LIFEadvice: Dealing with a difficult leader

Question:

When I read a recent KSL article about a school superintendent berating and threatening employees, it sounded very familiar. I am also working for a leader who intimidates and threatens employees and uses fear to motivate us. How does one deal with this type of leader and how can someone be sure they aren’t this type of leader?

Answer:

There are basically two types of leaders: Those who function in fear about their own value and can therefore only focus on themselves, and those who are secure about who they are and can therefore focus on the needs of others. I call these fear-motivated leaders or love-motivated leaders. (FYI: Parents are also leaders and fall into these same two categories.)

It sounds like the superintendent you read about may be a fear-motivated leader. Anyone who needs to threaten and intimidate employees (or children) to control their behavior is not secure about who they are. Their focus is on protecting and promoting themselves and making themselves look good. They are coming from a place of ego, and they often use intimidation to control and manipulate other people.

If you want to be love-motivated leader (or parent) you should:

• Understand that your value is not on the line. You have nothing to prove and you are good enough right now. Knowing that your value is safe makes it easier to focus on serving other people.

• Choose to empower people instead of scolding, threatening or forcing. Choose to be a cheerleader who inspires his or her team to achieve great things. Say things like, “Don’t do it for me, do it for you," and be supportive when other people win.

• Get respect because you give respect. People will care what you think and say if you care what they think and say. Validate, honor and respect every person’s right to his opinion. You don’t have to agree with everyone, but you must respect their right to think the way they do.

• Inspire people to feel responsible, confident, powerful and free. You do this by empowering them to solve their own problems instead of solving problems for them. You do this by letting people own more responsibility.
• Trust people to do what they are assigned to do and show them you believe in them.
• Treat others with respect and kindness.
• Be flexible and create an environment where people feel safe.

Leaders and parents who strive to lead with love create teams and families with integrity. This means that team or family members do the right things, even when the leader or parent isn’t watching. They also create loyalty and cooperation, which makes everything run smoother.

If you are currently working for a fear-motivated leader, here are a couple of suggestions that may help:

1) Make sure you are seeing this person accurately.

• Understand that most of his or her bad behavior is caused by the fear of not being good enough. The problem is not about you.

• Most of the bad behavior of a fear-motivated leader is a request for validation. When he screams and yells about other people's performance, it is because he feels unsafe or threatened in some way. This situation may make him look bad or embarrass him. Just understand why they behave the way they do.

• Try to see this person as the same as you, a struggling human being in the process of growing and learning. He is not better than you, so don’t let him intimidate you. He is not worse than you, so don’t spend time making him the bad guy. See his value (as a human being) as the same as yours. This brings compassion, strength and wisdom into the situation.

2) Don’t take anything he says or does personally.

3) Validate him as often as possible. This makes him feel safe with you. Be kind and respectful and stay in control of your emotions and reactions. The more mature and wise you behave, the better.

4) Document everything. Quietly keep track of unethical, immoral or manipulative behavior. Write everything down. Hopefully, a right moment will show up when you’ll be glad you did.

5) Say as little as possible. When you do need to speak, ask lots of questions and listen to him first, then choose your words carefully. Don’t put this person on the defensive.

6) When he does behave like a love-motivated leader, be sure to notice, thank him and let him know how much you appreciate it. This will encourage good behavior in the future.

You may also want to update your resume.

Good luck. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing self esteem and restoring hope.