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Question: I have made so many mistakes and I can’t repair the damage of my bad choices. My self-esteem is awful because I can’t forgive myself. How can I let these mistakes go when the reality of what I did is so bad? The fact is my value (especially in the eyes of other people) is forever affected by my choices. I know you say that my divine value is infinite, but what good is that if everyone sees me as a bad person? Answer: It will only make a difference if you believe it does. I believe you are not the sum of your past decisions and your value isn't affected by your mistakes. But these ideas have no power unless you decide they are truth for you. Trust me. You can see yourself and your life in a new way that will lessen the pain you are experiencing, and your changing your mindset may affect the way others see you. Self-forgiveness is extremely important because it impacts the amount of love you have to give to others now. Here are my five secrets to forgiving your past mistakes:
I know it may see difficult right now to take control and change your mindset around your past — but you can do it with work and practice. (If it seems too hard you may want to seek some professional help.) Gary Zukav, who wrote "Seat of the Soul," said, “By choosing your thoughts and by selecting which emotional currents you will release and which you will reinforce, you determine the quality of your light. You determine the effects that you will have upon others and the nature of the experiences of your life.” You can do this.
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This was first published on KSL.com
Question: My husband and I have been married for almost 30 years and we are now empty nesters. I thought by now we would be enjoying our relationship more than ever, but that is not the case. He is being treated by our family doctor for some minor depression, but it doesn't seem to be helping and he refuses to see a psychiatrist or even a psychologist. He literally is refusing to do anything and is just unhappy all the time. I am truly at my wits end. I want him to get better and be happy but he seems to want to stay unhappy. Do you have any advice? Answer: I have written other articles addressing depression, so I’m not going to do that in this one. I do highly recommend that anyone suffering from depression get professional help with it. I’m not sure if your husband is battling chemical depression from your letter, but I’m going to assume, in this case, that there are other contributing factors to his unhappiness, things which he could have some control over. There are three main reasons that people create unhappiness either consciously or subconsciously, which are not related to depression. When someone is not interested in getting help, or is still unhappy after getting help, one of these three causes of unhappiness might also be in play. Here are the three mains causes of unhappiness (they show up to some degree in everyone):
The truth for most of us is that our unhappiness is self-inflicted. What I mean is most of the time being unhappy is an option, but it isn’t your only option. You could choose a trusting, peaceful, optimistic happy mindset in this moment if you wanted to. (Obviously I am not talking about chemical depression or times when a loved one dies or other difficult challenges befall you. I am talking about in your normal day-to-day life.) I learned this truth from studying the work of Viktor Frankl, who survived the Jewish concentration camps in World War II and wrote the book “Man’s Search for Meaning.” He found that even in the most difficult circumstances he had the power (the last of the human freedoms, he called it) to choose his attitude. I believe this is truth, and understanding this principle is the first step to experiencing or creating more happiness in your life. No matter how bad today is, you have the power to overcome these three causes of unhappiness and choose gratitude, trust, love, optimism and even joy. Here are some suggestions that might help you choose more happiness:
This is a personal decision each person must make by and for themselves in every moment. You cannot push your husband into happiness. He must want it and choose it. See if he would be open to reading this article and even more importantly see if he would be open to getting some help. Most of us need a little professional guidance to get control of our subconscious programs and change ourselves — but he can do it and you can too. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a coach and speaker. This article was first published on ksl.com
Question: I have noticed lately that I’m really needy when it comes to attention and validation. I think I use social media for this too. I crave posting things that will bring in the “likes” and make other people jealous of my life. I am fishing for compliments. I also find myself showing off or saying things that I know will make whoever I’m with like me. I know that I shouldn’t need this attention, but I do. I just wondered if you have any advice to help me stop needing this kind of validation all the time. Answer: I think it is awesome that you are aware enough to see what you are doing. I think most of us are unconscious approval addicts and we aren’t aware of the things we do to try to get it. Most of us have been seeking approval since childhood, and it has become a big part of our subconscious programming. We honestly believe our value as human beings is determined by our appearance, performance and what other people think of us. This seeking for approval and validation usually backfires, though. The more you try to get approval from others, the less respect they have for you. Understand, it isn’t a problem to enjoy some external validation, it’s only a problem if you need it to feel worth. It’s a problem if you can’t accurately determine your own value on your own. Here is a list of things you might do (without consciously realizing it) to get validation, attention or approval. See if any of them sound familiar. Honestly ask yourself the following questions to see if you are an approval addict Do you:
You must understand that a need for external approval comes from a deep insecurity about your value, and it is going to create misery in your life if you don’t fix it. You can’t truly be happy if you are needy and insecure. Joyce Meyer, in her book "Approval Addiction: Overcoming Your Need to Please Everyone," says you must eliminate the guilt and shame you have carried with you since childhood if you are going to cure your approval addiction. You must also change some of your fundamental beliefs about who you are. You must change the way you value yourself and learn to give yourself internal validation. This means getting a sense of value from your intrinsic worth as a one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable human soul. It means letting go of shame and guilt about your past and choosing to see mistakes as lessons that taught you things but didn’t affect your value. Here are a few fundamental mindset shifts that can cure your approval addiction over time. For these to change you at the subconscious level though, you will have to make them "your official policies" and review them often.
Don’t be gray and don’t try to be a color that makes other people happy. “The reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself.” — Rita Mae Brown You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a coach and speaker. This article was first published on KSL.comQuestion:
My daughter is 12, she is such a fun and bright girl, but she is starting to more and more put her physical body under the microscope. She thinks her nose is too big, her tummy isn't flat ... things like that. My daughter also has some super skinny classmates at school and a neighbor friend whose mother has told her that she is fat and I try to tell my beautiful daughter that she is just perfect as she is right now, and if she just eats healthy, exercises a couple of times a week(such as riding her bike or jumping on the trampoline) to develop healthy habits, she will be set for life. But do you have any recommendations that would help her feel good about herself? How can I help a teen with body image issues? Answer: There are some things you can do to help your daughter develop a healthy mindset concerning their body shape, food and exercise, but first take a minute and think about what her problems really are. Weight issues can be caused by many factors including physical, genetic or emotional issues. If your daughter is struggling with body image, make sure to consult a doctor and/or psychologist to check for these kinds of issues first. A big part of the problem (for all of us when it comes to weight) is that the world (through the media) teaches a very distorted idea about how our value as a human being is determined. We subconsciously learn as children that our value is based on our performance, appearance and what others think of us (and we have bought this idea hook, line and sinker). Since we were small we have determined our own value this way. We must stop comparing ourselves with other people and worrying ourselves sick over getting their approval. For girls today this subconscious system is even more damaging because they are comparing themselves with the unrealistic, photo-shopped standard of perfection they see in magazines. As long as they are striving to meet this standard they will never, ever feel good about who they are. Here are some things you can do to give your daughter a healthy mindset about body image: 1 — Teach your daughter (and remind yourself) that your value as a human being comes from your love, your character and your goodness, not your appearance or performance. Help her to claim the power to determine her own value. Show her that she can stop comparing with others and base her value on her intrinsic worth, not her waist size. All of us need to take control of our thinking instead of letting our subconscious programs determine how we think and feel. We must claim the power to love and value ourselves exactly as we are now. We must replace limiting beliefs with principles that serve us more. This is the principle I read often — Your waist size doesn’t have anything to do with who you are, and it definitely doesn’t determine your value. Who you are is your character, your values, your goodness, your individuality, your spirit and your love. You are much more than your weight! Your value comes from the fact that you are an irreplaceable, one-of-a-kind, incomparable human soul. Your value is therefore infinite and absolute and not on the line. You are the same amazing, unique you, no matter what you do or how you look, or what others think of you. You can adopt these universal truths and make them your beliefs by reading and repeating them often. 2 — Model a good example of self-esteem. Make sure you don’t make negative comments about your appearance, criticize yourself or worry about what others think of you. You may need to get some professional help to work on your self-image if necessary. (Do it for your daughter because she is watching you.) 3 — Never make negative comments about ANYONE’s appearance, or you are reinforcing the idea that appearance equals value. 4 — Model good eating and exercise habits. This is critical because children learn more from example than anything else. Teach them to make healthy food choices and to understand why some foods aren’t good for them. Work on eating right as a family. 5 — Help your daughter learn healthy ways to deal with stress besides comfort eating. We all need to learn to self-soothe without food. 6 — Help them to appreciate good food and take time eating it. One weight loss expert I talked to recommends teaching teens to eat slower, chew and savor each bite as long as possible. He said eating too fast means you don’t have time to feel full and satisfied, and you don’t appreciate the wonderful taste of food. 7 — Encourage your daughter to keep a journal and when she is feeling inferior because of her weight, have her write down the belief behind the negative thoughts. Beliefs like "thin people are better than fat people" or "no one will love me if I’m overweight" are just limiting beliefs, they are not truth. Debunking these beliefs on paper makes the rational truth seem more real and takes the power away from the fear. 8 — Teach her to focus on being healthy, not thin. A focus on taking care of yourself, eating healthy food and exercising is behavior based in caring for yourself, while dieting and working to be thinner is based in dislike for yourself. Focus on self-love instead. 9 — Help her find a form of exercise that she loves to do. Don’t let exercise become torture. Show her how to make it a fun part of an enjoyable life. Stay active doing things you love to do. 10 — Teach her how to buy and wear clothes that flatter her figure. Often teens want to follow the trends and end up buying things that only work on certain body types. Do your homework and teach her how to dress her body type instead. 11 — Teach her to focus more on how she treats people and the love she brings to the world. In the end, this is what matters most and wins friends. People care more about how you treat them than how you look. People are attracted to your personality, kindness, character, humor and love — all of the things that are (really) who you are. Be someone who makes others feel loved and valued everywhere you go and your self-esteem will improve fast. Stop trying to win them with your appearance — and go win them with your love. 12 — Smile. According to a study done at Search Your Love, 67 percent of single men and 78 percent of single women find someone who smiles a bigger turn-on than someone who is thin. 13 — Watch for signs of an eating disorder and get professional help sooner than later if you see them. Look for signs like refusal to eat, excessive exercise, fear of eating in public, preoccupation with food, or intense fear of gaining weight. 14 — Limit time spent watching TV, movies or reading magazines. According to Dr. David Walsh’s "Say Yes to No Parent Workbook," teens are exposed to 5,000 marketing messages each day, and most of these include Photoshopped images that aren’t realistic. Instead, encourage active activities, reading, talking to people and spending time outside. Victoria Moran, author of "Younger by the Day" said, "Growing into your future with health and grace and beauty doesn't have to take all your time. It rather requires a dedication to caring for yourself as if you were rare and precious, which you are, and regarding all life around you as equally so, which it is." You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular coach and speaker. Question:
I’ve done everything they say you should do to create success and happiness. I’ve sacrificed a lot and worked hard, and I’m very successful. But I’m definitely not happy. I’m always afraid of losing what I have. My marriage is OK, but not wonderful and I don’t really feel loved. I don’t think I can be happy unless this changes. Bottom line, my life feels slightly empty in spite of my accomplishments. Any advice for me? Answer: Anthony de Mello said, “There is only one cause of unhappiness: the false beliefs you have in your head, beliefs so widespread, so commonly held, that it never occurs to you to question them.” The false belief, which causes most of our unhappiness, is the belief that our life should be different from what it is. We honestly believe that different circumstances would make us happier. If our spouse just loved us more, if we could get a promotion, if we could just move somewhere else, then we’d be happy. But the idea that happiness is attained through external situations is a myth, because there are lots of people who have what you say you want and still aren’t happy. You were subconsciously trained as a child to believe that happiness is attached to external circumstances, but it isn't true. Happiness isn’t created through what you do, have, or experience. It doesn’t come from having someone love you. It doesn’t come from money, achievements or fame. It comes from something much deeper (yet more simple) — it comes from a positive, accurate outlook or mindset about life. Happiness is a choice you can make in any circumstance. If you want to feel happier, you must change some of your false beliefs about life and learn how to choose happiness even when circumstances aren’t ideal. It is possible to be happy even when life disappoints you. It’s not easy — but it is possible. That doesn’t mean you won’t feel sad and mourn a loss, but it means you won’t choose to live there. You can create a state of happiness inside yourself regardless of your circumstances and this is really the only way you will ever get it. Here are some suggestions to help you choose more happiness:
Remember you get to decide the weather, wherever you are. It is easier to pretend you are powerless and blame others or life for how you feel, but this is a cop-out. You really do have the power to control your emotions and choose to be happy if you want to. I’m going to work this with you. We can do it! Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book CHOOSING CLARITY: The Path to Fearlessness. She offers free coaching calls every Tuesday night. Question:
My child is getting bullied at school (even though he is only 4 years old). What can I do to help him be more self-confident and sure of himself now and in his future? Answer: I am so glad you asked this question because self-confidence is the most precious gift we can give our children. It is also the most important thing you can work on in yourself. A person’s self-worth drastically affects the quality of their marriage, their career and the happiness in their life. So, my question to you is, how is your self-esteem? The most powerful way to encourage healthy self-esteem in children is by example, but you can’t give what you don’t have. So if you struggle with fear around not being good enough yourself, I strongly recommend you to get some help with it. Working with a counselor or coach who knows how to change the way you value yourself, can make a huge difference for your whole family. You must remember life is a classroom (a place of learning and growing), not a test, where your value is constantly on the line. You are “good enough” as you are right now (even though you are imperfect and struggling), because your value is not based in your performance, appearance, property or anything else around you. Your value comes from the fact that you are a one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable human soul made of love, for love and by love. You are like an irreplaceable diamond that has the same value no matter where it is. No matter what you are currently experiencing, you have the same infinite value. You must also remember that what other people think of you is irrelevant too, because you are the same you, no matter what they think. When you embrace these principles of truth and start living them, your children will follow your lead. Here are a couple other suggestions for raising confident kids:
Hope this helps. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought-after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem. Question:
I loved your article on self-sacrifice and I’m trying to take care of myself, but my boyfriend doesn't want me to stand up for myself. When I do, he says I don't really want him in my life anymore. He thinks I’m a mean, selfish person if I get bothered with how I’m treated. Do you have any advice on how to actually transform this relationship? Answer: Your boyfriend is using guilt to manipulate you. So, I’d like to explain how you recognize manipulation and give you some ideas for getting out of or dealing with this person. Here are some common signs you might be in a manipulative relationship (either with a parent, child or significant other): Do you have self-esteem issues? Are you a kind person but also a little bit naïve? Manipulators are subconsciously drawn to people pleasers with low self-esteem because they are easily pushed around. Does this person use guilt to make you do things you don't want to do? Does it seem like every argument ends with you being at fault? Does this person trigger your emotions and then get mad at you for being emotional? Manipulators often figure out what character traits are important to you and then use them to push your buttons and control you. It sounds like your boyfriend knows you are afraid of being seen as selfish or mean, so he is using your desire to be a good person to manipulate you. Does this person do nice things for you and then make you feel obligated and/or guilty because of them? Do you have to keep some things secret and even occasionally lie to this person to protect yourself? Does this person get offended easily? Are you often walking on egg shells worried about doing or saying the wrong thing? Does this person discourage your friendships with other people? Does this person call you repeatedly to find out where you are or what you are doing? Often manipulators are controlling. Does this person criticize your plans or goals and squash your dreams? Are they loving one day and cold the next ? Do they often blame you for how they feel? Are you frustrated and sad more than you're happy in this relationship? Have you tried to break it off numerous times? If these questions are striking a cord, it’s safe to say you are in a manipulative relationship (also remember that manipulation can happen with a parent, a sibling or friend, too.) Here are some suggestions for dealing with this person: 1) If this is a friend or romantic interest, you might want to at least consider ending this relationship post haste. It is highly unlikely that this person is going to change (unless this person agrees to some serious professional help, which most manipulators don’t think they need). It is best to deliver this news quickly and leave the premises so you cannot be manipulated and pulled back in. Sometimes it is best to break these relationships off by email or text to avoid further manipulation. 2) If you decide to end this relationship, you are going to need a good support system to stand by you, and in some cases protect you from conversations with this person. You have the right to refuse to talk about it. 3) You must recognize that your low self-esteem is partly responsible for this situation. You may want to get some professional help from a counselor or coach to work on your self-image. You must learn to see yourself as bulletproof and refuse to let other people determine your value. You are a one-of-a-kind, amazing, irreplaceable being and nothing anyone says or does can diminish you. 4) If this person gets angry and tries to retaliate in any way, do not react or even respond. Let it go and move forward with your life (or in some cases you may need a restraining order). 5) You are also going to need to grow a back bone and establish some boundaries. If this person is a parent or sibling, you can’t break up with them. So, you must have clearly defined boundaries and a strategy for enforcing them. Then you calmly repeat these boundaries over and over until they get it. You won’t be pushed around anymore. 6) You must stop caring what other people think of you (even your relatives). What they think is irrelevant and cannot affect, change or diminish you. They cannot hurt you without your permission. Make it your official policy that it doesn’t matter what this person thinks of you. Harriet Braiker wrote a book called “Who’s Pulling Your Strings?” In it she said, “If you are an approval addict, your behavior is as easy to control as that of any other junkie. All a manipulator need do is a simple two-step process: Give you what you crave, and then threaten to take it away. Every drug dealer in the world plays this game.” You have got to quit playing this game with this person. You must figure out who you are and not let other people tell you different. When you let go of your need for approval and claim the power to determine your value and character, you will be free and invincible. If this is proving difficult, I highly recommend some professional help. Hope this helps. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a life coach and speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem. Question:
Life has not been a picnic for me. It has been mostly full of disappointments and hard knocks. It isn’t turning out anything like the life I had planned. Hence, I experience a lot of jealously and resentment toward others. I’m trying not to be bitter and feel like a failure, but I can’t see I’ve accomplished much and don’t have much to show for all my work, pain and suffering. Not sure what my question is, but I guess I could use some advice to feel better about life? Answer: Your question might be: What is the point or purpose of this difficult life? Is there meaning in the painful and often fruitless experiences I’ve had? Is my difficult journey benefiting me in some way? I often quote Viktor Frankl in my articles because his discoveries in the concentration camps during World War II have greatly influenced my philosophies on life. He found that life did have meaning and purpose, even when it consisted of nothing but horrible suffering. He believed that every man must, at some point on his journey, find meaning in his individual experiences, especially the bad ones. He said, “If there is meaning in life at all, then there must be meaning in suffering.” Personally, I believe there is meaning in the difficulties you have experienced, because I believe you are here in this world to do two things. You are here to learn andlove. I believe this purpose is hard-wired into all of us. We seem to innately know life is about growing, learning, stretching and becoming the best version of ourselves we can become. We also seem to know we are here to love others and help as many people as we can, along our way. (Most people who find a specific mission in life find it around one or both of these two ideas.) I believe — as part of the learning process here — we must experience many different aspects of the human condition, including suffering, grief, disappointment, joy, happiness and peace to learn what each of these experiences can teach us. Unfortunately we learn more from the difficult experiences. Suffering gives us empathy and understanding; shame teaches us compassion; disappointment teaches us to shift, change, adapt and persevere. Miserable, heart-breaking and discouraging situations usually serve us and refine us. I wish it wasn’t so, but it is. It is important you remember this truth, though — the amount of difficult experiences you get here is not a reflection of your value or your abilities, as much as it is about the specific lessons you were meant to learn. You must remember that your value is the same as everyone else’s. Every human being on the planet has the same infinite and absolute value, no matter how successful or unsuccessful their life may appear. This means they aren’t better than you just because they accomplished more. They just got signed up for different classes and different lessons than you did. No one on this planet got signed up for the same classes you got. So you cannot compare your journey or your results with anyone else. When you say you have nothing to show for your efforts and your life has been a failure, all I hear is you apparently got signed up for some really hard classes. But your results here don’t affect or determine your value. You are an irreplaceable, one-of-a-kind, divine, amazing human soul. You are basically an irreplaceable diamond, which has the same value no matter it's setting or where you find it. If a diamond is thrown in the mud, it still has the same value. If it is thrown in the garbage, it still has the same value. You have the same value no matter where you end up. Do you get this? Your journey has nothing to do with your value. Some of us get signed up for harder classes here in the classroom of life than others. I don’t know why things are unfair here, but I believe there is a reason. I’ve often tried to drop a few of my more miserable classes, but apparently they were required courses because the universe didn’t let me out. I was not happy about this, but I realized that stuck in that situation, I only had two choices. I could choose to trust the universe that this difficult path was serving me in some way, focus on the lessons and let the experiences make me better, stronger and more loving, or I could dwell in fear, anger, jealously and bitterness — which would only push other people away and create more negative in my life. These are your only two choices when you are stuck in a required class. I highly recommend choosing trust and love! Here are a couple more things you could do to change your perspective on life: 1) Write down as many positives as you can about what your journey has given you, things you have learned, qualities you have gained, traits you’ve developed. Then write down some things you could be gaining or developing if you tried a little harder. 2) Remember your value is as infinite and absolute as a diamond, no matter your results or performance. Claim your power to determine your own value and see it this way, despite your results. 3) Remember, life is really about what you learn, understand and develop through your experiences. It is not about what a smooth ride you had. It is about who you become on the inside not what you have to show on the outside. 4) Whenever you feel jealous of others, remember that their hard classes are probably still coming and you have things (empathy, understanding and wisdom) they may not have yet. 5) Don’t live to please other people — follow your heart and your intuition. Make sure you are doing what feels right to you in every situation. Honor your truth and your values no matter what. 6) Choose to be grateful for what is good in your life, for every small blessing or moment of happiness. Choose joy in every situation you possibly can. 7) You may not be able to change your situation, but you always have the power to choose how you will experience that situation. There are two choices: fear or trust and love. Fear will create more suffering — trust and love will create peace. You get to decide where you want to live. “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way,” Frankl said. He continued, “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” I recommend that you work on changing the way you are looking at your life. When you look at it from a new perspective, it may totally change the way you feel. If this is proving difficult, you may want to seek a coach or counselor to help you. I hope this helps. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem. Question:
How do I stop beating myself up for past mistakes? I made some bad choices that ruined an important relationship, and I made some bad choices that caused me to miss opportunities, which will never come again. I could beat myself up forever about those choices and what might have been different in my life, if I’d been smarter. How does one get past those kinds of mistakes? Answer: “Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, "It might have been.” Kurt Vonnegut penned those words, and they sting every person who reads them. Almost everyone on the planet has regrets (decisions they wish they had made differently over the course of their lives). If you spend too much time here, these regrets could rob you the happiness you should be experiencing today. You can't let this happen. It doesn’t serve you to punish yourself over and over for past transgressions, especially because you can't change them. Spending time here would mean borrowing suffering from your past and letting it ruin today. The question is how can you eliminate these feelings of shame and regret? Here are six things you can do to change the way you feel about your past and change the way you create your future:
Don’t waste another minute of today dwelling in fear over things that are over and gone. Focus on being the person you want to be. Choose to focus on the future only because it's more productive. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a life coach and speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem. Question:
I feel guilty if I do anything nice for myself. I can't sleep in, sit down to watch a movie or even take a vacation without feeling irresponsible. I feel selfish if I do anything that makes me happy, especially if it means putting someone else out or taking time away from my family. So, instead I stay home and focus on making everyone else happy, but in the end no one appreciates it and I feel terrible. Any advice for me? Answer: You are not alone on this one. A lot of people are conflicted about self-sacrifice versus taking care of themselves. Many of us have a faulty subconscious rule in our head that says, “You have to put other people’s needs before your own or you are a selfish person.” You may also have a subconscious rule that says, “Unless you are constantly working and productive, you’re lazy.” The problem is, like many other subconscious rules, these rules aren’t accurate and can cause real problems in your life. If you always put other people’s needs before your own, you will soon have nothing left to give. Unless you take some time to relax and take care of yourself, you will soon burn out. You may want to adopt some new, more accurate rules or beliefs about self-sacrifice and leisure time. You have the power to decide what your rules and values will be. I encourage my clients to write out their old fear-based rules on paper so they can take a good look at them. Then, consider what the old rule has given them and what it has cost them. Then, I encourage them to write a new rule, based on principles of truth. Let’s explore some principles of truth regarding self-sacrifice, which might make better rules. 1.) If you are too self-sacrificing, no one will appreciate it. Most of the time, when you sacrifice and give too much you are doing it to earn love, validation or approval from other people. The problem is, the more you sacrifice, the more these people expect you to sacrifice. They may even start to feel entitled to it and they may become abusive toward you. This happens because if you don’t value yourself, you are actually teaching the people in your life, not to value you, either. You are literally training them to take you for granted. This also makes them lose respect for you. 2.) Out-of-balance "give and take" hurts your relationships. Giving too much will cause the other person to lose respect for you and take you for granted, but it will also make you resent them. When you give too much, you will eventually resent the other person for letting you do it. For example: If you agree to watch your neighbor’s kids when you really don’t want to but say yes because you feel too guilty to say no, you will end up resenting your neighbor for asking you, even though you were the one who said yes. You must start taking care of yourself so you won’t resent other people. 3.) Self-sacrifice does not always serve the other person. If you continually do everything for other people, you deny them the experience of caring for themselves. This often disrupts lessons the universe is trying to teach them. Instead, you are teaching this person that it’s OK to treat people badly and take advantage of others. They need to learn this is not true. You are in the perfect position to teach this, by refusing to do things for them anymore. 4.) The principle of self-defense trumps self-sacrifice. You most likely believe it is wrong to kill another human being. This is probably a strongly-held belief that you would never consider breaking — unless, of course, someone breaks into your home and threatens to kill your family. Then, you would feel justified killing the person because your life is just as valuable as his, and because his intentions were selfish, which gives you permission to be selfish, too. Think about what this means in the rest of your life. There are times that taking care of yourself must trump the principle of self-sacrifice. 5.) We all have the same value. You are as important as everyone else. Remember the golden rule, to do unto others as you would have them do unto you? This rule works both ways. You must also do unto yourself, as you would do unto others. Don't you want your children, friends and family members to value themselves, relax, nurture and even pamper themselves on occasion? You would surely encourage them to be responsible and work hard, but you would absolutely encourage them to take care of themselves and have some fun. It’s time to do unto yourself what you would want for them. 6.) You aren’t capable of real love until your own needs are met. If you are not getting enough of what you need (love, appreciation, validation, happiness, relaxation, etc.) then you are always coming from a needy position with an empty bucket. If you try to give from this place, you are giving with strings attached, because you are hoping that if you give to others, they will give back to you and fill your empty bucket. This doesn’t work, though, because you are giving non-existing water from your empty bucket, hoping to get real water back. This kind of giving leaves you depleted and empty, and the other person unappreciative of the gift, because it was really about you. When you take care of yourself, making sure your needs are met first, you have a full bucket. You now have something to give, and people will appreciate the gift because it is given with no strings attached. Remember, self-sacrifice is a noble thing, if the gift is given because one wants to give it. But if a gift if given from a place of obligation, guilt, neediness or a desire to win approval, it is not really a gift at all. If you have problems with these issues, you may want to seek some professional help to re-write your rules and change the way you show up in your relationships. It will benefit everyone if you do. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem. |
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AuthorKimberly Giles is the president and founder of Claritypoint Life Coaching and 12 SHAPES INC. She is an author and professional speaker. She was named one of the top 20 advice gurus in the country by Good Morning America in 2010. She appears regularly on local and national TV and Radio. Archives
March 2022
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