Question:
My spouse and I have struggled with marriage problems for years and years. I have begged to go to therapy or counseling but my spouse refuses to let anyone know we are struggling and not perfect. It’s like she would rather get divorced than admit we need help. What can I do? Why are people so reluctant to ask for help? Answer: I’m so glad you asked this question. Just last week, Matt Townsend and I were discussing why so many couples wait until their marriages are hanging by a thread before they seek professional help. At this point awful things have been said and done, and it’s much more difficult to repair the relationship. It breaks our hearts that they don’t ask for help sooner. If you would seek out help at the first sign of trouble, repairing the relationship would be a hundred times easier and you could save yourself years of suffering. If you didn't do that, the best time to ask for help is today. Ask your spouse if she would be open to at least read this article and consider changing her mind. People are reluctant to admit they need help because somewhere in the course of their life they picked up an inaccurate idea (policy) around what it means to ask for help. Here are some common fear-based policies they might have learned in childhood. See if any of them sound familiar:
Refusing to ask for help can also create isolation and make you come across as arrogant. You are literally putting yourself above other people (the mere mortals who need help from other people). You are giving power to the idea that we should all be perfect from the beginning instead of struggling students in the classroom of life. The truth is, we are students in the classroom of life. We are works in progress who at no point are ever going to be perfect and have it all figured out and not need any help from anyone else. There is no such thing as independence. We are all interdependent here. We all serve each other as teachers and students. There is no shame in being the student on occasion. It is what you are meant to be. Learning is what you are here for. Have I shared with you my favorite definition for the word SHAME? It is an acronym — Should Have Already Mastered Everything. How ridiculous is that? You can’t know everything and be an expert at every dimension of living. That isn't possible. You must learn to be honest, genuine and vulnerable and admit you need help once in awhile. You must also remember that doing this does not affect your value. Your value is infinite and absolute (it is not changeable or on the line because life is a classroom, not a test). This means that whether you ask for help or not, your value is the same. When you really understand this principle, it will take the fear of looking bad off the table. You will stop worrying about what others think and focus on learning and growing instead. What you really want is to be a strong, wise person, right? But strong, wise people aren’t those who are trying to impress others with their perfectness. People who are trying to impress are actually terribly afraid they aren’t good enough, which is why they feel they have to impress. They think they must pretend to be perfect to even have value. Real strong and wise people don’t need to pretend anything because they know their value is infinite either way. Real strong, wise people are basically fearless. This means they have no fear of doing anything (or at least they know how to choose this mindset in any situation), which means they can ask for help, be vulnerable and even look stupid, and none of these experiences change how they feel about themselves. Their value is the same regardless of what anyone thinks of them. Strong people ask for help because they understand that in being real enough to admit they don’t know it all, they give other people permission to be imperfect (and still have infinite value) too. They make other people feel more accepted and honored despite their faults. We all like people who are genuine and not trying to impress us. Asking for help in front of your children is the only way to teach your children they have nothing to fear by asking questions and admitting they didn’t know it all. And this is a lesson you want your children to learn. Don’t pass on inaccurate fear-based policies to your kids. Here are some ways you can ease into asking for help (and being more strong and wise):
You can do it! Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "CHOOSING CLARITY: The Path to Fearlessness." She offers free coaching calls every Tuesday night.
0 Comments
Question:
I want to make some changes and improve myself this year. If you could recommend one thing (I could work on) that would have the greatest impact in my life, what would it be? Answer: I answered this same question in January 2013 and my answer was to improve your communication skills, thereby improving your relationships at home and work. You can read that article here. Improving your relationships will make a huge difference, but I would like to re-address the best way to do that. I now believe, after a year of personal growth myself, the best resolution you could possibly make (that would have the greatest impact on the quality of your life) is to forgive yourself and others. Forgiveness is the key to happiness. Think about what you really want most. Do you want peace, confidence or happiness? Do you want a better marriage, a greater sense of self-worth, a sense of safety and security, or just some hope? Forgiveness will give you everything you want. Forgiveness is not easy, though, and I am not going to make light of the horrible things people have done to you. I know firsthand how difficult it is to let go of these grievances, but you must do it if you want peace, self-esteem and joy. To make forgiving easier I am going to teach you some principles that will help you look at these situations from a fresh perspective. Principle 1: You alone are responsible for the pain you are experiencing. No situation can cause you pain, because your thoughts about the situation are in your control. No one can take away your peace or give you peace. You alone have that power. If you struggle to understand this principle, read my article about choosing to be upset. You have the power to choose peace, joy and confidence. You cannot be hurt or diminished unless you choose to be. Principle 2: You cannot be diminished because your value is infinite and absolute. Whatever mistakes you have made, they don’t change your value. Your value cannot change because life is a classroom, not a test — and your value isn't on the line. You are always perfect as you are, where you are, right now in your journey of learning and growing — and so is everyone else. At least you have the option of seeing people this way if you want to. If you hold onto anger and the right to condemn others because you think you must do this to defend yourself, you are actually giving power to the idea that you can be hurt or diminished. You are choosing to see yourself as vulnerable and thereby giving people power to hurt you. When you see yourself as bulletproof, you let attacks roll off because they have no power. Principle 3: Life is a classroom and every offense or mistake experience is here to teach you something. Every situation that shows up in your life is there to teach you to forgive and love at a deeper level. We know this because learning to love is why you are here. When you make a mistake you should learn from it, then forgive yourself and let it go. When someone else does, you point it out in a loving way so they can learn, then forgive and let it go. (Just FYI, your spouse and children will be your greatest teachers. Your family is your primary forgiveness classroom. When you see your family life this way, you will finally be seeing it accurately. Every fight or disappointment is a chance to practice and all marriage problems are forgiveness issues.) Principle 4: Real forgiveness means seeing yourself and other people accurately — as innocent, completely forgiven, struggling, scared, messed up, but perfect students in the classroom of life, with lots still to learn. Forgiving does not mean seeing these people as guilty and condemning them for their mistakes, and then trying to pardon them because you know you should. If you try to forgive this way it will never happen. You will still be hung up on the fact that they don’t deserve it. Forgiveness cannot be a gift undeserved, because that mindset is still wrapped up in judgment. Real forgiveness only happens when you let go of judgment. Real forgiveness happens when you understand that perfect love has already forgiven all the wrongs, pain, and hurt on both sides anyway. It is about understanding that the entire past has already been wiped clean of all fear-based behavior and every moment is a chance to start over and do better. We are all scared, struggling students in the classroom of life, doing the best we can with what we know — and more learning, love, wisdom and understanding will come to all of us eventually. We will figure out what we did wrong and why. In the meantime, we must give each other permission to be a student who is still learning. We must not crucify each other for every mistake or fault. Real forgiveness is about giving the gift of innocence to others because you want it for yourself. It is about understanding that you get what you give. The key to forgiveness lies in one very simple choice that you must make over and over, every moment of your life, and it is a simple choice because there are only two options: 1. You can live in judgment of yourself and others, condemning and crucifying yourself and others for every mistake. But if you choose this, it will also mean experiencing guilt, pain, self-pity, anger and low self-esteem. This happens because when you choose a judgment mindset toward others, you will also feel subconsciously judged and suffer from a fear of not being good enough. If you want to escape that fear, you must choose option two. 2. You can choose to forgive yourself and other people, and let go of every misconceived, stupid, selfish, fear-based mistake either of you has ever made. You can choose to see these mistakes for what they really were — bad behavior born of fear, confusion, self-doubt, and lack of knowledge. You can choose to see everyone as innocent and forgiven by perfect love, and in doing so let them and yourself start over with a clean slate every day. If you choose this mindset you will feel safe, loved, whole and good enough all the time, no matter what you do. How do you want to live? (You should not put up with mistreatment or abuse though. You should ask other people to honor your value the same way you will honor theirs. If someone refuses to do this, you may choose to love them from afar and not maintain a relationship with them, but you must still see them accurately and forgive them, if you want peace.) If you struggle with forgiveness, I encourage you to work with a counselor or coach this year who can help you battle the issues that make forgiveness difficult. I also have some forgiveness worksheets on my website that may help. You may also want to follow me on Facebook or Twitter this year. Starting Jan. 1, 2014 I will be posting daily lessons from the “Course in Miracles.” Practicing these simple lessons will change the way you see yourself and your life forever and help you to escape fear. You can do this! Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought-after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in eliminating drama in the workplace. She offers free coaching calls every Tuesday night. If you want to have a happy and successful life, you must be good at relationships. The core issue that determines the quality of your relationships is your ability to communicate.
If I could recommend one change this year (that would change everything else), it would be to improve the quality of your communication with others. If you could learn to communicate with love, making others feel respected and honored in every conversation, you would change your relationships in a profound way and you would have a better marriage, better friendships and do better at work. Here are nine suggestions for improving your communication. 1. Don’t be afraid to communicate. You might be leaving important things unsaid because you are afraid of confrontation, hurting another person’s feelings, or losing love or respect. You may think it’s safer not to talk too much. The problem is, not communicating enough will damage your relationships. You must learn how to communicate your thoughts and feelings instead of stuffing them. The suggestions in this article can help you learn how to communicate in a way that won’t create as much confrontation, hurt or loss. You may want to practice by visualizing yourself having conversations following these guidelines. 2. Check yourself to make sure you are seeing the situation accurately before you talk to someone about it.
4. Be a master question asker. Before you say anything, ask more questions. You will be amazed at what you learn. You will also make people feel valued. Listening to someone is the deepest way you can show them you value who they are. 5. Be a dedicated listener. Listen more than you talk in each conversation. Be an active listener, repeat things back and keep eye contact the whole time. It’s insulting when you are looking around the room (or at your phone) while you’re supposed to be listening to someone. Do not agree or disagree with them at this point. 6. Validate what people say. This does not mean you agree with them. It means you honor and respect their right to think and feel the way they do. When you validate their right to have their perspective (as wrong as it may be), you make them feel valued and you create relationships of trust. When a person feels validated, honored and respected, they become more cooperative, open and respectful toward you. Always ask questions, listen and validate before going to step No. 7. 7. Ask permission questions before you say anything. Before you give advice, share your opinion or tell someone what you think, ask them if they would be open to hearing your thoughts. This is a powerful way to show the other person that you honor and respect them. You may want to ask a series of permission questions, such as:
8. Use more “I” statements than “you” statements. When you use “you” statements, the other person will feel judged, criticized and blamed. This will create defensiveness and the conversation won’t go well. Using “I” statements means you are speaking about the only part of this situation you know anything about — your part. 9. Focus on the future. Focusing on past behavior, which the other person cannot fix or change, creates frustration, defensiveness and may encourage the other person to attack you. Instead, ask the person if they would be willing to behave differently in the future (don’t even bring up the past). Ask them if, moving forward, they would be willing to treat your differently. This they have control over. Changing the way you communicate is not easy, but it will be worth the effort. Just make sure every person you talk to feels heard and validated, and ask permission before sharing your thoughts and your relationships will thrive. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem. Question:
Every January I get excited about the fresh start of a new year. I’m excited to set goals, make changes and become a better me — but by February I’ve fallen back to my old habits again. What can I do this year to make my New Year’s resolutions stick? Answer: When you consistently fail to reach a goal, there is probably a counter-intention in the way. A counter-intention is a strong desire to do something that is the opposite of — or counter to — your goal. In the past, your counter-intention has been stronger than your resolution to make a change. The good news is, this year you can do it. To overcome your hurdle, identify what your counter-intention is, then choose a more passionate positive intention to eliminate it. Here are four examples: 1) You may have fear about the responsibilities and commitments accomplishing this goal brings with it. You want the goal but you may not want the other things more. Your desire to avoid these commitments and responsibilities is your counter-intention. For example: You may be afraid that if you lose weight, people will expect you to keep it off. They may expect you to diet and exercise forever. Avoiding long-term commitment can stop you from achieving what you want. To beat this counter intention: Don’t look so far ahead. Take it one day at a time. Decide who you want to be today. Decide what actions you will take today. Trust that when you reach the future, your abilities will have expanded and you will be able to handle what comes. Don’t let a fear of the future stop you from being the person you want to be, right now. 2) You may have a strong aversion toward the tasks required to accomplish your goal. You may love the idea of being thinner but hate the idea of dieting and exercising. If you hate exercise and the foods available to you on a diet, your counter-intention is your strong desire to avoid those things. You may force yourself for a while, but when you’re motivated by “I have to” or “I need to,” there’s just no joy in the tasks and the motivation doesn’t last. To beat this counter intention: Change the tasks and make them enjoyable. Find a form of exercise you “love to do” or “get to do,” something that is fun and brings you joy. There are many fun ways to exercise that don't feel like exercise. Try Zumba, playing basketball or ice skating. Then find some healthy foods that actually taste good (yes, there actually are some). It is easy to stay motivated when you're doing something you want to do. 3) You may be getting a benefit from staying where you are, so there is a counter-intention that doesn’t want to change. For example, you may feel there are benefits to being overweight; you may use your weight as an excuse to get you out of things you don’t want to do. If you lose the weight you may lose the convenient excuse. Or you may love chocolate cake more than you love the idea of being thin (that’s the problem for me). To beat this counter-intention: Decide who you really want to be and consciously choose to let go of the benefit.Decide that accomplishing this goal has greater benefits than excuses (and cake). Consciously make the decision to let the old benefits go. You may want to write them down and burn the paper as a symbol of your commitment. Focus on the benefits of success. 4) You may have an all-or-nothing attitude. This means that if you mess up once, you will throw in the towel and wait for next year. Your counter-intention is a perfectionist mindset. It says, “If I can’t do it perfectly I might as well give up.” To beat this counter-intention: Change your standard of success. A mistake doesn’t mean you won’t make it. Talk to anyone who has quit smoking and they will tell you they tried to quit numerous times before they finally did it. If you fall off the wagon for a week, don’t let the mistake stop you. You don’t have to do it perfectly to benefit from the effort. Taking two steps forward and one step back will still win the race in the end. My goal this year with LIFEadvice is to give you principle-based, time-tested solutions, which can change your life for the better. If you will read this column each week, I will teach you principles and give you the tools to solve many of life’s problems. Please send in your questions to [email protected] Life is a classroom and it's time to learn. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker. Watch LIFEadvice with Coach Kim on KSL TV every Monday between 6-6:30am |
Visit https://linktr.ee/kimgiles and Claritypointcoaching.com FOR MORE FREE RESOURCES Coaching is less expensive than you think - If you need help we can find you a coach you can afford. Call Tiffany 801-201-8315 Categories
All
AuthorKimberly Giles is the president and founder of Claritypoint Life Coaching and 12 SHAPES INC. She is an author and professional speaker. She was named one of the top 20 advice gurus in the country by Good Morning America in 2010. She appears regularly on local and national TV and Radio. Archives
March 2022
|
Proudly powered by Weebly