This was first published on KSL.com
After 25 years in the personal development industry, it is my strongly held belief that every human being on the planet struggles with the fear that they might not be good enough, to some degree, every day. One of the common ways we humans counter that fear is by seeking attention and validation from other people. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it can come across as needy and insecure and may cause other people to lose respect for us. It is not the behavior of a strong, confident, balanced person who feels secure about and knows who they are, which is truly who we want to be. Here are some common behaviors that are signs that you may need some attention or validation from others: Attention-seeking behaviors Talking about yourself — a lot When someone tells a story about something they have done, you feel the need to tell your story — especially if it's a better story. We all do this on occasion, but if you do it often it can be annoying. Instead, try to catch yourself and quietly decide you know your story and that's enough; you don't need to tell it and can allow the other person to shine here. When you feel a need to talk a great deal about your accomplishments or experiences, this can also signal a need for attention or validation. Sharing what you've done isn't necessarily bad, but doing it often because you need the validation that comes when you are listened to could be a sign that you have a self-esteem problem. When you feel the desire to tell about an experience, just pause and ask yourself why you want to talk about this out loud. Do you really need to? There is an amazing feeling of strength and wisdom that comes when you have the power to not need to talk about yourself and your accomplishments. Correcting others When someone says or does something that isn't accurate or right, you feel the need to correct them and say, "Actually that's not right. The truth is….". Again, this behavior might not be a problem if it happens only rarely; but if you do it all the time, it could come from a subconscious need to feel smarter or more knowledgeable than other people. When you correct others, you feel better than others and safer in the world. Instead, practice allowing other people to be wrong sometimes. Does it really matter if they don't have their facts right? Would it do any harm to let this be and walk away? Do you really have to say something? Why? Gossiping Do you judge other people and gossip about them? Gossip is actually a sign of low self-esteem or the need to see yourself as better than or above others. Your ego thinks if it can point out ways that other people are worse than you, that makes you better and validates your worth. The truth is, though the ego gets a little boost from judging other people, you will also see yourself as flawed and unworthy as often as you judge others. Instead, catch your desire to comment on others' flaws and choose to practice seeing the goodness in them. This will help you to see your own goodness. Using social media for attention Do you post attention or validation-seeking things on social media like "having a terrible day over here" or "worst week ever!" hoping others will ask what's wrong? Maybe you're hoping they will at least leave positive, loving comments. The desire to post anything about our lives on social media is, at some level, based on the need to get attention, so we all do this one. But, do you need to post pictures of everything you do on social media? Instead, could you pause and ask yourself why you want to share this picture with the world? Is it inspiring, helpful, interesting or educational? Would friends and family really enjoy seeing this, or is your desire to post about looking cool or getting attention? Just ask yourself, on occasion, if you could just have this experience without the need to show it off. Discussing your feelings too much Do you need to mention how you are feeling and/or what you think about most situations? Sometimes wanting to talk about what you are feeling or thinking is healthy; but if you do it almost constantly, you may need the validation that comes when other people listen to you. If you have the desire to share a thought, pause and ask yourself why you want or need to share it out loud. What would happen if you just kept this one to yourself? Would you survive and be OK if you didn't talk about it? Sometimes you need to share in order to process ideas or emotions; other times you need attention. Which is this one? A need to look good Excessively stressing over your outfit and how you look can be a sign of neediness for validation. Do you have to look really good when you see people because you are afraid you aren't good enough and need the validation that comes from knowing you look amazing? I am not saying there is anything wrong with trying to look your best; it's only a problem if you are stressing and in fear about it because you believe your worth as a person is at stake. Instead, get cleaned up and find a good outfit. But understand that no matter how you look, you have the same value as every other human being. There is nothing gained by looking better than anyone else. Go out there are get them with your love instead. Giving in hopes of gaining recognition Doing something nice for another person and needing others to know about it. Instead, when you do an act of service consider doing it in secret and no letting anyone know. Then you will know you are truly doing it for the other person, not for the sense of validation. Working on your self-esteem Again, none of the above behaviors is inherently bad. But if they happen a lot, they are a sign of a fear of failure (self-esteem) problem that prevents you from being the highest, best you. Being more consciously aware of the ways you are behaving and why can help you to choose behavior that is love-motivated, not fear-motivated, which is more aligned with the person you want to be. I wrote an article in March about how to improve your self-esteem in healthy ways. It would be worth reading. Practice those tips to lessen your fear of failure. Then start pausing before you say or do something. Ask yourself: What is motivating or driving this behavior? Why do I need to say this? What would happen if I didn't say or do this? With time and practice, you can show up as someone who doesn't need anything from others — someone who has more to give. You can do this.
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This was first published on KSL.com
Question: I read your forgiveness article last week and had a question. I am a survivor of parental alienation due to a narcissistic ex-spouse. The pain, loss and despair is so acute that it's challenging to "forgive" this person, who intentionally manipulates the kids to hate me. How do you forgive someone who has hurt you and your children so badly and continues to? Do I really need to forgive them? Answer: No, you don't have to forgive people who have badly hurt you, and you definitely shouldn't trust them again or be in a relationship with them. Having said that, at some point you might decide you want to forgive them because it is taking precious energy to hold onto anger and angst, and it's creating a less than positive energy to live your life in. But, forgiveness is definitely more complicated and a longer process in serious situations like yours. I read a comment recently from Shannon Thomas, a licensed clinical social worker who is an expert in psychological abuse. Thomas explained that if you try to release someone who has deeply hurt you from accountability for their actions, it could be harmful or even derail your healing process. In an article for Thrive Global, Thomas said, "When the topic of forgiveness arises, many emotions are triggered for survivors of abuse. ... The traditional definition of forgiveness involves telling the abuser he or she is released from the responsibility for the damage they have caused. This action is absolutely not helpful within an abusive environment. Toxic people must hold responsibility for their actions." The bottom line is the people who hurt you will always be responsible for the pain and hurt they caused, and it's never going to be OK. They can be forgiven, though, if you define forgiveness thus: the process of letting go of the hurt, pain, hate and anger that holds you captive around an offense and causes you further suffering. The bottom line is the people who hurt you will always be responsible for the pain and hurt they caused, and it's never going to be OK. They can be forgiven, though, if you define forgiveness thus: the process of letting go of the hurt, pain, hate and anger that holds you captive around an offense and causes you further suffering. Forgiveness is not about pardoning the guilty; it is not about saying it's OK that they hurt you. Forgiveness is about choosing not to live in an energy of hate and angst toward this person anymore because it diminishes the quality of your life. Forgiveness is a process of changing your perspective (thoughts and feelings) about a person or situation so you don't allow it to bring any negative energy or dark feelings into your life anymore. But in a really hurtful situation, it is a process that could take some time. You might need time to feel and experience your very justified feelings of hate, grief and loss — that is perfectly OK and even necessary. There are also some benefits in staying angry that you might not be ready to let go. Eventually, you will reach a point where you don't want the dark feelings around this in your life anymore. That's when you will know you are ready to shift your perspective and move toward forgiveness. The jail cell analogy In difficult situations, I believe the trick for forgiving lies in first forgiving God, the universe, and life for bringing this situation into your journey and not sparing you from it. It is logical to have anger and resentment toward God and life in general for a really difficult situation. But, if you can forgive God and your life for allowing this to happen, you will feel less pain and anger. You may reach a point where you can give the whole situation over to God and the universe and let them carry it from here. Work toward trusting a higher power to handle the justice, guilt and punishments, because it knows everything and loves everyone involved. It will likely take a while and some practice before you are ready, and that's OK too. There is a powerful visualization exercise you could try, where you imagine a jail and placing the person who hurt you into a cell and locking them up for a long sentence. Take some time to determine the sentence you believe they deserve. Pronounce them guilty as charged and picture them locked into the cell. It should feel good because they deserve to spend time in jail for what they did. Then, imagine yourself realizing that in order to keep them in jail, you have to stay there in the jail, too, as the warden. That is how this prison works. If you want them to serve time in jail, you have to stay too. You are not locked in a cell, but you are not allowed to leave because it is your condemnation that must keep them there. Do you really want to spend days, months or years in that prison making sure this person is punished? Or would you like to eventually let go of the need to condemn this person, hand the keys over to God, and walk away? That is your other option. Decide if you are willing to give up your happiness in order to see this person punished, or if you would rather hand the keys to God and the universe and trust them to handle the justice. Forgiveness is for you If you choose forgiveness, you don't have to spend any more time thinking about how guilty the person is anymore. You are now free. You can choose to trust that this entire situation is serving your growth at some level, and you are becoming better for it. You can choose to set aside all the hate, anger, and pain and walk away clean, choosing to have a life full of acceptance, joy, peace and positivity instead. Colleen Sheehy Orme, a relationship columnist said, "Is there an irony in forgiving the narcissist? Absolutely. Because the narcissist isn't capable of it (forgiveness) themselves. It's their anger that exposes them. It's what enrages them ... They are incapable of letting go of anything they perceive as causing them pain." You deserve to live differently and in a better way. We cannot allow ourselves to fall into the same exact trap of not letting go of what is causing us pain, and letting that pain take from the quality of our lives. We must decide — at some point when we are ready — to let it go. I am not saying it is easy, but I am saying that you deserve the peace that comes from letting your anger, angst, pain and hate go. Let the person be who and what they are. Let the things they did, be what they did. But take control of the effects those actions have on your life long term. That is in your control. You decide whether you dwell in feelings of anger today. You decide if feelings of hate overwhelm you today. Decide to live each day in the warmth and light of love, forgiveness, acceptance, trust and peace, despite these hard things that have happened. This will be a choice you make moment by moment, again and again, but you can do it. This was first published on ksl.com
SALT LAKE CITY — I recently heard someone say some people and some wrongs do not deserve forgiveness because they are so bad. If the people who committed these wrongs won't be responsible for them, admit they were wrong and apologize, then you should hang onto your anger toward them, as it will protect you from further mistreatment. I wanted to address this because I believe forgiveness is one of the most important lessons we learn in life. I believe your happiness and your self-esteem largely depend on your ability to forgive — but I also realize it's sometimes hard to do. If you are struggling with anger, resentment or pain around an offense, there are some things you can do to process the experience in a productive way and get to a place of forgiveness sooner. But, this is a high-level process that may require some stretching of your current beliefs. It's also important to keep in mind that forgiveness doesn't mean you need to trust the other person, let them mistreat you further, or have them in your life again. It may be wisest to forgive them from afar. Forgiveness is something you do for yourself, so you can have more peace; it is not really about the other person. Here is a procedure for working toward forgiveness when it's hard: 1. Start journaling Write about the pain, resentment, and anger you currently feel toward this person. Describe the reasons this person deserves condemnation and to be judged as guilty. Describe the treatment you think they deserve from you. At this point, allow your ego to vent and be true to its most hateful or upset feelings. 2. Claim your power to choose how you will think and feel You get to choose all your thoughts and beliefs about your life, human value, this person and the situation. You have the power to create any experience around it that you want to have. You may need to process through many different emotions until you are ready for the forgiveness process. You are entitled to feel angry, hurt, betrayed and upset for as long as you need to. What emotions have you chosen to experience so far? What emotions would you like to have around this long term? Write them down. 3. Dive deeper into your feelings and predictions Write about what you get — what the benefits are — in staying angry and not forgiving this person. Write about what you are afraid might happen if you forgive them. What fears and concerns make it feel safer to stay angry? Write what you are afraid will happen if you stay angry. What is the cost in your own life, of carrying this resentment, anger and judgment forward? 4. Understand forgiveness vs. trust Forgiveness is not about forgoing justice or pardoning a guilty person for what they did. If you try to do it that way it will never work. The dictionary says to forgive means: "to cease feeling resentment against (an offender)." Forgiveness is about changing your perspective and feelings so you suffer less pain. Write about why this is true for you. Identify the difference between trusting this person again and forgiving them. You can forgive them and still not keep them in your life, but it is important to make that decision from a place of love for yourself, not a place of hate or anger toward them. Write down what those two options look and feel like so you are clear on the difference. Write about the boundaries you might set out of love for yourself. 5. 'You get what you give' This is one of my universal laws, a concept that means if you give judgment, condemnation and hate, and label others as guilty and unworthy because of their mistakes, you will also feel judged, condemned, hated, guilty and unworthy yourself. If you struggle to forgive others, you will likely also struggle to forgive yourself. The way you judge others is inseparably tied to how you feel about yourself. If you want to fully love and accept yourself despite your mistakes, you must work on allowing the flawed people around you to have the same intrinsic value as everyone else despite their mistakes (again, this doesn't mean you will trust them or have them in your life). The more you work on developing love and compassion toward these difficult people and see their value as the same as yours, the easier it will be to love yourself 6. Believe in the classroom of life This means to trust the universe is always working in your favor to educate you and help you grow. You can choose to believe no person has the power to ruin your journey or derail the life you should have had and that you can learn something valuable from this experience. At some level, this offense can serve you if you choose to use it that way. Take the time to write down 10 positives that this offense experience has created in your life. How has it made you stronger, wiser or more loving? Another way to allow the experience to serve you is to play with the belief that everything you experience in your life can teach you to love yourself and others at a deeper level. Play with the idea that you are just experiencing the perfect classroom journey for you to grow in wisdom, strength and love. If you choose to see this offense as your perfect classroom journey, how does that change your feelings about the offending person? 7. Choose to see your value as infinite and unchangeable Your value is infinite and absolute, and nothing you or anyone else does can change it. You will always have the same value as every other human being. When you believe this, it is easier to take a hurtful experience and choose not to be deeply hurt by it. How would that change the way you feel about the offense? Again, this is a high-level forgiveness process. Considering the severity of the mistreatment you have experienced, it might take a while before you are ready for it. I find this process serves people best after they have allowed themselves to be angry and grieve for a while. If you feel resistant to the steps, it might not be the right time for you, and that's OK too. Be compassionate to yourself and you will work this through it right on time and in the way you need. You can do this. SALT LAKE CITY — A lack of confidence can make you too quiet and shy, or it can make you competitive and loud. It can make you prone to gossip about and judge others. It can also create unhealthy relationships where you are dependent on others to make you feel valued.
So what may lead someone to have low self-esteem and how could they feel better about themselves? Low self-esteem happens when you battle a deep subconscious belief that you aren't good enough, and many people have this belief at some level. If you want to eliminate these problems and finally feel better about yourself, you first must understand the root causes of your low self-esteem. The following are some possible reasons your self-esteem might be low:
Work on changing your belief that human value can change The whole idea that human value can be earned and lost is belief; it's not fact. There is no universal system that determines the value of human beings. The way you see human value is just your perspective, born of subconscious beliefs and life experiences. This means you can change your system to determine the value of human beings any time you want. You can decide to believe that all human beings have the same intrinsic worth and that value cannot change, no matter their appearance, performance, property or anything else. There is nothing you can do to have more value than other humans and there is nothing you can do to diminish your value and have less worth than any other human soul. Commit to making this belief your truth. Give unchanging, infinite value to everyone around you In order to truly change your fundamental belief around how human value is determined, you must give up the judgment of others completely. You must allow everyone around you to have the same value as you. You must allow them to make mistakes and still be good enough. You must allow them to be scared, struggling and divine students in the classroom of life with much more to learn, just like you. The more you do this and give unchanging intrinsic value to others, the more you will feel it for yourself. (I am not saying you must have these people in your life though. You can and should love abusive people from afar. Still extend forgiveness and compassion toward them, but maintain healthy boundaries at the same time. You will find that allowing them to be who they are and still seeing them as worthy of the same intrinsic value as the rest of us will help you to more fully love and accept yourself.) Use the people you dislike to help you learn to love yourself Take a minute and write down the names of the people you dislike, judge or who bother you. These people are in your life as special teachers to show you the limits of your love. You are a very loving person until it comes to these people. An important practice you can do to improve your own self-esteem is to work on loving the people you most dislike. Work on seeing them as having the same infinite, intrinsic worth and as being worthy of love, even though they are flawed, broken, scared or behaving badly. Work on feeling God's love for them if you cannot summon any in yourself. Understand that your ability to see them as good enough reflects your ability to see yourself as good enough. (Again, this doesn't mean you have to have them in your life. You can do all this from afar.) Choose to forgive yourself for your insecurity and other faults We all have faults, weaknesses and fears. It's called being human. These faults don't change your value at all. You have the same intrinsic worth as every other human on the planet and you can't do anything to change that. Completely let go of comparing human beings There will never be two human beings who get the same genes, the same upbringing, the same experiences, the same wiring and the same life lessons. We are all on our unique classroom journey here and these journeys are incomparable. This means any comparison is going to be a waste of your time and energy. There is no better or worse in human beings, only different people having a different journey. There are better and worse appearances, behavior and performances, of course, but these don't affect your intrinsic value. They play into our extrinsic value and they create different classroom experiences, but no matter which experiences you are having, your intrinsic value is the same. I have spent over 30 years in personal development. We have tried everything under the sun to improve self-esteem, and most of it never worked. The only thing I have seen create real change is adjusting the fundamental, subconscious belief you have about how human value is determined. Because you are changing your belief at the fundamental level, you are changing the lens you see the world through, and this changes everything. You can teach this belief system to your children and make it the language used in your home. When someone makes a mistake, remind them that didn't change their value. When they win the soccer game (or lose it) remind them it didn't change their value. Over and over talk about how our mistakes create classroom experiences, but our intrinsic value doesn't change. Notice your dislike of some people and recognize they are teachers who can help you learn to love yourself. As you gain compassion and work on giving them infinite value, you will be giving it to yourself. The more you work on this, the more bulletproof, confident and secure you will feel. But it's a process and will take time and commitment. Start playing with the idea today and I promise it will change how you feel about yourself. You can do this. This was first published on KSL.com
I work with many couples who are struggling to get along, handle conflict and feel safe with each other. When they tell me about the disagreements they have, I can always see some simple questions they could have asked that might have stopped the fight before it started. It might help you apply this article to yourself if you could think back to a specific fight or conflict you have had in the past and replay it in your mind. Then imagine what might have happened if you had tried the suggestions below. Conflict usually begins when someone says or does something that makes the other person feel insulted, criticized, taken from or disregarded. I call this the triggering incident. When these incidents happen, the other person then feels they must defend or protect themselves, and they often respond with a defensive response or counterattack. The best time to stop a fight is right when the triggering incident happens — before you get defensive or make a counterattack. But it is difficult to stop and think clearly when you have just been offended. Stopping at the triggering point is going to take some practice and some battling with your ego — because your ego always wants to react defensively or attack back. Your ego shows up to protect you any time there is a perceived threat, but it's important to remember your ego is fear-driven and not capable of love-driven behavior. If you let your ego respond from fear, you are always going to make the situation worse. The other thing to keep in mind is that most triggering incidents are unintentional and driven by our own fears. When people feel unsafe they behave selfishly and carelessly, and most of the time it isn't really about you at all. So here are some questions to ask yourself that will help you pause, get out of ego, get more information and respond to triggering events in a more mature, balanced way: What am I feeling? The moment a triggering incident happens, walk away, close your eyes, ask for a minute to get your head clear, or just pause and pay attention to what's happening inside yourself. What are you feeling? How did that trigger make you feel? Don't stop asking questions here, though. You don't want to let your ego make these emotions bigger. Before you start ruminating about the offense, ask some more questions. Am I applying meaning to what was said or done? For example, maybe you're thinking: "My spouse making that comment means they don't care about me at all." Does it really mean that? Take the meaning away and just look at the content of the comment or action alone. How am I perceiving this? Ask yourself: Is there any way that I am hearing or perceiving this to be malicious while it wasn't meant that way? Do I have a tendency to feel insulted or taken from easily? This could mean I see offenses when they aren't really there; own it if this might be true. You may want to ask the other person about their intent. Did they mean that to sound critical or judgmental, or is that just the way you are hearing it? Give them a chance to explain their intent. Ask this from a place of really wanting to understand the other person, not from a place of judgment where you are talking down to them. Was it malicious? Ask yourself: Do I think this person purposefully wants to hurt or offend me? Is there malice in their actions and do they intend harm? Or, do they love me and just say or do thoughtless things because they aren't paying attention? What is going on with your partner at this moment? Are they tired, hungry, distracted or experiencing fear that might keep their focus on themselves? Could there be another reason they did this triggering behavior, one that isn't even about you and has no malice in it? What do I want to happen? Ask yourself: What do I want this day or night to look like? What kind of experience would I like to have with my partner today? Are there reactions to this triggering incident that will create what I want and others that would totally destroy what I want? Consciously choose a response that will create what you want. How often does this happen? Ask yourself: Is this kind of offense something that is happening often? Is the behavior creating fear about this relationship not working long term? Is that scaring me? If it is, then you must address the behavior, but you must do that the right way and at the right time. Think about the best time and place to have this sensitive conversation. Then, make sure when the right time comes, you ask the other person if they are open to having a heartfelt conversation about the relationship. Get their buy-in to do this. Let them know that your intention here is to make the relationship stronger, not poke holes in it. You are not mad at them, and this isn't about attacking each other; it's about understanding each other better. Let them know you love them and give them some validation around all the things they do right. Start the conversation by asking them questions about how they feel the relationship is going. Is there anything that concerns them or scares them? Is there anything you could do to show up for them better? Spend time here listening to understand them, how they see things and how they feel. Honor and respect their right to think and feel the way they do. Ask lots of questions and stay here until they feel heard and understood. If you do this right, you will probably learn some things about your partner you didn't know. Then, ask permission to share something that has been creating a little fear in you. Ask if they would be willing to listen and not get defensive, reiterating that your intent here is to strengthen the relationship and understand each other better. Remind them that you love them, then explain the behaviors that are triggering you using "I" statements. Try phrases like "I feel," "when I hear this I experience this," "in my opinion," and "from my perspective." Try to avoid "you" statements that feel like an attack. Tell them that when they say or do these things it triggers some fear in you and explain what your fears are. Own the fact that your reactions may be more about events in your past than they are about your partner in the present. Talk it through while staying focused on mutual understanding, respect and a desire to know each other better. The people closest to you typically don't mean to intentionally offend you or put you down on purpose, but it does happen. If they intentionally meant harm, there are a couple of places it can go from there:
You can do this. This was first published on ksl.com
One of the most common people problems that companies bring me to solve is office drama that has gotten out of hand. The problems often start with two co-workers who can't get along, who finagle the rest of the office to take sides. Sometimes just one gossip-prone person who likes to stir the pot can ruin the atmosphere for the whole office. Your first responsibility at work is to make sure you aren't the problem. If you are a person who often dislikes co-workers, gets bothered or offended easily, or feels the need to voice complaints to whoever will listen, you might be the problem in your office and this kind of behavior will absolutely hold you back in your career. Here are some ways you can deal with office drama going on around you and make sure you aren't the problem: Refuse to participate in gossip Don't gossip about your co-workers even if it feels justified and you really need to vent. Find someone outside the office with whom you can voice your frustrations. It is OK to dislike someone, but it is not OK for you to talk about that at work or encourage others to dislike them too. Practice compassion for any co-worker you dislike and understand they are doing the best they can with what they know. Stop and get some clarity before you react to anything Your immediate reaction to most situations will not be clear-headed. Calm down and take some time to determine the outcome you really want and the response most likely to create that outcome. If you need to respond, do so calmly and respectfully. Give people the benefit of the doubt You don't need to immediately assume negative intent. Most offenses aren't intentional or done with malice. Strive to be hard to offend. Avoid people who start or spread ill-will If someone in the office is prone to gossip or drama, stay away from them or walk away when it starts. This could make adversarial co-workers turn on you, but that's better than being part of the problem. Higher-ups can usually see who is causing the problems, and it won't be you. Ignore most bad behavior If it is a problem you can't ignore, have a mutually validating, private, kind, respectful conversation to address it. But for the most part, try to let most things roll off. Don't take sides If people are closing ranks around two co-workers, refuse to join either side. Encourage compassion toward all involved. See everyone as having the same value Everyone has the same infinite value on a unique classroom journey. Let them be where they are and hold back judgment. You have no idea what has happened in their life to create the place they are in now. Assume they are wounded too and that all involved deserve compassion. Set boundaries Do not allow others to disparage, disregard or mistreat you, but hold these boundaries the right way with respectful conversation or by taking the problem to the right superior. Quietly document inappropriate behavior if necessary. Don't react negatively to negativity If you hear people are talking negatively about you, don't negatively react. This is a chance to either learn something and grow or practice knowing it doesn't matter what others say. If the negativity continues and needs to be addressed, have a private, respectful, conversation. But most of the time, just working on being the best you is the best response. 'When they go low ... go high' Follow former First Lady Michelle Obama's advice: "When they go low, we go high." Keep taking the high road and showing compassion, maturity and respect to everyone, regardless of how low they go. Remember: what other people do and say doesn't change your value Another's dislike of you or the things you do doesn't change who you are. You are more bulletproof than you realize. They may try to ruin your reputation, but your best defense is to live so no one would believe them. If a conversation becomes necessary, make sure you do it right Find the right time, in private, and start by asking questions about how they feel and listening to them fully. Let them have room to fully share their point of view and honor and respect their right to that perspective. Then ask if they would be willing to let you share your perspective and do it without being disrespectful or harsh. Know ahead of time what changes in behavior you are going to ask for moving forward. Ask if they would be willing to handle things that way in the future. Take stock of your own behavior We all must watch ourselves for inappropriate behavior at work. Watch for your ego's need to talk about other people or complain, and then choose to stay quiet. Strive to be a person who builds co-workers up, encourages them, and has compassion for their struggles instead of tearing them down. If you are stuck in a job where inappropriate behavior and office drama abounds, consider recommending some people-skills training or executive coaching for the whole office to the higher-ups. If solutions still aren't coming, update your resume and start looking for a healthier workplace. You can do this. This was first published on KSL.com
Believing your own views are right is a troublesome tendency that we each must watch out for. It shows up as an overattachment to our own ideas and opinions and the tendency to see other perspectives as wrong. When you get overattached to your opinion, you also tend to look for reinforcement confirming that you are right. It's called confirmation bias and you are drawn to shows, articles and books that confirm your current opinion over things that challenge it. You subconsciously seek this confirmation because it has a positive effect on your self-esteem. Feeling like you are right doesn't actually increase your value; it just temporarily makes your ego feel better than other people whom you see as wrong. If people struggle to see value in themselves, they often seek what I call "group self-esteem." They align themselves with a group of people who see themselves as superior to another group, and because they are a member of this superior group they get a little self-esteem boost. The temporary benefits But again, thinking you are right is only a temporary ego boost because being right doesn't actually give you more value than the people on the other side. Many people believe their ideas, opinions and beliefs do make them the "good guys" and more valuable than people with different views and beliefs. You can see this happening all around us. People need to believe that their opinions make them better than others for two reasons: 1. They need the self-esteem boost that comes from feeling superior to others This often happens when they don't get enough self-esteem from their appearance or performance. So, taking a strong stand on their views becomes their "thing" that sets them apart and makes them feel valuable. These people will talk about and share their views liberally because it reinforces their sense of value. They are overly committed to being right because it makes them feel better. 2. They get a sense of safety from their strong opinions and ideas Feeling sure about their views gives them a sense of solid ground to stand on. Their opinions and views can make them feel in control and provide some stability. Beliefs can create our sense of security in the world; the problem is that when we rely too heavily on our opinions for security, we can become stubborn and stop learning, growing or experiencing people and ideas outside of those views. The drawbacks There are some benefits to being overcommitted to being right, but there are also some troublesome consequences from being this way. Here are a few of them: 1. You only see life from your own perspective You cannot help seeing the world through your own lens — a lens that was created from all your past experiences and knowledge. Yours is a very unique lens, too, because no other person on the planet will ever have your upbringing, your family, and your life experiences. You are literally the only one who can see life through your lens. This is important to understand because your lens is also not accurate. It is all you know and can see, so it feels accurate, but it is — and will always be — just your perspective. There is an infinite number of other perspectives from which things look totally different. This is why any number of witnesses can watch the same event and see it very differently. This is why witness testimony can be unreliable. People always see the world through their skewed lens. Recognizing this and understanding that all you can ever see is your own skewed opinion, perspective, and views means being open to honoring and respecting other people's right to see the world from their perspective. It is also all they can see, and from their perspective things will look very different from yours. There is great wisdom and compassion to be gained when we step out of judgment and our need to be right and experience, listen to and learn from other people's perspectives. If you only watch your perspective's news program and read books that support what you already believe is the truth, you will miss out on the richness of the human experience and all its diversity. 2. You don't learn anything A funny thing happens when you think you're right in your opinions and views: You stop asking questions and you stop learning. You subconsciously believe you know all there is to know, so you don't care what else is out there. It is only when you are willing to question what you know, and are truly open to being wrong, that you can learn. Wise people know that the more you learn, the more you understand you have more to learn. There are always going to be more questions than answers. Being willing to question your views and knowledge makes you intelligent, a perpetual student, and ensures you're always growing. True wisdom is always questioning what you think you know. 3. You don't connect with people If you are overly committed to your own opinions, you will miss opportunities to connect with other people — primarily because they won't share their perspectives with you. They can feel that you aren't open and don't provide a safe place to share, so they will keep their views to themselves. There are billions of amazing humans out there with interesting stories and experiences, many that are beyond your ability to comprehend. Because you have never experienced life in their shoes, you don't know what they know. The more different they are from you, the harder it can be to cross the divide and connect with them; but when you do, you grow in incalculable ways. This is why people say travel to faraway places changes you. Taking time to get to know people, who are vastly different from you and honoring and respecting their right to their views — even if their views bother or offend you — will help you gain compassion and wisdom. Spending all your time with people who agree with you gets you nowhere. 4. You don't experience love at the highest level I personally believe — though I am open to being wrong about all of this — that differences are a perfect part of our life's journey because they stretch our ability to love others and ourselves. Differences trigger fears in us and push us out of our comfort zones. Think about some people in your life that you have a hard time loving or even liking. What are the differences that create these feelings? For some reason, your subconscious mind that has decided these behaviors in these people make them unworthy of love at some level. The problem with letting these feelings go unchecked is that as long as you see their faults as making them unworthy of love, you will also see your own faults — though they may be different ones — as making you unworthy of love. You literally cannot love yourself except as you love your neighbor. If you stay in judgment of them, you will also stay in judgment of yourself. If you want to truly love and accept yourself, you must work on seeing every other human being as equal in value and worthy of compassion. You may never understand their perspective or behavior, but you know that's because you cannot see the world through their lens. Being open to understanding and learning from other people takes you to a higher level of love and creates a wiser, more open and beautiful way of living. But you cannot get there if you are stuck in your need to be right about your current views. Opinions vs. morals and values I also want to say that opinions and views as I have addressed them in this article are different from your morals and values. Morals and values are beautiful choices you make about the rules you want to guide your behavior choices. They are still made from your perspective, but they are the consciously chosen systems to live by. What you want to avoid is pushing your value systems onto others — because they have the right to choose their own — and being closed off to changing your values as you grow and learn. You could choose to stay open and question everything including your values, your views, and your opinions, and constantly measure them against love. There are so many dimensions to the human experience, and nothing is ever fully black and white, but love for yourself and other people may be a good measure in choosing values that create positive things in your life. These are, of course, just my perspective and ideas, but I do like the results that are created in my life when I choose to see life as a classroom — purposefully designed to stretch my compassion and ability to love. I also appreciate the comments to my articles that challenge my ideas and premises and I am always open to being wrong. You can do this. This was first published on KSL.com
We often get so caught up surviving day to day and working down the never-ending to-do list that we forget to relish being alive. You might want to pick one of these things each week and work on it. Here are some ways to make your life more amazing: 1. Let go of what other people think about you and your choices You will live in a prison if you make your choices around what other people think. Ask yourself: How could I allow myself to be more true to me and claim the right to live my life? 2. Start fresh every day Let the past and mistakes from yesterday float away as water under the bridge. They can provide lessons, but they are nothing beyond that. You get a fresh slate every day and the chance to be a new you. Practice giving this to yourself every morning. 3. Stop putting off what you really want to do Life goes by fast; just ask an older person. You can't wait to start living later. What can you do today to live big now? Stop saving your favorite outfit. Buy those shoes. Plan the trip you really want to take. 4. Create a long bucket list I recommend to my clients to not stop until there are over 150 things on their bucket list. This way they have to start crossing things off; there are too many items to wait to get started. 5. Don't judge or gossip Allow every human you meet to be on their unique journey, learning lessons just for them, with the same infinite value as the rest of us. Don't waste time or energy comparing or putting them down to lift yourself up. The more you choose compassion and allow them to be on an equal plane as yourself, the better you will feel about yourself. 6. Forgive everyone — including yourself Make forgiveness a way of life. Life is too short to hold on to anger. Mistakes are lessons in your classroom journey. That's all. They don't affect our value; human intrinsic value can't change. Also, remember your ability to forgive others is usually tied to your ability to forgive yourself. 7. Distance yourself from negative people and relationships Don't waste precious hanging onto people who are dishonest, critical or don't add value to your life. You don't have to dislike these people; you just love them ... from afar. Life's too short to let other people take your joy. 8. Help other people Helping others feels great. Spearhead a humanitarian cause or find a way to volunteer. You get what you give in the world, and the universe will reward you when you serve others. 9. Meet new people and make new friends Try to connect with a new person every day. Everywhere you go there are amazing people who could enrich your life. Watch the caliber of people you hang out with. Raise the bar and meet people who are living their best lives. It will inspire you. 10. Travel and try new things Nothing broadens your understanding of yourself and life more than travel. Go somewhere new — even if it's somewhere close by — and meet the people there, eat new foods, and have an adventure. 11. Declutter and minimize Decide not to make life about things, but having experiences. Get rid of everything that doesn't bring you happiness. Clean your closets and see how little you really need to be happy. 12. Keep learning Always be open to new ideas and being wrong. Add to your bucket list all the things you'd like to learn and start knocking them off the list, even one a month. 13. Give more than you receive The idea here is to give more value than you receive in everything you do. Blessings and good fortune follow when you give more and work harder than others. 14. Live in the moment When you spend "now" worrying about the future, you miss experiences and people that are important today. Be present and don't miss what's in front of you. 15. Let go of your expectations A lot of the suffering we experience comes from resisting what is. Set goals and intentions, then stay in trust that however things end up, you can learn something from it. Allow the universe to flow and take you places on occasion. Be open to being surprised by something even better than you would have asked for. 16. Have more fun Let your inner child come out and jump in puddles, walk on curbs, jump cracks, and play whenever you get the chance. Laugh and find things that light your spark. 17. Live in gratitude Be grateful for everything you have and all the problems you don't have; both of these are important to note. 18. Don't let fear stop you from doing anything Recognize when you are holding back for a fear reason. Make a list of all the love-motivated reasons to do this thing. Choose to always make a love-motivated choice rather than a fear-driven one 19. Value experiences over things Save your money for a trip over buying a new car or other expensive item. Give experiences as gifts and spend time with the people you love instead of buying them things. 20. Be yourself and find your joy Spend some time alone in a place where you can let go of social expectations and just have fun. Make lists of things that make you happy and light you up. Make time to do these things even if — or especially if — others think they are dumb or pointless or that you aren't good at them. What did you like to do as a kid? What activities make you feel fully alive? Make time to bring these into your life in a bigger way. Be true to your beliefs and values, even if others won't approve. You only get one shot at life and you can't live it for other people. Make a list of things you might be doing to please others or society. Double-check if these things really work for you and are consistent with your value system. Do you dress a certain way because it's socially acceptable? Does it bring you joy? What other changes could you make to live on your own terms? Be committed to creating some joy every day, even it's a few minutes to watch something funny and laugh. Be in charge of your happiness and responsible for bringing joy into your life every day. You can do this. This was first published on KSL.com
Question: About a year ago I found out my spouse had not only been looking at inappropriate things online, but she has also been leaving comments on posts and videos of other men. It has completely destroyed me. I feel betrayed. I feel like I'm not good enough. She, of course, says that it meant nothing to her. But when I try and tell her how much it has hurt me, she doesn't get it. We have been fighting over this for over a year, and the only way to stop fighting is for me to just act like I am over it. I AM NOT OVER IT! In fact, I'm still sick about it. But the more I think about it, the more I think that maybe I am the one overreacting over it. I'm so lost and confused. ... Can you please help me? She did delete the app she was doing it on, but I feel like the damage is done and I don't know how to move forward. Answer: I'd like to address your question by giving you a procedure you can use whenever you get offended or have a fight or a problem with anyone in your life. This is especially helpful when trust has been broken and you don't feel emotionally safe with your partner. In a situation like this, you only have two options in response. It is very important that you understand the consequences of each option and make a conscious decision about which is right for you. If you don't make a conscious decision, your brain will make a subconscious decision by reacting and you will probably make the situation worse, not better. Here are your two options: 1. Respond from a place of fear Understand that you cannot show up in love and fear at the same time. If you choose fear, your love goes out the window and your focus is on protecting yourself. This means your behavior will be selfish. You will not do or say things that show love and compassion for the other person; you will say and do things that make you feel safer. The other person will feel the selfish energy around what you say, and they will likely not feel safe or loved by you. They will then focus on protecting themselves, too, and they won't be loving toward you. If you both show up in fear often, no one will be giving any love and it's less likely that the relationship will work. 2. Respond from a place of love This means you choose to respond with love toward yourself and the other person. You can only access your love and respond this way if you have first chosen to trust that you are safe. You will need to trust that the universe is on your side, that your value can't change, and that you cannot be "not good enough." This will help you have the capacity to choose to show love, compassion and forgiveness to the other person. When you respond with love, you can choose to allow the other person to make mistakes and still be worthy of your love because you want the same grace for your mistakes. You can forgive their past behavior completely, seeing it as just a lesson for both of you and not part of who they are. Choosing to forgive and love the other person is likely to make them love you more and create the best outcome. How to respond from a place of love Having said that, the love option isn't easy to choose; fear is a lot easier. Fear comes naturally with no effort whatsoever. Choosing love and forgiving the other person can feel much harder, but there are some things you can do to make it easier.
It's important to note there are some situations when the loving thing to do is love yourself enough to leave. If you truly believe the other person has no intention of changing or improving, you might feel leaving is the best thing for you. Only you are entitled to know if and when you have reached this point. Trust your heart and you will know. This is also a love-motivated choice, not a fear-motivated choice. You may also want to work with a coach or counselor on your self-esteem. Work on letting all human beings have the exact same intrinsic value as you and giving up judging other people and seeing them as less than you. This is the secret to feeling more worthy and loveable yourself. If you see faults and mistakes in others as making them less, bad or unworthy, your own faults and mistakes will also make you feel less, bad and unworthy. If you let every other human make mistakes and still be worthy of love, you will start to see that you are too. You can do this. This was first published on KSL.com
Most couples say the words "I love you" on a regular basis, but often they don't really mean it. They might just say "I love you" out of habit or because they want to look like a loving spouse even if aren't acting like it. In the latter case, they are quick to find fault, be annoyed, or criticize the other. There is fighting and defensiveness on a regular basis, and the crux of the problem is usually that they don't feel safe and aren't sure that their partner truly loves them. I challenge you to commit to loving your partner more fully by understanding what it really means when you say "I love you." Those three words are not a state that you are magically either "in" or "not in." They don't represent a feeling you have for someone; they represent a choice and a commitment. Loving another person is a choice you make over and over, every day. It might be more powerful and keep us more accountable if instead of saying "I love you," we said: "I choose to actively love you." Then, we would be reminded that loving someone involves behavior way beyond having fond feelings for them. Love is something you do, not just something you feel. Feeling love toward someone is easy, actually loving them is hard work. If you read this article or send it to your spouse, please do not make it about pointing out the areas where you think your partner is weak or lacking. Focus instead on where you can improve your own behavior and show up with real love for your partner. Also, I am not suggesting that you must do all these things perfectly. That is not possible for any of us. However, this is a good standard to work toward, and any effort in this direction will improve your relationship. When you say 'I love you,' it means … I actively see you As your partner, I see the parts of you few people get to see — both the good and the bad. No one else will know you at the level I do. You have flaws and faults, because we all do, but I choose to see the good, valuable, worthy and even amazing parts as who you are. I choose to see your intrinsic value and that it cannot change. I see the divine, true, loving parts of you and show you every day that I see you. I choose to admire you You don't have to be perfect to have my admiration. I choose, every day, to admire your efforts, your values, your work, your good qualities, and the way you show up and keep trying even when you're struggling. I choose to focus on the best qualities you have, not your faults, because that is what real love does. I choose to accept you as you are I choose to love who you really are, with your strengths, talents and habits that I admire, as well as your weaknesses, faults, mistakes and habits that drive me crazy. I accept that you don't think like me or behave like I do. You don't see the world the way I see it. You are wired differently than I am and value different things, but I accept you this way. I do not think you need to change to earn my love. You just need to be who you are. I choose to be here for you I choose to support you, cheer for you, listen to you and do whatever I can to make your life better and happier. I don't carry responsibility for your happiness (that is your job) but I will show up and be there to help wherever I can. I do things for you and am your biggest fan. I choose to respect you I respect and honor your right to be where you are in your classroom journey. I respect your right to think and feel the way you do, to experience and live the way you do. When you are upset (even if I don't get it) I honor and respect your right to have the feelings you have. I never purposefully talk down, insult or degrade you in any way. I speak kindly and never make you feel small, broken or messed up. If I get bothered with you, I talk to you in a respectful way (like I would to a peer or friend). I may not do this perfectly, but I am committed to the effort. I choose to trust you This means I give you the benefit of the doubt, let most of your mistakes go, and always assume the best of you. When you disregard me, I assume it was not intentional. I choose to trust that you love me. This is critical to making our relationship work. If I see unloving behavior in you, I assume it comes your fears about yourself. I talk to you about this from a place of love and compassion. I know that I only have two choices when trust is broken. I can choose distrust, which will doom the relationship and drive a wedge between us, or I can choose to trust you, which will give us a chance. I choose to trust you. I choose to trust that if you don't love me anymore you will speak up and tell me that. I won't expect you to stay in this relationship if you no longer choose to love me. Until you say those words, I will trust that you do love me and mean what the words say. I choose to listen to you I may not always do this perfectly because I get caught up in my own agenda sometimes, but I choose to work at being a good listener and trying to truly understand you. I strive to give you my attention and care about what you think and feel. I know this is a critical part of a good relationship and I choose to be a partner that can set their ideas and opinions aside and listen. If you ever feel I am not listening, kindly ask me if I would be willing to listen and I will remember my commitment. I am honest and authentic with you I tell you the truth, even when it is hard. I am true to myself and allow you to really know the real me. If I make a mistake, I own it and get help if I need it. I do not hide things from you or lie about what I am doing. I am an open book and allow you to know the real me on every level. I choose to forgive you We both make mistakes and will, on occasion, hurt each other. I choose to forgive you and allow you to be an imperfect, struggling, scared, human in process, just like me. When you mistreat me, forget to think about me, or miss things, because you were focused on yourself, I choose to forgive you. I choose this in advance. We will mistreat and disregard each other; it's going to happen. When it does, I will talk about my feelings and then forgive you. I commit to letting the past go and always giving you the chance to do better. I have written many articles on forgiving your spouse because it is so critical to the relationship. Click here to read some of them. It's important to note here that you should never allow any kind of abuse. If abusive behavior is happening, that person doesn't love you. You don't emotionally or physically hurt someone you love. Seek some help and support immediately. I am loyal to you I don't need romantic attention from other people. You are my person. I think about how I can make you feel admired, respected, appreciated and wanted every single day. Showing you my loyalty is a priority in my life and I don't do things that would hurt or harm you. I take responsibility for myself, for you I won't make you responsible for my self-esteem or happiness. I don't blame you if I am unhappy with myself or life. Those are my responsibilities. I own the responsibility for my thoughts and actions. If I have issues or choose behaviors that hurt you, I will be responsible and seek help to fix them. I will not look for faults in you to justify my bad behavior. You won't ever love your partner perfectly. You will both make mistakes and mistreat each other, but if you keep coming back to showing up in these ways and love each other at this level, you will create a pretty wonderful relationship. You may want to read this article on a regular basis to keep your commitment to love fresh in your mind. You can do this. |
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AuthorKimberly Giles is the president and founder of Claritypoint Life Coaching and 12 SHAPES INC. She is an author and professional speaker. She was named one of the top 20 advice gurus in the country by Good Morning America in 2010. She appears regularly on local and national TV and Radio. Archives
March 2022
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