Question:
There are so many serious problems in our community and the world. Watching the news about puts me over the edge. The world is falling apart and I feel constant stress about it. It feels like the whole world is going down the drain. Why do all these bad things have to happen? How can I process all this and not let it affect me? Answer: There are problems in the world, but you need to turn off the news and look at the larger picture. Statistics show the world is getting better, less violent, more healthy and more humane all the time. There are still more good people than bad and those good people are making a significant difference. Don’t believe me?
I also want you to understand what really causes stress and fear. It is not the facts, the situations or the state of the world. It is not your bank account balance, your bills or your marriage problems. Stress and fear are not caused by external factors at all. Stress and fear are caused by how you are thinking about all those factors and situations. They are internally created. This is good news, because if you created them, you also have the power to change them. Here are a couple ways to start changing your thinking. 1. Understand your negativity bias. This refers to the fact that things of a negative nature (unpleasant thoughts, emotions, harmful or traumatic events) have a greater effect on your psychological state than do positive things. You basically enlarge the negative in your mind and discount the positive. We all do it. Michel de Montaigne said this 500 years ago, “My life has been filled with terrible misfortune; most of which never happened.” Most of what you fear isn’t real or isn’t as big as you think it is. Most of your suffering is unnecessary and self-inflicted. A powerful way to counter this is gratitude. Count your blessings and what’s right in your life (every day). This will remind you that the good always outweighs what’s wrong. Statistics even prove it. Studies have shown 85 percent of what you worry about won’t happen, and the 15 percent that does happen, you will handle better than expected and will teach you amazing lessons. You might need to remind yourself of these facts daily. 2. Use the haunted house analogy to get accurate. In a haunted house, things (or people) who look scary are always jumping out in front of you. These things may initially scare you, but then you remind yourself it isn’t real and you calm right down. Most of the things you fear and stress about in your life right now aren’t going to be a problem either. You are just living in a haunted house. It helps to remember who built this house you’re traveling through. God, in whose hands you safely lay all the time, built it. He built this house as your classroom and as such, it must provide some scary experiences, but the more you learn to trust the builder, the less fear you experience. One of my favorite quotes from "The Course in Miracles" says, “No nightmare can defeat a child of God in his purpose.” Remember life was meant to look scary, but it is mostly a nightmare. Nothing God created can do anything but bless you at best and educate you at worst. The universe is literally conspiring to serve you. 3. Remember the real point and purpose for being here is to learn. Life is a classroom and every terrible experience comes with a lesson or a positive aspect. God is teaching us about both the light and the darkness. Bad experiences and horrific tragedies give each of us a chance to decide who we are going to be. When terrible things happen, there is usually an interesting increase of love in the world. This week I’ve discovered a new depth of love for people in Paris and Beirut (people I don’t even know), and that love is deeper than I realized. We ache for those people, and it is a beautiful thing to feel the depth of our love for our fellow human beings. The reality of terrorism gives the opportunity to embrace the principles of peace in our religions and make a commitment to be tolerant of others. You asked me why horrible things have to happen in this classroom. My answer is, there is a reason, but most of the time, we aren’t supposed to know what it is. We are better off not knowing. Right now you are truly, deeply bothered by these horrible events in the world, as you should be. If you understood the reason why this had to happen, if the mystery was solved and you got the answer, you might make peace with the horror of the situation. You might not be so appalled by it — and that would be even worse than what you are experiencing now. Watching evil and not being moved by the horror of it, not questioning and feeling pain, would take away what makes you human. Aron Moss wrote a wonderful article on this topic in which he explains, “Worse than innocent people suffering is others watching their suffering unmoved. And that's exactly what would happen if we were to understand why innocents suffer. We would no longer be bothered by their cry, we would no longer feel their pain, because we would understand why it is happening. When you have an explanation, the pain doesn't seem so bad anymore. We can tolerate suffering when we know why it is happening." We are not meant to tolerate suffering and evil. So the question isn’t why do bad things happen; it’s what do we do when horrific bad things happen? We choose trust and love. Trust God and the universe. They know what they’re doing. Choose to believe that even the things you can’t understand serve us somehow. Trust there are still more good people than bad, who are using all their creative powers to change things. Trusting brings peace. Then, let these events make you a better, kinder and more loving person. Be one of the good people and use your creative energy to do good in the world. Instead of trying to answer unanswerable questions, turn your grief into a force for good in your home and community. Speak out against injustice and cruelty more often. Love people more passionately and take action to alleviate suffering wherever you can. Moss said, ”We don't really want answers, we don't want explanations, and we don't want closure. … We want an end to suffering ... but we [shouldn't] leave it up to God to alleviate suffering. … He is waiting for us to do it. That's what we are here for.” You can do this.
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Question: My spouse and I fight all the time because he takes everything I say as an insult and gets offended too easy. I keep trying to show him he is filtering what I say and making it negative. He is projecting his issues and fears onto me. The problem is that he cannot see this. He thinks what he sees is real and I’m the problem. I honestly don’t know if I can keep doing this, if I can’t get him to see things more accurately. Do you have any advice? Answer: Ask your spouse if he would be willing to read this article and understand your motivation in writing me was only a desire for him to be happier and for your marriage to work. I will explain in simple terms how we all, at times, create unnecessary and even self-inflicted suffering through projection and how to stop. Basically we suffer, get upset and behave badly quite often, because we are not seeing the world accurately. We see and experience life through a thought-created filter made of our past beliefs, fears and stories. We subconsciously project these beliefs, fears and stories onto everything and everyone around us, and we all do this at times. We project our faults and weaknesses onto others too, which is why a bully who is scared at home likes to make other kids scared at school. It’s why the husband who doesn’t trust his wife is also disloyal to her on some level. It is why controlling people tend to hate controlling people and when you are afraid you aren’t good enough, you will see rejection and insults in others, even when they aren't there. If you see offenses, bad behavior and mean people everywhere you look, it is probably because you are coming to every situation already feeling inadequate, walked on or threatened. This is just a universal law: You see the world as you are. Whatever conflict, fear or pain you have inside you, it will filter and distort what you see. Rory Mackay, an fabulous English writer, said, “The problem is when our thoughts, interpretations and projections cause us to suffer. This happens when we interpret reality in painful, self-limiting, dysfunctional and destructive ways. When we have a limiting self-image and think of ourselves as being worthless and inadequate little worms, or have a distorted view of the world and the nature reality, we suffer immensely.” He says there are two realities we experience. 1) The unbiased objective reality — what is actually happening around you. This reality is shared with others and is the same for everyone. 2) The thought-created reality — a reality you see because of the thoughts and beliefs you have projected onto the unbiased reality, creating a private reality only you experience. This thought-created reality is made of faulty scripts, stories and fear-based programming, much of which was created when you were a child. All of us see the world as a thought-created reality, to some degree every day. To make matters worse, we believe this thought-created reality is the unbiased reality. We believe what we think we are experiencing is real. When your spouse says something about your behavior at a party, your mind will instantly filter what she said through all your subconscious programming, beliefs, fears and stories you have previously created about yourself and her. The way you experience the comment could also be affected by your mood, which creates yet another filter that affects how you experience this comment. Hence, you are not really experiencing what she said, you are experiencing your thought-created version of what she said. It is highly likely what she really said, if seen through the unbiased reality, was neutral and didn’t mean what you thought it meant. Your thinking (or what you thought about what she said) is causing your suffering — not what she said. The comment itself didn’t mean anything, because nothing means anything until your thinking applies meaning to it. (This doesn’t let your spouse off the hook for actual rude comments, of course. Sometimes your spouse says something unbiasedly offensive, but even then you will still add meaning to it and determine the amount of pain you experience around it, because words can’t diminish you without your approval.) Whenever a comment hurts you, step back and write what happened on paper in a completely non-biased way, being objective and unemotional about it. Strip away the meaning and emotion and just write what happened as factually and accurate as possible. This means "He insulted my cooking and doesn't appreciate anything I do" might become "His taste buds didn't like this one meal, which has nothing to do with my value as a person or his love for me." If you feel a real insult happened, then maybe a conversation needs to happen about this issue so it won’t happen again. Just make sure you have that conversation from a place of equality (seeing the other person as the same as you). In other words, don't talk down to them. There are two worksheets on my website which would help you with this. The Mutually Validating Conversations Worksheet would help you handle feedback conversations with your spouse the right way, and the To Be or Not to Be Upset Worksheet would help you step back and avoid projection. I recommend you get both. You also need to do some work on your self-esteem and the subconscious fears you have about failure and not being good enough. The Course in Miracles states, “Every response you make, is determined by what you think you are.” Each of us has a deep subconscious fear we might not be good enough. This fear of failure or inadequacy gets projected onto everything we experience. We may even subconsciously project this fear onto God and believe he doesn’t think we're good enough either. When you feel deprived, vulnerable, cheated, unworthy or rejected, you project those feelings onto others and believe they are taking from you or insulting you. If you feel this way often, you must understand this problem is an internal one, not an external one, and your attacking others will not fix it. The truth is you are perfect, totally forgiven, good enough and loved (even though you are a struggling student in the classroom of life with much more to learn). Life is a classroom not a test, so you have nothing to fear. When you don’t own this idea as truth though, you become a bundle of fear, which causes you to attack others and feel attacked all the time. As a life coach, I believe the first and most important thing you have to do, to create better results in your life, is to correct this core fundamental belief that your value is in question, which creates the fear you might not be good enough. When you change what you think you are, it will change all your subconscious reactions and projections, which will change your behavior. If you struggle with low self-esteem, fear of failure, or you just have tremendous stress and worry about life, you need to get some professional help immediately to correct your fundamental beliefs about yourself. You must find an expert who knows how to do this specifically. This is the most powerful, life changing thing you can do for yourself and your family. Nothing would make a bigger difference. I also explain how to make this fundamental change in your thinking, in my book "Choosing Clarity." It would help you to see your world and your value more accurately and suffer less. You might want to get one for your spouse. You can do this. This was first published on ksl.com
Question: I have a daughter who gets frightened too easily and has terrible fears every night. Halloween is making the situation even worse. Do you have any advice on helping a child be less scared or how to help her when she is? Answer: Halloween is a great time to talk to children about scary things and dealing with fear. Here are a couple suggestions on how to do that:
You can do this. Question:
I worry too much and it is draining joy from my life, but I honestly cannot stop. I am really good at thinking of everything that could possibly go wrong with every situation. Even when things are going good, I can think of things to be worried about. My spouse says that I can rain on any parade. How does one turn that off? Do you have some advice? Answer: First, understand that worries are nothing more than perspective. Everything you feel and experience is just perspective and in every situation there are other perspectives you could choose, which could make you feel different. I want you to take your thoughts (worries) less seriously. They are not facts. They are just ideas. Unfortunately, it sounds like worry has become your autopilot or subconscious default perspective. You can look at anything and immediately see something to fear. This happens so fast, you don’t see the other perspective options available to you. You must slow down and become more mindful. This means stepping back and observing what you are thinking, then consciously deciding if it serves you. Here are 10 ways to get control over worry and choose a different perspective: 1) Remind yourself worry never robs tomorrow of problems, it only robs today of joy. Studies have shown most of the things you worry about will never happen and the bad things which do happen, are usually out of your control and no amount of worrying could have prevented them. This means that worry is a waste of your time and energy. It does not change the outcome of the future and it does not protect you. It only robs you of your ability to thrive today. 2) If there is something you can do right now, do it. If there is nothing you can do right now, let it go. Choose to be present and focus on where you are. Look for people to serve or love, or action that would make a positive difference in your life. Stay present. George Macdonald said, “No man ever sank under the burden of the day. It is when tomorrow's burden is added to the burden of today that the weight is more than a man can bear.” Take everything one moment at a time. 3) There is a difference between worrying and planning. When you have a big project you may need to spend some time thinking about the problems and figuring out how to handle obstacles, but you can do this planning in a state of optimism and trust believing everything will work out for the best or you can do this in a state of fear. Planning and should feel peaceful and wise, while worrying in fear feels anxious and out of control. Choose to plan not worry by choosing optimism. 4) Choose optimism. A state of optimism means trusting the universe that it is a classroom that is always conspiring for your good. Believe things always work out to serve you in the end. You don’t know they will work out, but you don’t know they won’t work out either. Given that it could go either way you might as well choose a positive, optimistic attitude because doubt, fear and worry are less fun and less motivating. Remember, worry saps your energy and leaves you less able to deal with what does happen. 5) Put worries in the worry closet. Don’t let yourself think about problems all day long. Instead set aside some time (maybe an hour late in the day) when you can sit down and process your concerns. When worry shows up during the day, put those worries in a worry closet and lock the door. The worries are still there, but you are not dealing with them right now. Don’t try to stop worrying. This actually keeps you thinking about not thinking about it, which is actually still thinking about it. Just put them in the worry closet until later. When the time comes, open the worry closet and walk inside. Give yourself a specific amount of time to dwell in worry, plan and process all the concerns. Use some of the strategies below to do that. 6) Figure out what is in your control and what’s not. Get a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. on the right side write down everything that is in your control and on the left everything that is out of your control. You will find the right side list is usually shorter. Decide to take action on those things. The rest is out of your control and does you no good to worry about. 7) Focus on solutions. During your worry closet time, instead of dwelling on your fears, focus on solutions to the problem. Brain storm solutions and don’t stop until you come up with 50. This will push you to stretch your imagination and come up with new ideas. You might want to recruit family or coworkers to brainstorm with you. Two heads are better than one. 8) Uncertainty is part of life and it doesn’t have to scare you. Accept that uncertainty is beautiful part of the adventure of life. Not knowing what tomorrow holds isn’t a bad thing it is just unknown - and the truth is it is just as likely to be good as it is bad. If you put your trust in God and this amazing classroom universe he created, you can walk into each unknown adventure without fear. Trusting God and the universe is the key to peace. 9) Spend time dwelling on positive feelings. Gay Henricks, Phd and author of the book The Big Leap says most of us are subconsciously programmed to sabotage ourselves if too much success and positive change starts to happen. We may think we don’t deserve the good or don’t believe it can happen to us. We may start worrying because it is a feeling we are more used to. Worry is more "in our comfort zone" than accepting the positive is. You should always step back from negative thinking or worry, and check yourself for subconscious self-sabotage. Ask yourself these questions: What is this worry showing up for? How could this worry be trying to keep me safe or protect me from something? What positive thing might be manifesting in my life? What do I fear about getting this positive thing that could make me push it away or deny it? What would happen if I embraced the positive? Instead of dwelling in the worry sit with the positive thoughts about what could go right for a minute. How would it feel to let this positive thing happen and not worry about it or doubt it? Feel the positive feelings and get used to how they feel. Embrace them and believe you deserve good things to happen. Practice accepting positive from the universe. 10) Fear is a choice. You may not believe you have a choice about fear and worry, especially if it has been your autopilot setting most of your life, but you do. Fear is a choice, and so is peace. Choose to trust the universe and the process of your life. See life as a wise teacher that is constantly conspiring to serve you, educate you and make you stronger, smarter and more loving every minute of every day. It is on your side and if you trust your higher power and the amazing classroom universe more deeply, you will find there is nothing to fear because there isn't. There is nothing to fear. You can do this. Question:
How do I stop being so shy and teach my children not to be so shy? I’m afraid of people and most situations and my children have picked up on this and are afraid too. Please help!!!! Answer: The good news is scientists have found the gene for shyness. They would have found it sooner but it was hiding behind some other genes. Just kidding. But I do have some good advice on this one. The first crucial step in helping someone change their behavior is making them feel unconditionally loved and accepted for who they are now. Make sure your child knows it’s OK to feel shy. It happens to everyone, and there is nothing wrong with him. There are actually some interesting advantages to being shy. Shy people are usually more polite and considerate to others. They tend to pay more attention to things, because they aren’t as busy talking. Shy people may create better friendships, because they go for quality, not quantity. Shy people can be better at working independently and solving problems on their own. They may also be smarter, because they think things through more before they act. Here are a few things you can do (and do with your children) to help you overcome fear of social interactions: When going somewhere new, talk to your child and prepare him ahead of time. Talk about the anxiety he might feel and what he might feel afraid of. Talk about ways he can cope with his fears and calm himself down. If you are the shy person, you can think these things through and even journal about them. Write out some options for handling situations you think may happen Plan some safe and successful social interactions. Plan lots of social events with familiar people as often as you can. This will build confidence for branching out to new settings with new people. Learn some more social skills. You may want to find a coach or counselor who can teach you some communication and relationship skills. Knowing exactly how to respond to different situations gives you a lot of confidence. Visualize using these skills, practice, and role play with them at home. Practice how you would introduce yourself and start conversations. These are things your children also need to learn, so share what you learn with them. Dale Carnegie’s book “How to Win Friends and Influence People” is a great book to teach you some of these skills. Carnegie recommends strategies like asking questions and letting other people do the majority of the talking. This makes people feel important and like you. Teaching children these techniques will empower them to handle social situations too. Model healthy social behaviors yourself. Shyness is a highly genetic trait. You must show your child good social skills by example. If you avoid social situations or are nervous around people, you are teaching your child to fear people. Get some professional help with your own self-esteem and people skills if necessary. Never criticize your child or embarrass them in public or around their peers. When they make a mistake, help them understand mistakes don't define them. We all make mistakes. They may have made a bad choice, but they are not a bad person. Mistakes are just lessons and nothing to be afraid of. Teach them to see life as a classroom (where we are learning, but our value isn’t in question) not a test (where everything counts on your grade). This one mind-set change will help a lot. Teach your child that what other people think of him doesn’t matter. People are usually not paying attention to others anyway. They are focused on themselves. Help him understand that other people’s opinions can’t change or hurt him. They don’t mean anything. Teach creative problem solving. Don’t solve problems for your child. Ask questions and empower him to figure out the answers on his own. Let your child change slowly. Change is a process and happens slowly, step by step. Help your child to set small goals and make a little progress each week. Let him decide what those goals might be. Encourage things like talking to one new person today. Visualization is a great way to practice social behavior. He can practice handling social situations differently in his head. Teach your child to practice in his mind until he is ready to try it for real. The best way to encourage another person to change is by encouragement. Tell your child often how confident and capable he is. If you tell him he is strong and brave, he will believe you. I would strongly recommend some coaching or counseling to help you overcome your social anxiety. It is an easy fix with a professional who knows how to help. After you get your fears under control, you will be able to teach your children a better way of feeling and responding to life. We also have lots of free resources on our website to help you overcome fear. They would really help too. You can do this. Question:
I wish I understood what was wrong with me, and why I cry and get so upset when I feel mistreated or cheated by people or life. For example, if I buy something and it breaks and I try to take it back to the store, but they won't make it right. This situation could make me cry, in the store, which embarrasses my kids. I feel so mistreated it hurts, and I think I'm hoping the person will feel sorry enough for me, and they will treat me better. It's humiliating to admit this, but I often complain and cry about how hard I work and that it does no good, life always goes against me anyway. I complain about my hard lot in life way more than I should. I hate this about myself but don't know how to stop feeling this way. Can you help me? Answer: It sounds like you are suffering from a subconscious victim mentality. Many of us learned as children to use self-pity to get sympathy love. Psychologists tell us the ideas, beliefs or behavior patterns we learn in childhood often become the rules that dictate the way we respond as an adult, even if they are ineffective and immature. Dr. Eric Berne wrote an interesting book back in 1964 called "Games People Play." In it he describes some subconscious psychological behaviors we use to get attention, validation, love or power (getting people to do what we want them to). I wrote a whole article on this last year you might want to read. The Sympathy Card Game is one of the most popular games people play. This happens when you constantly talk about how bad you have it, how terrible you are, or how no one loves you or cares about you to get validation, love or reassurance from other people. People play this game on social media when they post things like “worst day ever” but they don’t leave an explanation about what happened. They do this because they are subconsciously wanting people to prove they care and ask what happened. This game is a subtle (and very immature) way to get love and attention and brings with it a high cost. You may get sympathy love, but because you are acting weak, you usually lose people's respect. They may give you what you want, but they won't necessarily like you either. It would serve us all to take a minute and ask ourselves the following questions just to make sure we aren’t subconsciously playing the victim:
You could believe the universe is working for you and conspiring to serve you and educate you at every turn. If you see life this way, then the fear of loss, which is behind self-pity, will disappear. If everything that happens to you, is here to bless and serve you, is it really a loss? Or is it a hidden blessing to make you stronger, wiser or more loving? I explain this perspective shift in more detail in my book "Choosing Clarity," you may want to read it if you need more help with this one. If you will work on these six things, you can break free from the victim mentality, see your life (accurately) as a classroom and you should cry less. If you are reading this article while in the middle of suffering through some of life's horrible challenges, please understand this is a process. It is normal to feel like a victim when you have been victimized. You just don't want to live there forever. I strongly recommend working with a professional to help you find peace and joy again. You can do this. This article was first published on KSL.COM
If you haven’t seen the movie "Inside Out" yet, take the kids or your friends and go see it. Get over the fact that it is targeted toward the very young and pay close attention to what it’s trying to teach you about your brain. Pixar has provided a creative glimpse into what happens in your mind when you experience painful, life-changing situations. The movie shows how you process emotions and how emotions can drive your behavior. You can then use this knowledge to become a better, wiser more emotionally mature person. Here is how. We all have emotions or subconscious tendencies driving our behaviors every day. The ones mentioned in the film running the control center in the mind are Anger, Fear, Joy, Sadness and Disgust. These emotions are represented as little people, who live and work inside Riley’s head and take turns driving. At one point, as she is processing her discouraging situation, Joy and Sadness start fighting, leaving Anger, Fear and Disgust alone at the controls. These emotions cause problems and drive some really bad decisions. Imaging little people (as the emotions) in your head may help you become more consciously aware or mindful about what you are thinking, and it could even help you gain control. Instead of letting your random emotions take over, you could start consciously choosing how you want to experience your life. In the movie, the young 11-year-old Riley wasn’t mature enough to control what was playing out in her head, but you are, and imagining your emotions as little people will help. (It may sound a little schizophrenic, but go with it because there is great value is separating yourself from your emotions so you can look at them objectively). The first thing I recommend you do it figure out which emotions drive your behavior from time to time. Do you have times where Sadness drives and you feel under a dark cloud all day? Does Sadness make you feel depressed and discouraged? Does she see the negative in everything? Does she encourage you to complain or criticize others? Do you have moments where Anger drives and encourages behavior you later regret? Do you fly off the handle and treat people badly? Do you have Disgust in you? Does your Disgust get offended too easy and take over too often? Does she grab the wheel at even the smallest offense? Does she lash out and hurt the people you love because Love can't show up while Disgust is at the wheel? Can you hear a voice of Fear in your head that is scared of everything? Does he worry about everything that could go wrong? Does he encourage insecurity and tell you that you aren’t good enough? You may have other emotions that aren’t featured in the movie but play a large role in your life. Like a Drama Queen, who overreacts, blows things out of proportion and wants the attention and focus on you all the time. If this little person drives your day it may encourage really immature behavior at times. Are you later embarrassed at how you behaved? I have one in my head I call Focus, who is really good at focusing on whatever I’m doing, which can be a good thing at times, but when Focus is driving I could also miss the needs of people around me and completely forget to be nice to them. Focus can even make me rude at times, because he’s just too focused on whatever I'm doing. The good news is these emotions and their behaviors aren't the real you. They are just voices in your head. You can even tell an unhelpful emotion to sit down and shut up. You can decide to let Gratitude, Joy, or Love drive today. You have that power. This isn’t about suppressing emotions though. It is about processing them and becoming aware or mindful, so you don’t let your subconscious mind drive your life. None of your emotions are bad and they all serve you at times. That is even a major point of the movie. All emotions should be processed and experienced when they show up. They all teach you things about the human condition and give you empathy for others. Emotions, like Sadness, definitely have their time and place, but you don't want to let them drive all the time. You want to be aware of Sadness and understand it. If you struggle to process your emotions in a healthy way there is a great e-book on my website on processing emotions I encourage you to read. For now, just think about what other emotions may be causing trouble in your life? Do you have a Stubborn part inside you, one that gets latched onto to being right and can’t let go? Do you have a Lazy, who just doesn’t want to do anything but lay on the couch? Do you have a Criticizer, who likes to pick at the flaws and faults of those around you? Does it take over and gossip about other people, when being like this isn't the real you at all? Do you have an Ego that has to be right and sees other people as less than you at times? The good news is you also have Joy and Love inside you (I think these are the real you). These beautiful parts of you can see the world, yourself and other people accurately and treat them with kindness and respect. If only these would drive more often! Take some time and own these wonderful parts of you and teach your children they have these inside them too. Once you have figured out which emotions drive your behavior, it is time to start getting them under control. I believe you can go through each day one of two ways: You can either take control and decide who is driving, using the power of conscious choice to put Love, Joy or Motivated Work in charge, or you can let your subconscious mind drive, which means any of you emotions could and might take over at any time. If you go through life this way, you are at the whim of emotion and immaturely reactive. Viktor Frankl, author of the book "Man’s Search for Meaning," found himself in a Nazi concentration camp during World War II and discovered a powerful truth he has shared with the world. He said, “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” The problem is that most of us either don’t realize we have this power or we aren’t using it. Instead, we let whatever emotion grabs us in that moment take over. We may even think we are powerless against them, but this isn’t true. You have the power to decide how you are going to feel and think in this moment. As mature adults, we want to be awake and aware of what is playing out in our heads. We strive to recognize the emotions we are feeling, experience them, process what they are here for, and then choose behavior that serves us and those around us most. This amazing film gives you the opportunity to teach your children about their emotions and to recognize what’s happening inside them. It also gives you, and them, language to better explain what you are feeling. You may ask them if Anger just took over? How does Anger want you to behave right now? How mad is he? What is going to happen if you listen to him? Do you have any other options? How could you get him off the wheel? Is sadness driving today? How come he wants to drive? Maybe he just needs to talk about his Sadness? Often children feel bothered but can’t put words to why. This movie may help. Make sure you take the time to talk to your family after seeing the film and explore what they learned. This may open the door to some great conversations and discoveries about how you children think and see their world. Hopefully, it will help you too. Have fun with it. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular life coach and speaker. First published on KSL.COM
Question: I am so unhappy with my current job. I have a boss who blames things on me when problems are his fault. I am hesitant to leave though, because I know there are always problems wherever you work. No job is perfect. Why leave this position if there is going to be another kind of problem at a new job. I think I have issues with not being content anywhere and I always want things to be perfect, which they never are. How can I be more content where I am? Answer: Most of us think what we want in life is peace and security, the elimination of all problems, pains or worries. If we could just get rid of the problems, pains and worries then we would be happy. Because of this belief we are constantly trying to solve the problems, eliminate the pains and head off the worries. In the process of doing those three things, we learn, stretch and grow. Our greatest accomplishments and most important growth happens because of the problems we are trying to eliminate. Kay Redfield Jamison, a clinical psychologist and writer, said, “I believe that restlessness and discontent are vital things; and that intense experiences and suffering instruct us in ways that less intense emotions can never do.” In the book Moral Knowledge it reads, “Some degree of discontent is necessary to encourage us to engage in the activities of self-realization through which we flourish” I want you to understand this because life is not about being content and secure. You cannot grow there. You would not discover who you are. Life is about growth and growth only happens through discontent and problems. You will find challenges wherever you work because that is the nature of life, but you can feel more content in your times of discontent if you see them accurately. If you feel bothered, unhappy or stressed by a situation, these feelings are telling you that it’s time to grow. It is time for some stretching, learning or changing. Pain is a signal that something needs to change. If you find the same type of problems wherever you go or you keep suffering with discontent over the same types of issues again and again, there are a couple of reasons this may be happening:
You can try to avoid all pains and challenges, but you will find two problems with this. First, it is impossible and second, you will get bored pretty fast. The truth is that we are hard-wired to want challenges in life and to some extent we even seek them out. This is why we willingly participate in sports, push ourselves to run marathons, seek out games of chance and challenge, play with puzzles, mind twisters and video games (the more challenging the better). At a core level we like discontent, challenge and difficulty. My grandfather is in his 90’s, and he still reads books to keep learning, pushes himself to run and spends time on difficult suduko or other puzzles. Human beings are bored without challenges. Thomas Edison said, “Restlessness is discontent, and discontent is the first necessity of progress. Show me a thoroughly satisfied man and I will show you a failure.” Really successful people are never content for long. As soon as they find themselves content they look for another challenge. Some of you may attract challenging situations into your lives because you really subconsciously desire progress. Maybe you have challenges wherever you work because you are subconsciously desiring growth. Could this be you? Maybe you don’t want peace as much as you want improvement? Buddha said life is suffering and we suffer because we are discontent with "what is." He encouraged men to stop craving and resisting "what is" and become equanimous with life (this means with equal emotion towards the bad and the good). He encouraged us to understand the real nature of life and embrace periods of discontent with the same emotion that we do periods of peace because they are both here to serve us and they will both pass because no state is permanent. To some this may sound like being content no matter what you get, but it’s more than that. It’s understanding discontent and content are both there to serve you. You must greet all experiences with gratitude and curiosity for the positive they will bring. What I am suggesting is that you adopt a more positive attitude towards your pains, problems and worries. I realize this is not easy to do, but it is a worthy goal. When you see the classroom of life accurately, you will see that the universe is conspiring to serve you, educate you and bless you, and every experience is facilitating something positive in your life at some level. I am battling chronic pain right now that isn't particularly fun, but it really is easier to handle when I focus on what this experience is teaching me and work to learn something from it I can use to serve others. I have an amazing friend who is battling Parkinson's disease with an amazingly happy attitude because he sees it as a grand opponent to battle and win. Eleanor Roosevelt said, “Happiness is not a goal...it's a by-product of a life well lived.” Real happiness does not come through peace, security or easy living. It comes as a by-product of service, love, achievement, growth and other virtuous activities. We are happy when we are doing things, accomplishing things, growing, learning, creating, building and living. Yet all these activities are wrought with challenges to overcome and obstacles to navigate. So, I think we could accurately say - happiness comes from problems, pains and worries. Do you follow my logic? You think that you are seeking contentment, peace, freedom from danger, risk, anxiety and doubt. You think that you want a state of tranquillity all the time, but seeking this may actually push happiness away. Happiness comes from embracing the whole journey, especially the challenges, because you understand they are all part of the achievement. You will be happy when you focus on growing, becoming, giving and loving God, life, yourself and other people. You will be happy when you see the universe as a wise teacher and trust that every experience is here to serve you. You will experience the whole thing in a more positive way and suffer less. You will be happier at work if you step back from the problems and focus on what you can learn from them and turn them into achievements. How could this experience make you better, stronger or more loving? If you can get more content with your discontent, you will find joy wherever you are. You can do this. This article was first published on KSL.com
Question: I am struggling at work and I don’t know why or how to fix myself. I’m doing enough to get by, but I hold back and drop the ball on occasion. I procrastinate until the last minute and then do a rush job instead of my best work. I know I am the problem, but how do I change this and get more motivated at work? Answer: This is not a motivation problem, it’s a fear problem. Jon Acuff, author of the book, "Start: Punch Fear in the Face, Escape Average and Do Work that Matters," was asked in an interview with Forbes Magazine what prevents most people from reaching their full potential at work. His answer, “The most common trap is fear. Fear never bothers you if you’re average, but the second you dare to be more than ordinary, fear awakens.” You are either battling a fear of failure or a fear of success at work. In my experience these two fears are always the culprit when you feel like you have one foot on the gas and the other on the break. The fear of failure is the most common, and it is a fear of looking bad, being embarrassed or being found out as not good enough. It is tied to your fear of what others think of you and will make you procrastinate doing things you are afraid you won't do perfectly. It also prevents you from trying new things, taking risks or putting your full effort into projects. A fear of success (though it sounds counterintuitive) is a fear of achieving more or shooting higher because you lack confidence in your abilities long-term. You are afraid of the responsibilities and commitments that will come with stepping it up and raising the bar. You may be afraid you can't handle the pressures of a higher position, so it feel safer to be average. Forbes also asked Acuff why most people decide to travel down the average path. “The truth is that they don’t decide," he said. "The only thing you have to do on the average path is not die. You graduate from high school or college and effectively shift into neutral. Sure, you’re not moving that fast but you’re getting great gas mileage and you are making some progress, if you want to call it that. But you’re coasting. Eventually, you’ll roll your way right into the grave.” Don’t settle for average at work. There is no reason to let your subconscious fears drive your career. You have the power to change your thinking and do better. You just have to believe it’s possible and do the work to overcome your fears, which isn’t that hard if you know how. You may want to find a coach or counselor to help you. You may also want to visit my website and take the free Fear Assessment, it will show you on paper which of these two fears is an issue for you. Here are 14 things successful people do to get past fear and reach their potential: 1. Recognize the benefits you are getting from shooting low. What do you get from keeping the bar low? What are you afraid of losing if you succeed? Free time? Your excuse to be lazy? Would trying harder mean finding out you aren’t good enough? Does it feel safer to play small? Own the reasons your subconscious mind thinks drifting is the best path. Decide you don’t want these benefits as much as you want success. 2. Focus on your assets and what you are good at, not your deficits and weaknesses. We all have both, but successful people focus more on what they have going for them, than what they don’t. Watch out for a tendency to shoot down your own ideas with excuses and negatives. If you catch yourself doing this, stop. Think of a positive possibility for every negative you come up with. 3. Know what your gifts are and focus on those. Don’t waste time trying to be good at everything. What are you best at? Focus all your time and energy there. Delegate or pass off the tasks that you are bad, OK, or even adequate at. Focus on your unique genius as much as you can. 4. Take risks in small doses — one step at a time. Raise the bar and slowly step out of your comfort zone. You can handle the next step. You’re ready for that. Take one small step outside your comfort zone today and do the same tomorrow. All successful people are risk-takers and they can do this because they aren't afraid of some failure. 5. Don’t take failure personally. Jonathon Brown from the University of Washington found that people lacking self-esteem take failure personally. They think failure means they aren’t smart, competent or good enough. Successful people understand that failure is about the issue or the technique. It isn’t about them. You can’t be a failure. Failure is an event, not a person. Many of us attach our self-worth to mistakes. This makes no sense. You are not the idea, the performance, the property or the experience. You are the amazing being who will learn and grow from the experience. Failures do not define you. 6. Accept failure as a part of success. Barbara Sher, the author of "Wishcraft," said “If you try and fail, you won’t feel as bad as you think. You’ll gain experience, education, contacts and self-confidence.” All successful people have a history of failures, but they understand failures are the path to experience. Failures makes you stronger and smarter. People who have tried and failed know more than people who never tried. 7. Gain knowledge — knowledge eliminates fear. What skills would make you feel more confident? Sign up for a class to improve those skills. Marie Curie said “Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that (you) may fear less.” 8. Choose to focus on love. The law of the universe says you can feel only one emotion at a time. If you choose to focus on love and serving others, it is impossible to feel fear. How can you make your work about giving to others and not about you? 9. Visualize yourself comfortably handling more responsibility. If you can’t see it, you can’t achieve it. Visualize yourself carrying responsibilities with ease and confidence. This really helps. 10. Don’t blame others. Take full responsibility for what you do and don’t do. This will show you that you’re in control and have the power to create better results. Blame shifts responsibility, but it also shifts power away from you. 11. Cultivate relationships. If you have been a loner because it felt safer this must stop. The road to more success is paved by the valuable relationships you develop in your field. If you aren’t good at this, you may need some executive coaching to work on your communication and relationship skills. 12. Work hard. There are many people who want to be successful, but there are very few who are willing to work hard enough to get it. There is no easy, effortless, short road to real success. They only way is to work hard and not give up until you get there. Do the things others are not willing to do. 13. Create more value than you are paid for. I learned the secret to success from Og Mandino’s famous book "The Greatest Secret in the World." He said the secret is “to render more and better service than is expected of you, no matter what your task may be.” In other words go farther, work harder and provide more value than your employer expects. So few people will do this, you will stand out everywhere you go. 14. Write your story now. Sit down with some paper and imagine yourself old and gray at the end of your life. If you could look back and see yourself now at this time, what do you want this next chapter to look like? Write the story the way you want it to play out. Read this daily. This harnesses the power of intention and you won’t believe how powerful it is. You can do this! Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular coach and speaker. This article was first published on KSL.COM
Question: Every time I get assigned a big, overwhelming or difficult project at work, the same pattern shows up. I want to start working on it and get it done, but I end up putting it off for weeks or even months. I procrastinate until the last minute and then have to rush it. I never do things as well as I wanted to, either. Why do I repeat this pattern every time? How can I stop getting overwhelmed by big projects and feel more confident and get them done earlier? Answer: Most people think procrastination is a time management issues — but it really isn’t. It is a fear problem. (I know some of you still aren’t convinced yet that almost every problem is a fear problem, but it is.) Joseph R. Ferrari, an associate professor of psychology at DePaul University, says, "Telling someone who procrastinates to buy a weekly planner is like telling someone with chronic depression to just cheer up." It’s a little more complicated than that. The real cause of procrastination is a basic, instinctive, subconscious program that has been with us as long as we have existed as a species, it is our fight and flight response to scary things. This subconscious response is obviously necessary for our survival, but it can cause some serious problems in modern-day life. Imagine you were walking down the street and a hungry crocodile came running out of the bushes at you. What would you do immediately without even thinking about it? You would run! You are literally programmed to always run and hide from scary things if you can. If you can’t run or escape, you will fight, but if running or avoiding the scary thing is an option, you will always choose that. This makes sense when we are talking about wild animals. Avoiding these is a good idea, but you have the same subconscious reaction to big, difficult projects. Your first inclination or unconscious reaction is going to be avoid it, hide or run. The question is what are you afraid of? This is the question you must ask yourself every time we feel overwhelmed or catch yourself procrastinating. “What am I really afraid of that is causing this behavior?” The fear is probably based in one of the two core human fears: failure or loss. You may be afraid you won’t do the project well enough and it subconsciously feels safer to avoid it than to try to not do it perfectly. (This is the fear that made me procrastinate publishing my book for six years. I was deathly afraid it wouldn’t be good enough and I would be a failure.) You could also be afraid of losing your reputation, losing the respect of other people or having the failure affect the way others see you, meaning you would lose their friendship or love. When you are overwhelmed with the size of a project, you might be afraid it’s too big and you will never complete it or that it’s just too complex. It might feel safer to put it off and avoid it so you don’t have to find out that you weren’t capable. Here are some suggestions for conquering your fears and making yourself take action:
You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and is a coach and speaker. |
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AuthorKimberly Giles is the president and founder of Claritypoint Life Coaching and 12 SHAPES INC. She is an author and professional speaker. She was named one of the top 20 advice gurus in the country by Good Morning America in 2010. She appears regularly on local and national TV and Radio. Archives
March 2022
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