This article was first published on KSL.COM
Question: I am dealing with some tough challenges including a really difficult job, and the stress is taking a huge toll on my health. I am very discouraged and frustrated and I don’t see things changing anytime soon either. I just really wish I could control my stress level. Do you have any advice for me? Is there anything I can do to feel less buried? Answer: It is a normal part of the human condition to feel stressed and burned out on occasion, and there are definitely things you can do to brighten your outlook, lessen your suffering and lower your stress level. You can do things like get more organized and plan your time better, but I suspect from reading your letter that your real issue isn't a time management issue as much as an attitude issue. I think you would benefit most from understanding human emotion at a different level. One of the most amazing books ever written on dealing with human emotions (in my opinion) is "Letting Go: The pathway to Surrender," by Sir David R. Hawkins, M.D., Ph.D. a nationally renowned psychiatrist. Hawkins says, “The real source of stress is actually internal; it is not external as most people would like to believe. The readiness to react with fear, for instance, depends on how much fear is already present within … to the fearful person the world is a terrifying place. To the angry person the world is a chaos of frustration and vexation. To the guilty person it is a world of temptation and sin. What we are holding inside colors our world.” In other words, we see the world as we are. Circumstances just give us a chance to express what we already have inside us, and most of us have a great deal of fear of failure and loss inside us. We learned this fear from our parents, who probably learned it from their parents, and it probably is driving your attitude toward problems like an autopilot in your subconscious mind. What this means is your circumstances are not the real cause of your stress, fear and discouragement, your reactivity (the way you subconsciously react) to the circumstances is. You subconsciously react to life with fear and stress. This is good news (not bad news) because it means you have power to change the way you react to circumstances. You can change yourself on the inside and that will change how you feel about your life on the outside, even if you can’t change the negative circumstances you are in. The first step to changing how you feel is to understand human emotions in a different way and so you can process them more objectively. Dr. Hawkins created some fascinating charts on emotion and the levels of consciousness you should see. You can download my version of the levels of consciousness charts here. These charts show that there are two main kinds of emotions. The first are fear-based negative emotions that produce unhappiness and suffering, and the second are trust- and love-based emotions that bring peace, joy and clarity. When you live on the lower end of the scale, you tend to have lower energy, poorer relationships and worse health. When you live on the higher end you tend to have more joy, more energy, better relationships and better health. It is interesting to see the range of emotions laid out this way and it will help you to see all emotions as mindset options. It will also remind you that you are in control of your reactions. I keep these charts handy all the time to check myself on. Also remember that you may have a subconscious tendency towards a certain level of consciousness, but you can always consciously choose your way to another. In a specific moment, you can step back from an emotion (like stress, anger or frustration) and look at it objectively and process the thinking behind it. When doing this focus more on the emotion though, than the thoughts. Thoughts are often illogical and can keep you going in circles. If you focus on resolving the emotion, like magic, all the negative thinking that came with it will disappear. Just like a picture is worth a thousand words, an emotion is worth a thousand thoughts. I am going to teach you a simple procedure in this article you can use to help you process emotions, but first you might need to break what you are feeling down into small pieces. Hawkins says you sometimes experience a bunch of emotions at once (especially if we are dealing with a huge issue like the loss of a loved one or big life problems like divorce). If this is the case, you will want to process one small piece at a time. Start with one thing, like feeling that life isn’t fair or the feeling of being overburdened by work. Dr. Hawkins also says you must watch out for the three ways you might subconsciously deal with emotions, if you don’t consciously choose to process them in a healthy way. They are to:
I recommend processing emotions in a healthy way using the procedure below.
This will be an ongoing work to master your subconscious tendencies, but you can get control of yourself and experience more peace, energy and love. Learning to do this might be the main lesson you are on the planet to learn. Just keep working on it. Keep the levels of consciousness charts handy and practice doing what you do today from a state of calm, safety and trust that things will work out. You can do this.
0 Comments
This article was first published on KSL.COM
Question: I have a tendency to let people guilt me into doing things I don’t want to do. My mother for instance. I can’t say no to her or maybe the problem is she won’t accept no. She always comes up with logic to counter everything I say. In the end, I always give in and do what she wants. I am just too nice? Do you have any advice for me? Answer: Your problem is not that you are too nice. Your problem is that you are weak and afraid of what others think of you. This isn’t a “nice” problem, it's a fear problem. You are so afraid of looking bad, mean or selfish that you put other people’s wants and needs ahead of yours. You are overly selfless, and yes that’s a big problem. When you consistently sacrifice yourself for others, everyone ends up happy and liking you, except yourself. The problem is that most of you think you only have two choices when someone asks you to do something you don’t want to do. Option one is to say NO and hurt or disappoint the other person, who then might think less of you (or think you are selfish) which is really terrifying to those of you who already fear you aren’t good enough. This option also feels like you are valuing yourself over the other person, which feels wrong. Option two is to betray yourself (and value the other person more than yourself) and give the other person what they want. This option feels safer because even though you aren’t happy, you are at least assured the other person likes and approves of you. This option feels more righteous and loving, but at the same time it leaves you feeling taken from. The good news is there is a third option (one that many people don’t know exists). Instead of being strong and selfish, or loving and weak, you can learn to be strong and loving at the same time. In this place you accurately value yourself and the other person the same amount. You can clearly see everyone's needs as worthy of being honored, yours and theirs. In this place you strike a healthy balance between standing up for yourself and honoring your needs, and sacrificing to serve, love or give to others. If you want to be emotionally happy and healthy you must have this balance. If you don’t have a healthy balance between giving and receiving there will be problems in your relationships. You may start to resent the people you constantly sacrifice for and they will stop appreciating your sacrifices, because they will take them for granted. You will also have low self-esteem (if you are overly selfless) because you are constantly giving power to the idea that other people are more important than you. In order to fix this tendency to betray yourself, you must embrace some new principles of truth around your value and life. Read the following often: Principle 1: What other people think of me is irrelevant. I am the same me no matter what they think. Their opinion doesn't affect or change my value. I have the same infinite, absolute value whether they like me and my decisions or not. I do not need their approval. I just love them and myself where we are. Principle 2: I teach people how to treat me by how I treat myself. I honor my own needs because I want other people to honor them. If I always put others' needs first, I am literally teaching them that my needs are not important. I believe all human beings have the same value and we are all equally important. Principle 3: If I disrespect myself and allow people to push me around, they won’t respect me. Weakness is never respected. I may think my sacrifice and love will win their approval, but do I really want approval at the cost of respect? In the end, I will create what I feared. Even though I give them their way, they will think less of me anyway. If I make sure my own needs are met, people will respect me for it. Principle 4: It is not selfish to take care of my own needs. The Bible says to love your neighbor “as” yourself, not “instead” of yourself. This means I am just as valuable and important as everyone else. When I honor my own needs I demonstrate to the world that all people deserve to be honored and respected. No one is more important than anyone else. My needs and wants should take precedence over others about half the time. This is not selfish, it’s healthy. Principle 5: If I don’t love myself first, I am not really capable of giving love to others. If I don't value myself, I basically have an empty bucket, which makes me needy all the time. From this place I really have nothing to give others. When I give to others from this place, my gifts have strings attached because I need something (approval) back. From this place all my loving behavior is driven by my need to get validation. That is not love. Real love can only happen when I experience the same amount of love for myself as I feel toward the other person. When I love myself I can give from a full bucket and people will feel this and appreciate my gifts much more. Using these principles of truth to guide you, I recommend that you redefine your boundaries and write some rules for yourself about when you are going to say YES and when you are going to say NO. Here is an example: I give to others often, I also say NO to other people’s requests if doing what they want would: — Make me resent them for asking — Make me feel taken from — Force me to miss something that’s important to me — Push me over the edge of sanity. This is the loving thing for all concerned. I do not need to hold fear around how others will feel when I say no. I know it is the right thing for me, and that is enough. I will tell them with love that I can’t do it (without having to explain why). In the end, they will respect me for my strength and love. Taking the time to write on paper exactly how you are going to feel and behave the next time your mother tries to guilt you into giving in will really help. If she won't take your loving no for an answer, say, “Mom, is there anything else I could do to show you I love and respect you, if I can’t do this?” See if there is another way to show her you love her — something that works for you. It is really hard when you have someone in your life who is overly selfish and doesn’t honor your needs, and there may be times you have to let her be mad at you and process her frustration. She is the one choosing to be bothered, and that isn't any of your business. Let her be mad without letting it affect your self-esteem. Remember that just because she is choosing to feel upset, doesn’t mean you were wrong to say NO. Her opinion and feelings don’t affect your value. If you really struggle with this problem, I would highly recommend seeking out some professional help with fear and rebuilding self-esteem. It would make a big difference. You can do this. This article was first published on KSL.com
Question: I have trouble with my emotions getting out of control. I can get angry and blow up at people. I also get offended sometimes and hold onto it for weeks. I am a good person, and I care deeply about my family and friends, but I admit that sometimes I don’t really care about other people. I’ve been told I have a hard heart, and it hurts to hear that because I don’t mean to. I think I inherited these tendencies from my dad and they are deeply ingrained. Is there a way to change them? Answer: Yes, you can change your inherited programming, but it will take some time and work. You may even want some professional help with it. It would make the process faster, but you can learn to use conscious choice to soften your heart and get it more emotionally healthy. Since it is Heart Health Month (February) I’d like to give you some advice on developing a more emotionally healthy heart. We read a great deal about how emotions can affect our health, but did you know that people who are emotionally heart healthy (compassionate, calm and balanced) have better relationships, more success and generally live longer? They do. Here are six steps to improve your emotional heart health:
You can literally practice being mindful, grateful, flexible, tolerate and compassionate. Just set an intention to work on one each day. You will be amazed at the happiness they create. You can do this. This article was first published on KSL.COM
Question: I read your News Year’s article about all people having the same value, but I frankly disagree. People who hurt others, destroy property or cause trouble are bad people and those who work hard and do right things are good people. I also disagree with those who want to give a trophy to every kid, so no one loses or feels bad, and I think you are in that camp saying that virtuous choices don’t mean anything and we should all be treated the same regardless of our behavior. How can I teach my children to be good people if they have the same value either way? Answer: Let me explain my philosophy a different way and see if it makes more sense. There are definitely human beings who behave in a more responsible, mature, kind, law-abiding (conscientious) way than others, but are they intrinsically of more worth than other people? I personally would classify them as "more conscientious beings," not as having “more intrinsic value.” Can you see the difference? I believe there are basically two mindset options when it comes to seeing the value of people.
This doesn't mean we trust everyone or want to hang out with everyone — but it does mean we respect everyone. Let me explain this using the sports analogy you mentioned, because I agree with you that the winners should get the trophies. Having winners and losers in a game is healthy and teaches kids to work hard and roll with the punches in life, but they should also be taught that winning doesn’t make you intrinsically better than the losers. It just means you worked harder, were blessed with more athletic ability, or had parents who spent more time practicing with you. That is why you won, but winning does not make you more deserving of respect or kindness. You still have the same intrinsic value as the losers. Your hard work and conscientiousness will pay off and benefit you in life, but your virtuous behavior does not make other people less than you. They are just "less conscientious" than you. They are in a different place in their journey. It is really important that children learn this correctly, because if they start thinking that those who win are better than those who lose, this can bleed over into seeing people who are different from them as less than them. It is a short jump from seeing the T-ball team that lost as less than you, to seeing those of a different color, or who live in a different neighborhood, or who go to a different church, as less than you. I think when you said you wanted to teach your children to be "good people" you weren’t talking about their value being higher than others, you were talking about them being conscientious, responsible, kind people who are driven by moral values and principles. This is something it would serve all of us to work on and teach our children, but it doesn’t involve being better than anyone else. It is about virtues and principles — not value and worth. We must work on being good people without looking down on people who aren’t working on it yet. That is the trick. Here are some rules for being a conscientious human to practice and teach your children:
In my New Year’s article I talked about changing yourself and changing the world. I still believe you are either part of the solution or you’re part of the problem, and the problems on this planet won’t be solved by pointing fingers at others. They will be solved by working on YOU — the only person you have any control over. Robert S. Hartman said, “The good takes time; one cannot be good in a hurry. … This is why peace will not come through so-called strong men. They look for easy and fast solutions. It will come through men of patience, compassion and humility — men of faith.” You are the solution and you can do this! Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a coach and speaker. This was first published on KSL.com
Question: My husband and I have been married for almost 30 years and we are now empty nesters. I thought by now we would be enjoying our relationship more than ever, but that is not the case. He is being treated by our family doctor for some minor depression, but it doesn't seem to be helping and he refuses to see a psychiatrist or even a psychologist. He literally is refusing to do anything and is just unhappy all the time. I am truly at my wits end. I want him to get better and be happy but he seems to want to stay unhappy. Do you have any advice? Answer: I have written other articles addressing depression, so I’m not going to do that in this one. I do highly recommend that anyone suffering from depression get professional help with it. I’m not sure if your husband is battling chemical depression from your letter, but I’m going to assume, in this case, that there are other contributing factors to his unhappiness, things which he could have some control over. There are three main reasons that people create unhappiness either consciously or subconsciously, which are not related to depression. When someone is not interested in getting help, or is still unhappy after getting help, one of these three causes of unhappiness might also be in play. Here are the three mains causes of unhappiness (they show up to some degree in everyone):
The truth for most of us is that our unhappiness is self-inflicted. What I mean is most of the time being unhappy is an option, but it isn’t your only option. You could choose a trusting, peaceful, optimistic happy mindset in this moment if you wanted to. (Obviously I am not talking about chemical depression or times when a loved one dies or other difficult challenges befall you. I am talking about in your normal day-to-day life.) I learned this truth from studying the work of Viktor Frankl, who survived the Jewish concentration camps in World War II and wrote the book “Man’s Search for Meaning.” He found that even in the most difficult circumstances he had the power (the last of the human freedoms, he called it) to choose his attitude. I believe this is truth, and understanding this principle is the first step to experiencing or creating more happiness in your life. No matter how bad today is, you have the power to overcome these three causes of unhappiness and choose gratitude, trust, love, optimism and even joy. Here are some suggestions that might help you choose more happiness:
This is a personal decision each person must make by and for themselves in every moment. You cannot push your husband into happiness. He must want it and choose it. See if he would be open to reading this article and even more importantly see if he would be open to getting some help. Most of us need a little professional guidance to get control of our subconscious programs and change ourselves — but he can do it and you can too. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a coach and speaker. This article was first published on ksl.com
Question: Over and over everywhere I work, I end up being unappreciated, taken for granted and mistreated. It’s getting ridiculous that no one appreciates what I do and they seem to find fault in me even though I’m going beyond and above the call of duty. Things always start out good, but soon I can feel that they don’t like me and for some unexplained reason are holding me back, not giving me what others are getting or not supporting me. The more upset I get at this treatment the worse things go. I’m not sure if you can give me advice on this but I thought I’d ask. Answer: Whenever an experience shows up in your life repeatedly, you must start asking two questions. 1) What is this experience here to teach me? 2) How am I creating this and responsible for it? It is much easier to continue to blame the problem on everyone else, but if you do, you will never get off this merry-go-round and the lesson will keep repeating. Life is a classroom, and you are here to learn. If the lesson keeps coming back, it is because you haven’t got it yet. I believe you are here in the classroom of life to learn one main lesson (and a whole lot of smaller ones). The main lesson is to get control over yourself so you have the power to become the best you and choose love over fear in every situation. Every lesson is, at its core, about learning to love God, life, yourself and other people. This experience is no exception. From reading your whole letter, it looks like you are afraid of failure and loss. You are afraid of not being appreciated everywhere you work, because you are probably subconsciously afraid you aren’t good enough (the fear of failure). You are afraid of being mistreated because you are subconsciously afraid that you will not get the life you want and that life is unfair (the fear of loss). Both of these fears create bad energy that other people can feel from you. All they feel is neediness, selfishness, anger and entitlement coming from you. I’m not saying you are any of these things — but this is what other people feel when you are in fear of failure or loss. Does that make sense? The bottom line is your fear is making you look bad. This is what fear does, especially in the workplace. Think of it this way, fear is the opposite of confidence, peace, energy, security, giving and serving. People who show up at work with love energy (something they can only have if they aren’t afraid) are seen as having those qualities. People are naturally drawn to these people and they are appreciated and treated well. People who are scared they aren’t going to be liked or treated right show up with scarcity, selfish, insecure, needy energy that pushes people away from them. This is just universal law. The more unappreciated energy you bring into your situation, the more unappreciated you will be. You will get what you are creating. You are responsible for these result because you are choosing the experience subconsciously. This may take some thinking to get your head around it — but it is very important that you own the responsibility for creating your current situation. It is the only way you will have the power to create something different. If you don’t own the problem, you can’t fix it. If you give ownership to others by blaming them and casting them as the bad guy, expecting them to change and give you what you want, you are giving away your power. Everyone reading this article should take a minute and think about destructive patterns showing up in your life over and over. Have you had health problems your whole life, relationship problems, people problems? Can you see a pattern of feeling a certain way in all of the experiences? Can you sum it up in one sentence? I always feel _____________? Can you see a fear behind it? Is it tied to failure, or not feeling good enough or loved? Or is it more about being mistreated or taken from? Are you tired of it? The good news is you are in the driver's seat of your life. If you want to create different results, you are going to have to choose to see yourself and your life differently. You are going to need to choose a trust and love attitude towards your value and your journey — and I promise you can turn this whole thing around. (I’m going to give you some instructions on how, but you may the need the support of a professional to hold you accountable and help you make these changes to your subconscious programming.) You must choose to trust that you are good enough all the time. Life is a classroom, not a test, and therefore every mistake is a lesson that does not affect your value. Your value as a person is infinite and absolute because you are a one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable human soul who is here to learn. This means you do not need appreciation from anyone to validate your worth. Your sense of worth must come from within so you aren’t needy. As you practice internalizing this real truth about your value, you will become more peaceful, secure, happy and loving. You will then be able to show up for others with no strings attached and give gifts of service to others (even at work) without needing appreciation in return. The people you work with will feel this. They will know that you need nothing and they will start to appreciate you. I know it sounds counter-intutive that in order to get appreciated you must stop needing appreciation — but that is how it works. You must also choose to trust that your life is providing the perfect classroom journey for you. So if you are mistreated, it is just a lesson. It is not about your value. It is about giving you a chance to experience the situation and learn something about love from it. This situation may be about learning to forgive others for not being perfect, because in doing so you will also learn to love yourself more fully. It might be about learning how to choose a happy state even when things go wrong, or to trust God more fully, or to let go of your expectations and trust the universe that it knows what it’s doing. When you let go of needing this situation to meet your expectations, trust the process of life, and choose to be happy where you are, you will show up strong, confident, capable and solid. People will respect this and they will treat you better. You must stop the neediness for better treatment in order to feel happy and be treated better. (There are some situations, though, where your perfect lesson might be about getting strong enough to leave, but you must even do this in trust and love without any anger or victim energy, fully grounded in love and forgiveness, if you want to stop the cycle.) This is going to be a battle to change your subconscious programming and stop the destructive cycle, but the answer is simple, it just takes work, awareness and practice to master. The best time to start working on it is today. (It is hard to get this kind of complex principle from one article. You may want to read my book "Choosing Clarity" to learn more about it.) Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a coach and speaker. This article was first published on KSL.com
Questions: 1) For the past several years my wife has acted like I have horrible cooties. She pulls away from any touch, sometimes gives me "the look" that she is annoyed when I tell her I love her. It hurts so much when she refuses to allow me to show any physical affection or love and I'm not talking about the S word. I gave up on that long ago. I would be happy with a cuddle or a hug or even a pat on the back. I love my wife and I am committed to her and sticking with her, but this situation hurts. Any advice? 2) I am suffering with grief and discouragement because my wife refuses to have physical intimacy with me. I cannot be happy in life without this. I want my life to include being with someone who loves me and wants me. I am considering leaving her because I believe I have the right to be happy, even though it will cause issues with our grown children. This is the most difficult decision of my life. Am I right that I deserve happiness and if she refuses to be loving towards me, I have the right to leave? Answer: I decided to answer these two questions together because though one person has decided to stay in their marriage and one is deciding to leave — what they are both seeking (happiness) is the same and the answer to gaining this happiness is also the same. (I would ask readers on the comment boards to be compassionate towards these people and their situations and honor their right to follow their own hearts about what is right for them. I appreciate you not judging them for their choices.) I wrote a recent article on creating more intimacy in marriage if you are interested in that. It is important and we should try to fix this important part of a good relationship. But this article is going to address how to be happy when life disappoints you and I believe this may be one of the most important articles I’ve ever written. I hope everyone will read it, share it and ponder the truth of the principles behind it. When you understood these principles you will be able to choose happiness in any situation of life. Here are five important universal principles about the nature of life: Principle 1: It is the nature of the universe that everything changes. Every misery, problem, blessing and joy is impermanent. They come and go, ebb and flow. In every situation you can accurately say “this too will pass” because though some situation take longer to change, everything eventually changes. You can see the truth of this in nature, the seasons and in life and death. Principle 2: In every moment there will be things in your life that you don’t like and wish weren’t there. You may have health problems, financial problems, a leaky roof, a mean neighbor, or a wife who is struggling with love. You can experience a great deal of aversion towards these horrible things and their presence in your life. You can create feelings of misery, anger or self-pity. Your disappointment and frustration towards these less than ideal circumstances can create suffering. Principle 3: In every moment of your life there are things you want but don’t have. You can have intense and painful cravings for these missing things. You may have an urge to shop and buy things to feel better, drink alcohol, take drugs, you may obsess over clothes, your house or hobbies, you may watch too much television or overeat. You may ache because you want a child, to be married or have a better marriage to someone who is more affectionate. All of this can lead to craving, which creates misery and suffering. Principle 4: In every moment of your life there are great things you do have in your life and are glad you have. You may take these things for granted, though, until you lose them. When you experience loss, your perspective often shifts and you realize how grateful you were for the blessing. There are countless good things to be grateful for every moment of your life. Principle 5: In every moment of your life there are bad things that are not in your life, which you are also grateful for. These are often taken for granted until they happen to someone near you. This causes your perspective to shift and you realize how grateful you are not to have that in your life. When we put these five principles together it gives us what I call “The Law of the Nature of Life.” It says everything is impermanent and changing, always shifting between these four categories every day, but all four categories always exist in one’s life — all the time. Your misery or happiness is based on your focus and how you choose to see, feel and think about your life as it is. This is the one critically important secret of happiness: You are causing your suffering with your craving and aversion towards "what is." You can end your misery right now with a shift in your perspective. You can choose gratitude and happiness in this moment. I know in moments of intense suffering and heartache it is hard to accept this idea. You will want to believe your circumstances are responsible for your misery. You will want to be a victim of the situation, but this doesn’t change the truth. You get to decide how happy each moment will be. Your life will never be perfect. There will always be problems, but you can focus on what’s right in your life and understand that everything is here for a perfect reason to help you learn and grow. Life is a classroom and every experience is here to educate you and teach you love. To the first man who has decided to stay in his marriage even though it is painful and difficult, this is my advice: If you want relief from suffering, you will have to focus on what you do have. You must decide to be grateful and happy as things are and refuse to dwell in misery, craving or aversion. It is not easy to do, though. I’m battling chronic health issues myself that I wish I didn’t have, and it is a battle night and day to choose happiness over misery, but I promise you — you have the power to do this. As you practice this you will also show up less needy and more confident around your wife. You will be able to give acts of service to her without any strings attached. There is a chance this change in you could change the environment in your marriage, but you can’t start craving this outcome. You must let go of needing or expecting it to be better and be happy now. I find that ViPassana meditation really helps me, and you may want to work with a coach or counselor who can help you learn to control your thinking. There is also a new worksheet on my website that shows the nature of life and helps you inventory your situation daily and choose gratitude. To the second man who is thinking about leaving his wife: I would recommend that you work on shifting your perspective and learning to be happy now before you make the choice to leave. If you don’t learn how to be grateful and happy in this moment, you may find yourself in a new situation (which will still have something missing because that is the nature of life) and you may still be unhappy. If you would work on choosing happiness now, it will do one of two things. It will either create more love in your marriage or you will still know that leaving is right for you, but you will leave with the skills to create happiness wherever you end up. There are obviously periods of situational suffering and misery in life where you are entitled to some disappointment, grief, misery and pain — and it is OK and normal to experience this. You should feel unhappy, mourn, have a pity-party and feel a sense of loss, but you shouldn't live there. Understanding the true nature of life and learning to focus on the blessings will help you to accept situations you can’t change and choose to be happy anyway. Buddha said, “Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.” He meant that your situation does not determine your happiness. The way you choose to think and feel about life does. You have the power to be at peace right now. I know this is a hard one — but you can do it. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a coach and speaker. First Published on KSL.COMQuestion:
Life is not a happy place in our home right now. Our marriage is not great, I’m struggling at work and I can’t say that I even felt a shred of happiness all week. Do you have any suggestions when someone is just unhappy with life in general? Answer: Tony Robbins says there are six basic needs you must have to feel happy and fulfilled in life. They are:
You cannot wait for life to change. That would take too long and it is largely out of your control. So, you must focus on the one thing that is in your control — your perspective. You always have the power to choose how you feel in this moment, and your perspective will create your experience. Most people think their reality creates their experience. They think reality forces them to feel a certain way, but it isn’t true. You get to decide how you are going to experience every moment. It is your decisions, not your conditions, that determine your happiness. If you are currently unhappy, then it is time to change your mindset and start choosing to experience certainty, uncertainty, significance, love, growth and contribution. I’m going to tell you exactly how to do this. Then you will need to practice these choices until the concepts cement into your subconscious thinking. 1) Change how you see yourself. (Read this out loud now) I choose to see my value with certainty and my significance as a given. I am a one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable, amazing, divine, human soul and there will never be another me. This makes me infinitely valuable and absolutely significant. My value is never in question and cannot change. I am a student in the classroom of life. I am here to learn and grow, but this is not a test, so I cannot fail. I am always good enough, even though I have more to learn. My value is certain and I have nothing to fear. 2) Change how you see your life. (Read this out loud now) I choose to see life as uncertain but with a purpose. That purpose is growth and my learning to love and contribute. I believe life is a surprising adventure because it has to be that way to facilitate growth. Every experience that shows up in my life is an opportunity to learn something, practice trust or become more loving. Every offense, every challenge and every disappointment is there to help me become a better version of myself. Life is uncertain but everything serves me in some way, so I have nothing to fear. 3) Change how you see your mistakes. (Read this out loud now) Life is a classroom, not a test. This means mistakes don’t diminish my value. A mistake is just a learning experience and I must embrace the lesson, make amends where I can, then let it go. I am here to learn love and forgiveness even toward myself. My mistakes do not affect my value and they make me wiser. I have nothing to fear. 4) Change how you see your body. (Read this out loud now) My body is no more “me” than the shirt I am wearing. My genetics are a class I got signed up for here and though they are creating interesting lessons in my life, my body isn’t who I am. My love is who I am. I am wise and take care of my body (like I would my car) because it is the only one I get, but I don’t identify myself by it. Instead of trying to impress people with my appearance, I go get them with my love. My love can bring all goodness to me. I have nothing to fear. 5) Change how you see money. (Read this out loud now) Money is not the scorecard of my worth. If I see money as the scorecard, it will create a scarcity mindset. Instead, I see money as a resource that helps to facilitate my growth and contributions to the world, but is a resource that is always coming in and going out. I see it like the waves of the ocean, which ebb and flow, but are nothing to fear because they always come back in. I have an abundance mentality around money and trust I will always have all I need and more. There is nothing to fear. (Download theMoney Fear Worksheet from my website if this is a big issue for you.) 6) Change how you see your relationship. (Read this out loud now) The biggest misconception people have about love is they think love is something to get. This is inaccurate. The only love I will ever have is the love I have to give. I forgive my partner on a daily basis for their faults, flaws and fears, which make them incapable of giving love to me. I choose to focus on giving love, not getting it. (Unless this is an abuse situation where leaving may be the more loving choice for all involved.) I understand that my being more loving is the magic that will create the happiness I seek. Tony Robbins says, “Only those who have learned the power of sincere and selfless contribution experience life's deepest joy: true fulfillment.” I promise if you will choose a more accurate mindset, make a bigger commitment to love, connect and contribute to those around you, while understanding your value is certain, even though the journey isn’t — you will experience amazing growth and feel happier. You can do this! Question:
My husband is struggling at work and, frankly, everywhere else. He is constantly bothered by things people say and do. He is always afraid his performance isn’t good enough. His self-esteem isn’t good and he is almost always frustrated and offended by something. He seems to have lost himself and in some ways he is giving up. I don’t know if there is anything I can do to help him (or advice you could really give me) but I thought it worth a try. I’d do anything to see him happier. Answer: He has fallen into fear and drifting and doesn’t know how to get himself out. This happens to most of us at some point in our life. You may be in an unhappy marriage, but not doing much to change it or fix it. Instead you might be living around each other, carrying years of resentment and being slightly passive aggressive. You may be in fear at work, doing just enough to get by, but not going anywhere. You may be just generally unhappy with yourself and life, but can’t see a way to change it. I call this state — stuck in fear drifting. I got that term from Napoleon Hill and his amazing book "Outwitting the Devil." He says that drifters are the people who dwell in fear and neglect to use their minds to choose their way out. He explains that drifters let other people and situations influence their emotions and they mindlessly react to life with the same old patterns over and over. He claims that 98 percent of us fall into that category. “People who think for themselves never drift, while those who do little or no thinking for themselves are drifters. A drifter is one who permits himself to be influenced and controlled by circumstances outside of his own mind… A drifter accepts whatever life throws in his way without making a protest or putting up a fight. He doesn’t know what he wants from life and spends all of his time getting just that.” “People who think accurately do not drift on any subject. They recognize the power of their own minds. Moreover, they take over that power and yield it to no person or influence” says Hill. Everyone experiences hard times, failures, embarrassments and mistakes. They are part of the classroom of life, but drifters let those disappointments and failures stop them. They let the fear of failure (the fear of not being good enough) convince them it’s safer to stop trying, stretching and shooting high, that it’s safer to pull back and stay where you are. When you set your sights high you are usually disappointed and you could embarrass yourself. Take a minute and honestly assess if you are making plans and setting goals to get what you want out of life — or just drifting through? Napoleon Hill also wrote the famous book, "Think and Grow Rich," one of the bestsellers of all time. In this book he lays out his research on creating success in life. One of the amazing things he discovered interviewing the most successful people of his day was that all of them had experienced great failures and set-backs. Every one without exception had experienced discouraging losses. The difference was their “capacity to surmount failure without being discouraged.” This was “the chief asset of every man who attained outstanding success in any calling.” These people learned to use their minds to choose how they were going to experience those setbacks. They understood they had control over how those failures affected their value and what losses meant. They learned how to see themselves, other people and situations accurately (without fear of not being good enough in the way). They were people with defined purpose who set goals, believed in themselves and didn’t let any situation or person stop them. They understood the classroom of life gives you problems, but it also provides solutions. Hill said, “There is a solution for every legitimate problem no matter how difficult the problem may seem.” But the solution won’t just be handed to you. You are going to have to fight, work, learn and stretch to find it. The important point though is that it is there — and you are meant to find it. The universe doesn’t want you to stay stuck and unhappy — ever. It wants you to learn and grow and change your life. Answers and solutions to your problems are available right now! Here are some suggestions for breaking free from drifting:
If you are having trouble with how to choose them, you may want to find a coach or counselor to help you. I would also highly recommend reading Napoleon Hills books, "Outwitting the Devil" and "Think and Grow Rich." You can do this! Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book CHOOSING CLARITY: The Path to Fearlessness. She offers free coaching calls every Tuesday night. Question:
My spouse and I have struggled with marriage problems for years and years. I have begged to go to therapy or counseling but my spouse refuses to let anyone know we are struggling and not perfect. It’s like she would rather get divorced than admit we need help. What can I do? Why are people so reluctant to ask for help? Answer: I’m so glad you asked this question. Just last week, Matt Townsend and I were discussing why so many couples wait until their marriages are hanging by a thread before they seek professional help. At this point awful things have been said and done, and it’s much more difficult to repair the relationship. It breaks our hearts that they don’t ask for help sooner. If you would seek out help at the first sign of trouble, repairing the relationship would be a hundred times easier and you could save yourself years of suffering. If you didn't do that, the best time to ask for help is today. Ask your spouse if she would be open to at least read this article and consider changing her mind. People are reluctant to admit they need help because somewhere in the course of their life they picked up an inaccurate idea (policy) around what it means to ask for help. Here are some common fear-based policies they might have learned in childhood. See if any of them sound familiar:
Refusing to ask for help can also create isolation and make you come across as arrogant. You are literally putting yourself above other people (the mere mortals who need help from other people). You are giving power to the idea that we should all be perfect from the beginning instead of struggling students in the classroom of life. The truth is, we are students in the classroom of life. We are works in progress who at no point are ever going to be perfect and have it all figured out and not need any help from anyone else. There is no such thing as independence. We are all interdependent here. We all serve each other as teachers and students. There is no shame in being the student on occasion. It is what you are meant to be. Learning is what you are here for. Have I shared with you my favorite definition for the word SHAME? It is an acronym — Should Have Already Mastered Everything. How ridiculous is that? You can’t know everything and be an expert at every dimension of living. That isn't possible. You must learn to be honest, genuine and vulnerable and admit you need help once in awhile. You must also remember that doing this does not affect your value. Your value is infinite and absolute (it is not changeable or on the line because life is a classroom, not a test). This means that whether you ask for help or not, your value is the same. When you really understand this principle, it will take the fear of looking bad off the table. You will stop worrying about what others think and focus on learning and growing instead. What you really want is to be a strong, wise person, right? But strong, wise people aren’t those who are trying to impress others with their perfectness. People who are trying to impress are actually terribly afraid they aren’t good enough, which is why they feel they have to impress. They think they must pretend to be perfect to even have value. Real strong and wise people don’t need to pretend anything because they know their value is infinite either way. Real strong, wise people are basically fearless. This means they have no fear of doing anything (or at least they know how to choose this mindset in any situation), which means they can ask for help, be vulnerable and even look stupid, and none of these experiences change how they feel about themselves. Their value is the same regardless of what anyone thinks of them. Strong people ask for help because they understand that in being real enough to admit they don’t know it all, they give other people permission to be imperfect (and still have infinite value) too. They make other people feel more accepted and honored despite their faults. We all like people who are genuine and not trying to impress us. Asking for help in front of your children is the only way to teach your children they have nothing to fear by asking questions and admitting they didn’t know it all. And this is a lesson you want your children to learn. Don’t pass on inaccurate fear-based policies to your kids. Here are some ways you can ease into asking for help (and being more strong and wise):
You can do it! Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "CHOOSING CLARITY: The Path to Fearlessness." She offers free coaching calls every Tuesday night. |
Visit https://linktr.ee/kimgiles and Claritypointcoaching.com FOR MORE FREE RESOURCES Coaching is less expensive than you think - If you need help we can find you a coach you can afford. Call Tiffany 801-201-8315 Categories
All
AuthorKimberly Giles is the president and founder of Claritypoint Life Coaching and 12 SHAPES INC. She is an author and professional speaker. She was named one of the top 20 advice gurus in the country by Good Morning America in 2010. She appears regularly on local and national TV and Radio. Archives
March 2022
|
Proudly powered by Weebly