in this case: 1) You can let him know you are really disappointed in him and get quiet and cold towards him for a while, to get the point across, which will basically shame him. This is an immature, manipulative, fear-based response. Your cold shoulder will make it very clear that you see him as worse than you, and this kind of behavior will destroy any connection you had. It is also a selfish, disrespectful approach, which sends a message loud and clear that your love is conditional. 2) You can get angry, blow up, yell, take away privileges, lecture, or respond emotionally. This kind of response is, again, all about your fears. I know you are scared. You are afraid that your child will get into trouble, stray from the right path in life or become a bad person — and all of this would reflect badly on you. But if you make this about you and your fear, your child will resent you for it. This kind of response will again take the focus off the issue (that he is curious about sex and looking for answers) and again make it all about mean parents. You will also remain in the dark about what is really going on with your child, because this response creates a place where your child will not feel comfortable talking to you about his thoughts and feelings and why this happened in the first place. The other problem with taking away privileges and punishing him is that it won’t stop the behavior. If he wants to look at pornography, he will have many opportunities to do so when you aren’t around. So trying to force good behavior won’t really work. You must handle this in a way that will help him decide this behavior isn’t right for himself so he won’t do it, even when you aren’t there. 3) You could have a mutually validating conversation with him. If you don't know how to do this, there is aworksheet on my website that explains the steps. Basically this is a conversation where both parties end up feeling valued, respected and heard. Before you have this conversation, you must check your fears at the door and make sure your focus is on listening and validating him first. You must also make a conscious decision to see him as the same as you — a struggling, scared but divine, amazing human being in process, learning and growing every day. You must not come from a place of judgment and see him as less than you. You must give him permission to be human, make mistakes and be less than perfect and still deserve your love and respect. Then, you must spend some time asking questions and listening to him (as much as he will talk to you). You can learn important things about your child when you create a safe space where they can share their real thoughts with you. To do this you must come from a place without judgment and listen more than you talk. You must ask questions about what he thinks and feels about porn and his experiences with it, and just listen. You must make sure the number one goal of this conversation is making sure he knows you love him unconditionally, value him and think he is an amazing and good person. The secondary goal will be sharing your thoughts about porn and why it's a problem. But you must put love and understanding first or it won't work. You might ask him questions about his curiosity and let him know that is normal. You can ask him what he thinks about porn and why it might be dangerous. Ask if he understands how it could affect his relationships later in life. The more questions you ask — which give him the opportunity to express exactly what you were going to tell him anyway — the better. After you have really listened to him and he feels loved, you could ask if he would be open to hearing your concerns about porn. You can explain why you don’t view it, how it can change the way you see girls and why that's a problem, how it creates unrealistic expectations around sex and can even become addictive. This is your chance to share your values and why you have decided to live the way you do. There is a great blog post about the long-term effects of pornography that may help you understand what to teach your child. You must help your son see why he should not want to view pornography. You cannot protect him because you will not always be around. He has to understand the dangers and decide to protect himself. I realize that the love-based approach I described above requires a great deal of maturity, wisdom, love and compassion — but you can do it. You can set aside your fears around this and talk to him from love. If you do this, he may handle it better than you think. If he does react in anger, understand it is his shame and pain talking. Let it go and don't take it personally. It's not about you. Just keep telling him you love him no matter what, believe in him, and are here if he ever wants to talk. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a life coach and speaker. Question:
My daughter is angry, difficult and unmotivated. She has been breaking rules and I suspect she is making some really bad choices when she is away from home. I hate that I have no relationship with her except to try to enforce rules because she won’t talk to me. Every interaction with her is strained right now, and I don’t know how to change this and get my sweet daughter back. Answer: She is still your sweet daughter, she is just scared and in pain. When someone is functioning from fear and pain, they often aren't very nice and get defensive easy. It also sounds like you have reached the stage where she is doing whatever she wants, so the days of trying to control her are over. The more you try to control her, the more she will pull away from you emotionally. What works at this stage is to become a “side by side” partner in figuring life out with your teen. But the key to creating this connection is to respect them, trust them and give them a heavy dose of unconditional love and appreciation. If you can do these things, she will let you be a partner and even talk to you. Shefali Tsabary, author of "The Conscious Parent," says, “If our teens are failing at school or are unmotivated, it’s because they are trying to tell us something is wrong … if you respond with control or dogmatism, you will only push them further away. The less rigid you are with them, the more likely they are to maintain a relationship with you. If you are overbearing and possessive, this will only serve to catapult them further into negative behavior. … At this point we have to remove ourselves from any illusion we can control their life. The only way to gain access to them is through rebuilding our lost connection.” Rebuilding your connection is going to happen through acceptance, trust, respect and unconditional love. You must accept her as she is right now. This is not about accepting her behavior, it is about accepting her as a human being as she is, where she is. You must set aside your expectations for how you wanted her to be and show her that who she is now — is good enough for you. You must show that her bad behavior doesn’t scare you, because you know she is gold inside and will figure the rest out in time. Acceptance means focusing on your child’s intrinsic qualities more than on her performance. This may mean you get to learn how to be in awe of every human soul and their goodness, potential and intrinsic value, more than you ever have before. We are all one-of-a-kind, powerful, unique, irreplaceable, amazing, divine, infinitely valuable beings even if we are not acting like one right now. You are truly lucky to have this amazing soul in your life. She is in your life to teach you lessons and she deserves your admiration, appreciation, love and acceptance as much as you or any other person on the planet does. Shefali Tsabary recommends saying things like: You amaze me. I'm so lucky to be your parent. I am in awe of who you are. I am amazed by your spirit and spunk. Your capacity for kindness and fun are so beautiful. Your ability to imagine is extraordinary. You have greatness in you, kid. You are a special person. I see such huge potential in your future because of your strength and fire, or quiet mindfulness, or interesting creative ideas. Whatever your child has inside them (as far as qualities and attributes) make sure you see them and praise them often. Don’t worry about results or performance at this point. If you focus on helping her see and accept her own goodness and value, the accomplishments will follow eventually, but without some acceptance and appreciation for who she is now, she can’t and won’t have the confidence to achieve. You can still talk about performance in terms of what she learned from each experience and might do better next time, but make sure she understands her performance isn't tied to her value. You must also trust God and the universe that your child is safe in this journey, as are you. Life is a classroom, and though the journey may be a rough one and your child may suffer and learn some things the hard way, in the big real end, everything is going to be OK. When you trust God and the universe about this, you will have less fear and more connection. You must also trust your teen to make good choices (even if you have some fear that they won’t.) You must do this because if they can feel you don’t trust them, it further damages their self-worth and your connection with them. It's always better to trust and be wrong than to distrust and be wrong. When she feels you trust her ability to make it in life, she is more likely to want to live up to your belief in her. If she feels you don’t trust her to make it, she is more likely to live up to that too. (If they have proven you can't trust them, you still have no control, so telling them you trust them anyway won't hurt and it may motivate or inspire them.) You must respect your teen. This means honoring their right to choose their own path and be their own person. It means listening more than you talk and actually respecting how they think and feel. It means biting your tongue and asking permission before you give advice or make suggestions. It means creating a safe place where they can talk to you about anything. If this is hard for you to do, you may need to get some professional help to work on your own fears first. Remember respect is a two-way street, and if you want to get it you must give it. Unconditional love is what they need most. Your daughter needs to feel that you are on her side regardless of her performance, grades, appearance or religious standing. They must feel unconditionally loved where they are right now. What most parents don’t realize is that a deep fear of inadequacy is the real problem with most kids, and the cure is not criticism or punishment for bad behavior (that was only a cry for help anyway). They need boundaries but they also need to feel your unconditional love, admiration, respect and trust because this helps them to feel their intrinsic worth, which will patch up the real issue that caused the bad behavior to begin with. Here are seven important things you can do to help your child at any age:
You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a coach and speaker. This article was first published on KSL.com
Question: I have a preteen who is struggling with school and I want to learn how to better communicate with him so we can have peace and love in our relationship now and in the coming years. I realize that I get upset when he doesn't get his work done because I have a fear of him failing and of not being a good parent. What else can I do to stop reacting badly when I get triggered? What else can I do to build a more peaceful relationship with him? Answer: There are four things you must do to get your reacting (temper, panic and anxiety) under control so you can be a better parent.
Understand that you have fears around failure and loss that trigger you and produce reactive bad behavior — and you would be dealing with these issues whether your child was in your life or not. This means your child cannot be blamed for your anger, frustration, anxiety and fear of looking bad or losing control. Your emotions and bad behavior (which do show up when your child triggers you) are not really about them. These situations with your child are just showing you your issues so you can work on them. Tsabary said, “Through our children we get orchestra seats to the complex theatrics of our own immaturity. They awaken our unresolved emotional issues from our childhood. Nevertheless, because our children are vulnerable and mostly powerless, we feel free to blame them for our reactivity.” We must stop doing this and grow up, which leads us to the next step…
Whenever someone attacks or offends you, you get to decide is it a cut through water, which is immediately gone, a cut through sand, which might be gone by tomorrow, or a cut through stone, which will be there for decades. I recommend being water. Learning to live with calm acceptance of situations, lovingly and calmly working through emotions to create what you want, without attachment to the outcome, because you trust the process of life — this will create the mature, loving, peaceful relationship you want with your son. Just keep working on controlling yourself. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular coach and speaker. This article was first published on KSL.COM
Question: We have a daughter that we are struggling with. She is independent and stubborn and she rebels against everything we say. She has also rejected our religion, which causes us great heartache, and she is very disrespectful. We are really at a loss at what else to do to control her and wondered if you had any advice? Do you ever work with wayward teens or young adults? Answer: I do recommend coaching for some teens, but it is usually much more effective to get the parents in coaching. You (the parents) are the ones who have the power to change the relationship with your child. You are the only one who can. My advice to you is to work on these three things: 1) Seeing your parenting job in a new way; 2) not trying to control and instead work to connect with your child; and 3) work on being more conscious — less scared and more loving. I will explain each of these in detail. Seeing your parenting job in a new way is the first step to changing this relationship. You must remember that you are here in the classroom of life to learn and love — and you and your child are both the students and the teachers here. You will teach your child many important things, but she will probably teach you more than you will ever teach her. In my favorite parenting book “The Conscious Parent” by Shefali Tsabary, he says, “It’s my experience that the relationship between parent and child exists for the primary purpose of the parent's transformation, and only secondary for the raising of the child.” This idea completely changed the way I parent. Your children will be your greatest teachers and you must start seeing them this way, if you are going to repair your relationship. Your children are your greatest teachers because: 1) They have the ability to trigger your two core fears better than anyone else. When your child behaves badly, it triggers your fear of failure as a parent (looking bad) and your fear of loss (losing them). No one can scare you as well as your children, and your behavior is its worst when you are scared. It is really a beautiful thing to have these little people around you day and night who can so effectively trigger your fears and give you so many opportunities to practice growing up, trusting God, letting go of your attachments, your need for control and your need for approval. Isn’t that an amazing gift? 2) They have picked up most of your fears and bad habits and when they act out, they are usually mirroring back to you your own behavior or subconscious anger or pain. This gives you the opportunity to see it and become more conscious of why you carry that anger and pain. Have you noticed that you always struggle most with the child who is most like you? This is because they are showing you what you need to work on and it bothers you. Tsabary says, “The inappropriate behavior of your children is a call to increased consciousness on your part” This child is in your life to help you grow, learn and overcome your shortcomings and fears. If you see your daughter as your teacher, it will change everything. You will be more focused on changing you (the one thing you have control over) instead of trying to control her. I promise this will help. Stop trying to control and instead work to connect with your child. I think the biggest problem in most families is that they are parenting from a place of ego, control, force, fear and neediness. (If you are doing this it is because it’s what you learned from your parents.) Your parents were probably afraid and suffering from self-esteem and anger issues, and because of this they parented with a top down style. Top down means having an "I am the boss, I have the power and the control, and you must meet my expectations and do what I say … or else" kind of attitude. Ego-driven parents are mainly focused on getting the behavior they need from their children. They need the children to make them look good and feel a sense of safety and control. (Can you own some of this in yourself?) Imagine trying to create a relationship with a friend or co-worker from this space. Do you think they would like you? Or would they rebel and push against being treated this way? Of course they would. The oppressed and controlled always rebel. Tsabary says if you want to connect with your child you must set aside any sense of superiority over them, let go of your expectations about how they should behave, stop trying to control them, and make your number one job being aware of your ego and fear, get it under control, and choose love toward your child. I find it helps to remember that I am not really in charge of this child and their education - God is. He is also good at this job and doesn’t need me to control or force anyone. He just wants me to learn, serve and love. This does not mean being overly permissive though. You must still have boundaries and discipline in your parenting, but you must enforce them from a place of trust, love, mutual respect and understanding, not from a place of force, control or ego. You can do this by listening, honoring and respecting your child more. This is how connection happens. You must honor their unique essence, their ideas and feelings. You must ask questions and create a safe place (without judgment or fear) where they can share what they are experiencing and talk through those experiences. You could even occupy a space that says “How about we look at life and the options it presents and figure out what makes the most sense as far as your choices, and do it together?” I once asked my son if he would be honest with me about behavior I suspected was happening. He said, I can do that mom, if you can promise me you can handle the truth without freaking out (reacting from your fear). He was asking me if I could set my stuff aside and not make his choices about me. Could I really show up for him and talk about what he was experiencing without fear and judgment in the mix? Could I keep this about him, support and love? If you want a real connection with your daughter, you must stop trying to control her. You must put all your effort into unconditional love and connection with her. You are both struggling students in the classroom of life, with much more to learn. You must not squelch her spirit or her self-worth with disapproval and control. You can still set limits and have rules in your home, but you must enforce them with open, honest, calm, loving, rational conversations. There is a worksheet on my website for Mutually Validating Conversations that might help you learn to do this. Work on being more conscious — less scared and more loving. Tsabary said, “To parent consciously we have to become astute observers of our own behavior when we are with our children.” I have found a very simple way to do this. Understand that there are really only two options, In every moment you are in one of two places:
If you show up in love energy people will feel safe with you, respect and honor you, be drawn to you and want to be around you. This is the kind of energy you want in your relationship with your child, one of mutual validation, concern, respect and love. You can create this kind of relationship but it must be earned through love-based behavior, it cannot be demanded. Tsabary says, "While you believe your most important challenge is to raise your children well, there is a more important task you must attend to, which is the foundation of effective parenting. This task is to raise yourself into the most awakened and present individual you can be.” This is going to take some work — but you can do it. Click here to learn about the book "The Conscious Parent." Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a coach and speaker. |
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AuthorKimberly Giles is the president and founder of Claritypoint Life Coaching and 12 SHAPES INC. She is an author and professional speaker. She was named one of the top 20 advice gurus in the country by Good Morning America in 2010. She appears regularly on local and national TV and Radio. Archives
March 2022
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